A few months ago, my teenage daughter stopped trying to “pass” as male. She dropped the self-defined-as-male uniform (emphasis on SELF), the stereotyped swagger and the fake-deepened voice and —moved on. Her fervent desire to be seen and treated as a boy (as opposed to a gender-atypical girl) faded away, just as other formerly unshakable ideas and urges had in the past. And our relationship has never been better.
Although I’ve allowed myself to exhale, just a little, she will remain at risk, because every sector of society—the media, the government, the schools, medicine and psychology–is now saturated with the message that if you’re a “gender nonconforming” girl–one who prefers the clothing, activities, and hairstyle more typical of the opposite sex– you just might actually be a boy.
What did I, and the other adults who love her, do? It hasn’t been easy. In fact, for a time it was a living hell, a purgatory of slammed doors, stony silence, yelling matches, and mostly—waiting.
There was no magic answer. We rode it out. I learned something about keeping my mouth shut. About saying my piece and then leaving it be. About living with uncertainty. We didn’t cater to demands for instant gratification. We paid for and encouraged activities that would get her out into nature and off the Internet. Mostly, we waited.
I drew a clear line in the sand: There would be no money to pay for a gender therapist, testosterone, or a binder. If she wanted to pursue those things at the age of medical majority, that would be her choice—and it would be on her dime. At the same time, I let her know that her clothing and hairstyle choices were hers to make. Further: I purchased the “men’s” clothing (including underwear), paid for the haircuts, supported all the other stuff she wanted to do or wear that is more “male typical.” Not always successfully, I tried to calmly and sparingly convey the message that however she dressed, whatever interests she pursued, she was a female—perhaps an unusual one, but a young woman nevertheless, who might someday become a role model to show other girls just how amazing and truly “gender-expansive” a woman can be.
Like many who read this blog, I phoned gender therapists during the weeks after her announcement that she was trans. Without even meeting my child in the flesh, all four of these therapists talked to me like this trans thing was a done deal. I wrote about one of those conversations here. One very friendly therapist, an FTM whose website stressed commitment to “informed consent,” assured me that there was no need for my daughter to first experience a sexual or romantic relationship before deciding whether she was trans. “Most of the young people just skip that step now,” the therapist said.
Skip that step? I thought back to my own adolescence. I didn’t even begin to have a clear idea of who I was, as a sexual being, until after I’d had more than one relationship. It took years for me to come to know my body’s nuances and intricacies, its capacity for pleasure, how I might feel in relation to another. [Update: for lesbian youth in particular, this process can be a long one, on average not complete until one’s early 20s]
This same therapist signed my kid up for a “trans teen” support group scheduled for the following week—again, without ever having met her. “There’s nothing you or I can do about your daughter being trans,” said another therapist… on the phone, without having met my kid. Yet another therapist refused to talk to me at all; insisted she’d have to have a private appointment with my kid first.
Contrary to the myth promulgated by the transition promoters, at least in the United States, there is no slow and careful assessment of these kids who profess to be trans. The trend is to kick out the gatekeepers, and move towards a simple model of “informed consent”: If you say you’re trans, you are–no matter how young and no matter when you “realized” you were trans.
All these therapists seemed well meaning enough. They believed they were doing the correct thing. But with each conversation, I felt more and more uneasy. My gut feeling that something wasn’t right led me to research, to question…to put the brakes on. And the more I read, and thought, and understood, the more determined I became to find an alternative. I started this blog out of sheer desperation. I needed to find someone, anyone, who understood what I was going through. I needed other parents to talk to—badly.
My kid never did go to a gender therapist. Never did sit in a room full of “trans teens.” If she had, I feel certain she’d be sporting a beard right now.
When I first started blogging, I got a lot of hate mail. In every anonymous drive-by comment, the hater referred to my “son” who would grow up to hate my guts. “He” would surely commit suicide, and more than one of them wished me a lifetime of misery when that inevitably happened. Even the mildest posts resulted in hostile reblogs from strangers who had not the slightest idea of my family’s situation.
At first, these anonymous barbs stung, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that I could rely on my inner parental compass. Because, see, I know my daughter. I knew, when she suddenly began spouting the gender-policed jargon planted in her head by Tumblr trans activists, that this wasn’t who she really was. This was a girl who, all through childhood, was never “gender conforming” but who was secure in herself because I’d made sure she knew, via my words and my example, that girls could be and do anything.
Most of all, I knew she needed me—not to blindly “support” and give in to her every demand, but to simply BE THERE, even as a limit; a steady place she could push and rail against. It was scary, and painful, being on the receiving end of teen outrage. Because a teenager does have the right to make some of their own decisions. Later adolescence is a time of individuation, dawning adulthood. Haranguing or lecturing not only gets you nowhere, it isn’t fair. Negotiation is probably the most important parenting skill when it comes to high-school-aged youth. And no parent gets it right all the time. (Paradoxically, part of being a halfway decent parent is knowing how imperfect you are at the job.) But one thing became more and more clear to me: my child did not need a parent who would collaborate in sending her down a road to being a permanent medical patient. In fact, she needed protection from the very same people who were sending me hate mail on Tumblr.
Not so long ago, child and adolescent psychologists—people who actually study the development of young human beings—were frequently cited and quoted. These experts, as well as every other rational adult, were well aware that kids shift identities: try this one on, shed it like a snake skin, try on another. Younger kids go through a long and wonderful period of make believe and magical thinking. They are actually convinced they ARE the identity they try on. And adolescents are renowned for trying on hairstyles, belief systems, clothing styles—only to discard them after a few weeks, months, or maybe even years.
In contrast to today’s social-media-fueled paradigm, when a kid’s announcement that they are the opposite sex is taken at face value by seemingly everyone around them, it was previously understood that adults were largely responsible for the inculcation of gender stereotypes into children’s minds. Children aren’t born hating their sexed bodies. They only grow to reject themselves when someone they look up to promotes the idea that their likes and dislikes in clothing, toys, activities, or other pursuits are seen as incongruent with their natal sex.
A child’s burgeoning sense of self, or self-concept, is a result of the multitude of ideas, attitudes, behaviors, and beliefs that he or she is exposed to. The information that surrounds the child and which the child internalizes comes to the child within the family arena through parent-child interactions, role modeling, reinforcement for desired behaviors, and parental approval or disapproval (Santrock, 1994). As children move into the larger world of friends and school, many of their ideas and beliefs are reinforced by those around them. A further reinforcement of acceptable and appropriate behavior is shown to children through the media, in particular, television. Through all these socialization agents, children learn gender stereotyped behavior. As children develop, these gender stereotypes become firmly entrenched beliefs and thus, are a part of the child’s self-concept.
… Often, parents give subtle messages regarding gender and what is acceptable for each gender – messages that are internalized by the developing child (Arliss, 1991). Sex role stereotypes are well established in early childhood. Messages about what is appropriate based on gender are so strong that even when children are exposed to different attitudes and experiences, they will revert to stereotyped choices (Haslett, Geis, & Carter, 1992).
We have people like this: the mother of a six-year-old girl who has “transitioned” to male, writing storybooks to indoctrinate kindergartners. To suggest to them that they, too, might really be the opposite sex:
“Can the doctor have made a mistake? Was I supposed to have been born a boy? Am I the only kid in the world like this?”
Deep down, Jo Hirst had been anticipating these questions. And she knew she had to get the answers right.
It was bedtime, and her six-year-old was curled up on her lap. Assigned female at birth, from 18 months of age Hirst’s son* had never wanted to wear female clothing and always played with boys.
I challenge anyone to find me a single account of a “transgender child” which does NOT resort to talking about toys, hairstyle, clothing, or play stereotypes to justify the diagnosis of “trans” in a young child.
Our kids are being cheated of the opportunity, the breathing space, to simply explore who they are without a gaggle of adults jumping in to interfere with the process by “validating” their frequently transient identities. Kids are being encouraged to freeze their sense of self in a moment in time, during the period of life when everything is in flux. And even though key researchers have said over and over again that most gender dysphoric kids “desist” and grow up to be gay or lesbian; even though the latest research denies any such thing as a “male” or “female” brain, parents are encouraged to socially transition their kids, put them on “puberty blockers,” and refer to them by “preferred pronouns.”
For very young children, this cementing of the child’s identity in a period when they most need the freedom to simply play and explore—to “make believe”—is essentially stunting the child’s development.
Young children go through a stage where it is difficult for them to distinguish reality from fantasy. Among many other things, it’s why we have ratings on films. A young child can’t understand that the monster onscreen is not real.
Research indicates that children begin to learn the difference between fantasy and reality between the ages of 3 and 5 (University of Texas, 2006). However, in various contexts, situations, or individual circumstances, children may still have difficulty discerning the difference between fantasy and reality as old as age 8 or 9, and even through age 11 or 12. For some children this tendency may be stronger than with others.
Just exactly what is motivating doctors and psychologists to jettison decades of research and clinical practice in favor of a completely unsubstantiated and unproven hypothesis of “transgender from birth”? The glib answer is: suicide. But if a gender nonconforming youth expresses the desire to self harm, encouraging that youth to further dissociate from their whole selves (because the body and mind, contrary to the bleating of trans activists, are not separate units, but a whole) is not a responsible way to support mental health. As this commenter said in a recent post on GenderTrender:
Wow. Conservatives aren’t the only ones who suck at science. Brain sex? Seriously? If you’re allegedly born in the wrong body, why doesn’t your brain count as part of the “wrong body”? Your brain is telling the truth but the rest of your body is a liar? Wtf? This shit is as sensible as scientology.
Teens often pick up on cues and assimilate ideas presented in movies/films viewed in the movie theater and other sources, (online sources for watching movies now eclipse movie theater viewings or film DVD rentals for teens), and while teens already understand the difference between fantasy and reality, they may still absorb or become attached to ideas that are powerfully presented in films but that have no basis in reality, the teen not having enough experience or knowledge to sort propaganda from fact, fiction from reality. Films, television programs, music and statements from celebrities can [and do] become a part of the thinking and emotional/psychological makeup of teens and children.
This used to be a “duh” thing. Are teens influenced by what they imbibe, what’s in fashion, what celebrities (like Jazz Jennings and Caitlyn Jenner and Laverne Cox) are doing, what their peers are saying and doing? Might socially isolated teens be even more swayed by what they see on social media, while they sit for hours, alone in their rooms?
“Facebook depression,” defined as emotional disturbance that develops when preteens and teens spend a great deal of time on social media sites, is now a very real malady. Recent studies have shown that comparisons are the main cause of Facebook depression; the study showed that down-comparison (comparing with inferiors) was just as likely to cause depression as up-comparison (comparing with people better than oneself).
…Other risks of extensive social networking among youth are loss of privacy, sharing too much information, and disconnect from reality.
My daughter, like so many others I’ve now heard about, emerged from months of self-imposed social isolation and YouTube/Reddit binges, to announce, out of the blue, that she was transgender. And simply for questioning this, for refusing to hop aboard the train, I’ve been labeled a “child abuser” of my “son”? Until the last few years, parents who recognized that teens go through phases weren’t considered abusive. They were considered well informed.
Not so long ago, parents and helping professionals neither interfered with nor bolstered a particular identity that a kid was trying on. Everyone understood this was an important part of growing up: to allow our young to experiment, to see what worked and what didn’t. It’s called the development of a self. It takes years. It’s not even complete at 21. The self doesn’t emerge, fully formed and immutable at birth. It develops in response to experience, to love, and to adversity.
Given my own daughter’s desistence from the idea that she is or was ever “transgender,” I feel even more strongly that parents are right to resist the push by every sector of society to identify “gender dysphoric” minors as “trans.” Yes, some of these young people may go on to identify as the opposite sex; some will seek medical transition. But what the current atmosphere has done is rob them of the crucial time they need to figure it all out. Medical transition was once a rare, adult-only decision. I’m in favor of a return to that more reasonable approach to the matter.
So you bet I’m going to keep doing what I can to support parents who want to at least delay an adolescent’s decision to permanently alter body and mind with hormones and surgeries. You bet I’m going to try to save my own kid from what amounts to a cult that won’t let you leave if you change your mind, without serious social consequences. You bet I’m going to continue to protect my daughter and others like her from a lifetime of difficulty, from the rapacious medical industry that is profiting from the regressive resurgence and marketing of gender stereotypes.
You can also bet that I’m going to continue shedding light on the frankly insane practice of labeling very young children as transgender, conditioning them as preschoolers to believe their own bodies are somehow wrong and alien, that they must undergo teasing and torment from other children, that they must wear prosthetics to amplify or hide their own genitalia to be accepted as they are. Or just as bad: That the entire world must be browbeaten into redefining biological reality such that “some girls have penises” and “some boys have vaginas.”
And this work is not just about protecting kids. It’s also about supporting family members and friends who are deeply affected by the transgender narrative. Extremist trans activists, the media, the doctors and psychiatrists–none of them talk about the terrible damage done to the family system, to the fabric of close relationships, when a child “transitions.” All the activists have to say is that the skeptical parents and loved ones are “transphobes.” No one talks about the fact that the majority of these dysphoric kids would grow up to be gay or lesbian adults if not interfered with; adults with healthy, intact bodies, not dependent on drugs and carved up by surgeons’ knives.
So we have to keep talking about it. We have to keep the lights on in our corner of the Internet, even if only to document this strange medical and cultural fad for future historians.
Thanks to everyone who is traveling this road with me. While I know we often feel swamped and hopeless, we have each other for strength and courage. And for now, that will have to be enough.
Dear Balancing game, thank you for your post. You express my feelings about name choice exactly. We could conceive for years and when we finally had our only child we named her Hope. We sang her name and whispered it, made storyou books about Hope. The hardest parts of this are fear for our child (who has no real world friends having rejected them as transphobic) and grief because that little girl has gone. We’re not supposed to show old photos , she is furious when we reminisce with other family about past holidays etc. We’re not allowed to grieve but I feel that I’ve list the little girl I carried and nursed and named and sang to every day. I’m sorry not to be more positive for you, I just wanted to say me too. x
You both have every right to grieve over the name And the memories attached to them. When my daughter first started going down the path that totally hurt me. I just looked at her one day snd said , ” I birthed a girl named XXXX, I don’t know this person that you claim to be.” I was being completely honest with her when I said that I had no connection to XXXX (the new name). I made to apologies. I’m not superhuman and I let her know I couldn’t connect with any of it. Thankfully, she turned it around (through a lot of prayer) but I’m still on this blog and my heart continues to break every single time I read about the agony of another family going through this awful, evil situation. I continue to pray for everyone hurting b cause of this completely unacceptable trend. It is just like murder. Killing off the baby you had and replacing that child with a complete different gendered person and you are supposed to be unaffected? No Way is that natural. I told my daughter while I was battling through it that she was being undeniably cruel to a mother that only ever loved and cared for her with every fiber in my body. Call me selfish, but I thought what she was considering was completely selfish and I did not tip toe around it. I have feelings too and they counted just as much. This is a TRAGEDY for families going through this.
Good for you that you stood your ground.
Ann,
Yes, good for you for standing your ground!
I feel all those things too and have been told, “it’s not about” me at all. Told I am totally insensitive, etc.
I do not know my daughter anymore. In her “journey” down this evil road, I became aware not just of her physical changes, but her behavioral ones. I discovered I’d been lied to for a long time. Big lies and no remorse. She is a tense little dictator ready to squash anyone and anything that may challenge her choices and views.
As the mother, I feel we are a huge target for the vitriolic anger that accompanies this trend. We are made to feel that remaining steadfast and true in our motherly love can only be proven by supporting disfiguration and destruction of our healthy children.
You here all know this painful plight. I am just saying I think as mothers it is maybe especially difficult to be asked to agree with such an evil lie.
To me, Ann is brave and true. And sane. AND loving.
It is a good mother’s nature to keep her children safe. A mother can read all the views out there, hear all the arguments. At the end, her most basic instinct to protect her child from harm will always win out.
So my 18 year old talented, off the IQ charts, and beautiful baby boy was physically tortured, abused, and emotionally assaulted by his father till he was 15 when my husband finally left (he abused the rest of us, just not nearly as much physically). He HATED his son. My son has repeatedly asked for an apology for the abuse–this is all he wants from him, but his father denies that he did anything wrong (Not to mention, the night he walked out, in was a hailstorm of blood and glass). Meanwhile because this is child he can easily manipulate, he does so quite well. He’s isolated, dropped out of high school (he graduated now) and has NO motivation in life (and this is the kid that is able to teach physics without taking classes), wanting to sleep it away, He’s a screen addict. I made the mistake of getting him a cell phone at 15–didn’t for the other kid till she went to college at 17. He’s perpetually on a screen with porn (yes, I know some is natural), gaming, and apparently constantly texting to ‘friends’. He’s deeply religious (of his own choosing–no thing fanatical, just is like us)
Last night, after working all day (he works on grant funding for research) we come home and he says “I don’t know how to say this….I’m trans”. WHATTTTT?
Does he want to be a girl because his father was better to his sister? Is this an ‘idea’ in his head from the internet? He apparently has a ‘friend’ that ran away (where’d he get her? he NEVER goes out, won’t get a driver’s license, won’t really do much, and yes, I’ve gotten therapy, meds–the whole nine yards and then some b/c I am a well-connected prominent clinician myself). WHAT in the world? He never dressed like a girl. He never said anything before now. He never acted different. The only thing different about him is that he’s never had friends his own age. He’s always fit in with kids much older than him…but then, his IQ is 160 and he’s becoming a well recognized musician across the state, and US). And he tells me, given that he’s never had a girlfriend either, that he’s just wanting to be a girl and be asexual! WHAT IN THE WORLD? I gave both kids a gap year away, to several countries, and he comes back with this?? (they went to study art, culture, etc.) Having spent a fair amount of time on the internet when he was away (I didn’t go with them as I have to work). My response, as I’m not an alarmist, at least not externally, was that since frontal lobes don’t finish forming till the age of 26, that no decisions that could affect his forming brain would be made then. And that since coincidentally he would finish med school then (he has always wanted to be a surgeon), that he would be enabled with much more true factual information, and would be best suited to make these decisions at this point. I didn’t say ‘no’ in any way–that just drives people away, but then, I hope this doesn’t give the impression that I support this idiocy. I just got on cardiac meds this week, after battling with unrelenting chest pain (I was born a heart patient) and this is NOT helping…and no, while it’s not about me, it is at least here, right?)
I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to be able to actually speak with some parents who have this, for lack of a better word, ridiculousness going on.
My heart goes out to you. Severe trauma is part of this. Go to Thirdwaytrans. He’s a psychologist and desisted. Might be able to help you.
