A few months ago, my teenage daughter stopped trying to “pass” as male. She dropped the self-defined-as-male uniform, the stereotyped swagger and the fake-deepened voice and just—moved on. Her fervent desire to be seen and treated as a boy faded away, just as other formerly unshakable ideas and urges had in the past. And our relationship has never been better.
Although I’ve allowed myself to exhale, just a little, she will remain at risk, because every sector of society—the media, the government, the schools, medicine and psychology–is now saturated with the message that trans is real; trans is good; and if you’re a “gender nonconforming” girl–one who prefers the clothing, activities, and hairstyle more typical of the opposite sex– you just might actually be a boy.
What did I, and the other adults who love her, do? It hasn’t been easy. In fact, for a time it was a living hell, a purgatory of slammed doors, stony silence, yelling matches, and mostly—waiting.
There was no magic answer. We rode it out. I learned something about keeping my mouth shut. About saying my piece and then leaving it be. About living with uncertainty. We didn’t cater to demands for instant gratification. We paid for and encouraged activities that would get her out into nature and off the Internet. Mostly, we waited.
We drew a clear line in the sand: There would be no money to pay for a gender therapist, testosterone, or a binder. If she wanted to pursue those things at the age of medical majority, that would be her choice—and it would be on her dime. At the same time, we let her know that her clothing and hairstyle choices were hers to make. Not always successfully, we tried to calmly and sparingly convey the message that however she dressed, whatever interests she pursued, she was a female—perhaps an unusual one, but a young woman nevertheless, who might someday become a role model to show other girls just how amazing and truly expansive a woman can be.
Like many who read this blog, I phoned gender therapists during the weeks after her announcement that she was trans. Without even meeting my child in the flesh, all four of these therapists talked to me like this trans thing was a done deal. I wrote about one of those conversations here. One very friendly therapist, who identifies as FTM and whose website stressed “his” commitment to “informed consent,” assured me that there was no need for my daughter to first experience a sexual or romantic relationship before deciding whether she was trans. “Most of the young people just skip that step now,” the therapist said.
Skip that step? I thought back to my own adolescence. I didn’t even begin to have a clear idea of who I was, as a sexual being, until after I’d had more than one relationship. It took years for me to come to know my body’s nuances and intricacies, its capacity for pleasure, how I might feel in relation to another.
This same therapist signed my kid up for a “trans teen” support group scheduled for the following week—again, without ever having met her. “There’s nothing you or I can do about your daughter being trans,” said another therapist… on the phone, without having met my kid. Yet another therapist refused to talk to me at all; insisted she’d have to have a private appointment with my kid first.
Contrary to the myth promulgated by the transition promoters, at least in the United States, there is no slow and careful assessment of these kids who profess to be trans. The trend is to kick out the gatekeepers, and move towards a simple model of “informed consent”: If you say you’re trans, you are–no matter how young and no matter when you “realized” you were trans.
All these therapists seemed well meaning enough. They believed they were doing the correct thing. But with each conversation, I felt more and more uneasy. My gut feeling that something wasn’t right led me to research, to question…to put the brakes on. And the more I read, and thought, and understood, the more determined I became to find an alternative. I started this blog out of sheer desperation. I needed to find someone, anyone, who understood what I was going through. I needed other parents to talk to—badly.
My kid never did go to a gender therapist. Never did sit in a room full of “trans teens.” If she had, I feel certain she’d be sporting a beard right now.
When I first started blogging, I got a lot of hate mail. In every anonymous drive-by comment, the hater referred to my “son” who would grow up to hate my guts. “He” would surely commit suicide, and more than one of them wished me a lifetime of misery when that inevitably happened. Even the mildest posts resulted in hostile reblogs from strangers who had not the slightest idea of my family’s situation.
At first, these anonymous barbs stung, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that I could rely on my inner parental compass. Because, see, I know my daughter. I knew, when she suddenly began spouting the gender-policed jargon planted in her head by Tumblr trans activists, that this wasn’t who she really was. This was a girl who, all through childhood, was never “gender conforming” but who was secure in herself because I’d made sure she knew, via my words and my example, that girls could be and do anything.
Most of all, I knew she needed me—not to blindly “support” and give in to her every demand, but to simply BE THERE, even as a limit; a steady place she could push and rail against. It was scary, and painful, being on the receiving end of teen outrage. Because a teenager does have the right to make some of their own decisions. And because no parent gets it right all the time. (Paradoxically, part of being a halfway decent parent is knowing how imperfect you are at the job.) But one thing became more and more clear to me: my child did not need a parent who would collaborate in sending her down a road to being a permanent medical patient. In fact, she needed protection from the very same people who were sending me hate mail on Tumblr.
Not so long ago, child and adolescent psychologists—people who actually study the development of young human beings—were frequently cited and quoted. These experts, as well as every other rational adult, were well aware that kids shift identities: try this one on, shed it like a snake skin, try on another. Younger kids go through a long and wonderful period of make believe and magical thinking. They are actually convinced they ARE the identity they try on. And adolescents are renowned for trying on hairstyles, belief systems, clothing styles—only to discard them after a few weeks, months, or maybe even years.
In contrast to today’s transgender-soaked paradigm, when a kid’s announcement that they are the opposite sex is taken at face value, it has been previously acknowledged–for decades–that parents are largely responsible for the inculcation of gender stereotypes into their children’s minds. Children aren’t born hating their sexed bodies. They only grow to reject themselves when someone they look up to promotes the idea that their likes and dislikes in clothing, toys, activities, or other pursuits are seen as incongruent with their natal sex.
A child’s burgeoning sense of self, or self-concept, is a result of the multitude of ideas, attitudes, behaviors, and beliefs that he or she is exposed to. The information that surrounds the child and which the child internalizes comes to the child within the family arena through parent-child interactions, role modeling, reinforcement for desired behaviors, and parental approval or disapproval (Santrock, 1994). As children move into the larger world of friends and school, many of their ideas and beliefs are reinforced by those around them. A further reinforcement of acceptable and appropriate behavior is shown to children through the media, in particular, television. Through all these socialization agents, children learn gender stereotyped behavior. As children develop, these gender stereotypes become firmly entrenched beliefs and thus, are a part of the child’s self-concept.
… Often, parents give subtle messages regarding gender and what is acceptable for each gender – messages that are internalized by the developing child (Arliss, 1991). Sex role stereotypes are well established in early childhood. Messages about what is appropriate based on gender are so strong that even when children are exposed to different attitudes and experiences, they will revert to stereotyped choices (Haslett, Geis, & Carter, 1992).
But now, we have people like this: the mother of a six-year-old girl who has “transitioned” to male, writing storybooks to indoctrinate kindergartners. To suggest to them that they, too, might really be the opposite sex:
“Can the doctor have made a mistake? Was I supposed to have been born a boy? Am I the only kid in the world like this?”
Deep down, Jo Hirst had been anticipating these questions. And she knew she had to get the answers right.
It was bedtime, and her six-year-old was curled up on her lap. Assigned female at birth, from 18 months of age Hirst’s son* had never wanted to wear female clothing and always played with boys.
I challenge anyone to find me a single account of a “transgender child” which does NOT resort to talking about toys, hairstyle, clothing, or play stereotypes to justify the diagnosis of “trans” in a young child.
Our kids are being cheated of the opportunity, the breathing space, to simply explore who they are without a gaggle of adults jumping in to interfere with the process by “validating” their frequently transient identities. Kids are being encouraged to freeze their sense of self in a moment in time, during the period of life when everything is in flux. And even though key researchers have said over and over again that most gender dysphoric kids “desist” and grow up to be gay or lesbian; even though the latest research denies any such thing as a “male” or “female” brain, parents are encouraged to socially transition their kids, put them on “puberty blockers,” and refer to them by “preferred pronouns.”
For very young children, this cementing of the child’s identity in a period when they most need the freedom to simply play and explore—to “make believe”—is essentially stunting the child’s development.
