Parents, keep listening to your gut—not the gender therapist

A few months ago, my teenage daughter stopped trying to “pass” as male. She dropped the self-defined-as-male uniform, the stereotyped swagger and the fake-deepened voice and just—moved on. Her fervent desire to be seen and treated as a boy faded away, just as other formerly unshakable ideas and urges had in the past. And our relationship has never been better.

Although I’ve allowed myself to exhale, just a little, she will remain at risk, because every sector of society—the media, the government, the schools, medicine and psychology–is now saturated with the message that trans is real; trans is good;  and if you’re a “gender nonconforming” girl, you just might actually be a boy.

What did I, and the other adults who love her, do? It hasn’t been easy. In fact, for a time it was a living hell, a purgatory of slammed doors, stony silence, yelling matches, and mostly—waiting.

There was no magic answer. We rode it out. I learned something about keeping my mouth shut. About saying my piece and then leaving it be.  About living with uncertainty.  We didn’t cater to demands for instant gratification. We paid for and encouraged activities that would get her out into nature and off the Internet. Mostly, we waited.

We drew a clear line in the sand: There would be no money to pay for a gender therapist, testosterone, or a binder. If she wanted to pursue those things at the age of medical majority, that would be her choice—and it would be on her dime. Not always successfully, we tried to calmly and sparingly convey the message that however she dressed, whatever interests she pursued, she was a female—perhaps an unusual one, but a young woman nevertheless, who might someday become a role model to show other girls just how amazing and truly expansive a woman can be.

Like many who read this blog, I phoned gender therapists during the weeks after her announcement that she was trans. Without even meeting my child in the flesh, all four of these therapists talked to me like this trans thing was a done deal. I wrote about one of those conversations here. One very friendly therapist, who identifies as FTM and whose website stressed “his” commitment to “informed consent,” assured me that there was no need for my daughter to first experience a sexual or romantic relationship before deciding whether she was trans. “Most of the young people just skip that step now,” the therapist said.

Skip that step? I thought back to my own adolescence. I didn’t even begin to have a clear idea of who I was, as a sexual being, until after I’d had more than one relationship. It took years for me to come to know my body’s nuances and intricacies, its capacity for pleasure, how I might feel in relation to another.

This same therapist signed my kid up for a “trans teen” support group scheduled for the following week—again, without ever having met her. “There’s nothing you or I can do about your daughter being trans,” said another therapist… on the phone, without having met my kid. Yet another therapist refused to talk to me at all; insisted she’d have to have a private appointment with my kid first.

Contrary to the myth promulgated by the transition promoters, at least in the United States, there is no slow and careful assessment of these kids who profess to be trans. The trend is to kick out the gatekeepers, and  move towards a simple model of “informed consent”: If you say you’re trans, you are–no matter how young and no matter when you “realized” you were trans.

All these therapists seemed well meaning enough. They believed they were doing the correct thing. But with each conversation, I felt more and more uneasy. My gut feeling that something wasn’t right led me to research, to question…to put the brakes on. And the more I read, and thought, and understood, the more determined I became to find an alternative. I started this blog out of sheer desperation. I needed to find someone, anyone, who understood what I was going through. I needed other parents to talk to—badly.

My kid never did go to a gender therapist. Never did sit in a room full of “trans teens.” If she had, I feel certain she’d be sporting a beard right now.

When I first started blogging, I got a lot of hate mail. In every anonymous drive-by comment, the hater referred to my “son” who would grow up to hate my guts. “He” would surely commit suicide, and more than one of them wished me a lifetime of misery when that inevitably happened. Even the mildest posts resulted in hostile reblogs from strangers who had not the slightest idea of my family’s situation.

At first, these anonymous barbs stung, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that I could rely on my inner parental compass. Because, see, I know my daughter. I knew, when she suddenly began spouting the gender-policed jargon planted in her head by Tumblr trans activists, that this wasn’t who she really was. This was a girl who, all through childhood, was never “gender conforming” but who was secure in herself because I’d made sure she knew, via my words and my example, that girls could be and do anything.

