by Brie J
Brie J is the mother of a teen who temporarily believed she was a trans boy.
We appear to be living in an age of heightened ideological dualism and false dichotomies. Nowhere is this more obvious than if you’re the parent of a gender-engrossed young person, and you’re desperate for objective information about how to best support your loved one. But parents who turn to the Internet to learn about the seemingly sudden distress that’s gripped their children are likely to find only one response: “affirmation.”
What does “affirmation” mean in this context? If you thought it meant affirming (as in acknowledging the reality of) a child’s distress and other assorted negative feelings surrounding their expected adherence to sex-rooted gender norms, you’d be mistaken. Increasingly, affirmation means confirming a child’s belief that there is something incongruent between their body and their mind and the belief that their body is afflicted by a kind of birth defect that only appears around puberty. To hear many trans advocates and certain clinicians tell it, the natural development of a sexed body is traumatic, dangerous, and possibly even deadly.
Like just about every other social and political issue currently being debated, the approach to helping kids uncomfortable in their born bodies could be drawn on a spectrum with a wide field of grey between the two opposing ends: blanket affirmation of born-in-the wrong-body rhetoric on one side, and wholesale invalidation of a young person’s feelings and beliefs on the other.
I want to encourage all those concerned with this issue to take a deep breath and try their hardest to assume positive intent on behalf of all parents struggling to help their children. Claims of “child abuse” from both sides against obviously caring parents need to stop. A little empathy will go a long way toward encouraging more productive and meaningful conversations. Most parents, regardless of where they stand on the affirm-or-not spectrum, want the same thing: healthy, actualized, contented children.
For my part, I want to widen the scope of what it means to offer “affirmation” and encourage those who are skeptical of medical interventions to embrace validating their children’s discomfort. At the same time, I want to encourage those researching and caring for dysphoric youth to recognize that a large percentage of parents are already doing that: affirming their children’s distress, fully in support of their gender atypicality, and also, when needed, seeking out specialized mental health care for underlying issues prior to agreeing to hormonal and surgical interventions.
When my now teen daughter was four years old, I happened upon a philosophy of parenting that at once sounded both ludicrous and wonderful. “Radical unschooling,” I read, was practiced by parenting according to principles, not rules, and by nourishing a rich relationship built on trust between parent and child. I decided to forgo punishments in favor of seeing my child’s behavior as communication, which at that age, was often grounded in an unmet need or frustration. I prioritized not only supporting her interests, no matter how odd (road kill), or silly (The Wiggles), or redundant (The Wiggles), but also tried my hardest to understand what was interesting about the things my daughter chose to pursue.
Unschooling is often misunderstood as being “child-led.” It isn’t. According to Pam Sorooshian, one of my parenting and unschooling mentors:
The term, “child-led learning,” does emphasize something very important – that the child is the learner! I couldn’t agree more. However, it also disregards the significant role played by the parent in helping and supporting and, yes, quite often taking the lead, in the investigation and exploration of the world that is unschooling.
So when my 11-year-old daughter revealed to me that she thought she was a boy inside, I approached the news from the framework of partnered exploration. I supported her by listening, by learning about her interest, by doing research she couldn’t do for herself, by talking to others and talking about all kinds of things with others while she was near, by finding specialists who could help, and also by asking:
Why…?
Where do you think that comes from?
What does that mean to you?
How else could this be different?
What can I do?
I had always (already) accepted my kind, curious, creative, quirky, stereotype-bending child. There was never a second when I considered not walking beside her as she struggled with feeling wrong in her developing body. As she sorted through trauma and grief and went through the stages of forming her unique identity, our parental support was critical to keeping her safe.
I told her I would love her no matter what and help her however I could and that I would always have her back. I told her I didn’t care who she loved, how she dressed, or what name she chose to use.
I told her I didn’t think she was really a boy but I understood she wanted to be one. I told her I wasn’t convinced there was enough evidence that hormonal interventions would serve her well long-term.
