A few months ago, my teenage daughter stopped trying to “pass” as male. She dropped the self-defined-as-male uniform (emphasis on SELF), the stereotyped swagger and the fake-deepened voice and —moved on. Her fervent desire to be seen and treated as a boy (as opposed to a gender-atypical girl) faded away, just as other formerly unshakable ideas and urges had in the past. And our relationship has never been better.
Although I’ve allowed myself to exhale, just a little, she will remain at risk, because every sector of society—the media, the government, the schools, medicine and psychology–is now saturated with the message that if you’re a “gender nonconforming” girl–one who prefers the clothing, activities, and hairstyle more typical of the opposite sex– you just might actually be a boy.
What did I, and the other adults who love her, do? It hasn’t been easy. In fact, for a time it was a living hell, a purgatory of slammed doors, stony silence, yelling matches, and mostly—waiting.
There was no magic answer. We rode it out. I learned something about keeping my mouth shut. About saying my piece and then leaving it be. About living with uncertainty. We didn’t cater to demands for instant gratification. We paid for and encouraged activities that would get her out into nature and off the Internet. Mostly, we waited.
I drew a clear line in the sand: There would be no money to pay for a gender therapist, testosterone, or a binder. If she wanted to pursue those things at the age of medical majority, that would be her choice—and it would be on her dime. At the same time, I let her know that her clothing and hairstyle choices were hers to make. Further: I purchased the “men’s” clothing (including underwear), paid for the haircuts, supported all the other stuff she wanted to do or wear that is more “male typical.” Not always successfully, I tried to calmly and sparingly convey the message that however she dressed, whatever interests she pursued, she was a female—perhaps an unusual one, but a young woman nevertheless, who might someday become a role model to show other girls just how amazing and truly “gender-expansive” a woman can be.
Like many who read this blog, I phoned gender therapists during the weeks after her announcement that she was trans. Without even meeting my child in the flesh, all four of these therapists talked to me like this trans thing was a done deal. I wrote about one of those conversations here. One very friendly therapist, an FTM whose website stressed commitment to “informed consent,” assured me that there was no need for my daughter to first experience a sexual or romantic relationship before deciding whether she was trans. “Most of the young people just skip that step now,” the therapist said.
Skip that step? I thought back to my own adolescence. I didn’t even begin to have a clear idea of who I was, as a sexual being, until after I’d had more than one relationship. It took years for me to come to know my body’s nuances and intricacies, its capacity for pleasure, how I might feel in relation to another. [Update: for lesbian youth in particular, this process can be a long one, on average not complete until one’s early 20s]
This same therapist signed my kid up for a “trans teen” support group scheduled for the following week—again, without ever having met her. “There’s nothing you or I can do about your daughter being trans,” said another therapist… on the phone, without having met my kid. Yet another therapist refused to talk to me at all; insisted she’d have to have a private appointment with my kid first.
Contrary to the myth promulgated by the transition promoters, at least in the United States, there is no slow and careful assessment of these kids who profess to be trans. The trend is to kick out the gatekeepers, and move towards a simple model of “informed consent”: If you say you’re trans, you are–no matter how young and no matter when you “realized” you were trans.
All these therapists seemed well meaning enough. They believed they were doing the correct thing. But with each conversation, I felt more and more uneasy. My gut feeling that something wasn’t right led me to research, to question…to put the brakes on. And the more I read, and thought, and understood, the more determined I became to find an alternative. I started this blog out of sheer desperation. I needed to find someone, anyone, who understood what I was going through. I needed other parents to talk to—badly.
My kid never did go to a gender therapist. Never did sit in a room full of “trans teens.” If she had, I feel certain she’d be sporting a beard right now.
When I first started blogging, I got a lot of hate mail. In every anonymous drive-by comment, the hater referred to my “son” who would grow up to hate my guts. “He” would surely commit suicide, and more than one of them wished me a lifetime of misery when that inevitably happened. Even the mildest posts resulted in hostile reblogs from strangers who had not the slightest idea of my family’s situation.
At first, these anonymous barbs stung, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that I could rely on my inner parental compass. Because, see, I know my daughter. I knew, when she suddenly began spouting the gender-policed jargon planted in her head by Tumblr trans activists, that this wasn’t who she really was. This was a girl who, all through childhood, was never “gender conforming” but who was secure in herself because I’d made sure she knew, via my words and my example, that girls could be and do anything.
Most of all, I knew she needed me—not to blindly “support” and give in to her every demand, but to simply BE THERE, even as a limit; a steady place she could push and rail against. It was scary, and painful, being on the receiving end of teen outrage. Because a teenager does have the right to make some of their own decisions. Later adolescence is a time of individuation, dawning adulthood. Haranguing or lecturing not only gets you nowhere, it isn’t fair. Negotiation is probably the most important parenting skill when it comes to high-school-aged youth. And no parent gets it right all the time. (Paradoxically, part of being a halfway decent parent is knowing how imperfect you are at the job.) But one thing became more and more clear to me: my child did not need a parent who would collaborate in sending her down a road to being a permanent medical patient. In fact, she needed protection from the very same people who were sending me hate mail on Tumblr.
Not so long ago, child and adolescent psychologists—people who actually study the development of young human beings—were frequently cited and quoted. These experts, as well as every other rational adult, were well aware that kids shift identities: try this one on, shed it like a snake skin, try on another. Younger kids go through a long and wonderful period of make believe and magical thinking. They are actually convinced they ARE the identity they try on. And adolescents are renowned for trying on hairstyles, belief systems, clothing styles—only to discard them after a few weeks, months, or maybe even years.
In contrast to today’s social-media-fueled paradigm, when a kid’s announcement that they are the opposite sex is taken at face value by seemingly everyone around them, it was previously understood that adults were largely responsible for the inculcation of gender stereotypes into children’s minds. Children aren’t born hating their sexed bodies. They only grow to reject themselves when someone they look up to promotes the idea that their likes and dislikes in clothing, toys, activities, or other pursuits are seen as incongruent with their natal sex.
A child’s burgeoning sense of self, or self-concept, is a result of the multitude of ideas, attitudes, behaviors, and beliefs that he or she is exposed to. The information that surrounds the child and which the child internalizes comes to the child within the family arena through parent-child interactions, role modeling, reinforcement for desired behaviors, and parental approval or disapproval (Santrock, 1994). As children move into the larger world of friends and school, many of their ideas and beliefs are reinforced by those around them. A further reinforcement of acceptable and appropriate behavior is shown to children through the media, in particular, television. Through all these socialization agents, children learn gender stereotyped behavior. As children develop, these gender stereotypes become firmly entrenched beliefs and thus, are a part of the child’s self-concept.
… Often, parents give subtle messages regarding gender and what is acceptable for each gender – messages that are internalized by the developing child (Arliss, 1991). Sex role stereotypes are well established in early childhood. Messages about what is appropriate based on gender are so strong that even when children are exposed to different attitudes and experiences, they will revert to stereotyped choices (Haslett, Geis, & Carter, 1992).
We have people like this: the mother of a six-year-old girl who has “transitioned” to male, writing storybooks to indoctrinate kindergartners. To suggest to them that they, too, might really be the opposite sex:
“Can the doctor have made a mistake? Was I supposed to have been born a boy? Am I the only kid in the world like this?”
Deep down, Jo Hirst had been anticipating these questions. And she knew she had to get the answers right.
It was bedtime, and her six-year-old was curled up on her lap. Assigned female at birth, from 18 months of age Hirst’s son* had never wanted to wear female clothing and always played with boys.
I challenge anyone to find me a single account of a “transgender child” which does NOT resort to talking about toys, hairstyle, clothing, or play stereotypes to justify the diagnosis of “trans” in a young child.
Our kids are being cheated of the opportunity, the breathing space, to simply explore who they are without a gaggle of adults jumping in to interfere with the process by “validating” their frequently transient identities. Kids are being encouraged to freeze their sense of self in a moment in time, during the period of life when everything is in flux. And even though key researchers have said over and over again that most gender dysphoric kids “desist” and grow up to be gay or lesbian; even though the latest research denies any such thing as a “male” or “female” brain, parents are encouraged to socially transition their kids, put them on “puberty blockers,” and refer to them by “preferred pronouns.”
For very young children, this cementing of the child’s identity in a period when they most need the freedom to simply play and explore—to “make believe”—is essentially stunting the child’s development.
Young children go through a stage where it is difficult for them to distinguish reality from fantasy. Among many other things, it’s why we have ratings on films. A young child can’t understand that the monster onscreen is not real.
Research indicates that children begin to learn the difference between fantasy and reality between the ages of 3 and 5 (University of Texas, 2006). However, in various contexts, situations, or individual circumstances, children may still have difficulty discerning the difference between fantasy and reality as old as age 8 or 9, and even through age 11 or 12. For some children this tendency may be stronger than with others.
Just exactly what is motivating doctors and psychologists to jettison decades of research and clinical practice in favor of a completely unsubstantiated and unproven hypothesis of “transgender from birth”? The glib answer is: suicide. But if a gender nonconforming youth expresses the desire to self harm, encouraging that youth to further dissociate from their whole selves (because the body and mind, contrary to the bleating of trans activists, are not separate units, but a whole) is not a responsible way to support mental health. As this commenter said in a recent post on GenderTrender:
Wow. Conservatives aren’t the only ones who suck at science. Brain sex? Seriously? If you’re allegedly born in the wrong body, why doesn’t your brain count as part of the “wrong body”? Your brain is telling the truth but the rest of your body is a liar? Wtf? This shit is as sensible as scientology.
Teens often pick up on cues and assimilate ideas presented in movies/films viewed in the movie theater and other sources, (online sources for watching movies now eclipse movie theater viewings or film DVD rentals for teens), and while teens already understand the difference between fantasy and reality, they may still absorb or become attached to ideas that are powerfully presented in films but that have no basis in reality, the teen not having enough experience or knowledge to sort propaganda from fact, fiction from reality. Films, television programs, music and statements from celebrities can [and do] become a part of the thinking and emotional/psychological makeup of teens and children.
This used to be a “duh” thing. Are teens influenced by what they imbibe, what’s in fashion, what celebrities (like Jazz Jennings and Caitlyn Jenner and Laverne Cox) are doing, what their peers are saying and doing? Might socially isolated teens be even more swayed by what they see on social media, while they sit for hours, alone in their rooms?
“Facebook depression,” defined as emotional disturbance that develops when preteens and teens spend a great deal of time on social media sites, is now a very real malady. Recent studies have shown that comparisons are the main cause of Facebook depression; the study showed that down-comparison (comparing with inferiors) was just as likely to cause depression as up-comparison (comparing with people better than oneself).
…Other risks of extensive social networking among youth are loss of privacy, sharing too much information, and disconnect from reality.
My daughter, like so many others I’ve now heard about, emerged from months of self-imposed social isolation and YouTube/Reddit binges, to announce, out of the blue, that she was transgender. And simply for questioning this, for refusing to hop aboard the train, I’ve been labeled a “child abuser” of my “son”? Until the last few years, parents who recognized that teens go through phases weren’t considered abusive. They were considered well informed.
Not so long ago, parents and helping professionals neither interfered with nor bolstered a particular identity that a kid was trying on. Everyone understood this was an important part of growing up: to allow our young to experiment, to see what worked and what didn’t. It’s called the development of a self. It takes years. It’s not even complete at 21. The self doesn’t emerge, fully formed and immutable at birth. It develops in response to experience, to love, and to adversity.
Given my own daughter’s desistence from the idea that she is or was ever “transgender,” I feel even more strongly that parents are right to resist the push by every sector of society to identify “gender dysphoric” minors as “trans.” Yes, some of these young people may go on to identify as the opposite sex; some will seek medical transition. But what the current atmosphere has done is rob them of the crucial time they need to figure it all out. Medical transition was once a rare, adult-only decision. I’m in favor of a return to that more reasonable approach to the matter.
So you bet I’m going to keep doing what I can to support parents who want to at least delay an adolescent’s decision to permanently alter body and mind with hormones and surgeries. You bet I’m going to try to save my own kid from what amounts to a cult that won’t let you leave if you change your mind, without serious social consequences. You bet I’m going to continue to protect my daughter and others like her from a lifetime of difficulty, from the rapacious medical industry that is profiting from the regressive resurgence and marketing of gender stereotypes.
You can also bet that I’m going to continue shedding light on the frankly insane practice of labeling very young children as transgender, conditioning them as preschoolers to believe their own bodies are somehow wrong and alien, that they must undergo teasing and torment from other children, that they must wear prosthetics to amplify or hide their own genitalia to be accepted as they are. Or just as bad: That the entire world must be browbeaten into redefining biological reality such that “some girls have penises” and “some boys have vaginas.”
And this work is not just about protecting kids. It’s also about supporting family members and friends who are deeply affected by the transgender narrative. Extremist trans activists, the media, the doctors and psychiatrists–none of them talk about the terrible damage done to the family system, to the fabric of close relationships, when a child “transitions.” All the activists have to say is that the skeptical parents and loved ones are “transphobes.” No one talks about the fact that the majority of these dysphoric kids would grow up to be gay or lesbian adults if not interfered with; adults with healthy, intact bodies, not dependent on drugs and carved up by surgeons’ knives.
So we have to keep talking about it. We have to keep the lights on in our corner of the Internet, even if only to document this strange medical and cultural fad for future historians.
Thanks to everyone who is traveling this road with me. While I know we often feel swamped and hopeless, we have each other for strength and courage. And for now, that will have to be enough.
I’m so happy I found this place. So much resonates with me. My daughter is only 13 and has come out as transgender. Actually, last summer she came out as gender fluid, then decided she was bi, then retracted that and said she was transgender boy who likes boys. I let her cut her hair short and she’s dressing as a male for the most part. She wants a binder but I don’t like the idea of that so I met her half way and got her a sports bra. I told her that I don’t want to use male pronouns and call her by her new chosen male name until she goes through a lot of therapy to be sure this is what she wants.
I found a therapist who is nice but she’s someone who is a lesbian and has worked with gay/lesbian and trans-gendered adults. At the risk of sounding ignorant, I worry that she may be too ‘sympathetic’ to the idea of my daughter’s desire to transition and may encourage her in her desires. The therapist did assure me that she would get to the root of the issues and not sway her one way or the other but I’m just worried I guess.
My daughter has always been into girly things, never asked to dress as a boy or even get boy toys. She’s always been OBSESSED with dolls, etc. Its not like I forced it on her at all, too. She just loved it. Loved dance class, etc. She’s just always been very shy, introverted around those she doesn’t know, and self conscious. She has a low self esteem and calls her breasts ‘disgusting’. She fights me on showering because she hates her body and doesn’t want to me naked. This really started to happen when puberty hit. Her self loathing, and Youtube has really pushed her to this realization, I think. I think she hates her body and has found girls on Youtube who have found contentment with transitioning to boys, and feels she’ll gain the same positive results but I fear she’ll still suffer the same anxietyt, depression, and self loathing.
Anyway, I’m hoping to get any tips on finding a therapist who won’t necessarily jump right down the Transgender road with her. One who will take a step back and try to dig beneath the surface to see what’s causing the self loathing. If, after therapy, and a few years of consistent belief that she is male, then I guess I’ll have to accept it but as a mother, I feel like I have to be the one to force her to step back and not act so rashly. 13 year olds are hardly emotionally mature enough to know that a life altering operation and/or hormone treatments are the best for him or her.
Any suggestions for a therapist in Massachusetts?
Thanks!
Hi concernedmum,
Your daughter sounds just like my daughter . She too was a typical girl and into girly things (with no push from me ) until just a few months ago when she announced she is bisexual then a little while later, she wants to be a boy.
I refused to get her a binder as that can damage breast tissue. I’ve allowed her to wear boyish clothes and cut her hair, but that’s as far as it will go I’ve told her .
She idolises the trans boys on musical.ly and YouTube ( Justin Blake , Flynn etc).
I think personally she is trying to see where she ‘fits in’ . I truly don’t believe she is trans ( even though my MIL who is a lesbian thinks she is and should start hormones asap) . My husband is on my side and thinks she is going through a faze.
I’m letting it be and see how she goes with just dressing as a boy . She seems quite content like that and I’m not going to push it any further.
In our days if a girl was gender non conforming parents didn’t care and knew it was just a faze . ( I went through the same thing when I was 7) .
As the writer saids just trust your gut you know your daughter not those psychologists.
Justin Blake and others romanticize being trans and i envy them for it.
Anyway, if your child starts binding their chest with other materials I might suggest getting them a compression shirt or even a binder.
I know binders can damage breast tissue but other methods can be dangerous and leave more permanent damage. Besides, some underworks binders (idk what it is off the top of my head. it just looks like a white tank top with reall thing shoulders) do nothing more than a sports bra. For me it holds my breasts in the same position as my sports bra.
(despite sever gender dysphoria; we all need something to wear on laundry day)
I don’t mean any harm with this. I just want to offer alternatives to the no binder statement as i know that trans kids (both ones that are confused and ones who really are trans) can end up doing unsafe things.
don’t get me wrong damage to breast tissue can be bad but i know guys who have deformed ribs because they could access a binder and binded anyway.
sorry if this is out of line. I know you hope for the best for your kid and i just wanted to help in case they turned to unsafe binding methods. I worry about that a lot for younger kids. sorry again.
that should say couldn’t instead of could.
Imhunguponyou, did you know that a study by a neutral party has found commercial binders to be the most dangerous binding option? The study at the link below came to this conclusion: “Commercial binders were the binding method most consistently associated with negative outcomes (20/28), followed by elastic or other bandages (14/28) and duct tape or plastic wrap (13/28).”
http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/13691058.2016.1191675
Commercial binders are not safe. They are tools of self-harm. Please think about that statement and what it means — not just to you, but to the unknown 12-year-old girls who are searching the web for information.
Many girls who bind or want to bind hate being female rather than actually desire to be male, or they hate themselves, or they hate having feelings of lesbian sexual attraction, and use binding as a way to punish themselves or distract themselves from their feelings of self loathing, or change themselves into someone they think will be more acceptable or more likable. These girls need psychological help rather than a binder. Just because a random girl online says she wants to be a boy and be rid of her breasts does not mean it’s a good idea for her to use a binder, yet, that is the advice she will be given online. No one online or in the Tumblr FTM community is going to advise her to first look within herself for possible reasons causing these feelings. Instead, she is going to be told “this brand of binder is safe, go for it!”
Please spread the word about this study’s findings to the Tumblr FTM community, which drones on and on about “safe” binders made by certain brands. Young girls seem to think, because of the messages they read on Tumblr and elsewhere, that as long as they buy a certain brand of binder, then they are “binding safely.” This is not true. And of course the transgender community has not peeped a word about this study to the young girls, new to the trans community, to whom they are extoling the virtues of “safe” commercial binder brands.
There is no such thing as a safe binder or binding safely.
I’m sorry to hear about your severe dysphoria. I hope you are able to overcome it in the most healing, healthful, least invasive methods possible. I wish you a healthy, happy life.
Truly Trans or not people…. Follow the money. Does anyone have any idea of the money being made by plastic surgeons, gender therapists, the hormone drug companies, binder and STP manufacturers, the websites promoting this, the government programs being established for this new crop of minorities that is being ‘discriminated’ against by the transphobic public? Is Caitlyn Jenner going about her life quietly to pursue her true self and find peace? She is surely not broke and has no other choice. Who (transgender or not) in their right mind would subject themselves to that? That’s correct, the Kardashians, West’s and Jenner’s.
imhunguponyou, Binders are very harmful and very painful. I think it’s criminal that they are being mailed to our children for free. I have thrown 3 binders in the trash. Somehow my underage, self-loathing, daughter keeps getting them, I have seen them offered for free on the internet. It is maddening because these activists have an agenda and it is not my daughter’s best interest.
LGBTQxyz activists claim that a person is born gay and they do not choose it. A strait person can become gay, but not vice versa. A person born as one gender can choose to change it.
What?!!! Why are they not born the way they are supposed to be? if a gay person is born gay, why can’t a female at birth remain a female. After all, she was born that way.
Thank you. This exactly the same story that we’ve had with our daughter since she started periods 19 months ago. She refused to engage with a male therapist who asked her why she’s dysphoric. I’m hoping it will pass. We’ve lost our daughter and have a very angry confused young person self harming and refusing to eat normally demanding Internet access. It’s heartbreaking.
this is likely unwelcome but i can’t help myself. You’re likely to hear that gender dysphoria hits at puberty. I support your choice in finding a good therapist, but youre likely to hear this from everyone but the extreme end (trans isn’t real, conversion therapy end in my experience.) And i feel like you need forewarning in that. Therapists who point this out may not fast track your child to hormones, but may point this out to simply say “sometimes thy don’t know until it’s wrong,” which. happened in my case.
also a tip, perhaps unwelcome. you need to talk to your child. A therapist that wants to address the root of the problem is no good unless your child actually feels safe and open talking to them. This may make your search more difficult. I promise you though that it will save you money; if you can open up to the person they can help. if you can’t open up to the person, they can’t help.
Also i know a lot of people are against people who work with lgbt patients because of the fear the child will be fast tracked to hormones. I’d actually recommend looking into someone who’s dealt with lgbt patients before, even if it is a bit of a risk. The reason i say this is because your child may end up “educating” the therapist which may be counter productive.
for example when i was being diagnosed with gender dysphoria i ended up with some unexpericed doctors who ended up taking everything i said as word of god for two reasons. 1) everything i said could be supported.
2) sometimes resources and papers that are against transitioning are extremist papers. Most of what i find is.
this may be an unwelcome addition, but some places have a policy of “living 2 years as desired gender before transition proceeds”. When your child gets a bit older maybe you could consider this. Throwing someone into a world where suddenly they need to act and be 100% male can be a shock and snap them out of it. Or reaffirm their gender. Kinda like a test.
Perhaps this is something you will one day mention to a therapist.
All that being said i hope the best for your child and yourself. I apologize if this was unwelcome and at this point i would like to say that i support your choice. You’ve made the right one.
Ps: i’m sorry i used gender neutral language. I suffer from sever dysphoria and anytime someone refers to me with anything but he it’s not fun. Although you refer to you child as “she” the fact that they claim to be trans makes it extremely difficult for me to refer to them as that due to my experience. I apologize if that offends you.
There is a problem with the “trying gender on for size” idea that I think gets overlooked quite often. What about the kid who can’t handle the stress of adapting a new public persona? Maybe it’s the kid who is extremely introverted, who doesn’t like to bring any attention to themselves. Or it’s the kid with ASD (can be undiagnosed) who already struggles with peer interaction. These are the kids who are already seen as “weird” by their peers, and they don’t want to bring more negative attention to themselves. These kids are happy flying under the radar, and don’t have a solid understanding of the challenges that social transition would bring.
I know my kid very well. I know that she is happy now when she’s not forced to think about gender. Having it pushed in her face all the time makes her feel worse. Having to act like a boy all the time, publicly declare a gender, deal with the attention it would bring, etc. would be devastating for her. She’s pretty happy right now, just being. Social transition would have probably led to suicidal thoughts at minimum, and self harm.
I think most of us parents are truly looking for individualized treatment plans for our kids. We want therapists to SEE our children as individuals, not the trans agenda. My child is not a science experiment.
Hi concerned Mom. I am also glad that there’s a place for concerned parents to think critically. I am a licensed therapist who does online counseling with teens. I’m going to include my site below so you can read more about my approach. In reference to your concern about your daughter’s therapist being a lesbian I wanted to share some interesting info with you: from my years of research I’ve actually found it’s much more likely that a lesbian (particularly those who are radical feminist) to actually question the trans narrative. I believe this is in part due to the fact that some lesbians (and all radical feminists) have really analyzed the concepts of “womanhood” and deconstructed some of the stereotypes involved in the trans ideology. I also want to share that in my work I take an age-appropriate pro LBG perspective in helping children think about their own sexuality. I wish you best of luck with your daughter. You may want to check out my blog post called “Sally’s Story”.