Most of all, I knew she needed me—not to blindly “support” and give in to her every demand, but to simply BE THERE, even as a limit; a steady place she could push and rail against. It was scary, and painful, being on the receiving end of teen outrage.  Because a teenager does have the right to start making some of their own decisions. And because no parent gets it right all the time. (Paradoxically, part of being a halfway decent parent is knowing how imperfect you are at the job.) But one thing became more and more clear to me:  my child did not need a parent who would collaborate in sending her down a road to being a permanent medical patient. In fact, she needed protection from the very same people who were sending me hate mail on Tumblr.

Not so long ago, child and adolescent psychologists—people who actually study the development of young human beings—were frequently cited and quoted. These experts, as well as every other rational adult, were well aware that kids shift identities: try this one on, shed it like a snake skin, try on another. Younger kids go through a long and wonderful period of make believe and magical thinking. They are actually convinced they ARE the identity they try on. And adolescents are renowned for trying on hairstyles, belief systems, clothing styles—only to discard them after a few weeks, months, or maybe even years.

In contrast to today’s transgender-soaked paradigm, when a kid’s announcement that they are the opposite sex is taken at face value, it has been acknowledged for decades that parents are largely responsible for the inculcation of gender stereotypes into their children’s minds. Children aren’t born hating their sexed bodies. They only grow to reject themselves when someone they look up to promotes the idea that their likes and dislikes in clothing, toys, activities, or other pursuits are seen as incongruent with their natal sex.

 A child’s burgeoning sense of self, or self-concept, is a result of the multitude of ideas, attitudes, behaviors, and beliefs that he or she is exposed to. The information that surrounds the child and which the child internalizes comes to the child within the family arena through parent-child interactions, role modeling, reinforcement for desired behaviors, and parental approval or disapproval (Santrock, 1994). As children move into the larger world of friends and school, many of their ideas and beliefs are reinforced by those around them. A further reinforcement of acceptable and appropriate behavior is shown to children through the media, in particular, television. Through all these socialization agents, children learn gender stereotyped behavior. As children develop, these gender stereotypes become firmly entrenched beliefs and thus, are a part of the child’s self-concept.

… Often, parents give subtle messages regarding gender and what is acceptable for each gender – messages that are internalized by the developing child (Arliss, 1991). Sex role stereotypes are well established in early childhood. Messages about what is appropriate based on gender are so strong that even when children are exposed to different attitudes and experiences, they will revert to stereotyped choices (Haslett, Geis, & Carter, 1992).

But now, we have people like this–the mother of a six-year-old girl who has “transitioned” to male, writing storybooks to indoctrinate kindergartners. To suggest to them that they, too, might really be the opposite sex:

“Can the doctor have made a mistake? Was I supposed to have been born a boy? Am I the only kid in the world like this?”

Deep down, Jo Hirst had been anticipating these questions. And she knew she had to get the answers right.

It was bedtime, and her six-year-old was curled up on her lap. Assigned female at birth, from 18 months of age Hirst’s son* had never wanted to wear female clothing and always played with boys.

I challenge anyone to find me a single account of a “transgender child” which does NOT resort to talking about toys, hairstyle, clothing, or play stereotypes to justify the diagnosis of “trans” in a young child.

Our kids are being cheated of the opportunity, the breathing space, to simply explore who they are without a gaggle of adults jumping in to interfere with the process by “validating” their frequently transient identities. Kids are being encouraged to freeze their sense of self in a moment in time, during the period of life when everything is in flux. And even though key researchers have said over and over again that most gender dysphoric kids “desist” and grow up to be gay or lesbian; even though the latest research denies any such thing as a “male” or “female” brain, parents are encouraged to socially transition their kids, put them on “puberty blockers,” and refer to them by “preferred pronouns.”

For very young children, this cementing of the child’s identity in a period when they most need the freedom to simply play and explore—to “make believe”—is essentially stunting the child’s development.

