A few months ago, my teenage daughter stopped trying to “pass” as male. She dropped the self-defined-as-male uniform (emphasis on SELF), the stereotyped swagger and the fake-deepened voice and —moved on. Her fervent desire to be seen and treated as a boy (as opposed to a gender-atypical girl) faded away, just as other formerly unshakable ideas and urges had in the past. And our relationship has never been better.
Although I’ve allowed myself to exhale, just a little, she will remain at risk, because every sector of society—the media, the government, the schools, medicine and psychology–is now saturated with the message that if you’re a “gender nonconforming” girl–one who prefers the clothing, activities, and hairstyle more typical of the opposite sex– you just might actually be a boy.
What did I, and the other adults who love her, do? It hasn’t been easy. In fact, for a time it was a living hell, a purgatory of slammed doors, stony silence, yelling matches, and mostly—waiting.
There was no magic answer. We rode it out. I learned something about keeping my mouth shut. About saying my piece and then leaving it be. About living with uncertainty. We didn’t cater to demands for instant gratification. We paid for and encouraged activities that would get her out into nature and off the Internet. Mostly, we waited.
I drew a clear line in the sand: There would be no money to pay for a gender therapist, testosterone, or a binder. If she wanted to pursue those things at the age of medical majority, that would be her choice—and it would be on her dime. At the same time, I let her know that her clothing and hairstyle choices were hers to make. Further: I purchased the “men’s” clothing (including underwear), paid for the haircuts, supported all the other stuff she wanted to do or wear that is more “male typical.” Not always successfully, I tried to calmly and sparingly convey the message that however she dressed, whatever interests she pursued, she was a female—perhaps an unusual one, but a young woman nevertheless, who might someday become a role model to show other girls just how amazing and truly “gender-expansive” a woman can be.
Like many who read this blog, I phoned gender therapists during the weeks after her announcement that she was trans. Without even meeting my child in the flesh, all four of these therapists talked to me like this trans thing was a done deal. I wrote about one of those conversations here. One very friendly therapist, an FTM whose website stressed commitment to “informed consent,” assured me that there was no need for my daughter to first experience a sexual or romantic relationship before deciding whether she was trans. “Most of the young people just skip that step now,” the therapist said.
Skip that step? I thought back to my own adolescence. I didn’t even begin to have a clear idea of who I was, as a sexual being, until after I’d had more than one relationship. It took years for me to come to know my body’s nuances and intricacies, its capacity for pleasure, how I might feel in relation to another. [Update: for lesbian youth in particular, this process can be a long one, on average not complete until one’s early 20s]
This same therapist signed my kid up for a “trans teen” support group scheduled for the following week—again, without ever having met her. “There’s nothing you or I can do about your daughter being trans,” said another therapist… on the phone, without having met my kid. Yet another therapist refused to talk to me at all; insisted she’d have to have a private appointment with my kid first.
Contrary to the myth promulgated by the transition promoters, at least in the United States, there is no slow and careful assessment of these kids who profess to be trans. The trend is to kick out the gatekeepers, and move towards a simple model of “informed consent”: If you say you’re trans, you are–no matter how young and no matter when you “realized” you were trans.
All these therapists seemed well meaning enough. They believed they were doing the correct thing. But with each conversation, I felt more and more uneasy. My gut feeling that something wasn’t right led me to research, to question…to put the brakes on. And the more I read, and thought, and understood, the more determined I became to find an alternative. I started this blog out of sheer desperation. I needed to find someone, anyone, who understood what I was going through. I needed other parents to talk to—badly.
My kid never did go to a gender therapist. Never did sit in a room full of “trans teens.” If she had, I feel certain she’d be sporting a beard right now.
When I first started blogging, I got a lot of hate mail. In every anonymous drive-by comment, the hater referred to my “son” who would grow up to hate my guts. “He” would surely commit suicide, and more than one of them wished me a lifetime of misery when that inevitably happened. Even the mildest posts resulted in hostile reblogs from strangers who had not the slightest idea of my family’s situation.
At first, these anonymous barbs stung, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that I could rely on my inner parental compass. Because, see, I know my daughter. I knew, when she suddenly began spouting the gender-policed jargon planted in her head by Tumblr trans activists, that this wasn’t who she really was. This was a girl who, all through childhood, was never “gender conforming” but who was secure in herself because I’d made sure she knew, via my words and my example, that girls could be and do anything.
Most of all, I knew she needed me—not to blindly “support” and give in to her every demand, but to simply BE THERE, even as a limit; a steady place she could push and rail against. It was scary, and painful, being on the receiving end of teen outrage. Because a teenager does have the right to make some of their own decisions. Later adolescence is a time of individuation, dawning adulthood. Haranguing or lecturing not only gets you nowhere, it isn’t fair. Negotiation is probably the most important parenting skill when it comes to high-school-aged youth. And no parent gets it right all the time. (Paradoxically, part of being a halfway decent parent is knowing how imperfect you are at the job.) But one thing became more and more clear to me: my child did not need a parent who would collaborate in sending her down a road to being a permanent medical patient. In fact, she needed protection from the very same people who were sending me hate mail on Tumblr.
Not so long ago, child and adolescent psychologists—people who actually study the development of young human beings—were frequently cited and quoted. These experts, as well as every other rational adult, were well aware that kids shift identities: try this one on, shed it like a snake skin, try on another. Younger kids go through a long and wonderful period of make believe and magical thinking. They are actually convinced they ARE the identity they try on. And adolescents are renowned for trying on hairstyles, belief systems, clothing styles—only to discard them after a few weeks, months, or maybe even years.
In contrast to today’s social-media-fueled paradigm, when a kid’s announcement that they are the opposite sex is taken at face value by seemingly everyone around them, it was previously understood that adults were largely responsible for the inculcation of gender stereotypes into children’s minds. Children aren’t born hating their sexed bodies. They only grow to reject themselves when someone they look up to promotes the idea that their likes and dislikes in clothing, toys, activities, or other pursuits are seen as incongruent with their natal sex.
A child’s burgeoning sense of self, or self-concept, is a result of the multitude of ideas, attitudes, behaviors, and beliefs that he or she is exposed to. The information that surrounds the child and which the child internalizes comes to the child within the family arena through parent-child interactions, role modeling, reinforcement for desired behaviors, and parental approval or disapproval (Santrock, 1994). As children move into the larger world of friends and school, many of their ideas and beliefs are reinforced by those around them. A further reinforcement of acceptable and appropriate behavior is shown to children through the media, in particular, television. Through all these socialization agents, children learn gender stereotyped behavior. As children develop, these gender stereotypes become firmly entrenched beliefs and thus, are a part of the child’s self-concept.
… Often, parents give subtle messages regarding gender and what is acceptable for each gender – messages that are internalized by the developing child (Arliss, 1991). Sex role stereotypes are well established in early childhood. Messages about what is appropriate based on gender are so strong that even when children are exposed to different attitudes and experiences, they will revert to stereotyped choices (Haslett, Geis, & Carter, 1992).
We have people like this: the mother of a six-year-old girl who has “transitioned” to male, writing storybooks to indoctrinate kindergartners. To suggest to them that they, too, might really be the opposite sex:
“Can the doctor have made a mistake? Was I supposed to have been born a boy? Am I the only kid in the world like this?”
Deep down, Jo Hirst had been anticipating these questions. And she knew she had to get the answers right.
It was bedtime, and her six-year-old was curled up on her lap. Assigned female at birth, from 18 months of age Hirst’s son* had never wanted to wear female clothing and always played with boys.
I challenge anyone to find me a single account of a “transgender child” which does NOT resort to talking about toys, hairstyle, clothing, or play stereotypes to justify the diagnosis of “trans” in a young child.
Our kids are being cheated of the opportunity, the breathing space, to simply explore who they are without a gaggle of adults jumping in to interfere with the process by “validating” their frequently transient identities. Kids are being encouraged to freeze their sense of self in a moment in time, during the period of life when everything is in flux. And even though key researchers have said over and over again that most gender dysphoric kids “desist” and grow up to be gay or lesbian; even though the latest research denies any such thing as a “male” or “female” brain, parents are encouraged to socially transition their kids, put them on “puberty blockers,” and refer to them by “preferred pronouns.”
For very young children, this cementing of the child’s identity in a period when they most need the freedom to simply play and explore—to “make believe”—is essentially stunting the child’s development.
Young children go through a stage where it is difficult for them to distinguish reality from fantasy. Among many other things, it’s why we have ratings on films. A young child can’t understand that the monster onscreen is not real.
Research indicates that children begin to learn the difference between fantasy and reality between the ages of 3 and 5 (University of Texas, 2006). However, in various contexts, situations, or individual circumstances, children may still have difficulty discerning the difference between fantasy and reality as old as age 8 or 9, and even through age 11 or 12. For some children this tendency may be stronger than with others.