This reply is to DBTShrink (even though it may not nest correctly). Welcome to this board, as we say – good to see you, not that you have to be. I can’t imagine being in your professional position, where the acceptance of trans dogma appears nearly universal, and having to cope with your son and his issues.
I am sure you’re in a much better position than I am to evaluate the clinical research and studies in the area. I would strongly advise you to review the “40% suicide rate” canard that is frequently weaponized to terrorize parents in our situation.
Many of us with adult or nearly-adult children have come to the conclusion that, while we are certainly supportive of and loving towards out children, this does not mean affirming them in their ideas regarding gender and the necessity that they make a physical change to reflect these beliefs. Many parents (myself included) feel that we are well within our rights to tell our adult children that if, as and when they wish to undergo transgender “body mods,” they need to be able to organize these and personally pay for them without parental supervision or input. You may want to figure out whether your insurance plan pays for transition related procedures (since I assume your son can still access those benefits).
There is an awful to read and learn about in this area. The transgender lobby would prefer that we all shut our eyes and ear tightly and refuse even to question, much less explore and research on our own. It’s a lonely place to be, for sure.
Also for dbtshrink. Transgender is illogical at the best of times but with asexual trans it just levelled up. If you are not using your genitals why bother changing them to another set of genitals that will go equally unused? It sounds like the start of a Monty Python sketch.
This is so common with very high IQ that there was a joke along the lines that the gifted centre should be across the street from the LGBT centre so it would be a short walk. And with someone in the ‘closer to 200’ club, I’m guessing this is just the tip of the iceberg of weird. Are either of you involved in the gifted community? Come over to Crushing Tall Poppies, we may be of help with the gifted end of this (I haven’t seen trans discussed on this website but I think it’s the best starting point). It at least offers an explanation for the feeling of never belonging without defying reality.
@dbtshrink – A close friend had a similar issue with his 15 year old [high IQ] son. Had been in counseling and diagnosed with Asperger-lite syndrome. Last year, before my daughter’s situation occurred his son got pulled into this idiocy by a friend [who was in counseling for depression] and gamers online apparently helped shore up the connections. At the time, I was shocked and quite honestly was uncomfortable talking to my friend about his son.
They got him in counseling and ‘distracted’ [luckily it was driver’s license time] and at least ‘assume’ they are out of the woods for now, as he’s backed off the transgender issue. Still, I can see the fear [I own it now myself] in his father’s [my friend’s] eyes, and sense that anxiety in him all the time.
They are a family that fear ‘taking things away’ [phone, video games, driving privileges, etc] from their boys, so in a sense they are not in charge. Also, they realize when they take away things, their life gets tougher.
The gender identity movement is the new “drug on the street” and all of us parents are doing the best we can to make the right decisions with the information we have, and our own proprietary knowledge of our own children.
The only wrong decision, in my mind, is not to care. My daughter, who is very immature for her age, is already starting to notice that those wanting to be her best friend online are backing away and becoming really quiet when she tries to pursue those friendships for real. She’s starting to understand their “love and support” is words…not food, shelter, rescue…
My daughter has migrated between Trans, Fluid, Asexual, etc. over the past 6 months.
I’ll tell you what I tell everybody. My suggestion is to snoop, track all computer activity, monitor texts. You can’t influence him 24/7, but THEY can. You need the ability to gather info, summarize, analyze, and speak from a perspective of understanding his influences – the ‘who’ and the ‘what’. Your rare conversations must be informed and calculated.
Guard your heart by giving yourself the advantage. Trust me. THEY will take every advantage you leave on the table and they have a lot more time & influence than you do.
I just started looking at this site and I was so thankful to read about so many others who feel the same way I do and I can empathize with you all. The article about sticking with your gut really hit home and yes it certainly is as though you are grieving because you have lost the child you raised as one sex and now have what feels like a complete stranger who is of another sex.
My daughter was a typical girl growing up, no sign of “always being a boy”. She wore dresses and pretty shoes with her long hair in pony tails, pigtails, etc. It was a special mom and daughter thing to paint our finger and toe nails. She took dance and gymnastics. Yes she did some “boyish” things but she had an older brother so that is very natural, I mean he played with her toys etc just as much as she played with his…that is normal. As she got to the teenage years, she wore makeup, low cut tops, short shorts, tight jeans and was (what I thought) a typical teenage girl not unlike myself at her age.
When my daughter was 16 she came out and at the time said she was interested in both boys and girls. I was okay with that and tried to be very supportive as I believe you fall in love with a person not their color, race, religion etc and at 16 face it, the hormones are going wild so in my mind I thought she would figure it out over time, convinced it was just a phase.
At 17 she started cutting and became suicidal. She started getting piercings and tattoos (I’m old fashioned I guess but those are things I personally am not a fan of). This was a very difficult and scary time for all of us. At some point during her 17th year she said she was transitioning to become a man. I was shocked but tried several times to talk with her about it, trying to understand, trying to be supportive. Even her girlfriend at the time didn’t understand. It saddened me because it truly does feel like you’ve lost a child. She demanded I use the proper pronouns, wanted to destroy anything to do with her past life (threw away all her clothes, makeup, wanted to destroy all pictures etc). She refused to go for any counselling but did start going to the Pride Center and as mentioned in the article, it definitely swayed her to transition.
A few months before her 18th birthday she wanted to change her name and needed both parents to sign the documents. After some thought I agreed. This is where things went totally downhill. Next she wanted me to sign documents to have her birth certificate marker changed to make…this is something I thought was morally wrong and to me that is falsifying records (how can this even be possible? I can see having an amendment to the birth certificate but to change it?) my ex husband signed but I refused. She also wanted me to provide consent to start taking hormones and I refused. This was one week before her 18th birthday (in Canada where I was living at the time, 18 is the legal age and they are officially an adult) so the morning of her 18th birthday she started hormones and had her birth certificate changed.
I feel 18 is way too young to make life changing decisions and I hoped and prayed it would take a few years before she did anything that would be irreversible…wrong! A few months ago she had her breasts removed and I’m told she is booked to have a hysterectomy in the fall…she will be 19 this summer. I don’t understand how a doctor can allow this to happen at such a young age. My gynaecologist gave me a hard time at 46 about getting a hysterectomy! I was furious and in disbelief. Obviously that whole sector have their own doctors they deal with that won’t even question it.
My daughter would not speak to me for months after I refused to sign for the change to the birth certificate. We had a few visits around Christmas before I moved to the US and found out the “he” is interested in men and wants to become a drag queen and dress up like a woman! Forgive me but I do not understand!! And when I asked her, “if you like men and want to dress up like a man then why don’t you just stay a woman?” She no longer talks to me. It breaks my heart. I truly believe she needs some counselling and not from the counsellors at the Pride Center but “he” is an adult so I have no say in it. I miss my little girl.
As it is noted in several articles, it is not the parents fault and I do believe the media (in various forms) is doing a lot of damage as young teens / adults are very impressionable and I’m ashamed of the medical field for allowing life changing procedures to be done without question or counselling.
I apologize for this lengthy reply but I know you will understand that it’s good to get things off your chest with people who can relate.
Thanks for listening lol
oh Grieving Mom, I weep with you. Such heartbreak and sorrow, I’m so sorry for your pain. You are absolutely right…it is criminal that the medical community continues to “treat” gender dysphoria so quickly with permanently body-morphing chemicals and surgeries. It makes no sense to move so quickly with young people who are still growing up and sorting through their identity. It makes no sense. Thank you for sharing your story and for sharing your grief. Know that you are not alone.
This has been refreshing to read. My daughter took gender studies classes in college and now suddenly says that she is pan-sexual, gender fluid. She acts cold and non-communicative to us, her parents and we have always had a close, open relationship with her all her life before. It is like she has been taken by a cult. She has always been a very feminine girl. We are heartbroken with this sudden change in her relationship with us.
When my daughter got involved in this “cult” the very first thing I noticed was how cold she became to me. She was always warm, funny and very loving. I could not believe that was MY girl. Again, thanks to God I was able to get her back. Is the most disturbing thing I have ever encountered. Prayers to all.
Same exact change happened to my 20 year-old son. I have the same feeling as you do, that there’s a cult that is pushing him down a path, supported by lots of ignorant kids, but also “professionals” and others with hidden agendas.
We are going through the same thing. Our daughter is now 21 and no longer lives with us all of this looks familiar I missed as if reading from a call to Playbook give in to them when they arrive at College. after our daughter came home from freshman year shortly thereafter she picked a fight with me and I didn’t really understand what was going on. It was a really stupid fight because it was just about getting rats as pets for the next year and College. We went ahead and got them because she assured us that she had already cleared the way for them to be allowed. A month later a transgender twenty-six-year-old person picked her up while I was not at home. And shortly after that she had taken hormones and her voice was deeper at least if she made it appear that way. She insisted that this person is her friend and is just helping her stay afloat. Make no mistake this is a called and they take care of each other and these people are talking there are children, making them believe that we know nothing we don’t understand them how could we possibly understand them? The answer seems to be knocked the family out of their lives. I can tell you my youngest has been Shattered by this and we occasionally see our daughter who is now very manly dresses like a boy and still hangs out with his person and they are very close. Where do I start? We just try to keep in touch with her ask her a lot of questions and tell her that we love her and miss her.
Dear tboxwood and every other parent going through this “nightmare” with their children. I understand how y’all feel … my 22 year old daughter has been taking Testosterone shots for almost 2 years, is growing facial hair, has grown extremely “cold” to her family, and is planning on having top surgery….. There is NO pain like the pain caused by a turn of events such as this in the life of your child….
Before I found this blog, I began one of my own because I wanted to try and help other parents that are dealing with this same experience. I just wanted to invite any of you to read my blog, too. Please feel free to pass this link on to anyone who you think might benefit from it as well …
https://mythoughtsforme.wordpress.com/2017/01/02/10-things-parents-of-transgender-people-need-to-know/
Thank you for this blog article. I got a letter from my 13 year old daughter yesterday filled with information for me telling me she has “never been attracted to any guys in her entire life” and that she is technically polyromantic. She’s 13! Of course she hasn’t been attracted to guys! And, she’s not “polyromantic” – she isn’t ANY romantic – did I mention she’s 13! Everything you said in this blog about the media messages and saturation and brainwashing were what I was feeling all day. You put all of it into words. I’m just getting started on this roller coaster ride and I thank you for giving me some strength to hang on.
My daughter is also 13. She is saying similar things to me. I am at a totall loss at whatbto do.
Fight hard for her, she may be gone before you know it!
oh thank goodness I found this post, your words perfectly express what has been disturbing me! Thank you for sharing your story, you have given me the strength to stand up and do what I believe is truly right for my child.
I personally feel like your daughter just gave up trying to make you understand. I would not be surprised if after she leaves and is stable with people who would accept her she transitions. I know I would never transition with my parents knowing as they are unaccepting.
Yet another Internet parenting expert who just can’t believe that some young people actually change their minds and find peace in their bodies. It’s a good thing my daughter, and others like her, have figured out that a lifetime spent injecting drugs and haunting surgeons’ office isn’t the path she chooses.
This is for all the people who replied to dbtshrink: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. My gratitude for direction has no words. I looked at thirdwaytrans, and I like what I see–realism. I am open to all suggestions, to everything anyone has to offer, including therapists that are actually good, and don’t just sit around validating the invalid, don’t just “uh-hmmm, that must be awful” in response to every sentence uttered. If you think of anything in the future, PLEASE let me know. After what this family has survived, and the amazing positive changes that were happening for all 3 of us now, I feel so blindsided. Again, I thank you for your time, and advice.
Wow, my child is gifted and thinks she’s trans. I will check it out. Thanks
(formerly dbtshrink–who is GRATEFUL for all the support and advice)
I would like to say, that not all people who are licensed in the clinical psych field are actually ‘therapists’. In fact, I resent being called one. I feel that people who come to us don’t know what to DO about the WHAT that is going on…and that they don’t need someone to just listen and validate blindly. We lead people down a grueling path of questioning in every session–a solid 60 minutes, for one year, not to exceed 18 months (at that point, we’ve exhausted what we know of what we have in us to teach). The profession is largely a sham. Behaviorists who have the guts to question, actually TELL patients what they are missing, tell the TRUTH–and no, I am not advocating my personal values or ‘my truth’…are what is necessary. I have had so many patients whom I’ve guided to a decision that I personally wouldn’t have made for my own personal self, but that is truly right for them. A LOT of the problems that folks without severe organic disorders have are exacerbated by ‘therapists’. It’s unethical at best to keep patients in therapy for a paycheck. A reputation and one’s practice MUST be developed on one’s ability to effectively treat, and RESOLVE issues in a timely manner. This is why I struggle to find clinicians worth anything in the state. For the 35+ people we’ve helped resolve their identity issues and find peace for themselves without scarring themselves further–emotionally or physically, there’s the one that we helped transition because it was a real calling for her/him, and there was no genuine trauma, it was truly, truly right for them, it wasn’t some crusade, and his family wasn’t in shambles either. My point–I am not prejudiced against anything but fads for their own sake. For all of you who found clinicians who were worthy of their titles, I am thrilled for you and the child they helped–and I WANT to know them. I know that they are out there; they are just hard to find…we don’t need a paid ‘best friend’. We need answers on what to do, how to do it, when to do it….this is in large part, my panic. I don’t want to end up with someone who is ‘accepting’ of everything, and tries to lead me or leads him down a most torturous path forever. I want someone who will not exacerbate his traumas, and will put an end to them, before this runaway train crashes. If it sounds like I am angry…rest assured, I am–and this started 20 years ago when I saw what ‘therapists’ were doing to patients and I vowed to never be one of them. If anyone knows of a good clinician, I’ll take what referrals I can get.
I have never ever turned to the internet for answers or guidance. I consider myself unbelievably lucky to have found this resource and some logical people. Darkest Yorkshire–thanks for the resources; and I LOVE your sense of humor/outlook/vibe. Marie, THANK YOU for thirdwaytrans.
Much gratitude in advance.
Thanks, glad I could help. While I agree five sessions of psychoanalysis a week for years is excessive, I suspect funding cuts and enthusiasm for brief therapies are leading to rush jobs and contributing to the whole trans mess. I also thought for years that motivational interviewing was practically a miracle, but what would happen if it was used on somebody who thinks they are trans?
What school of psychotherapy are you from (or if you don’t like that word what would you call it)? You had DBT in your name but from what you said I would guess rational emotive behaviour therapy as well. (Note to everyone else – if I’ve guessed wrong it’s worse than misgendering and it will be swords at dawn.) 😉
Thanks everyone! After three glasses of wine I have discovered I am a non binary non conforming parent. And I am thinking if changing my name to Mario. Just adding some comic relief to this crappie trial called life.
I identify as Tyrannus the Mighty, Emperor of the World.
Well, one thing’s for sure, we are all awesome. We love our children and I do have hope we will get through this! Thanks Darkest!
Lol😂😂😂
I don’t want to make a huge rant of this or anything, but you do understand that as a teen it’s not easy to find yourself. one second you might be this then that but that’s Fine, that person is valid regardless. gender is on a spectrum, it is not just male or female. so if our daughter or son suddenly changed it doesn’t mean they were confused and that it was just a phase. their are more gender identities than just trans- I myself am gender fluid and for now I might feel like a guy and then for the rest of my life might feel like I’m a girl or vice versa or I will constantly change over the gender spectrum for the rest of my life. regardless I just want you to understand that and realize gender isn’t this whole thought out thing, it’s different for everyone. and I understand that something like paying for a gender therapist or the therapists them self being a nuisance or maybe just fear that your child would have made the ‘mistake’ of transitioning is a bit harrowing just please Realize that just because this happened to your child doesn’t mean you have reason to go against others who do feel they aren’t cis, cause as I said there is no ‘one way’ for gender. the fact that your child suddenly ‘changed their mind’ doesn’t mean that all this gender stuff is bullshit. and though I disagree with a lot of things you said I do appreciate you caring for your child in that you supported them.
also I didn’t Rea this whole articlee 1.because I very much dislike it and 2.i’m a bum
You are a WILLING victim of a terrible misleading ideology. There are two genders male and female. All these other manifestations are a fad to try and normalize transexualism, which is a real and extremely rare mentality ill condition. In 2013 this was lifted up to trangender and the condition is so disturbing to many youth that this could possibly describe them that they are told the only relief is surgery. Not true. This is a big money maker now and if I were you I would run as fast as you can. Do you want this sort of attention the rest of your life? Folks my age view this for what it is. Mental illness. Grow up and enjoy your life. You only live once.
I couldn’t agree more with you Sharon Beck!! It’s horrible to see this problem keep happening more and more with our youth. Personally affected by this with my only daughter who is 22 years old and now growing a beard :'( and talking about top surgery with her ‘doctor’ (I call a quack).
I’m glad society is quickly changing…I’m glad you all love your children and are trying. But…why must one instance change all instances? Some people are unsure, but some people feel this way all their lives.
And about injecting chemicals or making money – guess what? Normal pharmaceuticals you take come from – gasp, a MONEY MAKING industry! Have diabetes? Pharma. Money. Have cardiac problems? Pharma. MONEY. Cancer kills lots of people and treatment is chemotherapy but….gasp! That’s changing your body and injecting chemicals. MONEYYYY.
That’s how logic works, everybody. We’re all slowly dying. We only live once. Don’t punish others simply because YOU can’t process it. I know it’s hard…but so is being transgender and living knowing you’re hated.
Life is full of selfishness, no one side is purposefully punishing the other but it will appear that way when it goes against what you want. Tolorance is not acceptance, acceptance does not help those in need. If you tolorant ones choices while interjecting your view reasonably, you can persuade indaviduals to look deeper and remove emotion from logic helping them to heal them self. That is what most people here seem to be doing. Tolorant ingredients an extreme situation, while others might just remove the situation from there life all together.
I personally have yet to meet in person someone who identifys as a transgender person. I will never accept them but I will gladly tolorat and work beside them, they will have to tolorat that I view gender through biology and see them only as the gender of there birth.
Looks auto correct didn’t like me this time sorry for grammatical errors I am sure you can grasp what I said.
I could never hate my child. The thing is that my child wants to change his body all because society is telling him he us transgender. His answer to me is that he is trans because his nails grow longer had faster, because he doesn’t like sports that’s all. That is not a good enough reason. He was born at 24 weeks gestation. Weighed one pound seven ounces. His brain is still developing and has been delayed in development due to his prematurity. He just turned 15 and is just now starting to be social. My son cannot explain why he is transgender, but you and others like you believe that whatever my child wants he should get. I do not agree with your logic. I will not support his decision, however, when he is older and can afford to pay for treatments himself then I will support whatever he wants as an adult.
