A few months ago, my teenage daughter stopped trying to “pass” as male. She dropped the self-defined-as-male uniform (emphasis on SELF), the stereotyped swagger and the fake-deepened voice and —moved on. Her fervent desire to be seen and treated as a boy (as opposed to a gender-atypical girl) faded away, just as other formerly unshakable ideas and urges had in the past. And our relationship has never been better.
Although I’ve allowed myself to exhale, just a little, she will remain at risk, because every sector of society—the media, the government, the schools, medicine and psychology–is now saturated with the message that if you’re a “gender nonconforming” girl–one who prefers the clothing, activities, and hairstyle more typical of the opposite sex– you just might actually be a boy.
What did I, and the other adults who love her, do? It hasn’t been easy. In fact, for a time it was a living hell, a purgatory of slammed doors, stony silence, yelling matches, and mostly—waiting.
There was no magic answer. We rode it out. I learned something about keeping my mouth shut. About saying my piece and then leaving it be. About living with uncertainty. We didn’t cater to demands for instant gratification. We paid for and encouraged activities that would get her out into nature and off the Internet. Mostly, we waited.
I drew a clear line in the sand: There would be no money to pay for a gender therapist, testosterone, or a binder. If she wanted to pursue those things at the age of medical majority, that would be her choice—and it would be on her dime. At the same time, I let her know that her clothing and hairstyle choices were hers to make. Further: I purchased the “men’s” clothing (including underwear), paid for the haircuts, supported all the other stuff she wanted to do or wear that is more “male typical.” Not always successfully, I tried to calmly and sparingly convey the message that however she dressed, whatever interests she pursued, she was a female—perhaps an unusual one, but a young woman nevertheless, who might someday become a role model to show other girls just how amazing and truly “gender-expansive” a woman can be.
Like many who read this blog, I phoned gender therapists during the weeks after her announcement that she was trans. Without even meeting my child in the flesh, all four of these therapists talked to me like this trans thing was a done deal. I wrote about one of those conversations here. One very friendly therapist, an FTM whose website stressed commitment to “informed consent,” assured me that there was no need for my daughter to first experience a sexual or romantic relationship before deciding whether she was trans. “Most of the young people just skip that step now,” the therapist said.
Skip that step? I thought back to my own adolescence. I didn’t even begin to have a clear idea of who I was, as a sexual being, until after I’d had more than one relationship. It took years for me to come to know my body’s nuances and intricacies, its capacity for pleasure, how I might feel in relation to another. [Update: for lesbian youth in particular, this process can be a long one, on average not complete until one’s early 20s]
This same therapist signed my kid up for a “trans teen” support group scheduled for the following week—again, without ever having met her. “There’s nothing you or I can do about your daughter being trans,” said another therapist… on the phone, without having met my kid. Yet another therapist refused to talk to me at all; insisted she’d have to have a private appointment with my kid first.
Contrary to the myth promulgated by the transition promoters, at least in the United States, there is no slow and careful assessment of these kids who profess to be trans. The trend is to kick out the gatekeepers, and move towards a simple model of “informed consent”: If you say you’re trans, you are–no matter how young and no matter when you “realized” you were trans.
All these therapists seemed well meaning enough. They believed they were doing the correct thing. But with each conversation, I felt more and more uneasy. My gut feeling that something wasn’t right led me to research, to question…to put the brakes on. And the more I read, and thought, and understood, the more determined I became to find an alternative. I started this blog out of sheer desperation. I needed to find someone, anyone, who understood what I was going through. I needed other parents to talk to—badly.
My kid never did go to a gender therapist. Never did sit in a room full of “trans teens.” If she had, I feel certain she’d be sporting a beard right now.
When I first started blogging, I got a lot of hate mail. In every anonymous drive-by comment, the hater referred to my “son” who would grow up to hate my guts. “He” would surely commit suicide, and more than one of them wished me a lifetime of misery when that inevitably happened. Even the mildest posts resulted in hostile reblogs from strangers who had not the slightest idea of my family’s situation.
At first, these anonymous barbs stung, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that I could rely on my inner parental compass. Because, see, I know my daughter. I knew, when she suddenly began spouting the gender-policed jargon planted in her head by Tumblr trans activists, that this wasn’t who she really was. This was a girl who, all through childhood, was never “gender conforming” but who was secure in herself because I’d made sure she knew, via my words and my example, that girls could be and do anything.
Most of all, I knew she needed me—not to blindly “support” and give in to her every demand, but to simply BE THERE, even as a limit; a steady place she could push and rail against. It was scary, and painful, being on the receiving end of teen outrage. Because a teenager does have the right to make some of their own decisions. Later adolescence is a time of individuation, dawning adulthood. Haranguing or lecturing not only gets you nowhere, it isn’t fair. Negotiation is probably the most important parenting skill when it comes to high-school-aged youth. And no parent gets it right all the time. (Paradoxically, part of being a halfway decent parent is knowing how imperfect you are at the job.) But one thing became more and more clear to me: my child did not need a parent who would collaborate in sending her down a road to being a permanent medical patient. In fact, she needed protection from the very same people who were sending me hate mail on Tumblr.
Not so long ago, child and adolescent psychologists—people who actually study the development of young human beings—were frequently cited and quoted. These experts, as well as every other rational adult, were well aware that kids shift identities: try this one on, shed it like a snake skin, try on another. Younger kids go through a long and wonderful period of make believe and magical thinking. They are actually convinced they ARE the identity they try on. And adolescents are renowned for trying on hairstyles, belief systems, clothing styles—only to discard them after a few weeks, months, or maybe even years.
In contrast to today’s social-media-fueled paradigm, when a kid’s announcement that they are the opposite sex is taken at face value by seemingly everyone around them, it was previously understood that adults were largely responsible for the inculcation of gender stereotypes into children’s minds. Children aren’t born hating their sexed bodies. They only grow to reject themselves when someone they look up to promotes the idea that their likes and dislikes in clothing, toys, activities, or other pursuits are seen as incongruent with their natal sex.
A child’s burgeoning sense of self, or self-concept, is a result of the multitude of ideas, attitudes, behaviors, and beliefs that he or she is exposed to. The information that surrounds the child and which the child internalizes comes to the child within the family arena through parent-child interactions, role modeling, reinforcement for desired behaviors, and parental approval or disapproval (Santrock, 1994). As children move into the larger world of friends and school, many of their ideas and beliefs are reinforced by those around them. A further reinforcement of acceptable and appropriate behavior is shown to children through the media, in particular, television. Through all these socialization agents, children learn gender stereotyped behavior. As children develop, these gender stereotypes become firmly entrenched beliefs and thus, are a part of the child’s self-concept.
… Often, parents give subtle messages regarding gender and what is acceptable for each gender – messages that are internalized by the developing child (Arliss, 1991). Sex role stereotypes are well established in early childhood. Messages about what is appropriate based on gender are so strong that even when children are exposed to different attitudes and experiences, they will revert to stereotyped choices (Haslett, Geis, & Carter, 1992).
We have people like this: the mother of a six-year-old girl who has “transitioned” to male, writing storybooks to indoctrinate kindergartners. To suggest to them that they, too, might really be the opposite sex:
“Can the doctor have made a mistake? Was I supposed to have been born a boy? Am I the only kid in the world like this?”
Deep down, Jo Hirst had been anticipating these questions. And she knew she had to get the answers right.
It was bedtime, and her six-year-old was curled up on her lap. Assigned female at birth, from 18 months of age Hirst’s son* had never wanted to wear female clothing and always played with boys.
I challenge anyone to find me a single account of a “transgender child” which does NOT resort to talking about toys, hairstyle, clothing, or play stereotypes to justify the diagnosis of “trans” in a young child.
Our kids are being cheated of the opportunity, the breathing space, to simply explore who they are without a gaggle of adults jumping in to interfere with the process by “validating” their frequently transient identities. Kids are being encouraged to freeze their sense of self in a moment in time, during the period of life when everything is in flux. And even though key researchers have said over and over again that most gender dysphoric kids “desist” and grow up to be gay or lesbian; even though the latest research denies any such thing as a “male” or “female” brain, parents are encouraged to socially transition their kids, put them on “puberty blockers,” and refer to them by “preferred pronouns.”
For very young children, this cementing of the child’s identity in a period when they most need the freedom to simply play and explore—to “make believe”—is essentially stunting the child’s development.
Young children go through a stage where it is difficult for them to distinguish reality from fantasy. Among many other things, it’s why we have ratings on films. A young child can’t understand that the monster onscreen is not real.
Research indicates that children begin to learn the difference between fantasy and reality between the ages of 3 and 5 (University of Texas, 2006). However, in various contexts, situations, or individual circumstances, children may still have difficulty discerning the difference between fantasy and reality as old as age 8 or 9, and even through age 11 or 12. For some children this tendency may be stronger than with others.
Just exactly what is motivating doctors and psychologists to jettison decades of research and clinical practice in favor of a completely unsubstantiated and unproven hypothesis of “transgender from birth”? The glib answer is: suicide. But if a gender nonconforming youth expresses the desire to self harm, encouraging that youth to further dissociate from their whole selves (because the body and mind, contrary to the bleating of trans activists, are not separate units, but a whole) is not a responsible way to support mental health. As this commenter said in a recent post on GenderTrender:
Wow. Conservatives aren’t the only ones who suck at science. Brain sex? Seriously? If you’re allegedly born in the wrong body, why doesn’t your brain count as part of the “wrong body”? Your brain is telling the truth but the rest of your body is a liar? Wtf? This shit is as sensible as scientology.
Teens often pick up on cues and assimilate ideas presented in movies/films viewed in the movie theater and other sources, (online sources for watching movies now eclipse movie theater viewings or film DVD rentals for teens), and while teens already understand the difference between fantasy and reality, they may still absorb or become attached to ideas that are powerfully presented in films but that have no basis in reality, the teen not having enough experience or knowledge to sort propaganda from fact, fiction from reality. Films, television programs, music and statements from celebrities can [and do] become a part of the thinking and emotional/psychological makeup of teens and children.
This used to be a “duh” thing. Are teens influenced by what they imbibe, what’s in fashion, what celebrities (like Jazz Jennings and Caitlyn Jenner and Laverne Cox) are doing, what their peers are saying and doing? Might socially isolated teens be even more swayed by what they see on social media, while they sit for hours, alone in their rooms?
“Facebook depression,” defined as emotional disturbance that develops when preteens and teens spend a great deal of time on social media sites, is now a very real malady. Recent studies have shown that comparisons are the main cause of Facebook depression; the study showed that down-comparison (comparing with inferiors) was just as likely to cause depression as up-comparison (comparing with people better than oneself).
…Other risks of extensive social networking among youth are loss of privacy, sharing too much information, and disconnect from reality.
My daughter, like so many others I’ve now heard about, emerged from months of self-imposed social isolation and YouTube/Reddit binges, to announce, out of the blue, that she was transgender. And simply for questioning this, for refusing to hop aboard the train, I’ve been labeled a “child abuser” of my “son”? Until the last few years, parents who recognized that teens go through phases weren’t considered abusive. They were considered well informed.
Not so long ago, parents and helping professionals neither interfered with nor bolstered a particular identity that a kid was trying on. Everyone understood this was an important part of growing up: to allow our young to experiment, to see what worked and what didn’t. It’s called the development of a self. It takes years. It’s not even complete at 21. The self doesn’t emerge, fully formed and immutable at birth. It develops in response to experience, to love, and to adversity.
Given my own daughter’s desistence from the idea that she is or was ever “transgender,” I feel even more strongly that parents are right to resist the push by every sector of society to identify “gender dysphoric” minors as “trans.” Yes, some of these young people may go on to identify as the opposite sex; some will seek medical transition. But what the current atmosphere has done is rob them of the crucial time they need to figure it all out. Medical transition was once a rare, adult-only decision. I’m in favor of a return to that more reasonable approach to the matter.
So you bet I’m going to keep doing what I can to support parents who want to at least delay an adolescent’s decision to permanently alter body and mind with hormones and surgeries. You bet I’m going to try to save my own kid from what amounts to a cult that won’t let you leave if you change your mind, without serious social consequences. You bet I’m going to continue to protect my daughter and others like her from a lifetime of difficulty, from the rapacious medical industry that is profiting from the regressive resurgence and marketing of gender stereotypes.
You can also bet that I’m going to continue shedding light on the frankly insane practice of labeling very young children as transgender, conditioning them as preschoolers to believe their own bodies are somehow wrong and alien, that they must undergo teasing and torment from other children, that they must wear prosthetics to amplify or hide their own genitalia to be accepted as they are. Or just as bad: That the entire world must be browbeaten into redefining biological reality such that “some girls have penises” and “some boys have vaginas.”
And this work is not just about protecting kids. It’s also about supporting family members and friends who are deeply affected by the transgender narrative. Extremist trans activists, the media, the doctors and psychiatrists–none of them talk about the terrible damage done to the family system, to the fabric of close relationships, when a child “transitions.” All the activists have to say is that the skeptical parents and loved ones are “transphobes.” No one talks about the fact that the majority of these dysphoric kids would grow up to be gay or lesbian adults if not interfered with; adults with healthy, intact bodies, not dependent on drugs and carved up by surgeons’ knives.
So we have to keep talking about it. We have to keep the lights on in our corner of the Internet, even if only to document this strange medical and cultural fad for future historians.
Thanks to everyone who is traveling this road with me. While I know we often feel swamped and hopeless, we have each other for strength and courage. And for now, that will have to be enough.
Reply to Charlie:
Because we are concerned that when they are in their twenties they may not be very happy anymore sans body parts; with hormones having made changes and/or done damage that they might not want to live with for the rest of their lives. And there is a LOT of pressure to take these steps.
Thank you for this article. I’m living this nightmare right now in my 16 yr old and it’s a carbon copy of your story. I hope for a happy ending to this all. So far we have had 1 suicide attempt and now she is cutting herself.. I just want my daughter back.
My heart goes out to you…and your daughter. Stay strong and keep loving. It’s a long road but hopefully you will both be able to come to terms with whatever direction she chooses. I know It is such a difficult time right now for you both but stress to her that you love her no matter what and try to get counselling to help you both through this. Believe me, I know exactly what you are going through, and it does feel like you’re “Living in Hell”. Hugs…
I am going through this same thing with my 15 year old daughter as well. I just want her to make well informed decisions about her life, but I know that most 15 year old dont. How do you know or find the right counseling? I think she had under lying issues maybe depression. I want to get her help but I don’t even know where to start. Any advice on how to find help from someone that won’t automatically try to start her change process.
I feel sorry for your son because he obviously has an intolerant mother. As someone that struggled with depression and self harm before coming out as non binary at 22 years old, I can tell you that it is something that is innate in me and accepting myself for who I am and having those that love me support me as well has made me a happier and more confident person. I truly hope that your son finds support and I urge you to research and get educated about trans issues by trans people because that’s the only way that you’ll understand how your son feels.
Personally, I don’t think I would be too concerned if my daughter felt she was non binary. As long as she was not thinking along the lines of surgery and hormones to alter herself. I was just intrigued by your use of the word “son”. Surely if you are “non-binary” you don’t believe in the labels of “son” or “daughter”?
As a non binary person I wear a binder and want top surgery, everyone’s experience with gender is different. I don’t believe that there are only two genders and I personally feel like neither a girl or a boy but my experience doesn’t mean that other people don’t identify as men or women. If your son identifies as a boy then he’s a boy no question or doubt.
Riley, it’s incredibly sad that psychologists, gender doctors, and trans activists now encourage a young woman who doesn’t fit gender norms to call herself “nonbinary” and detest her own body so much that she wants to remove parts of it. We can assure you this incredibly irresponsible movement was unknown only a few years ago. Whatever you decide to do, we wish you the best, and hope for your sake that you don’t cause yourself irreversible harm; and that you someday realize how you’ve been convinced to abandon all reason and common sense by people who should instead be protecting you.
Without transitioning I was depressed, anxious, suicidal, and had serious body image problems. The more I transition the better I feel, it’s like night and day. With the suicide rate for trans youth that are closeted, don’t transition, and face judgement about who they are from their family, the way I look at it is would you rather have a dead daughter or a living happy son
I am guessing 13, tops. What’s up with the thought-terminating, one-line cliches? How come literally every pro-trans person inevitably says the exact same lines, “would you rather have a dead daughter, or a living happy son?” I mean, literally word for word, you all make the EXACT same, inane, easily debunkable comments. It’s almost like you’re all in a cult… oh wait… you are! Pro-tranny, groupthink, cluster f*ck. Same old, same old. Boring too.
Silly, simplistic, preadolescent thinking. Feelings don’t determine sex. Gender, as used by you, is the oppressive social construct formerly known as “sex role stereotypes.” Instead of creating more oppressive categories, why not smash gender?! That would be truly worthwhile and rebellious. Sex is reality. You can buy a double mastectomy, but you will never be anything other than 100% female. Learn to embrace your womanhood and make the most of yourself. No one will ever believe that you are “really” anything else, and nonbinary only exists inside your own tormented head. This silly fad will pass, you will grow up, and yes, you will feel like such a tool, because you are. The time for a course correction is now.
Nonsense. Most of us have never fit into a specific role nor did we care. It wasn’t even on our radar. It’s like what the White Witch said to Dorothy at the end of the Wizard of Oz, “You’ve always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself.” Just be who you are but stop the drama. All this insanity over gender and sex. Never in history has so much time been spent navel gazing over this nonsense. It’s all fluff except for those who have been pulled into this so far that they have lost their health and their poor parents their sanity.