Just exactly what is motivating doctors and psychologists to jettison decades of research and clinical practice in favor of a completely unsubstantiated and unproven hypothesis of “transgender from birth”? The glib answer is: suicide. But if a gender nonconforming youth expresses the desire to self harm, encouraging that youth to further dissociate from their whole selves (because the body and mind, contrary to the bleating of trans activists, are not separate units, but a whole) is not a responsible way to support mental health. As this commenter said in a recent post on GenderTrender:
Wow. Conservatives aren’t the only ones who suck at science. Brain sex? Seriously? If you’re allegedly born in the wrong body, why doesn’t your brain count as part of the “wrong body”? Your brain is telling the truth but the rest of your body is a liar? Wtf? This shit is as sensible as scientology.
Teens often pick up on cues and assimilate ideas presented in movies/films viewed in the movie theater and other sources, (online sources for watching movies now eclipse movie theater viewings or film DVD rentals for teens), and while teens already understand the difference between fantasy and reality, they may still absorb or become attached to ideas that are powerfully presented in films but that have no basis in reality, the teen not having enough experience or knowledge to sort propaganda from fact, fiction from reality. Films, television programs, music and statements from celebrities can [and do] become a part of the thinking and emotional/psychological makeup of teens and children.
This used to be a “duh” thing. Are teens influenced by what they imbibe, what’s in fashion, what celebrities (like Jazz Jennings and Caitlyn Jenner and Laverne Cox) are doing, what their peers are saying and doing? Might socially isolated teens be even more swayed by what they see on social media, while they sit for hours, alone in their rooms?
“Facebook depression,” defined as emotional disturbance that develops when preteens and teens spend a great deal of time on social media sites, is now a very real malady. Recent studies have shown that comparisons are the main cause of Facebook depression; the study showed that down-comparison (comparing with inferiors) was just as likely to cause depression as up-comparison (comparing with people better than oneself).
…Other risks of extensive social networking among youth are loss of privacy, sharing too much information, and disconnect from reality.
My daughter, like so many others I’ve now heard about, emerged from months of self-imposed social isolation and YouTube/Reddit binges, to announce, out of the blue, that she was transgender. And simply for questioning this, for refusing to hop aboard the train, I’ve been labeled a “child abuser” of my “son”? Until the last few years, parents who recognized that teens go through phases weren’t considered abusive. They were considered well informed.
Not so long ago, parents and helping professionals neither interfered with nor bolstered a particular identity that a kid was trying on. Everyone understood this was an important part of growing up: to allow our young to experiment, to see what worked and what didn’t. It’s called the development of a self. It takes years. It’s not even complete at 21. The self doesn’t emerge, fully formed and immutable at birth. It develops in response to experience, to love, and to adversity.
Given my own daughter’s desistence from the idea that she is or was ever “transgender,” I feel even more strongly that parents are right to resist the push by every sector of society to identify “gender dysphoric” minors as “trans.” Yes, some of these young people may go on to identify as the opposite sex; some will seek medical transition. But what the current atmosphere has done is rob them of the crucial time they need to figure it all out. Medical transition was once a rare, adult-only decision. I’m in favor of a return to that more reasonable approach to the matter.
So you bet I’m going to keep doing what I can to support parents who want to at least delay an adolescent’s decision to permanently alter body and mind with hormones and surgeries. You bet I’m going to try to save my own kid from what amounts to a cult that won’t let you leave if you change your mind, without serious social consequences. You bet I’m going to continue to protect my daughter and others like her from a lifetime of difficulty, from the rapacious medical industry that is profiting from the regressive resurgence and marketing of gender stereotypes.
You can also bet that I’m going to continue shedding light on the frankly insane practice of labeling very young children as transgender, conditioning them as preschoolers to believe their own bodies are somehow wrong and alien, that they must undergo teasing and torment from other children, that they must wear prosthetics to amplify or hide their own genitalia to be accepted as they are. Or just as bad: That the entire world must be browbeaten into redefining biological reality such that “some girls have penises” and “some boys have vaginas.”
And this work is not just about protecting kids. It’s also about supporting family members and friends who are deeply affected by the transgender narrative. Extremist trans activists, the media, the doctors and psychiatrists–none of them talk about the terrible damage done to the family system, to the fabric of close relationships, when a child “transitions.” All the activists have to say is that the skeptical parents and loved ones are “transphobes.” No one talks about the fact that the majority of these dysphoric kids would grow up to be gay or lesbian adults if not interfered with; adults with healthy, intact bodies, not dependent on drugs and carved up by surgeons’ knives.
So we have to keep talking about it. We have to keep the lights on in our corner of the Internet, even if only to document this strange medical and cultural fad for future historians.
Thanks to everyone who is traveling this road with me. While I know we often feel swamped and hopeless, we have each other for strength and courage. And for now, that will have to be enough.
Please help me. My special needs child is now claiming at 14 that she is a he. I home schooled her for grade 6 & 7. She wanted to go to public school for grade 8. So now says she is transgender and wants to have a new name and be referred as he/she. I’m baffled and b/c she is special needs she doesn’t comprehend things properly. She was even talking about binders. Like wtf! How does she get this information? She has no phone.
By talking to people and not being confined to just you. Maybe you should try asking your kid about it and try to be open and understanding of what they say. And do some actual research about what being trans means, what binders are, and other people your kid can talk to about it.
Be open and curious, don’t just assume this is some passing whim.
Home schooled, as in with online assignments?
They are being found and converted online.
These poor children would have been indoctrinated by the Krishnas in the 70’s – with no internet. Now it’s transgenderism.
Don’t cave. Be there but clearly state this is a cult and you will stand up against it until your child’s brain is matured, which is normally around age 25.
Commit to fully supporting her choice at age 26 and not before. You can even find a resource of a trans dad online stating the same.
My son has come out as trans to me and I am lost. He is going down a path that I think he will regret. I, like you, didn’t hop on the band wagon. I have told him that I love him, but I don’t think that the universe “made a mistake” when he was born a boy. But I am lost. I feel like I have lost my son to today’s societal acceptance of what I think is a mental issue. You are the first person I have come across that echos what I feel. I thank you for this.
It’s been incredibly hard to watch my child be so confused and hurt. But I feel like I’m walking around in a fog and I don’t know how to get out.
This an old thread, but I felt I should leave a comment in case someone seeking answers comes here. I began presenting gender dysphoria at age 11. I hide it completely. I grew up in the 90s and I told no one because I didn’t want to be mislabeled as LGTBQ as I didn’t know what I was other than I still knew I was my biological sex, even if I felt I wanted to be something else at times.
I was treated with medication for depression ever since that time. I was in denial of my dysphoria and wasn’t being treated properly. I also had ADHD. I withstood transitioning, and came to terms with my dysphoria. I’m not being treated for depression anymore, only ADHD and I’m doing a lot better.
I’ve been happily married for 10 years now and have 2 wonderful children. The beginning of our marriage was rocky do to my dysphoria and still not fully understanding it. Both I and my spouse have come to terms with my dysphoria. I live out my day to day life as my biological sex. I have not, and do not plan to transition. It’s been over 25 years and my dysphoria will not go away though.
It should be noted that I never had a healthy and safe outlet for my dysphoria growing up. I repressed it completely, repressing it caused me to obsess more about it though and that made me anxious, depressed, and suicidal. I DID have to find an outlet to express my dysphoria to come to terms with it though. I have channeled my dysphoria into acting and art.
I won’t give all the details, but I found a wholesome, safe, and anonymous place to create a side business online. With use of acting and technology my online identity as a socialite and artist is not the same as my biological sex. I have not hidden any of this from my spouse and my parents and some other family and friends. I don’t plan to tell my kids till they are older though.
Even if dysphoria can’t be repressed, that doesn’t mean you have to transition. I didn’t, I’m not transgender. Just a creative person that needs to escape into a different role sometimes. The role just happens to be the opposite sex.
Really interesting perspective, thank you for sharing.
Hi,
21-year-old trans man here (I’m female to male). As of this comment I’m currently not on hormones, and I haven’t had surgery. Though they are in my plans. I remember I originally saw this site back when I came out last year and it tore me up. Everything I read made me feel like my mom would never love me. As of right now, my parents still don’t use my name and pronouns. And because of certain events I’ll tell you about, I did not go with them when they moved out of state. I’m not going to tell you that all of your kids are trans, because I don’t know your kids, but you don’t necessarily either.
Just to put this in a framework, let me lay out my background for you. I have known that I’m a man, or a boy, since I was a child. I have distinct memories of telling my brother, who’s 2 years younger than me, that I was going to be a boy when we played pretend. I remember dreaming about not having long hair so that when I would lie awake in bed making up stories, I could be a boy. I did not have the education I needed, and I was not comfortable with myself enough to come out to myself until I was 20. I came out to myself in December of 2019 and successfully hid my journey from my family and friends until I was ready. I came out at college in January and I came out to my parents in April of 2020. And for one whole week it felt like they didn’t get it, but that everything was fine. When that week passed my mom sat me down and told me all about detransitioners, how many people regret transitioning, how my friends weren’t really my friends, and how I’d end up most likely killing myself if I did this. She then explained that she had someone she wanted me to talk to and emphasized the point that this person didn’t hate trans people, but would help me be comfortable as a woman. Some of my closest friends (non of them being online mind you) begged me not to, because it sounded like conversion therapy. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn’t listen to them.