Hello there Fearful, thanks so much for your explanation of the role that finances play in health care. Yes, it certainly is logical that drugs and therapies cost money. It really does make sense that to have access to these things, a patient must pay for them somehow. Most adults are already pretty well aware of the fact that bills must be paid, one way or the other, regardless of what it is that we buy.
I guess I’m trying to grasp hold of the larger point, though. Is it your contention that people who question the wisdom of pediatric medical transition do so only because they believe it to be the result of an industry-wide plot, or because it is expensive? Could it be that there are other reasons to object to turning children and young people into life-long medical patients, and to channeling them into medical practices that haven’t been studied? Is it possible that a young person cannot give truly informed consent to be sterilized, or to agree to unknown effects of the off-label use of drugs? And to the larger point, is it remotely possible that wanting to help a young person overcome the impact of gender dysphoria, short of surgery and drugs, is an act of love, not “hatred”?
As to your closing point, yes, so far as we know, we only live once, at least in the forms we currently inhabit. It doesn’t strike me as unreasonable for us to argue that this “one life” should be as natural and healthy as possible, and that our children and loved ones should avoid engaging in risky and harmful behavior.
Fearful … we’re about kid/teen/young adult transition here. That’s it. No one here (well, virtually no one) says “no one should ever transition.” No one here “hates” trans people. (And no one here says trans people “don’t exist.” That’s another one we hear all the time.)
We are talking about our kids, who mostly have pre-existing mental health conditions. We’re not talking about you or your access to transition services, presuming you’re an adult. We’re not talking about punishing you. This false equivalence between “kids shouldn’t be transitioned” and “you want to punish us” is made all the time by the transactivists who leave drive-by comments here.
If you would actually spend time on this site reading the discussions you’d know that it’s a false equivalence. That’s how logic works. As you say.
If you’re a grownup, go live your life. But don’t attempt to administer the “you can’t process it” slap. We’ve processed it fine. Looked at the runaway train of kid transition, looked at the bucks behind the media push, looked at the psych industry’s not-so-hot track record with other such diagnoses (child bipolar, anyone?), looked at the lack of evidence that the treatment’s really a long-term solution for psych distress, looked at the lack of research on long-term safety. Looked at typical patterns of child development, executive function, magical thinking. impressionability, peer influence, mutability, ad infinitum.
You go do your thing, Fearful. You’ve got all the power behind you right now, you know? Our little puny voices here pose zero threat to your access to the services you may want. But don’t expect to impress us with your display of “logic.”
I agree that we’re all medicated to the hilt. Big pharma wants a pill for everything that ails us, then we need more pills for the side effects of the others. The big difference I see here is that the conditions you listed above are physical: diabetes, cardiac problems, cancer. None of these can be alleviated through talk therapy or simply growing up. Heart disease and diabetes can be improved through diet and exercise in some cases. I assume that doctors don’t jump directly to the most invasive, extreme physical treatments right away.
What other psychological condition has a lifetime of medication and major surgeries as the first line of treatment?
Yes, we’re all slowly dying. But does that mean we should do things that are self destructive? Should I smoke now because I might as well die of lung cancer? Should I drink too much because I might as well die of liver disease? Should I use heroin because I might as well die of an overdose?
Kind of silly to compare taking prescription drugs to fight diseases that can and do kill people, versus taking prescription drugs into your perfectly healthy body, because your mind is entertaining a fantasy. Can’t be someone or something that you are not.
I guess I look at it as – sure, a person may never be the opposite gender. But if you’re never going to be a millionaire, why work, right? Just because a person may not be 100% that gender doesn’t mean they can’t try to make themselves feel comfortable.
Confusedmom, I completely understand in your case why you are being apprehensive, and I actually applaud that. But there are some children / teens that can give excellent reasoning for why they feel a certain way and have even exhibited it for years. In that case, I think that some chance be given. But in your case, thank you for being careful. And I wish you all the best of luck! <3
Worriedmom – I did not mean to imply that. It just was brought up a lot that people are only trying to make money off people and not make people feel better (en contraire, doctors work to help people normally). I'm deeply sorry I came off that way.
Puzzled – Hate was an unecessary word for me to use there, and I do apologise. As for the topic of children – yes, I do understand. (What I put there may seem like a general thing, but it was moreso comparison.) I did not mean to challenge logic, either, (I was having a really terrible day) so I do apologise. I have read this website, in fact, I frequent it and I understand where you all come from. And I respect it. I'm just giving the position that if a child truly communicates for a long while that they feel a certain way, it is then time to stop challenging it so much. Small steps. I apologise for anything that may have made you feel indifferent.
TheMom – You have a very valid point. However, I rather dislike the use of the words "growing up." I really don't believe that children are entertaining a fantasy, as lovetruthcourage said, and I certainly hope not. It gets difficult to separate the borderline of genuine and abstract feelings. Some are legitimate, and some are not. And unless you feel it, you just can't know. And that is the woe of human strife.
I do truly applaud you all for being careful, and I am not here to be the far left trans activist. While I have had my trials and would love nothing but to have this issue be settled, I respect you all. Thank you for your inputs, it was highly resourceful in my understanding of you. We may not all agree – but then again, what fun would that be? No politics! (I love politics so much.)
Fearful, thank you for your clarifying remarks.
For me, the comparison between working toward being a millionaire, and working to be the opposite sex doesn’t hold up. This is because one can become closer to millionaire status, but they can not actually change sex, because sex is binary. Either one is a man or a woman. (Yes, even intersex people have a sex! They are not mythic half-and-halfs, but usually quite clearly one sex or the other, despite anomalies.) It is like being pregnant. Either a woman is pregnant or she is not. There is no “working toward” being more like pregnant. It is binary. One can work toward appearing to be more like the opposite sex, and perhaps that is what you meant. That is fine. People should be free to be any kind of men or women they want to be (assuming they are within the law.) So, we should expand our expectations for what people of either sex can do, not claim that doing something traditionally associated with the opposite sex makes people physically the opposite sex. This is a subtle but crucial distinction.
As far as feelings go, they are all legitimate, but feelings do not determine reality. Feelings showcase our relationship with reality at a point in time. Our feelings can and do change.
Hello,
So I am 50 something and easy actually a teenager myself. I remember wearing elephant pants which I never thought I would ever stop wearing. But I did. Then after I graduated high school, the boy I was in love with didn’t matter as much. There were a lot of fish in the sea, and I committed to getting a degree. Then another young man came along and I fell in love with him too. It was convenient for me to have a boy friend because honestly, I was afraid of going on dates alone. It really scared me. I had no confidence in myself besides being raised in a loving family. Then I got engaged mostly because I thought I loved him, but in reality, I was in love with the idea of being married. Most other seniors were engaged too. Then this guy just plain lied about a lot if stuff and had a really one sided idea of love. So, to everyone’s shock, we broke up. Here I was all of 24 and I had no prospects buy I was free to be me. I learned so much after 5 years in human resources. The guys I liked had no interest in me. Was I a lesbian? I had so many women ask me out, I just couldn’t figure out why. But, I knew I was not even ready for marriage anyway, so I waited. And I met my husband when I was 26. By then, I had a top ten list of what type of person I wanted to spend my life with. I after many trials that being patient was important but at the time, I thought I was in hell. I was so confused but with time, it all worked out. I was 26! I am still growing. So my point is, teenagers are fickle as are older adolescents (21). Parents like me understand the changes you undergo from puberty to 25. It’s a long process and an important one to stick out and be strong during these confusing days. I also want to mention that the movies and media I grew up with did not have all the normalizing of the behaviors of today. The oversexing of women on TV, advertising and online is really disgusting and as a mother trying to raise girls, I am really sick of it. This contagion is an attack on women by men (read Paper Genders) brought on by people who want to profit from something newly propped up born of transexualism. And unfortunately, none of this is opposed by the FDA – especially the use of testosterone on women. I have a problem with that and so should this country. These people need to see the truth and get help during these trying teenage years so their brain has time to develop and experience everything the world has to offer. Women are getting hurt in the process, and it’s not just a few broken bones, it’s permanent long term consequences. So, in the meantime, how about we encourage martial arts? Let these women find out what their bodies can do with strength. Maybe after that, they will stand up for their health and say no thanks, my soul mate is waiting for me. Wait. Please if you are contemplating this, wait and try doing something productive in society. Serve others and stop thinking about yourself. Being a victim is not productive.
6You know, the martial arts REALLY worked for me!!!I was ALWAYS tomboyish and under a therapists care till we moved from NYC to Colorado. But thank goodness I didnt have to see a psyche anymore and hot into skiing, ice hockey and especially the martial arts, a lifelong niche for me instead! Got in touch with my body, my strength, my power and at 21 got my BlackBelt AND came out as a Butch Lesbian!!!
Ive taught many womyn self defense and to connect with the strength and sheer ppwer in their FEMALE bodies and connect with their Amazonian Power!!!
Excellent suggestion! Sure worked for me
Fearful, I thought your “millionaire” comment was really interesting, but maybe not in the way that you think.
It seems to me that a lot of trans folks do view “becoming” the other sex as a “project.” “Something to work on” and all that. It’s like there is a transgender ladder, and a person is making progress as long as he or she is consistently climbing the steps, moving forward towards the big day. There are tangible, achievable, incremental steps and a lot of company and encouragement while you are taking them. “What am I going to do with my life?” is a big hard question, and I can see that “become the opposite sex” seems to be the answer for many.
Everybody has to have a purpose, I get that. I’m not particularly criticizing your purpose, except that it would seem to me, at the end of the day, you’ll still be stuck in there with yourself. Your external world will change, once people see and treat you as the other sex (if they do, which is a whole other story), and perhaps some of your internal world will change, too, as hormones do their work on your brain. I would bet, though, that the core of your personality, the things that make “you – you” will still be there. And, unless every single one of your problems and issues stemmed from the fact that you were in the “wrong” body, most of them will come along for the ride, too. So once you are “on the other side” of transitioning, it will become apparent that a lot of the things you may have wanted to change, are still there (and the corollary being, you could have changed them without transitioning).
In a way I would compare transition to people who lose massive amounts of weight. In almost every story of such a person, he or she will say, “I thought losing weight would solve all my problems, and I was pretty disappointed when it didn’t.” And losing weight is something that, objectively speaking, leads to better health, as opposed to transition which is problematic at best for health.
It’s not really a project – it’s moreso a dream that one wishes to chase. And it’s possible. I understand defending your children at teenage years but no matter what you do if they feel strongly enoguh about this, they will do it one day.
What is possible? Changing one’s sex? No, that is NOT possible.
I think calling transition a dream versus calling it a project is primarily a question of semantics. No matter what you call it, when you get to the other side, you’ll still have all your old issues and problems.
And, actually, becoming the other sex is not achievable. If you have the predisposition to resemble the other sex, and lots of very expensive treatment, you’ll pass for some of the people some of the time. That is the best you can expect. Look at Caitlyn Jenner: if money could buy the perfect transformation, it would have – but it’s obvious that it didn’t.
It is also stunningly obvious to the parent of any “adult children” that in all matters of adult life they will, in fact, do as they please. This does not mean as parents we cease to have any meaningful input, nor that it is our duty at that point, or any other, to sit down and shut up – no matter what the trans lobby would prefer.
@worriedmom – Interesting how your mind saw ‘fearful’s millionaire’ comment. The first thing that hit MY mind was the ‘project’ aspect also. My introverted young 20 year old had trouble completing, doing, following through, then found these young ‘bedroom dwellers’ that would walk her through a new ‘project’ on YouTube. The project of recognizing since she didn’t “fit in” then she must “CHANGE soon” – and they have the step by step – basically her first chance at success – with goals – 1) hide those uppers – next goal – [even though gender is fluid] – 2) dress and hair style like a boy [whatever that means…right?] – TWO GOALS accomplished! – OK – next step – 3) Get a baseball cap and try to “pass”. Wait, pass as what? I thought gender was in the mind….oh, nevermind…. 4) Threaten suicide & find a complicit therapist scared to say anything anti-transgender…. [talking points, click her for my blog on what to say] 5) Address family who still does not understand [poor idiots: Please see my blog on ‘science facts’ that can’t be traced to their origin] 6) Force purchase of surgery and drugs to finally make you the real you…since obviously you are a freak in current form.
My sweet daughter got plenty of encouragement, but found real life “projects” were hard…and she failed a lot. Much like I did at her age. She had sisters around her that made life look easy, much like I did at that age. The difference is, I did not have a social MACHINE of propaganda like the Internet telling me my differences and insecurities could NOT be overcome outside of changing to a different sex…that OTHER sex I was uncomfortable with. This is a ‘project’ my daughter cannot fail, because it is a project of SELF DESTRUCTION.
Think about it. You have a real good chance at failing to become “wealthy”, but if you decide to start today destroying your identity…you really have NO CHANCE of failure. It is the perfect project. You will succeed. 🙁
This is a reply to South of Gravity; not sure if the reply will nest correctly.
Anyway, interesting take on transition being an achievable goal with easy-to-follow steps for guaranteed success. I hadn’t thought of it that way before, but totally get it. I makes me think of scientology, which has page after page of written steps the indoctrinated must follow (for just about every situation) to guarantee success. I have also seen a similar comparison to violent street gangs, which adhere to very strict rules and expectations. Follow their rules and you will be an accepted member of their “family.” It seems that some people have such a need to belong, or are so in need of someone to dictate the steps they must follow each day, that they are wiling to give themselves up to destructive groups in order to belong, or experience success, or be given some sort of ordered steps to follow in their lives.
Sorry, Fearful. There are always options in the health arena too. Just as with the trans lie, you have the right to choose what you want to do with all the negative aspects of it. As a matter of fact, many in the trans movement toward our kids do not TELL them what negative aspects are going to be incurred by them psychologically, and mentally and still, socially. It will never end. By the way, does anyone think that the best reason to stay binary is that God made us who we are and that is good enough for me, what about you? Yay, God! He knew what he was doing, and didn’t make a mistake. No road down life is easy.
Thank you
thank you! Me too!
Feisty, you just made my day! Thank you. And thank God for our awesome women’s bodies! I had a really bad night last night and have been in a very dark place worrying about my daughter’s body for a year and a half. Peace to you!
High kicks!
My niece has gone from a very girly girl wearing makeup and having long hair to chopping her hair off and wearing a binder overnight. She has ADD and gets no support from her parents. She never gave me the impression that she was in the wrong body. She is obsessed with social media. She is very tall and has a body that is much more mature. I feel like part of this might not be wanting to deal with this attention getting body. I also dont think she understands sexual identity vs sexual orientation. It happened so fast and I feel there is an underlying issue that has nothing to do with gender identity. Her sister went through a similar phase. I dont think a teenager wearing a binder is a good idea. They pose various safety issues and I feel like she is too young to decide to damage her body. These articles are very helpful. I am very supportive of LGBTQ community. I also know that it is disrespectful to assign yourself these roles if they are not authentic. The struggles are real and not everyone want to hug and support you. I really hope my niece can work through things and figure out her truth. I just want her to be happy. She seems the same as always and I will love her no matter what. Thanks for the article.
My daughter also announced at nearly 15 that she is male. She “realised” this during a presentation at school on transgender kids, which was full of inaccuracies. She had never expressed being male before this. She liked to play with cars and soft toys and dolls as a young child, and loved lego when she was older. She preferred wearing jeans and t-shirts as she got older, but often wore dresses and skirts when she was younger. She interpreted this as being transgender with heavy indoctrination by the program at school. She has cut her hair short and is wearing male clothing, which I am fine with. However she is breast binding, which worries me a lot, but I felt I had to give somewhere, or our relationship would suffer. After a month I convinced her to wear it for 8 hours or less a day, and next I am going to try and convince her to wear the safer option, which is a sports compression top. I have spoken to her about the inaccuracies in the information she was given, but at her age, what teachers/internet says weighs more than what parents say. I can only hope that we manage to keep her away from hormones until she is old enough to really know herself, which to me is at about 25. I feel as if I am in a nightmare, but trying to put the emphasis on living life and not concentrating on this issue, as my daughter does tend to be obsessive and has high functioning autism/Aspergers. My husband feels the same way, but both of us also fear the high suicide attempt rate, the pressure of society to go along with transitioning, as well as a breakdown in our relationship with our daughter.
I would sue the school for their damaging and inaccurate presentation that caused these damages to my child. Maybe just the threat of a lawsuit will get them to reconsider this extreme social engineering. Our healthy kids need to hear that they are just fine the way they are. They do NOT need drugs and surgeries to alter perfectly healthy bodies in order to conform to extreme sexist stereotypes. The stereotypes need to change, not kids’ bodies!
I agree. Get rid of gender stereotypes.
My daughter also has high functioning Aspergers/ASD and confusion regarding gender is common with that condition. I personally would not care at all and have always had many gay friends throughout my life as well as people who were obviously transgender in the traditional sense. That is all part of the human condition, two spirit people and all that. But this is different than medically mutilating her body, which is what she is proposing to do once she is 16 and can apparently legally do so under Medicare. I told her I loved her and would always support her, but that I felt this would be a huge mistake and could ruin he happiness. Her response is that I would just have to learn to fix my way of thinking. The worst thing is that my ex-wife (and even my current girlfriend) is openly supportive of all of this idiocy. And my thought is, where did we get to as a society where doing this surgery was even legal, much less subsidised? It is really terrible what the medical industry is doing to human bodies. Why can’t we use all this intelligence and creativity to instead solve our civilisation destroying ecological overshoot. Our priorities as a society have completely degenerated to this cult of the individual self which leads us to damage even our precious bodies. This is really tragic.
I feel your pain. Apparently, according to my 15 year old’s psychologist, my daughter is not thinking of surgery, but I suspect she will when she is old enough, as she told me she was going to have ‘top’ surgery one day when she first ‘came out’ to us. My daughter also has high functioning Aspergers/ASD. This article is very helpful: http://news.nationalpost.com/full-comment/susan-bradley-how-trans-activists-are-unethically-influencing-autistic-children-to-change-genders
They get sold about miraculous surgery on the internet. They don’t think for a minute that they might change their minds, acquire an infection that may need antibiotics for the rest of their lives to keep at bay; and the result may not be that great. They are not told that changing sex (because that is what they are trying to do; gender is an abstract construct) is a never-ending and impossible task. They are not told that distress, depression and suicidal ideation continues post surgery and hormones.
They are not told about the side-effects of hormones on the internet. And when the specialists finally do tell them, they are so indoctrinated they will probably hear, but not listen.
They are not told how lonely the life of a transgender person can be.