Sadly a lot of young people (like this young girl) have been dragged into this cult. Her mother is waiting for her return and you misgender her to her mother who knows it is her daughter. That is a mean spirited act. You are the one who needs to educate yourself but read many articles her at the 4thwavenow blog. It’s full of the truth.
Jane, I may have made myself unclear in my reply to Riley. The vast majority of the population are male or female. And that cannot be changed. We can’t change DNA. We can only rather unsuccessfully, and rather dangerously for many reasons, change parts and functioning of bodies. 0.37% of the population are intersex. Trans Activists love to produce the figure of 1.75%. The authors of that article admitted they were mistaken. And intersex conditions are a diverse range of conditions, including many conditions that are very mild, or that do not create any sexual identity confusion. True hermaphroditism constitutes 0.0012 of the population. Actual chromosomal anomolies are 0.25% of the population. And you would know if you are intersex.
But the stereotypes around gender are ridiculous, so that is why I am not too concerned about the idea of “gender non-binary”. But that is not the same as “sexual non-binary”. Sex cannot be changed. But I think that transgender activists are very confused about this all, and they love to stereotype. One definition of gender is “the state of being male or female (typically used with reference to social and cultural differences rather than biological ones)”
So men and women should be free to wear what they want to wear, have any hairstyles they like etc etc, but they are still men and women. And should the term “son” or “daughter” follow the sex of the person or how they like to dress etc? The latter would be stereotyping, so I would vote for the former.
The transactivists equate gender identity and sexual identity. The former is an artificial construct which I am happy seeing debunked. The latter is based in fact and biology.
Dear “Riley”—
I don’t know you, but I am saddened that you adopted a trans identity and that you are self-harming with medical intervention. Perhaps this is difficult for you to imagine, but if you were a teen ten years ago, you would not identify as trans, or be using T. It wasn’t a thing then. You would be perfectly fine too. It is not surprising that you feel better on testosterone: “Testosterone is a feel-good hormone. It gives men and women a sense of motivation, self-confidence, empowerment and wellbeing” …this is from a Naturopath’s website who advises ways to boost natural testosterone levels (exercise, etc.) but does not recommend treatment—even for men.
Perhaps you were depressed, and T seemed to solve the problem? The trans identity felt empowering?
I am sorry that you think your authentic self is about leaving your true self and harming your body.
How sad for you and your family. I hope that one day you can think deeply about who you really are and who you were. Get rid of your online influences and your peers that encourage this. You are fine just the way you were—a natural woman.
The child no longer identifies as a boy. You just misgendered her, and it turned out the “intolerant” mother really did know that her daughter would desist and was really a girl.
Like the OP said, she has stopped being a son already.
My son just dropped this bomb on me yesterday. He is 24 and there were absolutely ZERO signs of any gender confusion. He played lacrosse, legos, shot guns…he had access to his sister’s toys but never wanted to play with them. He never dressed up, never said anything…not one person in my family can make this fit.
He went to see a psychologist, started blockers 3 weeks later and is now taking estrogen. He is using these chemicals and won’t have another session with the psychologist for 5 weeks. He is an adult, but I’m struggling hard on this. I still love him with all of my heart, but I can’t watch it. He has told a few friends who are safe to tell, who immediately started using his new female name, didn’t pause once. He is riding this high of being accepted but I don’t see him acknowledging the risks he is taking. My mind is blown. It doesn’t add up.
Third way Trans is a very good resource and I would have him reach out there. The man who detransitioned is relatively young. He’s super nice and would email your son back. Also have read about permanent chanel in any of Walter Heyer books. His friends will end up ditching him, then what? And I would ask, What if you’re wrong? The consequences are irreversible. Also the book Boundaries is a good one along with Safe People. After reading these, it helped me understand that I have the right to my own emotional health and boundaries. Not WATCHING the process is something I feel blessed that I don’t see my kid much. It hurts both 9f us, but what kind of life is it when your own family disagrees and doesn’t want to be involved? To me it’s a sign to run as fast as you can as a youth. Keep asking questions and giving him additional resources. And stay callm. If you are still in his life, then you have influence and can be his north star. Don’t give in bit listen and ask questions.
I am so sorry to hear that. He is not a woman. He is a young man with gender dsyphoria and this transition crap will ruin him and mess him up for life. It doesn’t sound like you can stop him but if you can then do it. He has Autogynephila AGP. Check out Rod Fleming, Ray Blanchard and people like Everything is Fine and InfamousT on twitter. There are two types of men who transitions and it’s clear cut. The first are those boy who we all know as being extremely gay since they were litte and the second are AGP. Just like your son. He has a fantasy or fetish of believing himself to be a women. Don’t judge him just love him. But love is not acceptance. Acceptance will send him farther down the rabbit hole. Dysphoria is a mental condition. I know. I’ve been in your shoes. Lots of support for parents from other parents on twitter. It will help but we are all suffering.
The trans movement is a lie.
Thank you for the replies. I know I cannot make him stop, he has always been stubborn as hell. I wrote him a letter, not a letter of accusation or name calling, but one listing my concerns.
I am on Xanax now, am seeing a therapist today because I’m losing it. I just found out that he will be sterile and it is almost always irreversible. The statistics of him getting raped, brutalized, diseased, homeless, jobless etc are beyond alarming.
This decision was made in haste. He did not explore, he leapt with abandon.
He is still on our insurance. My husband told him we would support his exploring but we did not sign up for hormones/body altering. We are exploring not renewing him next year.
For those who think that is cruel. You do not know my son. He is,I believe, on the autism spectrum, has never had any relationship with a male or female, never had sex of any kind, never gone to any LGBTQ events/functions/get togethers. How can he know what he prefers in any relationship when he is altering his natural body and brain function.
I want him to slow down, get counseling for dysphoria (not in an effort to change him but to explore) and reach a rational decision.
As a parent I must do what I can to protect him. Ask him to explore what this means BEFORE altering himself. I need him to really think…is he running away from other problems thinking he can invent a new self. Because this”new self” will carry all past problems forward and add a ton more if this isn’t for him.
Many of us have been exactly in your shoes. In fact there is an epidemic of parents out there. My guess is that your doctor told you to accept it. The entire medical profession has gone batshit crazy but if you have a doctor who isn’t crazy consider yourself very lucky. When on the internet and YouTube you first find people actually telling you congratulations on your new daughter. Aholes (pardon my language but I hate these people). Then when you look deeper you find those who are questioning and the detransitioners. You are not transphobic. They will call you anything to shut you down. Until people are plunged into the middle of this like you have been they don’t know that this has a seedy underbelly which includes transitioning everyone asap. Children are also quickly confirmed and as soon as possilbe put on puberty blockers that will sterilize them and cause their genitals to stop growning thus sealing their fate by age 12 or so. Sick. Sick. Sick.
My suggestion to you might seem harsh but this is not the time for political correctness. The transgender movement is a complete fraud. Don’t waiver from that. You know it in your gut just as you know your son is not a woman. Tell him point blank he is a young man with gender dysphoria and he needs to deal with it as a young man. Don’t buy into any of the female stuff other than supporting the fact that he has a condition called gender dysphoria which is making him uncomfortable with his body. Ask specifically what is bothering him (might be facial hair or anything that he doesn’t like that is causing him discomfort). Tell him that he must go to a therapist and then you need to call around and find a therapist who is gender critical. That will be tough although I think they are finally waking up to this being a social contagion. It’s taken long enough. I and many other parents have nothing but contempt for the medical profession.
I am so sorry that you have been hit with this. I was blessed with some time to process and pull together a position on this based on reading, following many on twitter including other suffering parents, trans people both those who believe they are women and those who have come to believe it is a total scam. Of those it includes sadly young men like your son (and mine although I have manage to hold him off from doing anything) who transitioned and now are trying to detransition but who are devastated that no one stopped them and that they were pushed through the trans assembly line. Make no miistake about it, the trans movement is being pushed. So what this means is that your son will come back and blame you for not trying hard enough to stop him. Yep that’s how unfair all this will be. So please lose it with him, tell him he is not a woman and he knows it. If you have to cut off insurance do it in a heartbeat. At the very least tell him no surgery especially lower surgery. Only 1 in 5 men have lower surgery (but think they are women – tell me this is not mental illness). More than anything follow the many people who are following 4thwavenow on twitter. Get yourself set up with a pseudo name and never give out your personal details. You will find many people to support you. They are an odd bunch and many are not afraid to fight this movement. Rad Fems in particular (Radical Feminists see men wanting to be woman as erasing women. They are called awfulnames but they don’t budge. I love them. They are working hard to expose this ideology which as you can now see has many cult aspects to it.
In any event I truly hope you are able to stop him in his tracks or force him to slow down. He needs time to reflect and realize that no man can transition to being a woman. He will be farther away from his real self. Best wishes. I will say a prayer for you.
I’m in the same boat Blownaway…my son was 21 when he decided he was a girl with NO previous signs AT ALL! It has been a year and a half and besides the request of using ‘appropriate’ pronouns and ‘her’ new name, he has made no effort to push this or come out to anyone except his friends. I really don’t get it. We have been very supportive but have stated that he really needs therapy before starting any physical changes or drug therapy. We have also made it clear that he is an adult and we will not pay for any of this. He has a girlfriend and calls himself a lesbian. I truly feel he just wants something to make himself ‘different’ in his group of homosexual friends. We are in a holding pattern right now but it is so bizarre. He still dresses as a male and only wears his ‘female’ clothes and make up when going out with friends on rare occasions. I’m just so confused.
My son is 35 years old, and told me he was trans, 2 days before Thanksgiving, I find it hard to believe, I have lived with my son, due to me having epilepsy, he served in the Army for 13 years, I traveled with him from state to state, he deployed 3 times, he was medically retired, in Colorado,due to PTSD and back injuries, we lived there for 10 years, his PTSD was severe, he had decided it was time to move back home where there was friends and family, we get home and there is no one to talk to, it is still just the 2 of us, the same as it has been since 1998, he wanted to find someone and settle down in this small city, he started seeing a VA therapist every week, he told this therapist he thought he should be a woman, he didn’t like the way he looked, liked woman’s clothing, felt he should be in a woman’s body, this therapist signed him off to go see a physicist, this physicist talked to him for a hour and a half and told him yes your trans gender, a hour and a half and they know this, I would think before they start all the hormones, they would put these people who believe this under extensive therapy, but no, I am totally crushed, I can’t deal with it, I don’t believe it, I have been with my son for 35 years I would think I know my son better than a 1 and 1\2 hour physicist. I have been fighting this, it is getting so bad I am looking elsewhere to live, he has grown his hair long, bought women’s clothing, only wears them in his room, he is now taking hormones, and wants the surgery to become a woman, where he is going to come up with the money for this I haven’t a clue, but he insists this is what he wants, and he will find away. My son and I have always been very close, but all this has put a strain on what we shared. He never showed any signs of femininity, while he was growing up, I look at him and wonder where my son is, I believe it has to be something else, and this is just a escape, a very serious escape, I want him to check into other possibilities, but he won’t, this is not my son, he would never think of something like this
Dear Lucy,
I am so sorry this is happening. I have found this issue with my daughter to be the most difficult and distressing event of my life. I know your pain as do so many who will read your post.
YOU need support bc this transgender issue is a mighty strong and ruthless animal to interact with, even if you do move away. I live far from my daughter yet still cry and hope and rage and spin in my head over it all.
If you do not have good support, find a counselor, clergy, or whatever you need to hang on emotionally and mentally.
And NOT a gender counselor. They are a huge part of the problem.
You are overwhelmed and sad because it IS overwhelming and so very, very sad.
I Just started seeing a counselor, living in a small city, they don’t hear of this, I don’t know what to do, with my epilepsy, I can’t drive, so moving out for me is going to be hard, I don’t believe this is my son, has anyone’s adult child realized this isn’t them and changed their mind before it’s too late, from what I have heard and read they have to live like half man and half woman for a year, I don’t know how anyone could do that, I don’t know if I should keep trying to get through to my son this isn’t him, or keep my mouth shut and pray to God he will see this isn’t right
I too am going through your EXACT situation and its heartbreaking. I do not know what to do. She is 17 and she was a HUGE girl into all the girl thing and then playing some online games where you play with people all over the world and then a few years ago she said she likes girls. I was fully ok with that. But yesterday she told me she wants to change her gender to male and do the T changes and etc and she told me the cost and the insurance would or would not cover it and etc …. but she still acts like a girl in so many ways. What should I do? Ride it out or what? I do not mind if she likes girls at all but her changing fully to a guy, is heart breaking and I cried now since yesterday cause it is like my daughter, if she changes to male would be dead now. What do I do?
Texas Mom, my heart goes out to you! I know exactly how you feel. I wish I could give you words of wisdom or guidance but I am still mourning the loss of my daughter and have not been given the opportunity to get to know the “new son” I now have. Know you are not alone and I wish you and your family all the best as you get through this.
I am going through this with my 15 year-old boy. Never liked girls stuff or gave any signs and now has decided he is trans. Is there any support group or something?
Patricia, there is a forum for parents at the Gender Critical Resources website. To join this group of parents, go to this link: https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/ where you can view the (very small) public portion of the forum. If you want to join and access the many, many threads and join in discussions with other gender-critical parents of trans-claiming children and young adults, click on “register,” which is near the top/left.
You’ll need an email to register; your email will never be shown online but you may want to use an anonymous account. Also, you’ll probably want to choose an anonymous forum name. Once you register, your account must be approved by admin, which usually takes anywhere from an hour to a day.
Best wishes to you and your child.
Hello
OMG! I was so happy to read this…going through this with my 14 yr old step daughter. Man society and others make us feel like we have to conform and go with everything our children tell us. But my husband and i dont feel like we should agree with it all. What happened to parents parenting. Thank you again for letting us know there are parents who will not conform.
Tons of us. Follow a lot of the same followers who follow @4thwavenow on twitter and you will find a lot of information that the main stream media won’t put out. This is a social contagion especially with young girls. Activists are running the show and many doctors and professionals are afraid to speak out. Keep away from family members who want to affirm. Follows mom’s like Nervouswreckmom on twitter. She has been through this and you will find an ally in her and many others. All the best.
My daughter announced she was transgender and had body dysmorphia at 12…she was assaulted at 8 and disclosed and was interviewed by police just 6 months prior to this….her father who has mental health issues then had a full breakdown and left the family home….she began self harming and attempted suicide…now we are looking at an assessment of autism….the best way to describe where I am with all this is I feel I have no confidence in her ability to make decisions…I believe her transgender belief is underpinned by sexual trauma.and her feeling she isn’t like other girls…which could be due to autism…I too was told I was transphobic…I don’t call her by her male name or use male pronouns…she wears boys clothes…short hair…and uses a male name….this is slowly destroying me…I joined mermaids but I can’t do what they do…feel a failure…struggling here
What would make your son happy? That’s what you must think about here. Calling him a girl and not by his name won’t make him happy. I’m not saying let him walk over you but don’t walk over him. Parenting isn’t just one way street. Be mindful of each other. Get support from mermaids to be better. You must mourn the death of a daughter
Exhibit A: What Mermaids (UK pro-kid transition charity) hath wrought.
Mermaids???? Get support from Mermaids??? That’s exactly what you and she must not do. They will support her to eugenics and to leaving her family. Get your support here, read and ask questions. Remember you are the parent and legally have jurisidiction over your child. Remember EVERY child at this age is driving their parents crazy, over control, clothing, drugs, something; remember teens bucking against parents is normal, but transgendering is not.
Your daughter is not dead and you have nothing to mourn. What crap is that? Keep in the fight. This is what it means to be a mother: you NEVER concede no matter what. Your job is to do what’s best for her, no matter how ugly it gets. Teach these people the meaning of the word MOTHER. Never give in.
Lena, I really think it depends on the age of the child and the circumstances. Going overboard and being too aggressive can have bad results too (I.e. suicide, running away, etc). I agree to your point that solely getting information from a Center is not the only information and assistance you should be getting as a family because they do lean toward transitioning rather than helping the child to figure out their future. In my case, I strongly took a stance when I felt my daughter was no longer suicidal however once she turned 18 and was legally considered an adult, she started hormone treatments, had breast removal surgery and a hysterectomy and will no longer have anything to do with me. Yes learn from others and their stories, get facts and try to be understanding but firm, and every situation is different but yet the same. Everyone needs to make decisions when it comes to their own children and all you can do is hope for the best. I wish there were some stronger rules for doctors and surgeons to enforce waiting until they are old enough to make life changing decisions but because this has only become a larger issue over the past few years the governments have not gotten a handle on things yet which is truly unfortunate.
“Going overboard and being too aggressive can have bad results too (I.e. suicide, running away, etc).”
Is that the 2017 version of “you’re over-reacting”? And suicide, running away caused by you being too aggressive?
You did not cause your daughter to run away: they did.
Get back in the game. Start by telling whichever trans*psych told you this is your fault to fuck off.