I asked her what boys could do that she couldn’t? Why being a boy would be better? I listened. I affirmed her distress, her confusion, and her desire as valid emotions. I empathized as much as I could. I helped her find ways to feel stronger, to BE stronger, to feel safer, more secure, and better able to manage discomfort and ambiguity. Because I had spent her childhood up to this point prioritizing our relationship and not my position of authority, she trusted me to help her get what she wanted, which was to feel better about herself and her place in the world. I was lucky in one way: My child was still young enough that we both had the luxury of ample time to work on this together (unlike some rapid-onset older teens and their parents).
The vast majority of parents who read and contribute to 4thwavenow may not be radical unschoolers, but they still unconditionally love and accept their children. In fact, it is precisely because they unconditionally love and accept their children that they want more than anything to help them find ways to be at peace with themselves. No parent is perfect; all of us make mistakes, get frustrated, say or do the wrong thing at times. But despite (or even because of) our blunders, we can grow along with our children. We can model empathy, open-minded curiosity, a willingness to apologize when we get it wrong, and acceptance of ambiguity. In other words, we can and we do model a different kind of affirmation.
Thank you Brie for this post. I am one of the many parents with a transgender-announcing older teen. Your approach of unschooling with your child is similar to what us parents assume our young adult children would get from a therapist. A therapist who would ask the questions you were able to ask your child….Why? Where do you think that comes from? What does that mean to you? How else could this be different?
It’s not unusual for young adults to find it difficult to discuss heavy personal topics with their parents and to turn to others. The others now, due to informed consent and a removal of any safeguarding requirement, are more likely to be peers and the internet vs. a psychotherapist who would ask those questions and help a troubled client work through alternative choices.
Alas, affirmation now means only the question What can I do? which is write a prescription.
The question, “What can I do?” is answered with one scenario. I will affirm you and help you transition because to not do so will result in suicide.
How can any parent make a truly informed choice when they really have nothing to choose from? This is a failure on the part of medical professionals to adopt a very risky and trendy solution to a very complicated problem. Add into the mix, a push to entrench our culture with an absurd notion that there is such a thing as gender identity, which can be medicalized, is really the steaming pile of poo on top of an already difficult feeling of gender dysphoria and puberty.
That’s a hard pass. I don’t believe in the religion of gender ideology. I simply don’t and I won’t have that nonsense go unchallenged in my own home.
Yeah, still bucking the status quo of the mixed up world of gender ideology and gender identity.
This is a good post. Your child may think they’re trans because they’ve watched too many YouTube videos, but YouTube didn’t manufacture the feelings of distress and discomfort, it merely provided a label. Every time I see a post on here from someone saying ‘well, my child was such a girly little girl, why would they start identifying as trans at 12? Must be tumblr!’ I’m annoyed. The societal demands of femininity ramp up a lot at 11/12/13! Heels, makeup, shaving, etc.
after my initial panic I took this approach too. We are at the 16 month mark and things are much smoother. We have been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist team during this time who also continue to help. A diagnosis of ADHD also came along and the treatment for that and her anxiety are really making a difference. I really had to take a long look at my reactions too and learned alot about how I was projecting myself. While she hasn’t “desisted” so to speak she has certainly retreated from the all on stance she had when this started and has stopped wearing the binder, among other things. Not sure how this will turn out but I will love my child and we will continue this journey with better communication and a closer relationship than before.
“Claims of “child abuse” from both sides against obviously caring parents need to stop. A little empathy will go a long way toward encouraging more productive and meaningful conversations.”
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! I am fed up of seeing people accuse parents of trans kids in this manner. When it comes to trans-affirming parents, they’re often just going along with what the “professionals” told them to do so they are NOT necessarily abusers. These accusations have actually just provided fuel for the trans movement, convincing them that anyone who questions their narrative must be “phobic”.
Trans-affirming parents and their children are all victims of this grand experiment of gender ideology. It’s really sad to me. I hope that all families that end up supporting their child in transitioning do live good lives. That’s the goal right? All these people in distress looking for answers with the end goal of living a good quality of life.
