This guest post by “fightingunreality,” a regular commenter on this blog, is the second in an ongoing series of accounts by women who at one time experienced gender dysphoria or the desire to become the opposite sex—but who turned away from “transition” without undergoing hormones or surgery. (The first in the series is “Abandoning the Ship of Woman,” by guest poster “Dot.”)
I am looking for more guest posts from formerly dysphoric women and girls, of all ages, who did not take steps to “transition” medically. There are some fine writings/blogs authored by detransitioned/detransitioning women who did embark upon medical transition but returned to embracing their femaleness; I will leave it to those women to continue elucidating their experiences for us. One excellent blog by a detransitioned woman is that of Maria Catt, who wrote powerfully yesterday about the hazards of transition and specifically testosterone—both from the perspective of someone who has used “T” herself, and as a worker in a medical clinic which served transgender people. Another fine blog by a detransitioned woman is “Hot Flanks,” who writes sensitively about her journey home to female after years of trans-identification.
Nothing wrong with your body that the truth can’t cure
by fightingunreality
As one of many women who have faced some of the issues confronting teenagers who call themselves “transgender,” I feel reasonably certain that, had these girls been born in an era before the all-out indoctrination that has taken place in the past decade, they would not only not be seriously considering altering their bodies; they would be developing a framework for understanding why they ever felt the female sex was not their own.
Such dysphoric females would most likely eventually connect, as I have, with other women who had the same difficulties–even if those difficulties remained unspoken. Instead of demanding hormones and surgery, these girls would be learning to cope with the ongoing changes that take place as they gradually mature, physically and socially. And it wouldn’t be easy, but nothing of importance ever is. Especially during the teenage years.
I imagine a self-identified trans teen reading this and thinking, “Eh, what could she possibly know? She was never ‘really trans’.” In response, I ask: What IS “really trans”?
Dysphoric teens often talk about depression and anxiety spiking during their middle school years, when their bodies begin changing in ways they don’t want and can’t stop; changes that feel wrong.
Do you have any idea how common these feelings are? For the longest time, I wouldn’t talk about them because I thought they were weird and embarrassing. But it turns out that a lot of my friends felt the same way and weren’t talking about it either. Nothing seems right when your body starts to change, and it doesn’t help that the hormones that are causing the changes fuel emotional highs and lows that are really intense and hard to handle. I know it doesn’t really seem like it, but things get a lot easier to deal with. It just takes time.
I remember this time period very well. I panicked. I was depressed. I didn’t know what to do because I could not imagine myself becoming what I believed it was to be a woman. I was neither like the women I knew nor those I saw on television. The idea of having to buy or wear a bra was repugnant. As a result, I did the only thing that seemed logical at the time: I hid my breasts and tried to carry on as if nothing had changed. I wore layers and vests and spent a lot of time worrying about other people noticing.
I remember feeling ashamed, especially when my older sisters made fun of me for trying to deny this development, or alternately, for acting or feeling like I was a boy (something that I never verbalized for fear of perpetual teasing). I had been obsessed with becoming a boy prior to hitting puberty, and what I considered to be my body’s betrayal seemed like the ultimate cruelty. Like some sort of unfair punishment.
Remembering those times, I wonder what it would have been like if I’d had someone I trusted who I could talk with about it–someone who understood the depth of my despair, who’d been through something similar. I did not have any such confidante. Yet in retrospect, I consider myself extremely lucky, because what I also did not have–which virtually every other child and adolescent has now–is someone who would have reinforced my belief that I really was meant to be a boy; that I was “trans.” I have to tell you, I would have bought into that belief with everything I had because I did not want to be female. I did not want to wear dresses or makeup, bleed every month, date boys or get married—ever. Being “trans” would have been the perfect out for all of those things, and once your body starts to develop, the pressure is on. Everything changes.
Thinking back, it was around age 5–the time when I started kindergarten –when I began to realize I wasn’t quite like the other girls. To be honest, I can’t even remember what activities the girls engaged in because I didn’t pay much attention. I guess it must have been dolls, since the note inscribed on my very first report card said that I didn’t like to play with them, but instead played with “trains and boys’ toys.” It made it seem like it was a bad thing–like I was bad–and I can recall from that point on a growing alienation from whatever it was that “girl” was supposed to mean. I actually remember at one point feeling sorry for *them,* for the girls, as if I weren’t one myself.
By the time puberty hit, my friends were all boys, so I guess you can imagine the additional issues that started to develop right along with my budding breasts. Suddenly the pressure was really on from the adults to act more ladylike, and there came rules about spending time alone with the boys and separating us for activities. We couldn’t play together as easily. There was increasing snark from the girls at school who marked me out as “other” for my failure to socially conform. I didn’t really need to hear their comments, though, because my changing body was a constant reminder of how I was supposed to behave and look which had nothing to do with how I felt about or saw myself. I felt trapped.