For the next 4 months I’d be seeing this counselor. It was the height of the pandemic so I was isolated from everyone. The counselor, my mom, and my siblings were the only people I saw. Having someone trying to constantly beat down my identity and reshape it right after it had just become something solid for the first time sent me into a severe depression. To a point where I started cutting myself to relieve some of that emotional pain and actually prevent myself from committing suicide. Something I kept hidden from pretty much everyone. In august, I decided enough was enough and I told my counselor in an email that I didn’t want their help changing my identity, that I was comfortable as a trans man, and that I’d like to focus on how to better communicate with my mom on this topic that was obviously something she didn’t want to acknowledge. I, to this day, have not gotten a response to that email. A couple weeks later I cut my hair while both of my parents were out of town, something I shouldn’t have had to do as a 20-year-old, and there was a huge blowup from both of them. In December they took me out and I said the saddest words I’ve ever had to say. They asked me why they should support me if I may end up killing myself. And I replied, “What does it matter if I feel like dying anyway?” I’ll admit, I’m a bigger guy. I’m not super muscle-y or anything and I am 100% okay with that. I’ve never cared too much about my weight, only about the condition of my body. That being said, I have so much dysphoria that sometimes it hurts. Not just about my chest or my hips, but about my voice, about the fact that my license says “F,” every time someone assumes I’m a girl in the grocery store. I don’t get mad at those people, that does nothing to benefit anyone. That doesn’t take the sting away. I was asked once what being a man means, how can I know that’s my identity, and what they should even feel like. I honestly can’t answer that question. I’m no longer a religious man, but I do think we have souls and at my core, in my soul, I always knew I was a man. Honestly I wish I weren’t, or I wish I’d just been born a man. Being trans is not fun. Yes you absolutely do find community and certain aspects of my life have tremendously improved, but having dysphoria, binding, none of that is fun. I did not bind safely for an extended period of time and I have rib pain because of it. I have scars from self harm and serious religious trauma that is still affecting my day to day life. None of this my parents know about because they would’ve tried to commit me for sure.
So why do I keep bringing that up? My main point for this whole thing, you do not know your children better than they know themselves. You just don’t. I was able to hide my feelings, my cutting scars, my binder, and even my haircut for a short amount of time. I’m not saying to give in and blindly trust your children either. Any trans person worth their salt will not recommend transitioning if you’re not trans. All the information I found when I was learning what being transgender meant told me all of the bad shit. All of the hate I’d get, the bad side effects of testosterone, the unexpected and random ones too. Top surgery results that required revisions, scars that didn’t heal right, everything. And you know what? It was terrifying to do alone. Sitting in bed, late at night, on my phone I’d get so scared that I just wanted to disappear that way I didn’t have to transition and I didn’t have to keep living a lie. Honestly my best recommendation for you is to find your kid a trans mentor. Talk with the mentor, express your concerns, because we’ll listen. Hell even I’ve talked to people younger than me who were questioning their gender, and they figured out that they weren’t trans and that is so much more than okay. Do as much research as you want, but do it with your kid. All of you doing it alone and psyching yourselves out solves nothing. My relationship with my parents has been damaged in a way that I don’t know will ever be 100% fixed, and I don’t wish that upon any of you. I want you to know that I’ve been very visceral about things like my self harm and my contemplations of suicide because I need you to understand the severity of the situation you’re in. If you have questions, feel free to ask. I’m an open book. Good luck.
I’m sorry you’ve gone through so much alone, no parent should ever say those things to their child. Your story breaks my heart & honestly scares the shit out of me.
I have a 14 yr old daughter who recently told me she identifies as male. We’re still keeping it a secret from her dad and every other family member. (I’m going to use she/her when talking bc I confuse the hell out of myself if I don’t…for now)
Her possibly being transgender honestly wouldn’t bother me at all if I felt deep down that it was true. -Not that I think she’s lying or seeking attention, I KNOW that’s how she feels right now.
(I’m trying really hard to not sound ignorant as I type this next part, we’ll see how that goes…)
I would have a much easier time wrapping my head around it if she hadn’t been SUCH a girly princess of a girl her entire life. I mean to the point where if she didn’t have a dress to wear EVERY DAY there would be hell to pay. Like not exaggerating, constant dress up, jewels, princesses, makeup nail polish, …then she started her period -pretty early (11) and she became depressed, hated the fact that she developed earlier than everyone else, started wearing a binder, black everything, super baggy stuff and I honestly don’t care one bit what she wears, she always looks cute, but the change was pretty drastic.
The second thing that has me really questioning it is her closest friends have all began coming out as trans, 5 of them. That makes it very hard to not look at it as if it’s like any other phase we all went through.
**I am not talking about other people’s choice to transition, I’m just still questioning my daughter’s certainty and if I felt a little more certain, it would be a lot easier to get behind the he/him of it all.
She’s literally in her bedroom this second, pissed at me bc there was some sort of miscommunication over when she can start testosterone. My stance is that she’s welcome to go by whatever name she wants w her friends, at school etc. I have no problem buying her clothes from boy stores, boys shoes, short hair, we’re redecorating her room, ridding it of all pink and purple… but nothing medical related until she’s 18 & can pay for it.
By then she will have (possibly) lived as a boy from 14-18 & if she still wants to do it then my certainty will have gone up & I will support her.
I dunno, I have so many questions. I wish there was like a blood test or something fast and definitive. I just wish I knew if I were doing the right thing. For now I support her as best I can & we continue to work on getting her underlying depression controlled.
Just for some quick insight, I know many trans men who have been happily living as men for a decade or more who grew up very feminine. Many who are still very feminine, because men and boys can be feminine and still be men and boys. Just like any other boy, being trans doesn’t mean we have to conform to any stereotypes.
There IS a blood test. It’s called DNA with XX, XY, XXY chromosomes. Commercial DNA tests are a joke though. They do not provide this information even.
These children are sad and lonely and looking to fit in.
Help her find a place to fit in that is not specific to gender.
Also, it really doesn’t help to play in to the very right wing mantra of dress=girl, no dress=boy. Clothes are a man-made concept! Career choices as male or female – also man-made concepts!
No one should want to mutilate themselves in their search for completeness.
Help her find her own completeness and to own it no matter how she dresses or what her interests may be. She can do it all in the body she owns and live with it in good health – not the constant ill health of big pharma trans life.
I am a mom of a 17 (18 next month) year old child who has recently told her dad and I that she is trans. Born a girl, has lived as a girl for 16+ years, likes boys, has dated a boy. Now she thinks she is a gay boy…What? She has NEVER shown signs of boyishness ever, until lengthy episodes of isolation and internet use after severe school bullying as well as family narcissistic abuse, none of which I believe is really being addressed in counseling.
It has come to my attention that her current “therapist” badmouths her dad and I while talking with my daughter as if they are best buds. The conversation is clearly NOT a therapeutic one at least and at most, severely damaging to my daughter, pushing us further and further away from our once engaged, confident, productive child. She is now more depressed than ever, does nothing all day but sit in a chair, plays video games, draws and complains and blames everyone else for everything, does not help herself at all, yet says she feels more like herself having socially transitioned as a boy. I fear I have lost her! This is a child who was a high honors achiever in school, played musical instruments, and was extremely dedicated to marching band, and art. Now…no motivation, expects everyone to do everything for her but does nothing for anyone, including herself. She is unkind and doesn’t care who she hurts.
There IS a cult like agenda at play here. Make no mistake…. ANY person or group who is not allowed to talk about or have an opinion about a concerning situation and is being told that they are “bigots” and “homophobic” without a conversation is being held captive of a very toxic presence. Threatening parents that they have to affirm this feeling or else their child will probably commit suicide is so gaslighty it reminds me of the perpetrator of abuse in a domestic violence situation when the survivor decides to leave and the perpetrator threatens to kill themselves to get the survivor to stay in the abusive relationship.
Teenagers are in a very vulnerable place. It is actually called “identity vs confusion” for a reason. They are trying to figure out who they are and how to navigate this world. THIS IS NORMAL! It’s just as normal as the infant stage of trust vs mistrust. Why can’t this be about coming along side our children and have watchful waiting approach while they navigate a difficult time? Just because someone feels something now does not mean they will feel the same a week from now or a year from now or 5 years from now.
These kids need REAL help!! They do not need the propaganda. They do not need to be affirmed. They need actual therapy!!