My personal view is that healthy bodies are not to be disregarded, even for a child with deep beliefs about their identities. I wish there were more options for such children that didn’t involve being a medical patient for life, with little to no long term outcome studies to suggest that medical and surgical transitioning really is the healthiest way to go.
Meanwhile, I’ll keep asking, where’s option 3, 4, and 5?
Utterly agreed! My childhood best friend transitioned not long ago (she has autism and has gone through many phases with her identity since she was eight, starting with wanting to be a teenager) and it saddens me that her parents seem to have just gone along with whatever she’s said to them. They probably were who footed the bill for her top surgery. Even so, I can’t hate her Mum. She’s a kind-hearted person who tries to make peace with and understand anyone, so I can see why she bought into this ideology.
“Claims of ‘child abuse’ from both sides against obviously caring parents need to stop.”
That sounds nice, but whether something is child abuse has nothing to do with how much the person doing it cares.
I agree “affirm the child / teen, but not the potentially false transgender identity”. However, I do think it is misleading to creating our own definition of what we think affirmation should look like. Affirmation is a well established process that therapists and surgeons and schools use. And it is destroying lives. This is why I call myself “anti-affirmation” because there is a generally understood meaning of that word that means agreeing that they are transgender and leading them down the transition path. Arguing semantics risks confusion. I want it very clear, I do not agree with pushing transgender identities on kids or letting teens take the lead in deciding whether or not they are transgender, and this is why I will never agree with an affirmative approach, because that it what being “affirmative” means in this climate.
Thank you!
To suggest that there is a “different take on affirmation” could well lead to confusion. Certainly we need to support our dysphoric and confused teens, but to call such support “affirmation” is only going to give those that already use that term to medicate our kids an excuse to say things like “anti transition campaigner XXX has come out in favour of affirmation”. Sorry, but transactivits will never listen to what your new definition of affirmation is and they will use it against all parents of ROGD kids (as if we need them to have any more ammunition against us than they already do). I normally love everything you write, but suggesting that affirmation is a scale is just downright dangerous. Too many parents know too well that affirmation really means fast track to transition and to use that word for parents who support their kids but not their trans identity is just misleading. Sorry. I normally love everything you write, but this article is very concerning.
MamaBear – I absolutely understand your concern and I appreciate your comment. I think it is crucial, though, that we do affirm (validate) the distress, confusion, and desire our kids express wrt their exploration. Polly Carmichael (Tavistock GIDS) talks about “affirming without confirming,” a distinction I think is relevant and useful. A child who thinks her parents don’t understand or refuse to acknowledge her distress will dig in deeper and, most importantly, might come to discount anything a parent has to say or information they attempt to share. “What we resist, persists.” This is a natural part of identity formation!
You wrote that, “I do not agree with pushing transgender identities on kids or letting teens take the lead in deciding whether or not they are transgender.” It is impossible to ever control what another person decides is true for themselves. That’s why I think it is important for parents to create space for their children to work through their formation of identity without feeding power struggles; that’s where affirming (validating) their distress and desire is so important. Instead of: “you are NOT trans” how about “tell me why this feels true to you?” and then go from there while, still, respectfully holding on to what is true to you. That’s where this part came from: “I told her I didn’t think she was really a boy but I understood she wanted to be one.” Had I not said that I understood, had I not tried to understand where she was coming from, how could I expect that she would care about anything else I had to say, the information I offered her, or consider questions I asked? I think this is what most of us have done/are doing. TAs shouldn’t get to own affirmation (validation).
None of this is simple. If we don’t find ways to partner with our children, they will seek out other partners to support and validate them. I don’t really care how transactivists twist my words. I care about young people and their relationships with their parents. I’m willing to say things that fall outside of the allowable rhetoric if it helps parents stand next to their children rather than be positioned in opposition to them, which is exactly what the outside world of trans activists tries to do: pit parents against their children. Don’t let them!
So did you use your daughter’s preferred boy-name and male pronouns? Doesn’t the use of male pronouns “confirm” the dysphoria? We avoid pronouns as much as possible, in order to balance the necessary support for our 21-year old daughter with our own need to cling to reality (ie, that she is a woman). However, would it help if we used her preferred pronoun?!?!