Jo, my 18 year old daughter recently went to the social security office and changed her name, and will soon be getting her driver’s license with her new name on it. She cut her hair again and it’s now pretty short. I’m devastated. She has been wearing boy’s pants and things for about a year; said she liked the deeper pockets and liked the roominess of boys shirts. Her and some friends all gave each other psuedo names when she was in 9th grade. She has stuck with it (a male name) , her high school teachers etc refer to her by her new name. I feel like I’m going crazy. She lays a guilt trip on me and makes me feel like shit. I will never refer to her as a my son, nor call her by anything other than her beautiful birth name. It might kill her, but if she keeps on this path, she’s already dead anyway. I really thought it was a faze that she would out grow. I’m at my wit’s end on how to deal with her upcoming high school graduation. I have 2 older sons and we did their senior pictures in the spring. I’m sick and so distraught that I just want to sit in my running car in the garage and be done with it all.
Terese, I’m so sorry. Hang in there. My daughter went thru the motions to get her high school senior photos made as her “old” self before all of a sudden chopping her hair super short. Which was a huge change. And she wondered why I stopped taking pictures….um, well, this kind of seems nuts kid, it is so shockingly sudden with no warning to me anyway. Well, this has now been going on for over 2 years and I don’t know if it will last. Information from some detransitioners note that quite a few hang in there for 4 years. Since your kid is an adult (yes, I know “adult” but legally she is), try to breathe deeply and let her decide if she wants senior pictures or not. If she doesn’t want them, save your money. If she does, she can look at them years from now and remember how she was. To see our beautiful daughters adopting manly mannerisms, is bizarre and painful and mind-bendingly stressful. As long as they see others doing the same thing, the phase seems to be lasting a very long time. But please, keep reaching out to us other parents, and hang in there.
@Terese – Stay out of the garage. Let’s be crazy together, because whether we’re successful or not – I need you. I need everybody on this board. The last two times I talked to my daughter, I told her to remember: “Those people who are telling you your feelings, your actions, your personality are not good enough to be what you are. Those people who are telling you and other young women you aren’t right, and need to change…to mutilate yourself and take drugs…To become what you can never be: THEY have given up on you, but I haven’t. I won’t. Not until you do.”
…I’ve written down and practice lines like that. My time with my daughter can’t compete with the Internet and her influences, so I try to be extremely efficient with my words. …and it’s tough, because I also resent her for somehow managing to find yet another way to do nothing of value and be the center of stress in the family. Then sometimes I see her as that kid who was just behind everybody else, and socially awkward [like me when I was young] but wasn’t given a chance to BE awkward and I hate the world, and the media, and Hollywood, and the politicians for stupidly making heros out of a few mentally deranged stars and creating a trans-cult movement that is destroying our young women. Angry, sad, depressed, guilt ridden….crazy…yes.
Hang in there with us.
Yes, hang in there, please. I have felt the same very dark feelings you are feeling. I still feel them. It’s a living nightmare.
But I do see here articles and brave new voices that are beginning to fight back and I am more hopeful.
I know this site has very well educated and rational folks on it. And they love their children enough to fight for health and sanity for them.
But it’s tough and heartbreaking…and I truly believe criminal. THAT is what must happen…bring charges against these mutilators.
I am not sure how to do it but someone here surely is smart enough!
Thank you for this post. 3 days ago my 12 years old daughter told her father that she is a boy. Not that she wants to be a boy, she is a boy. I’m trying to give her the space and support, but deep inside I know she’s not a boy, she was never a girly girl but neither acted as a boy. She looks like a 15 years old, grew phisicaly too fast and now she’s a kid in the body of a woman. It’s breaking my heart, she doesn’t want to go to school because she feels she’s lying to her friends by not telling how she feels; yet at the same time I can’t see why she worry so much all day. She has always been very obsessive and I think now transgender is her new focus. She read all she needed to know, so now the arguments are very rational and she just won’t accept any opposition. She’s sweet and carying, yet she looks so lost, I’m confused because of all the media. When did being transgender became a “normal” phase in childhood?????
It’s not a part of normal childhood. It is a social contagion that many kids seem to be picking up on. I would not suggest being supportive. You need to read through many articles and learn as much as you can. You need to tell her that she can never become a boy-she can only have surgery and take testosterone which will change her body forever but not who she really is which is a girl. You have your own relationship with your daughter so I can’t tell you what to do but she needs time to sort this out in her head and see it’s a load of crap. You have to buy that time anyway you can and keep giving her correct information even if she doesn’t like it. Anyway that’s my advice. Maybe others will have different advice. I hope you hear from many people. Following @4thwavenow on twitter is the best thing you can do to find others who are combatting this insanity. My best wishes to you and your family.
Exploring themselves is completely normal in childhood. It always will be. If he feels like a boy he is a boy.
Case closed mam
Just stop thinking and repeat after me: A child is always right. Parents should ignore any insight or prior knowledge they may have about their children. Gender therapists, and especially anonymous trolls on the Internet know best. Case closed “mam.”
Oh, I see you subscribe to the gender dust from the magic gender unicorn theory. If a child feels something it’s true. Well serious studies show that up to 90% of kids lose their gender dysphoria if left alone but cult advocates like yourself rush in to push parents out and push kids down the transitioning trail. It ends with broken lives, kids and families. Here’s an idea: Why don’t you trans-activists mind your own business and take care of your own unfortunate children and let other adults take care of their families. All of the women on this thread would appreciate that very much. Those are the facts mam.
Agreed they are pushing this as a societal norm, it’s not normal teenage behavior. My daughters mannerisms have changed over the years from feminine mannerisms to borderline masculine mannerism. To me it’s pretending to be something that she’s not. People say just accept her for who she is, however this is not who she is. Plus they would feel differently if it was their child. This stuff is widespread on the internet and on TV. It’s like the mentally ill have taken over and now things that where at one time mental illness have become societal norms.
It’s a hard situation and my heart goes out to anyone dealing with it. I question my parenting, maybe if I had done something differently.
Seriously stop being transphobic,
Why don’t you stop worrying about other people’s children? “Boy” and “girl” aren’t FEELINGS, they’re facts of biology. You should seriously go study some.
a lot of people have said cutting down on internet access and finding some kind of replacement activity that involves physical movement has been helpful for their kids. I would also ask her what it is about her that she feels is incompatible with being female. What makes someone a boy or girl, in her opinion? I think you will find that she has absorbed a lot of negative messages about what girls are “supposed” to be. The truth is that there is not a way of being or personality or interest or lifestyle that is incompatible with being female.
The article in Quilette by Lisa Marciano touched on all the things that I bought up to the gender therapist at CHOP. When I said to the therapist “are you aware that groups of girls are transitioning together?” Her reply was ” oh yes I’m perfectly aware of this. These girls are redefining gender and sexuality”. Those were her words verbatim. In other words groups of girls that used to be called lesbians are now turning themselves into Straight” guys. My child gets furious if anyone says she is a lesbian. How the hell is that healthy thinking??? All I know is I used to have a caring loving healthy daughter and now I’m sitting and waiting for testosterone to change her into something she can never be. Thanks to all the activists,therapists, gender specialists and media for taking my daughters healthy body!!!! Go to hell all of you for dismissing all my concerns. I have never in my life felt such a helpless rage
I guess this will be like the opiod crisis which was created by the medical profession . How long are all these professionals just going to go along with this. How many young women’s bodies and fertility and health will need to be sacrificed until the therapists wake the hell up and stop this????
Seriously stop being transphobic:
Exploring themselves is completely normal in childhood. It always will be. If she thinks she feels like a boy, she thinks she feels like a boy.
Since when is thinking and feeling factual?
People used to think the earth was flat, radiation was good for you, heroin was a good ingredient for cough syrup, bloodletting was good for you, mercury could cure syphilis, tobacco was good for the teeth and all sorts of other things, lobotomies were good for treating PTSD, tapeworms were a good way to lose weight, cocaine was a good thing to have in coke, etc. We could carry on all day!
If a kid exploring their “gender”just wanted to experiment with different clothes and hairstyles, that would be fine. But these days they are heavily encouraged to bind or tuck, take cross-hormones, have surgery; that are either entirely or partially irreversible, can cause serious damage, or even take their lives. “Dribbling” and loss of sexual pleasure seem to be acceptable risks by the surgeons. And infertility a trifling inconsequence.
These medical procedures need to be delayed until full maturation of the brain (25 years), and after adequate psychotherapy for possible depression, anxiety, Aspergers, post-traumatic stress disorder etc etc.
when i was 13, i wanted a nose job in the worst way. my parents said ‘no way jose.’ end of story. of course, by the time i was old enough to afford to do it myself, i had long since moved on.
but what if they had agreed? i might have lost my precious and irreplaceable sense of smell.
Muriel, I totally agree. Though we were teenagers once too, and thought we knew everything, teenagers are not old enough to make life changing decisions because their bodies and brains are still developing. My daughter is 19 and has already had the breast removal surgery and hysterectomy and I worry a few years from now she’s going to regret it, maybe she won’t but parents want the best for their children (whatever that may be) but kids don’t want to listen to reasoning. There should be some age restrictions on not only testosterone but major surgeries as well, at least age 25 which is when their brains have fully developed. Sigh…
GrievingMom, and anyone else listening, my 20 year old daughter announced out of the blue almost 2 years ago that she was male after going away to first semester at college.. No signs whatsoever growing up, other than socially awkward. Very smart, shy. Announced she was gay her senior year of high school, dated a girl, which we accepted – she struggled with anxiety, depression in high school, but no “gender dysphoria” issue. Her coming out as male was angry and she became verbally and even physically violent when we tried to talk with her about it. She started testosterone about a year and a half ago, and that definitely made the depression and anger/profanity/violence worse, at least around me and my husband. My husband, at the beginning, said we should/would just take her off our insurance, but she threatened to kill herself, or tell us the she would not be around much longer if she wasn’t able to get “top surgery” soon, because she’s in so much pain and in so much danger of someone killing her for being trans. We said we wouldn’t be paying for any medical intervention, couldn’t afford it, expressed that we disapproved and thought she was making a huge mistake. We kept her on our insurance, because of her mental health issues and since we couldn’t afford a separate policy for her (thinking we would get one that would not have coverage for gender survey to slow this down0. She’s since failed out of college, but due to her depression and suicide threats (plus a further trauma involving the suicide of a roommate) we’ve continued to support her financially , paying rent, providing weekly food money. She has been working in a restaurant, had two jobs for bit, to save money for “top surgery” (radical double mastectomy’). We did not think she would ever save enough to go forward so soon, that the process would naturally be slowed down because she was having difficulty getting approval letters from her therapist and psychiatrist. i had been in contact with both of them to let them know of her instability, the suicide threats, and even a threat last month over the phone to “cut us” or kill herself if we stopped any of her medical benefits. So, despite this, the psychiatrist signed off on the paperwork to the insurance company, as did the ‘doctor’ providing her the hormones, and our insurance approved the surgery as ‘medically necessary.’ She has scheduled the surgery with an out of state gender surgery center (it’s done on an out-patient basis) and is taking a ‘road trip’ with her friends, staying at a hotel to have this done. Right before the holidays. My husband and i are heartbroken, angry that we enabled this while just trying to support her through her mental health issues, and I wake up every morning, panic and anxiety setting in immediately, and scrambling for a way to stop her before she completes this next step. We met in person last week and I calmly expressed all of our concerns, including that since she is only 20, what if she regrets this in 2-3 years or more? She only came out as male less than 2 years ago, and so her mind could change again. I explained that we grow so much in our lives that we are not the same people when we are 20 as when we are even 25 or 30 and would not make those same decisions in many cases as the younger version of ourselves. She said that she believed that this would make her feel happier and less anxious and depressed about her body, which is what her psychiatrist (a male!) told her. She said she wouldn’t be talked out of it and accused me of trying to control her as always. We have two other kids still at home and so we have tried to maintain peace here, and keep going, but this latest plan has pushed me over the edge to absolute anxiety and panic. My husband is now saying we should have just thrown her off benefits at the beginning and is blaming me for that, but he also says, like everyone else including my own therapist, that there’s nothing we can do at this point other than try to keep lines of communication open for when/if everything falls apart. To let her make her own mistakes and work through this. But, as the mother of this once beautiful, happy, and intelligent girl, I woke up again today in this heightened state of panic and anxiety and am feeling that I, as her mother, I should do everything within my power to protect her, stop her from doing this, and so cancel her from our insurance, so that the surgery will be stopped. I know her response will be to threaten to or may actually kill herself, or threaten or actually physically attack us. Others say that this decision to take her off benefits should have been done at the beginning, and so by financially supporting her while she saved money for it, we’ve “enabled” it and shouldn’t pull the rug out at the last minute. i feel, and have told her repeatedly, that she should at least wait for some time to be certain; she said she hadn’t thought at all that she would have regret, until I mentioned it, but if she did, she would just have further surgery to add her breasts back on and change back to a woman! This to me expresses the level of maturity and lack of foresight behind all of this, plus all of this has been driven by her depression, and I think as a solution to fix that. None of the therapists have worked together to address those issues; one therapist would not sign the approval letter, and so my daughter dropped him and found someone who would. She was even surprised at how quickly it was approved by the insurance company, so her out of pocket amount is much less than she thought she’d need, so she can do this right away. I’m sick over this. All of the cult mentality and social PC at her college town is cheering her on in this as if she’s a hero and brave and her only circle of friends are all trans men, including her roommates.
Please, GrievingMom, and anyone else who’s had to live through this up to this point, please advise me on what I should do, how you handled this as far as coping with the surgery- did you try to stop her? Should I pull the insurance at the 11th hour and hope she’s not sincere in her threats? Even if she didn’t have the insurance, there still clinics out there who do this now for very cheaply, do not require any letters from a psychiatrist or other doctor, as long as they pay cash up from and treat it as “cosmetic surgery,” including the clinic where she’s going. the point is that she still would probably do it, eventually, without the insurance, but we wouldn’t be supporting/condoning and it would slow this down. I think that she is so unstable and so convinced this was fix all of her problems, that if we did cancel insurance so she’ have to wait, she might harm herself. Please, anyone, any advice? Thank you and I pray and hope for all of you.
Hi HopingForMiracle, my heart truly goes out to you. There are so many people with similar yet different stories and the more I hear the more I think this is cult like, especially when I hear the exact same quotes (word for word like they are reading a script) from kids of other parents. I’m not sure I’m the one to give advice because nothing I did seemed to make a difference to my daughter. Once the become an adult, there’s really nothing a parent can do to stop this nonsense and it seems the more we so no, the harder they push to do it. Like your daughter, mine never showed any signs of being male, admitted she was bisexual at 16, then lesbian at 17, now at 19 has been on hormones for a year, has had breast removal surgery and a hysterectomy. It all happened so fast!
As far as cancelling your insurance, that’s up to you. Yes it may prolong the surgery but you know your daughter better than anyone so you are the only one that can judge what her reaction will be and if she’s bound and determined to do it then unfortunately she will do whatever it takes to make it happen.
If you still have somewhat of a good communication line with her, try to talk to her more but get some real facts and statistics to show her. If you have something to back up what you are saying it not only shows her you do care about her enough to look into all of this but may also open her eyes to things she maybe hasn’t considered. Present the information without getting too emotional (I know, easier said than done…sigh…) and hopefully she will take a moment to consider before jumping into things.
I wish you luck and pray you will have better results than I did. Hugs!
I would also report all these doctors to the state board. If you know any other parents who can colaborate your story as far as being pressured, do it. Do it now. Many times if there is a complaint, the doctors have to suspend their practices. These girls are too young, and it’s malpractice with a capital M.
Wow, you and are nearly in the same boat. We also, due to her unstable mental condition, kept our college daughter on our insurance. Then, almost as a divine intervention, my husband lost his job and therefore the insurance. Could this happen to you? Then, it would not be your fault and she would be forced to put it off, especially since you see some doubt there. And, she would have to wait. That way it would not be your fault. Since you hardly see her, how is she to know? And then find a way to drop her. My husbands new job refused to add her because she doesn’t live with us so it would be up to us to put her back on. And for the record, the decisions you made were right at the time and she should thank you for supporting her in that way. Now that she’s an adult, it’s on her and your conscience is free. I know how you feel. I can’t give details here lest I be found out. With Obama care, we kind of were under the impression that we could not take her off so I would just call the insurance company and tell them she has her own adult plan and see if that works. Peace to you. My heart breaks for you.
Oh my … I truly feel your pain HopingforMiracle 😭 ive gotta say that I honestly believe youve done everything in your power to try and help your daughter. I’m so sorry that she’s bound and determined to destroy her God-given body and gender.
I’m heartbroken for you, in fact, because you are in the exact SAME boat as I am with my daughter. She’s determined to destroy herself as well. Has been on Testosterone shots for a little over 2 years now, and is hardly recognizable anymore 💔
My best advice would be for you to definitely cancel the insurance on her … there’s no way you’re gonna wanna look back on any of this and think that you condoned or agreed with any of it. At least, I would have to do that for myself.
My daughter now says that it’s not good enough for me to be glad that she’s happy in the life she has chosen … she says that I have to show that I’m glad she’s happy 😒 Well, there’s no way I’m gonna start calling her by a name she decided to give herself (as a guy)!! I can’t change my child into someone she isn’t!!
HopingforMiracle – I will be praying for you, and your family, and all that you’re going through. Also, consider checking out an all natural treatment for your depression/ anxiety/ panic attacks … I’ve been taking something called Stress ReLeaf since January of this year, and it has done wonders for me. I get it from herbsetc.com ….
May God bless you with some peace and comfort during all of this my friend ❤
Hi, this is for HopingForMiracle… I wish I could give you a big hug right now! This is just such a terribly sad situation and my heart goes out to you.