Young children go through a stage where it is difficult for them to distinguish reality from fantasy. Among many other things, it’s why we have ratings on films. A young child can’t understand that the monster onscreen is not real.
Research indicates that children begin to learn the difference between fantasy and reality between the ages of 3 and 5 (University of Texas, 2006). However, in various contexts, situations, or individual circumstances, children may still have difficulty discerning the difference between fantasy and reality as old as age 8 or 9, and even through age 11 or 12. For some children this tendency may be stronger than with others.
Just exactly what is motivating doctors and psychologists to jettison decades of research and clinical practice in favor of a completely unsubstantiated and unproven hypothesis of “transgender from birth”? The glib answer is: suicide. But if a gender nonconforming youth expresses the desire to self harm, encouraging that youth to further dissociate from their whole selves (because the body and mind, contrary to the bleating of trans activists, are not separate units, but a whole) is not a responsible way to support mental health. As this commenter said in a recent post on GenderTrender:
Wow. Conservatives aren’t the only ones who suck at science. Brain sex? Seriously? If you’re allegedly born in the wrong body, why doesn’t your brain count as part of the “wrong body”? Your brain is telling the truth but the rest of your body is a liar? Wtf? This shit is as sensible as scientology.
Teens often pick up on cues and assimilate ideas presented in movies/films viewed in the movie theater and other sources, (online sources for watching movies now eclipse movie theater viewings or film DVD rentals for teens), and while teens already understand the difference between fantasy and reality, they may still absorb or become attached to ideas that are powerfully presented in films but that have no basis in reality, the teen not having enough experience or knowledge to sort propaganda from fact, fiction from reality. Films, television programs, music and statements from celebrities can [and do] become a part of the thinking and emotional/psychological makeup of teens and children.
This used to be a “duh” thing. Are teens influenced by what they imbibe, what’s in fashion, what celebrities (like Jazz Jennings and “Caitlyn” Jenner and Laverne Cox) are doing, what their peers are saying and doing? Might socially isolated teens be even more swayed by what they see on social media, while they sit for hours, alone in their rooms?
“Facebook depression,” defined as emotional disturbance that develops when preteens and teens spend a great deal of time on social media sites, is now a very real malady. Recent studies have shown that comparisons are the main cause of Facebook depression; the study showed that down-comparison (comparing with inferiors) was just as likely to cause depression as up-comparison (comparing with people better than oneself).
…Other risks of extensive social networking among youth are loss of privacy, sharing too much information, and disconnect from reality.
My daughter, like so many others I’ve now heard about, emerged from months of self-imposed social isolation and YouTube/Reddit binges, to announce, out of the blue, that she was transgender. And simply for questioning this, for refusing to hop aboard the train, I’ve been labeled a “child abuser” of my “son”? Until the last few years, parents who recognized that teens go through phases weren’t considered abusive. They were considered well informed.
Not so long ago, parents and helping professionals neither interfered with nor bolstered a particular identity that a kid was trying on. Everyone understood this was an important part of growing up: to allow our young to experiment, to see what worked and what didn’t. It’s called the development of a self. It takes years. It’s not even complete at 21. The self doesn’t emerge, fully formed and immutable at birth. It develops in response to experience, to love, and to adversity.
Given my own daughter’s desistence from the idea that she is or was ever “transgender,” I feel even more strongly that parents are right to resist the push by every sector of society to identify “gender dysphoric” young people as “trans.”
So you bet I’m going to keep doing what I can to support parents who want to challenge and at least delay an adolescent’s decision to permanently alter body and mind with hormones and surgeries. You bet I’m going to try to save my own kid from what amounts to a cult that won’t let you leave if you change your mind, without serious social consequences. You bet I’m going to continue to protect my daughter and others like her from a lifetime of difficulty, from the rapacious medical industry that is profiting from the regressive resurgence and marketing of gender stereotypes.
You can also bet that I’m going to continue shedding light on the frankly insane practice of labeling very young children as transgender, grooming and conditioning them as preschoolers to believe their own bodies are somehow wrong and alien, that they must undergo teasing and torment from other children, that they must wear prosthetics to amplify or hide their own genitalia to be accepted as they are. Or just as bad: That the entire world must be browbeaten into redefining biological reality such that “some girls have penises” and “some boys have vaginas.”
And this work is not just about protecting kids. It’s also about supporting family members and friends who are so deeply affected by the transgender narrative. The trans activists, the media, the doctors and psychiatrists–none of them talk about the terrible damage done to the family system, to the fabric of close relationships, when a child “transitions.” All the activists have to say is that the skeptical parents and loved ones are “transphobes.” No one talks about the fact that the majority of these dysphoric kids would grow up to be gay or lesbian adults if not interfered with; adults with healthy, intact bodies, not poisoned by drugs and carved up by surgeons’ knives.
So we have to keep talking about it. We have to keep the lights on in our corner of the Internet, even if only to document this strange medical and cultural fad for future historians.
Thanks to everyone who is traveling this road with me. While I know we often feel swamped and hopeless, we have each other for strength and courage. And for now, that will have to be enough.
Dear Balancing game, thank you for your post. You express my feelings about name choice exactly. We could conceive for years and when we finally had our only child we named her Hope. We sang her name and whispered it, made storyou books about Hope. The hardest parts of this are fear for our child (who has no real world friends having rejected them as transphobic) and grief because that little girl has gone. We’re not supposed to show old photos , she is furious when we reminisce with other family about past holidays etc. We’re not allowed to grieve but I feel that I’ve list the little girl I carried and nursed and named and sang to every day. I’m sorry not to be more positive for you, I just wanted to say me too. x
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You both have every right to grieve over the name And the memories attached to them. When my daughter first started going down the path that totally hurt me. I just looked at her one day snd said , ” I birthed a girl named XXXX, I don’t know this person that you claim to be.” I was being completely honest with her when I said that I had no connection to XXXX (the new name). I made to apologies. I’m not superhuman and I let her know I couldn’t connect with any of it. Thankfully, she turned it around (through a lot of prayer) but I’m still on this blog and my heart continues to break every single time I read about the agony of another family going through this awful, evil situation. I continue to pray for everyone hurting b cause of this completely unacceptable trend. It is just like murder. Killing off the baby you had and replacing that child with a complete different gendered person and you are supposed to be unaffected? No Way is that natural. I told my daughter while I was battling through it that she was being undeniably cruel to a mother that only ever loved and cared for her with every fiber in my body. Call me selfish, but I thought what she was considering was completely selfish and I did not tip toe around it. I have feelings too and they counted just as much. This is a TRAGEDY for families going through this.
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Good for you that you stood your ground.
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Ann,
Yes, good for you for standing your ground!
I feel all those things too and have been told, “it’s not about” me at all. Told I am totally insensitive, etc.
I do not know my daughter anymore. In her “journey” down this evil road, I became aware not just of her physical changes, but her behavioral ones. I discovered I’d been lied to for a long time. Big lies and no remorse. She is a tense little dictator ready to squash anyone and anything that may challenge her choices and views.
As the mother, I feel we are a huge target for the vitriolic anger that accompanies this trend. We are made to feel that remaining steadfast and true in our motherly love can only be proven by supporting disfiguration and destruction of our healthy children.
You here all know this painful plight. I am just saying I think as mothers it is maybe especially difficult to be asked to agree with such an evil lie.
To me, Ann is brave and true. And sane. AND loving.
It is a good mother’s nature to keep her children safe. A mother can read all the views out there, hear all the arguments. At the end, her most basic instinct to protect her child from harm will always win out.