Worse, it wasn’t just the girls who had become suddenly self-conscious about their increasing need to conform: the boys who had been my peers and best friends began to see me as “other,” too. It didn’t matter that I was just as good as any of them when it came to sports, or that in a fight I would most likely win. I was a girl, and that alone altered the dynamic in our little group. It was even worse outside of our circle of friends. Individually, my friends seemed the same, but around the other boys, it was like they had to prove something to each other. Influenced by their own surging hormones, some of them began to make sexualized comments to impress each other with the pretense of worldliness, and the situation became increasingly intolerable. Former friends would dis me in the presence of others in order to get a laugh or to prove their masculinity. Hanging out with a girl wasn’t cool at this age unless it had some sort of sexual connotation. My sense of betrayal was devastating and complete.
It was at this point that I found myself alone. No longer accepted as a peer, I was closed out of the boys’ club and realized that I had little in common with the girls. I hadn’t really learned the rules very well, and from what I saw, I didn’t want to. Girls seemed helpless sometimes–interested in things that were incomprehensible to me. They began to cover the backs of their notebooks with popular boys’ names, plus theirs, surrounded by hearts. I just didn’t get it. It was pretty clear that I did not really fit in: I was not like them, and I certainly wasn’t going to grow up to be like their moms who I understood even less. I had no role models–I knew no one like me. As an adult, I can acknowledge a multitude of contributing factors, but at the time I could see only one real source of my pain: my body had betrayed me. I was alone, I was depressed, and I couldn’t see any way out of my situation. I felt like a mistake and I too often just wanted to be dead. As it was, I did what I could to simply hide. I sought invisibility and spent a lot of time by myself.
What if, along with my rejection of my maturing body, my growing depression, the loss of my peer group and my increasing alienation, I’d been told that there was a cure? I, along with a number of my friends, have asked that question. What if I’d been told that I must have a “male brain” or that there was science that showed that I had a “medical condition” that caused all of the problems? What would I have done? It didn’t happen, fortunately, but I think I understand my former self well enough to know: I would have attributed all of my social difficulties to that “condition.” I would have believed that if I could just fix that “condition,” all of the other issues would be resolved or at least lessened. They were, after all, entirely related to being the wrong sex. Weren’t they?
Having been raised in a very religious household, I actually believed as a young child that god would give me a boy’s body if I prayed often enough and hard enough. As a result, every time I was made aware that I was, in fact, a girl, I would repeat my litany with the sincere belief that my prayers would be answered. I would imagine myself as having changed, as having all the qualities I believed that entailed. When I showered, I’d plaster my soapy hair to my head so it would feel and look short. I’d shape lather on my face in the form of a beard, imagining how I would look when things were “fixed.” Each time, as my fantasy washed away, I would experience an even greater disappointment in the reality I faced. The more I engaged in the fantasy in its varying forms, the more distressed I was at what was: my body seemed to grow worse and I prayed even harder. I bargained with god, formulated deals, but each morning I awoke to the same disappointment. Despite my lack of progress, I continued praying for a few years because I convinced myself that my long-term dedication would somehow prove my faith, and that would make a difference. It was only the loss of that faith which eventually caused me to give up: I became convinced that god couldn’t hear me. I hadn’t lost my body shame, only the idea that there was anything I could do about it.
Testosterone and mastectomies don’t require a god or magic–just money and a psychologist’s approval. It’s a real thing that you can find out about now without even trying. You can watch hours of videos online as some girls/women sprout beards and their voices are lowered. You can see them pose with fading scars, pectoral muscles now hormonally enlarged and visible in the absence of those hated breasts. You can read all of the accompanying comments supporting her choice and your desire, and you can find a ready-made community to replace the one you lost, to accept and agree with the idea that something is terribly wrong with the way you are now that can be fixed with hormones and surgery. They’ll even tell you how to go about getting them. This is a real thing. But the magical thinking involved is the belief that you can actually change your sex; that you will be indistinguishable from actual males. The unreality of this is easy enough to overlook if you want something bad enough, even if you have no way of knowing what it actually means to be what you want. With “gender reassignment” and T, there’s no need to ever give up hoping for a miracle, because unlike god, the purveyors of gender change are listening very closely. They even advertise, making sure you can hear them. They are waiting for you. They’ve published books to help you, a teen, lay out all of the talking points that will help you convince your parents that you need this “cure.” They’ve made it easy.
As it was, as a teen, I had nothing of the sort. Oh, I’d heard of “sex change” operations, and for awhile clung to the idea of one as I tried to maintain that possibility, but the reality was that they were still really rare and impossible for someone so young and with no money, and there was no question that my family would not approve. As a result, I was forced to face reality. I was female, and I had to accept that and do what it took to learn to navigate the world as such.