All we can hope for are miracles. One particular one is that professionals will start to have second thoughts about it all, as they question the present epidemic. Especially surgery before the age of 25, when the brain is fully developed. But also with people who clearly have other problems.
One glimmer of hope, is that even on the internet, there is a call to abolish “genderism”. A call for people to be who they are, in mind, body and soul/spirit. Acceptance of self and others.
I am so grateful to have stumbled upon this. My newly 13 year old told me half way through this school year that she is transgender and that she has dysphagia. This blind sided me. Never has she shown tendencies of a male. She is now trying to convince me that she needs to speak to a Gender Therapist. Everything in my being is telling me not to do it. I feel like she is wanting this to help validate her being transgender. The school counselor seems to fuel the fire already. A month ago She was back to being a girl, wearing make-up, dressing like a girl for a week. Them the counselor started pulling her out of class to see how she’s was doing. Very next week she is now a boy again..I am at a loss as what to do. Just last week she told me that she is also gender fluid. So she can be a boy but also, for example, get acrylic nails. I am convinced that her peers, media, internet have put these ideas in her head. I take comfort in knowing that other parents are dealing with the same thing. Biting my nails waiting to see if this is a faze.
CALL THE PRINCIPAL RIGHT AWAY. SAY ANYTHING TO KEEP THAT SCHOOL STAFF AWAY FROM HER.SHE IS AN ACTIVIST. THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO MY DAUGHTER AND NOW SHE’S GONE. CITE MENTAL ABUSE AND REPORT IT AS CHILD ABUSE RIGHT AWAY.SHES A MINOR SO SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO SEE HER ALONE WITHOUT PARENTS CONSENT. IF THEY DON’T COMPLY, MOVE HER OUT OF THE SCHOOL AFTER REPORTING HER TO THE STATE AUTHORITY.
If she thinks she is gender fluid she is unlikely to do anything drastic like hormones or surgery, so maybe not such a bad thing. Hopefully, she keeps thinking she is gender fluid until she is old enough to see through all this brainwashing.
100% NO GENDER THERAPIST!!!!
I have come through to the other side!!! My daughter is back to being herself….
The gender therapists just made it worse!!!
I am due to write a big blog, but for now…please stay away from them!!!! They are not trained to see all the sides!!! I sat in on a few training sessions of student wanna-be gender therapists/ therapists trying to gain their certif in that area, and could not believe that they found my story of me not agreeing w my daughters self diagnosis to be normal. They were trying to convince me that she was simply “on the spectrum” and that it might be me not allowing her to explore.
Well FUCK THEM!!!!! She is 100% back!!!! She NEVER talks about that time period….one full year… Sheer hell for me and my husband…
W no education, we allowed for the social transition. As much as I regretted doing that, I am not going to say that it did not help her. I really don’t know how things would have ended up had she not. She might have just moved on to the next stupid thing the internet was telling her to do.
Stay strong. Support your daughter. Tell her you love her. Watch her.
NO Gender therapists!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my gosh, I’m sitting at work crying reading your comment, and I also got chills. I can only dream of the day that (hopefully) my daughter will come through to the other side. I’m a bit different from most of the parents on here because my daughter is 19, living at home. She’s working full time but does not have a car yet, or a license. She recently announced that she thinks she’s trans and wishes she had been born a boy. She wants to see a gender therapist, but I have drawn a line in the sand. I will NOT take her to see one, nor will I help her in any way if she ever talks about taking hormones. Do,these kids not realize that they are setting themselves up to become permanent medical patients?! On drugs forever? For what reason? Because they “wish” to be a different sex? No matter what they do to their bodies, they will ALWAYS be the sex they were born as! You cannot change your genes. If my daughter ever starts talking about taking hormones I will have to ask her to leave the house. It would not be because I don’t love her. I love her soooo much and we have always been best buddies, but I could not stand by and watch her destroy her lovely body on a whim. I hope I can ride this storm out Andrew mentally stay in one piece. Thanks for your comment. It gives me hope.
That was supposed to say *and mentally stay in one piece.
Dear All,
I feel very lucky to have discovered this blog about other parents who are following their gut about their children not being transgender. My daughter is a wonderful, compassionate, bright, big thinking lovely young lady of 17 years old. During her life, I often described her as being one of the happiest people I have every met. We have always had such a close bond and share a great respect for one another. This was until a year ago. I have had to watch a slow, painful squashing of one of the brightest spirits I have ever known. My daughter went from a person who adored the outdoors and every living critter and plant in it, was physically athletic, sang easily, smiled frequently, was compassionate and caring to others and was openly affectionate to her family and friends. I am not sure exactly what happened, but a slow downward progression started and her hobbies and interests simply stopped. She became truly like a recluse who only wanted to play video games and stay in her room. No outdoors, no sports, no more attending church, no happy singing. No amount of encouragement or motivation or discussion made a difference. During this time, I discovered that she was wearing a binder. That is when she told me that she thought she was transgender. I have to say that I was so saddened for her and for any other young person who wears a binder because they are simply another form of self destruction. On a female, if they are worn long enough, they will completely deform their breasts, they can cause breathing difficulties, can break ribs which can puncture lungs, can cause terrible long-term posture problems which can lead to life long health issues. My daughter has a heart condition which was extremely exacerbated by wearing the binder. Her cardiologist and myself weren’t aware she was wearing one and he couldn’t figure out why her condition wasn’t improving at all, to the point where he considered putting a 16 year old on beta blockers. It was because her torso was so compressed that during any physical activity, she would become faint, dizzy and nauseous and her heart rate would sky rocket. It happened so frequently that her school had an “action plan” in case she had to be rushed to the ER. It is such a horribly sad thing to hate oneself to the point of self injury, and binders promote self loathing, not self esteem. With much encouragement and, I was able to have my daughter not hurt her body any longer by wearing a binder and believe it or not, her heart improved.
My daughter has a number of friends who support her decision to become a FTM. They are only children and don’t fully understand the life long destruction and negative implications this would have on her. After college, they will all have their own careers and lives and will most likely forget all about her and the carnage they supported. I have never known more pain than to watch a truly beautiful (inside and out) young lady slowly be convinced that she should no longer be a girl because she is strong and smart and an analytical thinker and likes the color blue. It is amazing to me that the trans activists and my daughter’s friends feel that only males can be strong and smart and analytical thinkers, and not girls. Talk about shoving someone into a tight stereotypical gender confining box! For example, they are telling young people, if a boy likes to play with dolls and likes the color pink, that means he must be a girl, he’s in the wrong body, he’s the wrong gender….instead of simply understanding that it is a boy who likes to play with dolls and likes the color pink. Do the trans activists not see how gender confining their paradigm is?
I am still on this road with my daughter and have shared with her my feelings, facts and fears. She knows that I love her unconditionally, but it is my job as her parent to keep her from harm. The route that trans activists promote is one of great harm to our young people. They are suggesting that we encourage stunting their puberty, and mutilating their body parts. Being transgender would affect their families, friends, career and housing opportunities, not to mention an increased risk of severe depression and a higher likelihood of suicide. No matter how many hormones a young person takes or how many surgeries they undergo, they cannot and will not ever change their chromosomal, genetic makeup, nor their brain matter. An XX can never be an XY, or vice versa, ever. So how horrible for that poor person who has been deceived and exploited by doctors, activists, etc. when after their initial euphoria, discover that they are still a male or a female and that their biology will not and cannot be changed.
Just know that I continue to love and hug and spend time with my wonderful daughter every day. I tell her that I am proud of her, and that I am privileged to be her mom. I also pray for her and for her friends. They are all too precious to lose. This has been the hardest road I have ever walked and continue to walk, but I will never give up on my child. Not even an option. And, I will always continue to be strong, resourceful and fearless for her and to continually tell her that those attributes don’t belong to one gender only.
I myself have traumatic brain injury 6 years now due to drunk driver. My child who is 14 sent me a text on the way to school telling she was maybe transgender. I was floored and hurt, hurt mostly by the fact it was texted and not told to me face to face. Me and my child were always very close, could talk about anything until this. She has a so called friend who said was transgender and taking meds, my half sister said said her son now daughter is transgender and she also is doing meds and dresses like and claims to be a girl. My child is in hospital now due to cutting herself. As soon as I found out we went within a short hour, she said she felt it was best. I myself am not pro transgender, pro abortion, pro anything if asked but I am pro God…if that makes sense. She may get out soon, may not. Im learning all about the influences out there for teens. So overwhelming. When home cell phone and computer time will be limited, cell phone will be taken away cause friends have been a great influence also. She will have to learn you earn these with respect, honesty, positiveness, with how much time she is given. Im the parent, she is the child. I’ve always been very open to communication and all the sudden I have had coldness from her for like 8 months. This is a very bright child like A -B student, loves art. I would love input just to hear and learn 🙂
Thank you so much for writing this! We are going through the same issue with my stepdaughter. A year ago she was wearing dresses and makeup, and now she’s decided she’s a boy. It’s frustrating and sad for us because she hates her old pictures, hates being called by her name and hates when we use she/her pronouns. However, we refuse to go along with it. With all the crap on the internet I’ve been beginning to feel like I’m the only one who feels this way – so thank you again for this. It gives me some hope.
Seems like there are so many of us worrying ourselves sick over this latest cult. If these children were just exploring their identities by wearing whatever clothes and hairstyles they choose to wear, that would be fine. But how can you work out your sexual identity if you are taking puberty blockers, then cross-hormones? Puberty blockers stop your sex drive. Cross-hormones influence your sex drive. Then the next thing is surgery before your frontal lobes have fully developed (at 25). We are going to have a lot of angry and depressed 30 to 40 year olds in a few decades, that is for sure. A lot of lawsuits.
Thank you for writing this. Our story is so similar that I could have written it.
When I was 13 I decided I was a boy. For a year I spoke in a deeper voice, only wore my Dad’s clothese, and would only respond to the nae Norman.
A year or so later I decided I was a girl again. I’ve been a girl ever since.
I’m so glad that my parents allowed me to explore without telling me my fantasies were true. It’s so scary to even consider what may have happened.
Thank you for this blog. The children need your voice.
Thank you for sharing this with us!
Yes, it’s been very parent’s nightmare when you son or daughter telling you they want to transition. I wish the therapist not to jump to the conclusion suggest transition is the right thing to do ….
I’m so glad I found this blog. My 12 year old daughter says she is a boy now and wants to be called Alex. I am not convinced this is true. She says we make her feel uncomfortable bc we won’t call her he or Alex. I’ve heard from the therapist and it’s come out of her mouth also, that suicide is a greater risk for kids who don’t have support. But I cannot support this. I feel in my gut she is going through something deeper. We lost her older brother almost 3 years ago and I don’t think she’s really dealt with the grief. Her band name is her brothers band name, her Instagram name is my sons YouTube name. There are so many things she’s doing that point to him. I don’t know, maybe I’m grasping for straws here. I hate the sick feeling in my stomach that’s there the moment I wake up. I just don’t know what to do here. I’m thankful to be able to read all these posts though. Thank you.
I would look twice at that therapist. It is cruel to try to manipulate parents like that! Besides, not drinking the trans Kool-ade =/= not having support. Sometimes we support people by helping them deal with their deep underlying issues, not by getting distracted by surface topics. You appear to be doing this, and grief counseling, not gender therapy, is likely in order. You are a good parent to be concerned.
I applaud your reaction to your little girl. Like you, I have a daughter who believes she’s supposed to be a boy. She, however, is 22 years old now and began taking testosterone injections when she was 20. Now, my little girl is growing facial hair, is called the name she went to the courthouse to get legally, and is talking about having top surgery 😢 My Elizabeth Ann has all but disappeared, and my Mama’s heart is broken. I honestly believe my daughter’s problem with her body has to do with the molestation and rape she endured as a small child of 9 and 10 years old. She has never faced what happened to her, and sometimes I wonder if she ever will.
Hopefully, you can get some good therapy for your little girl ❤
I’m sorry for your pain. Why oh why is it so easy for our female babies to get access to body-morphing testosterone. It is shocking and I had no idea when I sent my kid to college how easy all of this would be. She had doubts I know, but on campus the doubts disappeared. When will the people in power who control access to T start waking up. These young women need counseling.
I agree with you Nervous Wreck .. it seems like the college campus empowers our children to do whatever they want to, especially in the area of their sexuality. I’ve actually been told that I’m a terrible mother because I refuse to change the pronouns I use when I speak to my own child!! I just don’t fit in with the world today .. I love my daughter … I always have and I always will. No amount of Testosterone can ever “change” the fact that she’s still my baby girl. She may never look like my little girl again, but that’s who she’ll always be…
Hello everyone. I have been reading all of your posts and just know that I am thinking of you and praying. Please do not underestimate the love your daughters have for you and what you say does matter. How it’s said is also important. I am taking the Columbo route and it seems to be working and since my daughter is not living with me any more I am extra careful about how I say things. Somewhere along the line she lost her trust in us and though I don’t understand it, I am gentle about how I ask questions. As my daughter’s health and weight gain scare me, this is a path she needs to walk through. It’s a dark path. She communicates often and comes over at least once a month which is great. I am sure she sees the worry on our faces. She is dirt poor as she decided to be financially independent – the trans community at college help each other. So, it’s an expensive process and eventually I am hoping she decides to let it go. Statistics are on our side if you think about it. I have read a lot of books (Boundaries, Dark Nights of the Soul by Thomas Moore- beware there is a paragraph in there about his respect for a transgender person that I believe was probably a bonafide transexual)and a host of other books about the spirituality part of this. I also wrote a short story with a happy ending (not published). Keeping busy with my family, service and loving my other children as deeply as humanly possible has transformed me into a better person. So, when the time comes, I am ready for “the talk” which I hope comes before Christmas. Regarding college, it’s time to look closely because the big cities encourage them to ditch their parents and even go behind their backs with regards to insurance. So, commute or find a private college if you can that doesn’t offer easy and direct support (ie- not close to a hospital within walking distance). One thing I am not going to do is pretend that she’s something she isn’t. I can’t do that. I am respectful but I am not cooperating with the name game or the pronoun game. When she’s in my house, she’s my daughter and I am not going to apologize for who I am. Let’s hope the new administration starts taking some steps against this. Respect is a mutual thing, not to be obtained or demanded, it is earned. In the meantime my only advice is to keep the conversation going, even if it’s about the weather. Any connection is good.
Thank you for this; I cried reading it. My husband and i are going through this right now with our youngest and we are beside ourselves. This has been going on 2 years and started much in the same way, reading about the new “normal” and why transgender teens are the most brave and beautiful (in society’s eyes).
She started seeing a gender therapist on her own (free clinic and she was able to sign herself up) and it has made things worse. It was so sudden and out of the blue and are overwhelmed by it. This has caused a rapid decline in mental health and her depression is taking over her life. It almost feels like the therapists perpetuate this by telling her how all transgender teens suffer from depression because society is against them, blah,blah and tell her it’s okay to feel the way she does.
It’s a struggle you can’t talk to anyone about else you are labeled “phobic” and basically a horrible parent
I’m grateful I came across this blog. We have a 17 year old daughter who dresses quite boyish, cut her long hair to shoulder length, and told me again today that she is changing her name when she’s 18 (in 3 months). She said it would make it easier for her for me to just help her do it before she’s 18 and said I was selfish (one of her friend’s parents apparently did that, good grief). She has gone by the name she likes for a couple of years now, and it’s not that I don’t like the name (it even kind of fits her), it’s just that I’ve known her by her birth name for 17 years and it’s a beautiful name. I am going to have a conversation about her changing it before she graduates (she’ll be a senior in September) and how that may affect her graduation announcements and family members and friends we’ve known for years. I am inclined to tell her that if she does change it before graduation, then she can also be in charge of buying and mailing the announcements out. Many kids today are so self centered and have an attitude of ungratefulness and disregard for others feelings (mine included). It’s quite frustrating but I do agree with others who have said we need to trust our parental instincts and not give in to their every whim and desire and ride out the struggles they’re going through and be there for them as parents, not friends. There’s time to be friends when they’re older.
Yes…”Many kids today are so self centered and have an attitude of ungratefulness and disregard for others feelings”.
I finally got an email from my almost 20-year-old transman “son” today only because of wanting help with something. I have to still be there for my child, but too bad I am still crying 2 years later.
Hugs…
I totally agree Terese! My daughter did the same thing. I tried to convince her to start her “new life” after she graduated but I didn’t win that battle. Though during the ceremony they used her new name, one part of the documents was in the old name and the other in the new name…she was totally upset that they were different but not much you can do about it at that point.
I know exactly how you feel and it is difficult for parents, especially mothers I think, to flip a switch and start using a different name and pronouns for a child after 17 years (or in my case almost 18 years because it was a week before her birthday). My daughter also had a beautiful name, including the middle name which I gave her in honour of my grandmother.
It is very true that kids have no respect or regard for anyone’s feelings and it is all about them! I wish you all the best and hope things work out between you and your daughter. It’s been months since mine has spoken to me but I keep hoping as she/he gets older and more mature that we can have some sort of relationship. Be strong!
My heart breaks reading stories here, but also give me hope. Six months ago, my 15 year old handed me a letter which told us that she is gender fluid. She had told us several months prior that she is asexual. The next several weeks put me in a tailspin as we tried to figure out how to bring her back. Online influences are powerful and she was getting support from her friends (all girls Catholic school) Initially, she told us that calling her she caused her pain,she wanted to wear more boys clothes and at some point she would like to get a binder. She wanted to cut her hair, which she did and actually is quite flattering but the deal was she had to listen to our stylist on what would best (if I was paying). I bought her a few men’s shirts (which I hate, but refrain from commenting) but continues to wear dresses and pink clothes too. I informed her that her wardrobe will not be replaced, she has perfectly fine and nice clothes. She says she is attracted to boys, but is still asexual. Our plan for the summer was to keep her very busy so she is offline, not criticize her appearance, and sign her up for camps that get her outside and active. She goes to tennis camp next month. We decided to ride it out and be patient. She knows we will not call her by another name, use the ridiculous pronouns or agree to anything that will change her body (binder). I thought things were calming down, however this week, she was invited to a school friend’s house to meet another friend Alex because she thought they would be cute together. On the ride over I learn that Alex is a transgender boy. When I questioned my daughter “I thought you liked boys” she responded that they are a boy. I met this kid and she is a girl. Now they have been texting constantly and it is making me crazy. Although I have all the control over whether she sees this person, I am afraid they are “dating.” How do I limit her contact online? Impossible.