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So my 18 year old talented, off the IQ charts, and beautiful baby boy was physically tortured, abused, and emotionally assaulted by his father till he was 15 when my husband finally left (he abused the rest of us, just not nearly as much physically). He HATED his son. My son has repeatedly asked for an apology for the abuse–this is all he wants from him, but his father denies that he did anything wrong (Not to mention, the night he walked out, in was a hailstorm of blood and glass). Meanwhile because this is child he can easily manipulate, he does so quite well. He’s isolated, dropped out of high school (he graduated now) and has NO motivation in life (and this is the kid that is able to teach physics without taking classes), wanting to sleep it away, He’s a screen addict. I made the mistake of getting him a cell phone at 15–didn’t for the other kid till she went to college at 17. He’s perpetually on a screen with porn (yes, I know some is natural), gaming, and apparently constantly texting to ‘friends’. He’s deeply religious (of his own choosing–no thing fanatical, just is like us)
Last night, after working all day (he works on grant funding for research) we come home and he says “I don’t know how to say this….I’m trans”. WHATTTTT?
Does he want to be a girl because his father was better to his sister? Is this an ‘idea’ in his head from the internet? He apparently has a ‘friend’ that ran away (where’d he get her? he NEVER goes out, won’t get a driver’s license, won’t really do much, and yes, I’ve gotten therapy, meds–the whole nine yards and then some b/c I am a well-connected prominent clinician myself). WHAT in the world? He never dressed like a girl. He never said anything before now. He never acted different. The only thing different about him is that he’s never had friends his own age. He’s always fit in with kids much older than him…but then, his IQ is 160 and he’s becoming a well recognized musician across the state, and US). And he tells me, given that he’s never had a girlfriend either, that he’s just wanting to be a girl and be asexual! WHAT IN THE WORLD? I gave both kids a gap year away, to several countries, and he comes back with this?? (they went to study art, culture, etc.) Having spent a fair amount of time on the internet when he was away (I didn’t go with them as I have to work). My response, as I’m not an alarmist, at least not externally, was that since frontal lobes don’t finish forming till the age of 26, that no decisions that could affect his forming brain would be made then. And that since coincidentally he would finish med school then (he has always wanted to be a surgeon), that he would be enabled with much more true factual information, and would be best suited to make these decisions at this point. I didn’t say ‘no’ in any way–that just drives people away, but then, I hope this doesn’t give the impression that I support this idiocy. I just got on cardiac meds this week, after battling with unrelenting chest pain (I was born a heart patient) and this is NOT helping…and no, while it’s not about me, it is at least here, right?)
I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to be able to actually speak with some parents who have this, for lack of a better word, ridiculousness going on.
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My heart goes out to you. Severe trauma is part of this. Go to Thirdwaytrans. He’s a psychologist and desisted. Might be able to help you.
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This reply is to DBTShrink (even though it may not nest correctly). Welcome to this board, as we say – good to see you, not that you have to be. I can’t imagine being in your professional position, where the acceptance of trans dogma appears nearly universal, and having to cope with your son and his issues.
I am sure you’re in a much better position than I am to evaluate the clinical research and studies in the area. I would strongly advise you to review the “40% suicide rate” canard that is frequently weaponized to terrorize parents in our situation.
Many of us with adult or nearly-adult children have come to the conclusion that, while we are certainly supportive of and loving towards out children, this does not mean affirming them in their ideas regarding gender and the necessity that they make a physical change to reflect these beliefs. Many parents (myself included) feel that we are well within our rights to tell our adult children that if, as and when they wish to undergo transgender “body mods,” they need to be able to organize these and personally pay for them without parental supervision or input. You may want to figure out whether your insurance plan pays for transition related procedures (since I assume your son can still access those benefits).
There is an awful to read and learn about in this area. The transgender lobby would prefer that we all shut our eyes and ear tightly and refuse even to question, much less explore and research on our own. It’s a lonely place to be, for sure.
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Also for dbtshrink. Transgender is illogical at the best of times but with asexual trans it just levelled up. If you are not using your genitals why bother changing them to another set of genitals that will go equally unused? It sounds like the start of a Monty Python sketch.
This is so common with very high IQ that there was a joke along the lines that the gifted centre should be across the street from the LGBT centre so it would be a short walk. And with someone in the ‘closer to 200’ club, I’m guessing this is just the tip of the iceberg of weird. Are either of you involved in the gifted community? Come over to Crushing Tall Poppies, we may be of help with the gifted end of this (I haven’t seen trans discussed on this website but I think it’s the best starting point). It at least offers an explanation for the feeling of never belonging without defying reality.
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I just started looking at this site and I was so thankful to read about so many others who feel the same way I do and I can empathize with you all. The article about sticking with your gut really hit home and yes it certainly is as though you are grieving because you have lost the child you raised as one sex and now have what feels like a complete stranger who is of another sex.
My daughter was a typical girl growing up, no sign of “always being a boy”. She wore dresses and pretty shoes with her long hair in pony tails, pigtails, etc. It was a special mom and daughter thing to paint our finger and toe nails. She took dance and gymnastics. Yes she did some “boyish” things but she had an older brother so that is very natural, I mean he played with her toys etc just as much as she played with his…that is normal. As she got to the teenage years, she wore makeup, low cut tops, short shorts, tight jeans and was (what I thought) a typical teenage girl not unlike myself at her age.
When my daughter was 16 she came out and at the time said she was interested in both boys and girls. I was okay with that and tried to be very supportive as I believe you fall in love with a person not their color, race, religion etc and at 16 face it, the hormones are going wild so in my mind I thought she would figure it out over time, convinced it was just a phase.
At 17 she started cutting and became suicidal. She started getting piercings and tattoos (I’m old fashioned I guess but those are things I personally am not a fan of). This was a very difficult and scary time for all of us. At some point during her 17th year she said she was transitioning to become a man. I was shocked but tried several times to talk with her about it, trying to understand, trying to be supportive. Even her girlfriend at the time didn’t understand. It saddened me because it truly does feel like you’ve lost a child. She demanded I use the proper pronouns, wanted to destroy anything to do with her past life (threw away all her clothes, makeup, wanted to destroy all pictures etc). She refused to go for any counselling but did start going to the Pride Center and as mentioned in the article, it definitely swayed her to transition.
A few months before her 18th birthday she wanted to change her name and needed both parents to sign the documents. After some thought I agreed. This is where things went totally downhill. Next she wanted me to sign documents to have her birth certificate marker changed to make…this is something I thought was morally wrong and to me that is falsifying records (how can this even be possible? I can see having an amendment to the birth certificate but to change it?) my ex husband signed but I refused. She also wanted me to provide consent to start taking hormones and I refused. This was one week before her 18th birthday (in Canada where I was living at the time, 18 is the legal age and they are officially an adult) so the morning of her 18th birthday she started hormones and had her birth certificate changed.
I feel 18 is way too young to make life changing decisions and I hoped and prayed it would take a few years before she did anything that would be irreversible…wrong! A few months ago she had her breasts removed and I’m told she is booked to have a hysterectomy in the fall…she will be 19 this summer. I don’t understand how a doctor can allow this to happen at such a young age. My gynaecologist gave me a hard time at 46 about getting a hysterectomy! I was furious and in disbelief. Obviously that whole sector have their own doctors they deal with that won’t even question it.
My daughter would not speak to me for months after I refused to sign for the change to the birth certificate. We had a few visits around Christmas before I moved to the US and found out the “he” is interested in men and wants to become a drag queen and dress up like a woman! Forgive me but I do not understand!! And when I asked her, “if you like men and want to dress up like a man then why don’t you just stay a woman?” She no longer talks to me. It breaks my heart. I truly believe she needs some counselling and not from the counsellors at the Pride Center but “he” is an adult so I have no say in it. I miss my little girl.
As it is noted in several articles, it is not the parents fault and I do believe the media (in various forms) is doing a lot of damage as young teens / adults are very impressionable and I’m ashamed of the medical field for allowing life changing procedures to be done without question or counselling.
I apologize for this lengthy reply but I know you will understand that it’s good to get things off your chest with people who can relate.
Thanks for listening lol
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oh Grieving Mom, I weep with you. Such heartbreak and sorrow, I’m so sorry for your pain. You are absolutely right…it is criminal that the medical community continues to “treat” gender dysphoria so quickly with permanently body-morphing chemicals and surgeries. It makes no sense to move so quickly with young people who are still growing up and sorting through their identity. It makes no sense. Thank you for sharing your story and for sharing your grief. Know that you are not alone.