This. Absolutely this. 2021 has kicked me in the butt, or rather my child has. January 1st, she decides she’s now vegitarian. A month or so later “they” decide they are nonbinary and don’t identify as either. Now, “he” is a transgender boy named Kai, but moreso infront of friends than at home. I’m being pushed by the school it feels as they refer to her as “him” and call him kai, but at home she’s so much more natural and girly, eventho every day ot is rammed down our throats “can you not mention me having to wear a bra….I’m not a girl….why aren’t I as strong as my brothers..why can’t I use the boys toilets” etc but then snuggles up and wants cuddles all the time. If she is a transgender boy, she’s reverting back to about 8 years old in the process and there’s an air of severe jealousy about her younger brother who is actually 8. I don’t feel this is a genuine thing and I absolutely believe it is a phase and I am just along for the ride. All I can do is support, buy the boys clothes, gently teach the dangers of using men’s toilets keep her safe, be there as much as I can if things go wrong etc
Thankyou for writing this.
I feel for you. We found out my 15-year-old daughter was identifying as a male when she (they) inadvertently was still wearing a name tag from the first day of band – What’s this name, we asked. She quickly ripped it off and tried to downplay it but I looked in the trash can in her room later and found it, and asked her about it.
It’s true, she said, she’s asked all her teachers and peers to call her by this name and by the way, for her birthday would I buy her a binder?
Like the original author here, the answer has been “no” – I’m not going to facilitate this. If, when she turns 18, she wants to do all these things, that will be up to her, but on her dime.
I believe I can tell you exactly why all this happened.
As a younger kid, she was definitely girly-girl. Grew up in a home with both and older and a younger brother, had ample opportunity to play with “boy toys” and did, sometimes. But mostly stayed with her My Little Ponys; we had to buy her Lady and Mavis, the two “girl” trains with the Thomas the Tank Engine playsets.
But when she was in third grade we moved across the country for my job. She was extremely angry and upset; she had a group of very close (girl) friends in our hometown, and there were screaming matches about how she hated this new place and these new people and me.
She had trouble making friends and withdrew. Always bookish, she preferred reading in her room to being involved in activities. She got less girly, wore T-shirts and shorts all the time. But we didn’t think much about it until the past year, when she wanted to cut her always-long hair. She did, into a short cute bob, but she’s talked about cutting it even shorter, crewcut. That was the first red flag.
But she began getting involved in scholastic activities, finally – band, swimming, chorus, the drama club. Late in 8th grade, we did get her a phone because there were going to be times when she’d need a ride, when some activity would be over early and she needed to be able to contact us.
But she still tends to hide in her room, on her phone – no doubt on TikTok and Discord servers where she talks about her “dysphoria.” All designed to fit in with the online communities she discovered to ease her lonliness, I suspect. When she had no friends in “real life,” she could find understanding people online, who said to her – maybe you feel different because you are. Maybe you’re trans.
The trauma of the move, the loneliness/social isolation, the possibility she’s experiencing same-sex attraction and doesn’t know what to do with it – all those things push people in the direction of this “answer.”
Well, that “answer” has my wife full-time depressed these days. We’ve yet to say anything about this to the extended family, how do you tell a grandmother that her cherished granddaughter is now a boy and must be regarded as such?
Indeed, I love my daughter immensely but I feel like holding a funeral for the child I knew, the child I had until all this unfolded. I loved that girl. And now I feel like she’s gone; I must regard her as I do my 2 other sons, I must see her as the same, the equivalent. That, I can never do.
I only hope to ride this out, as the original author did. For those of you in the same boat – I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
OMG these posts are like reading the story of my own life.
I would gently wonder why your dynamic with girl children vs boy children is so different as to be a drastic change in your relationships. It sounds like you subscribe to and perpetuate a lot of gender based stereotypes that you are inadvertently pushing onto all your children. Nothing about my relationship with my son or daughter would change if they transitioned except the language I use for them. Why are you so attached to some idealized concept of what their gender should be? Why dont you relate to your child as they are, rather than your concept of what their gender should be? Genuine questions that I hope you’ll consider.
I recoil when I hear parents moan about funerals or “losing” children. Your child is right there, needing your love and support. If all your child was to you was some idealized gender avatar, then I’d understand feeling a “loss” if they aren’t actually that gender. But if you have a strong relationship with your child as a whole person, for whom gender is just one part, then what have you lost? What if your child was still a girl but a very, extremely boyish one? Would you be feeling like having a funeral then? Do you not see how dysfunctional and inappropriate that line of thinking and feeling is? Regardless of whether your child ends up transitioning or not, you should analyze why your perception of them, and possibly your entire relationship, is so shallow and predicated on their genitals at birth.
Wow! I don’t usually post things online and I know this is an older thread, but I felt I just had to respond to “Micheal”‘s “gentle wonderings” in response to “Alex Gilbert,” which sound more like an ugly assault than a thoughtful contribution. The parents reading and posting here are, like myself, bewildered and seeking insight. Suggesting that this means we love our children only in terms of some “idealized gender avatar” and that our relationships with them are “shallow and predicated on their genitals at birth” is not posing “genuine questions that [you] hope [we’ll] consider”; it’s just abusive.
Thank you to the author of the original post (“Keep Listening to Your Gut”) and to the parents responding with their own stories–you make me feel less alone. Thank you to people like “Chase” and “Somebody who held out” — your stories make my heart ache and help me to see better how complex all this is.
My 15 year old daughter also came out as trans several weeks ago. I know my daughter has low self-esteem and does not truly know if she is trans or not. She gets terribly upset with me when I tell her she will never be a boy, no matter how she changes her outward appearance. She will always be a girl, no matter what. You can’t change your DNA and that’s what these kids don’t understand. Reading stories of people who have de transitioned they have admitted the genitals did not function properly and they regret their decision. This is a mental illness, whether they like to admit it. This society has become so perverse in their way of thinking and our kids are suffering! I completely understand what you’re going through, hang in there! Also, don’t listen to the ones who think they’re trans and posting comments on here. Mental illness runs deep.
Sorry this isn’t to this message directly but to the comment referring to something that someone wants or thinks is correct for them a “mental illness”. I don’t mean to be rude, but imagine if I came up to someone and told them that,” If you like ‘x person’ you are ill and need help. I wouldn’t normally comment on something like this but it hit a nerve with me.
So what are we saying there is NO hope for actual help with dysphoria? No therapist that actually try to root cause. My son hates his body and mean hates it. He want to cut off body parts, he wants to be a girl. It is a VERY long story but honestly mental health has a huge part to play in this trans movement. My son has been pulled into a circle of friends that contain other trans kids and this culture of labeling and sexual fluidity. He needs health from a someone who can dig through the layers to root out the cause. I know this will take time and might possible never change. But no way should ANY doctors be embracing mutilation of bodies and just full accepting a 14 year old decision and running with that. It is malpractice in my opinion. What happened to intensive therapy and waiting.
Is there hope?
I want to ask if your son is attracted to males or females. If he is typically masculine and attracted to females, this may seem “sudden” but in all likelihood he is autogynephilic. It isn’t ROGD which I think only applies to teenage girls. That means he has a sexual arousal to himself as a woman. There is no known fix, however many males with autogynephilic paraphilia hide the truth, because they know most people would not accept them as women if they knew it was a fetish. He can’t help it and it’s nothing you did wrong. I recommend you read J. Michael Bailey’s book, “The Man Who Would Be Queen” in which the second half focuses on transgender women. He has the full book online here: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/281747420_The_Man_Who_Would_Be_Queen
You could also listen to Ray Blanchard on a number of interviews. Some males with autogynephilia transition, while others the distress is not so bad and they might just occasionally masturbate in womenswear. Ultimately, autogynephilia is almost like a sexual orientation: just the women he is in love with and attracted to is reflected back onto his own body. Autogynephiles can be decent and good people. I think that the modern trans community tells young men like this that autogynephilia isn’t real and that they’re women trapped in mens bodies. In reality, they are men trapped in mens bodies.
I cried as I read all these stories. I have so much love and compassion for everyone and their struggles. Everyone’s story is very different. I appreciate the blog above. My daughter is struggling with her gender identity. I have been struggling to wrap my head around all the confusing and misguided counseling I am receiving. This potential gender dysphoria was not from childhood years. But that doesn’t matter its her struggle and it’s real.
I have decided to apply my answer for everything. Love is that answer, and I do love her unconditionally. Does that mean I will use her preferred name or pronouns. No, I will not, but I will gently continue to reminder her of my deep love for her, and that I am hers. That she is safe with us. I do not have to co-sign all her decisions in life. I do need to preserve our relationship and hold firm to who I am, and what I believe, and model strength of character. That is my hope for her. I want her to think freely for herself, and search for what is true and love who she is. I want her to use her logical brain to govern her emotional brain and consider all the affects of her choices.
I don’t like being bullied for what I believe in. I won’t accept it from my parents, or my children, society or anyone. I understand that my little girl is almost an adult, and I will continue to encourage her to think and remember it is never to late to make the right choices, and making bad choices is a part of life, and the ones we grow from the most. I will allow her the space to make safe choices, until she is at the age where she is legally allowed to decide those boundaries for herself.