Best,
Sasha
Omg. I had to reread your post comcerned mom. I really thought it was something I wrote. Your first paragraph is exactly what happemed to us. My daughter is 14 1/2 and started in 2015 like your first paragraph states. Six months ago she told us she was trans who likes boys. During these 6 months, she has had weeks where she dresses like a girl and wears makeup and a bra. She bought a binder with her money. I wasn’t happy about it but felt lost at the time. Did bring her to a therapist, we decided to not out emphasis on anything with her. She is not pushing her either way. She got into a group of friends who are obseesed with sexual identity and sex. Youtube. I cry most days. This is child who always was girly girl growing up. She tries to hard to be masculine. I am at my wits end. I am hoping that eith maturity this will ride out. She too self loathes. She has anxiety issues. She is not happy with her weight and I think that plays a major role in this. She idolizes these youtubers as well.
Hi Concerned and Confused Moms. I agree with what Confused mom said. I thought what Concerned mom wrote was written by me. My story is almost identical. I’ve been living this nightmare for almost a year and a half. At first I thought her transgender idea was from school and her friends and the media (Caitlyn Jenner). I’ve come to realize she got into some bad things on the internet. She spent too much time unsupervised with no parental controls. She went from someone who excelled in creative writing and reading to someone who won’t even open a book and seems addicted to the internet. I have tried to put parental controls on it, she usually finds her way around them. I also limit her time on the internet. She wants access to it 24 hours a day. She hardly sleeps. I’m at my wits end, too! She has a psych eval coming up. I am a little nervous and hope we get to the bottom of her problems and not a referral to the Pediatric Transgender Program.
Help! I am struggling with the same issue. My 13 year old has decided she is trans. I have been in sheer Panic! I’ve greived, cried…I am so so sad. I am not buying it though. I am convinced all this crap on youtube has empowered her to believe this. I am at a loss what to do. I’m praying for God to step in.
I couldn’t figure out how to leave a comment so I’m replying to this one. This was me in September of 2016! I seriously cried when I read this article. My 17 year old son came to my husband and I on a Sunday morning and told us he was a woman. My heart broke into a million pieces. The idea I had of him and I at his wedding having our mother son dance flew out the window. Him giving his son his name, his fathers name, his grandfather name and his great grandfathers name was gone.I felt like my child died and I was going to be given a stranger. Even though I had worked with the LGBTQ community I wanted to run out of my house.
My husband and I approached the whole situation very calmly. First thing I said was “okay. Can you tell me when you first felt you were?” I didn’t realize it at the time but he claimed it started 5 years earlier shortly after his younger sister was raped on a school campus. We had the no other options then to take the school district to federal court under title nine. He’s so close to her and she told him about it first and he brought her to me and encouraged her to tell me.
We all were in therapy when this incident happened. It was a very tramatic time for our family. I was also fighting ovarian cancer at the time and only was diagnosed 3 weeks after our daughter was raped.
Back to the day he told us he was a woman. After I talked to him and found Transgender organization within our community, I received a nasty, mean cold hearted text from his older sister who lives in another state. I immediately went to him and asked him what it was all about. Why was his sister being so cruel to me when for 22 years her and I have had a beautiful bonus daughter and bonus mom relationship. I took his phone because it was going off like crazy. Turned out it was his older sister who had known he felt he was a woman for several weeks now. I also found text to other teens that he was going to kill himself. That was it for me. I scoped up my son and brought him to the emergency room. From there he was brought to a mental health care inpatient hospital to be evaluated. I reminded him that if he wanted to transition he was going to do it with a clear head and mind. I was never mad at him. Not even when my step daughter wanted to cut us off from her and our grandson because she was told by him that we said we hated him and didn’t love him. We never ever said that to our son. He was doing all of these destructive things to us as a family that I couldn’t possibly belive he was thinking with a clear head. As we sat in the hospital for 12 hours I began to feel I was being an awful mother for putting my son here. I’m his mom. I’m his soft place. I’m the safe place in our home! I told him we could get up and leave right now. I told him he didn’t have to be seen. He said to me “Mom, I love you. You’re a great mom. I need to be here. I need help. ” Never had I had a harder time then signing those papers to have my child commited to a mental health hospital. He came out of there several days later with a diagnosis of Bipolar and telling us he felt great and knows he’s not a woman now. In therapy he brought up what happened to his little sister and how her rape was a trigger for him. That’s when I knew that that event was what happened to my son’s mental health. And there was a couple of Transgender children in the hospital with him. We were never told by any mental health professionals that we had to except that our son is now our daughter with the exceptions of members from the LGBTQ community. I have my son now. If I hadn’t done the things I did I’m afraid I would’ve had a deeply depressed child or my child may not even be on this earth with us any longer. After I got him back I questioned if what I did was right. I erasure myself that when the doctors told me I was having a baby boy I already knew. I knew who he was from the moment I felt that first little kick. I knew when I was handed him in the hospital I became scared because I wasn’t raising a boy but I was raising a man and I knew nothing about being a man. I’ve asked him a number of times if he is sure he’s not and reminded him that it really is okay if he is. When you’re a mom you just know your child before the rest of the world does even before that child knows themselves. The ones encouraging and give in to this behavior from a child don’t understand what it’s doing to the families or the child. If after the family decides with the child that they are in fact Transgender then transition as a family. But don’t do it until you know that the child is in fact not suffering from a mental disorder that can be treated with medication instead of allowing them to harm their bodies. I truly believe I nearly lost my child that night to suicide and he saved himself by not allowing me to just leave without having him properly evaluated. Not just my son or daughter but a precious life. I’m so glad I gave him the chance to discover who he really was and not allow him to give into what everyone says he is.
Your story is incredible. Thank you so much for sharing. For me the Internet is a cesspit of evil and is destroying childrens’ natural progression into adulthood and the flow of and security family life. It is an addiction and is filled with the freaks of the World and their disturbed views. Thank God you stood by your gut instinct. Well done.
I’m right where you were then, now. This could be our story to a T. How did it turn out for you? We’re just now about to start with an MFT.
We are going through a very similar scenario. My 14 year old told us he was gay a few months ago an then just recently told us he is transgender and wants to start estrogen. We have been searching all over the internet looking for information and for some guidance. Have called many LGBT centers and It seems the only path is “affirmation” for our kids. We first need to figure out what is going on before i affirm anything. It seems like any therapist that knows about gender identity is in the LGBT community and are a slanted. I’ve never felt so helpless in my life. I’m just praying its a phase! If anyone knows a therapist with experience in this area, please let me know. I’m in the Los Angeles area.
desperate, I’m so sorry for your situation. Please take time to become familiar with California law and the fact that you will not be able to find any therapist in your state to help your son “question” his decision….they all consider it “reparative therapy” now, under CA law!
Unfortunately efforts to ban religious-based efforts of gay conversion therapy have added in gender identity…which has ended up being so ill defined that it affects ALL therapists from doing proper diagnostics and talk therapy at all. It is shocking and you need to educate yourself. Keep your son away from any CA therapist who will only affirm his “gender journey” and lead him further down the path.
http://jaapl.org/content/45/1/7
http://time.com/2940790/california-ban-on-gay-conversion-therapy-stands/
I speak from experience. I sent my 18 year old daughter to a premier California university. She is now a transgender man and on testosterone “therapy”. The law aimed at minors has zipped the lips of all therapists, and college campuses with their “centers for diversity” are rife with trans-affirming hoopla.
Hugs to you. I hope you can help your son pick up a very time-consuming hobby and outdoors outlet for his attentions, and keep him off of the computer and far away from any lgbT groups…they are all focused on transgender these days.
I’m trans(ftm). I’m fifteen. While I do understand in a lot of cases it’s a phase, I’ve known something was wrong with me gender wise since I was ten. Maybe sooner, but I don’t remember things well from before I was ten and I don’t wanna lie. I’m slightly feminine. I enjoy doing my makeup and shopping and things that are typically seen as girly. This does not undermine my identity, nor does it undermine my dysphoria. I’m honestly kinda of mad at the author of this blog or whatever it’s called simply because you couldn’t even use your kids preferred pronouns and name. That’s seriously the cheapest option and also, one of the more meaningful ones. If we’re being honest here, your kid might actually be trans and just gave up on believing you’d ever respect their gender identity and decided to go back into the closet because knowingly getting deadnamed hurts a LOT.
I agree. And I know its hard for other people to understand what I am because I don’t completely understand my gender myself. But I feel like one day even if I do change, parents should be there for me anyway because they’re that important to me. But as of right now, neither of them use my pronouns or preferred name regularly (although i do remind my mom). Today she even ordered a binder for me.I’m just glad to have friends at school because my friends are the ones that support me the most and I’m really grateful for that.
ok id recommend using the name and pronouns so that they can see if they like it (im using they/them pronouns because its half way, gender neural)
What are some of the reasons you child says they identify as the opposite sex? My son has never shown characteristics of wanting to be a girl. He wears boy clothes, doesn’t want to shave his mustache and so on. Yet he says he’s transgender. What’s going on?
Same here, except my son is 7. He just told me this week that he’s half boy half girl. I don’t know what to think.
Emma, if your son is only seven, the chances are great that he is simply misunderstanding messages he is getting from others, or making incorrect conclusions with his young, young brain. Sit down and ask him why he thinks he is half boy, half girl. Chances are it has something to do with stereotypes which he, at the tender age of seven, does not understand are simply preferences, behaviors and other personality traits which a person of either sex can have.
Perhaps he likes cooking or dolls or sparkly jewels or soft fabrics, and due to societal messages he is receiving, has come to the conclusion these things indicate “girls only.” Perhaps he looks up to you and wants to be “world’s best a mommy” just like you when he grows up. Perhaps he has a friend at school who is a girl, and other kids on the playground have told him he can’t play with her unless he is also a girl. The possibilities are endless.
He is only seven. Kids this age might take societal messages way too literally or make up their own fantastic conclusions which have little basis in reality.
If I were you I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. If it comes up again, or perhaps nonchalantly bring it up yourself if the opportunity presents itself, and calmly and gently insist that of course he is a boy. Ask him why he thinks he is half girl. Chances are it will be some sort of silly misunderstanding due to the fact that he is only seven years old. If his reason has anything to do with stereotypes of what it means to be a boy or a girl, let him know that of course boys can do/wear/play with whatever they choose. Boys can wear sparkly nail polish, play dolls and dress-up, be ballerinas, have best friends who are girls, etc.
Check out this 4thwavenow post: //4thwavenow.com/2016/02/11/what-the-hell-are-you-talking-about-no-youre-a-girl/
This mother handled her child’s dysphoria/confusion in a no-nonsense way.
Keep us posted. Best wishes to you.
My son at 7 would literally tell me he was half boy, half cat, and half octopus.
So his sense of reality and his math really sucked. 😂 I’m guessing your son likes something that is considered more traditionally “a girl thing”.
What happened to boys can like dolls and girls can like trucks? Now it seems If they don’t pick the stereotypical items out people start telling them they must be the wrong gender.
In any case AFFIRM his TRUE identity. Say “nope you are 100% boy! 😄 Why do you say you are half girl? Is it because you like taking care of the babies? (Or whatever) boys can like those things too!” But I added the smiley face to show that it should be light hearted. An aside-my two boys’ favorite colors were purple and pink for a long time. Then a neighbor boy informed them those were girl colors (my kids are homeschooled) and so they picked different favorites (this occurred around 6/8 years of age) but they both secretly have admitted to me still liking the other colors. To which I respond, “that’s totally fine. They’re just colors. My favorite color is blue and that doesn’t make me a boy”. They were both worried that liking a “girl” color might mean something was weird with them. But my affirmations of it being no biggie, that they were boys for sure and boys could like many things, and showing them how I-myself-could like a “boy” color and still be a girl relieved them. Parents cannot always prevent confusion but we can certainly guide the process. 🙂
My son is 14 and is in a similar situation. Always dressed as a boy, chose all boy toys, never expressed any desire to have girly stuff, but not athletic type. He now says he feels he is trans and sees a therapist. The therapist says just roll with it, and let him make his moves to what he is comfortable talking to me about. Still nothing. Just vdeo game loving,and dressing like a boy. He shows signs of being aspbergers, and I just think he really has no clue where he fits. Has anyone tried an endocrinologist for hormone testing? Thanks
Hi Mellew,
Sorry you are going through this. Hang in there. I just wanted to post a quick response about testing. In our situation (out of the blue, very similar to your experience) our then 16 year old daughter tested normal in all out exhaustive testing. Everything in her physical body points to female. Her mind (that is still very stubborn at 17) hasn’t quite caught on to that, however!;-) But we are still on this path, her dad and I hoping that when her brain stops developing around 25 that she will have a brain that accepts her femaleness.
Hugs to you!
I have been helping my son with his transition to what I think he’s settled on Agender more female than male and we have just finished testing hormones. We travel to get his results and meet with the endocrinologist tomorrow. I am grateful to have found this site as I am a mental health provider and yet am struggling with my own feelings about how to handle this. We did end up two years ago in emergency as he made some suicidal comments to his friends online and police showed up unexpected took him there. They say to us that we should allow him to be who he wants. Medication can do permanent irreversible damage, no children, breast tissue that may never be removed, pages of side effects.. I’m really worried it may be a mistake but he is adamant it’s what he wants and his doctors agree. Waiting for results, waiting for tomorrow and holding my breath everything will be ok.
Cheryl, are you in the UK by any chance?
I am so sorry that you are going through these trying times. The police should NOT have pushed their social agenda on you. Obviously, they have no expertise in this matter. The doctors agree that your son should transition? Well, of course! They want $$$. They are predatory. If he were anyone else, they would say the exact same thing; it is an ethics violation, at the least, and really a human rights violation. Let your son “be who he wants”? No person can be what they are not, and your son is not, and can not be, a woman. Wishing, hormones, and surgeries do not make men into women. He can be a crude facsimile of a woman, but never the real deal. Do you ever think that your son secretly wants some boundaries set, and that he would like reassurance that he doesn’t need to change a thing? Genderists are always saying it isn’t about genitals between the legs; it is about what is between the ears. In this case, what makes sense, is leaving his healthy body intact, and working on his mental health issues with a non-Koolaid drinker. I wish you and your son well. I hope he finds the boundaries he seeks.
Wow. This sounds exactly like what we are going through right now. Out of the blue….never expressed any interest in anything remotely feminine. I am hesitant to take him to anything labeled. We are going to start with our pediatrician. He’s ADHD and there is a history on both sides of the family for mental health concerns. I am so glad you posted. Thank you
“Not always successfully, we tried to calmly and sparingly convey the message that however she dressed, whatever interests she pursued, she was a female—perhaps an unusual one, but a young woman nevertheless, who might someday become a role model to show other girls just how amazing and truly expansive a woman can be.”
This is really powerful, and inspiring. We need women to express a broad range of possibilities, and I’m so happy to read that some of your efforts are paying off.
I also am disturbed by how quickly “professionals” are turning children against their own parents, telling parents that if they “loved their child” they would just accept them, and putting themselves in a position of knowing more about a young person than the mom or dad who has raised them since birth.
I just talked to a mom today and told her that it’s obvious to me that she loves her child very much and is desperately afraid for their well-being. She seemed surprised and told me that other therapists have taken a very different tune about her skepticism.
I wonder how we got here. I wonder how we have flipped reality on it’s head and told sane, rational, and sober thinkers that there is something wrong with THEM for pumping the breaks.
As stated in this article, that gut feeling, that skepticism, and that level of patience is necessary to help kids make sense of the confusion jumble of pseudo-information they see online. I also love that you got her outside and off the internet. I think that’s really therapeutic. In nature we don’t even see superficial gender roles in animals. The natural word has a lot to teach us about what’s real and true.
My heart goes out to all the families here – I am hoping more clinicians speak out. I know of several besides myself.
Best,
Sasha
I am praying my situation is going to turn out like yours. I have never felt the kind of sadness, watching my absolutely stunning, beautiful girl whack her hair and transform to a person I don’t even know. I’m hanging in there with prayers for a miracle to help her love the girl that she is. God does not make mistakes.
I almost never leave comments, but your situations is resonating so much with mine I feel like I have to say something.
I came out to my parents as male when I was seventeen right before leaving for college. Like your child, I was a reclusive, introverted teenager who spent most of their free time online. Long story short, my parents took my coming out horribly. Much like you, they were willing to accept that I have “tomboy-ish” characteristics, but rejected that I’m trans and essentially told me they will forget that the conversation ever happened. Two years later with the help of my student insurance, I started hormone therapy, and one of the first thing I did was come out to my parents again. They took it worse than the first time, but since then they’ve stopped pretending that this was a non-issue and have been actively trying to talk me out of my transition for the past three years.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about stopping as well.
It’s not because I no longer identify as a man—I still do—it’s because I’m so tired of being beaten down and told how much of a failure and freak I am by the very people who are supposed to love and support me no matter what. I’m so tired of how depressed I feel every time I talk to them on the phone. I’m so tired of feeling alienated by my family.
What’s funny is that everyone else I know from close friends to acquaintances to employers have been supportive. I have, by most definitions, a pretty good, stable life right now. On the days I don’t think about my parents and the things they said to me, I’m pretty damn happy.
I visited them not long ago for three days, and since then I haven’t been able to recover emotionally from hearing their disappointment and utter disgust every time they talk about how I’m “ruining myself, my future, and my body” and how much our relatives would mock us if they knew.
I don’t know how things transpired between you and your daughter exactly. Maybe she was being a teenager and it was just a phase for her. Maybe it is just a bunch young people out there who want to explore their identities and discover who they are. Maybe you’re right that children don’t know what they want, and I don’t think you’re wrong to want to put a stop to those kids rushing into something on an adolescent instinct.
All I’m trying to say is that people like me are out there too, with parents who love them enough to not cut off contact cleanly but who are cruel enough that they will use time, patience, and words to beat the “trans” out of their child because they think they know better. You think we’re influenced by media, by our peers, etc., and all that is true, but you’re underestimating just how much your approval or disapproval as our parents controls us. The truth is, no matter how much the stuff my parents said to me hurt and no matter how much I hate them for it, I don’t want to lose them. The choice I’m trying to make now is between keeping the people I love most and keeping an important part of myself, and one of the things I’m angry at my parents for the most is me having to make this choice at all. I feel guilted and manipulated.
I want to stop existing just thinking about putting on the facade of a woman I’m not to please people, so I’m currently trying to reach some sort compromise between myself and the reality of my situation.
I’m glad your daughter has a mother who watches out for her and wants her to have the best, least painful life possible. But with every story of like hers, there’s others where the trans person stopped and retreated back to “normalcy”, not because of any false alarm, but because of parents like you and mine.
You can reply to me—it’s your blog after all—but I won’t respond. I wrote because what you wrote and your reasoning reminded me so much of my parents that it’s painful, and a part of me commented because I’ve trouble expressing the full extent of how I feel to them due to language and cultural barriers. I don’t know. I have a lot to work through and I haven’t felt this mentally exhausted in a long time. Thanks for listening.
Hi, and thanks for commenting —
I’m so sorry you are having such a tough time. I am glad the love of your parents still feels like a strong tie to you. I don’t know your family or what’s been said to you but it all sounds very sad.
Spouse and I have told our kid, who is barely 18, that we cannot support a transition right now because … brain still developing. Other current stressors that have nothing to do with gender contributing to unhappiness. Past mental health history/diagnoses. Lack of interest in anything but quick application of hormones. (Especially, no interest in counseling that might help kid better understand likely impact of life trauma on disassociation with physical body before trying to create a new identity.)
Nevertheless … adults get to do what they want to do with their bodies. Even if their family members strongly disagree with the choices. So spouse and I have told kid that once college is done and kid is self-supporting, we will not stand in the way of a transition or attempt to convince otherwise.
We want to ensure that there is a well-reasoned, adult understanding of the long-term physical/psychological risks that the course of action entails. Right now we remain very unconvinced that our kid is mature enough to weigh the risks, or has even done anything but very cursory research on what the risks are. But that’s not a forever situation. And kid now knows what sort of “deadline” we are thinking about. (And you know, kid is legally an adult — if they find the $$ to do what they are wanting to do, and work up the initiative to do it, we can’t stop them. But as they are solely dependent on us financially, and also frankly very psychologically dependent, we are not seeing forward motion. if kid wanted to get a job, take initiative, the thing could move forward, you know? But we are not seeing that. And kid continues to be highly functional and engaged and socially connected. I can’t help but see the delay as appropriate. For now.)
I think these are reasonable things for parents to be considering in this high stakes situation. But like I said — I’m not in your family and I don’t know what’s been said to you that causes pain. Our kid knows that, no matter what, we will always love and we will always want a relationship. I hope our kid knows that disgust is not something we feel in regard to presentation choices, hobbies, etc. Sorrow, yes. Not disgust. It is sad that you’ve been made to feel that way.
I do think there’s a lot of bandying of the terms “unconditional love” and “unconditional support” when the person actually means “you have to agree with and actively support all my life choices.” (You didn’t use that term, but I hear it a lot.) And l don’t think a kid can actually demand that of a parent, just as a spouse cannot demand it of a spouse. You can love someone deeply and yet deeply believe they’re doing something self-destructive. You can decline to pay for courses of action that you believe are self-destructive. But eventually in the parent/child situation, you have to let them be adults and make adult choices.
I hope you and your family can reach a more peaceful state of co-existence soon. If you must be estranged from them, permanently or for a time, in order to have the kind of life you feel you must have, that’s always something to consider, too, though I’m sure it would make everyone very sad. I wish you all the best in your continued unpacking of the whole situation.
Very well said. I’ve told my 19 year old who is a sophomore in college pretty much the same thing. You want to take hormones or have surgery then I want you to wait until you graduate college and move out of the house. Once they turn 18 a parent’s hands are tied. I don’t know about you but at 18 I was no where near ready to make major life altering decisions. It’s so hard to sit back and watch them potentially make a very bad choice. You want to protect them but can’t. I understand what Ivan is saying though. My child has expressed to me that it hurts that I don’t show her support. I told her that I can’t just sit back and blindly say ok go cut your boobs off (as she says), go on hormones, call you he and by a different name. It’s not that simple for us parents. It’s almost as if you are mourning the loss of a child. Does that make sense? They don’t understand that. All they get is that you as a parent aren’t supporting them. It’s not that cut and dry. God knows I wish it were.
feeling loss of a child is totally normal in this case!!! coming out i felt as if i killed my female self in a way. it was scary but in the end, for me, freeing. anyway. your feelings are valid!
this isn’t meant to bash anyone but just some food for thought.
as a trans person i was often questioned about my gender and if i was sure i was really trans. maybe it was a phase or confusion or my anxiety or something else. despite having sever dysphoria for years and lots of therapy for other issues this question was ALWAYS given to me. I applied to university though, and accepted the first offer i got. Basically, with the degree, you can do nothing BUT you can apply to law school. Like literallly you need more school to do anything with my degree. like 4 more years of school.
They questioned my gender. but never ever did anyone question my ability to at 16 decide on a very very specific degree and career path.
Thinking about that is just…. confusing to me. I spent 16 years in a body that caused me discomfort and unhappiness and form the age of 4 i thought i’d grow into a proper male. I spent 10 min looking at degrees and then said “eh this one looks doable,” and nobody questioned that. Can anyone explain that logic?
I don’t mean to bash on you for not believing your kid to be ready to start hormones or any other life altering surgery etc. I’m honestly confused about my experiences. I think you’re doing a great job honestly.
The trans card sucks. Wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Hi TransTrash,
I’m not sure why but when I click on your name it leads me to the same website as a previous poster, Imhunguponyou. I don’t know if you are the same person or not, it doesn’t matter to me. But I did want to ask you some questions. The same questions I ask my daughter but she can’t answer because she is confused (her words). I am not coming at you with any judgement or animosity. I truly want to understand better what my daughter is going through. I love her and her sister more than any other person on this planet and only have her best interest at heart. Please know that.