Trying to understand why this is happening now, she has developed pretty significant anxiety as a high school freshman. She does extremely well in school and is active in activities, but now has little self esteem and self confidence. She is seeing a therapist for this and she is testing her for ADD. Considering that her lack of confidence is tied to her wanting to blend in as agender so no one notices her and judges her.
I think what these kids don’t understand is that they actually stick out more by being transgender. My daughter is 20 and identifies as male. She wears a binder, wears men’s pants and her shirts are all t-shirts (she wears mostly male but some female because she hates tight fighting clothing due to her aspergers). She no longer shaves her legs or armpits and has short hair. When we go anywhere many people look at her with a puzzled expression on their face. I can only assume they are trying to determine if she is male or female. She doesn’t notice these things again due to her aspergers but I notice them and it makes me hurt for her. It’s very hard.
here here. it breaks me up when people in shops etc say him, her err, to my 12 year old. we recently had a conversation with school about which high school, and our daughter finally gave a hint that she understood that she understands that being trans at school isn’t an easy path. We’re still struggling. I did buy a binder a year ago before her breasts had developed much and told her a week ago I won’t be buying again and she seems to be wearing sports bras and answering to her given name again. as an academic psychologist I need to be gentle with my child about the research into detransitioning (50% of girls who’d shown gender dysphoria since early childhood desist. this wasn’t the case with our child. it was entirely inspired by the internet at age 11 by a precocious friend who actually cut her off for being trans). Stay strong. You’re doing all the right things. our girl has been in NHS UK therapy 2 years now and gotten worse, self harming and anorexia (as the online ftm community insist on) gotten much worse. as parents we are finally facing it down. how much worse can it be? stay strong. this group is behind you. Having an unhappy teen/preteen shows that they reject the disgusting sexualisation of everything and reject the porn star/ cheer leader image that seems so dominant now. I have hundreds of 18-21 year old students having breast implants, lip fillers, botox (?!) . intelligent kids reject this. it’s just horrible that the trans subculture and psychotherapy industry is all to ready to supply an alternative. what happened to strong women?
Hi, does she attend an Ursuline Academy? If so, that’s where my oldest got all the gender ideas in the first place. My second daughter was just crushed by this because she was witnesses to staff members encouraging it through a club. Feel free to contact me.
No she does not..
Hi, I had a look at the studies that you linked to when you said “even though key researchers have said over and over again that most gender dysphoric kids ‘desist’ and grow up to be gay or lesbian.” I noticed these were all studies of prepubescent children. Since your story is about a teenager, I was curious if you have any references to studies of the persistence of transgender feelings in gender dysphoric teens?
Research will only be able to be conducted on the persistence of the present generation of children and adolescents, who are being influenced by social media, the internet and school curriculums, in about 10-20 years time?
I don’t think there is much. At this point, transgender medicine is mostly experimental on teens, as it is on younger kids. For example, there are no studies showing that females who go on testosterone at age 13 or 14 are healthy adults at age 65 or 75, after five or six decades of consistent testosterone use. Yet doctors are quick to put girls on a lifelong regimen of testosterone, a drug which is causing health problems (along with resulting lawsuits) in men who supplement with it — and I will go so far as to assume that male bodies are better equipped to handle testosterone than female bodies.
Studies would be great, but they’re mostly nonexistent. This is why the studies referenced in this article are used so often — there isn’t much else to go on. Apparently, much of our current medical society is OK with using our kids as human guinea pigs. Perhaps they’re waiting for more lawsuits to be filed before taking a cautious approach.
I loved reading your blog. I’m going to be hated by whomever reads this. My 14 yes 14 year old daughter has decided she wants to be trans. She’s insisting I buy her a binder and male clothes. I refuse to. I do not want to encourage her and this whole thing is not sitting well with me at all. I want to DISCOURAGE her so if anyone reads this that isn’t going to point fingers and abuse me verbally that has ideas on how to discourage this then let me know. I have nothing against trans so don’t because I don’t want that for my daughter that I must be trans-phobic. I am not. Going from girl to boy at her age is a little extreme when she never ever displayed such ideas growing up. She’s always been a girly girl. Until she started high school and now that’s all changed. Anyways I want to discourage her so please give me advice.
Thanks
Dear Lily – welcome to the blog. As we say, glad you found us, sorry you had to.
We certainly aren’t going to hate you here! All of us know how it feels to be the odd person out, and to feel it is not safe to share our thoughts and feelings with our nearest and dearest. Being the trans-skeptical parent of a trans child, teen or young adult is a very lonely place to be.
I cannot give you advice and guarantee it will work. We all are fumbling our way around in a dark room. I can tell you that you are not wrong to feel as you do, and can validate that you are right to be concerned about your daughter’s physical and mental health. With that said…
Many parents have found that, while their child is still at home, they are within their rights and in fact it is smart to set reasonable limits on their child’s behavior. You would not let your daughter smoke, or drink, or drive, or get a tattoo, at her age. Setting that limit is not mean or stomping on her feelings, it it to keep her safe. Similarly, setting a boundary that she will not be permitted to undergo permanent medical changes (e.g. puberty blockers, hormones, surgery) while she is underage or on your insurance plan is, to my mind anyway, a reasonable limit. Wearing a binder is very unhealthy for growing breast tissue, and again, it is a safety as well as a psychiatric issue.
Helping your daughter to step away from the screens, back into normal life, and into as many non-gender-related and healthy activities as possible, seems to be key. Where the kids do seem to fall prey to the trans-activists so easily, is when they feel friendless, bored, lonely, and desperately want to fit in with a group. Perhaps you might encourage her to build new, solid relationships through a church youth group, or Scouts, or school clubs (not GSAs!), or through some form of community activism, or local sports teams. It is also helpful, as I say, to avoid any focus on gender or gender issues. I have found that it’s best just not even to talk about it unless the issue is forced. Other moms have found it helpful to share videos from de-transitioners; that has not worked for me but you know your daughter and I don’t, so you might try it.
Good luck to you and stay strong. Your daughter is worth it!
Lily, I believe the best way is to stay calm and take the Columbo approach and ask some open ended questions: How did she come to this conclusion? Who else in her friend group is on the same route? Why does she think this especially since your experience says the opposite. Why does she think this? And then, look at what she’s viewing on her phone/computer and put limits there. High school was a huge problem – and ours went to a private all girl school but I would check there into the clubs and see what they support. My oldest supported gender identity and health class learned all about this stuff. And try not to panic. Show her some facts – like wearing a binder is dangerous. There are some pretty scary videos out there. Is she depressed? Does she fit in socially? Are there extra curricular activities outside of school that she could do? If the school is supporting this, I would switch schools because they tend to go behind your back if they are an activist. Regarding computer controls, OPEN DNR is a good one – it’s about $20 a year. Who are her friends? Anyway, try not to panic but get to the bottom of it with the who, what, where, when questions. And inform her of the facts that this is a mental disorder – does she want to be a medical patient? I hope that helps and if she is at Ursuline Academy – they encourage this. Unfortunately, it’s not going to go away. I would suggest trying to keep her really busy – plays, soccer, kick boxing, anything that will just keep her so busy she can’t do much else. You are in a great place so please, don’t worry about being hated. And stay on the same page as your spouse. Avoid gender therapists. Most are activists. Turns out my own daughter had this idea in her head when she was 15. Everyone knew but us, including the school staff, friends and even her psychologist. They kept it from us even though she was a minor. There are good therapists out there, but most do not have “gender specialists” on their business card. I have a good one in Ohio that my oldest sister went to that really helped support her in the midst of her sister’s disappearance. I believe if this was real, as moms, we would have seen it coming when they are toddlers and it appears that the studies conclude this as well. I am not in charge of this blog, just a mom trying to cope and help support other moms.
Lily, welcome. The parents here completely understand your stance on this issue. Don’t worry, no hate. Based upon what you’ve written, it certainly sounds as though this is a phase for your daughter, or social contagion, or a cry for help, or a desire to be special, different or part of a clique. There are lots of reasons teen girls suddenly claim a trans identity.
One difficult aspect of this parenting situation is getting professionals to see what we are seeing (a huge teen trend) and getting professionals to agree to help our kids dig deep to the root of their feelings, rather than automatically affirming kids as trans and starting them on the road to medical transition. Another thing which makes this situation so difficult, is that although trans is likely a phase for many of these “sudden-onset” teens, we can’t just sit back and wait for them outgrow it. We are in something of a race against the clock, as we must guide our kids out of this phase before they do permanent damage to their bodies. Yet, attempting to rush the process can backfire and cause kids to dig their heels in more firmly.
You’ve gotten good advice already, but I will add this recent article from Lisa Marchiano over that The Jung Soul. http://thejungsoul.com/new-guidance-for-rapid-onset-gender-dysphoria/
Best wishes.
This is a fantastic article. I will definitely share this. Is there anything out there once College sets in? My daughters ideation on this really solidified after entering College where she had a lot of support in the art scene for being a transgender. She left him shortly thereafter. And now lives in a community. We do get some time with her but not enough to make much of a difference. She is on her own financially however is we are not paying for anything that she does. This was her choice when we put our foot down and asked her to wait until after college.
Lily you are not alone! With your daughter being 14 I think you have more of a chance for success than I did. Mine was 17 when this all started and at that point it was very difficult to try to reason with her and my ex husband was very supportive of it so she moved in with him leaving me without any say in much of anything. Maybe I am not the best person to give advice but do whatever you can to try to get her into counselling, a regular counsellor not one for transitioning. I was not successful in getting mine to go but I truly believe there are underlying issues, whether it is a need for acceptance, attention, or perhaps something deeper. The counsellors for those that are wanting to transition will convince them they are doing the right thing and as in my case, convinced her that anyone who doesn’t support them does not need to be part of her life, set her up for hormone treatments, breast removal and a hysterectomy. It just isn’t right! It’s going to be a tough road but if you truly feel she never showed signs of being a male, trust your gut like the article said and I pray you will be more successful than I was. My heart goes out to you Lily.
Lily – same situation here with 15 year old the year she started high school. I definitely see her wanting to dress more manly during times of anxiety and stress and the more she talks online with a trans boy (girl) whom she has befriended. When she is with family or old friends, she often wears dresses and makeup. I also tell her to wear a dress for certain occasions and she does not push back. Such a sad and confusing time, but I am encouraged by the medical professionals that we have spoken to (her pediatrician and therapist) said “it’s the latest trend, perhaps she is trying to fit in.” She is seeing a therapist for social anxiety and possible ADD. Perhaps they are connected. Our strategy is to ride it out and have limits – she knows we will not call her by a different name (even though some friends do) or use the stupid pronouns. I have also found some peace in prayer. Good luck – this blog has given me hope.
Your strong stand on this issue is respected by me. I am now faced with this horror in life to deal with my 12 yr old daughter. I feel desperste to help her. I feel this kind of path chosen at this age is to overwhelming.
Dear God I pray…..
Thank you for your blog
we are all here with you. it’s the biggest test and we have shared the grief. I have to live in hopes that the internet will promote a different trend very soon. in the meantime, I have learned from this site that as parents we are entitled to experience pain and grief. my 12 year old daughter , 2 years on from gender neutral, pansexual (who is sexual at 12?? to ftm insisting on male pronouns etc., is still our child. The pain is excruciating. it is as though she is killing off our baby girl. I find strength here. older relatives laugh about this. A grandparent (80s) said ‘my parents fought in ward
sorry. ‘wars. people didn’t have time for nonsense then’. our world is so upside down with Brexit here and Trump there. The only thing that matters is family. Stay strong. it’s so hard.
I wrote my daughters story on here in a reply last year and was hoping by this stage all this would be a (painful) memory.
I have just found out she has been lying to me about a certain online friend. Actually most of her friends are internet friends.
She said she has talking to this 12 year old boy from Mexico who she met on instagram. I thought yeah fine I don’t mind that she talks to a boy.
One day she left her iPhone on unlocked and me being a curious mum looked up her messages.
This ‘boy’ is actually a trans . Obvious ‘he’ is a girl. In another msg I saw that my daughter was calling this girl her ‘boyfriend’.
Now I am just beside myself and wish all this would just go away .
I feel for all of you and hope there is some hope soon x
Alright listen up y’all. I see where you’re coming from, and it obvious that you care for your children and you want what is best for them. I can see clearly that you do not intend them harm. But you are not understanding something truly fundamental.
It does not matter if it is a phase.
Gender identity is something that many people struggle with, adults and teens and children alike. And it is not new.
In fact, the binary system is new. It is an entirely western and European idea. Mostly originating from the convenience of segregating products by sex and the (awful) idea of male superiority. There are many cultures around the world dating back hundreds of years that did not have a binary system in their society. Meaning they did not label everyone as strictly male or female. There are countries and cultures today that do not use the binary system, that recognize multiple biological sexes and gender identities. Which is not only scientifically more accurate, (because of the existence of intersex people, and the fact that biological sex is affected by so many factors; chromosomes, gonads (ovaries, testes), internal genitalia, external genitalia, hormones, and secondary sex characteristic such as facial hair or breasts.) but is extremely prevalent in ancient history. Many native cultures in North America recognize more than 2 sexes for example. Many ancient civilizations believed in androgyny and third sexes or genders, so did many ancient religions.
People are not suddenly “becoming” trans, you are simply becoming more aware of it.
But the technical information isn’t important right now, and it isn’t what you really need to hear.
What you should understand is that while you may think you know you’re child, and perhaps you do, you are not your child.
That means that you cannot decide for them the legitimacy of their thoughts, feelings, identity, or experiences.
Allowing your child to explore their gender identity in a safe and accepting environment will be less damaging in the long run.
I see many of you are afraid that if you do not “stop it right away” your child will not grow of out the phase. But I’m going to say something really revolutionary here.
If your child does not grow out of it, it wasn’t a fucking phase.
Pardon my language but truly I do not know how to get my point across in a clearer way.
You are not promoting harmful idealogy by accepting and allowing your child to experiment!
You are communicating to them that you love them and are accepting of who they are, whether they are trans, non-binary, gay, bi, genderqueer, etc.
And so what if it’s a phase?! Sometimes it is, a lot of the time it isn’t. Phases are not harmful, I’m sure you all experienced your share of phases as an adolescent.
What I’m saying is that you need to support your child, regardless of what you think is the best thing for them. And I know you think you’re doing the right thing, but what you don’t understand is that being trans is not harmful.
You are not “making” your child trans by allowing them to experiment with their identity. If your child comes to you and says they would like to change their pronouns or name, you will not make them any more or less trans by choosing to use them. You are not influencing their identity, you are making the experience less painful.
I know many of you will blame your child’s trans identity on an internet phase or hormones. But what I recommend is to just go along with it. Just allow it to happen. It is not hurting anyone. Phases are okay, phases are healthy. And if that phase continues longer than you expect that is okay keep supporting them. If it turns out it’s not a phase that’s okay too.
Try to think about it from the perpective of your child. They probably feel wrong in their body and whether they just want the change or they can’t stand their current identity, their feelings are valid.
Because even if those feelings are temporary, they are still there. They are not any less valid just because they will not stay forever. And there is no point in hurting your child by refusing to accept them, even if it is temporary.
I don’t understand how any of you could even consider not accepting your child. What will you do in 50 years if it turns out your child really was trans, and you refused to accept them and now they don’t speak with you anymore. What will you do when you lose connection with your child. What will you do when your child subconsciously learns to hide things from you and distrust you because telling you personal things like their gender identity only gets them in trouble. What will you do when your child doesn’t visit anymore.
Being trans isn’t a bad thing. You know what’s a bad thing? Rejecting your child for something they can’t control.
Regardless I commend your maturity and effort to research and understand. But you’ve got the wrong idea. An Internet forum can’t tell you how your child feels, only your child can. Respect is a two way street, not respecting your child is a surefire way to create gaps in your relationship.
Talk to your child, listen to how they’re feeling, and try to help them by using their preferred pronouns and attempting to understand. I know it’s hard sometimes to be introduced to new ideas, but remember; being transgender is not a new concept, it is just finally being talked about.
As a young person who is neither a parent nor an adult, this is all I can say. I may not be a parent, but I am someone’s child. And as an adolescent who is growing up in a family that does not accept me for who I am, and who has been secure in their identity for over 4 years. I can tell you right now that I will not be attending Christmas dinners when I leave home.
You put it wonderfully, thank you. I hope you find happiness and acceptance wherever you may go.
Obviously, you haven’t traveled anywhere, if you think correctly understanding biological sex as binary is entirely Western and European. I have been all over the world, to dozens of countries on every continent except Antarctica. Reality contradicts your post. Also, as a scientist, I understand that your understanding of biological sex is seriously flawed. Mammals are either male or female. Intersex conditions don’t change that. Humans are rarely born with an incorrect number of limbs, but that doesn’t disprove the fact that humans are bipedal. Also, intersex doesn’t mean half and half. Even with rare intersex disorders, most humans are clearly one sex. An XXY male with Klinefelter’s is still male, for example. I suggest getting a passport, a college degree, and actual life experience. Your posts are painfully inaccurate.
Alright, listen up. You are not my kid.
My kid had mental health issues prior to announcing a trans-identification. My kid was assaultive, abusive, and destructive. My husband and I were supportive, but that does not mean we do exactly what ANY of our children demand. We listened and validated and tried to get professionals to listen TO US that our child was unresponsive to compromise (no, we won’t call you a new name, but we’ll call you endearments and we won’t use ANY pronouns). Here’s the deal — parents and siblings have boundaries, too. And a trans-identifying person has no more standing to force us to change our boundaries than we have to change theirs.
My daughter wouldn’t/couldn’t listen to US. It was because of her pervasive anxiety. She was so willing to transgress everyone else’s boundaries, though, that that anxiety started to look like bipolar or borderline. But it’s not. She was just willing to go to extremes to get what she thought she wanted. She was willing to LIE and to destroy, literally, our entire family.
My kid’s identity was not set in stone for four years. We’re almost four years in, and I can (but won’t) detail every minute and major change she’s gone through. It wasn’t the identity — it was that I could tell and document that she was mentally ill, but that affirmation-only treatment fails people who need diagnosis and treatment.
It was so bad — she was hitting people and we could only stop it by calling the police and when she realized we would hold THAT boundary, she fell apart. She wouldn’t go to school, wouldn’t see friends, wouldn’t do ANYTHING. We sent her to a treatment program where they listened to her and told her her identity was the least important of her problems. She started to feel better and started to LISTEN HERSELF. Stopped being so defensive. Stopped obsessing about her identity and started focusing on learning to manage and handle her anxiety and change her behaviors.