Nevertheless, the choices will soon be hers to make and live with. To me she will always be a precious and priceless gift. I named her what is Hebrew for beloved. That is who she is, and who she will always be to me, regardless of her choices in life.
We are all fearfully and beautifully made for a purpose. I hope and pray that everyone that reads my post will find their purpose that leads to a fulfilling and eternal life. I believe that their is always Hope, Faith and Love and the greatest of these is LOVE. I always try to let my love speak loudest over everything, but I will never negate my convictions to my faith and hope.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
My husband and I are heartbroken since we found out a week ago that our 25 yr. old daughter began taking testosterone. She never told us she was heading down this path. We will always love her no matter what, but can’t commit to calling her son or by the new chosen name and pronouns. Her siblings are fully supporting her decision. The pain we’re feeling is unbearable, the same pain I felt when my father died. We’re lost in sadness.
MMmom, thank you for your thoughtful and heartfelt post. It’s exactly what I needed. To all the parents going through this nightmare, I hope and pray that we can figure out a path forward and that our precious children won’t be harmed.
My 25yr old daughter just told us she’s also taking testosterone my husband and I are heartbroken can’t even process all of this. My heart aches I have pain I’ve never felt.
I would like to know how things turned out for you or what helped the most. I have a 14 year old daughter who has just stated she is trans and should have been a boy. I told her I believe God does not make mistakes. She was raised Christian. I am at a loss for what to do besides just keep on loving her. She also thinks she has adhd and autism all of a sudden. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Hi Lostmom,
I don’t know how this page works, but I recieved an email that you wanted an update on my daughter?
As a reminder I wrote this in August of 2020
” – For the past year and a half my daughter has wanted to be a boy. I didn’t encourage it but I fully supported her–bought boys clothes, cut her hair short, got her a “binder” for her chest…’
Well, this morning she, out of the blue (no prompting) said, “Mom, I don’t want to be a boy anymore.” To therapists reading this: If a female is girly until she turns 12 or 13 and then becomes convinced she is a boy…and her mother tells you that she’s NOT TRANSGENDER, listen to the mom instead of judging her!!!
This is seriously one of the best days of my life. I have my girl back! -”
Today, October 3rd, 2024, my daughter is 18 years old and still identifies as feminine. She no longer questions her sexuality; she identifies as heterosexual. At one point, she thought she might be gay, which then shifted to bisexual, and ultimately settled on being straight.
My daughter and I have discussed this journey, and looking back, she’s grateful that I supported her unconditionally without pushing her in any direction. She feels that this experience brought us closer.
I know what you are going through is painful. All of our experiences are different, but if you could give me some more information, I can provide you with some insight.
How old is your daughter? Was she traditionally feminine or more of a tomboy before this? Have you noticed any changes in her behavior, or has something significant happened in her life recently? What are her friends like, and does she have any body insecurities?
I think it be helpful if we “spoke” via email. If you are comfortable doing so, please email me at jlhdbt@gmail.com, and I’ll be happy to discuss this with you further.
Jenny
My daughter started having issues with body image and depression. Become anorexic and then several months later told me she was questioning gender about a year ago. Started as non binary and now saying she is Trans.
This kid has always been very into dressing up for events, very into princesses my little pony amd things..used to say her long curly hair was the thing she was most confident about and defined her..
She has now cut most of it off and is dressing in baggy clothes.
She was seeing a therapist who was overly confirming. We have pulled her from them. Are there therapist that actually help kids get to root of this? Help teach self love? Or am I best doing this on my own?
I want to thank you for speaking out. I am going through much of this. I am new at all of this. I am struggling with all the new things my daughter is doing.
Thank you everyone. I too am so lost. I feel so sad for all these kids. Mine is a beautiful 14 year old girl who was also a princess her whole life. Until she started high school. She hates her body and is now hurting herself. She is on medication for anxiety and depression and sees a counselor. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid to disagree with what she says because I don’t want to be the cause of her hurting herself. I also feel like the happy little girl I gave birth to is gone. I mourn her everyday. She hangs out with other “trans ” kids at school. She changed her name. I feel like I really wouldn’t be upset if she came out and said she’s gay. I just can’t understand any of this. I her councilor just this last week decided to start a LGBTQ club at the high school. Apparently there are enough kids who identify as part of this group to start a club. He is literally the only councilor within 6 hours of our tiny little mountain town. I’m afraid of what she might do if I did. We are currently waiting on an actual psychiatrist to see her. I just hope and pray that it happens soon . I also hope and pray that all of you and your kids have found peace in your hearts and minds. Of all the hours I’ve spent trying to find something on the internet to make me feel better, I finally find the place I belong and it’s a year or so old. Reading your stories had made me feel like I’m not alone in this battle. I take courage from all of you who have come before me. Thank you all, for telling your story.
Genspect.org and trevoices.org resources very helpful
You seem to be speaking from the position of the internet, rather than actual engagement from the trans community. I’ve been in the trans community for three decades. I know many, many trans men who were feminine growing up and who are feminine now. Gay trans men who you would think act like effeminate gay men. How do they fit into your worldview considering they transitioned before the internet was a part of their lives?
And you say children aren’t born hating their sexed bodies, they hate them when others tell them their interests don’t match their bodies. How does that factor in for trans men who don’t have traditionally masculine interests? Or trans men who grew up as fierce and headstrong feminists, fighting to be heard that “girls can do anything” but realizing that while that is true, it’s a statement that doesn’t apply to them? That was me. Everyone called me a Feminist, including myself. I advocated from the age of about 5 or 6 for girls to be able to just be girls, even if that meant being “tomboyish”. But I also knew that when I pictured myself growing up, it was as a man and a father.
Also, trans people don’t always “hate their bodies”. I don’t. I was uncomfortable with some aspects of it but I have nothing but love for the body I have as a trans man who transitioned decades ago.
Genuinely curious about how these experiences fit into your worldview. It sounds like your experiences in this subject are incredibly narrow and fueled at least in part by a confirmation bias, maybe to help convince yourself you did the right thing for your child. Who, by the way, may have accepted you won’t support them and given up, and may well still transition later in life.
I’m seeing a lot of this in the comments so I’m gonna state my own experience: I’m a transmasculine (meaning someone assigned female at birth has transitioned into a masculine identity) bigender teen. Growing up, I was a very “girly girl.” Princesses, Barbie, pink, frilly stuff, all of that. I had long hair until a few months ago. But steadily, very steadily until it snowballed into pure confusion at 14, I slowly realized I wasn’t a woman (at least, not fully). And yes, around this time I realized I was only into women romantically. But this had no impact on my gender identity. My orientation was and is completely separate.
But not every trans person’s experience is the same, because nobody is the same. So while your child may not exhibit the “usual” signs at a very early age, it’s because not everyone will have the same experience. Please listen to trans people. We don’t need an explanation to be who we are. Sometimes it’s completely okay for young folks to question their gender and to come out knowing they’re cisgender (their gender aligns with their biological sex/gender assigned at birth). Everybody is different, and allowing your child to express themselves however they like encourages them to open up to you even more. Yes, this includes using their name and pronouns not only around them, but especially around others and strangers, and in your head. One’s gender is part of their identity. Pronouns are how you call someone when you don’t use their name; it’s basically on the same level as a name grammatically. Respecting and using those pronouns means you respect and love their identity and them as a person.
I know this is hard and you should allow yourself time to grieve. It’s always okay to grieve and be sad, depressed, angry, anything. But your child especially may also be grieving and struggling, and it’s a good idea to show your support to them while receiving support from others.
Great article with great points talking about the issue as it is, not how media portrays it. Its a shame that the world is dominated by views that enforce adolescents’ transgenderism. The idea that a kid at a vulnerable age prone to misconception could fall victim to the media’s deceit, believe that they are trans and some parents would allow them to make a permanent, unreversible change to their body because of the cult like trend is appalling. Great information in this article that society needs more of!
I painfully am in this position currently with my beautiful 12 year old girl who after the kids were allowed back in person to school all of a sudden claims she’s trans. I wish I knew how to help her or who to turn to but I have no one that understands or is willing to help. I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle and I know my daughter is in danger.
My daughter claims she is also. She dresses in clothes that have to be labeled as “mens” and I found out she is using a different name with her friends. When I first found this out I totally lost it. I’m just hoping that as she grows and gets more experience in life she’ll realize it’s not the answer. I’m hoping She doesn’t immediately get hormones when she turns 18. I hope what I have to say about a more influential than whoever she would get hormones from. I want to tell her that her brain isn’t fully developed du til she’s 25-30 and to at least wait until then and then by then hopefully she’ll change her mind.