The other posters have good advice, nobody can really tell you what to do about your insurance but if it’s at all possible, have your husband on-board when you make the decision. I know it’s hard to have unanimity on these things (and God is this all hard on a marriage) but if there’s ANY way for the two of you to present a united front, that’s hugely preferable.
One other suggestion. One young trans-male woman I know, who went through a mastectomy, was actually extremely surprised as how rough and major of a surgery it was (hers took > 7 hours due to uncontrollable bleeding that developed mid-surgery). She is still all-in on trans, but I’m wondering if there is any way you and your daughter could take a field trip, so to speak. If you know anyone who has had a radical mastectomy lately, or if you could even visit a hospital or a doctor where these things happen, it might be really educational for your daughter to see the stitches, the drains, the discharge, the bleeding, the loss of muscle tissue and mobility, etc. etc. At the very least see if you can find a video or two online of what’s involved and tell your daughter, unless she watches them, you’re dropping her.
I met a woman at my job recently who was just a month post-surgery, and she was YOUNG (had it for breast cancer). She still couldn’t drive, was only at work a small amount, had trouble taking care of her kids and so forth. The reality is NOT as presented on YouTube, that’s for darn sure. I think our kids make these decisions without the relevant information at hand, and with no idea what they’re getting into. Most people of that age have had no experience at all with major surgery, or the recovery process, and they’re way, way over-optimistic about it all.
Great advice WorriedMom!
Wow Riley! Thanks! We’ve never been told that line before!! Wow gosh it’s the exact opposite for my kid. Never once self harmed but now that “he is on testosterone he is now self harming and said he wants to kill himself. Hmmm… what do you make of that? In fact every step my kid has taken towards “his” authentic self has increased his anxiety and depression! So I guess I just need to be more affirming and it will all be cool.
@ Riley : my sarcastic gender has finally come out. Today I I ran as fast as my dog and so therefore I decided that I am a dog too. I even painted like him and my hair color is similar so I really really think I am a dog now. Is there a therapist out there that can help me be a dog? Would you rather have an alive human or a dead dog? I am very afraid that if my parents don’t agree with me even though they’re in their 80s then I might have to kill my dog.
Your response to Riley was uncalled for in my opinion and serves no value. I do not agree with teens being dragged into the trans hoopla that is all the rage right now but most of the people on this site are here for support and to obtain knowledge. If Riley has found peace with himself and his parents are trying to be understanding I think that is great. Marie, I hope you aren’t dealing with your own child that way and that things will work out for your own situation. Remember, these are our children, and demeaning them whether they are yours or someone else’s is not acceptable. People do not think before they speak sometimes and how do you know your words aren’t the final straw that pushes Riley back to being suicidal? Please keep that in mind when responding to others, especially these kids.
Lisa littmans study on sudden onset gender dysphoria published in The Journal of Adolescent Health!!
Everything I predicted to the gender therapist is coming true. I told them that she sees this as the answer to all her bad feelings around being a girl and if going on hormones doesn’t prove to be the answer to those problems that things would get real ugly. So now my kid is self harming and suicidal. Hmm….. but I thought the hormones were the magic cure?!!! I told her therapist everyone is just enabling here and because I try to point out reality I am the evil one. Wow! I always thought I put my kids and their needs first? So now my kid won’t go on medication for depression cause she’s worried about side effects!!! Lol! What a horrible jolke! Any studies on T worsening depression and anxiety?? I give up. I have tried everything and I’m about to lose it. So I just give up. I guess my kid has to learn the hard way. Too bad she will probably lose her fertility and health to learn a lesson. Seems like an awfully big price to pay for a teenage mistake
My heart goes out to you Awakened. I hope that your kid sees the light soon. It IS a huge price to pay. What is behind this mass loss of commonsense?
Depression is a side effect of testosterone which is why I don’t understand why they steer these already depressed kids and young adults to take it. I just want to take my child and shake her and ask her what the f&*k she is doing. It is so hard to sit back and watch your child ruin their life and try to become something they will NEVER be!!!!
I’m so sorry, Awakened. My long post (HopingforMiracle) is above, but I know exactly how you feel. I’ve tried to intervene as much as I would be allowed by talking with the gender therapist, psychiatrists, counselors, etc. about my daughter’s depression/mental instability but yes, it was twisted so that I was the evil one trying to harm my child and cause her suicide.I was told her depression, that started when she was about 16, was all caused by her having to go through the “wrong puberty” and that the cure was transitioning. Transitioning in fact has made the depression and suicidal talk much worse. The testosterone also made our daughter’s depression worse, she’s had violent outbursts, and of course, blames it all on the fact that she hasn’t been able to have her breasts removed quickly enough. Now that that is on the calendar, you’d assume everything would be better, but it’s not and will not be after she jumps off that cliff in a few weeks, despite everything we’ve said. It is all a sick and horrible joke, cruel to the young adults going through it and to their families, who are destroyed in the process.
I am sorry you are going through this. Everyone wants a magic bullet to cure their problems, but any realistic adult ought to realize that there isn’t one.
Thank you so much for this. I’m afraid my sister is pushing my niece into being trans while she is just a 13 yo uncomfortable in her own skin. While I’m still not sure what to do, I’m grateful to hear that other youngsters have gone through similar phases.
I’m pretty sure part of the allure of the whole trans scene is the absolute control this kids feel. It’s heady and intoxicating. Especially to kids who feel they have so little control over life. It’s a way to explain their pain and also a way to express that pain. I think it really is so similar to anorexia and self harm. The only difference is nobody in society afffirms the latter. I have talked privately with many teens and young adults and they are very aware that this frequently happens in groups. These teens already know it’s a social contagion. I wonder when the experts will finally admit the same??
I’ve never thought of it as the same as those things but I think you’re absolutely right. My daughter is a completely different person since and I do feel like she feels more powerful and kind of a high with being this way. This is a very good point.
DragonLily… yes, I have seen a change in personality with my child as well. A lot of parents on this site have expressed the same. It’s not a positive change either! I feel so bad for these kids. They don’t understand what a destructive path this is and as frustrated as I get with my kid…I don’t blame her at all. I do blame all the idiots out there that are pushing this as healthy. I will have a very difficult time ever fully trusting the medical and mental health profession ever again. If they can experiment on young healthy bodies in such a callous way then what is stopping them from doing worse to older people?
@Awakened and DragonLily … I’m right there with y’all in the changed personality!! My daughter is completely different after 2 years and a few months of Testosterone shots … Whatever “trace” I could see of my little girl (on the inside) just a year ago, is totally gone now. And it’s definitely not a good change.
My daughter hasn’t done the testosterone thing yet but I asked her one day if that’s a route she was thinking about going down she said it’s not out of the question and there’s nothing wrong with it. I’m truely just hoping that she won’t do it. This whole situation has broken my heart and soul she’s my only.
@DragonLily – I hope your daughter never goes down the path of hormone replacement therapy … It is a rough one to be sure. I simply don’t understand why the kids of today are so enthralled with changing who they were born as!!
Yes, I do believe it is readily talked about online within the youth … but I’ve seen how it’s also applauded on the college campus – they will rally around one another and cheer them on as they decide to destroy themselves. I just wonder if they stay that excited for them throughout the entire process??? I suppose it would be kinda hard for them to do that though, especially if the one who is transgender and going through the changes can’t keep their grades up so they can remain in school.
Sometimes I wonder if my daughter would have remained a daughter – if she just had not moved so far away from home and gone to a university. I’ll never get the answer to that question…
Her friends in hughschool where like that, so over supportive of this behavior. It sounds selfish but I felt to robbed senior year. You dream of your little girl dressing up like a princess for prom and homecoming. My daughter wore a 3 piece suit and man shoes. She was quick to tell me on numerous occasions that her friends say she looks good and that she dresses good. She looks ridiculous most of the times to me.
I think about the current state of my daughter everyday. People say let her be who she is, but I know who she is, who she was. People will encourage and tell you things like that but would they feel the same way if it was their Child. I was hoping she would outgrow this, she did not.
I hope I don’t either. I try to do things to make her still know she’s a girl. Not that that’ll help ☹️. I truly feel for you this is so heart breaking.
I feel like she felt akward in highschool she’s a little heftier than her friends, her skin color is different, her hair texture is different, she looked different than the people she hung out with. When she started acting like a boy/androgynous but more towards the male side she became popular, she got more attention, she got more friends, everyone thought she was cool. Before that she was more of a loner. I feel like she felt like she fitted in and felt empowered.
Kids nowadays just want to skip the struggle and can’t handle any type of stress. Many of us (I know I was) where akward in highschool. It’s part of growing up, it doesn’t mean you’re in the wrong body.
I knew raising children was difficult but I never in my life thought this would be an issue I would have to deal with.
Hoping for a Miracle
I have a son not a daughter who is making me crazy. Please go see your doctor and get some anti-depressants. Maybe your husband too. I am convinced that we parents are suffering symptoms of PTSD. The stress is overwhelming. I have not functioned normally either for over a year since my son first told me of his new found identity. I am lucky that he hasn’t acted yet but I live with it everyday. When I started on Zoloft I found that I no longer broke down into crying jags every time I am alone. I have been trying to talk my son into getting therapy from a therapist who deals with issues such as anger, depression and anxiety. Not a gender therapists. I continue to email him articles that are anti trans activists and agenda. If you can find articles about women who have detransitioned either on twitter or youtube, send them to her via email and don’t stop. Personally I would tell her that I am not in support of her surgery and stop paying her rent. These kids use angry as a control tool against us. It’s often how my son shuts me down. There are a lot of trans-men who are detranistioning back to women youtube. You must remember that doing nothing is not a neutral act. We love our kids and truly want to support them and if you are like me you always have so it feels alien not to. I told my son up front that i would support helping him to anything but draw the line at supporting surgery and hormones. Hardest thing I every did since I do believe he suffers from dysphoia but I also believe he will be a suicide statistic if he goes thru with it. Sometimes we have two choices and they both suck 🙁
On twitter you should follow Nervous Wreck Mom, Sun Mum, Never Falling for it and there are many others. They all have daughters who have gone thru or are going thru this and may have advice for you. I will send prayers your way.
@Jane …
I’m so very sorry about your son – that breaks my heart for you 😢
I like what you said about we parents having to deal with PTSD … that sounds about right.
As I spoke with my therapist yesterday morning, I discovered that I’m going through grief over my 22 year old daughter who has decided she’s supposed to be a man. This whole transgender thing is an awful plight that is taking over with our children 💔
Yes I agree that we do need this support group. The last couple days I have been attempting to go through my daughter’s room and pull out all the evidence of coercion that happened to her in high school, gather it and report it to authorities. I am not really sure that it will actually do anything for anyone except for me to go on with my life and to count my blessings of which there are many. I am pondering forever in my heart
I am pondering forever in my heart why on Earth my daughter would home to engage in such hatred of herself when she was so loved by everyone. Our relationship is tattered but still there and that will never change I don’t care what she does how mean she gets.
You have much sad company in all of this, HopingforMiracle.
Yes, personalities change. Why do they hate themselves? It is not about finding oneself; it is about losing yourself.
We struggled with the insurance problem. It will be your call. Compare her student plan to your plan.
Anything you can do to help her not to continue to self-harm?
Best of luck to you and all of the struggling families.
I believe that this “Gender Ideology” is being pushed by Hollywood as well as radical Marxist professors, and it filters into the educational (k-12) system, and that the reason for doing this is simply to destroy Western society. It isn’t being pushed in China, Russia, Or any of the Islamic countries, and that is because China and the Islamic countries are on board with the push for globalism, and Russia has strongly rejected its influences to the point where that gender-bending bs wouldn’t fly there.
In order to create a global government which is the stated, documented, admitted goal of globalists, they have decided to use this radical leftist ideology to undermine what is without question the MOST FREE and MOST TOLERANT society in the world, in which anyone can pursue their dreams.
The European-derived democratic tradition from which our countries originate guarantees freedom and liberty, and allows for the sovereignty of your nation as a means for national self-determination. These concepts are obviously at odds with, and present a threat to, the totalitarian, “Green socialist” global order that is being implemented step by step.
To weaken a nation, attack the very core, the citizens FAMILIES! Making men believe that masculinity is evil and toxic, and convincing the youth to head down a road of mental illness, definitely acconplishes this goal.
I’m transgender and I believe if your NOT transgender yourself don’t try to influence other people’s lives and assume you know them better. They are who they are, don’t tell people their gender based on what is presented outwardly ie genitalia as that person may hate their body which is why they transition. In order to be themselves and not what others tell them to be. – Transgender 23 year old, wish I told people I was transgender earlier so I could fix myself. x
Does that mean you think cis gender therapists should lose their jobs? Should Mermaids be dismantled? It should go both ways.
What do you find healthy and natural about “hating your body”?
Internalized misogyny =/= being the opposite sex. You are still female and always will be, body mods and subterfuge or no.
How do you truly find a therapist that will help my daughter , 18, with her depression and self image issues, and the trauma she had with her friend dying, before even considering hormones or surgery? I am having a hard time finding a good therapist here in Colorado. Where do I even start! I think the therapist she is seeing is going to do irreversible damage. I am living hell right now with my beautiful daughter thinking she is a boy. Can’t keep her away from the tactivists.
Hi suffering mother, please consider joining our forum for parents in this situation. We support one another and share information such as names of therapists who are helpful rather than harmful. Unfortunately, our list of therapists remains short at this time. But please do join; there is at least one other parent on the forum whose in your state, and they may have helpful information for you regarding a therapist.
This link https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/forumdisplay.php?fid=24 takes you to the public page, but if you join the forum, once you are approved by admin (usually takes anywhere from an hour to a day), you will have access to the entire forum, including the therapist information.
Suffering Mom, I would say then disengage completely from therapists. It is fully within your right to have a therapist be on the same page. I know this because our second daughter’s therapist told me so as she was supporting her because of her sisters choice to become transgender. Its important to communicate unintended consequences. So, there are reasons why you cannot do therapy. One is money and insurance. Another is timing of the visits and the homework required. Research DBT skills online or a DBT therapist. They give skills on how to cope with adversity. There’s also a workbook my daughter was given about how to communicate with others. These kids do not understand the danger of this. It seems cool and fun and a great escape from reality. Also, find an activity that will keep her really busy. And if she still insists on therapy, then have her get a job so she pay for it herself. Getting a small job out in the community really helps reality. Keep her off the internet and put restrictions on it. Open DNR is what use. Also, monitor her cell phone use. Tell her that she needs to be strong minded and be confident in the body the she is in. And share resources. Ask her questions that you see on the forum here. And don’t the mistake I made by completely unraveling and losing your temper. I was so devastated by this that I found it hard to just be a mom and relax and listen to her. Ask all the who, what, why, when, where, how of her thought process. This will help you uncover the culprits. It’s a tough road but learning how to speak to her is great and just keep looking for a therapist and don’t be afraid to ask direct questions about this transgender idealogy and if they agree. There are plenty out there who do NOT. God bless you and take care. Also, ask your friends or a local church for a therapist. They tend to know and if they have anything regarding gender on their business card, this is a strong indication that they are activist oriented and will work behind your back.
Jane, I agree. You know my mother said that my brother told her that I should accept what my daughter is doing and so I said, great, where can I ship hormones to his daughter and see how he likes it? There’s no difference between our kids, except mine is gifted and sweet, with empathy for everyone around her yet lets this project onto her soul. Well, needless to say, that shut him up. I get so sick and tired of family members who don’t have the decency to attend a birthday party but they say crap like that. So I am with you there. It’s amazing how this idealogy brings out the worst in some and the best in others that you would not expect.
I am so sorry to hear that. This is exactly what this sick ideology does. It destroys families. It is so charged with emotion it is hard to function. You are learning so much but your brother and probably others in your family and friends don’t have a clue – only the rah rah stuff that is presented to them. You have no choice but to back away from all of them or to send stuff to them to try to educate but beware because people refuse to admit they are wrong. How awful for you.
Jane,
Thanks. Sorry I vented like that it’s just so frustrating because family is supposed to back you up and not talk about you and it’s been going on for years and years. There’s always been an unhealthy competition going on that I had no interest in and it’s just another screw or stab in the back that we just don’t need. When families like ours go through things like this it’s just important to respect how the parents feel and if they don’t agree well then likely they’re probably right. We know our kids better than anyone in the world and we love them and care for their best interest more than anybody in this world. We gave everything to our daughter and quite frankly she’s very spoiled and this is the one thing that we’re not going to give her. We can talk about anything else we can help her with other small things but as far as big money goes absolutely not. I believe she’s finally not looking at it as a personal rejection but just something we strongly disagree with. And we hope that she thinks long and hard about the unintended consequences that will follow her for the rest of her life.
I believe you are following the right path by holding your ground. Let now on deter you and just go to 4thwavenow to find support and others who have survived and not had their kids transition. Anything you find on those whoe have detransitioned or regret transition show to your daughter but don’t saturate her with it. In the end you will know you have done all you can do and hopefully she stops. Best wishes go with you.
Yes thank you so much. I truly believe that statistics are on our side here. She was raised in a loving family and loves us too and I think we all need to remember that. I remember how dumb I was in college and that gives me comfort for the first time ever!
I meant ‘let no one deter you’. 🙂
…and I’ve noticed when you talk to a friend about this, they become REAL uncomfortable. They tend to avoid future conversations. Punishment I guess, for being exactly the same way myself.