You say you feel male? So does my daughter. But what does that mean? Since my daughter came out in February this year, when she was 16, I’ve researched this a lot. I’ve asked every man I feel comfortable with this same question: What does it mean to be male to you? And ALL of them say, “I don’t know what other men feel, just what I feel.” AND, out of their answers after that initial statement they all described feelings and thoughts that could be said by a woman. So it confuses me when my daughter says she feels like a man. She doesn’t even know what that means. What does feeling like a man feel like? How is it different than your personality?
I think its the dysphoria talking, confusing the brain. This is why its so important for my daughter to deal with the dysphoria itself. And from many many accounts I’ve read about, transitioning doesn’t help with dysphoria. It’s still there. So it makes sense for me, and all the other parents here, to deal with the root cause of the problem, not put a permanent, unalterable bandaid on it.
That’s my number question I guess. What does feeling like a man mean? There is no right or wrong answer, it promotes discussion. Because I really want her to dig deeper.
I won’t address the username thing for personal reasons and my safety. That’s all i’ll ever say on the matter.
I want to be a man vs I am a man. Be wary of that. I use i want to be a man to explain to poeople who may not understand. But when explaining myself to people who do get it i say i am a man. the language is important in the trans community. But that’s not the point.
To me being a man is many different things. It’s s thought provoking question and i wanna start by saying that i never ever saw myself as female.
My dad used to wear steel toe boots when he was out at night. If he saw other men harassing people he would intervene. Steel toes and a swift kick… Ow. To me that’s being a man.
My uncle stood up to hells angels. That’s being a man.
That same uncle was ready to go to prison for murder of anybody touched a girl in his family without her permission. That was being a man to me.
In highschool being a “man” (to me) meant building muscles for straight girls to poke a squeeze. Dumb but still.
To me it means standing your ground but honourably. It means not attacking (physically at least) people unless in defence of yourself or others. It means learning how to cook clean fix cars etc so that you can help people out whenever they need it. It means protecting people. It means teaching more helpless girls how to protect themselves from rapists or abusers etc. It means supporting all abuse victims.
It means questioning why men are less likely to get custody of kids, why there’s less support for men leaving abusive situations, etc.
I have more as to what it means to me personally. Like the rules that i live by.
And i know that some people might say that you could use these definitions of being a man for a woman too. And you could. Because being a man a woman or anything. It objective in some aspects.
as for “what does feeling like a man mean?” I don’t know how to explain it. I think i told my mom to tell me how it feels to be a woman once, to explain that.
and the “how is it different from your personality?” for me i guess it isn’t. I’m TJ. I’ve always been TJ even when people told me i was Jazz. Just that being Jazz didn’t make sense. Ever.
** i used fake names there sorry
To clarify — I don’t have sorrow over my kid’s presentation, hobbies, etc. I have sorrow that kid thinks these things mean it’s impossible to reconcile with the body of the natal sex, and that radical physical transformation and killing the prior identity (metaphorically) will be required for happiness.
And a note for you, Ivan — you may want to consider writing to redressalert@gmail.com , who administers an online community of women who have detransitioned from male identification, or are contemplating detransitioning, or otherwise weighing the pros/cons of reconciling with female identity. My understanding is that this is a supportive and nonjudgemental place of people in various stages of thought, including some people who’ve decided to continue to identify as transmen. They might be a good sounding board and support for you.
Ivan-
God bless you! I am a Mother of a transgender FTM. I’ve accepted my son with open arms. Stay true to yourself….God will never give you more than you can handle.
God iis the only one who can help me. I know He will help my daughter love herself and the beautiful body He gave her. I am fighting depression watching her throw herself into such a state of confusion and saddnes. I’m praying, praying and waiting for God to heal us. This is like no pain I have ever experienced and my daughter doesn’t seem so happy either.
After reading your blog I feel bad you have to live a double life, one for yourself and one for your parents. My son, age 22, recently told me he was gender dysphoric. He wants to become a woman. I have no words to describe feeling as a parent of someone who you think you know to be told you don’t know anything about them. I keep trying to rationalize it in my mind. His whole life he has been my “son”. He has always done everything as a boy would do without provocation. He never expressed any type of feminine anything. His whole persona is male. His chosen field is male dominant. He has had relationships with women. I don’t understand how all of a sudden he wants to be a girl! I asked him if he was gay and he said no he likes women and that transgender doesn’t necessarily have to be rooted in sex. I asked him if he was sexually active with his girlfriends in the past and he said yes but it never felt right. What does that mean? He can’t explain it to me. I am trying to understand and be supportive of him but I can’t help thinking this is a faze. I know that sounds terrible but nothing in his life that i have seen would even remotely make me think he could be a girl. I have told him I am concerned about the medications and their side effects that would be needed lifelong for a transition to female. I just want him to be absolutely positive before doing anything permanent. I need to be able to rationalize this whole thing and understand it to be supportive. Can you help?
You can feel a wide expanse of feelings and interests but that doesn’t necessitate you mutilating your body to try to pass as the other gender. If you are a female you can never be a male. You can do a lot of strange things to your body to like look like a male but you can never be male. And vice versa. Gender is about what’s between your legs-sorry not sorry. That is anatomy, biology, and actual factual settled science. Your personality is what is happening between your ears. And some men are more effeminate. Some women are more masculine. And if you are a man that likes long hair and nail polish you are still a MAN. and if you are a female that wants to be strong and protective and fight the bad guys, etc, and have short hair-you can be those things but you are still a woman.
Saying so-the lie of the mind. Things aren’t what you want them to be just because you say so.
Theresa that’s called autogynephilia. He has a sexual arousal to becoming a woman.
So this morning I was having a conversation with someone in the pharmaceutical industry. Not a trans person, nobody with any skin in that particular game. And we were talking about treatment for high blood pressure, and he was telling me about how, for so many people, drug A leads to body consequence B, as the body tries to compensate for drug A and revert to (in layman’s terms) “steady state.” Then, consequence B leads to drug C, which in turn triggers a body response that will result in the administration of yet another drug. He likened it to a spider’s web, where once you are on the web, the only question is how deep you will get into the web, how many drugs you will be taking that provoke how many other consequences for bodily organs and systems and which will require the administration of yet more drugs.
Of course for me all this called to mind the similar question of what happens to a human body that becomes the subject of massive hormonal meddling. I am pretty sure, not even being in this field, that it isn’t as simple as “substitute testosterone for estrogen” (or vice-versa) and we’ll be off on our merry way. In fact, I’m pretty sure that (a) the human body is not at all calibrated to respond simply or in an uncomplicated way to the administration of foreign hormones and (b) that NONE OF IT has been studied in any kind of holistic or long-term manner. Thinking about the blood pressure example – high blood pressure is a huge problem and has been studied, in depth, for years – and still the treatments are highly imperfect and not fully understood. How much more so for hormone treatments? Administered to growing bodies?
I understand that parents are frightened or browbeaten into accepting and even pursuing these things for their children. But that doesn’t make them safe, and it sure doesn’t make them right.
Although perhaps our children, and others, don’t see it that way – the fact remains that the careful, cautious and skeptical parents want and are actually doing the best for the children. And I believe with all my heart that in time, we will be proven correct. We do what we do out of love!
Spot on, worriedmom, and what a tangled web! Like you, I believe that in time, we will be proven correct. What’s so scary and tragic, however, is how many young people will be caught in the web, and irrevocably harmed, before the dangerous consequences of the transgender cross-sex hormone craze are fully realized.
At least for transwomen… ‘transsexual’ natal men have been using spiro/estrogen for a long time. There’s SOME information on how they do, long-term.
For transmen, it is a complete crap shoot, other than some limited data on the use of T by athletes in ‘doping.’ The recent info re quick mitochondrial damage in FTMs after only a little while on T scares the piss out of me. There are a WHOLE lot of bad results of mitochondrial dysfunction, esp in terms of accelerating age-related degeneration/diseases.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24251401
As I told my kid, FTMs deserve better. She deserves better.
Yes, a very quick Google search turns up many articles about the long-term impact of hormone dosing for young people – here’s just one: http://www.newsweek.com/2014/06/13/east-germanys-steroid-shame-253840.html There is a very good reason that the East German doctors were eventually charged in criminal proceedings. I wonder if this ever gives any of the pro-trans medical people cause for reflection?
Completely agree with you both, worriedmom and Sceptical Mom. Thank you for voicing.
Yes, it’s an unfolding tragedy that so much harm will happen in the meantime.
One of the ironies is that it is those of us who are sceptical of the cross-sex hormone craze, who doubt the wisdom of teens and twentysomethings copying each other in this and in cutting away healthy organs, who are the ones genuinely concerned for the real, long-term welfare of the rising numbers of young people developing gender dysphoria. It sure seems that we care more deeply about the long-term health and life chances of trans-identified youth than those who push them mindlessly to ‘affirmation’, to the permanent changes and risks of hormones and surgery.
All those virtue-signalling ‘allies’, gender clinicians and vocal trans activists pushing for ever faster access to hormones and surgeries – by ever younger teens and children, with inadequate and sometimes non-existent psychological assessment and counselling…. ?!? There seems a complete lack of deep thinking or conscience. Groupthink rules. No evident reflection about social contagion and social compliance, about the risks of dissociation from biological reality, about the parallels with anorexia and BDD and what might therefore constitute appropriate treatment, about the fact of natal sex being inescapable, to name a few elements in this mass experment.
There seems an absence of conscience about the perils of this trend in so many of its ‘supporters’ (enablers?). Yet these are the people getting virtue points for appearing to care about the well-being of trans-identified people. Seems like too many care more about their own PC self-image, not about real outcomes for these kids.
Sceptical concern is too often denied even a voice, or shouted down. Because critical thinking and genuine concern = ‘hate’, right? In fact, the opposite.
Puzzled, you’re so right about the misrepresentative bandying of ‘unconditional love’. How do you show ‘unconditional love’ toward a skeletally thin anorexic young adult, whose firm self-perception is that she is someone who must lose weight, whose ‘identity’ doesn’t correspond with physical reality? Her health and even her life is at risk from her strong belief. Do you agree with and enable her by ‘affirming’ her self-perceptions? Support her toward liposuction of bariatric surgery?
The strong instinct to try to protect kids from fashionable self-harm leads to challenging the dogmas of denial and harm. As worriedmom said, we are careful, cautious and sceptical out of love. No matter how many righteous followers of this trend may claim otherwise.
Also-I recently read about a young woman that believes she is a boy that won a wrestling title in high school on the girls team. Now some were saying she should have been allowed to compete as a boy-but Texas law or her school district (I can’t remember) requires you compete as your actual anatomical sex. But this young woman was doping. She was on testosterone!! She is on the hormones in Prep for a “sex change”. How is that acceptable!?! If any other girl was on testosterone it would be called doping. This girl is on it but because she claims trans status the cheating is ok? And yeah, obviously she kicked everyone’s butt-so did lance Armstrong. It’s not impressive when you are taking enhancement drugs and testosterone is definitely prohibited for athletes.
Just a quick note to TransT, I don’t think the comments will nest but here goes…
I do wish you well. I am sure you are not walking an easy or fun road.
With that said, it would seem that there is a fairly obvious difference between choosing a college/major and trying to change your natal sex. One of the things we are most concerned about for our children is that, once having made certain body changes, those things cannot be changed back. Unlike a choice of college or major (which, actually, many parents do consult on and are concerned about), once you have had body parts surgically removed, or started on a course of hormones, you will never be able to reverse the permanent physical changes. We are also concerned that, having undertaken these very serious body modifications, our children may lose their ability to have children of their own. Once again… that’s forever.
On a personal note – I trained as an attorney and practiced for a certain number of years. There were things I liked about the profession and things I didn’t. And now I do something else. Certainly there is no lifetime requirement that you have to remain a lawyer!
Also to TransTrash and Ivan (and for parents, too!),
Maybe you would find it helpful to check out a recent commenter over on Reddit who has an interesting perspective on her age, her trans identity and when she became more comfortable in herself, and on her parents’ attitude (not accepting, but not hostile).
Here she is responding to a dysphoric, unhappy woman on low-dose T who is wondering about surgery:
“How old are you? If you’re at or under 25, I’d be much more cautious about permanent changes. I always felt like I should have been born a boy (and was disturbed by the anatomical difference) since I was a toddler and firmly identified as FTM and bought the gender identity stuff between ages 18 and 21, but then slowly began to doubt and quietly desisted when I moved across the state (and fortunately had been dirt poor so I couldn’t afford testosterone). I was still quite dysphoric and generally mentally unwell (depression, anxiety, OCD, and low ability to cope with my autism) until I hit age 25, and it was like a switch flipped.
“I became markedly even-keeled emotionally, was happier, my sensory sensitivities and anxieties abated, and just generally more happy and functional than I had been in my life, and the dysphoria pretty much evaporated.” […]
That’s a short bit from a longer comment. (What is the etiquette for quoting in full from other sites, or naming people?)
Other commenters agree about having become more comfortable with themselves in their mid-20s, which is also when human brains fully mature – unlikely to be coincidence?
And from another comment of hers in a different thread:
“I experienced something similar when I identified as trans – I saw my parents as ignorant transphobes who just needed to be educated. I was resolute in my objection to my parents’ calmly presented, logical exploration. (They weren’t “oh hell no, you’re not transitioning – you’re a girl!!!” – they were more like “okay, if that’s what you need to do, we’ll always love you, but you’re female and we’ll always see you as our daughter, and you can’t know what it feels like to grow up male – why do you feel like you are a man and can’t be a non-conforming woman?”) I argued against them for a long time, but a few years passed, and I realized they had been right. Criticism of trans ideology seemed like criticism of my trans friends’ very being, and they were the focus of my social group.”
The first is from the first long comment in this thread:
https://www.reddit.com/r/GenderCritical/comments/5h0c3f/ive_realized_that_ive_become_more_comfortable/
I forget where the second is but you can find it by clicking on her name.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
That difference was not obvious to me. Changing majors is not really an option in my case! Not that i want to or anything.
I guess that answers my question. No adult ever consulted or was concerned about it. Not even my parents. And I know someone will try and argue on that but the day i told my parents i was applying to university they basically said “Ok tell us when there’s acceptance letters to brag about.”
Childbearing was never possible for me, so i suppose that is also something i over looked since my experiences with that made me rather indifferent. Adoption was always a route i’d have to go so…. A bias i suppose.
After reading your comment I suppose then that everyone in my life assumed that they could worry about the changes hormones would do to my body and that my parents would be the ones concerned about my academic future.
Which is still wrong. I don’t think anyone has the right to question me about that (minus a handful of selesct people).
Despite my ending sentences i want to make clear that you very much answered my question and ivey very greatful.
interesting train of thought and i hope it helps some people but not for me. Thank you though i appreciate it!
It is such a relief to have found your page. In August my 21 year old son came out as transgender girl with no previous suggestion or indications at all. My issue is many of his college friends are either gay or gender fluid so my gut is telling me to question. My husband and I were both incredibly supportive even as soon as hormone therapy and gender reassignment surgery and beard removal were immediately brought up. We told our son he would need to see a therapist first to talk over issues etc. He balked, saying therapists try to talk you out of surgery and his friends warned him about that and told him not to let it happen. I feel he is caught up in a group that is pushing him because they feel it’s cool to have and be something different. He just brought up beard removal again and reminded us of using appropriate pronouns. I reminded him that we are still paying for his college and don’t have the money for this as our insurance won’t pay. He is currently dating a self proclaimed lesbian. I don’t know what to think or do! I want to be supportive but all of this sounds and feels so off to me. Any suggestions would be so welcome!
Um???
So look, I get that most people here are probably nice people who love their kids, but if your child is questioning their gender, the right thing to do is let them. Adolescence is a time of exploration, contemplation, and questioning.
And while YOUR child may have only gone through “a phase” please do not use this as a way to say that trans people aren’t real. There are men who have known they were men nearly their whole life, and who have transitioned in their 20’s and are 40 and still are men, despite being assigned female at birth.
It’s okay for your children to question and ponder and think. And if it stays, it stays. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. But it’s not healthy to demonise them for trying to understand themselves.
The only people demonizing others are trans activists who call caring parents “bigots” and “transphobes” if they don’t immediately jump onboard with medically transitioning their kids. Indeed, adolescence is a time of “exploration, contemplation and questioning.” Until very recently, that healthy identity exploration did NOT involve the entire world being coerced into agreeing with a teen’s sudden declaration that they are “really” the opposite sex. Several parents on this site have actually helped their kids avoid a lifetime of hormones and surgeries by letting their kids express themselves however they wish, without carting them off to the “gender therapist.” Such caution and protection is actually showing respect for exploration and questioning–instead of signing up their kids as experimental medical patients for endocrinologists and plastic surgeons.
I get quite weary of the accusation that gender skeptics somehow think people who believe themselves to be the opposite sex “don’t exist” or “aren’t real.” Of course such people exist; their feelings are real. But there’s a difference between accepting the right of some adults to undergo treatments to emulate the opposite sex, and being forced to go along with a child’s self perception, no matter how transient.
And: Doctors don’t “assign” a sex at birth. They observe an objective reality. That terminology has been coopted from intersex people with ambiguous genitalia, who really WERE assigned a sex at birth. People who wish their perfectly healthy (and NOT ambiguous) bodies were different weren’t “assigned” anything.
👍👊
We have always classified our environment. From species to phylum to kingdom and-wait for it-SEX! It is based on anatomical differences seen in the physical body and in the hormonal makeup as well as the DNA. To act as though this is some oppressive system is the same as acting as though I’m being unfair to call my dog a dog instead of a cat. There are specific physical characteristics, DNA, etc that designate my dog a dog.
And if in 200 years the bones of a ftm trans person are dug up they would be classified female. Why? The bone structure would indicate a female. And if DNA was run it would indicate female. That woman may have worn binders and had breast removal surger and some sort of a faux penis fashioned somehow?? Out of clitoral skin?? But no matter what changes she made 200 years later the truth would win out. She would be designated a she. Because gender or sex or whatever you want to call it (I won’t play semantics) is about biology, anatomy, genetics, and actual factual settled science.
If I question the new theory that humans are manipulating the climate in a destructive pattern because I am dubious of the accuracy of long range forecast models given that anything past 3 days is at best 50% accurate-I’m told I’m ignorant and I hate science. But if I look to concrete biological fact that has literally existed since time immemorial that makes me ignorant.
?
It PAINS me that so many factions cannot see THE FACTS as so undisputably as you have presented them. People that twist and manipulate honest facts, to suit their intentions, are disturbed in some sense.
You might want to read here extensively and stop making straw man arguments.
You can’t believe how relieved I am to have found this site as I am also a trans skeptic………though my story is hugely different to those I’ve read here. My MTF daughter (I have no choice but to accept the inevitable and the irreversible) is now 37. Three years ago we had arranged a couple of nights away to meet up with my other son who works in various locations around the country. It was to be a celebration for my younger son (now aged 30). As arranged I met my older child at the station………….and “he” was dressed as a woman! He shimmied into my car, crossed his legs and clasped his well manicured hands over his handbag. We found somewhere for coffee and I learned that he was really a “she” and when asked if the decision to tell me like that was thought about and considered, I was told “you had to know sometime, may as well be now”! No one can imagine how shocked and hugely upset I was. This was my first-born son who I love to pieces and who had always been so kind and considerate toward me. To be treated so badly, particularly as it was only a couple of years since my acrimonious divorce from his abusive father, was really hard. That was the last time I saw him……or her!! Since that time, we’ve spoken on the phone…..until June 2014 when I had suggested we meet up and although a meeting place had been arranged, she changed her mind at the last moment. I said I’d go anyway and hope she changed her mind but received some seriously horrible texts……..”you evil malicious witch” was the final one!
Some background…………..an extremely stressful job and some medical issues. Alcohol and drugs – cocaine and LSD were mentioned but there may be others. I believe these have contributed to a distinct change of personality, together with the current trend and “fashion” of being transgender as there has never been a single aspect of his life which has suggested anything even slightly femine and I know of at least two intimate relationships with girlfriends – one of whom may still be in a relationship with her!!
That last text was the last communication. I phoned last Christmas but was abruptly told she didn’t want to speak to me. I have no idea what I’m being blamed for and as I sit here typing this, am wondering if I have the courage to try and phone again this Christmas.
I would very much welcome some advice………..
Linda, I really feel for you. Your description of your first meeting with your son dressed en femme sent me right back to my first meeting with my ex as his alter ego. I knew that he was a secret cross-dresser and that he was attending a gender dysphoria clinic, but he never had done the whole wig, makeup, clothes thing at home, or in front of me. I didn’t recognise him at first and then, when the penny dropped, my response was a real physical and emotional one. I understand your shock. How you made it to the coffee shop and had a conversation….? Despite my reaction, his attitude thereafter was very much like your son’s; ”now you’ve seen me you’ll just have to get over it”. He never once had any concern for my feelings; just increasing arguments about my inability to ”get over it” and get on with getting the kids on board with it too.
I don’t want to be hard on you, as he is your son. (I’m also the mother of boys), but please do research Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Understanding NPD was the key to my understanding (but not condoning) my ex’s treatment of me. It’s like a ticking bomb had been let loose when he came out and the fall out was most damaging to those closest.
”He shimmied into my car, crossed his legs and clasped his well manicured hands over his handbag.” He had obviously planned his first meeting with you with all the self obsession of an autogynophile. I strongly believe that it is autogynephilia and not the nebulous idea of ”gender identity” and ”being trapped in the wrong body” that is at the root of the behaviour of men like my ex and possibly your son.
”there has never been a single aspect of his life which has suggested anything even slightly femine and I know of at least two intimate relationships with girlfriends.” This too is typical in later transitioning autogynophiles. If you are ready to find out more about autogynephilia, then I would recommend this post by Awesome Cat on his blog, ”The Truth about Autogynephilia”. Warning it can be tough reading. https://autogynephiliatruth.wordpress.com/2015/05/03/gender-identity-is-just-an-alibi-to-hide-male-embarrassment-about-their-autogynephilia/
I think that you have done everything that a mother could in bringing your sons up and sending them out into the world. You have nothing to blame yourself for. Personally I wouldn’t phone him this Christmas. Keep your energy and peace of mind for yourself and your younger son. If he calls you listen to him but don’t get drawn into an emotional exchange. Once our children are adults we will always be there for them but they have no right to walk all over us.
You were dead right in doing what you did. What none of these “theropists” or anyone else that pushes this agenda thinks about is the other family. That being the family of the normal child that gets caught up in a relationship with a transgender. It breaks our heart that our daughter is dating a girl that thinks she is a boy. This girl that thinks she is a boy and taking drugs to be more masceline in middle school has torn our family apart. I had absolutely no dreams that my beautiful daughter would date someone that is pretending/wanting to be a boy. No one ever thinks about us. Those that are negatively affected by the actions of other parents. So selfishly doing what they did to this girl.
Wow!! Thank you SO much for posting this! My 15-yr old daughter is brainwashed by social media and the whole “non-binary” thing and I’m not giving in either. Her grades are suffering and of course, she blames me. She loves when I do her nails and clean up her eyebrows and she wears earrings but she says boys can like those things too. We had a blowout tonight and I’ve decided I’m done. I’m gonna get her outta the house for the rest of school vacation and she’s coming home right after school from now on, until she brings her grades back up. I’ve told her no more social media and getting it blocked on her school Chromebook.
If she decides to resent and leave me when she’s an adult because I’m not rolling over with every whine and whimper, so be it, but I’m a parent FIRST. Her feelings aren’t the only ones that matter and I’ll never accept there being more than males and female. Don’t care who has a problem with that either. She’s my daughter and always will be my DAUGHTER. We all go through crazy, teenage hormones and questioning everything and we learn to deal with things because that’s what life’s about! Not everybody bowing to every whim because of somebody’s feelings. I’m just SO relieved that I’m not alone. she’s cut her hair short but hasn’t pushed anything else.
I stand with you…I am not caving in either!
I’ve considered measures like this, but I’m afraid the extremity of it will push my daughter into rebellion and deciding she will be a boy no matter what. I’m afraid it could backfire. So between wanting to block her access to the internet and force her out of her room to do things (she doesn’t want to do much these days), or wanting to talk gently and try to understand and to explore whatever in her past could be causing this (and I know there’s things there)… I end up frozen in fear and inaction and I’m beating myself up for doing nothing.