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This has been refreshing to read. My daughter took gender studies classes in college and now suddenly says that she is pan-sexual, gender fluid. She acts cold and non-communicative to us, her parents and we have always had a close, open relationship with her all her life before. It is like she has been taken by a cult. She has always been a very feminine girl. We are heartbroken with this sudden change in her relationship with us.
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When my daughter got involved in this “cult” the very first thing I noticed was how cold she became to me. She was always warm, funny and very loving. I could not believe that was MY girl. Again, thanks to God I was able to get her back. Is the most disturbing thing I have ever encountered. Prayers to all.
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Same exact change happened to my 20 year-old son. I have the same feeling as you do, that there’s a cult that is pushing him down a path, supported by lots of ignorant kids, but also “professionals” and others with hidden agendas.
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We are going through the same thing. Our daughter is now 21 and no longer lives with us all of this looks familiar I missed as if reading from a call to Playbook give in to them when they arrive at College. after our daughter came home from freshman year shortly thereafter she picked a fight with me and I didn’t really understand what was going on. It was a really stupid fight because it was just about getting rats as pets for the next year and College. We went ahead and got them because she assured us that she had already cleared the way for them to be allowed. A month later a transgender twenty-six-year-old person picked her up while I was not at home. And shortly after that she had taken hormones and her voice was deeper at least if she made it appear that way. She insisted that this person is her friend and is just helping her stay afloat. Make no mistake this is a called and they take care of each other and these people are talking there are children, making them believe that we know nothing we don’t understand them how could we possibly understand them? The answer seems to be knocked the family out of their lives. I can tell you my youngest has been Shattered by this and we occasionally see our daughter who is now very manly dresses like a boy and still hangs out with his person and they are very close. Where do I start? We just try to keep in touch with her ask her a lot of questions and tell her that we love her and miss her.
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Dear tboxwood and every other parent going through this “nightmare” with their children. I understand how y’all feel … my 22 year old daughter has been taking Testosterone shots for almost 2 years, is growing facial hair, has grown extremely “cold” to her family, and is planning on having top surgery….. There is NO pain like the pain caused by a turn of events such as this in the life of your child….
Before I found this blog, I began one of my own because I wanted to try and help other parents that are dealing with this same experience. I just wanted to invite any of you to read my blog, too. Please feel free to pass this link on to anyone who you think might benefit from it as well …
https://mythoughtsforme.wordpress.com/2017/01/02/10-things-parents-of-transgender-people-need-to-know/
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Thank you for this blog article. I got a letter from my 13 year old daughter yesterday filled with information for me telling me she has “never been attracted to any guys in her entire life” and that she is technically polyromantic. She’s 13! Of course she hasn’t been attracted to guys! And, she’s not “polyromantic” – she isn’t ANY romantic – did I mention she’s 13! Everything you said in this blog about the media messages and saturation and brainwashing were what I was feeling all day. You put all of it into words. I’m just getting started on this roller coaster ride and I thank you for giving me some strength to hang on.
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My daughter is also 13. She is saying similar things to me. I am at a totall loss at whatbto do.
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oh thank goodness I found this post, your words perfectly express what has been disturbing me! Thank you for sharing your story, you have given me the strength to stand up and do what I believe is truly right for my child.
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I personally feel like your daughter just gave up trying to make you understand. I would not be surprised if after she leaves and is stable with people who would accept her she transitions. I know I would never transition with my parents knowing as they are unaccepting.
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Yet another Internet parenting expert who just can’t believe that some young people actually change their minds and find peace in their bodies. It’s a good thing my daughter, and others like her, have figured out that a lifetime spent injecting drugs and haunting surgeons’ office isn’t the path she chooses.
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This is for all the people who replied to dbtshrink: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. My gratitude for direction has no words. I looked at thirdwaytrans, and I like what I see–realism. I am open to all suggestions, to everything anyone has to offer, including therapists that are actually good, and don’t just sit around validating the invalid, don’t just “uh-hmmm, that must be awful” in response to every sentence uttered. If you think of anything in the future, PLEASE let me know. After what this family has survived, and the amazing positive changes that were happening for all 3 of us now, I feel so blindsided. Again, I thank you for your time, and advice.
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Wow, my child is gifted and thinks she’s trans. I will check it out. Thanks
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(formerly dbtshrink–who is GRATEFUL for all the support and advice)
I would like to say, that not all people who are licensed in the clinical psych field are actually ‘therapists’. In fact, I resent being called one. I feel that people who come to us don’t know what to DO about the WHAT that is going on…and that they don’t need someone to just listen and validate blindly. We lead people down a grueling path of questioning in every session–a solid 60 minutes, for one year, not to exceed 18 months (at that point, we’ve exhausted what we know of what we have in us to teach). The profession is largely a sham. Behaviorists who have the guts to question, actually TELL patients what they are missing, tell the TRUTH–and no, I am not advocating my personal values or ‘my truth’…are what is necessary. I have had so many patients whom I’ve guided to a decision that I personally wouldn’t have made for my own personal self, but that is truly right for them. A LOT of the problems that folks without severe organic disorders have are exacerbated by ‘therapists’. It’s unethical at best to keep patients in therapy for a paycheck. A reputation and one’s practice MUST be developed on one’s ability to effectively treat, and RESOLVE issues in a timely manner. This is why I struggle to find clinicians worth anything in the state. For the 35+ people we’ve helped resolve their identity issues and find peace for themselves without scarring themselves further–emotionally or physically, there’s the one that we helped transition because it was a real calling for her/him, and there was no genuine trauma, it was truly, truly right for them, it wasn’t some crusade, and his family wasn’t in shambles either. My point–I am not prejudiced against anything but fads for their own sake. For all of you who found clinicians who were worthy of their titles, I am thrilled for you and the child they helped–and I WANT to know them. I know that they are out there; they are just hard to find…we don’t need a paid ‘best friend’. We need answers on what to do, how to do it, when to do it….this is in large part, my panic. I don’t want to end up with someone who is ‘accepting’ of everything, and tries to lead me or leads him down a most torturous path forever. I want someone who will not exacerbate his traumas, and will put an end to them, before this runaway train crashes. If it sounds like I am angry…rest assured, I am–and this started 20 years ago when I saw what ‘therapists’ were doing to patients and I vowed to never be one of them. If anyone knows of a good clinician, I’ll take what referrals I can get.
I have never ever turned to the internet for answers or guidance. I consider myself unbelievably lucky to have found this resource and some logical people. Darkest Yorkshire–thanks for the resources; and I LOVE your sense of humor/outlook/vibe. Marie, THANK YOU for thirdwaytrans.
Much gratitude in advance.
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Thanks, glad I could help. While I agree five sessions of psychoanalysis a week for years is excessive, I suspect funding cuts and enthusiasm for brief therapies are leading to rush jobs and contributing to the whole trans mess. I also thought for years that motivational interviewing was practically a miracle, but what would happen if it was used on somebody who thinks they are trans?
What school of psychotherapy are you from (or if you don’t like that word what would you call it)? You had DBT in your name but from what you said I would guess rational emotive behaviour therapy as well. (Note to everyone else – if I’ve guessed wrong it’s worse than misgendering and it will be swords at dawn.) 😉
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Thanks everyone! After three glasses of wine I have discovered I am a non binary non conforming parent. And I am thinking if changing my name to Mario. Just adding some comic relief to this crappie trial called life.
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I identify as Tyrannus the Mighty, Emperor of the World.
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Well, one thing’s for sure, we are all awesome. We love our children and I do have hope we will get through this! Thanks Darkest!