One of the interesting things that happens when someone wants something badly is that they begin to fantasize about having it. They imagine themselves in possession of their want and it gives them pleasure, the fantasy itself becoming the reward. Unfortunately, reality is not changed and it often seems even worse or even less real when compared to what has been imagined. For myself, I know that the more I visualized myself as a boy, the worse I felt about who I actually was. The more I saw myself as being what I wanted, the more that want took on the characteristics of a need, something that I had to have; that I could not live without. I was wrong, of course, but had “gender reassignment” existed back then, it would have served as the material manifestation of that need –the promise of a wish fulfilled, that which god would not grant me. There would have been no reason for me to resolve the conflict that I had with my body. The time and experience I had which allowed me to come to terms with my sex would have been spent instead on fueling the same fantasy which had intensified my previous despair: my fantasy visualization would have prolonged my rejection of my body, and the degree of my dysphoria and dysmorphia would have increased.
As it was, I went through an intensely lonely and depressing time, but at some point, after about a year I guess, one of the girls in my class decided to befriend me. To be honest, I think it was because she felt sorry for me, but really, I didn’t care why. What mattered is that through her I gained entry into her circle of friends and my isolation ended. It would, of course, be convenient to slap some happy ending on the story and tell you that all was happily ever after from that point, but I think that kind of thing only happens in made-for-TV movies. I was still a teenager, with adolescent mood swings and depression, and I still was not one with my body. I had my issues, and so did my new friends. We were all pretty messed up, but at least we were messed up together.
In retrospect, I think it’s highly likely that I would have been dragged irretrievably into the world of crime and drugs that many of them fell into had my love of sport not provided a diversion from complete immersion into that subculture. Title IX had just been passed the year before, and even my small rural school was forced to provide some girls’ sport teams in order to comply. It wasn’t the football or baseball that I had formerly enjoyed playing with the boys, but basketball provided me with the opportunity to develop and prove my strength and my skill in a way that as a girl I had been denied. Not only did the physical activity help me gain a new relationship with my body –which believe me, was a very, very big deal. But for the first time, I was in constant contact with other girls whose strength and ability I admired, and with whom I could develop a sense of camaraderie and teamwork. I think maybe it was the first time I really realized that female was something to be.
The bravest and smartest and strongest people I have known have always been women. I just had to open my eyes to see it.
I am not “trans.” I never was “trans.” I was a girl, a female who’s grown up in a culture that makes us feel like less because of our sex. It is a world that teaches us that our opinions are not valued, that our knowledge is incomplete, that we are weak and that we are never safe if we go out alone. It is a place where we’re made to feel that merely being female is an invitation to men to do what they will despite our objections. To be female in this age and this place is to be convinced that the more we mature, the more limited our options become, and it is this belief we must resist, not our sexed bodies.
For myself, I was lucky. I managed to arrive at maturity at a time when women were actively fighting to shatter these myths and I was able to hear their voices over the constant murmurings of those who had and would define me by my use to them. These women were not popular then—they were mocked and reviled just as women are now, but they would not be silenced. Their words let me know that I had truly never wanted to be a boy, but rather that I didn’t want the limitations that were being forced on me as a girl. I was–we all are–more than our culture tells us we can be, and ultimately, there’s nothing wrong with your body that the truth cannot cure.
If you can manage to listen to the voices of the strong women who came before you, voices that are currently being drowned out by the popular trans-narrative, you may just hear them, too.
Reblogged this on There Are So Many Things Wrong With This.
I’m so glad you found a way to be just you. No-one else is better qualified, and in the end you were smart enough to listen to that. Bravo.
Although I appreciate the compliment, I don’t really think that intelligence has much to do with it. To be honest, luck seems to have played a greater role. I was fortunate enough to have grown up in the country in a place and time when play and freedom of movement was less restricted. The 2nd wave came along right when I most needed it allowing me to ditch the mandatory dresses, eschew makeup, take high school classes in subjects that actually interested me (shop and even drafting classes were forbidden to girls just a year older than I), and play team sports. To top it off, the gay rights movement was just making progress in the mainstream when I finally got on the clue-bus as to *why* I had no interest in going out with boys. (I know, right?)
But now all of these advancements are being undone. Instead of being “free to be you and me,” the kids are being told they ultimately *must choose* between “this or that.”