For some background, she’s almost 15 and announced in a letter 1 year ago she was a boy. Interesting after I did more research, her letter reads like it’s right off the internet. Before this there was a year or less of being “gender fluid” and “bi sexual”. Now she’s dating a boy and identifies as a gay transgender boy. Nothing before this growing up indicated she was a boy. She’s always been a very sensitive, intelligent, girly-girl, if you will. Even now she dresses like a boy but acts like a girl. There’s also depression and anxiety but I can’t say if it happened before or after the whole trans thing. She says a lot of things that seem to come right off the internet and I know she spends all her time reading these things.
It doesn’t help her father will call her by her boy name and say “he/him”, because he just wants her to be happy with him. So I look like the mean parent… but I’m the ONLY one doing research to try to understand this. He never researches anything. He’s a covert narcissist (I recently and finally figured out after 18 years of emotional abuse) and a social chameleon, and will do whatever others want as long as they like him. So there’s a lot of bad background for my daughter to be running from and it breaks my heart. I want to leave eventually but fear she’ll stay with him and that will solidify all this and I’ll lose her forever. Don’t get me wrong, if she still wants to be a boy in 5 years and is HAPPY and well adjusted with that choice, I’ll support her. But right now there’s too much negative going on.
Oh Jennifer,
How familiar it all sounds. Feeling stuck in inaction due to fear of what a chosen action may cause in your child…
You are not alone…
Your description of her father matches my scenario. Yet, we are now divorced due to his infidelity. In my opinion, this did exacerbate my daughter’s embrace of all things trans. He immediately married the other woman. Total family destruction.
It’s all horrific stuff to watch for a mother. I want real doctors to counterattack this medical travesty being promoted by their greedy and deluded charlatan peers.
My voice does not have the M.D. credential to combat them. Seems like common sense is no credential.
Jennifer my heart goes out to you. Your story sounds so much like mine. My daughter was almost 17 when this all started (she’s 19 now). She was suicidal so even though I tried to be understanding I stayed firm with my stance on the whole thing. Unfortunately for me, it back fired and she went to live with my ex husband, who like your husband, encouraged her. I know how frustrating and painful the situation is and I hope that since your daughter is a couple years younger you can get through to her. My daughter refuses to have anything to do with me now but all I can say is to give her lots of love and try to get her to go for counselling (not a transgender counsellor). Stay strong!!
I just read a story about a woman who lived 10 years l, taking testosterone and such living as a man. the name is Kevin on the internet. And her father was an abusive narcissist and she didn’t want to be anything like him which is why she got the mental help she needed, was diagnosed with another disorder and then she D transitioned. She needs counseling and I don’t know you but this seems like an excuse to start abusiness an innocent vulnerable child. I recommend leaving him and sewing him for mental damages.
I’m another mother going through something similar. Earlier this year my 15 year old daughter came out as a lesbian. She’s never given me the impression that she was anything other than straight. But I then sound like I’m stereotyping. Then a month later she told me she is gender fluid. She wanted a binder but I said no because I don’t feel they are safe. I know through social media her male name, but she has never said it to any family. I told her I will only call her by her birth name, and won’t do pronouns. The thing is, my daughter has always been easily influenced by the people around her. Including influences via television or books. So, I have a difficult time believing that she is in fact gay/gender fluid. I’m a very open minded person. My own mother is lesbian! But at the same time, I know my child. She has always been a liar, high tempered, sneaky, and as I mentioned, influenced by others. When she started high school she made friends with a child that lives nearby who came out as lesbian. Then this child identified as trans FTM. He has be getting t shots for months now. My daughter and he are close friends now. Then there is a boy that lives next door, same age as the others, who is gay. My daughter’s other best friend down the street also identifies as gender fluid. The list goes on. Of the 20 or so friends (between ages 14-18) my daughter has, only 1 identifies as straight and 5 are trans. We don’t live in a very big town. Thus my questioning my daughters intention. While she is at home with us she is the same ol’ kid, except she may be dressing in guy’s clothes. Other days she does her makeup. She cut her hair real short before school began in September. Now she idolizes Youtubers that are gay/trans/ And she imitates Ruby Rose when on social media (but never when with family). I’m at war with my own self because I’ve always said I would never treat my child(ren) differently if they ever identified as gay. But here I am, questioning the actions of my child. And a previous comment here hit the nail on the head. It’s as though we are mourning the loss of our child. She is my first born. High spirited, happy go lucky, girly, and tenacious. And then when she started high school it changed. And as narrow minded as I might sound, I hope she changes back. Because who she is now just doesn’t seem to be her. Does that make sense?
I am in the same boat and so relieved that I came across your web site. Searching the internet does nothing but give options for “children” to go forward with a life changing adult decision and steps that us as parents can take to “Support” that decision. Like I told our daughters counselor (soon to be ex-counselor) in my gut I don’t feel that she is Transgender and that she is putting herself in a box that she won’t be able to get out of. The counselor told me that in 6 months my child may feel differently and be “gender fluid” or “asexual”. My response was, If she changes her mind in 6 months then she’s not “transgender” right now. How in the world did our world turn out this way!? How can I tell my daughter that how she feels is 100% normal. As women there are days we don’t want to be a woman! There are days that we may look and dress more like a man than a man! How can I tell my child that in a world of attention seekers, make believe and hurt feelings that she is totally normal? And how is it done without pulling her out of school and away from questionable friends, removing all internet access and without pushing her to the edge and feeling the only way is out….?
Welcome, and I’m sorry you’re here with us. I think your daughter’s story is similar to many of our kids. I suggest reading through the posts and comments here. Many parents have shared what has worked for their children. Every kid is different, and each deserves an individualized treatment plan. The goal of every therapist should be to help these kids find happiness in their healthy bodies, with transition as a VERY last resort. Sadly, that is not the case. Many therapists will not see the contagion that is happening among teenage girls.
I also suggest visiting some of the other sites that 4thwave has linked on the home page. These may give you some points of discussion with your daughter when the time is right.
In my daughter’s case, we don’t talk about trans anymore. She says she only thinks about it when it’s brought up by someone else. Considering she has 4 friends (that I know of) who are FTT and their whole lives revolve around how oppressed and depressed they are, I don’t know how she can avoid it.
“Considering she has 4 friends (that I know of) who are FTT and their whole lives revolve around how oppressed and depressed they are, I don’t know how she can avoid it.”
A dear friend of mine and I no longer talk for this reason. Since he transitioned, that’s all he talks about: his gender and his sexuality. Being trans seems to be the most interesting subject in the world to trans people. He’d say how people staring at a man in short shorts, piercings and bright purple hair are being transphobic, how hateful it is that a waiter “misgendered” him, how it ruins his day when someone “dead-names” him, how no one will hire him because apparently being a woman means dressing sexually in public and having neon hair… even how transphobic friends were being after they were upset he used donated grocery money to dye his hair yet again. All this obsession with becoming a woman, and yet I know no women who act like this.
So much of being trans seems to be wrapped up in what others say and do. And as we know, there are a lot of mean people in the world. Kids HAVE to learn how to cope with this. I had to learn it as a gay youth going through high school. I heard some really ugly things. I couldn’t let them keep bringing me down. But if kids or even adults learn the opposite, like equating displeasing speech to actual physical assault, feeling attacked if someone so much as uses the wrong pronoun, that is definitely not a path towards the mental health and wholeness that every human being strives for.
I wish your daughter the best. I hope she can find people who lift her up, not constantly drag her down with them.
Welcome to the ever-growing club of parents who are dealing with such things, Rockandahardplace … Please know that you are not alone in this world. I believe the number of parents going through this ordeal grows by leaps and bounds everyday. It is truly the most heartbreaking situation you can be in with your own children. This is the only place I’ve found that is a support for the parents of transgender children – besides my own blog that I started this last January. I have a beautiful daughter who is 22 now. She began T-shots when she was 20 … Just last Saturday, I got a text message from her saying that she was beginning the process of having “top” surgery 😭💔
I’ll pray for you and your daughter … that you will be spared from this heart break and that the girl you gave birth to remains a lovely young lady.
My heart breaks for you. I amin the same struggle with my 13 year old. I’m still praying for God to preform a miracle and give my girl back to me. I will pray for you too.
Thank you Ann, I appreciate your prayers cause I know God can do anything … He can still turn my baby girl around…
You will be praying for you and your little girl, too. She’s so terribly young 😢 Keep the faith, my friend.
Here’s my email address if you ever wanna talk to me susienicholson33@gmail.com
Hello, I am so thankful to have found this site. I am looking for advice. My 16 yr old son has told his father and I that he thinks he is a girl and now wants to see a therapist and get started on hormones. I know, in my heart, that he is not a girl and he is confused. I know he’s sitting alone in his room online for hours talking to people who are telling him other things. He has NEVER shown any interest in being a girl. I believe, after looking at several other sites and reading other peoples stories that his online community of friends, and groups he is in, and youtube videos he has been watching, has put this in his head. He has never worn girls clothes. He has never played with girls toys. This came out of the blue. He is pushing us to see a therapist. I’m lost and confused and have no one to talk to because he wants to keep it secret. I’m looking for advice and help. I told my husband that perhaps we should use reverse psychology and tell him that if he wants to be a girl then he has to dress like one every day from now on for the next three months. I have a feeling if he has to do that he’ll realize he doesn’t want to be a girl. As far as the therapist goes I have no idea who to go see because I need him to see a therapist that will not push the transgender agenda. Has anyone successfully gotten their son to see that they are not a girl just by talking to them?
My 16 yo boy told me on Thursday that he wants to be a girl and has felt this way for years but I don’t see it, never have, not one clue AT ALL. He’s always been very male, albeit shy and hasn’t got many friends but not once have I thought, hmmm he’s a bit feminine. He is a bedroom dweller who spends a lot of time on the Internet and I’m worried he’s being coerced into having an identity when, at 16, who the F knows what we want. Apparently his small group of friends knew before he did. His answers when I question him are very rehearsed, I’ve felt like this for a while, etc but not once did he say I ‘feel’ like I should be a woman. My husband and I are absolutely heartbroken. I think he might be having gay feelings but is too ashamed to say, I’m gay, but we wouldn’t care. The road he’s taking is so hard (I live in the UK) and he’s so young and inexperienced to be making any type of these decisions. I need help I don’t know how to cope with this information. The biggest problem is he’s so uncommunicative all the time and I’m afraid to ask him questions in case of the answers. We have an appointment to see the doctor in two weeks time and he’s promised not to act on these feelings until he’s had therapy. I reiterate, there has been NO NO clues at all in his life time. Oh and he’s been on the LGBT chat rooms too, I’m worried about those but can’t access is computer because he’s encrypted everything.
We’re in the same boat as you – our son told us last week that he wants to be female. Like your son he barely leaves the room, has few ‘real life’ friends but loads of ‘internet friends’. He also sites a couple of trans YouTubers as his influences, but they haven’t influenced him (his words!).
When I see the GP this Friday (I’m in the UK too) I’m gonna go all guns to get all the info I need to try and help him deal with this.
Same with my son. I am in the US. I have no idea what to do. He is stopped pushing the hormones at the moment but wants to see a therapist soon. We just found out also that he has tried on girls socks, underwear and has tried on a dress and he said he likes it. I think it important to note that he has always been into anime and perhaps I should have kept a closer eye on that. He is also always in his room, online, and his friends are all internet only. He has social anxiety and I just don’t know what to do. I know my son is not a girl and I feel the internet has influenced him 🙁
It’s very interesting that you should bring up the subject of anime – ever since we gave our son a laptop for his 13th birthday he has been obsessed with anime – if I could take a picture of his room to show you all the anime posters he has up, not to mention how many anime cartoons he has on his hard drive I would!
Mine hasn’t gone as far as trying on women’s clothes (as far as I’m aware) – but we noticed 3 things recently:
1) One of my wife’s perfumes disappeared a little while back – could be she left it somewhere but she has a very good memory and doubts that’s the case;
2) My wife noticed that some of her personal toiletries were going missing – we confirmed that my son had been using them by doing a ‘before and after’ count – he doesn’t know that we know;
3) He recently changed his Facebook profile picture and in it it appears he has put something under his school top to resemble a bra, giving the perception that he has breasts (my wife hasn’t seen this).
Incidentally, the name he wishes to be called now is from a cartoon called Adventure Time.
I know the OP has another blog that was posted yesterday regarding the anime ‘pro trans’ culture (a Twitter blast if I remember correctly) – if you haven’t seen it yet it’s a good read!
The fact that your son is ‘this far’ i.e. feeling the same as my son – you have to see a specialist about it – you can’t do this on your own. From what I gather a good specialist should look to deal with the dysphoria i.e. not just accept from the mouth of the child that they are gender dysphoric and immediately look at what they can do to ‘remedy’ the feelings (hormone treatment/surgery etc).
Needless to say you can’t keep blaming yourself for not keeping a closer eye on your child – our generation didn’t stop to think that just because we could give our kids what we didn’t have, doesn’t mean we should have. There are millions of us dealing with ‘millennial’ children and the ‘curse’ of modern society, but we are where we are…
You’re a loving parent who only wants what’s in the best interest of their child but sometimes we need help in order to give them that.
Book an appointment with your family doctor if you can. That way your son will see that you’re taking his thoughts seriously and not just brushing them under the carpet and hoping they’ll just go away (like I did).
A lot of transgender and nontransgender teens and young adults watch anime. Has your son been tested for aspergers? Just a thought. My daughter who identifies as transgender, watches anime and suffers from extreme social anxiety has it.
Jesus Christ (although he has nothing to do with this!) – I’m so glad I came across this blog – I thought I was losing my marbles!
My son, who’ll soon be 16, wrote me and his mother a letter last week stating that he ‘can’t do this any longer…lacking motivation…wants to be a woman’.
He’s a bright child but has always been what I’d describe as a recluse, or should I say an internet addict. I blame myself for allowing him to have unfettered access to the www from the age of 13 – if I’d known what was to come I’d have blocked access during the evenings when he was most active.
He’s had a couple of relationships with girls but they were very short lived. He only has a handful of friends from his middle school and has made no attempt for from meaningful relationships with anyone at his current school. He has, however, a plethora of ‘internet friends’ and, I quote from the letter, ‘…my internet friends…who were always there for me…everyone has helped me so much…I wish I could go to them…’
At his insistence my wife took him to the GP last week for a consultation, but because she (my wife) was so upset she left the room so I don’t really know what my son said. Needless to say he’s going back this week for a blood test and a physical, then it’s an appointment in London then lord knows what…
I hate – HATE the fact that whenever you search for information everywhere is saying, ‘don’t worry – it’ll be ok…let you child be who they want to be…’ – there’s no mention of the fallout that affects immediate families, not to mention extended families and friends – it’s like, ‘stuff everyone else – YOU’RE the only one who matters in all this.’ – like hell it is!
And now I’m caught in between a rock and a hard place – I don’t believe he should be even contemplating this, but if I voice my opinion I’m concerned that may ‘push’ him towards an outcome I don’t want to see. I’m also concerned that if he does go ahead he’ll lose me as a father as there’s no way – NO WAY I can ever accept him as a female.
I’m glad to read that in this world of political correctness gone crazy there’s at least some sane adults who see things as I do – thanks for that!
You guys are terrible honestly. You people make it so much harder for me to come out to my parents. I think I would have disowned you people as parents. You’re children are questioning their gender identity and you are sitting here whining about how you can’t handle the stress of not having a cis kid. Seriously, be disappointed in yourselves, not because you “made them like this” but because you don’t even have the decency to call your child by their preferred pronoun.
Eli, ignorance is bliss – if you ever become a parent only then will you understand what we are going through. Only experience will give you the qualification to call us terrible because we love our children and only want what’s best for them.
Come out to your parents – that’s your right. You’ll only know if they’re willing to help your feelings if you tell them. But don’t for one second think they HAVE to accept it, just because you feel they should ‘get with the program – it’s the 00’s for Christ’s sake!’ – that s NOT how it works.
I don’t have a ‘cis child’ as you put it – I have a child who is hormonal, confused and who, more importantly, has allowed himself to be sucked into the ‘politically correct world of the transgendered’; are you saying that because he says he’s trans that he is? Please, don’t be so naive.
I’m not disappointed in myself – I’m proud that not only does he feel comfortable that he was able to tell us, but that we’re willing to help him figure out what’s going on.
Being a parent is tough – sometimes we get it right, sometimes we get it wrong. We don’t have all the answers. But if I see any of my children slipping down a precipice that they can’t climb out of you can be damned sure I’ll be there to throw them a lifeline to help pull them out. If that isn’t love then I don’t know what is.
I totally agree with your comment. Unfortunately most of our kids don’t see it that way. We are actually trying to protect our children but they don’t see it that way. They see it only as Mom doesn’t accept me for who I am. Until you are a parent you don’t understand that. I NEVER in a million years would have thought there would come a time in my life where I didn’t support or accept one of my children and until you live it you don’t get it. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and the fact that my child is on the spectrum just makes matters that much harder.
Sometimes, the most loving thing a parent can do is say, “no” to their kid. Kids like Eli are very instructive in what they post to forums like this. Their posts are proof that they can not see around corners or anticipate the future. Their brains won’t even mature until they are in their mid-20s. The last part of the brain to develop? The part that allows people to have foresight, see around corners, and anticipate the long-term effects of short-term actions. There is a reason kids like Eli aren’t allowed to vote, join the military, drink alcohol, etc. Eli’s lack of maturity is obvious. (I’m guessing Eli is 12.) The one thing we adults have done wrong? Overindulging our kids and sheltering them to the point that they think their spoiled, 1st world problems even rate. This is not a favor. If these kids had ANY insight they would be ashamed and embarrassed that they ever thought pronoun usage mattered. Meanwhile, some kid in Syria is being gassed to death, women in India are being gang-raped and killed, and there are more slaves today than ever before in the history of humankind!
Oh, the Privileged First World horrors of not being called by your preferred pronoun! Could you be any more spoiled and clueless?! You call the people posting here “terrible”? How melodramatic! You know what is terrible in the real world? A child with 2nd and 3rd degree burns covering half their body, a 6-yr-old cancer patient saying their final goodbyes, a woman shot and killed by her ex leaving behind 4 orphans, African families forced to flee their homes due to genocidal maniacs— these things are actually “terrible.” Boy, are you sheltered, kid! Grow up. Maybe if you volunteered in a hospital, and saw some things that are really terrible, you would grow up a bit and gain some perspective.
Eli, I don’t know how old you are and I don’t want to judge. Your parents love you no matter what. If you feel that they will not support you then try to slowly bring up conversations about your feelings to them. Im pretty sure though if your not of legal age your parents have the right to keep you safe and make the right decisions for you. My son is only 14. He told me he was transgender through a text, one of those “facebook quotes”. Not his words. I was heartbroken only because I know how cruel this world is. Then I was confused. He doesn’t want to change how he dresses, shave off his facial hair or call home by any other name, he can’t even give me a clear answer to why he is transgender. Not liking sports is not a good enough reason. I’m not going to support his decision of being transgender, not yet anyway. He is only 14, I would not let him get married, get a tattoo or piercings if he asked. So I’m not going to give him permission to alter his body in any form.
Eli, as a parent, it is my job to make major medical and life decisions on my child’s behalf until she is of legal age. It’s a job that I gladly take very seriously. My job as a parent is to do my absolute best to raise an adult who is independent, self-sufficient, happy, and healthy. Someone who can deal with the real-world challenges that everyday life throws at her. Making her a permanent medical patient doesn’t bring her health. It doesn’t cure her dysphoria. I do her no favors by making her whole life about trying to be something that it is not physically possible for her to become. She cannot be a male. I won’t lie to her and tell her that the world will bend to her desire. It won’t, and there is nothing I can do to make it so. I can’t provide a bubble for her to live her adult life in, where everyone uses the right pronouns, she never has side effects from the hormones, and every man treats her like one of the guys. What I CAN do is do my best to help her find a way to be happy in her healthy female body.
I don’t expect you to understand or relate to a parent’s feelings on this issue. That is not meant as a slight to you. You are a teenager and haven’t had children. You don’t know what it’s like to be an adult or be a parent until you’ve lived it.
I’m actually getting tired of reading posts from teenagers who think they know better how to parent my child better than I do.
Amen!! My daughter’s 19 year old roommate at college thinks she know better than I do!!! Drives me insane!!! Like you, I told her she will never truly understand what I’m going through until she is a parent.
It’s terrifying to think that strangers on the internet have more influence over our kids than we do simply because they tell them what they want to hear. Confirmation bias is heavily ingrained in believers of the trans-narrative. And what sucks is confirmation bias causes people to hold even tighter to their beliefs especially in the face of proven facts that prove the exact opposite. A person who firmly believes one viewpoint will rationalize that the facts are skewed or just wrong.
I was reading a debate between a poster on here and another woman. Shout out to Skeptical Mom! (it was an older post from a couple of years ago and I lost the link. Might’ve been on Reddit?)Your argument was well reasoned, your facts were flawless, you cited your sources and you didn’t allow yourself to get sucked in by name calling. Should’ve been a slam dunk– only the other poster just kept on repeating the trans party line and would hear none of it. She wouldn’t even believe you that your main concern was the health and safety of children. Then of course it ended with the inevitable ‘transphobe/hater’ tag and ‘I’m blocking you.’
From what I could tell this was not a bad person like these disgusting trolls on twitter. This was someone who believed the trans or suicide dichotomy. That was her life raft to cling to against the flood of truth and reason. If she changes her mind, kids will die. No matter how sound the rationale, she thinks she has a moral upper hand because suicidal teens must be saved. We’ve all heard it, ‘a live son is better than a dead daughter.’
So how can we even argue against that? When we’re perceived as terrible people who don’t care about suicidal kids?
Disguise your arguments as questions and throw in a sneaky bit of shame.
For instance:
How is it OK to just ignore my childs other diagnoses of depression and aspergers in favor of a one size fits all cure that even the doctors admit is experimental?
Explain to me how it’s transphobic for me to simply try to understand why she has these feelings? Am I damaging my child by just asking her questions?
What kind of responsible doctor diagnoses a kid over the phone without even laying eyes on her? Doesn’t that seem unprofessional? I mean, would that be good enough for your child?
How can Center for Transyouth have a 100% rate of transition? Doesn’t that seem almost miraculous? Where have you ever heard of a cure for any other disorder that’s that effective?
Let me make sure I understand, by agreeing to dangerous, unregulated medications and permanently disfiguring surgeries, I’m accepting my child just the way they are? Does that seem rational?
If there’s some other way for my child to feel like a whole person without cutting pieces of herself off or taking drugs, don’t I owe it to her to at least find out about it?
You can’t really rebutt a question because it’s not an argument. It’s instinctive for the brain to search for the answer as opposed to when you just give facts. They’re already lining up their disagreement right? Probably won’t sway the psychopath twitter trolls but you might at least get some of these supporters who consider themselves as rescuers to stop and consider your point of view.
What you are describing with this excellent comment is the Socratic method. It’s a great way to try to engage people in critical thinking about this topic. In my experience, though, most people who have immersed themselves in trans ideology are allergic to the Socratic method. Difficult questions that they have no easy answer for often result in blocking, even when those questions are delivered in a very respectful manner. Still, it’s worth a try in the right circumstances.
Yeah unfortunately that is true, no matter how reasonable you try to be some people just stick their fingers in their ears and go lalalalalalalalala. There’s a Youtuber who frequently posts trans positive stuff and his last vid, commenting on people’s questioning of National Geographic article contained outright lies, old and flawed data and the usual implication that anyone who isn’t on the Trans Train is 4a homophobe and bad person.
So, I applied my arguments like I did above. I was polite, I didn’t call names and I didn’t misgender ‘her.’ Just asking questions. Meanwhile, there were commenters of all colors posting slurs and saying He was going to hell, the usual troll tripe. I was blocked and the haters left alone. Asking questions is too dangerous I guess!