Young children go through a stage where it is difficult for them to distinguish reality from fantasy.  Among many other things, it’s why we have ratings on films. A young child can’t understand that the monster onscreen is not real.

Research indicates that children begin to learn the difference between fantasy and reality between the ages of 3 and 5 (University of Texas, 2006).  However, in various contexts, situations, or individual circumstances, children may still have difficulty discerning the difference between fantasy and reality as old as age 8 or 9, and even through age 11 or 12. For some children this tendency may be stronger than with others.

Just exactly what is motivating doctors and psychologists to jettison decades of research and clinical practice in favor of a completely unsubstantiated and unproven hypothesis of “transgender from birth”? The glib answer is: suicide. But if a gender nonconforming youth expresses the desire to self harm, encouraging that youth to further dissociate from their whole selves (because the body and mind, contrary to the bleating of trans activists, are not separate units, but a whole) is not a responsible way to support mental health.  As this commenter said in a recent post on GenderTrender:

 Wow. Conservatives aren’t the only ones who suck at science. Brain sex? Seriously? If you’re allegedly born in the wrong body, why doesn’t your brain count as part of the “wrong body”? Your brain is telling the truth but the rest of your body is a liar? Wtf? This shit is as sensible as scientology.

And when it comes to teens,

 Teens often pick up on cues and assimilate ideas presented in movies/films viewed in the movie theater and other sources, (online sources for watching movies now eclipse movie theater viewings or film DVD rentals for teens), and while teens already understand the difference between fantasy and reality, they may still absorb or become attached to ideas that are powerfully presented in films but that have no basis in reality, the teen not having enough experience or knowledge to sort propaganda from fact, fiction from reality. Films, television programs, music and statements from celebrities can [and do] become a part of the thinking and emotional/psychological makeup of teens and children.

This used to be a “duh” thing. Are teens influenced by what they imbibe, what’s in fashion, what celebrities (like Jazz Jennings and “Caitlyn” Jenner and Laverne Cox) are doing,  what their peers are saying and doing? Might socially isolated teens be even more swayed by what they see on social media, while they sit for hours, alone in their rooms?

Facebook depression,” defined as emotional disturbance that develops when preteens and teens spend a great deal of time on social media sites, is now a very real malady. Recent studies have shown that comparisons are the main cause of Facebook depression; the study showed that down-comparison (comparing with inferiors) was just as likely to cause depression as up-comparison (comparing with people better than oneself).

…Other risks of extensive social networking among youth are loss of privacy, sharing too much information, and disconnect from reality.

My daughter, like so many others I’ve now heard about, emerged from months of self-imposed social isolation and YouTube/Reddit binges, to announce, out of the blue, that she was transgender. And simply for questioning this, for refusing to hop aboard the train, I’ve been labeled a “child abuser” of my “son”? Until the last few years, parents who recognized that teens go through phases weren’t considered abusive. They were considered well informed.

Not so long ago, parents and helping professionals neither interfered with nor bolstered a particular identity that a kid was trying on. Everyone understood this was an important part of growing up: to allow our young to experiment, to see what worked and what didn’t. It’s called the development of a self. It takes years. It’s not even complete at 21. The self doesn’t emerge, fully formed and immutable at birth. It develops in response to experience, to love, and to adversity.

Given my own daughter’s desistence from the idea that she is or was ever “transgender,” I feel even more strongly that parents are right to resist the push by every sector of society to identify “gender dysphoric” young people as “trans.”

So you bet I’m going to keep doing what I can to support parents who want to challenge and at least delay an adolescent’s decision to permanently alter body or mind with hormones and surgeries. You bet I’m going to try to save my own kid from what amounts to a cult that won’t let you leave if you change your mind, without serious social consequences. You bet I’m going to continue to protect my daughter and others like her from a lifetime of difficulty, from the rapacious medical industry that is profiting from the regressive resurgence and marketing of gender stereotypes.