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Lol😂😂😂
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I don’t want to make a huge rant of this or anything, but you do understand that as a teen it’s not easy to find yourself. one second you might be this then that but that’s Fine, that person is valid regardless. gender is on a spectrum, it is not just male or female. so if our daughter or son suddenly changed it doesn’t mean they were confused and that it was just a phase. their are more gender identities than just trans- I myself am gender fluid and for now I might feel like a guy and then for the rest of my life might feel like I’m a girl or vice versa or I will constantly change over the gender spectrum for the rest of my life. regardless I just want you to understand that and realize gender isn’t this whole thought out thing, it’s different for everyone. and I understand that something like paying for a gender therapist or the therapists them self being a nuisance or maybe just fear that your child would have made the ‘mistake’ of transitioning is a bit harrowing just please Realize that just because this happened to your child doesn’t mean you have reason to go against others who do feel they aren’t cis, cause as I said there is no ‘one way’ for gender. the fact that your child suddenly ‘changed their mind’ doesn’t mean that all this gender stuff is bullshit. and though I disagree with a lot of things you said I do appreciate you caring for your child in that you supported them.
also I didn’t Rea this whole articlee 1.because I very much dislike it and 2.i’m a bum
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You are a WILLING victim of a terrible misleading ideology. There are two genders male and female. All these other manifestations are a fad to try and normalize transexualism, which is a real and extremely rare mentality ill condition. In 2013 this was lifted up to trangender and the condition is so disturbing to many youth that this could possibly describe them that they are told the only relief is surgery. Not true. This is a big money maker now and if I were you I would run as fast as you can. Do you want this sort of attention the rest of your life? Folks my age view this for what it is. Mental illness. Grow up and enjoy your life. You only live once.
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I couldn’t agree more with you Sharon Beck!! It’s horrible to see this problem keep happening more and more with our youth. Personally affected by this with my only daughter who is 22 years old and now growing a beard 😥 and talking about top surgery with her ‘doctor’ (I call a quack).
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I’m glad society is quickly changing…I’m glad you all love your children and are trying. But…why must one instance change all instances? Some people are unsure, but some people feel this way all their lives.
And about injecting chemicals or making money – guess what? Normal pharmaceuticals you take come from – gasp, a MONEY MAKING industry! Have diabetes? Pharma. Money. Have cardiac problems? Pharma. MONEY. Cancer kills lots of people and treatment is chemotherapy but….gasp! That’s changing your body and injecting chemicals. MONEYYYY.
That’s how logic works, everybody. We’re all slowly dying. We only live once. Don’t punish others simply because YOU can’t process it. I know it’s hard…but so is being transgender and living knowing you’re hated.
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Life is full of selfishness, no one side is purposefully punishing the other but it will appear that way when it goes against what you want. Tolorance is not acceptance, acceptance does not help those in need. If you tolorant ones choices while interjecting your view reasonably, you can persuade indaviduals to look deeper and remove emotion from logic helping them to heal them self. That is what most people here seem to be doing. Tolorant ingredients an extreme situation, while others might just remove the situation from there life all together.
I personally have yet to meet in person someone who identifys as a transgender person. I will never accept them but I will gladly tolorat and work beside them, they will have to tolorat that I view gender through biology and see them only as the gender of there birth.
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Looks auto correct didn’t like me this time sorry for grammatical errors I am sure you can grasp what I said.
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I could never hate my child. The thing is that my child wants to change his body all because society is telling him he us transgender. His answer to me is that he is trans because his nails grow longer had faster, because he doesn’t like sports that’s all. That is not a good enough reason. He was born at 24 weeks gestation. Weighed one pound seven ounces. His brain is still developing and has been delayed in development due to his prematurity. He just turned 15 and is just now starting to be social. My son cannot explain why he is transgender, but you and others like you believe that whatever my child wants he should get. I do not agree with your logic. I will not support his decision, however, when he is older and can afford to pay for treatments himself then I will support whatever he wants as an adult.
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Hello there Fearful, thanks so much for your explanation of the role that finances play in health care. Yes, it certainly is logical that drugs and therapies cost money. It really does make sense that to have access to these things, a patient must pay for them somehow. Most adults are already pretty well aware of the fact that bills must be paid, one way or the other, regardless of what it is that we buy.
I guess I’m trying to grasp hold of the larger point, though. Is it your contention that people who question the wisdom of pediatric medical transition do so only because they believe it to be the result of an industry-wide plot, or because it is expensive? Could it be that there are other reasons to object to turning children and young people into life-long medical patients, and to channeling them into medical practices that haven’t been studied? Is it possible that a young person cannot give truly informed consent to be sterilized, or to agree to unknown effects of the off-label use of drugs? And to the larger point, is it remotely possible that wanting to help a young person overcome the impact of gender dysphoria, short of surgery and drugs, is an act of love, not “hatred”?
As to your closing point, yes, so far as we know, we only live once, at least in the forms we currently inhabit. It doesn’t strike me as unreasonable for us to argue that this “one life” should be as natural and healthy as possible, and that our children and loved ones should avoid engaging in risky and harmful behavior.
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Fearful … we’re about kid/teen/young adult transition here. That’s it. No one here (well, virtually no one) says “no one should ever transition.” No one here “hates” trans people. (And no one here says trans people “don’t exist.” That’s another one we hear all the time.)
We are talking about our kids, who mostly have pre-existing mental health conditions. We’re not talking about you or your access to transition services, presuming you’re an adult. We’re not talking about punishing you. This false equivalence between “kids shouldn’t be transitioned” and “you want to punish us” is made all the time by the transactivists who leave drive-by comments here.
If you would actually spend time on this site reading the discussions you’d know that it’s a false equivalence. That’s how logic works. As you say.
If you’re a grownup, go live your life. But don’t attempt to administer the “you can’t process it” slap. We’ve processed it fine. Looked at the runaway train of kid transition, looked at the bucks behind the media push, looked at the psych industry’s not-so-hot track record with other such diagnoses (child bipolar, anyone?), looked at the lack of evidence that the treatment’s really a long-term solution for psych distress, looked at the lack of research on long-term safety. Looked at typical patterns of child development, executive function, magical thinking. impressionability, peer influence, mutability, ad infinitum.
You go do your thing, Fearful. You’ve got all the power behind you right now, you know? Our little puny voices here pose zero threat to your access to the services you may want. But don’t expect to impress us with your display of “logic.”
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I agree that we’re all medicated to the hilt. Big pharma wants a pill for everything that ails us, then we need more pills for the side effects of the others. The big difference I see here is that the conditions you listed above are physical: diabetes, cardiac problems, cancer. None of these can be alleviated through talk therapy or simply growing up. Heart disease and diabetes can be improved through diet and exercise in some cases. I assume that doctors don’t jump directly to the most invasive, extreme physical treatments right away.
What other psychological condition has a lifetime of medication and major surgeries as the first line of treatment?
Yes, we’re all slowly dying. But does that mean we should do things that are self destructive? Should I smoke now because I might as well die of lung cancer? Should I drink too much because I might as well die of liver disease? Should I use heroin because I might as well die of an overdose?
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Kind of silly to compare taking prescription drugs to fight diseases that can and do kill people, versus taking prescription drugs into your perfectly healthy body, because your mind is entertaining a fantasy. Can’t be someone or something that you are not.
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I guess I look at it as – sure, a person may never be the opposite gender. But if you’re never going to be a millionaire, why work, right? Just because a person may not be 100% that gender doesn’t mean they can’t try to make themselves feel comfortable.
Confusedmom, I completely understand in your case why you are being apprehensive, and I actually applaud that. But there are some children / teens that can give excellent reasoning for why they feel a certain way and have even exhibited it for years. In that case, I think that some chance be given. But in your case, thank you for being careful. And I wish you all the best of luck! ❤
Worriedmom – I did not mean to imply that. It just was brought up a lot that people are only trying to make money off people and not make people feel better (en contraire, doctors work to help people normally). I'm deeply sorry I came off that way.
Puzzled – Hate was an unecessary word for me to use there, and I do apologise. As for the topic of children – yes, I do understand. (What I put there may seem like a general thing, but it was moreso comparison.) I did not mean to challenge logic, either, (I was having a really terrible day) so I do apologise. I have read this website, in fact, I frequent it and I understand where you all come from. And I respect it. I'm just giving the position that if a child truly communicates for a long while that they feel a certain way, it is then time to stop challenging it so much. Small steps. I apologise for anything that may have made you feel indifferent.