You nailed it JParle! “Asking questions is too dangerous I guess!” It is that simple!
Thank you for posting this. I have felt so isolated for so long. I’m afraid to tell anyone what we have gone through with our daughter because we are so tired of being judged or being placated with bumper sticker ideology. Even close friends don’t understand. My daughter still acts very masculine in her mannerisms and the way she talks but she has dropped the male identity and accepts the fact that she’s female. She still clings to her bi-sexual identity but we have at least made progress since she was 12 when she first “came out”. I remember her as a little girl getting so upset with me when I would not let her wear her older brothers clothes….and enraged when I told her at age 7 that she could not grow up to be a man. She didn’t want to wrap her mind around not being able to change. She has seen being feminine as being “weak” and she wanted to be strong. She still likes to flex her muscles in front of me. I try not to cringe. I try to keep my reactions in check because I don’t want her thinking it’s “HER” that I am cringing at….and not just the overly masculinized behavior. I have to hide when I’m sad because I don’t want the people in my life to ask me what’s wrong. I had to quit a job when I found out she had a little girlfriend. I was hurting so bad and my boss was a jerk already…..add that life issue and I couldn’t work. I was crying non-stop because one of my fellow employees was nice to me. Every time I tried to talk to her, the flood gates would gush out and I’d be a mess. It’s just so nice to know I’m not alone. We are going on 4 and a half years of this issue. She has been to a therapist that specializes in this situation and is a christian counselor but we had to move cross country to my military husband’s new permanent duty station. Now I’m just placing it in God’s hands and suffering in silence. I am usually a very open person so not being able to openly express myself to anyone except my husband….when he’s not deployed….has been very painful. Just….thanks again for posting this. God bless you.
San
I can feel the pain that you are expressing here, and I know that despite our best efforts we all have some kinds of expectations for the people that our children will grow into and it is tough when they choose a path that we never anticipated. So I am not here to judge your emotional response to your child, but simply to suggest that the glass might be more full than it seems. I for one am desperately trying to convince my daughter that she can dress however she wants and love whomever she wants and live whatever kind of life she wants and still be a girl/woman. I want her to know that the category woman includes a vast range of people and she can make it her own. It seems like your daughter is feeling that way in some part and I would just humbly suggest that you enjoy that insight that she has. I would get a lot more sleep if I could simply persuade my daughter that she can be herself and be a “her”.
Hey, how about you don’t get a say in what being trans is if your cis, you’re an overbearing parent that doesn’t know jack diddly about being trans. If you take this article into consideration maybe you should consider actually LISTENING TO YOUR CHILD INSTEAD OF A PERSONNON THE INTERNET WHO DOESNT KNOW YOUR CHILD AT ALL
Thanks for unintentionally making our point.
It’s us overbearing parents that don’t prescribe to the ‘because your child says they’re trans they most definitely ARE trans!’ that will end up saving our children from potentially the worst mistake they’ll ever make in their life.
Oliver, you want a life of never ending visits to your doctor, the risk of life threatening pills you’ll have to take forever, never being able to fully identify as either male or female and permanent ‘body mods’ to satisfy you’re belief that you were born in the wrong body then be my guest – it’s your life.
But when it comes to MY child and MY child’s well being, in both his physical and mental health, then I’LL be the judge, and I certainly won’t be ‘listening to some person on the internet who doesn’t know my child at all.’….
I don’t know anything about you, Oliver.
But you should probably take your own advice.
So we should just let our kids damage their bodies because you say so? Let me ask you this, if a child was to stomp and scream in the middle of a supermarket or mall because the wanted candy or a toy, would you buy them that toy or candy to make the screaming stop?
I know I would not Oliver. Obviously you have no idea what it is like to be a parent and maybe I’m reading too much into your comment, but it sounds like you are maybe in your teen years? Am I right?
Maybe instead of reading things from the trans activists online who dare to suggest to my daughter, that she can’t be a lesbian therefore to be accepted into society has to grow a penile piece of genitalia, deepen her voice, get her breasts cut off and grow a beard, that only then will she be accepted by other girls for dating purposes, maybe instead of listening to your peers, you should listen to adults, who’s brains have fully formed.
Oh and she has quietly desisted, but is not ready to face her peers yet with that news. Now what does that tell you? That she is fearful of what her “trans loving activists” would say. Would they still accept her into their peer group? Or would they kick her to the kerb because she no longer identifies as trans, and is actually quite happy to be a butch lesbian? Would they now call her a transphobe and Cis scum?
Peers have so much influence, or did you not notice that in your teen years.
Bottom line, I raise my kid the way I deem fit, not by the how the trans community deem fit.
I am shaking. This is my life. Instead of treating my son’s depression, his therapist is leading him down a path to “embrace” that he is transgender. Is my son still depressed instead of feeling free? Yes, and I am utterly terrified. The suicide rate among people who truly face gender dysphoria is extremely high.
There is a book every parent out there facing this should read. No matter the path you take with your child, please read this. It is called Paper Genders by Walt Heyer. The book gives you the history of how transgenderism began. He has written other books, I ordered them all.
I wish I could talk to you in person. I love my son. I am so angry and feel so helpless that his depression is not being treated. He is 22. Please pray for my son. In my opinion, there are young lives at risk because they are not being properly cared for…and being fed WRONG information in their vulnerable state of mind.
Mary, I will definitely pray for your son and please pray for my daughter. She will be 21 in three weeks and to be honest, I am terrified of what she will think of next. Pray that the Lord has him and trust in Him that your son will discover the truth.
Mary R. – I will definitely be praying for your son. There’s nothing like this surreal journey we – as parents – are dealing with … and the numbers of these poor kids who believe they’re transgender just keeps growing.
My daughter is 22 … she started taking Testosterone shots a year and a half ago. She is changing – her voice is deepening, her emotions are completely different than they were, and now she’s getting ready to start the process for removing her breasts….my heart is broken.
I’m gonna get a copy of Paper Genders – thank you for the recommendation.
I got a copy of Paper Genders. I wasn’t impressed with it. I was hoping to give it to my 20 year old daughter to read who also insists, based on research she did on the internet and “looking at how people around her view themselves”, she is transgender. After reading it, there wasn’t enough in there that I felt would sway her. Maybe you’ll feel differently.
Hi. Feels great reading your words. Hope they help me with my carefully considered conversations with my son I think it’s the circle of friends he’s just met. IDK. I’m In a tidal swamp with sneakers on! Thanks so much for this blog. DD
After googling terms regarding whether or not my feelings as to whether or not I want to identify as Transsexual, I found this post.
I’ve been having doubts about my gender identity since I was ~19 or 20, a good 3 to 4 months before Caitlyn Jenner was even a blip on the cultural radar. I first identified as Transfeminine and now have downgraded to Genderqueer. I was on Estrogen and Testosterone Blockers from December 2015 to March 2016, but had to put the HRT on hold due to monetary constraints and loss of insurance.
Since the beginning of my identity journey, I’ve been trying to figure out whether or not my motives aren’t just a form of confirmation bias. I made it clear to a therapist (not a gender therapist) that I wanted to go into this as rationally as possible so as to make the best educated decision I can make. In March, I realized that, from what I can remember at least, I may have begun questioning due to sexual inadequacies and lack of fulfillment in that area of my life.
I’d like to go back to Therapy in order to receive help figuring myself out. As soon as I’m able to fund it, I’ll do so, but until then, I keep going in circles when I don’t keep myself busy with work or making music or ingesting other types of media as well as human conversations.
My question to you, OP (4thwavenow) is this: What do you recommend I do to help alleviate my anxiety regarding how I want to identify my gender?
We aren’t therapists here, but it seems talking to a therapist you trust, who is at least agnostic about these issues, would be really important; a therapist who would have an interest in helping you dig into the other issues you mention, vs attributing everything to gender dysphoria. Others may have suggestions as well. Thank you for writing in.
cjsnow1, have you found the Third Way Trans site yet? If not, I think you would find it helpful.
This post might be a good place to start: To the young gender questioners, I was you.
Why do you have to define your “gender” at all? What importance is it? Why can’t you just be a human with a biological reality? What would change for you, depending on how you defined your gender? You do realize that you can be any sort of person you want to be, in the skin you are in? Men don’t have to fit stereotypes and neither do women. Any definition you give your gender is just a social concept on top of a social concept. My suggestion? Keep busy growing as a human by working, going to school, reading, making music, exercising, and doing other productive activities. These issues will sort themselves out, especially if you don’t pressure yourself to label yourself. Labels are for cans of soup, not humans. Trans is a regressive movement, based on identifying with stifling stereotypes of the opposite sex. Not exactly very progressive-sounding when put like that (the way it is) is it?
Wow you guys have really put me in a bad mood. Every single day humanity managed to surprise me with it’s ignorance. What does it matter, honestly? If your kid wants to cut their hair short or grow it out long or wear makeup or dress like a boy or whatever just let them. Would you rather have a child that meets your ideas of gender normaty or have a happy child? Even if your kid isn’t actually trans dysphoria is very real and it is very painful. You don’t have to let your child do anything permanent like hormones or top surgery, but at least let them be comfortable in their own skin! Before I came out as trans my dysphoria nearly killed me. I literally tried to kill myself, and I know dozens of other people who share a similar story. Does it really matter to you that much? Would you really rather your child hate themselves than call them by their preferred pronouns? It’s our job to love each other and to especially love our children. To teach, and love, and take care of. That’s your job as a parent, not to tell your child what will and won’t make them happy. They might even grow out of it, but seriously, all of my friends who are trans who have unaccepting parents HATE their parents. Do you want your child to be unhappy AND to hate you? It’s not that difficult, and it’s not that big of a deal. As long as they’re not hurting themselves or anyone else, just let your child do what they want to do that will make them happy.
Happiness is more important than gender, and it really upsets me knowing there are so many people out there who disagree.
And as far as Christianity goes (I feel that is a concern for you) God won’t hate you for loving your child and letting them be happy. Being transgender is your child’s choice and it’s their walk with God.
There always seems to be a lot of arguments on forums like this, but I can’t just sit idly by knowing there are kids out there who hate themselves because there parents won’t accept them. Sorry if I offended anyone, but please keep an open mind and don’t get stuck in your ways.
“If your kid wants to cut their hair short or grow it out long or wear makeup or dress like a boy or whatever just let them.” I think most of the parents here have zero problem with this statement. I never policed my daughter’s hairstyle or clothing choices. (Well — I wouldn’t let her wear hootchie shorts to school. I still think that was an OK call.)
I am sorry for your dysphoria and that you attempted suicide. However, you are arguing from a position that everyone is exactly the same. I have been reading and posting here for over a year and a half. The only thing the parents here have in common, really, is that our (mostly) teenage daughters all suddenly decided they were trans, with no real past history. Well, except, as the parents looked back over their kids’ lives, they saw trouble spots — like undiagnosed symptoms from the spectrum, or mental health difficulties, or past trauma, or a sexual orientation which was being suppressed. The one thing which we all have in common is being told that our kids follow a common narrative — that they’ve ALWAYS been this way and now they have dysphoria and they’ll kill themselves if we don’t hop to and do exactly what they want. You know — kind of what you’re saying.
And, even, in my situation, when I didn’t oppose the identification, but refused surgery and hormones and to outright go along with every demand, my kid GOT WORSE. She was, as you say, fully supported and affirmed and accepted at school. And do you know what happened? She stopped going to school. She ended up becoming a hermit in our home. She came to a complete standstill, sitting on a couch, staring into a phone, refusing to do ANYTHING. And, what, pray tell, were we doing which was so terrible? We called her no name (just endearments) and used no pronouns and tried to get her to see friends (even the trans-positive friends we weren’t super-keen on) and to do things she liked and to LIVE. And she freaked out regularly and was abusive and destructive. Frankly, she should have been SKIPPING to the place which was being so supportive and knocking it out of the park. And she wasn’t.
I think that all parents here want is for our children to be seen as the individuals they are. And, that is just NOT happening. When parents are seen as the enemy and their knowledge of their children is seen as tainted in some way, it sets the professionals up to be antagonistic. Even you are saying clothes and hair choices show support. I’ve been saying that all along. My daughter wrote long, involved letters telling me she required surgery and hormones and then changed a year down the road and insisted that she’d never asked for any such thing. Frankly, as a parent, I’m not surprised. But the professionals say I’m misremembering, not that my kid is doing what kids do or what a mentally ill person might do — use some disordered thinking.
“And as far as Christianity goes (I feel that is a concern for you)…” This just shows that you’re comfortable making straw man arguments and haven’t spent any time reading here. I can’t say there are NO religious parents here, but, in longterm engagement, I can say that I see religious arguments being made by trans-positive posters in two ways. One is like you, insinuating that religion is a main argument of the parental side. And I can’t remember one parent who has put that forward. We’re pretty proud of the fact that we argue from facts and science and child development. I’m not upset if a parent is religious and feels that that’s a part of their worldview and I wouldn’t want a religious family to refuse to engage. I would want them to feel we support them in having their child seen as an individual. But I think it takes reading a couple of posts and seeing there’s not any religious arguments being made on our side.
The second religious thought I see here is from the trans-positive side. There’s a BELIEF in the rightness and a single narrative which strikes me as more religious than based in reality. Posts from the trans-identified are always filled with “shoulds” and threats of destruction and loss and plagues upon the people who just won’t toe the line.
BoyFedUp, nobody here is angry with you for coming here with your questions and concerns, but if you’re interested in “keeping an open mind and not getting stuck in your ways,” I would gently suggest that you give the articles on this site a fair hearing. You assume that the author of this site is a conservative Christian who believes God hates trans people, and you assume that she doesn’t let her daughter dress and behave in ways that don’t conform to sex role stereotypes. This suggests to me that you haven’t really read what she’s written — you just saw the headlines and are responding to your own mental image of what a “bigoted transphobic parent” looks like.
If you read this site more carefully, you’ll find that not every parent who worries about teen trans culture is a religious bigot or a sexist. Many secular liberal people are also skeptical of the transgender narrative. Your writing style suggests that you’re still a teenager, and I wish you the best in whatever decisions about gender work for you, but please consider the possibility that the voices on social media telling you that you must transition or die don’t actually have your best interests at heart.
Why is a person who is religious in any way always referred to as a bigot?
Hi Katherine and welcome to the board. I think that the statement above about “religious bigots” was not meant to imply that every person who is religious is also a bigot. Please don’t think we feel that way! I am SUPER sensitive to this in fact. I am a Christian and my faith is extremely important to me. I have been disappointed, in the past, in that some people on “both sides” of the “debate” have assumed that Christian people cannot be tolerant of and love their LGB brethren and vice-versa. I am always sad when I see posts from people who assume that to be religious necessarily implies that you are narrow-minded and unkind.
It’s definitely true that people who support the trans agenda seek to invalidate those of us with principled and reasonable objections, by lumping us in with “bigots” (whether religiously-motivated or otherwise). It makes them look much more sympathetic and persecuted, if they can claim to be the victims of the big bad right-wing meanies. That’s why a site like this, that studiously avoids any other debate than the factual, is so threatening.
Stick around! You’ll see that our only actual hostility is towards those who would harm our children’s health and well-being.
You know what, I don’t even care anymore. No one is going to listen to me because rarely anyone ever does. It’s 1:30 am and I’m tired beyond belief and getting angry at people I don’t even know and I’m sorry. Forgive me and my many typos and grammar mistakes.
I just hope everyone can love their children for who they are and who they want to be, and I pray that your children find peace and happiness, too. Whether it’s with their biological gender or not.
Every parent who comments here is completely fine with letting their kid express gender in whatever manner they prefer. Our sole objection is to medical treatments that are unproven and especially in the case of Natal females likely unsafe. We are worried about our kids health, we are not worried about making them fit into society boxes. Please read what we really are saying and not what you assume we are saying. Almost no one here comments about religious beliefs, so that is another area where you seem to be arguing with comments that do not exist here. In fact most of the people here are politically liberal. We have to be concerned about our children’s long-term health, not just their unhappiness at the current time. That is what a loving parent does. I would like nothing more than my child to never have to be unhappy, but that is not the human condition. Reasonable people can disagree regarding the long-term risk of these treatments, but no one can argue that they have been scientifically proven to be safe. When my kid is an adult with full reasoning capacity developed my kid will do with my kid does. And I will love her regardless. But I cannot in good Conscience say yes to something that I am reasonably sure it’s going to damage her health
Hi there!
I am neither a mom.. nor do i have the intention of becoming one.
However .. I do remember when i was younger and I went through this my self.
Frankly.. I think its part of being a teen ager.
Trying to find out who and what you are. If you are a transgender… or just your born gender with some traits of the opposite.
See in my fathers family, VERY little difference is made between how the women children and men children are raised.
The women have to be strong to help the men when they had to work on the farm, tend the live stock, or even go hunting.
The men had to know how to cook and clean and look after the youngins because sometimes the women were, having another baby, helping with other family or just plain needed help.
Gender rolls in that family were never “Defined”.
So i grew up believing what my Grams Told me.
It does not matter what you are, WHO you are, your actions are what define you.
Eventually my dad got his degree and we left that tiny lil town and that lil farm.. and went out into the big world.
There came a point in my life when i questioned my Gender Identity as I think all people do.
Mostly when i realized that my political dissertation for school would be taken more seriously by a male.
But what it boils down to is that some men and women do share the traits of the other gender.
Specifically if you grew up in a home that made no differences.
IF a woman feels like a man thats not a bad thing.. if those feelings persist as you reach adult hood.. then you can figure it out as you go.
But i think if, like my father’s family, out society encouraged both genders to be lest rigidly defined and understand how the other worked.. there would be different results about being a “trans”.
Now if someone is.. that is great!
But as a lot of other people have said.. you need to take the time to make sure.
That being said.. if your daughter wants to be more manly then let them… I was raised to believe there is NOTHING wrong with a woman hunting, or working the farm, working on construction, serving in the military, or any other “male” role.
If you can do it, go for it.
I am an expert marks woman, I regularly hunt, and have a second degree black belt in martial arts. I’ll get out and raise beams, nail roof tiles and tend the live stock as well as any male in my family.
I also have a huge designer dress collection , drool like a mad woman over vera wang’s i cant afford and collect dolls.
I usually wear pants and no make up, I dont do my nails because I am an artist and work on a farm and itd just be a waste of time and money.
But occasionally i slap on the war paint, put on that tiny black dress and drag the hubby to down town dallas for a night out.
Maybe it is being trans, maybe its just the woman wanting to do those things.
Neither is bad.
I think if your girl decides she wants to do that, let her.. if she wants to wear pants and be more masculine let her.
And if eventually she may want to transition great.
the important thing is to never stop loving your child.
Thank you for that wonderful read. I am a single Mom struggling with my 15 yr old wanting to go (FTM). It’s been a struggle since in 5th grade. We have gone to therapy and it’s helped our therapist was great and trans himself. I think it’s finally time to allow my soon to be son live his life the way he feels comfortable. Have a blessed day!
I was with you the whole entire way until… “And if eventually she may want to transition great.”
I just can’t think that transition would be great. I have known too many transitioners, and have become too educated on the medical impact of sex-change, to ever think it would qualify as great, or even good, or even not bad. I already have a life-long medical patient (a transplant recipient) in my immediate family, and I know from very close-up and personal that anybody who is in those shoes would prefer not to be. And that is someone who would actually (not figuratively) have died without it.
Transition, not a neutral or God forbid a positive thing, no matter how you spin it.
Good for you! So glad to see a parent getting it right, and not taking all the brainwashing!
You don’t deserve to have children. I hope your son will be very happy without you in his life 🙂
Exhibit A: Typical mindless hate comment from know-it-all ignoramus. Complete with smiley face! 😀
Can’t you just hear the door slamming, the body being thrown down onto the bed, and the phone whipping out to text madly about “my horrible parents!!!”?
Hi… I am a 50 some woman….I was born in 1960… I can remember loving matchbox cars and boy things as a kid… hated dresses… as a teen in the 80’s I worked on my car and did body work in the drive way… I choose construction jobs as a young adult… and I can remember thinking am I a boy… I would pull my hair back and see what I would look like as a boy in the mirror…. because what I liked did not fit with what I was told a girl should like….and I think this caused confusion… I loved sex…. God for bid…. and that was okay for boys but not girls… I was a whore… well fast forward …. and I will skip much… but I am so glad there was not this choice of trans back then…i would have been a prime candidate for surgery… some where along the line I got in touch with my feminine side and love her… I know now I can…. do both or anything without a sex change… glad you are holding your ground
Exactly! The obvious answer is to expand the range of interests and behaviors that we expect from each sex, not to manipulate people into risky surgeries. There is nothing wrong with women who like cars, construction, and sex.
I have been searching for anything that didn’t conform to the media’s image of transgender in our society. I am tired of the idea that you cant act like the opposite gender or injoy what they injoy while still accepting your physical gender. This seems to stem from the millennial group being raised as winners, that you can do and be what ever you want. The fact is that is absolutely not true, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being different but trying to alter the facts of what you were dealt at birth goes back to alway’s being a winner no matter what. Clearly there is not enough real life struggle for most people and ironiclly we need chalenges to find out who we are as indaviduals.
I my self thought I might be gay or enjoy the life style when I was 14-15. Come to find out I was just teriffied of girls, so shy it had me questioning my ability to enjoy there company. That went away as soon as I was well into puberty and I started playing sports and lifting weights. Girls were more then willing to talk to me, and suddenly I knew I was straight because I enjoyed talking with them. The point is I was 14-15 in the mid 90s while gay and lesbian issues were a prominent part of media and TV.
This will probably be fround apon but I have to say I am very happy my 8y old son only suffers from high functioning autism and not the effects of social media causing him to question his existence in relation to society.
Hello, I am the child a parent who utilizes this blog, and I would like to share my experience with all of you.
I am twenty-one. My mother went through my phone and found a discussion with my therapist about my identifying as a different gender at nineteen. At this time, I had been thinking myself as trans for about a year, but I had steadily been questioning myself multiple times a year about my gender ever since late high school.
Let me recount my teenage years to give some background. During middle school I cut off contact with my father. This left me with my mother and grandparents for support, and I was okay with this.
Middle school was hell. I was undiagnosed with autism and could sense the rift between myself and others but had no way of understanding how to bridge it. I knew what I, as a girl in society, was meant to look like but didn’t want to, and so I didn’t. Depression weighed heavily on me, and I hated looking at my body in the mirror.
However, I did what many articles on here said. I decided to embrace life as a nonconforming female. I was, and still am, a raging feminist. I loved “boy” things and flaunted it, ready to snap at a moment’s notice if someone implied I should not due to being a girl. I wore t-shirts and jeans in a bigger size, unknowingly combating sensory issues caused by autism, and was ready at all times to combat criticism. I hated nice clothes for how they looked and felt, and I was ready at all times to fight the expectations I should have filled, dreaming of leading a movement that abolished these clothes. Despite my depression and anxiety in social situations, I took pride in my status as a feminist and a gender nonconforming girl. The only thing I ever said to the contrary was went I got my first period and said I hated being a girl.
The only problems I had with how I looked was my hair, which I could never find a style I liked,and my chest. I have B cups, and I wished they were smaller. I hated brushing up against them, I hated how they looked in any shirt. I just hated them. I assumed I would get used to them, if not come to like them.
Fast forward, and I am sixteen. I still hate my chest. I’m still depressed, but it’s better. I am still gender nonconforming and proud. I come across information on the internet about binders for cosplay, and I want one. I still have no idea what to do with my hair, but the binder helps me with the chest problem…at least until I grow used to it or like them. After all, I figured I would outgrow the feelings. My mother did when she was younger after all. My few friends have too.
However I do conclude that I am asexual, as in I am not sexually attracted to people, but I am romantically. I still identify as this years later.
I come out to my mom, who has told me all my life I could tell her anything. It does not go well. I go to therapy as my depression takes a turn for the worst.
My therapist and I begin to manage my depression and anxiety. I mention wanting a binder, and she does not mention anything about gender. In fact, my therapist never mentioned gender.