My 19 year old told us two weeks ago that he wants to transition and it was a total shock. Never once had we noticed anything at all to suggest he was feeling this. He has in fact really struggled with anxiety all his life and I have always suspect he was on the spectrum ASD, but he remained very social and schooling was no issue so we never got him assessed.
My husband and I did everything we were supposed to. Accepted and acknowledged it. Told him we love him no matter what (he lives in a different country) but at home we cried for a week. My husband is unable to move one and I find him weeping in sadness and we are blaming ourselves.
I visited him last week and took him on a road trip to allow him to talk to me but it all just strengthened my feeling that he was creating a narrative to fit his decision. For example he said he always like long hair, not true, he hated the hairdresser touching his head – always, and the one time someone thought he was a girl, he was very upset and got his hair cut short.
He said he has been feeling this since he was 16 or 17. He also said that two of his friends are trans. This makes me believe like one of the writers here that it’s perhaps a theme.
As mentioned, I would love if there was a simple test but never did we observe any behaviours as he was growing up that this might happen.
He said he is using a new name but did not want to share that with us which is quite honestly a relief. He said he is okay with us using his name for the moment but he is desperate to start on the hormone therapy.
Our thoughts and his thoughts are that this will make everything alright, his anxiety will decrease.
We want to find him a good therapist but not one who will automatically assume he is transgender and support him through that, rather we need to find one who will talk to him more about why and what first.
I completely agree with the comment that I am grieving for the child who we seem to be losing. He doesn’t understand that and says he is still the same person.
I need help with this in the worst way. My daughter is “trans” and I wanted help with counselling because i thought it would help us. Now they are pushing me to accept her as he and the name she chooses. Otherwise my child will commit suicide. This cannot be right. Please anyone.
Hi Belle. I totally agree with you 100%. The same happened to my daughter. She came out first as gay, then as trasgender. She mentioned she was experiencing social anxiety, that she hated her body. All happened after she stayed home for about 5 months when the pandemic started. My wife and I decided to send her back to school.
We took her to the pediatrician. The doctor asked her in front of my wife and I what was her preferred name and pronouns. I was stunned. Asked how she knew she was transgender. My daughter explained her and then the doctor agreed with her self diagnosis and referred her to a clinic that specializes in these type of cases.
This visit to the doctor made a great impression on my wife. Since then she helped my daughter to socially transition. We both were very confused. I started my own research and found a book by Abigail Shrier that opened my eyes Irreversible damaged you can find it on Amazon.
But long story short to answer your question you are correct in following your instincts as a mom. I have done so much research and read so many articles about this subject but in reality you do not need to.in my opinion The worst you can do to is help her socially transition. You need to listen to your kid , you need to help them but to change her name is a huge step that will only reinforce that new gender identity she is identifying with. Hope this help you. We are going through very difficult times because my wife and I do not agree in the name change and pronouns. But I think we are getting closer to an understanding. Take care and I wish you all the best to you and your family.
Hi, thank you for sharing your story. I ordered the book. I am looking forward to reading it. How are things with your child now?
Look. Just look what is happening. Our children are suffering, they hate themselves, their bodies, their own thoughts and feelings. I’m reading this and thinking YES YES that’s just like what has happened with my daughter! She’s 14. She started to question her gender at 12. Why? I don’t know for sure. What do I know? Before her home life fell apart she never showed anything but pride in herself and happy to be an individual. No need to worry what others thought. Now she hates herself. She’s so disgusted by her own body, especially her “girl parts” that she won’t shower unless she has no choice. Where did this come from? How does it relate to the nightmare of her home life when her father decided to end our marriage and abandoned me – his chronically ill wife. Somehow my daughter twisted that in her own mind that it would be better if she didn’t exist.
Things have gotten so bad (the pandemic made it all so much worse) that my daughter had to go into residential treatment for depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Apparently she’s the same as many many other girls going through similar.
But now I’m scared. Because after only a few weeks, the therapist went from “yes, she has severe body dysmorphia, but she’s not trans” to “she’s the most gender dysmorphic patient I’ve ever had.” I’m told I don’t know my daughter at all. And they want to put her on continuous oral contraceptive to stop her period “for now” because she hates her period so much. WHAT? WHAT? I don’t know what to do with that. And then the therapist says “it doesn’t mean she’s actually transgender” they just want to stop her period “for a while” to give her a “break.” A break from what? Being a girl? Oh no, I’m told I just don’t understand.
That’s right. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND but I’m her mother. What do I do? And her father is a monster to me, so I can’t even depend on him. I can’t even. Nothing else I can say. Accept my child. Of course. But accept what? If she doesn’t know, why can’t I stand as a touchstone and love HER until she’s sure?
Yo I’m FtM and I hope my reply might give you some insight. Not saying your kid should transition, but if you get this reply, hope it’s helpful:
I don’t really engage with the trans “community” so I dunno if “ROGD” or whatever I see talked about is a real thing. There’s definitely more trans guys transitioning who, frankly, act like women.
But, honestly, that just goes to show what gender really is; it’s a partial social construct built on the basis of biological sex. When a trans person is “trans,” they’re trans not cause they want to inhabit the social role of a man (although that might ease dysphoria cause social roles are so deeply entwined with our society’s understanding of biological sex), but because they feel physical dysphoria. We culturally understand biological sex through the baggage of all this random shit we call gender, but at the heart of it, being trans is about the physical desire to change sex, not just the social role. (again, deeply entwined of course, which is why I also had to change my gender, rather than just my sex.)
You can argue whether being trans is a mental illness or not: (it is if it’s considered one, by most standards it should be), but the fact remains that some people have gotta transition. (Twin studies have suggested a strong genetic link to transness; some evidence the brains of trans people function differently; meta-analysis of all available studies on transitioning: 95% of them generally showed transitioning improved mental health, 5% showed mixed results, none showed negative results).
That doesn’t tell you if *your* kid is trans, though, or if there’s something else going on. My suggestion: physical, rather than social, dysphoria is the most reliable way of telling if someone’s genuinely trans or not. Also, people don’t generally get dysphoria from traumatic events that weren’t sexual in nature. Your kid is probably trans, but they don’t gotta figure that out right this second.
Other suggestions: take it step by step. Birth control to prevent periods isn’t harmful and doesn’t change your kid’s body. Allowing your kid to cut her hair and wear masculine clothes is a good idea. You don’t gotta address your kid by male pronouns or whatever yet, just don’t try to stop her from presenting how she wants to present (generally good advice, regardless of the situation). Your kid is either gonna not end up transitioning (imo unlikely cause her dysphoria is physical in nature) or is gonna transition. Either way, don’t stop your daughter (or son or whatever) from figuring it all out.
“Childhood onset gender dysphoria” is a bit of a misnomer- most parents aren’t gonna know if their kids are gender dysphoric when they’re younger cause even the kids aren’t sure what’s going on. And trans kids aren’t always gonna be gender nonconforming- I was, but I’m a mega autist, so I didn’t absorb cues from my environment on how to act like a woman or a girl. Gender dysphoria usually becomes more severe and apparent around puberty- 11 or 12, so right around the age your daughter (or son or whatever) started experiencing it.
Gonna give a brief description of gender dysphoria from the perspective of an ftm, so you can get a better idea of what’s going on:
Realized I was trans around 15, had been gender dysphoric since I can remember. My parents had no idea, cause dysphoria feels like disgust; it feels wrong, so it feels shameful, and you don’t wanna admit it. I remember I told my dad I wanted to be a boy, and he came back with “no you don’t,” and that was the end of that. Was a tomboy: felt like I had to assert masculinity by getting in fights (pre-puberty), was also obsessed with war and military history (autism), but you don’t gotta be to be trans. When puberty happened, it was the worst fucking thing for me. I could sense it coming, and I would lie awake every night terrified to even move. Tried everything I could to prevent my period- even starved myself for a time. The only reason I’m still alive is cause I thought my dad’s gun was loaded when it wasn’t. Therapy helped before I got hormones, so did cutting my hair short, wearing masculine clothes (honestly wouldn’t necessarily suggest binders unless your kid has a big chest- sportsbras and layers are often just as effective and less limiting on sports and stuff)
Always find it funny that people think dysphoria is socially based, cause it’s really before language. Now that I’ve transitioned completely (even have one of those arm dicks, though most ftms don’t get those), I can begin to describe what dysphoria is like, cause I don’t really get it much anymore.I actually had trouble realizing it was dysphoria for so long, because it felt like it couldn’t possibly be something as simple as gender causing this whole-body horror experience.
Gonna resort to analogy: you feel like you’ve been partially anesthetized (experiences of dissociation, derealization and depersonalization are very common among trans people) and you’ve got something horrible and disgusting -like a leech or a huge spider- attached to you. Puberty is when you feel the spider-metaphor growing and crawling.
There’s this gap between what your unconscious is telling you should be there and what actually is; you feel a mixture of general anxiety, disgust, haze, and longing. Again, really goes beyond language, or any conception of whether you’re ontologically a “man” or not.