I think about these children now- the overt effort that is being exerted to *ensure* that they will believe that something is actually wrong with them that requires medicalization and I truly despair. Can you imagine being read a picture book about how you can be born in the wrong body exactly at the time when you are encountering peer gender socialization for the first time? Anyone who has bothered to read anything about the manner in which gender roles are learned KNOWS that children’s understandings of gender are very rigid and simplistic. To quote: “Up until the age of 7 or 8, studies have noted that children have very definite ideas about what is considered appropriate for boys and girls (Trautner et al., 2005). Past this age, they begin to accept that boys and girls may share similarities and their concepts of gender appropriate behaviour and interests become more flexible.” (http://sexualityandu.ca/uploads/files/CTR_GenderRolesAndYoungChildren_MAY2013-ENG.pdf )
For myself, I know that it was specifically during this time period that I began to feel “wrong” because of peer “correction” and things just went downhill from there. How the hell are these kids now supposed to “become more flexible” when all of the adults are teaching them that if their “gender identity” doesn’t match, they need to change their bodies so that it does? Their “cure” is creating the disease.
Thank you for this. It fleshes out an experience that I never knew but which some peers of mine did go through, some 40-odd years ago. Their reflections are similar to yours. I tend to discount the Tumblr/YouTube effect on susceptible adolescents simply because it all seems so unlikely to this oldster (why would you want to mess a perfectly nice body?, etc). But your story and the tale of Ms 4thWave’s daughter are corrective reminders.
Reblogged this on TERFs up!.
Reblogged this on Stop Trans Chauvinism.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write your story. You are the voice of a strong woman – and your voice will eventually save many young women from ‘transition’.
This is very well-written and touching, thank you! It sounds like you are a lesbian but you barely mentioned that. One of the notable things about this situation is that lots of girls with gender dysphoria are lesbians and they are not finding any GNC lesbian role models, only “trans” ones. The lesbians we see on TV are usually feminine and there doesn’t seem to be much support for homosexuality any more now that gay is “out” and trans is “in.”
According to the handful of studies that have been conducted, virtually *all* of the children that are being “transitioned” are either same-sex attracted or are bisexual (the vast majority being same-sex attracted- especially the females where the numbers approach 100%). The clinicians promoting “transition” know this- they absolutely know this. (Prior to the establishment of the “disorder” of “gender identity disorder in childhood,” the behaviors were referred to as “pre-homosexual.”)
There are, in truth, a lot of factors which contribute to children’s –especially adolescents’ –dissociation with their bodies, but the obvious connection between sexuality/future sexuality should send up a red flag to anyone who claims to be concerned about “reparative therapy” or gay and lesbian rights.
What was surprising when my daughter came out as trans was when I mentioned to her that I thought she might have been a lesbian. She then shouted a reply, “LESBIAN!?!?! How could you think that?” That response seemed very odd. It’s ok to be trans, just not lesbian. Her best friend (a girl) and her mother also thought that she was going to come out as a lesbian. It’s really sad. I would be proud if she were a lesbian.
Thank you for this! I have been following your comments (your writing is beautiful) and very much appreciate you getting this information out there. It is a much needed counterbalance to all of the bad advice found online.
Thankyou for this beautifully written account of your experiences. I hope eveyone who reads this will bookmark it for future dissemination, as will I. You have done young women a huge service by sharing your story. In the absence of visible, outspoken role models, this peice is a gift. Thankyou again.
I had dysphoria and wanted to transition for several years as a teenager. I would be happy to talk about this and share details, however I’m not sure how relevant that would be to the focus of this blog:
– I still have mental health issues, hate my body, and don’t really enjoy or feel proud of being female. (I probably feel better than I would if I were having an endless round of drugs and surgery, however.)
– My parents didn’t approve of gender nonconforming behaviour and are, I think, quite different from most of the parents who post here
– These events happened 8-9 years ago: Tumblr wasn’t around, YouTube was still fairly new, there was less trans coverage in the press (I think the only “famous” trans figure I’d ever heard of was Kim Petras.) My doctor wasn’t well informed about the idea of teenagers being trans, and said he couldn’t help me – a major reason for me not transitioning was that I felt it was hopeless and I wouldn’t be taken seriously by doctors. My school had no GSA (I don’t know if the UK even has them!) and the staff weren’t trained on what to do if a child says s/he is trans. I’d never heard of the idea of being “genderqueer” etc. or choosing one’s own gender identity. All of this might be quite different today.
– There’s a focus here on the idea of helping teens accept LGB identities rather than label themselves trans. Since I’m straight, I can’t talk on that score (another reason for my not transitioning was that I was afraid of how I would be treated if living as a gay man)
I’ll be glad to get in touch if you still think this would fit …
Georgia, would love to have a guest post from you. The more different experiences are shared, the better. And it’s absolutely true that there are straight kids being caught up in this trend. The girls end up identifying as gay men, with an attendant set of problems–including but not limited to higher HIV risk, and not being able to find gay male partners–because most gay men want to be with actual, biological men.