You can also bet that I’m going to continue shedding light on the frankly insane practice of labeling very young children as transgender, grooming and conditioning them as preschoolers to believe their own bodies are somehow wrong and alien, that they must undergo teasing and torment from other children, that they must wear prosthetics to amplify or hide their own genitalia to be accepted as they are. Or just as bad: That the entire world must be browbeaten into redefining  biological reality such that “some girls have penises” and “some boys have vaginas.”

And this work is not just about protecting kids. It’s also about supporting family members and friends who are so deeply affected by the transgender narrative.  The trans activists, the media, the doctors and psychiatrists–none of them talk about the terrible damage done to the family system, to the fabric of close relationships, when a child “transitions.”  All the activists have to say is that the skeptical parents and loved ones are “transphobes.” No one talks about the fact that the majority of these dysphoric kids would grow up to be gay or lesbian adults if not interfered with;  adults with healthy, intact bodies, not poisoned by drugs and carved up by surgeons’ knives.

So we have to keep talking about it. We have to keep the lights on in our corner of the Internet, even if only to document this strange medical and cultural fad for future historians.

Thanks to everyone who is traveling this road with me. While I know we often feel swamped and hopeless, we have each other for strength and courage. And for now, that will have to be enough.


623 thoughts on “Parents, keep listening to your gut—not the gender therapist

  1. Dear Balancing game, thank you for your post. You express my feelings about name choice exactly. We could conceive for years and when we finally had our only child we named her Hope. We sang her name and whispered it, made storyou books about Hope. The hardest parts of this are fear for our child (who has no real world friends having rejected them as transphobic) and grief because that little girl has gone. We’re not supposed to show old photos , she is furious when we reminisce with other family about past holidays etc. We’re not allowed to grieve but I feel that I’ve list the little girl I carried and nursed and named and sang to every day. I’m sorry not to be more positive for you, I just wanted to say me too. x

    Liked by 3 people

    • You both have every right to grieve over the name And the memories attached to them. When my daughter first started going down the path that totally hurt me. I just looked at her one day snd said , ” I birthed a girl named XXXX, I don’t know this person that you claim to be.” I was being completely honest with her when I said that I had no connection to XXXX (the new name). I made to apologies. I’m not superhuman and I let her know I couldn’t connect with any of it. Thankfully, she turned it around (through a lot of prayer) but I’m still on this blog and my heart continues to break every single time I read about the agony of another family going through this awful, evil situation. I continue to pray for everyone hurting b cause of this completely unacceptable trend. It is just like murder. Killing off the baby you had and replacing that child with a complete different gendered person and you are supposed to be unaffected? No Way is that natural. I told my daughter while I was battling through it that she was being undeniably cruel to a mother that only ever loved and cared for her with every fiber in my body. Call me selfish, but I thought what she was considering was completely selfish and I did not tip toe around it. I have feelings too and they counted just as much. This is a TRAGEDY for families going through this.

      Liked by 4 people

      • So my 18 year old talented, off the IQ charts, and beautiful baby boy was physically tortured, abused, and emotionally assaulted by his father till he was 15 when my husband finally left (he abused the rest of us, just not nearly as much physically). He HATED his son. My son has repeatedly asked for an apology for the abuse–this is all he wants from him, but his father denies that he did anything wrong (Not to mention, the night he walked out, in was a hailstorm of blood and glass). Meanwhile because this is child he can easily manipulate, he does so quite well. He’s isolated, dropped out of high school (he graduated now) and has NO motivation in life (and this is the kid that is able to teach physics without taking classes), wanting to sleep it away, He’s a screen addict. I made the mistake of getting him a cell phone at 15–didn’t for the other kid till she went to college at 17. He’s perpetually on a screen with porn (yes, I know some is natural), gaming, and apparently constantly texting to ‘friends’. He’s deeply religious (of his own choosing–no thing fanatical, just is like us)

        Last night, after working all day (he works on grant funding for research) we come home and he says “I don’t know how to say this….I’m trans”. WHATTTTT?