I first see the term agender on AVEN my a member of the forum. I google it, discover trans people are a thing, feel a twinge of understanding, and go on with my life.
Let me specify that I never saw one of the websites that say if you’re questioning your gender, you are probably trans. All I saw was the definition of the terms agender, transgender, and non-binary. No pictures, no blogs, just the definition.
I go on with my life for two years, and the term feels more and more like me. I do not become comfortable with my chest. I try everything I can with my therapist to boost confidence.There is no trauma associated with it. I just don’t know, and I graduate high school in the top twelve and go to college. I get a binder.
I don’t know how exactly to express how much I loved my appearance after putting it on. Let me just specify I was depressed. I didn’t smile a lot, but I couldn’t stop smiling when I saw myself with a flat chest. Finally, I had resolved one of the two issued that had plagued me! My depression wasn’t gone, but it helped the most out of anything I have done since middle school.
I still clung to my identity as a nonconforming woman for a few months, but each thing I did to appear more masculine made me indescribably happy, and I begin to identity as trans to myself.
I was diagnosed with autism later. Like many on here, I noticed not only did identifying as non-cis run in those with ASD, but also identifying as asexuals and/or aromantics. This is not to say all people with ASD identify with these labels, just that the occurrence is higher in autistic people than non-autistic. You know what else is? Depression. Anxiety. Being good with computers.
These things do not happen because of autism. They do not directly cause them, they just make the odds higher. Just as a person has higher odds of being left handed if their parents are, a person with ASD has a higher chance of being depressed, good with computers, or identifying as asexual/aromantic/trans This is, of course, my own observations as someone in the community. Much like all of you, it’s hard to find many studies dealing with all these issues. I just know what I see.
My mom goes through my phone at nineteen. I attempt to explain myself to her, as I was planning on coming out to her in the next few months, and at first she’s good about it. Then she finds this website.
Please understand I know it must be hard for her, but my mother has grown more and more bitter about me. She sends me articles for this website that deal with kids, some that I agree with, such as not starting kids on hormones but putting them on hormone repressors. I am an adult. These do not apply to me.
I want to recount to you all finally my experience at a gender therapist. She questioned me extensively about how I felt, what made me feel like I felt, and did not recommend hormones at all during the first few visits. What she did do what diagnose me with dysphoria and outline the pros and cons of every kind of transition: social and medical. Doctors that don’t do this should be stopped.
I will end this with one last thing. I do not know if my mother will read this. I just know it has been two years and the rejection of my mother still hurts me. If I could not transition, I would, but I can’t go back to that depression. I’ve tried. I put on a bra and I conducted myself as always, substituting she for he, and I couldn’t do it. I live everyday knowing that my mother doesn’t love me as much as she did when I was her “little girl” even though the only thing that changed is that I am her “little boy.” Please, please, parents. Just take a middle road. You don’t need to jump right into support, just please don’t jump right into rejection. Have them wait some years to transition, just please…don’t reject. Listen. Talk to parents who do support their trans kids and hear them too. Please.
I only wanted to comment on the fact you said you were diagnosed autistic. It’s clear by reading your post that you are not autistic, you could be in the spectrum and have Aspergers. Though that is in the spectrum of ASD it is not to be confused with those suffering from actual autism. My son is high functioning autistic, he will likely be able to read and write one day but never at the level you have shown. I have spent time with many adults and teanagers suffering from autism, and it’s clear your ability to articulate so well in your post is not that of an autistic person. I know you already have an identity issue but please discribe you Mental Health appropriately.
Shaun White, the ability to write is not an indication of how much someone is disabled by autism. There are non-verbal autistic people who are not able to communicate through verbal speech, but are able to write and communicate that way. Please don’t assume that you can tell if someone is “high functioning” or that their ability to write negates the challenges they may have, or the way that being autistic shapes their lives and how they understand themselves. This is one limitation of the idea of “high-functioning’ and “low-functioning” as labels for folks who are autistic, as someone may struggle in one area, and be more independent in another. It is a huge spectrum.
I was going to give a long drawn out explication of how I can make that assertion. I will just say I have spent 6 years raising an autistic son and in doing so volunteered and promoted awareness of autism. Working with adults and children who can do amazing things and stuggle with the simplest. I had a young lady ask me to look at something one day and I spent five min reading her paper and it occurred to me something was off. That is when a therapist at the school I offed my time to introduced me to her and explained she is autistic. Yes she was capable of generating writen word to express a point of view but she was unable to articulate feelings in writen word. She was generic use of language saying I am sad, this is what made me sad, this would make me not sad. She absolutely did not have the ability to express details of the emotions or experinces. Nor does anyone with high-low functioning autism, that is why Aspergers is commonly used to discribe those with symptoms of autism who can reason and express what they experience in greater detail to be able to function in a social environment. I live with Sevier OCD once diagnosed as ADD but came to find out that was a common miss diagnoses in the 80s. I am now treated for anxiety related OCD and that falls in the spectrum which labels me as having aspergers or autisic like symptoms.
Yeah ended up being long any way sorry.
Thank you, Frog McFrog, for posting your comment. My situation with my daughter isn’t too different, but I won’t pretend to assume our situations are the same, so I can’t speak for your own Mother.
No doubt my own transman child feels rejected by me. Obviously I haven’t managed to accept things, so forgive me but I still use “she” and “her”…it is my way of mentally coping because 18 months later I’m still in shock. I never saw this coming….in my old-fashioned world, living as the other gender was only something a few men-to-women transsexuals did. She “came out” to me as transgender AFTER her 18th birthday. “Coming out” as transgender isn’t the same as “coming out” gay/lesbian/bisexual. Living as the opposite sex is a really big deal. A Mother having to call her daughter her son is really really tough.
Please understand how much there is a gigantic generation gap in this issue. It is HUGE! I am in my 50s, and my transman kid is 19. The psychiatric profession’s embrace of transgender affirmation vs. the not-that-old Gender Identity Disorder model has left us older folks in a daze of disbelief. Only 20 years ago no one could so easily start transitioning. My daughter was easily able to start hormone therapy. This is shocking to me. Absolutely shocking. Her voice has already changed, and there was no attempt to give her any counsel to think things through. None.
Thank you for explaining that you have late-diagnosed ASD. My daughter has agreed to see someone for testing because I think she also may be a female with ASD who passed under the diagnostic radar for years. Have you ever seen a therapist who specializes in ASD for counseling, to learn how it does indeed factor into gender dysphoria? It does play a part. Indeed there are new clinical guidelines recently out related specifically to ASD and gender dysphoria. The “consensus” guidelines are confusing because the experts never really came to much consensus. However, ASD should be acknowledged as a causal factor in gender dysphoria and there should be counsel focused on the ASD.
http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15374416.2016.1228462
I gave birth to a baby girl…she is a girl, she is a she, she should live as a woman in any way she wants. This has made me realize how much of a feminist I am. She doesn’t have to wear certain clothes or wear makeup to be a woman. Being a woman is not about how you dress, it is just biological reality. The new transgender escape out of womanhood is upsetting to me. There are multiple underlying reasons for gender dysphoria, and there can and should be multiple ways of dealing with it…not automatic transitioning for all.
I can’t get myself to call my daughter my son. This isn’t a rejection of her, it is a rejection of the whole idea that one can take a magic wand to not only escape biology, but to get everyone else to make the paradigm shift too. That parents who prefer to help their children accept their bodies and accept their biological reality and avoid the very real medical risks that come with a transsexual choice are being made into bigots is truly disturbing to me.
I wish you and your Mother the very best. I know from my experience how difficult all of this is. She needs your love too, just as much as you crave hers. She does still love you, I’m sure of that.
Nervous Wreck,
I definitely understand if you’re having a hard time. When someone transitions, everyone around them transitions as well, and it can be hard to switch pronouns and how you address them. I agree as well that a trans person coming out is much harder to adapt to than someone who identities as nonheterosexual, and of course the generational gap is not helping!
You mentioned that your child didn’t receive counselling, which is a bit odd since to get a prescription for hormones the trans person much first be diagnosed with gender dysphoria. The therapist is then required to explain all the side-effects of hormones (in this case testosterone), so is it that you are unsatisfied with the amount of time? For the most part, the only huge difference between the old model and now is that a person is not required to have a year of therapy.
I have indeed learned how ASD factors into gender. However, I feel like this does not necessarily mean the feelings of dysphoria can be waved away and the person disregarded as just a confused cis person. After all, ASD is neurological. So is gender. It is simply that those with ASD are more likely to identify as non-cis than those without. I do think that there should be standards of care! But those standards should be geared towards self-understanding, not biological sex.
Your child didn’t chose to be trans. They chose to transition knowing the risks. It’s understandable that you are worried, but ultimately this is their choice. And even if you have doubts, the best way to go about this is to ask what precautions they have taken. Work with your kid. Don’t mention studies. Keep to the reality of hormones/surgery/whatever step they are taking. You may both be able to come to understand better.
“Your child didn’t chose to be trans… It’s understandable that you are worried, but ultimately this is their choice. HUH?!?! Either it is a choice or it isn’t. You can’t have it both ways!
Also, as a scientist, I can assure you that there is not one iota of evidence that identifying as trans is neurological! No, it is socially influenced! You falsely think that biological sex is a choice. Make peace with the fact that it isn’t. We don’t get to choose everything. That’s life. Make peace with it. You will never run fast enough or far enough to escape reality.
So Frog, I’m confused — you’ve objected to “studies” a few times (as in, “don’t give me studies”) but also said “keep to the reality of hormones etc.” If someone’s not interested in looking at “studies” (what few there ARE, regarding long-term use of T in xx bodies) how on earth are they going to “keep to the reality?” The only “reality,” absent actual scientific analysis/reports, is completely anecdotal. I’ve looked at the gender clinic consent forms for testosterone and … I gotta tell you, IMO they are in no way a sufficient education regarding the potential long-term effects of the administration of T in an xx body. If I didn’t give my kid some actual science to look at about the physical effects (not the desired ones, the kid knows all about the appearance ones) — who the heck is going to tell them?
In my city you can get hormones after a 20 minute appointment, provided your bloodwork checks out. There is NO therapy requirement. Zero. There is almost no discussion. There is the bloodwork, and the release form. If you think there is very little difference between that and the formerly required “year of therapy” … surely you’re joking. You really think someone a patient has never met can do an adequate job explaining this in under half an hour? You think a patient who really wants hormones is even going to be forthcoming with a clinician who’s a stranger, in that situation, if they think honesty about their physical or mental health history could get in the way of the goal?
If I didn’t give my kid studies to look at I couldn’t live with myself as a parent. What they choose to do with the info is beyond my control but … yeah. Don’t assume everybody who chooses to transition actually does understand the risks. Your definition of “work with your kid” sounds to me like: Learn to agree with your kid. For some of us? I think that is not going to happen, just as our kids are not going to agree with US. Hopefully we can all figure out how to stay in relationships under those conditions.
lovetruthcourage
-You literally ellipsis the part that said TRANSITIONING is a choice. That is the choice I was referring to. Sorry if it wasn’t clear, although considering you are a scientist (what kind? Geology? Chemistry?) I would think you would understand that. Also, if you’re gonna say that being trans is purely socially influenced and therefore should be disregarded, money is also a social construct. PEOPLE are the ones that decided the sex binary. Science isn’t some institution free of social bias. To disregard gender as social and sex as the pure form of a person is misunderstanding the influence of people on everything.
Puzzled
-I’m a little puzzled too. I never said “don’t give me studies.” Maybe I’m missing it and you could find the whole sentence?
The effects of hormones on a body should be looked at. I’m not saying it shouldn’t. More studies should be done on trans health in general for everyone to understand it better.
Here’s the thing. You can say it only takes 20 minutes, but that is NOT the standards places actually certified (like PERSAD) do. There is a difference between a clinic and a gender therapist! A clinic has no therapy bases because they assume you go to one.
And yes, I do think someone can explain themselves and their discomfort in under an hour. Trans people don’t just wake up one day and decide to do something. They analyze their feelings (which can take a lot of time!) and then go. I can explain my depression in under 30 minutes because I’ve thought about it. I can explain my dysphoria the same way.
Frog, you are really reaching. XX and XY are NOT social construct or subject to human bias. Sexes are facts independent of human constructs. They are testable, material facts about reality. Comparing biological sex (material reality) to money (social construct) is a categorical fallacy. The idea that people can have a gender independent of sex is gibberish. You are obviously very young, and like most young people, you think you have life figured out. Someday you will look back with embarrassment, and realize you didn’t know as much as you once thought you did.
Did you even try to understand where your Mother is coming from and why she feels the way she does or do you just automatically go on the defensive when she tries to talk to you about it? My daughter doesn’t want to hear anything I have to say on the subject and I don’t think I will ever be convinced of all of this nor will she ever cease. She seems to have twisted some memories to fit in with being transgender and that drives me insane. I don’t see it and neither does anyone else in the family. If I were the only one questioning this then I would definitely say it’s just my problem but it isn’t. Her grandmother cries herself to sleep some nights just thinking about it all and what it means for her future and her life. Her grandfather also has shed some tears and refuses to even discuss it. It has affected the entire family and sometimes I think she is so focused on her and her feelings she forgets about the rest of us. She too has aspergers and I guess that contributes to her not caring about how the rest of us feel about it. We were all totally blindsided by the situation and it has devastated us. Our family will never be the same. Apparently it has affected me more than I even realized. My 15 year old daughter told me recently that she feels that I look at her differently and compare her to her older sister. They are very close and she emulates her and looks up to her. Maybe I do it without even realizing it. It made me feel terrible to know she feels that way.
If someone had told me I wouldn’t support one of my children in everything and anything in their life I would have laughed at them. This is a whole different ballgame. A person can NOT change their sex to match their gender. It is scientifically impossible. Your chromosomes will never change. End of story. I think a person with gender dysphoria should be treated by a therapist who can help them deal with their bodies the way they are. It may take years or even a lifetime but I think this is the best course. The dysphoria doesn’t go away with surgeries. Studies have shown it.
While your Mother may not support your choice to be transgender, I’m sure she still loves you and always will no matter what. My love for my daughter hasn’t died and it never will but our relationship will probably never be the same. It turns out I never truly knew my child and I probably never will. It makes me very sad. I have literally had to shut down my feelings and emotions just to get through or I would be an emotional mess. I feel bad I can’t support her in this and I truly have tried for her sake. I worry endlessly about her. Will she be able to find a job? Will she possibly be assaulted? What affect will my nonacceptance have on her mental health? I think the meds she is on has helped stabilize her depression but it still scares me. I don’t want her to feel that I don’t love her because I do. That will never change.
I’m pretty sure your Mother will see or has seen your post. I think maybe you may want to try to understand more of why your Mom feels the way she does. You have to be who you want to be. You are an adult. Just don’t forget how it all affects your family and that they all love you very much.
Rette,
I have considered where my mom has coming from. I have read every article she has sent me no matter how badly it affected my mental state. I have read articles she hasn’t sent me to try to understand. I understand where, but I know each article is not about me. They are not how I feel.
You say that your kid twisted their memories, but is it possible that you just weren’t aware? Observers on the outside know less about the mental space someone was in. I’m not saying that your kid is completely accurately recalling everything, but you most likely aren’t the best judge of their mental space at those times. Nothing against you personally! Just that it can be hard to completely understand someone else. Also people with ASD don’t always display their emotions outwardly, so you may have misread them.
If the family is having a hard time, then maybe they need to distance themselves. Forcing together can make it worse, so time distant may make it better. The point is your kid can’t just stop being who they are, and it hurting others isn’t going to make them stop. If anything, it makes it worse because they can’t just turn off who they are.
Your child isn’t changing their sex though. They are changing their gender presentation and parts of their body to match it. If they go to a therapist and the therapist determines that surgery can help, why isn’t that a valid action?
Here’s the thing about the studies: do they take into account there is more than just physical characteristics? After all surgery doesn’t help much if socially they are still receiving poor treatment. This is a multifaceted problem.
I doesn’t matter if my mom still loves me. I know she does. What hurts worse is that she loves me but not enough to attempt to understand ME. Instead she’s on here looking for studies to sway me. Maybe she should be looking for parents who have a trans child and support them and talking to them? Wouldn’t that be more beneficial, even for you since you said your kid most likely won’t change. If they won’t change, that leaves you.
So let me get this straight. I’m supposed to change because my child refuses to? I’m supposed to just give up my beliefs that her dysphoria should be treated instead of her turning to surgery to alter her body? That isn’t going to happen. I’ve done extensive research on both sides of the argument and have talked to my own therapist about the whole situation. My therapist believes the dysphoria should be treated. Does that make her a bad therapist in your eyes? I guess it probably would since she doesn’t see things your way. I love my child. End of story. That will never change. I don’t have to agree with what she is doing though and I don’t have to like it in order to still be a loving Mother.
Sorry, but trying to get the world to dance to your tune won’t work. Most people will never see you as anything other than a member of the sex you were born into, even if they are too polite to say it to your face. You can badly impersonate the opposite sex by mimicking sex role stereotypes, but that’s all you’ve got. Maybe stop this gender nonsense and focus on real self improvement through academic and career achievement. Too much privilege is a dangerous thing, and all this privileged naval gazing will never translate to real world achievement.
Frog McFrog – One thing that frustrates me is the way people don’t want to listen to family members and their perspectives.
So I have a question for you – is it possible that the parents are remembering correctly and the teen is not?
Frog McFrog – I’m glad to hear you’re reading articles and thinking about them.
I can’t speak for your mom, but many of us here have spoken to parents of transgender teens who are going along with transition. Many of us have been to a PFLAG meeting and heard why we should do this.
One thing I can tell you is that even most parents who end up supporting transition are questioning and concerned about whether or not it is the right thing to do.
I don’t know what the right thing to do is for you. What I do know is that there are some troubling social trends:
1) More teens are identifying as transgender and wanting to transition physically than ever before. The increase is more than one order of magnitude.
2) There is a possibility that we are seeing social contagion. Some of us have observed clusters of kids who identify as transgender. Also, the increase took off as Internet usage went up. Finally, some therapists did a study where they found some of the girls who wanted to transition were socially isolated and bullied for non-gender issues.
3) For many people it is easier than ever to get prescriptions for hormones, sometimes with no therapy.
4) There are, not surprisingly, a lot of people detransitioning now.
5) Information that is critical of what is happening is often censored on the Internet or even at a recent professionals’ conference.
So it makes sense for us and your mother and anyone else with a transgender family member to be concerned. In our current world, a responsible parent needs to find out if their kid got good therapy. They need to make sure the kid is really getting informed consent because few people are.
I agree with everything said by BornSkeptical and I just want to urge you to try and find peace with your Mother. I can say for myself that it is very painful to know that my child feels rejected by me because while I am willing to provide a binder and use male pronouns, I am opposed to medical transition and very skeptical about the conclusion she has drawn from her dysphoria. I think the dysphoria is very real, but I am unconvinced that it means that she is thus intrinsically a male person and must be perceived as such because the evidence for that is weak at best. This does not diminish my love in any way and I have said here before that if in the end her male identity was expressed in her existing body then I would be at peace because she would not be embarking on a lifelong battle with her body which in the end cannot be made male. In addition, if she opts for medical transition as an adult I will respect that choice and express my love unconditionally as ever. Moreover, if there was some compelling biological evidence that dysphoric people are in fact different from others that would ease my skepticism. It is hard to have these conversations when the issues seem so central to your existence, but for many of us gender just isn’t that important to how we see our children and thus it may be that your Mother sees you as she always has — as a beloved child, full stop.
losingsleep
I am glad you provide a binder and use male pronouns! I understand if you are skeptical of medical transition. I assume that your son is underage, and so I urge you to let him socially transition and let him make the choice when he is an adult. If gender isn’t that important, then he should make his own choice. By extension, shouldn’t his sex not be important either? He is still your beloved child.
If gender isn’t that important, then there is no need to make a choice. By extension, sex is not important either, so she can accept hers.
There! I fixed it for you, Frog. See how logic works?
Hi Frog. Hang in there. Not a lot to add to the parents’ comments elsewhere here … only that I’d challenge you to reconsider how you are defining “supportive” and “unsupportive.” If your mom isn’t deliberately denigrating/insulting, if she is still reaching out, if she is expressing love, if she is paying ANY of your living expenses despite her very obvious disagreement with you — these things are support. Many transfolk appear to define “support” solely as “agree with me and validate my view of the world” and, adult to adult, I’d say to you that this is not something you can demand of any other adult. Not even your parents. I know that’s hard to wrap your mind around, but it’s the fact. “I love you” can (and often does) coexist with “I disagree with your choices.” If your terms for the relationship are “you have to validate my choices” then … the relationship might not be sustainable. If she’s meeting you as far as she can, that might be as good as it can get. At least for now.
Your mom might be longing for her lost “little girl” or … she might be upset because you’re making choices that she thinks are going to be harmful to you in the long run. You’re an adult, as you said, so you’re allowed to make those choices and to strongly disagree with her point of view. Only time will tell whether her fears were well founded or not, in your particular case. But the fears are based on valid facts about the medical effects of transition, as well as the very mixed results from a psychological standpoint.
You may never get her to agree that you’re a man. You may never get her to use the pronouns you want or the name you pick. You might end up having to hear her just call you ‘honey’ or ‘sweetie’ or ‘my kid’ or neutral terms like that. This might be the price of continuing to have a relationship where there’s hurt going down on both sides. Maybe it’s going to take a long time for the closeness you’re looking for to rematerialize. Maybe you can find some common ground and joy around some non-gender-related subjects/activities. I hope you guys find some measure of equilibrium in the long run.
Frog McFrog, you might want to read up on the connection between trauma, abuse, and dissociation from your body.
We are seeing women detransition now and some of them were trauma survivors. Transition did not help them in the long run.
Some of them criticize therapists for not explaining this possibility to them.
https://youthtranscriticalprofessionals.org/2016/05/21/what-i-needed-an-open-letter-to-therapists-from-a-detransitioner/
Good point about the link between trauma, disassociation, and trans identities. Transitioning is a poor coping strategy for abuse victims. It is unprofessional and unethical for therapists and doctors to refrain from discussing this. They should automatically lose their licenses for not exploring this.
Hello there Frog,
I have to run to work shortly, but I wanted to touch up to answer a couple of things in your post before I do. First, I am sad that you feel you need to reach out to your mom in this way, although glad at least in one sense that you are trying to keep the lines of communication open.
One thing that popped out at me from your comment is that, you seem to feel that your mom was perfectly fine with your planned course of action before she “found this website.” Actually, sweetie, the reason your mom’s attitude has changed is because she learned, through this website, that you are hurting your body. She loves you and doesn’t want you to hurt your body. I know that you feel that you will always, always, always feel the exact same way you do right now. Your mom was even 21 herself once! And she knows that! But what she also knows is that, actually, you won’t. I’ll bet dollars to doughnuts that at your age, she probably wasn’t interested in having children herself, and guess what? Good thing she changed her mind!
Second, and this is a really hard thing to take on-board, it might be good to consider the idea that people’s minds can tell them things that aren’t true. Just because you think it, doesn’t mean it “is.” People have thoughts all the time about themselves, and about the world around them, that aren’t correct, and that certainly don’t serve them, and that should not be acted upon. This has happened to me and it’s probably happened to everyone… just as an example, there is a point in many women’s menstrual cycles when they become very depressed, on a regular basis. It doesn’t mean that anything about life changed or that they have to take some action based on that depression, it just means that for that time, there are some chemical interactions taking place that lead to bad feelings. And those feelings will pass.
Right now, your thoughts are telling you something that is incorrect, that there is something wrong with your body when there isn’t; that you are a man when in fact you are a woman. What your mom realizes, having raised you from birth, is that you are not a man, and no matter how hard you try, and how much money you spend, and how thoroughly you ruin your health, you never will be. She wants to save you from a life of pain and grief, spent chasing an incorrect thought.