From now on I would tell friends up front that I am broken hearted and disagree with this decision so please just stand with me as my friend. I don’t tell anyone about this for that exact reason. 🙂 You are a loving parent. You owe no one anything.
Too overwhelmed to read it all. Had to stop and Reply just to put my imprint in the wet cement here. Did I write this blog? …she’s 20, but doesn’t drive, is VERY limited in skills [socially & emotionally], NOT dumb, but it only took a good binge on ‘Chasey Pooh’ and in a month was rocketing along on this new idea. We have fewer resources – but ALL I got on what I call the “first 100 hits” was “accept, adapt, understand” OR “YOU -the parent – NEEDS counseling” – she’d even learned online of the ‘suicide talk’ concept – since most of these ‘parents house trans kids online’ talk about it all the time. One of them [yes, I care – I installed software – I tracked her and found the videos she was watching] even talks about occasionally thinking about suicide just to avoid the hassle of parents, but that seems to ‘straighten them out’. So, I made the decision NOT to take the ONE “suicide note practice” seriously, and put it down to “solo bedroom immature drama” we’ve experience for so many years….. I’m rambling because I don’t sleep….she was my first daughter and I hate….truly hate…..because NOW the friends of an introvert are all these ‘gender benders’. I hack her every communication late at night and see even she, has NO idea what she is talking about and is completely unsure. I’m not willing to uproot the entire family and take away all my other children’s freedom to protect this one kid – my first baby – from this ‘dismal tide’ of influence – and I hate myself and hate THEM and……resent her. She is mean, and confused, and I want to help…but have no energy or respect for her…but cry when I imagine her alone, unable to drive, unable to hold a job, unable to function socially. This one blog post I found tells me how much like her I am – take a single post and turn it into a complete seminar with 12 step program – thank goodness I got old before the Internet crawled into our homes. That said – thank you. I’m going to start by getting some sleep. I’m going to try to have SHORT conversations again. I’m going to quite ‘looking’ at her with disapproval. I’m going to follow up better on my CRAZY ideas – because even though picking up trash on the highway in orange vest doesn’t seem like a way to escape the ‘trans terrorists’ – it would give us time together – some peace – and maybe that’s my only hope for her getting another message from the universe. All her texts still say “confused” – which in my mind means “undecided” – so maybe I can still save her from the world.
Many of us are living the same life as you in varying degrees. My only suggestion is that you tell her you love her but know she is being sucked into ideology. Tell her many people regret transitioning and you are going to keep sending her examples and articles no matter what.
Then do so. Go on twitter and find articles and comments from those who have regret. Don’t get in her face about it but continue to send things and links to articles. Also send her funny clips and animal tweets and anything that makes her say that she still loves her family. The transcult will try to make her believe you don’t have her best interest at heart but they do. She needs to stay confused on all that until she lands on your side. God bless you. I am praying for all of us.
Hi ccoletexas, I understand your state of mind completely. Please join other parents like yourself, with kids like your kid, at a forum for parents who are dealing with trans madness. It helps a great deal to connect with others going through the same thing. Follow this link https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/forumdisplay.php?fid=24 where you will see a few public posts. Gain access to the complete forum (not just the small public portion) by signing up with your email address — click on “register” at the top left of the page. You’ll have to wait for your registration to be activated by a moderator, but this usually only takes anywhere from a couple of hours to a day. Use an anonymous email if you like, but know your email will not be shared. Please join us for support. You are not crazy You are not alone.
This is a great resource. Thanks for sharing it.
Yes. Friends and family.
They are a big step away from the brokenness this causes a mother. My daughter had a mastectomy last month and i did not travel to be there. My sister in law said she could not imagine not being present for her daughter if it were her.
Really???ouch all the time by judging friends and fam. Don’t think they understand the depth of being completely and devastatingly overwhelmed and grieved and continuously hurt and shocked and powerless.
How can any of us make a big difference? Something has to change bc it’s destroying families…
Saint Magdalena My heart hurts for you! My child is 20 and I’m so worried I will soon be in the same place you are now. No one can really understand the grief we mothers are feeling when it comes to dealing with a child who radically alters their healthy bodies. There are really no words of comfort I can offer to you to ease your suffering. Even knowing we are not alone in this does not make us feel better. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with such a deep deep sorrow for all of these young people and their families. I wish I had more comforting words to give you other than you are not alone and I feel your pain💜
How do we define “support” for our young adult children? What one mother may call support. Another might call leading our child down a destructive path. No matter which path a mother chooses she feels somehow responsible. I have been bought to my knees questioning myself as a mother. Was I not strong enough, good enough, loving enough? How could we even begin to fathom this would be our daughters futures? It seemed to come out of nowhere and blindsided so many families. So few believe us and just think we are in denial. We have lost friends, family members and our own ability to trust ourselves as mothers. It is the most painful and helpless place to be in. You are right Saint Magdalena… something has got to change!! I feel powerless as well. Not one professional has helped. Not one !
So well said. This is an Orwellian situation – something out of the old “Twilight Zone’ that parents go through. I am convinced that it feels like the death of your child. To add to that all these idiot friends and family tell you to support it and be happy for your child It feels like you are trying desparately to keep them from jumping off a cliff and these people are physically trying to get in your way. Make no mistake about it, parents going through it suffer from PTSD. The medical profession that prviously spouted ‘holistic approaches that include family’ have turned into a dark force or cowards. Tell these people your story and if they still don’t support you then cut them out of your life. I have no answered either. Zoloft has helped and that is not a joke. I cried everytime I was alone and it has helped numb me and I needed that because we must carry on.
You shouldn’t question yourself for your child’s decisions. After all is your child not an independent thinker from you? Many of these children “blindsight” their parents because they have found a reason not to trust their parents with disclosing their trans identity. I know you want to reverse your child’s decisions because this is such a shock to you but perhaps this reaction is a reason why your child didn’t disclose their identity to you in the first place. I think the best you can do is support your kid emotionally, practice radical acceptance (DBT skill) even though this is something you do not agree with. It will only destroy you if you force something to change, and the relationship with your child will worsen and be forever damaged the more you attempt to convince them to change, even if they do choose to desist one day.
Questioning my child’s decisions is my job as a parent. Children have immature brains and are highly influenceable and impulsive. Exploring the issue with them is not forcing them. It is enabling them. Expanding their understanding. It is the loving thing to do.
The exponential rise in the number of children and teenagers presenting to gender clinics, the shameless stereotyping of girls and boys, the violent opposition of any contrary viewpoints, the obvious gay/lesbian conversion ideology of the trans rhetoric, the sterilisation of persons by the puberty blocker-cross hormone pathway, the blatant distortion of results of surveys (not to mention the methodological problems, and confounding variables, of the research in the first place), the huge push to “affirm” gender via surgery and cross-hormones at a young age, the assumption that all mental health issues are due to prejudice etc; all lets off a huge stink.
Null I’m not sure if your response was to me or someone else who commented. How do you know how I support my kid? I have and always will emotionally support my child. I tell them all the time there is nothing in this world that will make me stop loving them. My child is a young adult and I both respect and honor their autonomy. hOWEVER ….. I do expect someone who is able to make these medical decisions to be able to rationally and calmly discuss possible effects Hormones will have on their healthy body. Not so on my kids part. There are NO discussions about any aspect of this. I’m not trying to change my kids mind. I do ,as a parent, feel a very strong responsibility to discuss any treatments or major life decisions my kid is making. I am entitled to my opinion and I can disagree. Does that make me unsupportive?
Most of these teens and young adults define support as agreeing to everything. I can agree with their feelings and not agree that hormone treatment and surgery should be jumped into without careful consideration. Most trans people (not the activist type) also suggest this. To carefully and thoughtfully consider how this may impact both your mental and physical health. So why when I want to have these discussions with my kid is that problematic? Furthermore… you know nothing about my relationship with my child. My child felt comfortable enough coming out as gay a few years ago so why would they be afraid of my reaction to coming out as trans?? Unless you somehow magically know me then why are you judging? Believe me I wish my kid was thinking independently. It would make me somehow have a few less doubts. When my kids friend group all started coming out as trans that really raised some red flags for me. But hey no biggie cause they are legal and can do what they want to their bodies. Just don’t expect everyone to think it is a beautiful gender journey.
…and there lies the problem. There is the impossible argument. One person decided to say ” not to trust their parents with disclosing their trans identity” simply because they realized the debate needs to be about feelings, not reality. The trick is to keep us from questioning the validity of a fabricated term called “trans identity” – define it very early in the discussion – repeat it often [like the ‘movement’ has done], and go after the children – the introverted – especially those that even with respect have slowly been taught how to invalidate their parents understanding of the ‘real world’ – because we live in a world where a parent that doesn’t understand SLANG – also likely doesn’t know that gender is only defined in the mind. My daughter was having trouble, social anxiety, issued with her body, but it only took somebody ‘cooler than a parent’ of college age to say – “hey, maybe your got your identity wrong’ and the social web-sphere [I discovered after it was too late] is locked and loaded to provide exactly ONE side to that argument. The side that says “not to trust…parents…with disclosing…trans identity” – because it’s FACT – one that those parents of yours can’t understand. Talking points – one-sided fact science – YouTube stars introducing HIS/HER “cool” accepting mom in the video to show it’s possible… Don’t dare ask where the term “trans identity” came from or if it is even real…because if you are here…you are with family now. Man, it took me 40 years to realize that older guy…much cooler than my dad…on the CB radio would have 100% gave me a memory I’d never have forgotten if he station wagon hadn’t run out of gas 4 blocks from my house that early morning. Now…a communication medium 1000 more powerful than a stupid 2-way radio is telling young ladies and men…”if you don’t like what is ‘normal’ or ‘feel’ normal, than the ONLY answer is identity change, mutilation & transformation & drugs, or death.” It’s a crisis that Hollywood and Politicians completely confused about the unrelated and equally horrible concept of HATE CRIME or discrimination are forcing onto the public via legal process and social threat in many cases. A shocking thing I discovered was in a state/county [grant] funded counseling program, those involved [non-prescribers] are reluctant to talk about it – one counselor even came to my office and said straight up “It is my belief there is a real threat to my job/license/certification if I dissuade your child from this course. There is nothing in writing that should cause me to feel this way, but that is actually the consensus in my profession.” It is a dismal tide.
What is amazing to me is that if I’ve raised a child from birth. Know them as I do. Cared for them as I do. Protected them and held myself accountable for each decision. The moment I try to protect them from a stranger saying “THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU ONLY AN IDENTITY CHANGE OR MUTILATION OF YOUR FEMALE PARTS CAN CHANGE” – there is some nobody, some NULL – using the free speech we fought for to tell me – my very interference will make be responsible and/or accountable for only one unique outcome – Death. Can you imagine how deep we as a society we have allowed these fringe groups to push us down the rabbit hole to allow this. To accept this.
Very well said. It takes awhile to catch on but when you do it becomes totally obvious that this could be the biggest lie of our times. Only .03% of the population is supposedly trans’ so where are all these groups of trans friends coming from? The govt, schools and meda are all buying the BS and not only buying it but helping to call out those who disagree as transphobic. It’s a sin what they are putting parents though. LGB are sexual preferences but T is saying you are in the wrong body. It should have nothing to do with LGB but instead be more in the mental condition.
I don’t budge a bit. Trans is gender dsyphoria and needs treatment. People living in another body is BS.
Jane, you are sane and correct. The idea of a commune of sanity and peace is beginning to sound like a great idea. But does anyone have the “right” to live safely away from all of this?
Who gets to have the right to feel safe???
I do not feel safe to say what is authentic and true anymore bc it upsets some to hear it bc they disagree thus they are not safe. And their safety is paramount to all other’s feelings of safety.
And what is this safety??
Emotional, physical?
As a desister, one is very unsafe. Emotionally bludgeoned, shackled, and mocked.
And then children of all ages are safe to destroy their healthy bodies bc that is what they are supposed to do.
Come on, wake UP!!!!
Confusion and lies abound.
It is so painful to watch the gleeful promotion of wrong.
How can I join or support this site? My daughter is living with a trans boy. Everything I see here has tied a lot together for me. My own intuition as a father has ALWAYS served me well and this trans stuff is an insane ideologically driven virus carried in the fast food line of hell, the internet.
Hello, Cliff. Please subscribe to this blog as a way of “joining.” Additionally, there is a forum for parents who are dealing with trans madness, if you are interested in joining there. Follow this link https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/forumdisplay.php?fid=24 where you will see a few public posts. Gain access to the complete forum (not just the small public portion) by signing up with your email address — click on “register” at the top left of the page. You’ll have to wait for your registration to be activated by a moderator, but this usually takes anywhere from only a couple of hours to a day. Use an anonymous email if you like, but know your email will not be shared.
If you’d like to help out with financial support, consider donating to this organization: https://www.transgendertrend.com/ or purchasing the new book “Transgender Children and Young People” (currently at a discounted price): http://www.cambridgescholars.com/transgender-children-and-young-people Use the discount code transgender20 for even more savings. I am just a parent, not the owner of either blog, nor am I a contributing author of the book; these are my independent suggestions. I invite others to chime in with their own suggestions as well.
To all these wonderful fathers out there please do not give up on your daughters your intuitions are correct. My husband and I have been going through this For a couple years now. Our daughter has found a way to continue this without us and although she is still very young she is still very confused but surrounded herself with people who are supporting her. So get tough and do everything that you can and the internet is a huge battle and a huge step to protecting these girls. We use a system called Open DNS and it is a fabulous blocker for blogging. I’m actually blocked a lot and have to ask for permission so it is good for the whole entire family and we have younger children so we decided to put it on years ago. Reading app and openly sharing statistics is good and there’s a lot of information on transgender Trend and transgendercult. Com and I posted earlier about a book that I bought it’s really really good and has detransitioned women blogs. It is the most dangerous called of our time set up by the Liberals to make money off of us. There is also a really great documentary that was posted. I would suggest you and your daughters watch it together. In the meantime if you could please keep our daughter in your prayers she’s about to take a very scary step and hit it from us. There’s nothing we can do but pray for her and hope that she will come around and come home again. I’ve never seen any medical condition in my lifetime that excludes parents and harms girls without any data to support that this actually helps them rather than harms them. The harm is evident yet it continues. It is a great evil. Give them chores make them work Jobs get them out socially keep them busy put them in music find an interest put them in Taekwondo anything to keep them really busy and to get them outside of their little bubble in their room and the internet. Research colleges above and beyond what you would normally do. And have them commute if needed.
Hi Cliff. First of all thank you for seeing the insanity. Trans ideology is very political and seems to have great backing. It is backed by billionairres, the pharma industry who I am only assuming have politicians and certainly the medica as their handmaidens. From that flows the control over doctors and teachers (the educational system). Just speaking out or disagreeing with any of it can result in job loss and being shamed as you probably know. How to help? You have already heard from others but I suggest the best way to help is to get as educated as possible. I was totally ignorant on all of this when first hit with it by my son. It had a visceral effect on me. I joined twitter under a profile name that no one woud know it was me That was to protect both my son and myself and to keep my name away from trans-activists. My son does not know I have that account. If you set up an account first ‘follow’ @4thwavenow and for you I select @dad_gc (GenderCriticalDad). After that you wil find so may moms and dads and also professionals who are speaking out and sharing stories and givingh real information. There are also tran-activists who gas-light many into believing this same stuff you have observed. But there are also many men and women who have transitioned and regret it or have de-transitioned and now see the insanity. There are also many transsexuals who have been around for decades and speak out about this new movement as being sick and a social contagion. They know they have struggled with gender dsyphoria and have allowed themselves to go to the process but know that ,men cannot become women or vice-versa. If you do set up a twitter account we will try to find you. All the best. We are battling this in the shadows but we are growing. We hope you join us. If even the short time I have been ‘on board’ I have seen real progress. The majority of people see the insanity but are afraid or it hasn’t affected them yet. All the best
Now Im not trying to argue or fight, just ask a couple questions. Do you believe that some people really are transgender? How can you know for sure that a teen/young adult isn’t transgender?
Question 1: No.
Question 2: See answer to Question 1.
My response is a lot longer than yours but in the end we agree. There is gender dysphoria which is a condition that needs to be explored and treated. The medical profession has dealt with this by giving sufferers surgery & hormones. Studies show that more people commit suicide after surgery than before so in truth it doesn’t help.
Are there people walking around who have had all this done? Yes.
Do people call them transgender? Yes. That is the term – or transsexual.
But are they people born in the wrong body? No. They have gender dsyphoria which for some reason was de-classified but in many professional’s opinion should not have been.
Nicholas I would be happy to answer your question since you ask so sensitively, I would first suggest that if you really want to get a gender critical critique you follow @4thwavenow on twitter and then check out 4thwaves many followers. There is much discussion there.
First of all like many other parents here I was not involved or even interested in the transgender movement. For many decades there were a small number of transsexuals, mostly men who were just wanting to live their lives in private and did not claim to be women. It was considered a mental disorder. The cause is known as ‘Gender Dysphoria’ (GD)which is a discomfort with their own body or sense of gender. This discomfort resides in their minds. For men this comes in two types, HSTS (Homosexual Transexuals) and AGP (Autogynephile). HSTS are men who are very obviously gay from young age BUT this is not to say that all gay kids should transition-it only says a tiny percentage of gay boys have GD. AGP on the other hand is more predominate and starts about age 13 or so and it starts with cross-dressing. AGP is a love of yourself as a woman. Transsexuals (I know this seems disrespectful but many men who consider themselves transsexuals want nothing to do with the trans movement and especially the transitioning of children). There is now a trans-movement that is pushing nonsense.