MCK – My daughter never asked me to change pronouns and she didn’t change her name. She aked me to avoid pronouns and to call her “kid” instead of “daughter” and to use her name instead of “girl.” I did all that and asked her closest family members to avoid girl and granddaughter as well. They happily agreed. They saw how she was struggling.
I don’t see any harm in using whatever name your child asks you to use. Pronouns – I don’t feel comfortable telling anyone what to do with those. I understand why some would refuse and I understand why some would agree. I honestly can’t tell you what I would have done if she’d asked me to use male pronouns. I probably would have, while saying that I didn’t think she was male, could never be male, but that that she was more important to me than words and I would use the ones she asked me to.
I expressed exasperation a few times at friends of hers who were changing their pronouns weekly. TAs would say that I was transphobic. I suppose by their definition, I was. I was also being honest. These were midupper-class white kids from two-parent families with one stay-at-home parent. Healthy kids. Unschooled kids who had all the freedom in the world. Health insurance. Whatever foods they wanted to eat, as much as they wanted to eat. All the video games, all the whatever.
I told her I thought they were playing oppression like dress up. That identities are what you do, who you are in the real world and that I felt bad for them because their lives seemed empty. We talked a lot about her identites based on the things she did, where she came from, the material realities of her life ….
I hope something in there helps. Your daughter is so much older than mine was. I have no idea what it is like to mother a 21-yr. Hopefully others with older kids will chime in?
I have a 12 year old daughter who came out as trans six months ago. I found this article and advice to be very helpful and in tune with how I’ve ended up approaching things, though I still have a long road ahead.
I can’t bring myself to use her boys name, but I accept that her girls name distresses her and avoid it (no idea what to put on the xmas card though). I have adopted all manner of non-gendered pronouns. It is exhausting and I do slip up occasionally. The important thing is she knows that I’m trying not cause her additional distress.
We had a conversation recently about gender etc. I let her know that I don’t personally believe in the trans narrative, but I did believe in her, and that I would always be their for her no matter what. I made sure she knew I believe that she is in pain, is experiencing thoughts, feelings and changes to her body that are uncomfortable and that she is struggling to put a label on.
I think that it’s important to validate that whatever your child is going through, it’s real to them. I think it’s important that regardless of how you feel about what conclusions they have drawn for the cause of their pain, you offer caring support for their discomfort, and encourage them not to put a label on it.
On the one hand I feel like I’m walking a dangerous tightrope, but my instinct tells me that I will do better by keeping the lines of communication open. By agreeing to listen to her, and respecting that she genuinely experiences unpleasant feelings, she does seem willing to listen to me. The worst outcome for me would be to fall into the trap of behaving in the way activists tell her transphobic parents behave, because once that happens I will be labelled and shut out.
I also suppose on some level there is the thought that no matter what I do she may end up choosing transition in the long run, and I as much as I won’t agree with it, it’s not something I want her to go through alone. I don’t want her to feel that completely shutting me out of her life is her only option should she choose that path.
I am a parent of an 18 year old young woman who spent the last four years as a boy, and only desisted from the position a few months ago. I completely agree with your distinction between “affirming” and “confirming”, although we used different terminology in our house. I followed my gut and, though completely bewildered myself, I guided her through the process trusting that she would one day see that this was not the right path for her. When that day came (to my indescribable relief), she literally thanked me for questioning her as strongly and persistently as I did, and sticking by her, supporting her, because –she said– without this, she might have inflicted irreparable changes on her body. As to pronouns –with my daughter’s agreement– I continued to call her “she”, and explained to all adults in our circle (instructors, friend’s parents, etc) that they could call her whatever she asked them to, but as a mom, I would keep calling her by her given name and female pronouns. This made for some interesting exchanges. It has also made some of my “friends” question my parenting and my ethics, but my responsibility has always been to my daughter, above everyone else. I have found strength from reading the articles on this blog. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing. I feel better about our decisions. Our child and her therapist requested that we use a male name and pronouns. The therapist felt it would help move past the focus on dysphoria so that they could deal with an abundance of other issues. For me, names and pronouns are labels and, unfortunately, English doesn’t give us many options of dealing with labels. And it has allowed all of us to find new ways of communicating and discussing issues and feelings. To borrow from another post I read,, I’m not worried about her being transgender, I’m worried that she is not and that she will realize this too late. I’m going to continue to ask the questions and share my opinions and listen carefully to her. I’m fortunate that she has a natural tendency to do research so presenting facts usually results in more research and informed thinking. She has told me she believes this is a mental illness. Unfortunately she believes it is one for which there will be no relief without medically transitioning. Continuing the discussion and presenting the facts and arguments are causing her to question. That’s the best I can hope for. I have faith that the cosmos will continue to direct us to wherever need to go. Surveillance bravely de-transition when she iscready despite what others think, say or do. She is stronger than anyone, including her, knows.