I’m a middle-aged gay man, liberal as they come, but after watching the whole Caitlyn Jenner train-wreck unfold I was incredibly disturbed. There is really so little credible information available online about this sociological phenomenon, and it seems that the feminist community, or what is left of it, is the sole canary-in-the-coal-mine. I’m so grateful to you for shedding some objective light on this craziness. I just cannot understand how the gay ‘community’ can so blindly and stupidly stand behind such insane non-science. As a boy, being non-athletic and artistic, I was extremely gender non-conforming. It terrifies me to think that, if I was the same teenager today, I would probably be on the road to transitioning, having been fed the endless cacophony of lies that is the trans movement. Thank you so much for continuing to be a light, please keep up this fight!!
And thank you for adding your voice here! Are you aware of the new initiative called LGB Voice, which is working to decouple the “T” from the LGB?
http://lgbvoice.org/
I lived in San Francisco in the early 1980s. And saw the pre-AIDS crisis gay male culture there. It was cheery, sardonic, iconoclastic toward sex roles. You could be walking down the street and see a man in a nun’s habit on rollerskates go by on his way to do or say something funny. It was a group call of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. There was very much a group identity that emphasized bacchanal all the time. That had its downside. But the feeling was always of liberation from the rules. And the rules always included sex roles. Ideas about having to be ‘man enough’. That you can’t be cheery or like clothes or express an emotion. There was never any separation between the awareness that sex role ideas were a mindfuck and of the horrible right wingers (this was the Age of Reagan) who wanted to destroy the wonderful gay people. Sorry, the ‘fabulous’ gay people.😉 Trans has nothing in common with any of that. It’s angry self-mutilation in service of conformity.
I’m not a radical feminist, and am pretty liberal I suppose – a bit Paleo conservative – but, I’m concerned, and I disagree with how strict gender roles are for *children* these days, (if they were middle class children in Victorian days, as little girls they would have been allowed to romp, and as little boys, in dresses with long hair, until they were at least six, often with plenty of lace).
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I related with so much in your experiences I have to share it with my mom, with a “Here, look! This is exactly it!” Two years ago after I had a bit of a breakdown I reconnected with my 5-year-old self and realized it was then I first hit that wall of “being different,” and then hit another in my teens through the effects of my orientation – so similar to what you describe. Unfortunately I was a bit later on in the timeline and didn’t get opportunity to shed the pressures of clothes/femininity/etc. – alas, no sports for me, either!
Every single time I read experiences like this though, it just makes me feel so much better not only about my own trials but also the suffering I see going on among today’s young women. If we can only get the word out there that there is another way possible, that we can be whole in ourselves – it’s not easy, but it’s there – maybe, just maybe, we can start to turn things around.
This line, by the way: “The bravest and smartest and strongest people I have known have always been women. I just had to open my eyes to see it.” makes me tear up every time I read it over.
This is wonderful. And a wonderful piece of writing. All the stuff you say about having a fantasy about being different from what you are, and indulging in the fantasy making you more unhappy, is perfect. That’s a thing. How can psychotherapists who certainly should know that, support the trans garbage? It’s so enraging. Because it is also very sad for the people who get caught up in it. Realizing in 10 years when the tide goes out on transmania that you mutilated yourself with T and mastectomy, that’s going to make a person feel better about their body? ‘Iatrogenic Body Dysmorphia’ is what they’ll call it.
I’ve been thinking this whole phenomenon among teens and young adults should be reclassified as part of the Body Dysmorphia Chronicles. In other words that area of psychiatry that deals with body hatred issues. And not in some newly tricked out area of psychiatry to do with ‘gender’. And your story certainly is congruent with that. I also think the broader trans story is about sexual fetishists intentionally creating a fake rights movement.
A word on Shop: I wasn’t allowed to do Shop. So I’m probably a tad bit older than you. For two years my older brother came home at lunch every day with the cool stuff he made in what was called Industrial Arts at our school. Wooden stuff, stuff made on the lathe, the ugly soldered tin box (ew, I didn’t wanna make one of those), all kinds of stuff made by bending and gluing together various shades of orange and amber lucite (mid 70s colours). And I just assumed that I would get to do that too. After all I had done pottery classes since I was eight, this was like pottery classes. Making stuff. When I hit grade 7 (12 years old) it turned out girls weren’t allowed to do Industrial Arts. We had to do Home Ec, ie sewing and cooking.🙄 A couple of the girls said we wanted to do Industrial Arts, so the school came up with this creepy plan where you had to find a boy who would switch for one term into Home Ec. So the grade 7 boys ended up having total power over which girls did and didn’t get to do Industrial Arts. For one term. I didn’t. But think about that. Why would the school even care? Why was it sex segrated in the first place? Crazy crazy ideology.
Thank you for a wonderful post.