Gender Dysphoria is a very serious and real condition. The fact that trans-lobbyists have managed to get it de-classified has created a complete mess and they knew what they wanted to do but when W-PATH agreed to de-classify it they had no idea where it was going. It was a simple act to de-classify. Since then the trans lobby have gone crazy. There is big money behind this movement. They have managed to shut down all opposition. Surely you can see that. But at 4thwavenow (and on it’s blog) you will find many professionals who are challenging this ideology even at the risk of their jobs.
You will also find those who regret transitioning and are broken wondering why no one tried to stop them. They realize that transitioning did not solve their problems which includes autism spectrum, depression, anxiety, disassociation disorders and many more. The first place anyone who has GD should go to is a gender critical psychologist who will not affirm immediately but trying to find one is very difficult.
So I believe there are people who suffer from the condition of Gender Dysphoria. They are not the opposite sex. We do not agree with those who suffer from anorexia and tell them yes they are fat. We do not agree with those who suffer from schizophrenia and tell them the hallucinations and voices are real. So why would we tell people with gender dysphoria that they are the opposite sex and cut off their healthy genitals and breasts and give them life long hormones? Even more importantly why aren’t we allowed to discuss this without being attacked and called transphobic?
The biggest question is why aren’t these advocate of the trans movement not pushing for more money to go into research to find better treatments for Gender Dysphoria? Let that sink in.
My own son was affirmed within the first hour of meeting at a clinic-given and okayed for surgery and hormones. Very cult like don’t you think. Even he knew that was nuts.
I have spoken only about men but young women are transitioning at record speed and for different reasons but I do not believe them to be legitimate. I believe it is being considered Sudden Onset Dysphoria. But the transitioning of children is just evil. Studies show almost all kids with GD will come out of it if just left alone so the trans-activist’s solution is to start the transition process before they do that. They are going after kids with autism in big numbers because those kids do have a disconnect naturally with their surroundings. We now see the movement trying to legislate that parents can’t even step in. It is all quite sick and people who believe this neet to step up and speak out. I do whenever possible despite my fear.
I hope this answered your question and I only speak for me.
Please take theh time to read this article. It is very eye opening. Just copy and paste into your browser. All the best.
https://youthtranscriticalprofessionals.org/2016/04/04/a-psychoanalytic-perspective/
I actually have gender dysphoria. Im 17 and I was born female but since I was little Ive thought I was a boy. I go by the name Nicholas because my girlfriend and I like it. Now again Id like to be very clear that im not here to fight. I like to see how other people think compared to how I think. Other peoples perspectives interest me. Thats all. Im curious as to how you would handle someone in my situation so ill tell you a bit more about me. When I was barely in middle school I first really started to feel more masculine. I mean to be honest I had some times when i felt like that before then but in middle school it was a non-stop feeling. Eventually I went to a therapist who didnt believe in being transgender either. She didnt help. During my freshman year of highschool I started binding my chest and I cut my hair. My girlfriend (best friend at the time) and I thought of the name Nicholas and started calling me that. When I was a sophomore I went back to therapy and it had the same result. Now this year Im a junior and not much has changed. All of my friends call me Nick/Nicholas. I still bind my chest. I still have a masculine hair cut. I wear mens clothing. Ive been planning on getting top surgery for a while now. To be honest Ive never felt better about myself. Since Ive accepted this Ive been more successful and happy and confident. How would you handle someone like me?
I am certainly no expert but from what you have written I would say that the 2 therapist who don’t think you are transgender are right. There is probably a good possibility that you are a lesbian. If that upsets you then that might be why you would prefer to be trans. I would sugges that follow @4thwavenow as I have mentioned. You will find the moms of many girls who transitioned but their moms don’t agree. They have a lot to say about the many issues. Some names that come to mind are @nervousewreckmom and @mumstears, SunMum and GenderCriticalDad. You owe it to yourself.. I would read absolutely every gender critical article I could find if I were you. I would wait until I was at least 20 years old. No offense but at 17 no one should be making those kinds of decisions. Lastly don’t bind yourself. That’s just batshit crazy. You are not a man. You are a woman. Celebrate who you are without all the hormones and cutting. You limit yourself by following the transcutl.
As is pointed out in another post, the second question begs the first.
For my part, and not for this site’s part, my answer to the first question is as follows: it seems to me, from all the extensive reading and research and transgender people I’ve known (and understand that I was very firmly on the “other side” of this issue for years) that at the very least – the science behind the idea of transgenderism is shaky. Other than a minuscule fraction of people, whose existence is irrelevant to this discussion, humans are born either female or male, and that characteristic is immutable (although, of course, one’s external appearance is not). A person’s brain may tell that person that his or her sex, or gender, or spirit, or whatever you want to call it, is discordant with his or her body, but just because your brain tells you something does not mean that “something” is objectively true.
My life experience tells me that my brain, and other’s people’s brains, can be wrong sometimes. We can believe things with all our hearts and minds, but believing them, and even acting on them, doesn’t make them true. So my guess about transgenderism is, it is almost certainly more a case of someone having a “wrong brain,” than of having a “wrong body.” Given that is likely true, it makes considerably more sense, and is ultimately much kinder, to fix the brain rather than attempting to fix the body.
In any event, this applies with even greater force to children and young people, whose brains are not yet fully developed, and who may be more susceptible to outside influence than those of mature adults. (For one piece of evidence on this score, think about the age at which the vast majority of people start smoking. Virtually nobody starts smoking – another decision with lifetime, irreversible health consequences – after age 20 or so. Again, this is because people in this age cohort lack the ability to have foresight or to fully appreciate the outcome of their actions.) It would seem to me that, when dealing with minors, the medical profession and the trans-activists have a special obligation to be extremely cautious and conservative. The fact that this is manifestly NOT happening is cause for alarm.
Hi Nicholas
The problem comes in when people let society dictate to them how to be male or female. Don’t allow yourself to be dictated to. Don’t do unhealthy things to your body to please society’s stereotypes.
Leaning In – wish me luck. Spent the last half of the year worrying about her – and found via monitoring – everything I’m doing is being thwarted by “strangers who have a lot more empathy, understanding, and acceptance” of my daughters “true self” than I ever can.
Hope some other parents understand what I just said.
Told her I love her today. [Realized also today, that I really mean it.] Added that she’s about to start losing privileges. Told her first of year, phone is gone….no more text, Internet, Insta-hate, or Twatter in the hand. She’s on it every night until she passed out more and more since counseling, talking, and intervention. I can’t afford 24 hour support for HER, but the Internet can afford 24 hour support for HIM – if you know what I mean. In addition, there is a new young man – who has found her in the last 2 weeks – he is many states away and seems impressed she knows nothing about her body at 20 and is ‘very carefully’ helping her to see him as somebody to teach her…according to over 9 days of texts I read yesterday.
It’s a tough job forcing yourself to learn how to install the right software and making sure your kid has a good laptop to capture every keystroke. It’s also tiring sneaking in at 3am, to sit on the couch and read every text…document names and numbers…knowing you’ll never get to sleep…
…but parents, no matter WHAT anybody tells you…don’t give your kid an ounce of privacy or respect their secrets. Do you need to sleep on every single thing, analyze it, sleep on it again, remember when you were young, sleep on it again? Yes. ….but don’t be lazy. Be clever and deceptive.
My daughter had been doing a fantastic job of reacting in the proper way..and it was working…and my own guilt and “fear of karma” [bull hockey] was causing me to be ‘respectful and not pry’ – for awhile – then luckily over Christmas I noticed something that caused me to be the ‘bad parent’ again and snoop – and sure enough she was being coached by another mentally ill person AND was on a path to possibly making a big mistake with a horny teenage boy in another state…. Once her number is changed, I’ll going to be that parent of old and gonna find that boy and his parents and act like my mom and other moms did…when they realized what the man on the CB radio was doing…they let him know he was attracting attention and he suddenly was no longer talking so much.
Sorry I’m rambling.
Trying to keep my spirits and energy up for the battle ahead of 2018. As a parent, with so many concerns [and other children] it’s so hard to stay positive about this fight for the mind and life of a daughter. There is no bad guy I can get my hands on… It drains me.
Good for you. Cut off the flow of BS as much as possible. My suggestion is to treat her well on every other front so she can’t claim victimhood. Every time she tries to you can tell her all the other wonderful things she has been getting. I saw a great video yesterday. I think it is the type of video that shows professionalism regarding this issue and I think it is the type that can be shown to young people. Mostly about MtF but talks about feelings of trans to be in the mind not the body.
Good luck.
Thanks Jane. Happy New Year.
Arent you afraid this could effect her badly in the future though? I mean from my perspective and personal experience that can cause serious problems for a kid. My parents were like that and I learned to get pretty sneaky and good at hiding things which got me in some trouble. I have issues with trust and Im quite paranoid. It also destroyed my relationship with my parents completely. I never got over that feeling of betrayal and distrust. It was pretty degrading to know that no matter what I did I would never be trustworthy to them.
Also, it isn’t your fault regarding your short attention span. It is a side effect of these horrible smart phones and their debilitating applications. THAT SAID – please read the longer – MORE THAN ONE PARAGRAPH – posts about three times. I know it sounds weird, but read them once all the way through. Then again. Sleep on it. The next day read that post all the way through a third time. You’ll be surprised. Seriously, try it. [Also, helps with college courses.] 🙂
It’s really the son of a T.V. personality. I mean. Um. I left the phone in her hands because I was learning so much and I knew she couldn’t make plans without me knowing – this “little liar” she is talking to. Turns out, he’s not lying. Why me? I’ve got a kid already un-tethered from reality – now she’s talking to someone who’s life is also…unreal. The kid must be talking to 100’s of others. It can’t just be my daughter right? This is about to be the weirdest parent to parent phone call I’ve ever/never made. Sheesh! Is this all my fault for being pressured into smart phones? Geez, I didn’t cave till she was 19 and started going to college – and most of my acquaintances put them in pre-teen hands! First I have the trans-cult to deal with, and now ‘un-reality show hollywood’ish’ influence? Nobody said life was fair, but crap….
@ Nicholas. You do have a point here, however, isn’t the daughter showing she cannot be trusted by being disobedient and hiding things that can potentially harm her and will. Each parent has to follow her gut and if I had followed mine and not pried more, my daughter might still be with me today. They got her. They meaning the transactivists. She’s gone. So yes, do EVERYTHING you can. This is not a normal teenage stage of hiding alcohol or sleeping around behind our backs, it’s letting the online predators in and these days, it’s a huge challenge to keep them out. Trust is important but it seems to me that the daughter has already broken this trust and is being influenced as a TEEN by those that would harm her for life. They care more for their ideology than the health of the teen. They do not love the teen, they do not know the teen. It really seems to be a quest against parents. And guess what, they won in my case. And I get to live with it. She ran away and we did not have a clue what was going on. To me the slammed doors, the different hair, all of these were classic teenage things that I did not take seriously. Shit, when she said she was agender and asexual, I had no clue what that even meant. It’s certainly not the kind of talk she got from home. It all came from online BS. So, give her parents a break. It’s parents responsibility to protect their children which is damned if you do and damned if you don’t. My parents didn’t have to worry about me as much because there was no internet. No cell phones, a much simpler world. So, you betrayed your parents trust by acting like an ass most likely. Trust is difficult but not impossible to rebuild. You can start by doing your part and apologizing and have the same life in person as you do online. Parents are not the haters here, they are the lovers who don’t stop loving or worrying about what society does to their kids once they become teens. Once they are adults, do stop blaming your parents for your isolation and self destructive actions. Please. It really is heartbreaking for us to watch this shit show and be called the haters in the end because we don’t happen to like carnage on our own kids being done in the name of “acceptance”. You got in trouble for hiding things from your parents – that’s your doing not theirs.
You say shes gone as if shes dead. If she is than Im sorry but if not, if she just changed then dont say it like shes dead. Any right minded parent would want to pretend their kid is dead if they are not. Oh and I never lost my parents trust by doing bad things. I did everything they wanted but they just never trusted me. I started doing bad things after they started spying on me. Also how is a kid going to learn things if you protect them and shelter them from everything. Teens wont believe you until they experience things. If they dont have normal teen experiences they will try to do those things as an adult when you cant monitor them and that can be potentially more dangerous. I know you think you are helping your kid but you have to make very sure your not also hurting them. How would you have reacted in her place? You think you’d have been grateful for your parents spying on you but as a teen you really would have hated it. you would have felt the urge to rebel. Its a natural teen thought process. Keep in mind im not trying to fight just state my point of view in hope that it will help parents better understand their kids and their perspective
I will not give any details to strangers about my kid because for all I know, you are not a real kid. However the statement “Teens wont believe you until they experience things” statement really says it all. I am sorry if my terror troubles you but then again, you are not a parent and like other kids in this world have been desensitized. The word permanent doesn’t mean much to an indestructible teen such as yourself. Just because there was no internet growing up doesn’t mean there were no rules, rules like a curfew that were set to protect me. At the time, I thought they were dumb but I understood because I had common sense and trusted my parents love for me. You seem to mean well, but likely on middle school break, yet in the wrong place, unless you are thinking of transitioning medically, I would find a game to play as for these parents, this is not a game. This is life or death. If you are looking into it, then definitely read through the statistics and learn and be a witness to the pain that these parents are experiencing at the hands of so called professionals that at one point could be trusted. We trusted, we lost. How does monitoring a teenager – a child by law harm a child. Explain that. Such a curious immature statement. Protecting is not harming and if these parents were in my position, which I come on here once in a while to weigh in and to check see if this gender crap might be outlawed soon. And then see a poor parent looking for support from adults (not teens, thank you) so I comment. I say yes, yes, monitor, monitor because I don’t want them going through the hell that I am in – just a few years ahead of them. I strongly encourage it for sure. This “stage” is extremely dangerous to the long term mental and physical health to teens who are not comfortable in their own skins. I am not sure if you understand what this forum’s purpose is. Predators stalking the internet trying to convince young teens and adults that they need to alter themselves is socially unacceptable, unethical, immoral and inhumane and I am hoping one day, ILLEGAL. In this era, the internet has become the biggest, quietest, sneakiest threat to children. This cult culture of trangenderism – previously transexualism to permanently changing a teen’s body – only to have that person grow up and regret it – this is the reality that parents are forced into facing. Introverts, socially awkward, shy, bullied, depressed, social anxiety experience, fear of being gay, internet addicted, isolated (I am sure I missed some) go on the internet to belong somewhere because real life is tough and kids are mean. They are trying to figure out who they are. Google cases. Teens are not in charge, adults are. My parents monitored me and I still got in trouble. My trouble was nothing compared to this. They were bad decisions but I don’t blame them for any of the choices I made. My parents did not applaud me. They did their best just like I did my best but I have failed and have accepted that I can’t win here. I am angry. I am resentful but I am here with the safety net regardless, waiting, praying, hoping that my sleeping beauty wakes up before it’s too late. I raised a beautiful girl who was lovely but being nice, smart, moral, talented and beautiful is a threat to society. Society must change nice girls because they don’t fit the Hollywood profile. They must be erased. Protection is not invasive, it’s a responsibility. So by your theory, if my teen wanted to jump off a building without a parachute to experience it, you think that’s cool? My goodness. I think I will take the advice of the adult professionals on here with life experiences like me and credentials. I might not be able to change my kids’ decisions but I certainly am happy that I live in a free country that isn’t forcing me to applaud the bad ones that I know in my heart will not end well.
Marie,
You verbalize my passionate thoughts on all of this so very well.
Wisdom is not understood in its true meaning. The word or the concept.
Wisdom is another word or state of existence anyone can claim by any means…
Ex: “I am an expert=I am wise.” “I watch Utube videos; I have these degrees; I have legal rights=I am wise.” “I have had surgeries and taken hormones so that I appear to be a man but my irreplaceable DNA makes me truly a female=I am wise.”
What is a fool? Well…today fools are called wise and the wise are called fools.
BUT…only the heartbroken wise see it all. Heartbreak =wisdom.
Why do you feel the need to directly attempt to insult me? Im trying to share my perspective on the matter and learn about yours. Im not trying to fight which is why I haven’t insulted you. Also even though Im only 17 I do have experience with children. For the most part I raised my sister since my parents were rarely home. Ive kept her safe while still giving her space. I havent needed to spy on her or check her phone all the time because i pay enough attention to her in person. I can tell when something is going on without invading her privacy, because i pay attention to her personality and normal behaviors. She doesnt meet up with people she met online because I dont just let her wander off places and she always tells me who shes with and where shes going. We are close and she has always been honest with me because Ive never given her a reason to lie to me. Now shes on the A honour role and is overall just a good kid. So unlike what you think I do know what Im talking about.
Thank you for this I am also living the nightmare only my daughter decided to spring it on me in her freshman year of college. I have no idea where she is getting her information. She has always had a lot of time on the computer because a lot of her school work was on the computer and she was a good student so we didn’t question it. Big mistake. She has made “friends” with people that we have no idea who they are and are powerless to find out since she is over 18. In her younger years she was always a girly girl and after she went through bullying in middle school that all changed. She has never gotten over that and used to cut and everything. I have had her in counseling for YEARS and never has anything like this come up during sessions. She is talking to people on the internet who have convinced her to cut all her hair off and try on being a guy! I am devastated and cannot deal and don’t know what to do. I truly believe that as her mother I would have had some kind of sign way before this so it is a complete shock. I worry when she’s here I worry when she’s away I worry that some day she’s just going to get completely roped into all of this and ruin her life. I already told her I am not going to let her do any kind of hormone therapy or anything like that. If she wants to do that she will have to get a job and do it with her own money.