*She will bravely…
I hope parents will take a careful approach to their child’s desire to transition. Please take the time to consider both sides. The threat of suicide should be taken as a cry for help. While affirmation is the suggested approach, and the child may feel relief at the thought of living an ‘authentic’ life, there is not enough research into whether this result will last long-term.
It would be great to have one of the insightful commentators on this site analyze and/or respond to the recent New York Times piece, “My New Vagina Won’t Make Me Happy and It Shouldn’t Have To.” The argument was basically that these medical interventions do not necessarily make the person happier, and indeed may well make them more miserable for the rest of their life. But that they have a right to their own misery and it is their misery to choose. The author points for example to the fact that her body will view the constructed vagina made through surgery as an open wound and will constantly try to heal and close that wound for many years to come, thus requiring painful stretching procedures as regular maintenance for the rest of life. The author argues that being happier is not the point. So much of the media around teen transition, however, promises just that — med transition as the answer to all problems of teenage angst, and the panacea for happiness is living as one’s “authentic self” through medical technology and heroic intervention. What if the predominant narrative being marketed on vlogs and other social media at teens changed from “this will bring relief and happiness, so here is a sample letter to cut and paste to your parents about that” to “you are free to choose your own misery”? I wonder how appealing the latter would be?
Detransitioned writer Carey Callahan wrote a really thoughtful response to that article you just mentioned, pondering what it says about the behaviours that are considered normal in some “radical queer” communities. https://medium.com/@mariacatt42/red-flags-and-radicals-a-detransitioners-response-to-the-unhappiness-of-andrea-long-chu-4aa7cbe94880
‘Misery’ may be a kind term for it. What else is bothersome is that this surgical ‘holy grail’ for the brigade, cannot and will not ever do what a vagina does for natal women. That is not meant to be mean, but it’s just simple logic.
Which makes the case for if….[and pardon this one please, but the following is meant to be a comparison bet the surgery and what is available otherwise] someone is so desperate to have this done, there are artificial ‘SPFX’ types one on the market, which have the same function as the surgical ones. That being, none unlike the OEM equipment…but in theory can offer, during horizontal enrichment, some sensation. are less expensive than a ‘final cut’ that cannot do the job and the person can save on the travel, hormonal ingestion side effects [which are legion] and use the savings to go to those professionals, who can help the person, get to the root of what else is going on mentally.
Seriously though, if these types of interventions don’t bring happiness, then what is the point?
Today my husband and I met with our 15 yr old daughters therapist. I was very anxious to say the least, and my daughter had be quite teary all day.
Our daughter has identified as ‘trans’ for the last two years. It is a huge roller coaster, 2 steps forward one step back….
We have let her dress how she wants, wear the boys school uniform, have her hair short….but today she wanted permission to be allowed to be called her preferred male name at school. She cried all through the session as she didn’t want me to be angry. I told her I am disappointed, but it’s ok. I also made it clear I would not use her prefers name at home. This was our comprise.
Her therapist was quick to point out that this wasn’t that she had made her decision, but that she was experimenting and trying out, like role play I guess, a safe way before any decisions where made. She also pointed out that she is in no way advocating medical transition of any kind, and that they still had much work to do on the ‘why’. As parents we jump to the end outcome, but I want to stop the process all together!