If she told me now that she was trans-identifying, well, I would shrug and say, “You’ve wrecked everything on that altar.” She’s written apology letters to her friends who she lied to about us. She acknowledges that SHE was actually the problem, Would it really have been better to have agreed with her very youthful, mentally ill-influenced demands for hormones and surgery or was it better to take a stand and do what I had to for my daughter and my entire family?
I’m sure you don’t give a flying fuck. Which is exactly my point to the politicians and the educators and the therapists and the activists. There are only two people on the planet who care more about that girl than they care about themselves, and that’s her dad and me. We are the only people tasked with keeping her complete well-being and life opportunities at the forefront. No one else. There is no one who would go through what we have for that human being.
So, to all the teenagers, keep in mind that you are operating with a still-developing brain. Your thoughts and feelings today and last month and next year likely will not be exactly the same once you’re past 25 or so. In fact, you might be startled as you think back on how you were and what you did before you came into the full development of your brain. But your parents, hopefully, ARE operating with an adult brain. And they love you and want the best for you. Will you disagree, even as adults? Yes. But they have a different perspective — one that is more long-term and one that has known you since the very beginning.
My daughter will never be coming home, either. Not for lack of wanting, but she fucked up. She had accomplices — the affirmation-only movement. They encouraged her to be full of rage for anyone with a realistic boundary. They encourage my daughter to hate us because we wouldn’t do everything she demanded. Those things mixed in with her anxiety and fight response, turned her into someone who would lash out and do things she is completely ashamed of, now. However, they happened and she caused massive damage in our family. She’s getting a fresh start (as a teenager should!) but I and the other members of our family have to live with the damage she wrought in our lives.
So, fuck trans-identity. Maybe if the adult activists weren’t trying to make this a society-wide madness, and pushing for laws and treatments which let ANYONE avoid dealing with other issues, my family wouldn’t be in this spot.
You? I can’t care too much about. See, you have your own family. But you and others like you helped in wrecking MINE. My daughter won’t be attending family holidays, either, because she abused us. Why? Well, the affirmation-only trans-agenda had a lot to do with it.
Sigh.
When it comes to presentation choices the vast majority of ppl here are on board in support of our “nonconforming” kids.
When it comes to permanent physical modifications with unknown long-term health consequences, for people whose brains aren’t yet developed enough to allow mature decisionmaking — we’re not. As you say yourself, the feelings are strong and real but may not be permanent. The physical modifications are permanent and highly likely hazardous, especially to natal females using testosterone. You say the idea of trans has been around forever — but the idea that minors should get “blockers” and opposite-sex hormones has definitely not.
I feel your anger and I realize you’re talking at us like you probably wish you could talk to your own parents. But to say “it’s not hurting anyone?”
That’s a contention that deserves a really really long response or just a … “we wish you well.”
Opting for the latter.
In fact, the binary system is new. It is an entirely western and European idea. Mostly originating from the convenience of segregating products by sex and the (awful) idea of male superiority. There are many cultures around the world dating back hundreds of years that did not have a binary system in their society. Meaning they did not label everyone as strictly male or female. There are countries and cultures today that do not use the binary system, that recognize multiple biological sexes and gender identities. Which is not only scientifically more accurate, (because of the existence of intersex people, and the fact that biological sex is affected by so many factors; chromosomes, gonads (ovaries, testes), internal genitalia, external genitalia, hormones, and secondary sex characteristic such as facial hair or breasts.) but is extremely prevalent in ancient history. Many native cultures in North America recognize more than 2 sexes for example. Many ancient civilizations believed in androgyny and third sexes or genders, so did many ancient religions.
1) Claims like these all require to be supported with evidence, and the evidence backed up by citations of authoritative sources.
2) Key terms need to be defined:
Example 1: “the binary system”. Are you talking about sex or about socially constructed sex roles? (I am damned if I’ll use that word “gender” here; it has become much too slippery.)
Example 2: “gender identities”. Yes, I know it’s a phrase you see all over the web, but what does it mean? What, exactly, do you mean by it here?
I could multiply further examples.
3) Disorders of sexual development are not sexes.
Totally valid questions.
I’m sorry I didn’t provide sources for my information, I am not a proffesional and I do not claim to be. Most of what I know is from speaking to intersex individuals, and from my education. But I am not a university student so it’s not fair to say that is valid either. My information comes from amateur research, I do my best to find information from a variety of sources but I cannot claim to be an expert and I should have clarified that originally. If you wish, you may think of it only as my opinion and nothing more.
When I refer to the binary system I am talking about both the biological sex system and the socially constructed sex roles. I’m referring to the idea that there are only 2 sexes, male and female. And although I am not very knowledgeable about biology, I at least understand that is not the case.
When I say gender identity i understand the confusion. Gender identity has a different meaning to everyone. To me gender is really how you see yourself. It is how you relate to the concepts of femininity, masculinity, or otherwise, as defined by biological sex and/or social construction. Which is a really wordy way to say, “It’s how a person chooses to relate themselves to the idea of being male, female, neither, both, or other.”
So, Elliott, you don’t think countries like China, India, and Japan have sex role stereotypes (gender systems) in play, nor do you think that the people in those countries believe in the sexual binary? After all, you state that these ideas are entirely Western and European. Actually, the binary is far more rigid in most of Asia compared to most of Europe. Europeans are incredibly liberal and flexible about these things compared to Asians. Some European countries, especially the ones in Scandinavia, have a substantial number of women in positions of power in government and industry. However, in countries like China, India, and Japan, men are inevitably in charge, holding the vast majority of high level positions in government and industry. Only 15% of Japanese women hold parliamentary seats. The USA is slightly better at 20% of Congressional seats. Swedish women hold just under half of parliamentary seats. Rates of representation for women are worse for industry than government. In fact, Japan has one of the lowest rates of female labor force participation in the developed world and very few female executives. Additionally, Japanese women are listed as part of their husbands’ households, just like children. Single women, regardless of age, are listed as part of their fathers’ households. The patriarchy is stronger there than in the USA or Europe. China and India, the world’s 2 biggest countries in terms of population, have similar issues. Female infanticide is a huge problem in both of those countries. In fact, there are approximately 30-40 million more men than women in China today due to killing female babies. Note that I am not talking about abortion, but about tens of millions of live babies being intentionally killed for the crime of being born female. Still want to argue that the sexual binary, sex roles (gender) etc are entirely Western and European ideas, Elliott?
There are a number of things that could be said about this post. But for the sake of brevity I will focus on one paragraph:
“What I’m saying is that you need to support your child, regardless of what you think is the best thing for them. And I know you think you’re doing the right thing, but what you don’t understand is that being trans is not harmful.”
This is actually a remarkable set of assertions, and shows how the entire discussion has been up-ended here. As parents, now it is imperative to disregard our own notions of right and wrong, safe and unsafe, wise and foolish, and instead subscribe to an idea that – even to be charitable – did not even exist in its present form, 20 years ago! Whatever wisdom and understanding of the world that we possess, by virtue of our having experienced life for a certain number of years must be abandoned, as must our natural love and care for our children and our knowledge of their particular qualities and life history. Why? Detail any other context in which parents are required to abandon their critical thinking facilities.
The second claim with which I take grave issue is to the effect that “being trans is not harmful.” I suppose that one can claim that radical surgery to remove healthy body parts, lifelong hormone treatment, and unnecessary treatment with cancer drugs is “not harmful,” but merely asserting it does not make it so. In fact, there is increasing evidence that all of these practices are, in fact, harmful – and in view of that evidence I prefer not to close my eyes and pretend otherwise. And, this does not even address the further social, economic and psychiatric challenges faced by the would-be transgender cohort, which many parents may indeed not want for their children – and justifiably so.
Hello again, most of you will probably not return to see my response. Honestly I would like to thank you for taking the time to read what I said and to process it and respond as you see fit. We may not agree but that’s okay. Many who responded provided sources, scientific evidence supporting their claims, and personal stories. In a way I appreciate this, I’m sure many of you have much more experience than I do. I can’t claim to know everything, I can barely claim to know anything at all. My opinion has no lt changed but you have in a perhaps backwards way inspired me to inquire further into the understanding of biological sex. As I’m sure you have assumed, I am quite young. In fact I have not yet reached my second year of high school. You may immediately dismiss my opinions and thoughts based on this notion, I am practically a child after all. But that’s just it, they are opinions and thoughts. I do not mind that you disagree, in fact I find it rather refreshing. I appreciate the discussion. For the most part you have all been civil and restrained.
In case you’re wondering, I do have a passport, I travel every year with my family, and my only aim here was to contribute to the discussion, present what little knowledge I do have and state my opinion. It’s a learning process, this is what I am doing, learning.
I actually really appreciate that one of you brought up the issue of prexisting mental illness. Being trans is not a mental illness, but that does not mean a trans person can’t have one. Even as a mentally ill person myself I cannot claim knowledge of every persons experience with mental illness, so I will try to be as unbiased as possible here as I am not an expert.
Being mentally ill can definitely amplify or influence our feelings and thoughts. And I completely understand why any of you would be hesitant to start your child on treatment or hormones while they are mentally ill because of those reasons.
But I believe you may have misunderstood me, or I was not clear. I did not intend that by supporting your child it meant that you needed to pay for treatment or surgery. I only meant that you should help them through the process of self discovery.
Hormone therapy, surgery, and binding are all very touchy issues because there is opportunity for harm to come to your child through any of those options. As well as the fact that often times effects are hard to reverse.
If you cannot support your child medically transitioning or you do not want to push them to medically transition that is your decision. You may set boundaries, compromise is a good thing. Because this is an adjusting period for all parties involved. I will not lie and say that coming out as transgender has no impact on the people surrounding you, and you cannot expect everyone to accommodate your every need. But I believe it is fair to ask for respect and proper use of pronouns. Surgery is very expensive and serious, it is not something that should be done on a whim. In fact I recommend waiting until your child is a legal adult before medically transitioning. Hormone therapy is also sensitive. If your child is severely mentally ill hormone therapy can upset the chemical imbalances in their brains further, hormone therapy often has a lot of side effects. Again if you as a parent do not wish to pay for or condone hormone therapy for your child, that is your decision.
I am not asking for you all to provide your child with those things immediately after they come out. I really only meant that they should be given freedom of expression and a safe environment to experiment in with their identity. Use whatever pronouns make them comfortable or find a compromise. Come to a mutual agreement about names, as I know having your child change their name can be something that is very hard to adjust to. Allow your child to dress in what ways make them feel better. That’s all I’m asking for. Just communication with your children about the situation, how they’re feeling, and how both of you can deal with it as it comes. I just don’t want people to immediately shy away from the idea of their child being trans, because it is not necessarily a bad thing.
So Elliott is here once again, this time doing some serious back-tracking because she/he doesn’t have any sources for the statements she/he put forth as facts just a couple of days ago. Elliott has realized that the parents here have done our homework and know what we are talking about.
Elliott is now taking herself/himself down a few pegs, suddenly saying “I can barely claim to know anything at all” and “I am quite young. In fact I have not yet reached my second year of high school.” We assumed as much.
Admitting that she/he doesn’t know much and that he/she has only finished one year of high school nevertheless is not stopping Elliott from continuing to assert hearsay and Tumblrisms as facts, and telling us what we “need” to do and what we “need” to understand.
Elliott, if you are getting your medical advice from fellow teenagers and adult transactivists on Tumblr, YouTube, Twitter and Reddit, you shouldn’t be repeating it. This is quite dangerous. It causes more kids like you to erroneously believe that undergoing transgender medical treatment is easy, enjoyable and safe, and something that kids and parents should welcome. Life would be grand and everyone’s troubles would melt away if we would just accept our daughters as sons and our sons as daughters, get them on drugs and call them by the opposite-sex pronoun. Right.
We are adults; we are cautious, loving parents who have left our gullible, impulsive teenage years far behind us. We have been researching, discussing and dissecting the effects of blockers, hormones, surgeries, pronouns, social transition and just about everything to do with transgender kids and teens. We don’t fall prey to what Tumblrites and asktransgender redditors tell us. We are not susceptible to the messages of transactivists, who would like us to believe that it is progressive and “authentic” for kids who so wonderfully defy sex stereotypes to be made to adhere to them by taking on an opposite-sex transgender identity.
You paint a very simplistic picture of the situations we are in with our kids. It is impossible to compromise or come to an agreement with some of our kids, especially the ones who bait us with suicide threats, as they have been taught online to do. It is also impossible to compromise and come to a civil agreement with kids who call us abusive for not giving in to their demands for hormones, kids who pit their teachers and therapists against us, painting a picture of an abusive, neglectful home when that is the farthest thing from the truth.
Despite the wisdom you have so generously bestowed upon us, we will continue to seek out real facts, using credible methods of research. We will continue to seek out professional psychological and psychiatric treatment for our kids. Hearsay from Tumblr kids and hyperbole from transactivists won’t cut it with us.
Rather than trying to convince parents that the opinions you’ve developed and the conclusions you’ve jumped to are facts, instead please spread the word to your fellow trans teens and preteens that transgender medical treatments are experimental and have not been proven safe. Binders are not safe. Testosterone is not FDA approved for use in females. Testosterone has never been tested on females in the long-term. No one knows what sort of medical problems females who start a life-long testosterone regimen at age 15 or 20 will endure at age 50, 60, 70 or 80, if they are able to live that long. Then there’s the psychological trauma that comes from living a lie, keeping a huge secret and constantly wondering if you pass.
Don’t waste your time trying to convince us parents that taking on a transgender identity is enjoyable, desirable, natural, safe, simple and easy. Instead, spread the word to your fellow teens to be skeptical of what they’re reading on Tumblr, Twitter, Reddit. You kids are being sold down the river by adults who are using you and putting you in danger to further their agendas.
Very well put SkepticalMom! I totally agree with everything you said, thank you for putting it into words. That is truly how I feel.
thank you!
I just wanna say I feel for Elliott, who’s here in dialogue with us in a respectful way and who has some humility about the whole situation. The age you are is a very hard age, Elliott — for everyone, but especially for people born in female bodies. Very hard. As I said above, the feelings of disconnect between you and your body are obviously very strong and very real. And maybe they’ll be permanent, but the overwhelming science says they probably will not be. This exponential increase in the number of young natal females presenting with gender dysphoria and wishing to transition, during the past five years, can’t be arising in a vacuum. There HAS to be a social situation that’s driving it. (Unless there’s something in the water.)
There are a lot of reasons why “switching sides” can look like a really attractive adaptive behavior for young, female-bodied people. I can really understand why the upsides look enormous and the downsides look inconsequential, at this point, to you. The deck’s stacked against females, after all. Why would you not want to get yourself on the side of safety/power? But the cost of the switch is higher than you might think. (I’m not just talking out of pocket costs; I’m talking psychological costs.)
The fact remains that you’re a young person whose brain is in the process of rapid change and growth. Despite what the internet says, you actually cannot know how you’re going to feel about your body five, 10, 15 years from now. So I’d urge you to consider whether your “unsupportive” family is not just unenlightened/phobic/closed-minded but rather sincerely concerned for you and your best interests. (I’m not in your family so obviously cannot say what is going on. But there’s a pretty high possibility that lack of support or a change in gender identification is based on sincere concern for your well-being, long term.)
I sincerely do wish you well, Elliott, and the people who comment at this site would all say the same. I encourage you to make full use of the resources here — read the research that’s available — and get info from a lot of sources (rather than the standard social media echo chambers) as you continue to figure stuff out. (And keep concentrating on your schoolwork, and extracurricular things that interest you, and maybe some volunteer things — whatever you are interested in, as you move forward toward adulthood.)
Namaste.
Great points, puzzled. Thank you.
Well said.
Hi! I’m so happy I finally found a place where I can say what I’m feeling and what we have passed through. I have a 20 year old daughter who decided a couple years ago to be a boy. Se had been suffering depression before and had a eating disorder and that’s the reason we had already a contact with youth psychiatrist.
On the other hand she was a very good student at school and a great musician and also practiced figure-skating and was very interested in all kiMD of typical “girls’ stuff” like making up and beautiful clothes. As a little girl she wanted to be a princess. However she was very perfectionis and got upset very easily when she didn’t manage to do things so good ad she wanted.
I really don’t know what happened with her then. She changed her name, in my country you just say in high school I’m a boy now on and everybody has to accept it. It was school to our family and couldn’t believe it and nobody understood our feelings. We were treated like monsters and racists and accusing of mental violence by authorities and psychologists. WE were forced to go to process, In my country the public health care pays these trans treatments and as a parent you are expected to support yoit child or keep out rom her life.
I really love her, but I think she’s making a big mistake and I’m so angry with this society.
I am so sorry to hear you are going through that. Our world has gone crazy. They are leaving parents with PTSD and it is absolutely abusive to bully parents into accepting it. Every story is the same-depression, eating disorders, anger issues, ranges of Autism or Asperger but the medical profession pretends they don’t hear us. I have similar issues so I am in the same boat. I have come to hate our gov’t and the medical profession.
Thanks and sorry for all the mistakes I’m writing with my mobile phone and it autocorrects my writing. I meant to say we were shocked after finding out that and had no place where to talk what we were feeling. We were offered only propaganda how to support and accept our child as a boy.
My child has also Asperger dg and has always felt herself some kind of outsider or stranger. This idea of having born in a wrong body gave her an easy explanation to all of her problems and she really thinks everything will be solved by this. I’m afraid she’ll get disappointed and will be feeling worse than ever. Sometimes I miss so deeply my daughter I knew once and all those things we made together, but can’t tell anybody for not to be regarded as unsupportive, transphobic, harming, fanatic etc.
Mum from Europe, I’m glad you found this gathering place for support. I also have a 20-year-old daughter “son”, a daughter who also suddenly decided to be transgender and has run with the idea while away from home in college. She lives where it is easy to attain cross-sex hormones, so she now sounds and look differently…permanent effects VERY quickly. I know she has underlying mental health issues, but the school just goes along and has never encouraged her to seek off-campus diagnostics and counsel.
It is like basic psychology is totally ignored as soon as someone announces a transgender identity.
Mum from Europe, your story is repeating over and over and over again…the link with a daughter with Asperger’s and feeling out of place in her body. Trans if the explanation they find, they lock onto it and you can’t convince them otherwise, and everyone else feels “he” just be supported as trans.
The ASD community must wake up and start calling attention to this self-diagnosis danger. The risks are just too great.
The common theme of aspergers astounds me. Why aren’t they looking into why so many teens and young adults with aspergers consider themselves transgender?! My daughter also diagnosed herself and has aspergers. She said she looked at those around her and what they were and used the internet. That’s crazy!! She doesn’t want to here one thing I have to say on the subject. I told her I want my daughter back and was told that she is gone. No she isn’t! She’s standing right in front of me!! She has agreed to no testosterone or top surgery as long as she lives in my house (she is 20) but she wears a binder, no longer shaves, dresses male and has short hair. I’ve tried to convince her to wear a sports bra to no avail.