While my own story is not exactly like this, it certainly has its similarities. And, I’m still pretty non-conforming (short hair, mostly wear tees, jeans, and sneakers, no to light makeup, love what society thinks are male pursuits — yes, sports of all kinds). And, still, I have a daughter who thinks she’s a boy and that she can’t be herself in her female body, even with a mother who doesn’t look or even behave like most of her friends’ moms.
I hope one day she’ll realize we loved her too much to lie to her like the rest of the world feels compelled to do.
What I’ve learned (and your story is similar to mine, katiesan), is that a feminist or “gender nonconforming” mother is no guarantee that our daughters won’t fall prey to this stuff. Social media, and the atmosphere in schools, the influence of peers, has a huge effect.
This post has been picked up by some very conservative websites in the last couple of days. They point the finger at parents, claiming that we let our kids rule the roost when they were little, that we didn’t keep our kids off social media when we should have. But any parent of a contemporary teen knows well that you can’t just cut off all Internet access. They need it for school. They have smartphones. And cutting it off entirely only makes it a “forbidden fruit” that they will find a way to eat elsewhere (say, at a friend’s house).
I do believe that our example as strong women, and our message we give to them that we are only resisting “transition” out of love, will eventually get through to them. At least some of them, even if they aren’t listening right now. Teen girls all seem to go through a phase where they want to be “not mom.” They need to differentiate from us, and “becoming a man” is about as a big an individuation process as anyone could imagine. I’m not at all saying that’s the main reason behind girls coming out as “trans men.” But it’s one of many factors that play into it.
It seems that when in doubt, many people will blame the parents. I think it is an easy way to discount this whole trans kids epidemic.
They probably don’t want to think that their own children, grandchildren, nieces or nephews could be at risk of this “contagion.” Sad to say, though, they would be wrong. There is a mind-boggling amount of pro-trans misinformation online, along with trans popularity in the media and in schools. I’m sure their own children have been exposed as well. I just hope none of their children fall prey to the trans trap. It is not something I would wish on anyone. It is a huge nightmare and not for the faint of heart.
This seems like a good spot to mention we have no idea what the notions are in the heads of teenagers (or adults) about what this sex change process actually gets you. Are the teenage girls who think that they’re ‘really a man’ assuming that they go to the doctor, the doctor does things and they end up with a fully working penis? One that does erections. They’re teenage girls, do they know what an erection actually is? What it looks like, feels like to touch? Do they know how men have orgasms? As a teenager before I was sexually active I didn’t. Nor did I even think about it. Do they understand that if you could graft an actual penis onto a girls body it would leave the torso where our pubic bone is. In other words if you’re a girl your urethra snakes all the way down your pubic area and comes out between your labia. If you’re a man it exits the body much higher up. That puts a huge limitation on how similar your surgically altered body will be to an actual man’s. And do these teenage girls, influenced by the misinformation on Tumblr etc., think that hormones are some kind of magic potion? (Teenagers today grew up on Harry Potter.) That will simply make you into another person. A lot of people think a lot of things will ‘make you into another person’. Psychotherapy has been making out like a bandit for decades because people want to believe that. And then there’s the whole problem of teens and young women thinking they’re gonna wind up looking like David Duchovny and they end up looking like Danny DeVito. Picture the scene, a teenager asked, “if as a man you’d look like Danny DeVito would you still want to be a man?” We don’t know what any given kid is imagining actually happens. (With my apologies to Danny DeVito.)
Well, you know, at first it probably IS like magic in a way, I’m sure. I’ve watched many FTM transition video logs that chronicle the process from pre-T to years later (sometimes). Testosterone is a powerful drug–yeah, a potion. The way their voices change, the muscles, the body and facial hair. It’s all they (thought) they wanted. But all we ever see are the honeymoon videos. People drop off, they vanish, later on. When the magic fades, then what?
Reply to fourthwave, OMG I had no idea they were like that. I avoid looking at things like that. I would just cry. Do they talk about penises at all? Or is it like characters in a primetime TV show, ‘down there’ is never spoken about with any specificity?
There are hundreds (thousands?) of these videos. They talk about any and everything. I’ll spare you the details…but it’s easy to find them. Their are lots of post-surgery updates from the ones who go that route.
I stumbled upon this in rather circuitous way, but am very glad I found it. The only thing I have in common with the mother who runs the blog and the guest blogger is that I am a woman. I come from the complete opposite side of the social and political spectrum, what you guys would refer to as the right wing. I am deeply religious. I was raised in a deeply religious family and have chosen to be deeply religious as an adult. I am very grateful for the stories and insight shared here, especially this guest post. My heart aches at the trials and tribulations you have survived and continue to traverse. I just want you to know that we don’t have to be the same to have compassion for one another. I believe you and the mom running the blog and others like you are incredibly courageous. It is difficult in this world to stand strong in what you believe and to adhere to the truth in the face of tremendous pressure. Thank you for sharing your journey and for helping me better understand people who are different from me.