        Does he want to be a girl because his father was better to his sister? Is this an ‘idea’ in his head from the internet? He apparently has a ‘friend’ that ran away (where’d he get her? he NEVER goes out, won’t get a driver’s license, won’t really do much, and yes, I’ve gotten therapy, meds–the whole nine yards and then some b/c I am a well-connected prominent clinician myself). WHAT in the world? He never dressed like a girl. He never said anything before now. He never acted different. The only thing different about him is that he’s never had friends his own age. He’s always fit in with kids much older than him…but then, his IQ is 160 and he’s becoming a well recognized musician across the state, and US). And he tells me, given that he’s never had a girlfriend either, that he’s just wanting to be a girl and be asexual! WHAT IN THE WORLD? I gave both kids a gap year away, to several countries, and he comes back with this?? (they went to study art, culture, etc.) Having spent a fair amount of time on the internet when he was away (I didn’t go with them as I have to work). My response, as I’m not an alarmist, at least not externally, was that since frontal lobes don’t finish forming till the age of 26, that no decisions that could affect his forming brain would be made then. And that since coincidentally he would finish med school then (he has always wanted to be a surgeon), that he would be enabled with much more true factual information, and would be best suited to make these decisions at this point. I didn’t say ‘no’ in any way–that just drives people away, but then, I hope this doesn’t give the impression that I support this idiocy. I just got on cardiac meds this week, after battling with unrelenting chest pain (I was born a heart patient) and this is NOT helping…and no, while it’s not about me, it is at least here, right?)

        I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to be able to actually speak with some parents who have this, for lack of a better word, ridiculousness going on.

        Liked by 3 people

      • My heart goes out to you. Severe trauma is part of this. Go to Thirdwaytrans. He’s a psychologist and desisted. Might be able to help you.

        Liked by 1 person

      • This reply is to DBTShrink (even though it may not nest correctly). Welcome to this board, as we say – good to see you, not that you have to be. I can’t imagine being in your professional position, where the acceptance of trans dogma appears nearly universal, and having to cope with your son and his issues.

        I am sure you’re in a much better position than I am to evaluate the clinical research and studies in the area. I would strongly advise you to review the “40% suicide rate” canard that is frequently weaponized to terrorize parents in our situation.

        Many of us with adult or nearly-adult children have come to the conclusion that, while we are certainly supportive of and loving towards out children, this does not mean affirming them in their ideas regarding gender and the necessity that they make a physical change to reflect these beliefs. Many parents (myself included) feel that we are well within our rights to tell our adult children that if, as and when they wish to undergo transgender “body mods,” they need to be able to organize these and personally pay for them without parental supervision or input. You may want to figure out whether your insurance plan pays for transition related procedures (since I assume your son can still access those benefits).

        There is an awful to read and learn about in this area. The transgender lobby would prefer that we all shut our eyes and ear tightly and refuse even to question, much less explore and research on our own. It’s a lonely place to be, for sure.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Also for dbtshrink. Transgender is illogical at the best of times but with asexual trans it just levelled up. If you are not using your genitals why bother changing them to another set of genitals that will go equally unused? It sounds like the start of a Monty Python sketch.

        This is so common with very high IQ that there was a joke along the lines that the gifted centre should be across the street from the LGBT centre so it would be a short walk. And with someone in the ‘closer to 200’ club, I’m guessing this is just the tip of the iceberg of weird. Are either of you involved in the gifted community? Come over to Crushing Tall Poppies, we may be of help with the gifted end of this (I haven’t seen trans discussed on this website but I think it’s the best starting point). It at least offers an explanation for the feeling of never belonging without defying reality.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. This has been refreshing to read. My daughter took gender studies classes in college and now suddenly says that she is pan-sexual, gender fluid. She acts cold and non-communicative to us, her parents and we have always had a close, open relationship with her all her life before. It is like she has been taken by a cult. She has always been a very feminine girl. We are heartbroken with this sudden change in her relationship with us.