Also kinda like being in one of those artsy horror movies where it’s all summery but you can feel something fucked up under the surface. People are telling you everything’s alright- it’s gotta be alright, and you’re insane for thinking otherwise- you know, we’ve gotta affirm your femininity or whatever bullshit- but you just wanna tear your skin off. Nothing really helps except hormones and surgery (to be completely honest), but you can discuss that later.
Being trans is a medical condition, and not something I’d wish on anyone.
Anyway, I’m in med school now, got a wonderful wife, am completely passing- it’s possible to have trans success stories. This isn’t the end of the world for your kid. Sorry this was so long, I just really feel for your kid.
Omg this sounds like my life! When my now 18 (almost 19) year old daughter started junior high a few years back she started hanging out with a person that changed their gender every week. She was lesbian, trans, straight and the list goes on… soon enough almost every group of friends she has had had a label of something. Just last week my daughter said she was cisgender, this week she says she doesn’t feel like a girl or a boy. She dated one girl in the past for a brief while & swore she’d never do it again, eyeballs guys in stores and tells me they are hot & then tells me she wants she change her name to something male 🤦♀️. When she told me the other night that she wants to speak to someone and said that she hates her body I kind of handled it wrong & got annoyed with her saying it’s because of her friends she’s so confused. I am willing to let her talk to someone but I don’t want it to be someone who is going to assume and agree with her, I want someone to listen. She is a little immature for her age & I’m wondering if that’s half the problem here. I’m just as confused writing all this as she says she is! I truly feel that she is not transgender. As the writer said, it’s that gut instinct. Any suggestions?
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My 16 year old daughter started dressing and cutting her her very short two years ago. She changed name at school and the teachers and the counselor at school encouraged it. I never knew until someone asked me if I had changed my child’s name, I said no, but ended up asking my daughter if that’s true that she has another name. She broke down and said she’s a Trans and didn’t know how to tell us. I just found out today after two years. I m upset that she did not approach us from day one, I m upset that the teachers n counselor at school encouraged it and have been calling her the name she requested without consulting me. How am I to deal with this? Do I encourage my child to ride the wave , with her going into her phone and social media, I m afraid to make the wrong move cos what if it’s not the case if she being transgender. She’s afraid , lost too.
I am in the exact same position. The school system and psychologists encourage this behavior which is brainwashing and reinforcing a behavior and mindset that can be detrimental to the future of the child. It is ridiculous that we cannot even reason with our own children and the influences are everywhere including the schools!! No wonder our world is screwed up! These are people who should not be in the educational system since they are biased and do not know the child’s history. They are making uninformed decisions to influence our children which hinders our ability as parents to protect our own children.
Thank you. Maybe more later, but for now, thank you.
This is great information! Thank you! My daughter is going to be 18 in November and every month she brings up hormone therapy ad says she is supposed to be a boy. She wears a binder because she got big breasts at a young age. She always likes to do her hair and makeup, loves to crochet all day and loves her bubble baths.. Her dad and I feel it is society related. What do we do?
I am just putting this here as food for thought.
I did the same thing when I was younger and then “stopped” wearing male clothes, etc. I didn’t do it because it was just a phase. I did it from parents and society not accepting me. It felt easier at the time to bury it down and ignore it. My mom thought the same as you, that it confirmed to her of it being a phase.
30 years later, it boiled over. Not longer able to bury it down. And I am not sure how to feel at my parents for making me so uncomfortable about who I am that I buried it and hated my body and life for so long.
I am now finally going to transition. Which will now leave disphoria I can never change, like my skeleton, since I am well past skeletol growth age.
Now I have accepted that if my parents reject me, then I don’t need that in my life.
Parents who assume they know what’s best often do the most damage.
If her depression and anxiety suddenly sky rocket over the years, that is a serious sign she is burying it down.
Well, 2 weeks ago, our 21 year old son went to a clinic and was prescribed 2 drugs to begin his transition. This came out of nowhere. He told us that he had started thinking about this 2 or 3 years ago. He also shared that he is very depressed. I am devastated and don’t know what to do. We have scheduled 2 doctor appointments for him and he has agreed to talk with a counselor and not take these medications.
Similar situation here too. Unfortunately my son is living with my ex and got hormones a few months ago. No one asked about his history or mental health issues. He had been spending a lot time on social media with young people who were gamers and gender fluid.
Has anyone here have a trans child on autism spectrum? I read there is a connection and studies are being done!
Hi, yes, my 21 yr old son who is low spec Autistic just dropped this bomb on us. He shows no feminine signs and never has. He is attracted to women but thinks he is a woman. He is very isolated in his room on his computer and has (big surprise) a non binary friend and another friend who supports him and almost encourages him.
This is an interesting article from a different perspective. One suggestion-get the thyroid checked if depressive mood is happening. A lot of kids seem to start off having depression and then things go haywire from there. Depression can set the stage for vulnerability for other thoughts and behaviors to develop and become exacerbated particularly during a socially isolating situation like the pandemic. Issues can develop that otherwise may never have. My daughter’s TSH thyroid level was elevated, so maybe check it out.
I relate to this as a parent of a newly 13 year old daughter who has experienced a sudden transformation of style and expression during virtual schooling and the pandemic. Always the traditional girly girl, begging for and getting every princess dress ever made, tea parties galore, numerous trips to the American Girl store, always asking for make up sets for Christmas and birthdays, a vanity full of body sprays, lipstick, nail polish, and the “Justice is the best store” phase until about age 10. A cello player and classical ballet dancer for 9 years performing in many shows, always wearing a bun, ponytails, pink this and that, and enjoying applying makeup….you get the picture.
Then the pandemic hit. Virtual school started. While I was busy dealing with another challenging sibling and virtual schooling issues, she began to fill in the gaps after class with watching funny videos of animals on TikTok. (The bane of our therapist’s existence). It was innocent enough and she was doing fine, and I counted my blessings and assumed all was well. She shared what she was watching enough to where I thought she was pretty responsible. But as time went on, the TikTok videos became dance and fashion videos with female stylists and she emulated the Charlie Demelio look. Then makeup tutorials, which became a little more creative and at some point began featuring male gay or trans makeup artists which I was not aware of. She shared one on occasion and they were creative and we didn’t make too much of it. But then her period started and she like most girls was a bit taken aback, but dealt ok with that. Then the bedroom door stayed closed a lot more to drown out the battles of me trying to get the other child to complete his work. As time went on, I heard make up tutorials and dance videos coming from LGBTQ folks. Then it became clear she was getting a vocabulary education about gender terms from TikTok. As this went on, her mood changed and the clothing she wore (skinny jeans, leggings, crop tops or tigger fitting tees around the house became accented and worn in a more emo style. Then disappeared eventually altogether. What she once begged for, now she rejected. Darker and more alternative became the clothes and make up. These styles came from social media since she wasn’t around other people. She never left the house, so nobody saw the clothing change. Except for last December’s Christmas parade when she wore a bagging skater girl look with chains and teen girls on the street kept complementing her style, reinforcing to her that she was valid in her clothing selection when I had just told her earlier I wasn’t a fan (therefore, see, “Mom is wrong” was planted).
Her mood became more depressed as she remained isolated. Always a good student, she always got her work done. Regrettably,being tied up with another child’s needs, we didn’t keep a close enough eye on exactly what she was watching. She was always a typical gender identified kid and well adjusted kid who made good decisions. We let her spend WAY too much time on these platforms. That became mixed in with watching gamers play Minecraft online. They were all boys and silly but entertaining in that tween/teen way.
She sunk more into her room and when ballet class resumed in person, she was in a different class with new girls she didn’t know well. Started off okay, but she claimed she no longer felt connected to that long enjoyed activity and didn’t have any real friends as she was the youngest in the group.
She just wanted to sit in her room and watch videos. I called in the counselor concerned about depression. Well she was depressed to a degree. Her clothes moved from a dark emo (Think Hot Topic) and took on a more boyish or androgynous style, and the make up became minimal. Her mood was flat and not joyful and no longer enjoyed talking much to us. And when she did talk, her voice would sound lower, muffled and depressed. Laughter disappeared.
Counselor said she was experiencing depression and basically a victim of the circumstances of the pandemic—social isolation, starting puberty, no longer around previous friends, and brainwashed by excessive screen time on TikTok and Yourube. Music changes from mainstream pop to alt,indie,rock, Nirvana.
Therapist said her practice is filled with 11-15 year old girls who have become depressed during isolation and exclusively influenced by social media. They, and their parents are presenting with the same list of sudden changes and gender alignment concerns. It has become a phenomenon she’s never experienced. Constant feeds of social media making these situations feel mainstream and commonplace has had huge impact. For a few it’s all to the good with acceptance. For others, it’s created a minefield of confusion for kids who aren’t sure which end is up and their parents.