Nicholas, I think we are way off subject here and I am sorry if I have insulted you. It sounds like your sister is a lot like my other kids and so are you. I actually don’t monitor any of them as closely as I did my oldest kid. You have to understand that kids do come on here just to torment parents whose children are transitioning socially in school without parent knowledge (my case), within the realm of a therapist being seen for something unrelated (depression in my case), or medically (surgeries and HRT behind our backs in college (in my case) without a diagnosis other than they want to “explore themselves”. And are given HRT after an hour visit and only agreeing with the child (in my case). Now, I am all for exploring identities as I did this quite a bit. In my day, this meant dressing like a punk rocker, wearing a ton of makeup, dressing like Pat Benatar, being really scary on Halloween, etc. These are temporary identities that can be taken off. After you medically transition, the changes are permanent. You CANNOT put your private parts back on and the long term side affects are permanent – such as beards and a permanent voice change in young women – which I don’t think you would like to see your little sister do because of taking testosterone – which is given through injections (thrombosis risk). I can assure you, since you seem to be the most stable part of your little sisters life, I would say that if you are transitioning or even considering it, this will likely end your relationship with her as adults as she will view this as a very personal betrayal – not just a little “change”. Your presence in her life as an older brother is a role model is very important to her right now. This will mentally crush her as it has done with my kids whose sibling began medically transitioning at 18 in college and came home looking and sounding like a completely different person. At 18, you are considered an adult who can give consent to it without your parent’s knowledge or approval, long term permanent consequences that most teenagers really don’t understand. I appreciate your trying to understand but again, this is a forum for adults who have children who are medically transitioned and either left home (as the cult that it is encourages) or are entering the transition rooms on line where they are getting coached by trans activists. These are very manipulative individuals. These are very dangerous people. Now, do transsexual people exist? Absolutely – yet most of them just a couple years ago could not medically transition without at least a 2 year assessment which has pretty much disappeared. Many of them do not medically transition. This is not the case with these teenage girls or adolescent (18-21) females of today. They are being pushed by peers and mostly online chat rooms that are befriending children who are on there due to loneliness, social and anxiety, awkwardness, depression- autistic or isolated for some reason or worse yet a severe trauma or abuse which was never fully healed or dealt with. For many, they were being seen by a therapist for these problems and next perhaps ask a therapist about “feeling like they are in the wrong body”. This is where the gray area starts as therapists when you are 16, really don’t have to tell the parents what’s going on. They could be seeing an affirming therapist that will refer them to another one to begin the process of transition as young as 18. Is this ok? Would you want your sister to do this to you? Do you believe that your life experience with her matters more than what a therapist thinks after a half hour? Check out the history of lobotomy. At one point, this was considered a great way to control a rowdy teenager in the 50’s and 60’s. There is a Kennedy girl – search her who received one. She ended up being a vegetable the rest of her life. Still, the medical community allowed this procedure to go on for quite a while before anything was done to stop it. It resulted in many, many victims – and they could not get their brains back. In some cases, there have been deaths and major life threatening complications that I would not let my own daughter see online. But online, it’s all out there for anyone to see. So as a caring adult, thank you for being mature enough to take care of your sister in your parent’s absence and get some in person help – a relative, teacher, a neighbor that you can talk to and count on and above all talk to your parents and ask for a family meeting. If what you are saying is true, shame on them – but you all need some serious help here. Get a pastor or someone to help you all out. You are still a child yourself in the eyes of the law – or an adolescent I should say. I will pray that the relationship with your parents changes and wish you luck. In the meantime, I urge you to get some help.
Truthfully I would love my sister no matter what. Trans or not shes still my sibling. She would still be the kid I raised and taught and love. I would inform her of the facts and side effects, tell her about how serious surgery is and that its not something to get impulsively. Id explain the risks and how the way she would be treated could change. No matter what she chose though Id still be there for her like I always have been. I dont see why that would have to change. She has the same opinion about me. She knows Im trans and she doesn’t mind. It hasn’t changed her opinion of me at all. Male or female Im still the same person. My personality hasn’t changed, the only difference is my appearance. I changed how I look a bit to look how I want much like a girl putting on makeup to make herself look how she wants to. I havent had surgery yet and if I ever do Id only have top surgery anyways which is actually something even a lot of women do
@Nicholas – Sorry to hear you are making these decisions at 17. Very sorry to hear your younger sibling is seeing it. I’d encourage you to turn off the information flow that is telling you being female is wrong for you, or is a choice.
Just so you know, I will always “be there to love and support” my daughter. One day you’ll understand what that means. Does it mean accepting her decisions under my roof with no question? No way. Does it mean watching her be harmed by others with no action? No way. Does it mean allowing her to hate her existence, her body, and changing those with chemicals & surgery without question? No way. Does it mean waiting patiently for the ‘suicide threat’ and then caving to her every desire and ‘paper therapist’ guidance? Heck no. It does mean being courageous enough to protect her to the best of my ability, knowledge, and common sense and hope and pray she decides [and I make the right decisions] to break away from a ‘movement’ [not a career or a life], leave her bedroom, and enjoy all life has to offer.
There was a time, I was an angry 13 year old. Let’s just say, my parents had learned I would lie to avoid confrontation [much like my daughter] and made poor decisions regarding social contacts [much like ALL people risk on the Internet] and was a bit gullible. My father had no idea as he left the household, that providing that CB radio and base antennae [a great introduction to a cool hobby in his mind] contained the danger it did. Geez, I think about this so often now when I realize ALL you kids have the ‘world’ in your hand – and the “BAD” of the world always has the most time to talk. LOL. Too long a story, the “CB Radio” story, but lets just say my mom was going downhill, and had given up ‘snooping’, and if it wasn’t for a stranger’s station wagon breaking down 2 miles from my house, unplanned introduction to other strangers getting me back home, a neighbor seeing me sneak back in, and subsequent intervention from other parents…well, this naive 13 year old most likely would be a very damaged 50 year old right now.
…now the Internet is here. You’re not having your eyes opened by the world out there: You’re being exposed to all the lies of the world at an alarming/uncontrolled rate. It’s not complicated anymore. It’s not a voice on a CB, then on a teenage phone – it’s an anonymous person, protected by DNS, shored up by the impression of validity due to the ‘research’ aspect of the Internet, and layered with ‘non-facts’ of unverified sources.
It’s a dismal tide. I will protect her from them the best I can as a parent. I’ll protect the younger ones from her, best I can as a parent. I’ll use whatever means is necessary. As a parent I must decide what exactly is ‘dangerous’ or ‘harmful’. You’ve never had that ‘responsibility’, because you are not judged [or legally responsible] in any way. A sibling is just that. You can pretend you are ‘raising’ a younger sibling like a child, but you’ll never understand until you bring one into the world – the old fashion way.
To “Stevie”: We received your comment. First, we don’t post comments from people whose sole purpose is to attack other commenters. Second, we encourage you to make every effort to talk in person with your family members. This would likely be more fruitful than attacking parents on an Internet forum where people are trying to help others as well as find support for themselves.
Linda, it seems like our kids could have been best friends. The college scene is pushing hard on this and if she’s in a public college, I would look into what’s going on there. Mine began in the chat rooms and got affirmed by a therapist and went straight to the LGBT group for help on how to transition. I don’t want to scare you, but by her second year, she was financially independent and living in a trans group in a house. They stick together and find ways to make it without the parents. So, try and stay calm – OPEN DNS is a great start regarding the computer part – or another blocking device. I would definitely keep tracking her phone. Keep your cool and stay close to her. Show her the end in 5 years. Transgender Trend is a great website. I am currently reading Transgender Children and Young People – Born in Your Own Body. It’s a good read. She might already have an in person group that’s she’s not telling you about. This is prevalent in the public colleges. I would even consider having her commute and live at home so you can better monitor what’s going on. Ours used college insurance to get a gender therapist behind our backs and got the testosterone that way. Other college insurance provides this service too. Keep talking to her and showing her the truth. Another great read is here:http://www.greenwomanstore.com/blood-and-visions.html This is about women who have already medically transitioned and regret it. Read it first. Good luck!
I too have learned the hard way how shockingly easy and fast one can get testosterone. Mine went from wondering about “gender fluid” as a high school senior, to full-on transman after a single phone call with a college-based psychologist who is also a gender therapist on-the-side, all affirmed once she got to her university where she has had a blast feeling unconfined by her idea of how she would have to behave as a young woman. My daughter has followed whatever online instruction manual there is, and was able to get to an informed consent gender clinic easily and received a prescription for T in a single visit. I think she must have actually started T on her own thru some online source too because her behavior changed so radically right after she turned 18. She was in “boy puberty”. This has been a nighmare for our family that could have been easily avoided simply by requiring the professional process that used to be followed not long ago. This Wild Wild West anything goes affirmative-care/informed consent clinic is very scary because I really absolutely believe she will regret it all with some maturity and the understanding that she has built this new identitity on top of real MH issues. I was totally caught by surprise by all of this. Had I known what was going on I never would have taken her to college in 2015, I would have insisted on some other plan right after high school to keep her close to home for a while. Too late now. The informed consent clinic she went to only opened in 2013, and it is where her university now directs “trans” students. Shocking.
It is “shocking.” So shocking it is destroying not only the minds and bodies of our children, but damaging us. It’s a sick, sick, sad lie unprecedented in its evil and viral force.
Minds have been so warped that there is no ability to reach them through reason and truth. That Bridge has collapsed. It’s gonna take brave and strong people
to expose the utter criminal rot which has been allowed LEGALLY to do all of this butchering.
How in the hell did legal
Butchering of healthy
Bodies become an accepted medical protocol???
By having all their ducks in a row to do it. These ducks here, these there, these over here…Ready, set, GO! And there you have it: no resistance to implementation bc they planned and placed their ducks in schools, clinics, universities, legal communities, publications, internet, etc.
And now, legal carnage continues gaining ground.
You tell me what you think will end it? They’re laughing.
Thanks for your support Saint Magdalena. Maybe this nightmare will end this year.
Yes it truly is mind boggling, this one. I’ve seen a lot of evil in the world in my time, but this one takes the cake. I was just saying to my husband this morning that the world is rigged for fear. Fear makes people freeze and thereby become more controllable. They seem to have no bottom to reach when it comes to messing people up, and the younger you can mess someone up, the better your chances they’ll never get their footing and learn to stand up for themselves. It’s really up to people like us to, at the very least, just keep asking the questions, exposing the lies, and telling the truth,
@Nervouswreck – I feel your pain. It seems like our kids would have been best besties if they knew each other. I am just glad the year is over. The worst happened so I figure it can only go up from here. I am hoping mine wakes up too and grows up. Please send me a message on TCD blog so we can talk more openly!
If you’re referring to the Gender Critical Resources forum, I’ve sent a message to Marie there…hoping that is you.
Yes that is me, thanks!
Nicholas. I agree with you that nothing my child does regarding transition will stop me from wanting to have a relationship with them. Nothing and I mean nothing can ever make me stop loving my kid. That won’t ever change. I also completely agree that loved ones should help people with gender dysphoria get the most information as possible so they can make the best decisions as possible. This is where my problems began with my kid. No discussion or questioning was allowed. I just had to accept everything. My kid suffers from anxiety and depression. I believe it would have been beneficial to adress those things first and to be in a mentally more stable place before starting hormones. I try to be neutral but loving. Unfortunately my kid and the therapist don’t see it that way. They see me as being unsupportive. I have told the therapist that I have no reason to lie because my kid is a legal adult and I have no control over access to medical transitioning. So how would I benefit by lying?? There are too many cheerleaders for altering ones body and not enough clear minded neutral voices. This is true for doctors and mental health professionals. They want a simple easy narrative so they can neatly label and put people in their boxes. They believe they are doing the right thing. Unfortunately people rarely fit neatly into boxes . I imagine detransitioning will probably at some point start to outnumber those with long term satisfaction who transition. That will be a problem for everyone. The narrative is too simplistic. But guess what? The therapists get to walk away from this and say … it’s just part of ones gender journey. The people who wind up unhappy with their decisions because they were rubber stamped by professionals are the ones who have to live with it forever. They really don’t get much support from the trans community or the professionals. I really do hope you remain happy and yes… everyone deserves love and support.
@Awakened – Sorry for what you are going through. Amazing how terms like “unsupportive” and “lacking understanding” and “anti-trans” are getting thrown at parents by ‘educated’ people. It is really like the ‘upside down world’ it seems. I can remember the first time my daughter looked me in the eyes and said “you don’t understand” as her face turned red and eyes watered – then I watched as she nervously rattled off the “lies” from a YouTube video and ‘Vine?/blog’ she’d read over and over until she had all the details memorized – basically she’d become a transgender expert from two sources on the Internet.
Also, let me be the bad parent here and say I don’t believe “everyone deserves love and support”. Don’t get me wrong, I understand what YOU mean – but I also know it’s very subjective and in the case of Nicholas [who has been taught how to speak] and the rest of the Trans movement doing the teaching – this type of talk in THEIR context is a trick. See, what is “love and support”? The trans movement is teaching our young kids they need to question their gender – address ANY confusion with addition questions about gender – address any insecurities, anxiety, depression with even MORE questions about gender…
…and most importantly, REACT to parents, friends, and/or society push back as a lack of “love” [hate, fear, anti-you], “understanding”, “support”, and label them as bigots, haters, or cowards.
Frequently, I’ve seen pro-trans forums diminishing parents by saying they need to show “love and support” and verbally describing how ‘they’ do that by ‘understanding’ and ‘supporting’ this lie. It’s a dismal tide.
I actually completely understand what you are saying. I do believe mental health issues should be addressed first before anything else. I also believe that a parent should be allowed to ask questions without being seen as unsupportive. In fact I encourage parents to ask question. Learn the childs perspective, feelings, and reasoning. Make sure they are sure and know all the facts. I also dont think parents should jump to give in and give their kids everything when it comes to this. Dont rush into things and immediately start hormones and surgery. If they want to try a diffrent hair style or outfit type thats fine. If they change their minds thats kind of stuff isnt permanent. What I have a problem with is when parents shame or even disown their kids. Ill admit that children, teens especially, go through phases, but shaming, humiliating or rejecting them during those times is wrong. Instead inform them about what they are going through. Thats what support is.
@Nicholas. Glad you agree. How did you address your issues first, before calling yourself Nicholas? You’ve admitted to having major issues with your parents, with trust, paranoia, abandonment. Who addressed your issues and informed you of what you were going through? Tell us your story, so we can be confident at 17 years old, that you truly have all the facts and have considered all the facts. Your detailed example could possibly help other parents on this blog to understand our own situation.
Nicholas, you say “mental health issues should be addressed first before anything else”….I wish more young people who see themselves as transgender could accept this. The reality of MH issues is that the person who has a MH issue is very often the last one to see it. This is the danger of the affirmative-care and informed consent model. For instance, depression can show up differently in adolecents and it can take a good therapist having enough information from the young person AND their family members to be able to diagnose it. These days therapists are told to affirm a gender identity, not ask too many questions. Yet a tenet of depression is self-disgust and an overwhelming desire to reinvent oneself. Being celebrated as a brave transperson becomes a form of antidepressant.
The psychology system is broken. Self-acceptance is under-rated. Be kind to yourself and your body and your family.
So true. I know from experience any time I found something new and exciting that seemed to be the answer (or at least AN answer), it became an anti-depressant for me, and felt like it was all going to be okay again. This was especially true if others around me (cult) were excited about the same thing and seemed to have answers I didn’t. Yes, I was in a cult once, so I’m not immune. Just wiser now for it.
And I have to wonder, if the medical establishment and insurance is paying for transgender drugs and surgery because they say it’s “necessary”, will they pay for these same people to DE-trans?
In my experience I went to an my doctor who is also a very close family friend and knows me. I told him about everything I was going through. He explained that before we even talk about transitioning we would work on my mental health. He helped me make a plan and we worked together on it. a long time after he decided I was mentally stable and could consider transition. Notice how I said consider. He told me I couldnt just jump into anything. I could do simple things like cut my hair and change my outfit style. After a while ive been approved to do more. If I want I can now wear a chest binder and think about top surgery (not get it yet but think about it). He has asked me that I have periodic mental health check ups and meet with a therapist who is neutral of the subject of gender.
@Nicholas – Thanks for sharing your experience; although, it sounds like you need a new doctor. “You went to a “doctor” who decided on a plan [for a teenage girl], that would allow HIM to decide when you were ‘mentally stable’ enough to consider becoming a boy. HE allowed you to cut your hair and change your outfit style. Then you were “approved” to do more?” Wow. …and you now have permission to wear a sport bra and think about mutilation of your body. Of course, the ‘doctor’ says your’re OK – as long as you stick to the plan – AND of course get “mental health checkups” [is this a thing?] along the way. So, why does someone already ‘approved’ by a random professional of medicine to become what they can never be, actually need mental health checkups? Sounds like you are being used for an experiment.
This is either the biggest travesty of the medical profession, an example of the dismal tide we’re all fighting, OR a really big lie from someone playing games on a forum.