I’m so. so sorry. The story you told is the story of my family, except in the US the government STILL doesn’t pay for this treatment for families and we still have a little autonomy in searching for care. Because the US is so large, many states jump into this immediately (the state where we live has laws that kids can socially transition from age 12 up and parents don’t have to be spoken to about it at all) and some are more circumspect. There are programs within the interior of the country which are not as super-liberal and pro-trans and anti-parent as the coastal areas.
So, when my daughter socially transitioned at school? She began to decline in every measure almost immediately. We documented that and because she had to be hospitalized and said she was suicidal, the school was supposed to assess her and give her educational services and they didn’t. Sso we got the opportunity to show they COULDN’T educate her at our local school and we could choose a live-in treatment facitility. Where, she is THRIVING. Guess why? They have told her that her identity issue(s) are the least important of her problems and she needs to work on the most important ones. Also, in the state where we placed her, they work WITH the family.
It is shocking and demoralizing and infuriating to follow all the societal “rules” and expectations of raising your children and then be ignored and treated like an abusive criminal if you assert privileged knowledge and concern and love for your children. Also, I find that educators and therapists and social workers are a self-selecting population and some of the less-positive traits most of them share are being nosy busybodies who think they know everything and are superior to parents.
May they all rot in hell. Why yes, I am very bitter.
I feel for you I am going through a similar scenaria,my daughter at 20 suddenly decided she was Trans with no previous 8nd8cation of anything while growing up.She thanks she is gender fluid but now looks exactly like a woman again, after expetiment9ng with nens vlothing and dhort hair and no make up, except wears a binder and is contemplating top surgery. She too suffered from depression and now takes low dosage anti depressants which seem to help.I am in California and they make the transition process really easy.I called up my insurance after she told me she wanted to do top surgery and was horrified to find out that they would fully cover the surgery, and the whole process is basically meeting with a gender therapist a few tmes before to determine if it is a necessity. She is 22 now so I can’t do anything about her decision except to try get her to change her mind which is not easy. All we can hope for is that as their brain matures they may start realizing what they are doing.
This is an excellent post. Thank you. At this point all we parents can do is show solidarity. I am not normally the type of person who attacks others but truly we are the good parents. The ones who just let their kids do what they want without objection or worse celebrate this insanity are being rewarded for the worst kind of parenting there is.
I have read all of the posts because I am just looking for some answers, guidance, oh hell I am not sure what I am really trying to figure out. My 16 year old son has decided he wants to wear girls clothing, make up, painted nails. I think if this was something that manifested earlier in his life I would find it easier to understand. This is not the case. This blind sided me. Now he has clothing (he gets from female friends) shoes, make up…..all of it. He has worn items to school, which I had no knowledge of. He of course suffered at the hands of some of his peers, but the school quickly jumped in due to bully behavior. My son claims he “still likes girls” which was not something I worried about. I feel like him coming out would have been easier for me to accept. I worry that this “phase” may lead to something worse. We have fought…He claims I don’t respect his decision in truth I don’t understand it. Again this is not a situation of always having him in girls attire….this started 6 months ago. I really feel like he could end up being seriously hurt if certain peers were to find out. My son thinks some of his “friends” are among the most trustworthy people, I however do not share this sentiment. I don’t know why he has decided this is what is best for him. I don’t allow it, I don’t support it, and I don’t like it. Again I have to stress that IF we had been dealing with this for years I could be more understanding but this sudden pronouncement has me beside myself. I share the belief that our digital, virtual, anonymous lives have probably led to him thinking this will make him happy. I am just trying to keep him safe and healthy. I want him to feel like he can share anything with his father and myself but I just cannot sit by and support this. Am I being a horrible parent….maybe….probably. My job is not to make him feel good about decisions I don’t support. I will always be honest with him, and this is no exception. Can someone please help me because I am in tears even now typing this. The only bright spot is that I now know I am NOT the only person dealing with issues like this.
Hi JZ, no you are not a terrible parent for wanting what is best for your son. You and your husband know him better than anyone else does, and you also love him more. If you don’t feel that this is a genuine aspect of his being, then your opinion is to be respected. What he ultimately does about this when he is an adult, and able to pay his own way, and make his own decisions, you cannot control. But while he is living in your house, and being supported by you, you do have the right to set certain boundaries, for his safety and for the family’s well-being.
I firmly believe that we in the midst of a horrible epidemic of social contagion. Whether or not there is some infinitesimal percentage of the population that has a literal disability (of needing to be in a different body at all costs), there is nothing about that which compels the outcome that we see today, of kid after kid becoming “transgender.” It is absolutely clear that this is a teenage and young adult identity cause and temporary enthusiasm, which is being aided and abetted by a generation of irresponsible “professionals” who ought to know much better.
I don’t want you to feel even more wretchedly depressed than you do already, but it’s important to get educated on the medical and psychological aspects of transgenderism. Although as I say it will be harder in two years, try to keep your son out of the hands of “gender specialists” as long as you can. Try to get some help for yourself in dealing with this, and do remember that you have the right, even the obligation, to stand strong.
Thank you. I think I will look into getting a family therapist, it couldn’t hurt any of us. It would probably help us all.
JZ, you are almost exactly where I was a year and a half ago. Out of the blue declaration of trans, into girls (but like you we would totally support him if he were gay), friends who see him as a pet project but do not have his best interests at heart. Our son never did present as “feminine” at school though. We were able to hold that off and he graduated this June with all peers knowing his thoughts but never publicly (he dressed at friend’s houses we believe) seeing it in action.
Some advice:
Find Lisa Marchiano’s articles. She writes about what we are going through and gives excellent advice. Her latest article is just what you need.
http://thejungsoul.com/new-guidance-for-rapid-onset-gender-dysphoria/
Read ALL of 4th Wave, comments included. This place saved my husband and I. Educate yourself. I have spent several hours a day for the past year and a half studying this insanity. I work full Time and have basically taken this on as a second job. You’ll need the background in order to organize your thoughts and stay strong against the tide of trans activism. The more you know, the easier it will be to withstand the pressures. Articles are often about girls but, if your son is like mine, he is sensitive and feels he doesn’t belong – there will be similarities in the stories about girls.
Read every word of Third Way Trans blog. There are two videos which are great as well.
Read all of Transgender Reality blog. This may show you how your son came to be where he is now. Look up autogynephelia. My son is a gentle, naive, old-soul who trusts everyone: I think he had confusing feelings and experiences and found his answers online. It’s unpleasant to think about, but you’ll need to develop a thick skin.
I have a friend who I have confided in and she has taken this nightmare on as her own. It is crucial that you and your husband remain united, and if you can also confide and bounce ideas off of a friend, it will make you feel like you’re not alone.
Find a therapist who will work on your son’s troubles without sending him down the one way trans track. This will be your hardest task right away. You’ll have to be strong and ask tough questions and be ready to hang up and try again multiple times. Avoid “gender therapists” affiliated with pride-type organizations. Better to have none than those. Our son was referred to one who was said to be a cautious, take-it-slow person. She has seen him less than two hours and has promised him a referral letter for HRT. It’s criminal!
Our son still thinks he is trans but I feel that belief is not as strong right now as his anger of his father and I for not believing in his ideas. At this time in his life (starting uni, where he will most likely be unable to resist the pull of being the dorm trans-celebrity) he is wanting to be independent of us and do the opposite of what we want. If I had it to do over again, I would not throw facts at him right away about why trans is impossible. I would keep things personal, learn about HIS experience (even if hearing it is horrifying and awful), rather than tell him a thousand things about how his plan will
Lead to certain disaster. We lost communication with our son. He was (no exaggeration) the most loving, caring, affectionate child you’d ever meet before this. I think he is still in there, but this is wrapped up in a struggle for independence and that has complicated matters. He is 18 now and told us he was trans when he was 16. Had we kept his trust, we may have been able to talk WITH him instead of AT him. It is the heartbreak of my life that I know all this information about trans-regret and can’t share any of it with him because he has shut me out on this topic. At this point, we are still able to spend time together as a family and interact, although for an awful period of time, he wouldn’t communicate with us at all.
Get control of his internet use. We used Open DNS as a site blocker, but too late. These ideas and “how to” advice (such as ordering drugs online in order to “trans DIY”) come from places like reddit and Tumblr. (See transgender Reality for info on this – our son went down that road)
There’s more I could say, but can’t take time to type it right now. The articles and comments here and the people I’ve followed on Twitter who are gender critical have been my anchor since 2015. I feel the resistance to the trans movement is building, and I hope our sons and our families can see the way out of this hell on earth. Please respond to this comment if you want to talk further. I wish I’d posted on here when this first started for our family. I didn’t find 4th Wave until we were months down the road. I think it could have changed everything. I want to help.
I welcome any advice, any type of guidance. I already feel better knowing I can talk to people who understand where I am. Please send me your email and I can reach out.
JZ, here is my (anonymous) email. Sarahlynnelli@outlook.com
I hope I didn’t make you feel worse with all the info. My husband and I held on for the first nine months to the hope that our bright, logical son would come to his senses, but that wasn’t in the cards, and in the meantime we wasted valuable opportunities to step in while there may have been some doubt there.
However, in saying that, I think back on his certainty and realize it was like he was brainwashed – completely taken in by it – and closed off to any discussion.
I’m sure that for these sudden onset kids, trans-ID serves a purpose. It meets their need for belonging and gives them a list or a structure for “how to be”, especially if they are struggling with who they are. My son was a people-pleaser and avoided conflict at all costs, to the point where he didn’t know his own interests or thoughts. He was a blank slate. Until he matures and his needs are met in other, healthier ways, he will continue to need this crutch to “support” him through this stage of his adolescence. Once we came to terms with that, we stopped wishing and hoping (well, we still do that, but we have upped our game!) and started being proactive. We had to be vigilant every day and learn to expect that he would be deceptive, which he was at times.
For example, one day I suspected from his abnormally cheerful demeanour that something was up, so I followed my impulse and searched his room. Found Spirolactane, illegally ordered from online pharmacy, which he was advised by the evil snakes on a trans DIY Reddit board to take. Destroyed those and paid the price of his anger, which was nothing compared to the relief that we felt by stopping this scheme from working out for him the way he’d intended (he had gotten them the day before and hadn’t stared taking them yet!) Before this incident, I would have bet my house and everything in it that my son would never lie to me. It’s been very difficult to adjust my thinking to accommodate for these new behaviours.
It’s still somewhat incomprehensible to me hat this is happening to my family. (To anyone’s family!) I grieve, I plot and scheme, i dread opening my eyes in the morning and realizing anew what is going on, I read and research (4thWave’s new Research section is INCREDIBLE), I cry, I try to enjoy the things I can. I’m sorry you’re all out there reading this and relating to it, but I’m glad to be connected.
I know exactly how you feel. As a parent of a 23 year old son who did this about a year ago it is our job to question this strange behavior that they have adopted suddenly. If you don’t who will. This is life changing. I have tried to be supportive but I still have trouble believing it because it never showed itself when he was young. He is very smart and eloquent in his explanations of his feeling that he is truly a woman. I just don’t get it. He has come out to his friends,who are all supportive, and some of our family. He started hormone therapies without me knowing. It freaked me out. He is a healthy individual who is now putting chemicals into his body. I don’t know the answer. I cry every day. I hope that your son comes to his senses
JZ. I wish I had a way to guide you and comfort you. All I can say is you are definitely not alone. My adult child just informed me that they have an appointment to get on testosterone next month. I myself have cried so many tears . Now I’m just empty inside. No one has helped us . And so I feel that the activists pushing this message so hard to the young and vulnerable have won. They swallowed my beautiful perfect healthy child and infected her mind soul and now body. You are not wrong to be worried. The world is very mixed up and unfortunately our kids are caught up in this “experiment”. Just know my heart goes out to you and your son. Try to find a neutral therapist for him or better yet family therapy. Mine was not willing to do family therapy but you can at least try with your son. I’m so sorry
I can’t believe I stumbled upon this blog…. I’ve been doing so much online research lately looking for answers and support, and here I found other parents going through this. Wow. I need to connect! How? I don’t think i have the time to read through hundreds of comments and write more, but are there other ways to connect as well? I’m desperate.
My son is 20. HS dropout. Internet addicted. Tumblr addicted. Found all his ‘friends’ online. Talks about transitioning. I feel like he’s being kidnapped and indoctrinated.
I feel the same way. I will take more time later to respond, but you are not alone.
See my comment below for a forum/message board for parents.
I agree with the suggestion that we should petition the Surgeon General. Right now, there are too many confused kids. A friend of my son tells me that there is at least one kid in each of his college class claims to be transgender. I am adjunct faculty in a college, and we were “educated” about addressing kids the way they want. It feels like the entire society is being kidnapped, and forced to accept however many kids out there, who thinks this transgender business is totally harmless. Trust me, it is not. Taking hormones have serious consequences. I am from Asia. The life expectancy of the shemale in Thailand ( boys taking female hormone starting around 10) is 40. And they look like walking zombies once they get off of it. We have to educate these kids, and adults alike! Let’s start a petition!
Is there an easy way to connect with like-minded parents? Like a Facebook group, perhaps?
Hi D.L.,
A forum/message board for parents has been started at https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/index.php .
It is still rather new, and still rather small, but membership is growing every day. Please join and introduce yourself, or tell your family’s story if you feel up to it.
Thank you!
I haven’t been able to read all of the comments, but I have no doubt that there might be trans identifying kids getting very angry at this. I’m a 16-year-old, and when I was 14, I told my immediate family that I was exploring my gender and that I wasn’t sure what I wanted. My mother was very afraid of this, and my stepfather told me I was a liar. I never said that I was trans specifically, just that I wanted to explore and learn how I prefer to express myself. There was a period of time in which I was completely sure I identified as male and wanted to transition. This changed for me, however, it doesn’t change for everyone. it is something that happens. However, the reason I thought I wanted to fully transition was that I thought it had to be the next step. I really didn’t understand that there can be an in-between. My mom was so against my exploration of self expression that she nearly disowned me because of websites like this. I don’t blame any of you, you’re clearly not trying to harm your children, but you have to be patient. You can’t force your child to feel a certain way, it is only going to damage them and their relationship with you. I bought myself a binder because I wanted to see how it made me feel. I wear it sometimes. There are times when I wear dresses, and there are times where I wear a suit. The moral of this story is, I guess, that this is a journey. Most of the time, when people explore this part of themselves, it’s because there is something that they genuinely want to understand about their gender expression. I’m really happy now. It took me learning about myself and how I interact with the world around me to understand that. No one could’ve made me understand that. Please, give your kids time to think and breathe. They need it. I still do, I’m only 16. I’m much happier than I was, but I have a long path ahead of me. Thanks. 🙂
Lord, teenagers make me tired.
MAL — pretty much everybody here gives their kids “time to think and breathe,” honestly. You’ll find zero support for rigid roles of presentation here. Zero. What we ADVOCATE for here is requiring kids to take the time to think and breathe and self-express without doing permanent damage to their bodies. Unfortunately the current med/psych establishment is in the “damn the torpedos, full speed ahead” mode. “Time to think is,” apparently, not part of the “informed consent” paradigm.
Our “unsupportive” stance is safety-based vis a vis the advisability of transition for people whose brains are not yet developed enough to make an informed choice about a lifelong body change such as this. A bodily change that entails a list of physical risks as long as your arm (and doesn’t have a great long-term record of psych benefits, either).
I’m glad you’re feeling better about yourself, that’s a good thing.
PS — about that binder? Not good for your health. Might want to take a gander at this. http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/13691058.2016.1191675
Very well put Puzzled! Yes, I’m pretty sure all parents on this site have given their trans child love, support and guidance. It’s best that both the parents and the child try to keep calm and be understanding of each other during this time. It is often very trying on both sides of the coin. This site helps to inform parents of various items regarding transitioning and is very helpful.
Unfortunately, the trans communities are pushing teens to start the physical change process without (in my opinion) the proper amount of time for the teen to explore their sexuality and obtain counselling to help them through the process. As you mentioned, teenagers have not fully developed sexually and their brains have not yet fully developed.
In my situation, my daughter was 17 when she decided to transition. About 6 months later, on her 18th birthday she started hormones. She just turned 19 and has already had her breasts removed and I’m told she is getting a hysterectomy in two weeks. In less than a year and a half this has all taken place. The Pride Center has engrained in her mind that anyone who provides any objections or does not totally accept everything does not need to be a part of her life so she has totally cut me off along with most of our entire family. It hurts me to know that she is going on this journey without any love or support from any of us. To know the damages that are happening to a completely healthy young woman could result in a premature death is terrifying.
I would like to remind teens that your parents love you and want what is best for you. We are trying to understand what you are going through but please…please…do not rush into transitioning. Learn the facts about what is going to happen to you, both physically and mentally, and wait to do any major changes until you’re mid 20’s once your body and brain have matured and you are absolutely positive this is what you want. Seek counselling so you are mentally prepared for the changes. This is not a small decision, it is a MAJOR decision that should not be rushed into. People learn from their mistakes but once you start hormones and surgeries it is too late to change your mind, damage to your body occurs the minute you put on that binder or take your first injection and not everything can be reversed. Remember, you are everything to your parents and they love you. Don’t shut them out, give them time to adjust and understand and to travel this path alongside of you.
I am sorry that your parents were so harsh with you. However, the path recommended by parents on this blog is very different than the one your parents took. The parents who write and comment on this blog advocate open communication with the children, making compromises in order to maintain the relationship, and trying to lead–not force–the child to consider alternative ways of thinking about gender. I believe that if your parents had taken that path, if would have made your gender journey less stressful.
Dear Grieving Mum
My heart goes out to you! It is criminal that these young people are pressured and brain-washed into making drastic changes when they are not yet old enough to know themselves, and their brains are not yet fully developed.
I hope that she soon realises how much you love her. Transgender clinics should at least impress upon these young people that they should be understanding of the trauma that their parents, families, and perhaps even some friends are going through. They should try and mitigate some of the terrible propaganda out there on the internet; that parents should be shunned if not completely accepting. It is definitely cult talk, and that should alert these young people that something sinister is happening. But they are too inexperienced at life to recognize it.
There used to be appealing adverts for cigarette smoking. Young people were enticed into a habit that slowly would rob them of their health. Now it seems ludicrous that it was allowed. This transgender cult will also be exposed one day, but too late for many. The damage of surgery and hormones are much quicker. Also people never took offense if loving people begged them to stop smoking. They realised that it was motivated by love. Even if at the time they thought
nothing could ever harm them.