    Liked by 3 people

    • When my daughter got involved in this “cult” the very first thing I noticed was how cold she became to me. She was always warm, funny and very loving. I could not believe that was MY girl. Again, thanks to God I was able to get her back. Is the most disturbing thing I have ever encountered. Prayers to all.

      Liked by 3 people

    • We are going through the same thing. Our daughter is now 21 and no longer lives with us all of this looks familiar I missed as if reading from a call to Playbook give in to them when they arrive at College. after our daughter came home from freshman year shortly thereafter she picked a fight with me and I didn’t really understand what was going on. It was a really stupid fight because it was just about getting rats as pets for the next year and College. We went ahead and got them because she assured us that she had already cleared the way for them to be allowed. A month later a transgender twenty-six-year-old person picked her up while I was not at home. And shortly after that she had taken hormones and her voice was deeper at least if she made it appear that way. She insisted that this person is her friend and is just helping her stay afloat. Make no mistake this is a called and they take care of each other and these people are talking there are children, making them believe that we know nothing we don’t understand them how could we possibly understand them? The answer seems to be knocked the family out of their lives. I can tell you my youngest has been Shattered by this and we occasionally see our daughter who is now very manly dresses like a boy and still hangs out with his person and they are very close. Where do I start? We just try to keep in touch with her ask her a lot of questions and tell her that we love her and miss her.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Dear tboxwood and every other parent going through this “nightmare” with their children. I understand how y’all feel … my 22 year old daughter has been taking Testosterone shots for almost 2 years, is growing facial hair, has grown extremely “cold” to her family, and is planning on having top surgery….. There is NO pain like the pain caused by a turn of events such as this in the life of your child….
      Before I found this blog, I began one of my own because I wanted to try and help other parents that are dealing with this same experience. I just wanted to invite any of you to read my blog, too. Please feel free to pass this link on to anyone who you think might benefit from it as well …

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for this blog article. I got a letter from my 13 year old daughter yesterday filled with information for me telling me she has “never been attracted to any guys in her entire life” and that she is technically polyromantic. She’s 13! Of course she hasn’t been attracted to guys! And, she’s not “polyromantic” – she isn’t ANY romantic – did I mention she’s 13! Everything you said in this blog about the media messages and saturation and brainwashing were what I was feeling all day. You put all of it into words. I’m just getting started on this roller coaster ride and I thank you for giving me some strength to hang on.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. oh thank goodness I found this post, your words perfectly express what has been disturbing me! Thank you for sharing your story, you have given me the strength to stand up and do what I believe is truly right for my child.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I personally feel like your daughter just gave up trying to make you understand. I would not be surprised if after she leaves and is stable with people who would accept her she transitions. I know I would never transition with my parents knowing as they are unaccepting.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yet another Internet parenting expert who just can’t believe that some young people actually change their minds and find peace in their bodies. It’s a good thing my daughter, and others like her, have figured out that a lifetime spent injecting drugs and haunting surgeons’ office isn’t the path she chooses.

      Liked by 3 people

  6. This is for all the people who replied to dbtshrink: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. My gratitude for direction has no words. I looked at thirdwaytrans, and I like what I see–realism. I am open to all suggestions, to everything anyone has to offer, including therapists that are actually good, and don’t just sit around validating the invalid, don’t just “uh-hmmm, that must be awful” in response to every sentence uttered. If you think of anything in the future, PLEASE let me know. After what this family has survived, and the amazing positive changes that were happening for all 3 of us now, I feel so blindsided. Again, I thank you for your time, and advice.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. (formerly dbtshrink–who is GRATEFUL for all the support and advice)