TheMom – You have a very valid point. However, I rather dislike the use of the words "growing up." I really don't believe that children are entertaining a fantasy, as lovetruthcourage said, and I certainly hope not. It gets difficult to separate the borderline of genuine and abstract feelings. Some are legitimate, and some are not. And unless you feel it, you just can't know. And that is the woe of human strife.
I do truly applaud you all for being careful, and I am not here to be the far left trans activist. While I have had my trials and would love nothing but to have this issue be settled, I respect you all. Thank you for your inputs, it was highly resourceful in my understanding of you. We may not all agree – but then again, what fun would that be? No politics! (I love politics so much.)
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Fearful, thank you for your clarifying remarks.
For me, the comparison between working toward being a millionaire, and working to be the opposite sex doesn’t hold up. This is because one can become closer to millionaire status, but they can not actually change sex, because sex is binary. Either one is a man or a woman. (Yes, even intersex people have a sex! They are not mythic half-and-halfs, but usually quite clearly one sex or the other, despite anomalies.) It is like being pregnant. Either a woman is pregnant or she is not. There is no “working toward” being more like pregnant. It is binary. One can work toward appearing to be more like the opposite sex, and perhaps that is what you meant. That is fine. People should be free to be any kind of men or women they want to be (assuming they are within the law.) So, we should expand our expectations for what people of either sex can do, not claim that doing something traditionally associated with the opposite sex makes people physically the opposite sex. This is a subtle but crucial distinction.
As far as feelings go, they are all legitimate, but feelings do not determine reality. Feelings showcase our relationship with reality at a point in time. Our feelings can and do change.
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Hello,
So I am 50 something and easy actually a teenager myself. I remember wearing elephant pants which I never thought I would ever stop wearing. But I did. Then after I graduated high school, the boy I was in love with didn’t matter as much. There were a lot of fish in the sea, and I committed to getting a degree. Then another young man came along and I fell in love with him too. It was convenient for me to have a boy friend because honestly, I was afraid of going on dates alone. It really scared me. I had no confidence in myself besides being raised in a loving family. Then I got engaged mostly because I thought I loved him, but in reality, I was in love with the idea of being married. Most other seniors were engaged too. Then this guy just plain lied about a lot if stuff and had a really one sided idea of love. So, to everyone’s shock, we broke up. Here I was all of 24 and I had no prospects buy I was free to be me. I learned so much after 5 years in human resources. The guys I liked had no interest in me. Was I a lesbian? I had so many women ask me out, I just couldn’t figure out why. But, I knew I was not even ready for marriage anyway, so I waited. And I met my husband when I was 26. By then, I had a top ten list of what type of person I wanted to spend my life with. I after many trials that being patient was important but at the time, I thought I was in hell. I was so confused but with time, it all worked out. I was 26! I am still growing. So my point is, teenagers are fickle as are older adolescents (21). Parents like me understand the changes you undergo from puberty to 25. It’s a long process and an important one to stick out and be strong during these confusing days. I also want to mention that the movies and media I grew up with did not have all the normalizing of the behaviors of today. The oversexing of women on TV, advertising and online is really disgusting and as a mother trying to raise girls, I am really sick of it. This contagion is an attack on women by men (read Paper Genders) brought on by people who want to profit from something newly propped up born of transexualism. And unfortunately, none of this is opposed by the FDA – especially the use of testosterone on women. I have a problem with that and so should this country. These people need to see the truth and get help during these trying teenage years so their brain has time to develop and experience everything the world has to offer. Women are getting hurt in the process, and it’s not just a few broken bones, it’s permanent long term consequences. So, in the meantime, how about we encourage martial arts? Let these women find out what their bodies can do with strength. Maybe after that, they will stand up for their health and say no thanks, my soul mate is waiting for me. Wait. Please if you are contemplating this, wait and try doing something productive in society. Serve others and stop thinking about yourself. Being a victim is not productive.
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6You know, the martial arts REALLY worked for me!!!I was ALWAYS tomboyish and under a therapists care till we moved from NYC to Colorado. But thank goodness I didnt have to see a psyche anymore and hot into skiing, ice hockey and especially the martial arts, a lifelong niche for me instead! Got in touch with my body, my strength, my power and at 21 got my BlackBelt AND came out as a Butch Lesbian!!!
Ive taught many womyn self defense and to connect with the strength and sheer ppwer in their FEMALE bodies and connect with their Amazonian Power!!!
Excellent suggestion! Sure worked for me
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Fearful, I thought your “millionaire” comment was really interesting, but maybe not in the way that you think.
It seems to me that a lot of trans folks do view “becoming” the other sex as a “project.” “Something to work on” and all that. It’s like there is a transgender ladder, and a person is making progress as long as he or she is consistently climbing the steps, moving forward towards the big day. There are tangible, achievable, incremental steps and a lot of company and encouragement while you are taking them. “What am I going to do with my life?” is a big hard question, and I can see that “become the opposite sex” seems to be the answer for many.
Everybody has to have a purpose, I get that. I’m not particularly criticizing your purpose, except that it would seem to me, at the end of the day, you’ll still be stuck in there with yourself. Your external world will change, once people see and treat you as the other sex (if they do, which is a whole other story), and perhaps some of your internal world will change, too, as hormones do their work on your brain. I would bet, though, that the core of your personality, the things that make “you – you” will still be there. And, unless every single one of your problems and issues stemmed from the fact that you were in the “wrong” body, most of them will come along for the ride, too. So once you are “on the other side” of transitioning, it will become apparent that a lot of the things you may have wanted to change, are still there (and the corollary being, you could have changed them without transitioning).
In a way I would compare transition to people who lose massive amounts of weight. In almost every story of such a person, he or she will say, “I thought losing weight would solve all my problems, and I was pretty disappointed when it didn’t.” And losing weight is something that, objectively speaking, leads to better health, as opposed to transition which is problematic at best for health.
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It’s not really a project – it’s moreso a dream that one wishes to chase. And it’s possible. I understand defending your children at teenage years but no matter what you do if they feel strongly enoguh about this, they will do it one day.
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What is possible? Changing one’s sex? No, that is NOT possible.
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I think calling transition a dream versus calling it a project is primarily a question of semantics. No matter what you call it, when you get to the other side, you’ll still have all your old issues and problems.
And, actually, becoming the other sex is not achievable. If you have the predisposition to resemble the other sex, and lots of very expensive treatment, you’ll pass for some of the people some of the time. That is the best you can expect. Look at Caitlyn Jenner: if money could buy the perfect transformation, it would have – but it’s obvious that it didn’t.
It is also stunningly obvious to the parent of any “adult children” that in all matters of adult life they will, in fact, do as they please. This does not mean as parents we cease to have any meaningful input, nor that it is our duty at that point, or any other, to sit down and shut up – no matter what the trans lobby would prefer.
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Sorry, Fearful. There are always options in the health arena too. Just as with the trans lie, you have the right to choose what you want to do with all the negative aspects of it. As a matter of fact, many in the trans movement toward our kids do not TELL them what negative aspects are going to be incurred by them psychologically, and mentally and still, socially. It will never end. By the way, does anyone think that the best reason to stay binary is that God made us who we are and that is good enough for me, what about you? Yay, God! He knew what he was doing, and didn’t make a mistake. No road down life is easy.
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Thank you
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thank you! Me too!
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Feisty, you just made my day! Thank you. And thank God for our awesome women’s bodies! I had a really bad night last night and have been in a very dark place worrying about my daughter’s body for a year and a half. Peace to you!
High kicks!