The therapist is worried if we do create a blanket ‘no’ then our daughter will dig her heals in even more, and coming back will be harder.
To my kindred spirits out there I say, be strong, stick to your convictions but remember these are teenagers, ( who know everything). We feel a sense of loss, even grieving for our daughters, but the fight isn’t over.
I just want someone she admires to tell her to stop, and she will. I wait in hope that soon this nightmare will be over. Until then I have this website to get me through.
Take Care xxx
About 8 months ago I was called in to the school counsellor, who I had never met before, and she asked me if I knew that my daughter was transgender. She had been counselling (and “affirming”) my daughter in this for about 3 weeks without my consent or knowledge. Since then we have been on a roller coaster to hell. I have just discovered this website and it has lifted my spirit to read your stories, they are straight off my page, almost exactly.
My daughter has since been diagnosed with Aspergers. She is being treated for anxiety and has changed schools 3 times last year as we struggled to find somewhere she felt comfortable, where she would get support for her anxiety and find a tolerant cohort. I am actually grateful for Victoria’s (Australia) Safe Schools Initiative, after having poo-pooed it in the past. I am thankful for her psychologist and psychiatrist who have advised a wait and see approach and strongly advised us to stay away from the gender clinics.
Thank you all for helping me with me the words to support my child without leading her anywhere. Instinctively I have been listening and supporting but stopping short of agreeing with her.
I know she is not a boy, (I have raised her 2 older brothers), and she cannot tell me why she thinks she is. She wears the boys uniform, has short hair, binds her chest and drops her voice – sometimes. She uses a masculine version of her name at school and we flip between both versions at home, just as we always have. She has never had any ‘boy’ interests (in a footy, lego, gaming mad household) and leans towards girl friends, art, drama, singing, soft toys and animals just as she always has. Unfortunately she has connected with an online cohort of ‘trans people’ who continually bolster and affirm each other. I think the dysphoria comes and goes depending on how bad her anxiety is. Today she asked the well-being co-ordinator to tell all her teachers to use male pronouns. In response I have asked that they use gender non specific language as I am worried she will be bullied. She has never asked us to use male pronouns at home or with her extended family. I hope this is not coming next, but after reading all your wonderful posts I now have the confidence that I can handle it sensitively for all our family.
Good luck you all of you on your journeys with your quirky wonderful kids, I hope to read more from you.
Hi Donna. I’m sorry to hear about your daughter, especially that she was affirmed at school without your knowledge or permission. I think school personnel are well meaning but have no idea what a serious problem they are helping to create when they affirm these anxious, idealistic and easily led kids.
If you’re interested in joining an online forum of like-minded parents, consider registering at https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/index.php. Just click on “register” in the black bar near the top-left. There is a small public forum that is visible by all, and a separate forum that is accessible only to registered members. Keep in mind that all memberships are manually approved, so once you register, it could take anywhere from 1-24 hours to access the members-only portion of the forum.
Hope to see you there.
Affirmation has been the key problem! School affirmed it, counselors affirmed it, friends affirmed it, internet affirmed it. They all agreed, that yes this is what you are. i never affirmed it, I only wanted my daughter to finish High School and focus on her future which she did. Her final school year was successful, She was on the Executive team, main role in school musical and was accepted at her first choice uni.
At 18, she left home to start her transition for about 1 month. i have never cried so much. She started to be medicated with HRT., without ever having lived as a man.
She seemed happy and in a Euphoric state that she was out. New facebook page, new name, uni, new life etc..
Come now, 18 months later….I have never seen my daughter so depressed, anxious, does not want go to uni most days and lonesome. All her friends who affirmed her have now moved on and left her, she has no friendship groups and is struggling every day as she feels that she does fit in with any groups??
She is getting help for her feelings, and denies that all this has happened because of her choice to transition.
it is going to be a tough journey.
Please help! Are there any resources to find counselors/therapists who can help? I am struggling to find a therapist to help my son, who is in real distress. But I can’t find a therapist who might help him work this out without rubberstamping the diagnosis.