To close, one thing that really strikes me about trans people is that they seem to “need” other people to believe in them as the opposite sex, to call them the right thing, and to acquiesce that they are the opposite sex even when they clearly aren’t. In other words, happiness depends on getting other people to go along and buy in to their incorrect ideas about themselves. This is going to be a really hard way to go through life. You can’t control what other people do or believe. Your mom is just going to be the first in a long, long line of people who will have to believe what you want them to, in order for you to be happy. I don’t think she wants you to spend your life that way, and neither do I!
This is beautifully written. Thank you. I’ve had the exact same thoughts about our brains telling us lies ….. A tried and true brain strategy to control our minds? “If you just do this …… you will be happy.” Try Daniel Gilbert’s “Stumbling on Happiness” to see just how bad we are at figuring out what will make us happy.
worriedmom
I hope you had a good time at work and it wasn’t too stressful!
Actually, sweetie, my mother found articles to support her feelings and ceased any attempt to find outside information. I know for a fact that a person changes each day, but I got the same speech when I came out as asexual years ago and still feel the same. Also having a child is a life-changing decision my mother made that had potential health risks and changed her life, which is the same thing I’m doing. She found the decision to be worth it, so I mean maybe I should follow her logic.
You say she is trying to save me from a life of pain and grief, but I mean I’m depressed already. I’m gonna be in pain and suffer greatly anyway, but this path has been helping me so far. Just because you feel this will harm me doesn’t mean it “is” either.
To close, the thing that really strikes me about cis people is that they seem to “need” other people to fit in their boxes of what a man and woman are even when they clearly aren’t. I know I can’t control what people think. The only difference is that this is my mother. I don’ t care about others, but my mom? I still want a relationship with her. That’s the difference.
I laughed when you compared dangerous drugs and SRS to childbirth. While childbirth does carry serious risks, it is nowhere near as dangerous as transgender drugs and surgeries.
Then I really howled in laughter when you said that cis people need to fit others in neat little boxes. Actually, that is what trannies do! Instead of being any kind of man or woman they want to be, trans seeks to project an illusion consistent with sex role stereotypes of the opposite sex! That is NOT progress! It is trading in one set of stereotypes for another. A woman can enjoy stereotypical male pursuits and vice versa. There is no point in faking being that which you are not! Be proud of who and what you are— the real deal— not the person in your hyper-privileged, fantasy world. You can really be all that — and a woman too!
Hi Frog,
You’re not my daughter, but in many respects you could be. And it broke my heart when you said that you know your mother doesn’t love you as much as she did when you were her “little girl.” Of course, I don’t know your situation, but I can say with great confidence that your mother doesn’t love you any less because you are trans-identifying.
That doesn’t mean, of course, that there isn’t a rift now between you. There is more tension in the relationship now. There is more conflict. And that stems from two things: your belief that you are innately male and her belief that you are not – and that identifying as trans will limit your future life in ways that you cannot fully appreciate right now.
And there’s something else, too. When I became a mom, I was so incredibly grateful that my child was healthy. The idea that my child now wants to make permanent changes to her healthy body breaks my heart. And I’ll bet your mom feels the same way about you.
I don’t believe that my natal female child is innately male. For that matter, I don’t believe she’s innately female. I think we’re all just human. Most biological females tend to have more typically feminine characteristics, and most biological males tend to have more typically masculine characteristics. But I believe we’re all a mixture of both. And I think the science backs me up here. https://www.newscientist.com/article/dn28582-scans-prove-theres-no-such-thing-as-a-male-or-female-brain/
But I do know that dysphoria is real, and I know that it’s debilitating for some. I believe I experienced it briefly in the early stages of puberty. And it sounds like your mom may have experienced it, too. But your mom and I grew out of it. I think there may be two reasons you haven’t grown out of it.
First, you say that you are asexual. I think one of the things that helped me make peace with my body was recognizing that it helped me get the attention of boys, to whom I was very much attracted very early in my life. If you don’t share that same attraction, you are missing a key reason for appreciating your secondary sex characteristics.
But the second and, I believe, more important reason that I outgrew my dysphoria and you haven’t (and my daughter hasn’t) is that transitioning was never an option for me. Even if you were not immersing yourself in trans information in your early teens as my child has done, you were certainly aware that transgender was a thing by the time you reached your later high school years. I believe that believing there is an “out” may be all it takes to keep a person from finding ways to be comfortable in their bodies.
And please don’t see this as criticism of you. I believe there are tens of thousands of women on this planet who might today be living as transmen (or detransitioned transmen) if transitioning had been an option when they were young. There are so many reasons a person might want to escape identifying as a girl or a woman.
And, Frog, I do believe that there may be a few individuals who can achieve relief from their dysphoria only by transitioning—at least temporarily. But I also believe that the number of these individuals is vanishingly rare. You may be one of these individuals, but it’s awfully unlikely, and it’s too early to tell. Your mom has probably already told you this, but the human brain doesn’t reach maturity until the mid-20s. You’ve still got a ways to go. A lot can happen between now and then if you’re open to the many possibilities. I am certainly grateful that some of the decisions I made in my early 20s (hell, in my 20s and 30s!) did not have permanent, lifelong consequences.
You said that you have already tried to make peace with your body, and I believe you. But it can be really hard to achieve success in isolation. Have you checked out this website? http://redressalert.tumblr.com/ There’s a whole community of women who are working to reconnect with themselves as females. You might be able to find something useful here.
Anyway, I hope that what I’ve said to you here hasn’t made you angry or sad. I wish you happiness. And for your relationship with your mom, I wonder if you two could try to set aside all the gender things for the time being and just enjoy spending some time together focused on something completely unrelated. Your mom needs you, and you need your mom. In fact, it sounds like you love your mom very much or you would not have written this post.
I wish you the very best.
Such a moving and considered response. Thank you
Hi, Frog.
I’m not a religious person, but still I pray you take to heart the thoughtful, genuine responses you’re getting from parents who are in similar situations as your own mother. I wish I could write something so articulate and insightful; I’m thankful others are stating so well the thoughts in my own mind. Please read each comment carefully several times, and know that all of us are reading your comment over and over again, while carefully considering and reconsidering your thoughts.
The parents here are not bigots, not closed minded. We are an intelligent, forward-thinking group and we have spent several years now studying the current transgender phenomenon. We have learned many concerning facts which doctors, activists and transgender online communities are either ignoring or deliberately covering up, and that is how harmful medical transition can be, both physically and mentally — mental health problems remain and even worsen after transition, and transition itself piles dangerous physical problems on top of the mental issues. The happy, “supportive” trans parents portrayed in the media do not know what we know. If they did, they would not allow their children to transition; they would not be happy about their adult children transitioning.
Many detransitioners say that transitioning actually made their dysphoria worse, as they were constantly on edge about whether or not they were passing; many were not happy with the outcomes of their body modifications. They became even more focused on their bodies and physical presentation, and whether or not their body’s appearance was “good enough,” masculine enough, etc. Many also reported increased mental stress due to, basically, living a lie (I hate to put it that way to you, but that’s how those detransitioners describe it) and constantly worrying that people were going along with their male persona, using the correct pronouns, etc., simply to be polite and nonconfrontational (which many people do).
Going through a similar situation with my own daughter has been the most painful, difficult thing I’ve had to endure so far in my life. My daughter probably feels unloved and rejected by me due to what she calls my “transphobia.” What she will not or cannot understand is that I love her even more now that she is “out.” I think if she was the typical hetero girl going about a typical high school life, blending into the scenery, she probably would be on my mind much less. But as my daughter claims to be trans, every single moment of every day my heart swells with an overwhelming love and an intense desire to protect her from harming her body and mind.
I am in no way rejecting my daughter, but I do reject her false belief that she is a boy. She is female and that is simply reality. It is not transphobia. She is not male, nor can she become male — this is simple reality. While I am proud that she rejects the stereotypical trappings our culture currently associates with femininity, I am deeply troubled that my very intelligent daughter believes the obviously incorrect notion that she is male, or can become male. I am deeply troubled that she is willing to destroy her physical and mental health chasing this falsehood. I am deeply troubled that she is being enabled in this lie, which will destroy her body and mental health, by professionals including teachers, therapists, doctors, and school counselors, as well as the thousands of online “friends” who have never even met her. Transgenderism is basically preying on idealistic young people, so many of whom are on the autism spectrum, making them especially naïve and vulnerable.
Your mother loves you more than you will ever know, probably even more than ever. Although it would be a tragic situation indeed, a possible scenario is that she is dealing with this the best she can, and cannot manage seeing you hurting yourself. This could be why she is staying away — it’s not that she is rejecting you, but perhaps she’s trying to avoid watching you hurt yourself, as I can tell you, it is an incredibly, indescribably painful experience for parents. However your relationship with her is going at any point in time, good or bad, know that she loves you more than anything.
Thank you for expressing my own concern and love for my child. A beautiful response
I’m doubtful McFrog is actually a child of someone who posts here. This person seems to protest too much and sure is trying to play angles.
Also, while I appreciate my fellow mothers and their tireless patience and forbearance, I’m well past my own ability to care about every oppositional poster who comes by. I’ve got my own KID to cope with and it’s been a long and tiresome road made all the more difficult by people like McFrog, with the insistence that we’re all wrong and just let the kids have their way with hormones and surgery and pronouns and whatever else they demand.
Actually she is a child of someone on this website. She’s mine. You can talk to her until you are blue in the face and she isn’t going to change her stance. This used to be a place I could come and feel like I wasn’t alone and vent my frustration about the whole mess. She has encroached on that and I kind of feel like I lost my “safe haven.” Does that make sense?
Sorry, Rette. My apologies.
Thank you.
Oh, Rette, I’m so sorry. The moms and dads here can really identify with what you are going through and I hope you know that, although we judge like heck when it comes to the trans-activist crew and what they want to do to our kids, we NEVER judge our fellow parents. We may disagree on some points or specifics, but at heart we believe and know that we have a stake in these kids that surpasses every other actor in their lives.
Your daughter is obviously going through a really tough phase right now. It is a self-destructive phase that’s being enabled by everyone else around her besides you. That’s incredibly frustrating and unfair. There is only one person involved with her life (you) who literally has skin in this game, but for whatever reason, your daughter, and my daughter, have decided it’s a power struggle instead.
I swear, I’m coming to feel like a lot of these activists are literally looking for scalps. Like, the more kids and teens they can convince to be trans, the more valid and popular their cause starts to look. There’s just no glory (not to mention money or attention) in helping kids feel fine just the way they are. What a shame, and what a backlash is on the way…
Thanks for expressing your sentiments so beautifully. I agree that trans seems more like a teen-parent power struggle than a real identity. I just wish the stakes weren’t so high, with the real dangers of drugs and surgeries. We are in uncharted territory, since trans is, indeed, a new, indulgent phenomenon and not something timeless like homosexuality. I wish our youth didn’t hate themselves so much.
I just want to express my sympathy and say I do understand, because I would not really want my daughter here either not least of all because she would get so mad about the pronouns. But if it’s any consolation, the fact that your child cares enough to try and engage here is something. My daughter, who is only 14, is too fragile to even have these conversations with and she would not be able to read, let alone respond to, more than one of these posts most likely. I know it’s cold comfort when medical interventions with irreversible consequences are on the table, but it seems like something. And I cannot echo lovetruthcourage enough on asking why our youth hate themselves so much. That is at the core of my daughter’s mental illness and it’s hard not to feel that I am to blame.
You deserve a safe space. We lost our daughter and had no input to her decisions. She had no gender dysphoria when she was young. She was beautiful. She then became hooked on the dark-side of the internet and we lost her, completely lost her. She went to college and decided to join the trans revolution after first going through a queer phase. She is mentally ill. That did not stop her from being taken seriously in the gender clinics. It is sickening. She is gone and we don’t know if we will ever have contact with her again.
Oh, @greatergoodtruth, that is almost exactly what happened with our daughter 😭💔 Our baby girl was molested/raped when she was 9 and 10 years old … I believe that is what made her begin to have confusion over her sexuality.
She went through years of declaring herself a lesbian … She moved to Kentucky (from New Mexico where she was born and we still live) 3 years ago. She’s been taking Testosterone shots for over a year and a half now, and is talking about having top surgery…..
I’ll be praying for your daughter, as well as you. I’ve never had such extreme pain…. If you’d like to email me, here’s my email address … susienicholson33@gmail.com ….. Hugs to you.
I totally understand how you feel. I found out my daughter’s freshman year of college, she is now a sophomore. None of the pieces fit together as to how she got to where she is today. She says she just hid it well from me. I don’t think so. Not one of us saw this coming. The only good thing is that I told her she is not allowed to start taking testosterone or have any surgeries ;until she is out of my house because her sisters don’t need to see it and she has agreed to it. I pray every night (I am not an overly religious person) that she will accept that she is female but God hasn’t answered my prayers. She has aspergers and severe depression so she too isn’t mentally stable. Seems to be a common thread from what I’ve read. It’s sad that this has happened to our children and we are helpless to do anything because they are adults (she just turned 20 in February). I’ve sent her articles and such on the subject to no avail. In my opinion she is ruining her life but my hands are tied.
Katie, I think you’re right. All we’re doing now is giving Frog more to rebel against. No matter what logical arguments we make, or how much love and concern we show, the rejoinder is always, at this point, going to be “la la la I can’t hear you” and she will be hardened further into what she wants to do. If we counseled Frog against cutting off her big toes, she’d make an appointment to have it done, I think.
So I agree, we should be finished with this person now. Which is not to say, we won’t be here in however many years it takes before Frog (being, still a very young person) (although also a nastier one than I’d originally surmised) realizes that this was all a giant mistake, and that a lot of the harm done can’t be un-done. But there are people out there who just won’t be denied, and Frog seems to be one of them.
I don’t know if Frog is a bit nasty but … I do think Frog is YOUNG, you know? This comes across. Definitely the “don’t confuse me with research” theme is strong, and the “I wish my mom didn’t hang out with those bitter people at 4thwave” and “if you people would just hang out with ‘supportive’ parents you’d learn to agree with me and all would be well.” Also “you say transition will hurt me but I say it won’t.”
You can’t really “logic” those ideas away, so … impasse.
The idea “I’m going to be in pain and depressed no matter what” — that theme is SO strong in transworld, you know? The idea that there is any potential alleviation for the pain/depression other than chemical/surgical transition is dismissed. I know the pain is real, especially if a person has dysphoria, but there seems to be a streak of romantic identification with oppression as well. Thus the contention that “you cis people can’t understand.”
To be fair, it’s pretty hard to argue for any OTHER means of relief when the entire sociopolitical conversation (and, increasingly, legal climate) has been co-opted by people who are super-invested in preaching chemistry/surgery as a fix for the vast majority of people who are sex-role noncompliant. (Unless of course the noncompliant ones want to label themselves trans without physical measures whatsovever. But if it’s “not a choice” and you HAVE to do it or die, then how can you not do it and still stay alive? The mind boggles, but I digress.)
Often I think the conflict isn’t so much a result of conflicting notions about patriarchy, or politics, or psych issues, or whatever. I think it’s a result of differences in maturity and life experience and the ability to have a long-term perspective. Que sera, sera, twas ever thus between parent and child. It’s only that — the consequences for this particular type of young-person rebellion are not so easy to walk back if desired. Makes me long for the days of goth.
I agree, no amount of logic works on the emotional level. I am sorry that Frog is in pain; I just disagree with her proposed solution. She doesn’t understand the long term consequences. Perhaps this is something she must figure out for herself. I just hope she doesn’t destroy her life in the process.
Wow … I’ve gone through several “stages” of things I’ve read on this site. None of them are easy, or feel the least bit “okay” or “normal” either. My daughter was molested/raped by a ‘friend of the family’ when she was 9 and 10 years old. She came out as a lesbian in her mid-teens. She moved all the way across the country when she was 18 years old. At 20, she began taking Testosterone shots. She is now 22, growing hair on her face and her voice is deepening. Just this last Saturday, she sent me a text message to let me know that she was starting the process of having “top surgery”. As her Mama, I am totally devastated with ALL of this. I’ve searched online for support groups that are geared toward the parents that are having to “try” and deal with these kinds of decisions that their child makes – haven’t found any, until tonight. Right after my daughter’s 22nd birthday after the first of the year, I decided to write a blog. I’ll leave the link to it right here if that’s okay with y’all.
Ya know, one thing I’ve learned through this time is that what Mama thinks about the whole transgendering idea just doesn’t matter … that we could never understand … or better yet – that we just have to “adjust” to the fact that the baby we carried inside of our own body for 9 months and nurtured/loved for years. Excuse me, but I can’t simply change the sex of my little baby girl like one changes the radio …. Here’s the link to my blog if any of y’all are interested.
https://mythoughtsforme.wordpress.com/2017/01/02/10-things-parents-of-transgender-people-need-to-know/
Yet another lost child. Shame on the enablers and affirmers!
I can see most of you have decided I will not change and neither will you. I guess we will agree to disagree, and I’ll come back if I ever do realize “the error of my ways” and let you know you were right.
That would be lovely, Frog! We would welcome you back with open arms. I hope irreparable damage to your body and psyche won’t be a done deal by then. Go give your mom a hug. She loves you and wants to help you avoid self-harm.
You have pretty much already told me you won’t be changing your mind so their assessment unfortunately is correct.
Reblogged this on My Thoughts – for me and you and commented:
Wow … Here’s something that can be an uplifting thing to parents who are trying to “deal” with their teenager about being transgender. My prayer is that it will be helpful to the parents who can use this lady’s experience in their own lives <3
Thanks for your frank and honest comments. This feels like a living hell, every time my daughter brings up her sexuality another piece of my soul gets ripped out. I am trying to be sympathetic and understanding but honestly it’s tearing me apart. I have looked up some of the councillors and I cannot help thinking that they will be biased. At 14 I think my daughter is too young and inexperienced to make a decision about her sexuality. Going to take a deep breath and read this all in full with everyone’s comments later.
Do NOT give up!! It is an Evil concept perpetuated by the internet and all of the ideas that fuel the attitude that, ” If it feels good then do it!” I WILL NOT subscribe and have been very, very clear to my now 14 year old daughter that GOD does not make mistakes. He did not make a mistake when he made HER (not him). I am leading her by His word and I trust and have faith He will heal her false perception about herself. I will not give up on His word and I will NOT subscribe to anyone that sees His works less than perfect….including my very own daughter. Peace Be With You and stay strong and true to God.
Ann, hold tight to that. You know who is on your side with you.
If you could email me, I’d like to discuss a possibility that people haps there are at least “two or three” to come together and ask in His name….
How can I contact you to leave my email?
I’m not sure!!! I’ll investigate…
Please do!!!
I have been looking for you all for so long. My daughter has similar issues. She states she is pansexual. That she is going to love whom ever she will love no matter who they are or what they look like and especially no matter what their sexual preference is. Fine.
If she falls in love with someone and they love her back wonderful. I think the issues that I have with it are that she is trying really hard to support something she believes in but isnt necessarily an actual member. I have to absolutely agree that the media and society have opened doors of tolerance where there should be some. I also truly believe in Newtons third law of motion: The third law states that for every action (force) in nature there is an equal and opposite reaction.
We make things more tolerable for sexual genders in our society and we have to realize that there is a equal and opposite reaction that will take place. Our children are the ones being effected by this. Mine included. No I do not think my child is a Lesbian. No I do not think she is a boy trapped in a girls body. I think she is trying to figure out just who she is. She wants to stand apart from the friends she makes, to the clothes she wears, her super short haircut, and the endless amount of cosplay outfits and wigs that she wears (all boy characters).
She has severe depression and sees a psychiatrist. Which I am not so sure isnt a bandwagon itself. I know it didnt have medicine to get me through the teen years, but i didnt face alot ofnwht our kids do today.
I make it very clear to my daughter exactly how and where I stand on sexual gender issues. I have explained to my child that I will always love HER but I don’t have to agree with her. That’s what adults do. We dont have to like or agree with everything our neighbor says or does, but we do have to be kind. Since she is 17 and almost a legal adult I think that she is old enough to take responsibility for her ideals and decisions and the reaction that those may cause from others.
We are a blended family of three years with 6 kids. It’s not hard to understand why she chose to want to stand out. She has never wanted to be the same as everyone else ever since she was a little girl. Always wanting wild hair colors and clothes. Some days I have a hard time keeping up with which bandwagon she is on now. The latest has been needing one on one time with just me and her. On really stressful dystrophy I think: Are you serious?
I just graduated from RN school and work long hours to help support our family. My husband is finishing up his degree and is working two jobs. Throw in four kids at home and all their activities plus taking time to reach out to the older kids away at college. What time is available?
I know there is an out cry from some of you to make time for her!!! I do spend time with all of our children. My husband and I make sure no one is left out. The only problem is there isn’t always enough to go around spreading individual time to each child and give time to our marriage as well. At some point it will be just us with out kids.
So I try to make as may opportunities as I can. Alone in the car with my daughter where we can talk, or when everyone else is away for other activities. It is not a perfect situation to have one on one, but she is not the only child that is demanding this. My opinion is that teenagers are very needy, self centered beasts that can explode at any moment or be the kindest person ever making you wonder what the catch is. They are also like snow flakes. No two are just alike.
Why did I bring this up? I think these needs and feels she has to stand out and apart . This stems from the same place in her thinking of what society says we need to do for our children these days. Be more tolerant. Set aside time for mother/ child or father/child time. Our children do feel entitled to everything society says that we “should” be giving them. It’s Bullshit. I feel like I have been told in order too be a good parent I have to support everything going my kid wants to be or do.
I say there are no cookie cutter kids or parents. We are all just trying to do the best we can to raise these kids with out screwing them up too much. We have to have boundaries to what we can actually do for our kids without fear that if we don’t they will still love us. I don’t have to like that my child spouts about being pansexual or gets offended with every comment that is made derogatory towards the issue by ANYONE.
I have rights and boundaries too. It does not make me a bad parent to tell my almost adult child that I don’t agree with her and the choices she is making right now, but I don’t shun her either. I don’t make fun of her, but I do ask that she respect my limits of acceptance on certain issues because I have feelings nd thoughts and beliefs as well. I treat her with the same respect I want to receive. We dont always agree, but she is my child and I love her.
Sorry if I got on my soapbox. It feels good to share my thoughts with others facing the same issues.
I just am so happy that there are other parents facing the same issues that I am. I know how wrong that sounds. Like: yay you have the same problems and obstacles that i do. It really feels like you are alone in this some days. I am so glad I found this site.
Welcome! Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you so much. We’ve had 19 months of hell since tumble and instagra helped our child into dysphoria, cutting with blades broken out of stolen pencil sharpeners, anorexia, suicide threats and constant invasion from well-meaning but inexperienced ‘therapists’. I don’t actually care what my child’s gender is now, I just want her happy. And none of it has made her happy. Thank you for your post and blog.
@mellisimoso Please don’t give up trying to stay the course for your child. You are the ‘only’ one in this big ole world that does care what her gender is. Believe me, you are not alone in this battle my dear. I was amazed when I found this blog, to finally find other parents who feel just like I do. My daughter IS my daughter – she can never become my ‘son’ … Praying for you and your sweet baby girl.
Hi I joined this forum to get support and some practical help and support for my predicament with my daughter. I am not sure if the majority of users are religious but I am not and I wish all the God fearing religious people would leave out their religious beliefs and praying away the gay idea and god watching over all of us idea and just keep to practical support, as this alienates people like me and Im sure other non religeous people from wanting to subscribe to this forum. Perhaps everyone 9n this forum is religious and perhaps I just made a mistake joining the wrong place
@Cecille Santos … you’re just gonna have to skip some responses here – and that is sad because you can find lots of good things from the parents going through this ordeal… Whether you are a Christian or not, truly doesn’t put you or Christians in a special category. I hope you find a way to cope with the situations you face.
Hi Cecille, I understand your wanting practical help to deal with this most difficult issue, but I believe there is room here for everyone. We are a diverse group. We are all here together with a common goal of helping our kids accept themselves as they are, get to a good place mentally and and resist altering their healthy bodies with blockers, hormones or surgeries.