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My niece has gone from a very girly girl wearing makeup and having long hair to chopping her hair off and wearing a binder overnight. She has ADD and gets no support from her parents. She never gave me the impression that she was in the wrong body. She is obsessed with social media. She is very tall and has a body that is much more mature. I feel like part of this might not be wanting to deal with this attention getting body. I also dont think she understands sexual identity vs sexual orientation. It happened so fast and I feel there is an underlying issue that has nothing to do with gender identity. Her sister went through a similar phase. I dont think a teenager wearing a binder is a good idea. They pose various safety issues and I feel like she is too young to decide to damage her body. These articles are very helpful. I am very supportive of LGBTQ community. I also know that it is disrespectful to assign yourself these roles if they are not authentic. The struggles are real and not everyone want to hug and support you. I really hope my niece can work through things and figure out her truth. I just want her to be happy. She seems the same as always and I will love her no matter what. Thanks for the article.
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My daughter also announced at nearly 15 that she is male. She “realised” this during a presentation at school on transgender kids, which was full of inaccuracies. She had never expressed being male before this. She liked to play with cars and soft toys and dolls as a young child, and loved lego when she was older. She preferred wearing jeans and t-shirts as she got older, but often wore dresses and skirts when she was younger. She interpreted this as being transgender with heavy indoctrination by the program at school. She has cut her hair short and is wearing male clothing, which I am fine with. However she is breast binding, which worries me a lot, but I felt I had to give somewhere, or our relationship would suffer. After a month I convinced her to wear it for 8 hours or less a day, and next I am going to try and convince her to wear the safer option, which is a sports compression top. I have spoken to her about the inaccuracies in the information she was given, but at her age, what teachers/internet says weighs more than what parents say. I can only hope that we manage to keep her away from hormones until she is old enough to really know herself, which to me is at about 25. I feel as if I am in a nightmare, but trying to put the emphasis on living life and not concentrating on this issue, as my daughter does tend to be obsessive and has high functioning autism/Aspergers. My husband feels the same way, but both of us also fear the high suicide attempt rate, the pressure of society to go along with transitioning, as well as a breakdown in our relationship with our daughter.
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I would sue the school for their damaging and inaccurate presentation that caused these damages to my child. Maybe just the threat of a lawsuit will get them to reconsider this extreme social engineering. Our healthy kids need to hear that they are just fine the way they are. They do NOT need drugs and surgeries to alter perfectly healthy bodies in order to conform to extreme sexist stereotypes. The stereotypes need to change, not kids’ bodies!
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I agree. Get rid of gender stereotypes.
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My daughter also has high functioning Aspergers/ASD and confusion regarding gender is common with that condition. I personally would not care at all and have always had many gay friends throughout my life as well as people who were obviously transgender in the traditional sense. That is all part of the human condition, two spirit people and all that. But this is different than medically mutilating her body, which is what she is proposing to do once she is 16 and can apparently legally do so under Medicare. I told her I loved her and would always support her, but that I felt this would be a huge mistake and could ruin he happiness. Her response is that I would just have to learn to fix my way of thinking. The worst thing is that my ex-wife (and even my current girlfriend) is openly supportive of all of this idiocy. And my thought is, where did we get to as a society where doing this surgery was even legal, much less subsidised? It is really terrible what the medical industry is doing to human bodies. Why can’t we use all this intelligence and creativity to instead solve our civilisation destroying ecological overshoot. Our priorities as a society have completely degenerated to this cult of the individual self which leads us to damage even our precious bodies. This is really tragic.
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I feel your pain. Apparently, according to my 15 year old’s psychologist, my daughter is not thinking of surgery, but I suspect she will when she is old enough, as she told me she was going to have ‘top’ surgery one day when she first ‘came out’ to us. My daughter also has high functioning Aspergers/ASD. This article is very helpful: http://news.nationalpost.com/full-comment/susan-bradley-how-trans-activists-are-unethically-influencing-autistic-children-to-change-genders
They get sold about miraculous surgery on the internet. They don’t think for a minute that they might change their minds, acquire an infection that may need antibiotics for the rest of their lives to keep at bay; and the result may not be that great. They are not told that changing sex (because that is what they are trying to do; gender is an abstract construct) is a never-ending and impossible task. They are not told that distress, depression and suicidal ideation continues post surgery and hormones.
They are not told about the side-effects of hormones on the internet. And when the specialists finally do tell them, they are so indoctrinated they will probably hear, but not listen.
They are not told how lonely the life of a transgender person can be.
All we can hope for are miracles. One particular one is that professionals will start to have second thoughts about it all, as they question the present epidemic. Especially surgery before the age of 25, when the brain is fully developed. But also with people who clearly have other problems.
One glimmer of hope, is that even on the internet, there is a call to abolish “genderism”. A call for people to be who they are, in mind, body and soul/spirit. Acceptance of self and others.
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I am so grateful to have stumbled upon this. My newly 13 year old told me half way through this school year that she is transgender and that she has dysphagia. This blind sided me. Never has she shown tendencies of a male. She is now trying to convince me that she needs to speak to a Gender Therapist. Everything in my being is telling me not to do it. I feel like she is wanting this to help validate her being transgender. The school counselor seems to fuel the fire already. A month ago She was back to being a girl, wearing make-up, dressing like a girl for a week. Them the counselor started pulling her out of class to see how she’s was doing. Very next week she is now a boy again..I am at a loss as what to do. Just last week she told me that she is also gender fluid. So she can be a boy but also, for example, get acrylic nails. I am convinced that her peers, media, internet have put these ideas in her head. I take comfort in knowing that other parents are dealing with the same thing. Biting my nails waiting to see if this is a faze.
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CALL THE PRINCIPAL RIGHT AWAY. SAY ANYTHING TO KEEP THAT SCHOOL STAFF AWAY FROM HER.SHE IS AN ACTIVIST. THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO MY DAUGHTER AND NOW SHE’S GONE. CITE MENTAL ABUSE AND REPORT IT AS CHILD ABUSE RIGHT AWAY.SHES A MINOR SO SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO SEE HER ALONE WITHOUT PARENTS CONSENT. IF THEY DON’T COMPLY, MOVE HER OUT OF THE SCHOOL AFTER REPORTING HER TO THE STATE AUTHORITY.
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If she thinks she is gender fluid she is unlikely to do anything drastic like hormones or surgery, so maybe not such a bad thing. Hopefully, she keeps thinking she is gender fluid until she is old enough to see through all this brainwashing.
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100% NO GENDER THERAPIST!!!!
I have come through to the other side!!! My daughter is back to being herself….
The gender therapists just made it worse!!!
I am due to write a big blog, but for now…please stay away from them!!!! They are not trained to see all the sides!!! I sat in on a few training sessions of student wanna-be gender therapists/ therapists trying to gain their certif in that area, and could not believe that they found my story of me not agreeing w my daughters self diagnosis to be normal. They were trying to convince me that she was simply “on the spectrum” and that it might be me not allowing her to explore.
Well FUCK THEM!!!!! She is 100% back!!!! She NEVER talks about that time period….one full year… Sheer hell for me and my husband…
W no education, we allowed for the social transition. As much as I regretted doing that, I am not going to say that it did not help her. I really don’t know how things would have ended up had she not. She might have just moved on to the next stupid thing the internet was telling her to do.
Stay strong. Support your daughter. Tell her you love her. Watch her.