I welcome people from all political and religious persuasions to contribute here. I’m glad you found us. We have one very important thing in common: protecting our children.
And I too, come to this from a very different position from you. I am an atheist, and I find it baffling that there are so many people pushing this collection of ideas about sex/gender: that certain activities/interests/clothing are only appropriate to one sex (a girl child who plays with trucks should be expected to grow up to be a man), that one can have a sex opposite of one’s bodily sex (as if they have a homunculus fighting their actual body) that extremely rare birth defects of genitals justify the idea that sex is not binary but a “spectrum” (like autism?) and that society must be deconstructed to make spaces for people who think their body’s sex is an impediment to their happiness, even if it creates trouble and unhappiness for the majority of the people, as well as not creating happiness for those who enact these changes.
The fact that people of so many different backgrounds see something wrong with the transgender movement, ideology and political demands suggests that this objection does not just emerge out of a closed-minded political allegiance, groupthink or brainwashing.
I think the most important thing you said is that we don’t have to be the same to have compassion for one another. To me, it is one of the highest elements of humanity to have compassion for someone with whom one disagrees.
Trish, that was fantastic. I’m an atheist too, so know full well that objecting to the trans ideology is not religion based.
The way you spell out what trans claims is so crisp and clear. When I spend a lot of time thinking about this stuff I think I lose track of how loopy the transgender ideology claims are. They really are saying that girls who play with trucks should grow up to be a man. And the homunculus (little person in your head) thing, exactly! They won’t admit it but they really are claiming that there are male and female souls. They say ‘brain’ but that’s what they mean. Elsewise how would their feeling trump their body? It’s because their feeling/true self is really their soul. In this bizarre, bullshit and dishonest construction. 😒
petuniacat00 is on to something here:
[[“They won’t admit it but they really are claiming that there are male and female souls. They say ‘brain’ but that’s what they mean. Elsewise how would their feeling trump their body?”]]
Then you have people wondering how psychiatric professionals, who must know better, are disregarding basic knowledge about fantasy and growing up. Or recommending drugs and operations over the phone, without ever seeing or even talking to the patient. Even witchdoctors would look at that and go “man, professionalism is declining out there…”
Let me throw you a crazy idea. Though I’m sure many of us here have been called that before, by people who just didn’t get us.
What if this IS, in a twisted way, about souls – because the people doing are being pushed by a religion? Call it a splinter sect of Leftism. It has religious dogma based on faith, madrassas (with football teams, even!) that teach rote doctrine (hence “safe spaces”), and decentralized fatwas. Its template is medieval in structure, with an Annointed clerisy, Entitled beneficiaries (often “professional class”), and Benighted true believers. For the rest, it has heretics, an Inquisition, and public auto-da-fes. And it demonstrates, in a variety of different ways, that it will have no other religions before it – and no option for agnostics other than submission and belief. As Mel Brooks would say: “you can’t Torquemada anything!” 🙂
Look around you, check what’s going on against this template, and think about it.
I think…. I think we’re fighting for more than just our children here. A religion that countenances doing such things to children, as mere collateral damage, isn’t going to have a lot of scruples about what it might do to those who become targets of its outright hate.
These people aren’t just deluded. They’re dangerous. And if we let their power grow, it isn’t going to stop at our kids. In the face of that, do any of our differences here really matter?
I feel like I understand where you’re coming from, Joe.
On several occasions– especially when going over the DSM and considering what *they* have determined to be acceptable vs. unacceptable behavior– I’ve wondered if the APA/WHO etc. has replaced the church in its function as arbiter of ethics/morality. It seems as though the more “secular” we become as a society, the more the “secular” institutions take on the role of religion including the more unfortunate aspects such as coming from a “higher authority” and being *beyond question*
The APA wasn’t really that great of an authority during most of the last century. The DSM was just beginning to be accepted in the 70s as a diagnostic guide, and it was not “the way the truth and the light” like it is now.
It’s hard to remember that time, but most of us lived through it. We also lived through their established failures in judgement such as those regarding homosexuality and even the use of electrical shock aversion therapy to “cure” it.
Now they’re advising us that we all have this fixed, probably innate “gender identity” which does call to mind what the clerics of the past considered our *soul.* What is the motivation for this belief, and is it really that different? The draconian means by which it is being imposed on us and our children does lend itself to further questioning.
And, of course, it’s not just the APA which is seen as an infallible authority. Doctors, surgeons, “gender specialists,” all are cited by activists to shut up critics, when there is no evidence at all that “gender identity” is innate or that “transition” is the appropriate cure. And to add to the list of things that the medical/psychological establishment got wrong in the recent past, how about clitoridectomy to cure masturbation?
http://www.urpress.com/store/viewItem.asp?idProduct=14559
Or lobotomy to cure mental illness?