Thank you Sharon, yes I do believe it it criminal. Through reading others stories on here I realize the similarities and it has become clear that vulnerable children are being sucked into the trans community and you’re right, it does seem like a cult. Social media and the internet provides a wide range of access to information (not necessarily good information) for teens and a large majority of the stories from other parents are so similar it’s obvious these kids are all being “brain washed” into following their guidelines to a T.
I understand there are some who do have a real belief they were born in the wrong body but so many never once showed any signs of being anything but the gender they were born as. My daughter was the typical beautiful teenage girly girl and at 16 she told me she was interested in both boys and girls. I was very supportive because I know how confusing life is as a teenager between the pressures of school, peers, and raging hormones. I thought as time goes by she will “figure it out”. Then she started attending Pride functions as a lesbian but once she started getting involved with the Pride Center that’s when things turned. I’m glad there are places for people to turn to to help them through their journey but I do not agree they should be pushing people into doing things and there certainly should be stricter regulations when it comes to hormones and surgeries!
Therapy should be mandatory for at least two years and there should be a mandatory age requirement for hormones and surgeries.
The last time I spoke to my daughter was about 8 months ago. In that discussion she told me she is interested in men and wants to become a drag queen and dress up as a woman…my thoughts were “then stay a woman!” which I did express by the way. I think getting proper counselling (not through the Pride Center) could have helped her to work through her feelings but she flatly refused to go. Once I expressed my thoughts she told me she was going for the breast removal surgery then, I think for shock value, she sent me a graphic picture once the surgery was completed and that was the last contact I’ve had from her and she refuses to answer my calls or texts.
I apologize for the rant but it is all so frustrating and heart breaking! I hope other parents are more successful in working with their children. I also pray the government regulators wake up and start putting stricter regulations in place.
A new surgeon general was appointed today. How about we all write letters? I am serious.
Love and peace.
Excellent idea.
Addressed to whom and where?
Oh yes we all should write our hearts out!with facts too.
I weep for you Grieving Mom and for all of the parents trying to figure out how to deal with this nightmare situation of affirmation-only. How can anyone celebrate what is going on these days? It seems part of all of this is the right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing. How can a surgeon possibly do these treatments? he is only doing what he was told to be necessary by some therapist. But we’ve all come to really wonder about the credentials of these therapists.
So how can medical ethics not enter in? when will these surgeons start questioning all of this? removing the healthy breasts of a healthy young woman? again and again and again, another and another. Why don’t they question? then they are complicit in this new medical enterprise, along with the insurance companies. Seems it is only us affected parents who bother to really examine this issue…and we only get demonized.
My heart is broken too. I also lost my daughter so fast. She was ok until she started testosterone and her personality changed. She really hated women that much she would do this? My daughter is living a transgender lifestyle, but her motivations were never those of a true transsexual….she never had true sexual body parts dysphoria until AFTER she learned the whole concept and realized that was how she was supposed to be acting, Her behavior with all of this has been so shocking and so fast, I was not able to react as well as I wish I could have, I never ever imagined this as an option for her….because until recently it wasn’t an option. There were no informed consent clinics to go to, and I’m certain she would otherwise still be in counseling, allowed to grow up and learning ways to accept her body and just be herself.
https://www.surgeongeneral.gov/contactus/index.html
Above is the information for the new Surgeon General. He looks pretty conservative which helps our cause. His concern is all about mental health so I would say our issue is the most important mental health issue of today and malpractice happening. We can ask for a meeting. I would like nothing better than to fly to him and travel to get a meeting. A group meeting is really ideal.
All good questions for the new Surgeon General. In the meantime, report any misconduct to your state medical board. Report the surgeons by name and therapists. Sometimes they will suspend their practices if you are lucky. I am going to do it too. I have nothing to lose. I was hoping that my daughter would turn things around but clearly, she’s not going to do that on her own. We need to crawl through windows if need be. If my daughter was on an operating table soon, I would find out who is doing that surgery and report them to the medical board of that state. What’s there to lose?
Grieving Mom, I am so sorry that your daughter has gone so far. That is surely heartbreaking for you. I am praying for her. I am not sure if you are religious but just know that. Peace.
My daughter is following her footsteps although nothing too permanent has actually happened yet. How did she fund all of this?
Thank you Marie for your kind words and prayers. My daughter pays for the hormone treatments herself and unfortunately in some places the surgeries are covered by government health plans. As she is considered an adult there is nothing a parent can do to stop them from getting the surgeries. I wish you all the best and pray you can work with your daughter to ensure she waits until she is older to make any life changing decisions. My heart goes out to you!
It’s all too much. My love goes out to you all. Grief does not fully define what this feeling is to see your beautiful and healthy daughter disfigure herself inside and out.
How do you do it?
My daughter has scheduled surgery for mid September and I actually scream out loud by myself bc I have no words for my pain.
How do they fund it? My daughter has a GoFundMe page…if that alone does not say she needs counseling, then I guess I’m just living in another universe of right and wrong. Breaks my heart into even tinier pieces.
It all seems surreal still after 2 years
I know exactly how you are feeling Saint Magdalena. It’s heart breaking. How do I deal with it? Pretty much the same way you are…my head and heart screams NOOOO! I keep trying to find out more and listening to other parents on here does help make things easier knowing I’m not the only one dealing with this situation. It doesn’t change what’s happening though.
Marie’s suggestion to write the Surgeon General is a good idea though in my case it’s too late to stop anything but it would certainly be a start. My fear is, how long will it take and how many other perfectly healthy young people will go through this before anything changes?
My daughter has disowned me but I keep hoping at some point we can try to have some sort of relationship no matter how awkward it is. Right now I feel like I’m in mourning and I suppose in a way I am mourning the loss of a daughter even though I have gained a “son”…one I do not know and may never know. 😥
I just received a text from my ex husband letting me know my daughter is currently in surgery having a hysterectomy. I cannot put my feelings into words…
I’m glad I found this page. Sometimes you feel like you’re the only one going through something. My daughter first started doing the I date men and women, to I date mostly women, to now I’m trans-binary gender. She’s my only child. I’ve given her as much love as I possibly can.
I know she has to make her own decisions on life. However I felt like what did I do wrong? I felt embarrassed. In my family I was looked at as the good mom, one of the best parents, the successful mom. I felt like this wasn’t suppose to happen to me. I’m still going through it right now, it’s been about 3 years. She turned 18 recently. She looks like a slob, she doesn’t fix herself up at all. And she’s ok with that. She wears the same clothes constantly. It seems like she’s trying to be androgynous. I birthed a female child. I was so happy to have my little girl. Sometimes I wonder if she hates me or something. Was there someone about me that was so deplorable that she doesn’t like being a female. I just have allot of questions I don’t have answers to.
Society has allowed mental illness to become the social norm.
Mental illness = Social Norm
This should not have happened. But it’s so far gone now can it even be changed.
When did gender become a choice. Wasn’t it just something that you where: growing up we didn’t have this issue, but society has programmed this into them through TV and the internet. Yes adolescence are still finding themselves l, however it’s crazy for anyone who says this was always an issue. I was a teenager once this wasn’t an issue and if it was it was only for a few. I love my daughter unconditionally but I didn’t not like this.
I am starting a novena if anyone wants to join me, email me at sher398@earthlink.net and I can explain how it works. It’s only 7 days.
Here is the address of the surgeon general. I am going to go for it. I am still entangled in the fight with the Catholic church here in Cincinnati regarding what my daughters were taught in the all girl school there. Glimmers of hope but I am not giving up. It takes up so much time. We switched our daughter to another all girl catholic school that doesn’t promote this gender idealogy garbage. It’s been so damaging.
Office of the Surgeon General
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
200 Independence Ave SW
Humphrey Bldg. Suite 701H
Washington, DC 20201
I have been reading through the comments on this blog, and becoming increasingly disgusted at the bigotry, the inability to understand perspectives that don’t coincide with their own, of every single parent who thinks that they have the right to tell there child who they are and aren’t. If you don’t believe your child, then you can ask your child why they believe they are the gender they claim to be. If they are truly “hopping onto the trans trend” as many of you put it, then there answer will most likely have something to do with how they think it will affect their social status, but if your child is serious about what they are saying, they will likely have a much more thought out explanation.
And to those of you who say that 13 is too young to make a decision like this. You should know that the average age to hit puberty is:
11 for girls
And 12 for boys
Your child after probably a year of puberty and numerous required sex Ed courses has a whole lot more knowledge about their sexuality and identity then you might think.
And if you really don’t believe them, then you should know that there is a requirement of a full year of therapy with a gender psychologist that is required to even start treatment, which is completely reversable for the first month, and the expectations of these gender psychologists are known to be quite high. Many adults who identify as the opposite gender from the one written on their birth certificate aren’t ever allowed to start treatment because they aren’t seen as being feminine or masculine enough.
In short, if your child isn’t certain, or isn’t intelligent enough to be making this decision, then somebody much more intelligent than you can be paid too, or if you’re smart, then it won’t cost you a penny because you’ll just be cashing in on the benifits of medical insurance.
Zike,
The claim of a full year of therapy with a gender psychologist as required has not been the case with my daughter. At all.
I do not know where you are that requires that, but the standard in Massachusetts is one of “informed consent” which only requires the patient stating he or she has the symptoms and has been informed of the effects of hormones.
This is not the way the medical or scientific research world has ever Been allowed to operate. Intensive and numerous studies are required by law before drugs can be administered to people. That is the law and that is a good thing.
Somehow, serious negligence has has been allowed to occur and it is simply wrong.
And THAT has nothing to do with opinion on anything. No studies have been done and that is negligence and fraud.
Zike first of al I have always been supportive of my daughter,but when she suddenly decided she was Trans at 18 for the first time ever,with any prior indication that she ever had a problem with her female gender, has decided after 2 years of convincing herself she is not a woman declared that she wants to have top surgery.
In San Francisco and probably California as a whole,she just needs to see a gender therapist once or twice and then can go ahead with her surgery free of charge, so not sure where you get your information of waiting a year. My daughter looks and acts like a girl,wears make up,girl clothes, long hair,does not want to take testosterone, but has grown to dislike her breasts.She may have body dysphoria or this hatred of her body part could be as a result of her dislike of men giving her too much attention.I don’t know. But all areas need to be explored without our kids self diagnosing as Trans and before rushing 8nto surgery, or other transitions which by the way are not always irreversible.
Aside from throwing a temper tantrum because there are people who disagree, Zike’s comment is so full of flat-out lies that it deserves no response.
Good heavens….since when does body angst, anxiety, and friendship issues mean that someone is transsexual? I think you, Zike, have no clue about the reality of what is going on, in particular with teen girls.
The huge issue is that these young wo/men once they reach 18 and self-diagnose (based on any number of issues, including the ones above that explain my own child), are able to plow ahead and medically transition. They do not need any diagnostics once they self-proclaim and they need no wait-time for counseling…they can find an informed consent clinic in many places now there they can quickly and easily attain testosterone/estrogen. Fast. The times has changed…we are post-2013.
The callousness with which medical transitioning is currently being treated, as the only option, is astonishing. Not so long ago, treatment for underlying issues was a requirement. Some detransitioners have found out the hard way that the old method is actually best…they ultimately found relief via treatment for those other issues…dissociation, depression/bipolar, ADHD…the list goes on.
We love our teenagers with all our hearts. We just want them to wait until their brains have fully developed (which only happens at 25), and go through their years of identity development, which includes sexual identity development. We just don’t want them to make mistakes they will bitterly regret when they are older. It is our responsibility as parents. Teenagers and young people are notoriously impulsive. This decreases as the frontal lobes develop. The research in this field is woefully inadequate and many studies have problems with how they are conducted, which renders their results meaningless.
My thoughts about one pathway is this: when you are a teenager it is very hard to withstand the onslaught of homophobia, from peers and society in general. More feminine guys and more masculine girls may start to absorb that homophobia into their subconscious minds. So then they genuinely feel that they are the opposite sex. But when they are older, that will often change as they find people who accept them as they are. And they start to accept themselves as they are.
Obviously their are different pathways as well.
I have a 10 year old daughter who, after learning from school friends & on-line friends about different sexuality options, has stated to me that she is pansexual and asexual. She now dresses in mostly black, wants to be called a different name, wants a tatto, wants gages for her ears, wants to get all of her long blonde hair cut off short (like a boy) and have it dyed blue, and I am not sure what is happening to her. I have read up on what pansexual and stuff means, but am still at a loss as to why a 10 year old, who has NEVER had any sort of sexual intimacy with anyone, is worried about what sexuality she is. I just really need some direction here and am so, so scared of losing my little girl. I want to understand her and help her. I have two older sons and have never had anything like this happening with them. Any advice as to what to do here?
For a 10 year old? My first advice is radically restrict the kid’s on-line time. This is ridiculous, where this all is going. These thoughts would not be arising in this tween population without social media.
You still have a lot of time but …. I’d be pretty hard line here, with a kid that young. Get her off the computer and the smartphone as much as humanly possible, and encourage her in other interests. Get her out in nature if you can, or in sports, or in service activities, or in hobbies, or anything that does not reinforce the driving need to obsess about yourself and your identity.
Tell her she does not need to be labeling her sexual preferences at this point in her life. (They should ALL be asexual at age 10, geez.)
She can always bitch to her friends about what a monster you are. Let her. Be loving, be sympathetic when she’s confused, but … be the parent.
Tell her it’s illegal to tattoo a minor in most states. Body piercing requires written consent from a parent or legal guardian. Just let her talk. But only talk. (The hair cuts, the color, the clothes, those are places where you might want to compromise. Up to you.)
My gnc kid really, really wanted ear gages at age 15, too. We said no. We said, “The decision to make big holes like that is a decision for an adult to make.” Kid was mad but … yeah.
Kid is still gnc, and who knows what the endgame is, but … she never got gages. A while back when I asked her about this once-cherished (she is now 19) she rolled her eyes and said, “Yeah, I was young, young kids want a lot of stupid things. Those things are gross.”
I kid you not.
I can see where you are coming from with this, but shouldn’t you at least try to help your child instead of trying to let them deal with everything by themselves? If they want to be trans, so be it. They are still your child, your flesh and blood. If they want to dress differently, be called differently. We shouldn’t let them do everything themselves and just stop helping them. If they are happy and not physically harming themselves, then let them be happy. We should be happy for them. This the generation of which is so much more accepting. I for one wouldn’t care if my kids wanted to be trans, poly, pan, or any kind of LGBTQ+, because in the end, they would still be my child. I would want them to be happy with their decisions and I would want to support them. I feel like you are just in denial, you may not be, I don’t know. It just comes off that way, I mean no disrespect when I say this though. I don’t expect everyone to accept or agree with my opinion, but I suggest you do take this to heart, because unlike your daughter, other parent’s children may not just fade out of it, if I were that kid, I would want my mother and father to love and accept me, and not push me away or refuse to help me with my goals. I would also like to point out, the Internet has nothing to do with this, if your so afraid of your child getting this off the internet, then you should be afraid of schools to, and sending your child outside in general. Letting your little boy watch beauty pagents on youtube or any form of social media isnt going to make them want to be a girl all of sudden. It will just make them realize that they seem comfortable with it and that it makes them happy. Thank you for taking your time to read this, I truly do hope you take this advice, to make it just a little easier for your child to discover themself and get through this hard ship.
See, there’s the crux, though, Charlie. You (and a lot of ppl like you) seem to think that transition has no connection to physical self-harm.
The fact that putting opposite-sex hormones into a body has significant medical consequences down the line is just ignored. The proven bad long-term side effects of so-called “blockers” is ignored. The undeniable risks of elective surgeries are ignored. The fertility aspects are ignored. The media and the social media all act like this is as innocuous a choice as becoming a vegetarian. But that’s just not the case.
You speak as though medical transition is just a persona a person can adopt to be happy, like being goth used to be, back in the day. But there’s a lot more to it than that. If it was your goal to be thin by using anorexia techniques, and that truly made you happy, would your parent be obligated to “support” you by helping you starve yourself, get liposuction, etc?
I guess we have a fundamental disagreement about what constitutes support and love and acceptance. None of us are trying to push our kids away. But we’ve all lived long enough, as parents, to maybe know some stuff about medical consequences and the burden of being chained to the medical system that our kids are not yet old enough to know. If they ultimately decide to go forward, as adults, at least they’ll have a better adult grasp of the risks they’re taking.
I hear your frustration and pain, Charlie. I wish you well.
I would argue that lobbying for happiness above and beyond any other human condition or value or measure is immature. Parents should be mature and weighing more than their child’s immediate happiness.
Charlie, I would suggest that you read over some of the information and material on this blog. I do understand that the parents on this blog are currently being viewed as “TERFs” and mis-guided, if not ignorant and bigoted, if not prudish and sexless, if not violent and hateful, if not destructive and vicious, harpies who do not deserve to have children in the first place and who do deserve to have those same children taken away from us and raised in an atmosphere of tolerance and love and all-around trans-positivity.
You may be interested to learn that we have deep sympathy and empathy for our children, that the vast majority of us would happily affirm our children’s gay and lesbian identities, that most of us are hardly “gender conforming” ourselves, and that to a person … we’re incredibly well-read and up on this stuff. It actually isn’t a question of us having to “get educated” on the underpinnings of the transgender movement – it’s the fact that we ARE educated that causes us to have the misgivings and objections that we do.
I understand that it’s easier to knock down your “opponent” if you can characterize her views as uneducated and simplistic. This is where I assume, for instance, your comment that we believe our children merely “picked this up on the internet” comes from. In fact, what we have seen with our own children is that they do feel pain and sensitivity, especially girls living in a deeply sexist society, but that the easy transmission of ideas and ideologies, not to mention social pressure, that our children receive via the internet, does play a role. We have a considerably more nuanced view of the role that online networking plays in our children’s lives, than simply to say, “oh, it’s just some internet fad” which you can easily dismiss by saying, “stop being afraid of the internet.” We do understand that it’s a lot more complicated than that – and that is why we would argue for our children having a broad range of therapeutic options and treatments, rather than a simplistic “affirm only” approach.
The other posters have more than adequately addressed the “known unknowns” involved in medical transition, and why a responsible parent would want to exercise due care before involving a child with these. It’s hardly uncaring, not to want to subject your own child to untested and potentially highly dangerous medical procedures and treatments. The caring and responsible parent is the one who argues for the conservative approach of “first, do no harm.”
Excellent post, worried mom.
All things Worried Mom says are true. Especially the points about loving our children and being VERY well informed on the topic from all angles, which is what being well informed entails.