NO Gender therapists!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Dear All,
I feel very lucky to have discovered this blog about other parents who are following their gut about their children not being transgender. My daughter is a wonderful, compassionate, bright, big thinking lovely young lady of 17 years old. During her life, I often described her as being one of the happiest people I have every met. We have always had such a close bond and share a great respect for one another. This was until a year ago. I have had to watch a slow, painful squashing of one of the brightest spirits I have ever known. My daughter went from a person who adored the outdoors and every living critter and plant in it, was physically athletic, sang easily, smiled frequently, was compassionate and caring to others and was openly affectionate to her family and friends. I am not sure exactly what happened, but a slow downward progression started and her hobbies and interests simply stopped. She became truly like a recluse who only wanted to play video games and stay in her room. No outdoors, no sports, no more attending church, no happy singing. No amount of encouragement or motivation or discussion made a difference. During this time, I discovered that she was wearing a binder. That is when she told me that she thought she was transgender. I have to say that I was so saddened for her and for any other young person who wears a binder because they are simply another form of self destruction. On a female, if they are worn long enough, they will completely deform their breasts, they can cause breathing difficulties, can break ribs which can puncture lungs, can cause terrible long-term posture problems which can lead to life long health issues. My daughter has a heart condition which was extremely exacerbated by wearing the binder. Her cardiologist and myself weren’t aware she was wearing one and he couldn’t figure out why her condition wasn’t improving at all, to the point where he considered putting a 16 year old on beta blockers. It was because her torso was so compressed that during any physical activity, she would become faint, dizzy and nauseous and her heart rate would sky rocket. It happened so frequently that her school had an “action plan” in case she had to be rushed to the ER. It is such a horribly sad thing to hate oneself to the point of self injury, and binders promote self loathing, not self esteem. With much encouragement and, I was able to have my daughter not hurt her body any longer by wearing a binder and believe it or not, her heart improved.
My daughter has a number of friends who support her decision to become a FTM. They are only children and don’t fully understand the life long destruction and negative implications this would have on her. After college, they will all have their own careers and lives and will most likely forget all about her and the carnage they supported. I have never known more pain than to watch a truly beautiful (inside and out) young lady slowly be convinced that she should no longer be a girl because she is strong and smart and an analytical thinker and likes the color blue. It is amazing to me that the trans activists and my daughter’s friends feel that only males can be strong and smart and analytical thinkers, and not girls. Talk about shoving someone into a tight stereotypical gender confining box! For example, they are telling young people, if a boy likes to play with dolls and likes the color pink, that means he must be a girl, he’s in the wrong body, he’s the wrong gender….instead of simply understanding that it is a boy who likes to play with dolls and likes the color pink. Do the trans activists not see how gender confining their paradigm is?
I am still on this road with my daughter and have shared with her my feelings, facts and fears. She knows that I love her unconditionally, but it is my job as her parent to keep her from harm. The route that trans activists promote is one of great harm to our young people. They are suggesting that we encourage stunting their puberty, and mutilating their body parts. Being transgender would affect their families, friends, career and housing opportunities, not to mention an increased risk of severe depression and a higher likelihood of suicide. No matter how many hormones a young person takes or how many surgeries they undergo, they cannot and will not ever change their chromosomal, genetic makeup, nor their brain matter. An XX can never be an XY, or vice versa, ever. So how horrible for that poor person who has been deceived and exploited by doctors, activists, etc. when after their initial euphoria, discover that they are still a male or a female and that their biology will not and cannot be changed.
Just know that I continue to love and hug and spend time with my wonderful daughter every day. I tell her that I am proud of her, and that I am privileged to be her mom. I also pray for her and for her friends. They are all too precious to lose. This has been the hardest road I have ever walked and continue to walk, but I will never give up on my child. Not even an option. And, I will always continue to be strong, resourceful and fearless for her and to continually tell her that those attributes don’t belong to one gender only.
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I myself have traumatic brain injury 6 years now due to drunk driver. My child who is 14 sent me a text on the way to school telling she was maybe transgender. I was floored and hurt, hurt mostly by the fact it was texted and not told to me face to face. Me and my child were always very close, could talk about anything until this. She has a so called friend who said was transgender and taking meds, my half sister said said her son now daughter is transgender and she also is doing meds and dresses like and claims to be a girl. My child is in hospital now due to cutting herself. As soon as I found out we went within a short hour, she said she felt it was best. I myself am not pro transgender, pro abortion, pro anything if asked but I am pro God…if that makes sense. She may get out soon, may not. Im learning all about the influences out there for teens. So overwhelming. When home cell phone and computer time will be limited, cell phone will be taken away cause friends have been a great influence also. She will have to learn you earn these with respect, honesty, positiveness, with how much time she is given. Im the parent, she is the child. I’ve always been very open to communication and all the sudden I have had coldness from her for like 8 months. This is a very bright child like A -B student, loves art. I would love input just to hear and learn 🙂
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Thank you so much for writing this! We are going through the same issue with my stepdaughter. A year ago she was wearing dresses and makeup, and now she’s decided she’s a boy. It’s frustrating and sad for us because she hates her old pictures, hates being called by her name and hates when we use she/her pronouns. However, we refuse to go along with it. With all the crap on the internet I’ve been beginning to feel like I’m the only one who feels this way – so thank you again for this. It gives me some hope.
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Seems like there are so many of us worrying ourselves sick over this latest cult. If these children were just exploring their identities by wearing whatever clothes and hairstyles they choose to wear, that would be fine. But how can you work out your sexual identity if you are taking puberty blockers, then cross-hormones? Puberty blockers stop your sex drive. Cross-hormones influence your sex drive. Then the next thing is surgery before your frontal lobes have fully developed (at 25). We are going to have a lot of angry and depressed 30 to 40 year olds in a few decades, that is for sure. A lot of lawsuits.
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Thank you for writing this. Our story is so similar that I could have written it.
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When I was 13 I decided I was a boy. For a year I spoke in a deeper voice, only wore my Dad’s clothese, and would only respond to the nae Norman.
A year or so later I decided I was a girl again. I’ve been a girl ever since.
I’m so glad that my parents allowed me to explore without telling me my fantasies were true. It’s so scary to even consider what may have happened.
Thank you for this blog. The children need your voice.
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Thank you for sharing this with us!
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Yes, it’s been very parent’s nightmare when you son or daughter telling you they want to transition. I wish the therapist not to jump to the conclusion suggest transition is the right thing to do ….
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I’m so glad I found this blog. My 12 year old daughter says she is a boy now and wants to be called Alex. I am not convinced this is true. She says we make her feel uncomfortable bc we won’t call her he or Alex. I’ve heard from the therapist and it’s come out of her mouth also, that suicide is a greater risk for kids who don’t have support. But I cannot support this. I feel in my gut she is going through something deeper. We lost her older brother almost 3 years ago and I don’t think she’s really dealt with the grief. Her band name is her brothers band name, her Instagram name is my sons YouTube name. There are so many things she’s doing that point to him. I don’t know, maybe I’m grasping for straws here. I hate the sick feeling in my stomach that’s there the moment I wake up. I just don’t know what to do here. I’m thankful to be able to read all these posts though. Thank you.
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I would look twice at that therapist. It is cruel to try to manipulate parents like that! Besides, not drinking the trans Kool-ade =/= not having support. Sometimes we support people by helping them deal with their deep underlying issues, not by getting distracted by surface topics. You appear to be doing this, and grief counseling, not gender therapy, is likely in order. You are a good parent to be concerned.
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I applaud your reaction to your little girl. Like you, I have a daughter who believes she’s supposed to be a boy. She, however, is 22 years old now and began taking testosterone injections when she was 20. Now, my little girl is growing facial hair, is called the name she went to the courthouse to get legally, and is talking about having top surgery 😢 My Elizabeth Ann has all but disappeared, and my Mama’s heart is broken. I honestly believe my daughter’s problem with her body has to do with the molestation and rape she endured as a small child of 9 and 10 years old. She has never faced what happened to her, and sometimes I wonder if she ever will.
Hopefully, you can get some good therapy for your little girl ❤
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Thank you for this; I cried reading it. My husband and i are going through this right now with our youngest and we are beside ourselves. This has been going on 2 years and started much in the same way, reading about the new “normal” and why transgender teens are the most brave and beautiful (in society’s eyes).
She started seeing a gender therapist on her own (free clinic and she was able to sign herself up) and it has made things worse. It was so sudden and out of the blue and are overwhelmed by it. This has caused a rapid decline in mental health and her depression is taking over her life. It almost feels like the therapists perpetuate this by telling her how all transgender teens suffer from depression because society is against them, blah,blah and tell her it’s okay to feel the way she does.
It’s a struggle you can’t talk to anyone about else you are labeled “phobic” and basically a horrible parent
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