By the way, I’ve always allowed my daughters to wear their hair and dress in the style they want. No doctor approval required.
I believe Nicholas is a troll. There are plenty of places that she can go to get support and this isn’t one of them so why is she here? I am not responding I have my own problems. Her story does not add up.
1) He not she
2) Im not looking for support. If I was I wouldnt be here. As a matter of fact Ive said why Im here multiple times. Im here to learn other people perspectives and share mine. I also want to help some parents that are confused about what their child may be thinking and possibly how to handle it without giving in completely or rejecting them.
3) I assure you Im not a “troll’
4) How can you say my story isnt adding up? Im giving summaries of my experience. What Ive said is different things that have happened at different parts of my life. Ive said what I did when I rushed things on my own and what I did when I got help from a doctor. I am telling bits and pieces of things that happened at different times. Considering you dont know me personally I dont think you have the right to say if my story is “adding up” or not.
Nicholas, do you mind sharing in what ways your doctor “worked on” your mental health issues? That may be too personal to say here, but I’m curious the different things a doctor would do in order to come to the conclusion that someone is “mentally stable”. Enough so that they decided there were no more issues left to address.
Id rather not share that. Im not perfect now either. There are still issues. Im just far more stable now than I was before
Could Yahoo! be complicit? Probably not, but I’ve got to mention this.
So a friend of mine sent me familiar with my plight sent me an Email today and told me to go to Yahoo and search a few words with “safesearch OFF”. Obviously, I was intrigued on how she discovered this and she basically said while monitoring her kids Internet activity, she was shocked to find “transgender” brought up ‘zero’ nudity and only mostly tasteful pictures, many labeled as “beautiful transgender”.
So, she told me to [in Yahoo] search [with safesearch OFF] these words:
Boys, Men, Women, Girls, then finally Transgender.
Must admit, I was a bit surprised. All of the standard words indicating male or female brought up nude, sexualized, or vulgar scenes within the first page. All of them.
Transgender on the other hand, was 99% exotic, model, and basically tasteful representations of mostly feminine and/or pictures actually labeled with ‘positive’ text [beautiful, successful, strong] with NO nudity or vulgarity, aside from an exposed ‘male’ chest on the 2nd or 3rd page.
Does this seem odd to anybody else?
Sure it seems nitpicking, but I’ve learned a heck of a lot in the last 7 months that I never imagined or would have suspected if this hadn’t happened to MY kid.
At this point I’m willing to stick my neck out a bit and be called a fool…
I’m I overly paranoid?
SouthofGravity…. agree with you all the way. I said everyone deserves love and support but to me support means exploring and questioning and it absolutely does not mean I have to agree with everything my kid decides. I’m so tired and angry by therapists telling me how I have to feel. They want me to conform to the ideaology and I simply cannot force myself to do it. I was told to mourn my daughter and that I need to see my child as the gender they want. I said I probably will never be able to see my daughter as my son. I can call my kid by all the “right” words but it doesn’t mean I will ever believe those words. I was being honest in a private conversation with the therapist. Apparently that was not the right thing to say or feel. I just need to get with the program so my kid won’t kill themselves. I’m also apparently not supposed to research anything that doesn’t go with the ideaologhy or that is troublesome as well. To hell with that!!! I will read and research and feel inside whatever I need to. That does not make me unsupportive!!!!!
Luckily, I’ve found a channel much better than a therapist. Recently, I discovered my daughter has a new “text” friend and was concerned over his agenda. I slept on the idea of ‘ending’ that, but then realized if they move to ‘phone’ I can’t track.
We’ve been talking lately and I’ve noticed our conversations and the impact of those conversations finds it’s way into texts to this stranger. In other words, I’m able to see what she’s feeling and specific reactions to our conversations in these texts with this kid. He’s not specifically one of the ‘pro-trans’ group, just simply a horny 17 year old a few states away. I’ve noticed the more they’ve talked, the less flirtatious he’s become as he’s realized she doesn’t understand social cues. Obviously, I’ll cut it off in a moment if things get weird, but right now…it reminds me of long phone calls on my teenage phone as a youth that would go deep in the night and then you might be embarrassed at first when you saw that person the next day.
My guess is – she is not telling her therapist anything insightful because they are face-to-face, and also because that is something WE -her parents- arranged. The ‘text friend’ on the other hand is anonymous and safe.
Just to be clear, I don’t expect every parent to agree with my tactics. I’m simply giving a play-by-play [somewhat] of my efforts in case there is a parent looking for ideas.
If I’d seen this blog a year ago – and seen all the drama from parents acting as if this was some cult, or some great evil, or some conspiracy – quite frankly I’d first have questioned the parenting skills. 11 months ago, even over coffee talking to my friend in shock over his son snagged by the trans-agenda, I only thought in my mind how he always let that kid play video games all night – assuming it was a mental thing and a porn thing his son had gotten too far into. THEN, I saw my daughter [young introverted, insecure woman] of 19 get abducted by this garbage – and it took that for IT to be real. You really must know a kid since birth, to know when they are being taken by a lie.
…has anybody noticed if ANYBODY, either in politics or in media, has started talking about this publicly? At least gone on the offensive about telling kids to mutilate themselves to look more like the gender, even though gender isn’t a thing anymore.
Craziness…..
Nicholas… I would never shame or humiliate any of my kids for what they wear or their natural behaviors. I really haven’t heard any of the parents here say that. We , meaning the parents who support gender non conformity, say there is nothing to medically fix . Our kids are perfect how they are. It’s the experts who are not supporting gender expansiveness. We are getting more conservative about gender not less. It is hard to be a girl or boy who goes against the norm. Very hard but this is what they need support for. If my kid was allowed by their peers to just be they wouldn’t feel the need to take hormones. Our society has spread a very dangerous message to vulnerable kids and it’s just so so sad.
@Awakened. One day I was talking to my daughter about ‘gender’, and found she’s been talked to about, but has trouble discussing ideas of drugs or surgery. In other words, she’s at the level of being “part of the trans cult” for the ‘love and support” – but obviously is scared of the ‘cult membership requirements’.
During that conversation she admitted to not really having any feelings one way or the other, nothing specific, using the talking points of the ‘movement’ but not really able to address specific questions like “do you want to be a boy?”.
So I just said. Why can’t you just be who you want to be? If you want short hair, cut it. It you don’t like showing boobs, then don’t. If you like wearing hoodies and knit hats, do it. Why do you think you must look like every other girl, just to be what you are? I told her to be courageous and show other girls and boys they can wear what they want, like what they want, and chose NOT to have relationships with the opposite or same sex at all until they feel comfortable. She seemed really interested in what I was saying. Not sure if it helped, but I’ve noticed a LOT of the conversations she’s having on text have less trans-talk.
In hindsight, it just makes me wonder if all her interest in fashion, all that girls stuff, high school was tough on her and she doesn’t get social cues at all. She ends up in college and it is scary, and she doesn’t know how to talk to people and she sees ‘other’ girls with guys in relationships and is scared for that. It’s almost as if she decided one day she was ‘failing at being a girl’ so during a psychology class her freshman year, apparently the transgender theme was broached. …from there it was like she stepped off the edge of a dock onto a ‘speed boat’ called the Internet.
How did we get from a world finally beginning to celebrate women, protect women, and acknowledge their freedom to be who they want…to a movement bent on telling young girls if they aren’t acting or feeling like girls should, they probably need to be a man??!!
Craziness…
SouthofGravity. How true! Unless you experience this for yourself you will probably believe that these stories are written by over dramatic , in denial and over controlling parents. I’m in different shoes because my kid is a legal adult so I really don’t have much control. All I ever wanted was for my kid to be able to get as much information as possible…. not just the typical simple narrative that therapists and gender clinics are following. I also believe my kid is not being completely honest in therapy . It’s not because they are being deceitful but rather they are confused and in pain and they really want to believe this will make everything better. It will for some people but because informed consent is such a mess in US many many young people will wind up wishing they never took this “journey”. It most likely will be us parents who will have to clean up the mess because yes we do love and support our kids. As far as agreeing with all your decisions … that’s not my concern. You are in a precarious place just like me. If my kid was younger I may have drawn some much tighter restrictions. We are all doing the best we can and I’m truly grateful for this site. It has shown me that I’m not crazy.
@Awakened. You aren’t crazy, or in the minority. The Internet and media can make it seem that way. My ‘kid’ is 20, by the way. Luckily [or not maybe], she is dependent on us, as she’s never held full time employment and lives with us.
I’ve had to learn over the last year how to ‘use’ that control, without actually ‘wielding it’ like a weapon.
Believe me, I feel the precariousness of my situation even now. How do you maintain control of someone long enough to protect and guide them, yet also prevent them from becoming forever dependent due to that control…
Dang, when I was young we just wanted to learn to drive, learn a trade, and get out of the house and buy our own couch from Sears as soon as possible….
Now we have a partial generation of young people who’ve got themselves into all these nightmare social cults – feel like they’ve lost their place in the social construct – so now HATE the social construct and are trying to take as many down with them as possible.
That’s my story.
Stay Awake my friend. The rest is just a nightmare cured by less T.V. and sugar.
[dang, I should patent these sayings when I get all excited..] 🙂
SouthofGravity…you are very fortunate that your daughter has allowed you to even have these conversations. I believe she hears you whether she acknowledges that or not right now. My kid cannot and will not discuss this without either angry outbursts or just refusal. That’s not how a responsible “adult” behaves. My kid is in distress. When someone is in deep psychic pain it is definitely not a good time to make long term decisions. This seems like common sense to me . Unfortunately these therapists are so convinced by their way that they are not helping people to learn to sit with their discomfort and slowly explore their feelings on a deeper level. It sounds as if your daughter has doubts. Doubts are good and need to be explored. So if you can keep talking and I hope she can come to learn to accept herself as she is. Mine has started hormones several months ago. I believe my kid has doubts as well but is very very stubborn. I have to be very careful to not make this a battle of wills. I hope soon my child will be able to just listen to me without seeing it as an attack. It makes me so sad and I feel powerless.
@Awakened. How old is yours? Mine is 20. Dependency and being a late bloomer [immature] has helped us maintain control. This started only 7 months ago, I think. Still, my first search of her bedroom revealed a piece of paper with testosterone chemical names and dosages: Notes from a YouTube video. Luckily, she isn’t very resourceful, yet. Also, she is scared. My guess is she found an online club that will welcome her, as long as she ‘talks the talk’, but I think she’s a bit afraid of the long term ‘admission fee’ to the Trans Cult.
If she was out of the house…I’d have no chance. Even now, with work – we can’t compete with social media’s time with her attention.
I’m also trying to be careful not to make it a ‘battle of wills’ or even a ‘get straight or get out’ scenario. I’ll lose. Trying to be firm in communicating I’m the only one with her best interest, and trying to logically verbalize how I know this – by trying to unravel for her why these people would lie – and what makes them tick.
When I was young, I realized most people who used drugs and alcohol knew it was a bad thing. Also, everybody seemed to know what risky and/or dangerous behavior was. The reason they wanted others to do it with them, was simply because nobody wants to be alone. Nobody wants to be the only person out on a limb. Cults are like that. These are the examples I give my daughter, those micro-examples she can understand – how people are afraid to do things alone – especially when they don’t know the outcome.
Like many young people, she is experiencing a ‘pendulum swing’ where Hollywood, Politicians, and the Media is serving a huge P.C. worship session to the entire LGBT community on the idea this group has been oppressed, tortured, and killed for years…and somehow the Trans Cult has found a way to ride this swing as if they are a newly discovered species. …and by golly, they need membership numbers. Numbers mean power, votes, and legal protection.
I can’t say enough how incredible it is to me, this is happening at the SAME MOMENT IN TIME women are supposed to be making such strides. Why aren’t ANY of these women screaming at what the Trans Cult lies are telling their daughters??!!
It’s a dismal tide….
My daughter just came to me and said she identified as a boy. Thank goodness for this article! This is my life right now and I am so confused, emotional, frustrated, hurt, embarrassed, and lost. I keep going back to when she was a little girl. She was so girly princess dresses, tea parties, playing with American girl dolls, barbies, and every other girly toy. Fast forward to this past year now she’s in high school and found some new so calle dfriends and all of a sudden she wants to “follow” them and be trans. I can’t wrap my head around this. I don’t understand how one minute you can love girl clothes and expensive make up to the next cutting your hair and wearing more masculine clothes.
First step: Make yourself a GMail account NOT USING YOUR REAL NAME only you know of, build a Facebook account off that also under fake name. Find a free keylogger software and get it on your kids laptop. Also, another member suggested I use “TeenSafe” software to track kids phone activity. Do all of this quickly, before she has a chance to obtain instruction on how to cut you off from her trans-cult friends.
Second step: Take a deep breath. Analyze what forms of control you have and try to keep the conversation going. Be careful of religious or social construct logic, and stick to [my opinion] making points about the fact this movement is pushing young girls toward mutilation and unhealthy lifelong chemical addiction.
Third step: Read and read and read. Perfect your conversation, your language, and your message. She’s being taught a perfectly reasonable sounding message [talking points] for insanity.
Fourth Step: See second step and loop.
All the while – looking for some counseling being extremely careful you have a guarantee it isn’t someone complicit with the transgender illusion.
Things in this mirror are crazier than they appear. This is the upside-down. Understand – there is no such thing as transgender. There is no way to transition from a girl to a boy.
You are not alone.
User your anonymous Email to rejoin this forum [unless this already is fake], and other forums mentioned on her. NEVER use your real name or Email address on any forum. The groups and money supporting this trans-cult are dangerous…maybe not physically…but I assure you…these are mentally ill folks being enabled by fearful politicians, media, and celebrity. Don’t think they won’t come after you. Don’t think there aren’t ‘fake parents’ out here. Don’t think they can’t do some quick Googling of your 10 year old Email address and find enough info about you online to find you, and warn your daughter. Paranoid? You bet. MY daughter was made an offer to come ‘stay with’ a reality show star’s son. Really. …and we live in a small town in Arkansas.
You can’t wrap your head around it, because it is the new insane. I bought slip-on shoes with checkers, cut my hair ‘punk’, and got an earring in my ear and my mother took me in for counseling. Now we have groups of kids, funded [I am sure] in colleges – high school – in online game rooms – literally trolling for young people – and finding them – especially those easiest to cull from the pack.
Hang in there. See Step 2.
If you’re really that scared still be supportive but in a different way. Show support by being informed and sharing that info with your child. Tell them the risks and help them realize that transformation is permanent. Do not shame of reject them. It can lead to even worse problems in the future including destroying your relationship. I’d suggest letting your child do small things like cut their hair or maybe wear the opposite genders clothes. If its a phase it will just run its course and she’ll get bored of it.
A week before our son’s 18th Birthday he tried to overdose on Advil. I still believe to this day it was a way to deflect from his failing a lot of classes his senior year of high school.
We found help for him, he got medication but then the doctors seeing him would not tell us what was wrong. Apparently 2 months later he came to the conclusion that the problem he has had is that he is Transgender and began to grow out his hair. He came out to everyone, 12 year old little brother, friends, colleagues at work, but never said a word to us.
A few months later he moved out of our house to go to college in town and then dropped out of college his first semester.
He lives on his own now and works full time to maintain himself. It was not till 1 1/2 years later that he allowed his psychiatrist to tell me. He claims to be a lesbian. Coincidence that I now found out his Psycologist is also a lesbian as is his best friend.
We talked briefly with him about the subject to show we loved him but I have not had a chance yet to tell him how I feel about it. What do I do?
How can I get my now adult son help?
Hi John. I am so sorry you are going through this. There are many parents going through it so please know you are not alone. I am so sorry he did not have the courtesy of telling you sooner. Make no mistake about it this is all very cult like. You will see so many similar stories that you will come to realize that the trans-activists have managed to run this very well. Right now you will think I am crazy. Obviously his onw psycologist is a trans-activist. My own son was affirmed for surgery and hormoned within a half hour of his first visit to a clinic. He hasn’t done anything yet but it looms out there.
I would not agree to buy into his belief that he is a woman. Men cannot become women despite what trans-activists want you to believe. Do not treat him like a woman or use female pronouns. It will be hard because he will make you feel lousy about it. You will realize sadly that your son is manipulating you. It’s a harsh reality.
I would strongly suggest that you get onto twitter and follow many of the professionals and other parents so you are learn more about this ideololgy. Look to Dr. Oren Amitay and Ray Blanchard to find out information about males who want to transition.
Your son may have a condition called Gender Identity Disorder (GID) also called Gender Dysphoria. It use to be listed as a mental illness and still should be but the trans-activists managed to get it de-listed so now people can just say they are the opposite sex and we are all suppose to believe them. There are two kinds of males who transition. They are HSTS (Homosexuals transsexuals) and Autogynephila (AGPs). Your son is no doubt the 2nd type because it sounds like he is straight. I hate to tell you this but they are normally crossdressers and have a fetish about being women – they actually want to be women. The medical profession is useless to help as you can see (although many are coming around). Your son may have access to hormones and surgery. I pray you do everything to stop that. The majority of men who transition regret it.
I hope this helps. Take care of yourself. I am so sorry for your pain. There are many of use fighting under pseudo names on twitter to expose this and get doctors to treat it like a mental illness again. Many like your son have other issues such a depression, anxiety, trauma, dissociation and personality disorders all of which are ignored but if treated often stops the insanity.