I am not religious either, but if others want to pray for me and my daughter, I am all for it. What do I know? It just might work. Additionally, I don’t see anyone mentioning “pray away the gay;” I simply see people posting about praying for troubled kids to come to accept their birth sex and resist the pressure to join the transcult.
This is an issue which affects all types of people. We have to be in this together. There are plenty of us who are not religious, there are plenty of us who are. The important thing is that we are here fighting for our kids. I hope you will stay and help fight. We need everyone we can get.
Thank you,I had a really bad week with my daughter and everything 8s making me unhinged right now.I guess I should be more tolerant of others.
Cecille Santos, no worries. Dealing with our kids on this issue is so stressful. I definitely have more bad days than good ones. I do hope you will continue participating here. We have to stick together.
Thanks,yes we need to stick together.I have not been bringing up anything with my daughter concerning her trans beliefs and we are getting along much better this past week, Im just hoping she grows out of it and starts accepting and loving hetself once again. She is wearing make up and her hair is long again but that horrible binder goes on the minute she leaves the house.just worried about its long term effects on her bust
I am not religious, but see no need to denigrate people who are, or police their posts. We are a diverse group. I think there is room for everybody here. Take what makes sense to you, and leave the rest.
Hi, I’m Rachel*. I don’t know how many people are going to read this but perhaps if at least one person reads this it could help them. I, myself, went through this issue where I had a 3 month period of my life where I thought I was a man. This was only a mere month ago, and I’d like to let you know my experience.
My mom and I were always close when I was growing up until I began this phase. I was never very girly as a kid (still am not) and I believe now that I was looking for answers in the very wrong place. My mom is very feminine and a ‘girly girl’ and as are my two half sisters so I was wondering… why am I not like this? Why am I different from everyone else in my family? And thats when I turned to the internet. I think that the internet did not make me think this, but I do think that it played a role as I was very impressionable and lost. It didn’t take long for me to decide I was ‘transgender’ (female to male).
My life took an awful turn from that moment onwards. I have always been a strong Catholic and I can thank nobody but my mom and God for that, as without my faith, I would still be in that dark place.
My mom found this out, (I’m still not totally sure how), and that was one of the best and worse things that could’ve happened to me. We began to fight like crazy, and it was very extreme, but this story is not about that. Towards the end of the fighting, I started to wonder. “Is this really who I am? Is this worth it?” We had already paid easily $1000 for psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, you name it. And for some reason, for the first time, the answer was ‘No.’
I learned later, that this happened of a result of my mom’s intense prayers. I have no doubt in my mind that without her intense prayers for my well-being, I would still be there. I would still be in that dark place.
When my grandmother’s health took a sharp turn for the worst, THAT is when it hit me like a brick in the face. I knew this was not who I was. I was not ‘transgender’. I am a girl. Am I the most feminine girl that exists? No. But that does not make me any less of a girl or any more of a male.
To all of the parents out here who have a kid struggling with the same thing, I give them this advice. Never stop praying and asking God for help. He brought me back, and He can bring your child back too. Do not give up faith, or if you haven’t picked it up before, I STRONGLY encourage you to start.
*all names changed.
I’m very happy that you realized you are not a man. I have been praying for over a year now and God has not answered my prayers. At least he heard your Mom. It would be nice if he heard mine too. 🙁
Hi Cecile
I am not religious. As a mum and scientist I am at odds with my daughters’ sudden demands that she is a gay man trapped in 12 year old girl’s body. I think everyone here is motivated by one agenda, to be able to express live for our children and some skepticism on the trend for internet-based transgender ism and it’s pursuit amongst us happy children. I personally don’t think religion has much to do with it but I am grateful if someone holds us in their prayers.
Hi Cecille
I have been reading and commenting on this site since its beginning. Public performance of religion has not been a feature until the last few weeks, in posts by a small number of people who have arrived here quite recently.
It is my impression that most of the regular long-term posters are not religious, and those that are, are open-minded, non-judgemental people, who don’t make much mention (if any) of their beliefs when they are posting on this site.
Thanks for your response
My first thought when I read this was to use the kids jargon and say “same”. This is where I am — I don’t care about my child’s gender but it breaks my heart when she posts a cute little cartoon on tumblr about how someday she’ll have top surgery and be happy, complete with a cartoon image of post-op that includes the bloody drains. I just don’t understand why, if gender is in your brain and not your secondary sex characteristics, as our children insist, you need to excise healthy tissue at great expense and even more pain and discomfort so you can go shirtless on the beach and expose your mastectomy scars. Be a boy if you want but leave your body in peace.
To Ann: forgive autocorrect typo!
Meant to be PERHAPS there are two or three!!!!
I would ask that we respect each other’s mention, or non-mention of religion here. There are many people who take comfort and joy in their faith; there are others who cannot abide by the notion. I don’t think we have to call religious statements a “public performance” and we are all grown folks who can read, or read over, things with which we disagree.
I have been reading and commenting on LGBT and feminist sites for a long, long time. This is one of the few sites where – so far – we’ve all been able to live together, and I for one do NOT want to see us derailed by disputes about faith.
We all have, as our central mission, protecting our kids by exposing the lies, tactics and hypocrisies of the trans-activists. We also need to support each other in a world where we’re branded as bigots and worse, just because we care about our kids and their health. These things ought to give us more than enough to keep us busy!
Public performance of religion
I was, perhaps, too oblique at that point. I was alluding to the saying attributed to Jesus of Nazareth:
And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, who love to pray standing in the synagogues and on street corners so that they may be seen by other people. I assure you that they are well rewarded.
But when you pray, go into your private room, and after you have shut the door, pray to your father in secret, and your father who sees what is done in secret will give you your due.
— From the Sermon on the Mount: see the Gospel of Matthew, chapter 6, verses 5 and 6
I would like to add, for the new people especially, one reason this site is valuable is that it isn’t religious or right wing. What I mean is, the pro-trans lobby wants to stereotype all opposition to trans as coming from religious fanatics and far-righters. This site features criticism of trans from non-religious people, and others on the left. Some of us are scientists, and many are laypeople who believe in the scientific method. Criticism from people firmly on the left, and others who aren’t the “usual suspects” scares the heck out of the pro-trans lobby and is extremely valuable in dismantling their house of cards.
Thank you for your comment.I think everyone can believe in which way they they want to cope but should keep their religepus or non religeous beliefs out of this forum so it foes not antagonise anyone and we should focus on the best way to help our kids without preaching our beliefs
I would say there’s a difference between ‘public performance’ and a sincere invitation to group support/prayer. Just speaking as an Xtian who doesn’t talk about it here because I know it’s off-putting to some. There are some others of us here who aren’t talking about it for the same reason, I’m sure. (My ‘progressive, not-one-of-those-fundies’ credentials were impeccable until my foray into transland exposed some of the negative aspects of left-wing fundamentalism. Now I just categorize myself as a Jesus-follower and keep my head down.)
I agree with suggestions elsewhere that a private forum where ppl could share these thoughts/feelings outside the public blog would be a good idea; there could be a thread in there specifically for religious-spiritual posts/requests/discussion. someone previously actually talked about setting up such a chat group as a 4thwavenow spinoff but I don’t think it ever happened.
lovetruthcourage’s point below is well taken, that it’s too easy to label any opposition as stemming from ‘right wing evangelical fundies’ and thus dismiss it. There’s got to be a way to handle it without having that be the outcome.
Seeking purity only leads to infighting.
Wow so not only are you espousing your religeous beliefs and omposing them on others that are not religeous but now you are calling jews Hypocrytes, because they have different beliefs from you, that is pretty hateful and has no place on this forum. The religeous people on this forum that feel the need to. Quote the bible and talk about praying constantly should dtart their own religeous thread or respect the fact that many people on this forum may have strong religeous or non religeous beliefs but we keep it to ourselves out of repect for everyone and to not add to our already stressful lives
Cecille – No one here has called Jews hypocrites.
I think you must be reacting to my comment, in which I quoted some words that Jesus of Nazareth (who was, of course, a Jew) is reported to have addressed to his followers (who were also Jews) about other people of their culture who were ostentatious in their practice of their religion. It was Jesus who referred to people praying in synagogues.
Jesus did not say that Jews were hypocrites. He criticised some people in his own society who behaved in what he considered to be a hypocritical way.
As to why I quoted Jesus: I thought what he said was relevant. And he is supposed to be the person on whose teachings the whole structure of Christianity is founded.
I’d like to point out, in case any of the Christians here think I was implying that they were hypocrites, that Jesus did not say that those who behaved like the hypocrites he describes were necessarily hypocrites themselves. He just describes certain kinds of behaviour (public prayer is only part of it) as being “like the hypocrites”, and instructed his followers to behave differently.
For the record, I am not a Christian.
Wow … I’m absolutely shocked to see so much conversation over a person saying that they will “pray” for a Mama and her confused transgender child … I could’ve been the Christian who said that, because I do pray for the Mamas dealing with this horrific ordeal going on with their own child…. Anyway – I’m beginning to think that this blog, which I found to be very useful, is being taken way off course …. We need support, not a bunch of knit picking.
Yes, the comments regarding religion and prayer are getting ridiculous. We are here because we are dealing with transkids, not because we are seeking religious validation. Let’s not isolate anyone on this site – we get enough of that in the real world. I come here because I know people here understand what I’m going through and can offer a shoulder or advice, regardless of beliefs.
Seeking purity only leads to infighting.
I think this is about tact, not purity: the kind of tact that Puzzled exemplifies when she describes herself as “an Xtian who doesn’t talk about it here because I know it’s off-putting to some.”
There are reasons why some of us find it difficult when discourse takes a religious turn. Christianity comes in a wide range of flavours. Many fine things are done in the name of Christian faith, but so are many things that are extremely disturbing. To take an example, people who have experienced familial, institutional or other abuse inflicted in the name of Christianity are quite likely not to feel comfortable with talk of prayer, etc.
Hi,
I think it’s important to realize that we need to focus on facts and try to keep emotion out of it, lest it divide us. I am a religious person and so is my trans daughter which is actually a good thing if you think about what transition does to your body. And when science and common sense have not reached a kid who wants this change, many parents having nothing else to turn to except their religion at this point. Prayers are all they have. So respect goes both ways – we all have ways we cope that give us comfort. I did not start out religious although raised quite strict. And that being said, I do not want to scare away anyone who is trans and thinking about changing their mind because they see a religious post and make an assumption that the person is pushing this. Life is a spiritual journey no matter what your beliefs. Love is what needs to be encouraged and kind truth sharing.
Thanks for all you do and all the hard work and openness. It is appreciated.
I absolutely agree that we must stay with the facts and while I absolutely understand people viewing their terrible situation through the lens of faith and hoping for divine intervention, I think you can only meet the secular world with secular facts.
This is so disheartening to read. So I made a rebuttal.
http://genderdefenders.blogspot.com/2017/03/parents-no-you-dont-understand.html
The final sentence of your rebuttal is beyond predictable: “But your beliefs are killing people.” There, in a nutshell, we have the reason why 4thWaveNow is here: For parents who dare to be heretics, and in the process, have helped their kids realize they don’t have to be lifelong medical patients to live a happy life; who refuse to be emotionally blackmailed by yet another Internet scold with no clue about the families who congregate here.
Your claim to have read all the comments on the blog is belied by your assertion that most of us are inspired by religious intolerance, because of a few newcomers’ remarks. How ironic is it that so many of the “trans kid” stories in the media center around homophobic parents with religious backgrounds who socially transition their young kids (frequently “effeminate” boys). Like this ordained minister mom who tried to punish her toddler son’s gender nonconformity out of him, and now is perfectly happy to parade him as a “trans girl” in the media:
https://twitter.com/4th_WaveNow/status/838239461318127617
I really don’t think you read EVERY comment on here because the conclusions you have reached are so far off from what I’ve read on here. You said dysphoria is a mental illness. It is the dysphoria that has lead our children to this so then why isn’t the dysphoria being treated instead of our children being led to believe they have to transition in order to be happy. Also, do you have children? Never in a million years would I have thought I wouldn’t support my child in every aspect of their life but here I am. She has aspergers, severe depression and dysphoria, all of which seem to affect the other. If she would ever decide to, and man I hope she never ever does, harm herself enough to cause death that would not be my fault but the fault of her mental illnesses. For you to sit there and say we our causing our children to want or to actually commit suicide is ridiculous. It’s their illnesses that do that. I don’t have to like her choices to love her. You act as though we don’t even care for our children. Shame on you!
I loved my daughter enough to seek out therapy that helped her work on past trauma. I loved my daughter enough to look into the side effects of binders, puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones and surgeries. I loved my daughter enough to be cautious with medical interventions (as I would be with ANY recommended drug or procedure).
Just because parents don’t automatically believe our kids are transgender and require medical transition, doesn’t mean we hate them or are transphobic. We are being cautious BECAUSE we love our children and want to spare them harm.
I just stumbled on this. My 15 year old son has become friends with a young lady in his class who has started identifying as a boy. Friend’s parents don’t recognize the decision and are going thru a divorce. It seems my son has become his friend’s “confidant.” Some teachers recognize the friend’s choice, others don’t. I’m worried and concerned for my son that he is in over his head. The impact the Internet and these social sites have on our teens these days is huge. I want to be a supportive adult to my son’s friend, but this is unchartered territory for me. We are on Spring break – on stay-cation and taking a day trip tomorrow. I allowed my two teens to each bring a friend. My son has just started to explain to me who he is bringing, because it’s a newer name I didn’t recognize. Any thoughts on anything that I can do that would help the situation either tomorrow or moving forward?
Barb, welcome – you are obviously a great friend and caring parent, and you are also absolutely correct that your son’s friend could be in kind of a tough place right now. Too many girls are uncomfortable with their bodies, and/or with the fact they may be lesbian, and they are getting a very strong message (from the internet, as you note, and other places too) that a great answer to that is to adopt a male identity. Whereas, as parents and feminists, we feel that it’s MUCH better to figure out a way to live comfortably in your own skin and with your own orientation.
It does not help that the kids’ peer groups often feel that they must support the new trans identity 100%, for fear of being labelled a bigot or behind the times.
One good thing you can do is to start learning about this issue from the “teen transition” point of view. There are serious medical consequences to binding, for instance, and you can serve as a resource to your son’s friend, or at least to the friend through your son (she may not be very interested in talking to you).
In terms of the immediate, in my view it’s best just not to make “a big deal” out of the friend’s choices. For some kids, it can be an attention or affirmation strategy, at least in part, and the more matter of fact you can be about it, the less that happens. If she asks you outright what you think, you can tell her (gently of course) that she can be herself without hormones and surgery. And if you have the chance, respectful questioning (what is a boy? what can you do as a boy that you can’t do as a girl? what do you think life will be like as a man?) can also help her clarify some issues, or at least get started thinking about them from a non-Tumblr perspective.
Good luck! Let us know how it goes!
Thank you all. Today went well. Her Mom dropped her off later than we had expected, so we wanted to leave right away. My son asked if we could drive her to her house to change because she didn’t feel comfortable wearing what her mom made her wear. (Parents are living separately, I think). My son was like “mom, you don’t want him to feel uncomfortable the whole trip.” I asked her what she thought, that we were already late. She said I understand that you want to leave right away, if I can put it out of my mind, I’ll forget about it in 20 minutes and I have this heavy coat on. So I thought that was respectful of her. I was a great day. Everyone had a good time. She is a beautiful, respectful, tiny young lady. Any chance someone identifies with a different gender to try to develop fun, normal relationships with the opposite gender without the baggage that would exist in a typical boy/girl relationship? A good day, tho. Tonight, before bed, I plan on starting a conversation with my son and see if I can give him a parent’s perspective a little. Thank you all.
Hi Barb, I am responding to your second post above it – sorry – that’s the way WordPress seems to work. I’m glad you all had a good time and that your son’s friend seems like she’s in a better place than you initially surmised. I did want to address your question, about whether the friend is identifying as male so she can have healthier relationships with her peers. I guess the answer is that anything is possible, although I’d be pretty surprised if a teenager thought things through to this extent. And, it seems like a pretty complicated way to have better friendships.
It’s not to say that girls don’t often try and “opt out” of femininity and mandatory heterosexuality, by assuming a trans-male or non-binary identity. If this permits her to have a better relationship with the world around her, that’s understandable for sure.
Teenagers have always tried on different identities and ways of being. I’m sure you remember kids from your own teenage years experimenting. I have no problem at all with any of that, my problem is with medicalizing the experiment and making it permanent in the body and mind. This is why “gender play” with teens can turn out not to be a benign thing at all.
I am trying to figure out if my daughter is having second thoughts even though she claims she is still transgender but neither man nor woman.
She has grown her hair long again wears mske up all the time,but everytime she goes out the house, puts her binder on but immediately takes it off when she gets home.Do most of your kids remove their binders
when they get home and only wear them outside the house,or usually leave them on continuously. Trying to g8gure it all out.
Same sentiments as worriedmom above. Treat this friend as you would any friend of your son’s. Hope you all enjoy your staycation!
Thank you. I would shout here here if I could. Our daughter, 19 months into this and less aggressive now. You do the right thing by reminding gently that women can be anything they want without having to become ‘male’. The obsession with gender is a throwback to earlier roles. As bread winner and mum, a feminist born in the 1970s, I have to keep it real. At last my daughter has stopped demanding testosterone and mastectomy. I dread what tomorrow may bring but we all really know
And feel free to just follow your son’s lead on names and pronouns, I have shared with some of my daughter’s friends parents that I am skeptical about her being intrinsically a boy BUT I am also really clear that I completely understand that they feel more comfortable calling her by the name and pronouns that she prefers and that their own children are using, and I would do the same in their shoes.
So many of us sound identical, don’t we? I’m a physician. I’m bisexual. I’m active in the LGBTQ community. My husband and I have always made a point of raising our two boys to know that we would accept them regardless of what sexual orientation they might have. A year ago, my older son age 14 (at the time) came out as bisexual, although he seemed to lean more towards gay, although not sexually active. No worries. Fully supportive.
But several months ago he tells me he is questioning his gender and I was floored. And terrified! During THIS administration? And with the murder rate for trans being so horrible? The work we still have ahead of us for equality? No evidence of femininity. He asked once about trying women’s clothes and never followed up. We discussed cross dressing. He never followed up. I asked him to do more research on the variety of genders and to discuss it to see if he felt more two-spirited, etc. No followup, at least that I know of. And last night he asks for an appointment with a physician to discuss hormones. I feel grief and anger, a sense of loss of a child. I feel that *I* am being asked to do all the work for him, and that he isn’t even willing to put in the groundwork of finding a therapist or finding the teen trans support groups himself.
I have friends transitioning. I ask patients their pronoun preferences, where appropriate. I oppose the bathroom bills. I am by no means transphobic. But I have hit a wall here and I just don’t know how to go any further.
One thing, silly as it is, that will wither me the most inside, is the loss of my son’s name. Choosing a child’s name is something so special to a parent, especially to a mother. So much care and love went into choosing his name, and it was part of bonding to him as an infant. If I had a daughter, I had a name ready for a girl that I would have used for bonding. Here, I will lose that beautiful name, that connection that said we are parent and child, the name I whispered into his ear at night for years. And it will be replaced with something foreign that has no past, no history, no years of love built into it. Part of the parent-child connection will die with the loss of his name. I am actually tearing up while I’m typing this, even though it hasn’t happened yet. I almost feel like I could get through this if it weren’t for the loss of his name, but that would never happen. The most I could ever hope for, which also wouldn’t happen, would be “Mom, can we talk about girl names together? What would you have named me if I was a girl?” I guess that is just grasping at straws.
This blog is saving my brain. I feel like I am not alone. I don’t agree with all the views, but you all are giving me ideas about how to look for a therapist to discuss gender dysphoria. And how to screen them in advance. And how to negotiate for personal responsibility if not some degree of financial responsibility in the proceedings. I think I will avoid trans teen groups for now, until he has had time to really establish with a good counselor to sort through thoughts and issues. So thank you to the group for throwing me a lifeline.
Hi there… and welcome! I’m glad you’re finding the blog and the ideas that are discussed useful. A lot of us are pretty liberal types and the dissonance and alienation around the trans issue that we begin to feel with our friends and professional communities, can become pretty overwhelming sometimes.
After being around this for a while, I can suggest to you a couple of ideas that seem to work, or at least have as good a chance of working as anything. First, many of us have found it helpful to take the emphasis off “gender” and “gender presentation” entirely. If your son wants to talk about it, fine, but many of us stopped raising it as an issue and try to more or less brush over it, using humor or whatever other techniques to show that it just isn’t that important to you. Remember, as I know you know, that our teens are always trying to provoke a reaction out of us by the different things they say and do, and if they stop getting a “rise,” that can help them focus on something different.
Another thing that parents often do in this situation is try and get their kids involved in other activities that (a) don’t attract the trans-trender crowd and (b) encourage “healthy mind in a healthy body” type thinking. You don’t have to force your kid to play football or lacrosse, but there are plenty of great activities that teens can do (trail maintenance, Scouting, group singing, community volunteering) that get them out of their heads and into a place where, unlike the internet, people are not obsessed with gender. Non-competitive physical activities, like dancing, yoga, ice skating, jogging for fun, backpacking, sailing… all of these help re-connect a person with his or her body and, again, get away from the inward-ness of “gender dysphoria.” It’s also great to connect your kid with people of different ages and life circumstances, whether that’s through a spiritual community, or a political or environmental organization, or something else.
Part of the purpose for this is to just help our kids move past that obsessive, self-focused place that so many of them seem to be in when they first start having gender issues. And, part of it is, that time is your friend here. The longer you can forestall your son from moving forward on his new gender identity, the more time there is for his brain to mature, and for him to realize that the discomfort or unhappiness that he’s feeling (a NORMAL part of every teenager’s life!) has nothing to do with his gender.
Good luck and keep coming back!
Welcome to your “progressive person hits the wall” moment. A bunch of us have already been there, so we know how you feel.
And the advocates will simply tell you to swallow your grief because “it’s not about you.” Your grief’s not allowed, and you’ll be made to feel like you’re a bad person for feeling it. Instead, you are supposed to become your child’s No. 1 transition facilitator and public cheerleader. No matter how much your gut tells you it’s not right.
But IMO, BalancingGame, your gut reaction is not something to wave aside. Your gut, IMO, is actually telling you, correctly, that bodies mean something, that bodies are not a mere “social construct,’ unlike gender. Your gut is telling you that history means something and sex means something. Don’t label your pain at the prospect of losing your son and his name — his identity — as anything “silly.” It is not.
Your gut is, correctly, telling you that a 14 year old kid in the middle of a trend situation is in no position to make a well-reasoned judgement about a medical course of action that has lifelong consequences. Adolescent brains don’t “do” adult reasoning.
So yeah, I would be very careful looking for a counselor and very careful about what teen groups you allow or don’t allow. Some of us have found our kids are happier when gender does not become the driving force/interest of their lives, and they have other stuff to focus on, whether that is non-gender-related clubs, sports, outdoor activities, volunteer service, travel. Anything to get them out of the bubble that is telling them their bodies are wrong and need fixing or they will inevitably kill themselves.
Limit the social media use as much as is humanly possible. Long hours alone in a room with a computer on tumblr/reddit/youtube are highly likely to reinforce his idea that his feelings mean he is trans.
And don’t be afraid to tell him that you love and support him, will always love and support him, will support “nonconforming” presentation as well, but this is a very adult course of action with lifelong consequences that you cannot support at the age of 14. Tell him, in all honesty, that this is a new and experimental treatment using drugs that are not approved by the FDA for use on minors for this purpose, and that because the effects are permanent, it’s important to wait until a person is really sure. Which it’s impossible to be at 14. IMO.
I know that is really hard, for a progressive person to do. And I know you’re terrified he will self-harm if you do that. Monitor him very closely, get help if there are any signs of significant depression. But don’t assume that saying “no for now” means suicide. The people here are proof positive that this is not, in fact, the case.