My daughter never exhibited any gender non conformity whatsoever prior to the pandemic. Suddenly, she didn’t like her developing body, didn’t like boobs, hips or pants that accentuated a changing physique. hid it under baggier clothing, and when middle school returned, had to make a new friend group who basically turned out to be more boys than girls. She claims they are less drama filled than girls, and easier to be friends with and more entertaining and fun. She feels more like one of the guys. She does have a few girl friends, but is now annoyed with the drama and mainstream clothing. She likes to announce that she’s not really into mainstream attire anymore. Cut her hair from super long to just above the shoulders.
Basically, I dropped the ball during the pandemic and a crucial time for brain development and social media alternative lifestyle presentations took over. So it’s my fault. Her friends gave her a little nickname at school of the opposite gender even though her pronouns are she/her. But 20 other kids in her one class block did the same thing in everyone adopting different gendered names. You kind of have to ask “What’s up with that.”
Therapist says that most kids in this situation where this has come on during the pandemic and puberty are in an overly influenced phase and will revert to their previous gender expression, but need guidance along the way. It’s a place we never envisioned being in with our daughter, and it’s hard to ride it’s course to whatever lies at the end. There’s no transitioning or medical things at play for us if that comes up, which it hasn’t, and if that were to end up the case, those things would be way into the adult years after brains have developed and experiences have been had.
The number of kids this age, particularly girls that are experiencing this is surprising and rising. You do have to wonder what’s going on here.
This could be my daughter. I only wish we could find a therapist who gets it. I don’t need anyone to change her mind, just not push her one way or the other and help her with her anxiety. In my state, it’s too dangerous to blindly go to a therapist. It’s been 18 months and I just want this nightmare to be over. I get that I’ll never have my little girl back because she’s 13 now and not 11, but she was such a proud and confident girl with many friends. Liked dresses and hair clips, trying to coordinate outfits, stealing dresses from her sister. Now she’s cynical and hates most kids and wears male clothes and keeps cutting her hair shorter and shorter. She never got old enough to wear makeup besides Halloween when she loved getting to wear it like a teenager. How much longer?
Hello,
This blog has helped me know I’m not alone. My 14 year old daughter keeps telling me she is a boy, and prefers Karl. I told her biologically that is impossible and that I will not support or pay for, any type of hormones or surgery.
I think this is clearly a mental health issue related to her mother. Her mother was an alcoholic and was very sick when she was younger. Eventually a drug overdose took her life when my daughter was just 8.
I think somewhere in that young child’s mind, she conceived that I would be happier if she were a boy, that somehow maybe it would be easier for a single dad to care for a boy instead of a girl. Prior to my wife’s death, she wore pink, did girl things, wore girl clothes, etc.
I feel partially responsible because after my wife’s death, I let her start getting into “boy” things like Avengers, Star Wars, etc. (not that girls cannot get into these things). I think this pushed her further along into thinking she was a boy.
Now, I’m very worried that she cannot get to the root cause, even though she is a very logical girl. I asked her what is more likely, she’s actually a boy or that as a little girl she conceived it would be easier for her dad if she wasn’t a girl.
I’m just at a loss and hope she will see that even though she might be a Tom Boy does not mean she is truly a boy.
I get you. A lot of the times something like this that crops up after being one way during childhood can be rooted in a trauma or change in mental health status like depression.
Currently with my daughter, the pandemic caused a lot of time to be spent on social media which provided an endless source of videos for a year of people saying they had body dysmorphia, followed by videos of “the reason you feel depressed is not because of social isolation during COVID or normal changes during puberty, it’s because you have hit puberty and don’t like the changes so you are not identifying with your body as it was made.” “See, you could ease all of that with chopping off body parts and changing hairstyles.” “This means you are LGBTQ, come escape into this world.” Its completely toxic to an isolated developing brain.
My daughter now dresses more alternative and grunge and says she only wore more mainstream clothing because she didn’t know there were other options until social media overloaded her with that during the pandemic. I told her that her mainstream style was absolutely not the reality of her childhood and she begged for every crop top and princess dress and makeup kit there was her whole life.
I told her that while she is only in middle school, we are not buying or wearing any male clothing, I don’t care that “clothing doesn’t have a gender” and while that may be true, my daughter does have a gender and how that is expressed has consequences that she can’t foresee yet. She can play with her style within some boundaries and that is one of our boundaries while she is growing up. If she has gone through puberty and college, gotten an education, a career that requires her to have a standard of dress and presentation and she feels she wants to change something, then we will support her. But because this is so contrary to her clear gender expression and identity up until the last year or so, she has a long road of going through many life stages before she should make that decision.
I think that you are all missing the point that your child could actually be serious and mean what they are saying about their gender with their whole heart, and you just disagree and dismiss their truth by saying it’s a phase or that it doesn’t matter what they want cause they might have mental health issues. You all are not getting that some people are actually capable of realizing their gender early on, while others take many years to figure it out. It hurts to know that parents won’t let their child or children to explore their identity and express themselves how they want because you think they’ll be mistreated or that they are making a mistake. I do agree that all medical transitions should take place after extensive therapy and over the age of 18 but for the sake of every child who wants to express themselves differently, let them wear what they want and express themselves, let them experiment with names and pronouns, and educate them on LGBT+ terms and such. Let them learn for them selves what works for them, not what works for you. Be supportive of your child
Thank you!
My 12 year old daughter now wants to be they them . at first it was a boy completely .. now it’s just they them she’s non-binary.
My husband and I are on total opposite ends!!!! I need to support her no matter what which means I’m not giving her body changing hormones and all that I’m just letting her cut her hair short and wear boy clothes and I’ll call her they then…my husband he is totally against it to the point where he is telling me I need to lay down the law and he told us all that people like that are messed up .obviously I need to leave him… but really can he not just get in the boat. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place I feel like… but then on the other hand I feel like I shouldn’t even be stuck clearly it’s my child all the way it’s just so hard we’ve never had to deal with this… Christmas is on the next two weeks and I feel like he is making me break the family up.. if only he could just get on the boat it’s not like we’re asking him to steer it.
Thank you to all of you who have shared your stories. My eldest daughter slid into depression during the pandemic and decided to transition. We’ve been supportive in all but hormones and surgery, but every movement towards transitioning has resulted in deeper and deeper depression. If this is truly what they wanted, why didn’t every movement towards it result in a happier person? At now almost 18, their physical decisions will be their own soon, but the counselor and psychiatrist recommended pulling them from school. So now they sit at home, smirking at TikTok all day and going nowhere with their life. We’re told to avoid confrontation about any of this for the time being. It’s incredibly difficult and hurtful to watch them slip deeper and deeper into depression with every move towards transitioning.
Now my middle daughter – 12 years old, is tracking to follow the same path, using another name at school. Privately, I’m absolutely distraught, but not showing any adverse reaction to them or publicly. We were super careful with Internet filtering, social media exposure, and yet here we are.
Counselors and psychiatrists gaslight us with suicide statistics and discourage us from facing any of this head on. I’m terrified of losing them to suicide, and terrified of my enforced inaction causing other issues.
Thank you so much. Our family is going through this and your words are so encouraging.
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Thank you. I don’t feel so alone. Our family is going through this as well and have been devastated. Not sure where to turn for help.
Thank you for being brave enough to post and help other who are in your shoes.
How do I edit my last post? I don’t want my name shown
You can’t edit a comment. Please write a new one.
Please stand FIRM on your decisions parents. I’m going through the exact same thing (My beautiful Morninglily …is now “Theo”)
And as MANY other parents have expressed ,, the more and more SHE adopts this persona ….. the deeper and deeper into depression and anger she slips.
I am NOT transphobe in ANY way whatsoever.
I KNOW my daughter better than ANYONE. And if I saw that this was truly making her HAPPY and WHOLE as a person,, I would support her 1000 percent.
In fact …. I WAS supporting her 1000 percent for a long while. UNTIL I saw how much deeper and deeper she sunk the more she adopted this ideal.
It doesn’t make her happy. It makes her ANXIOUS , ANGRY , and SAD.
THEYVE SHOWN THAT HORMONAL THERAPY CAUSES A SERIOUS WIDE RANGE OF DEBILITATING AND LIFELONG PROBLEMS for children AND adults.
No friggin WAY. Not my child. Not on my time as someone stated earlier.
And the fact that they can have these prescribed without parental consent is absolutely CRIMINAL if you ask me.
WHO is financially responsible for a child’s medical bills ?? ME.
WHO would be civilly liable if my child damaged someone’s property … or hurt another person ….. ME.
SO …. yourtelling me that I’m responsible for EVERYTHING concerning my child ,,, EXCEPT MAJOR LIFE-ALTERING PERMANENT MEDICAL DECISIONS??!?
There is something SERIOUSELY wrong with this picture.
If parents have no rights anymore ….. why don’t we just throw them out into society fresh from the womb ??
I’m sorry for being so blunt but this is insanity and our ENTIRE family is hurting at seeing how far downhill she has gone since the start of this thing.
I’m at a loss for what to do here.