    I would like to say, that not all people who are licensed in the clinical psych field are actually ‘therapists’. In fact, I resent being called one. I feel that people who come to us don’t know what to DO about the WHAT that is going on…and that they don’t need someone to just listen and validate blindly. We lead people down a grueling path of questioning in every session–a solid 60 minutes, for one year, not to exceed 18 months (at that point, we’ve exhausted what we know of what we have in us to teach). The profession is largely a sham. Behaviorists who have the guts to question, actually TELL patients what they are missing, tell the TRUTH–and no, I am not advocating my personal values or ‘my truth’…are what is necessary. I have had so many patients whom I’ve guided to a decision that I personally wouldn’t have made for my own personal self, but that is truly right for them. A LOT of the problems that folks without severe organic disorders have are exacerbated by ‘therapists’. It’s unethical at best to keep patients in therapy for a paycheck. A reputation and one’s practice MUST be developed on one’s ability to effectively treat, and RESOLVE issues in a timely manner. This is why I struggle to find clinicians worth anything in the state. For the 35+ people we’ve helped resolve their identity issues and find peace for themselves without scarring themselves further–emotionally or physically, there’s the one that we helped transition because it was a real calling for her/him, and there was no genuine trauma, it was truly, truly right for them, it wasn’t some crusade, and his family wasn’t in shambles either. My point–I am not prejudiced against anything but fads for their own sake. For all of you who found clinicians who were worthy of their titles, I am thrilled for you and the child they helped–and I WANT to know them. I know that they are out there; they are just hard to find…we don’t need a paid ‘best friend’. We need answers on what to do, how to do it, when to do it….this is in large part, my panic. I don’t want to end up with someone who is ‘accepting’ of everything, and tries to lead me or leads him down a most torturous path forever. I want someone who will not exacerbate his traumas, and will put an end to them, before this runaway train crashes. If it sounds like I am angry…rest assured, I am–and this started 20 years ago when I saw what ‘therapists’ were doing to patients and I vowed to never be one of them. If anyone knows of a good clinician, I’ll take what referrals I can get.

    I have never ever turned to the internet for answers or guidance. I consider myself unbelievably lucky to have found this resource and some logical people. Darkest Yorkshire–thanks for the resources; and I LOVE your sense of humor/outlook/vibe. Marie, THANK YOU for thirdwaytrans.

    Much gratitude in advance.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thanks, glad I could help. While I agree five sessions of psychoanalysis a week for years is excessive, I suspect funding cuts and enthusiasm for brief therapies are leading to rush jobs and contributing to the whole trans mess. I also thought for years that motivational interviewing was practically a miracle, but what would happen if it was used on somebody who thinks they are trans?

      What school of psychotherapy are you from (or if you don’t like that word what would you call it)? You had DBT in your name but from what you said I would guess rational emotive behaviour therapy as well. (Note to everyone else – if I’ve guessed wrong it’s worse than misgendering and it will be swords at dawn.) 😉


  8. Thanks everyone! After three glasses of wine I have discovered I am a non binary non conforming parent. And I am thinking if changing my name to Mario. Just adding some comic relief to this crappie trial called life.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I don’t want to make a huge rant of this or anything, but you do understand that as a teen it’s not easy to find yourself. one second you might be this then that but that’s Fine, that person is valid regardless. gender is on a spectrum, it is not just male or female. so if our daughter or son suddenly changed it doesn’t mean they were confused and that it was just a phase. their are more gender identities than just trans- I myself am gender fluid and for now I might feel like a guy and then for the rest of my life might feel like I’m a girl or vice versa or I will constantly change over the gender spectrum for the rest of my life. regardless I just want you to understand that and realize gender isn’t this whole thought out thing, it’s different for everyone. and I understand that something like paying for a gender therapist or the therapists them self being a nuisance or maybe just fear that your child would have made the ‘mistake’ of transitioning is a bit harrowing just please Realize that just because this happened to your child doesn’t mean you have reason to go against others who do feel they aren’t cis, cause as I said there is no ‘one way’ for gender. the fact that your child suddenly ‘changed their mind’ doesn’t mean that all this gender stuff is bullshit. and though I disagree with a lot of things you said I do appreciate you caring for your child in that you supported them.
    also I didn’t Rea this whole articlee 1.because I very much dislike it and 2.i’m a bum


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