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/03/21/the-surprising-history-of-the-lobotomy/
Both of these “treatments” were used in the United States, in the not-distant past.
It’s almost funny that you mention the 70’s because the indoctrination and all the religious connotations regarding souls remind me of those movies when I was a kid that were so popular. (The Omen, Believers, etc.). The fear of being controlled by a force larger than ourselves that we cannot control.
I am not atheist but not practicing any religion. I do agree that it seems the further removed from any formal religion, society seems to be replacing it with new beliefs, icons or things.
As an added thought, I wonder who is pushing the “spectrum of genders/gender identity” as opposed to the “opposite binary” as transgender seems to be only about. I mean, my own daughter has argued that there are more than 2 genders, but then decides that she is the 1 direct opposite of the 1 gender as she was born.
People who embrace trans do that. Fail to understand that a spectrum and changing sides in a ‘binary’ aka a dichotomy, aren’t the same. The crazy made up ‘genders’ are a subculture, obviously. Chiefly lurking on tumblr. Here’s a satire on that
https://purplesagefem.wordpress.com/2015/11/23/video-tumblrize-your-sexuality/
Hope it helps in some small way. And not meant to trivialize your situation.
Hi,
I was wondering if you could give thoughts on my situation. I have feelings of dysphoria like you but I am a male and have feelings of being a female. I am not a flamboyant male or really feminine. I do dress in feminine clothes when I am at my house though. I used to wear feminine clothes when I was around kindergarten age too. I stopped for a little and tried on feminine clothes once when I was in about second grade. I stopped again and picked it up again in sixth grade and haven’t stopped since. I am now a freshman in college. In sixth grade I never really heard about trangender individuals or people who switched but I did desire to have female breasts. I remember after the first couple times of dressing in feminine clothes I was looking up “male breast enhancements” on google. As I got older I started trying on makeup too and shaved my body hair for the first time last summer.
** This section below is graphic but just thought I would include just in case**
As far as romantic/sexual relationships go, I have never been in a romantic relationship with any sex. I have had sex once with a guy. I don’t really envision myself in a romantic relationship with a guy. i do envisiona romantic and sexual relationship with a girl. Though I don’t know if this is true sexual feelings or just my desire to have female characteristics. I do get aroused when I wear feminine clothes or think about wearing them. I was also wearing feminine clothes when I had sex with the guy. I am not sure if dressing femininely is just a way for me to be with a girl without actually having to be with a girl.
I not trying to imply that feminine clothes, makeup, shaving legs, etc. mean I must be female or these are female things. i am just trying to be specific on what I do and how I feel. i am sorry if it seems I am perpetuating the binary gender stereotypes. I know by default I am influenced by societies binary gender and misogynistic attitudes. I don’t hold the belief that women are only important for sex, provocative clothing means you ask for it, and other misogynist things like this. I do know that i probably have a bias against women just because of how society has influenced me. I have tried to receive help online but most people who offer help are the pro-transition crowd. I have seen a therpaist for 4 years but have never brought these feelings up. I hope to bring it up with him my next session which is in 2 weeks. I would like input from people who don’t believe in the traditional binary gender ideas and dont believe in transition. If you know any therpists that hold these same type of ideas that are in the Massachusetts area or just anywhere that would be helpful too.
Sorry for the huge blocks of text but any help would be appreciated, Thanks.
Hey, Jose-
It has to be really hard being in your situation, and I empathize with you. Unfortunately, as a woman I have no experience in dealing with the kind of problems that you’re facing. I think it’s good that you’re going to talk to a professional about it, and I pray that you’ll find someone who understands that overcoming your gender/sexual discomfort is something that can be resolved without trying to force you down the ‘transition’ path.
Thanks it means a lot. I hope to figure something out
Jose, I have asked Third Way Trans, a detransitioned man and psychology graduate student, to respond to your comment and request here. I highly recommend his blog. He is a thoughtful, compassionate man who understands better than most what you might be going through. He is also advocating for alternatives to transition, and is an important voice encouraging therapists who work with dysphoric youth to offer their clients something besides a diagnosis of transgender. See here:
http://www.thirdwaytrans.com/
Hi Jose,
I suspect we are already in touch, and if so I will reply to you shortly. If we are not in touch, do feel free to write to me at my blog http://www.thirdwaytrans.com I think it is possible to find ways to work with these feelings other than transition and we can talk more. I don’t have any specific recommendations for therapists in Massachusetts unfortunately.
Thanks I have heard of the blog and read some stuff but I think I need to read more once I get more time. Thanks for helping me out and running this blog.
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