by Inga Berenson
It was a hot summer morning. I was nine or ten, riding my pony from our farmhouse toward the barn where my father was working. This was the first time I had gone riding since a string of bad falls had caused me to lose my nerve, but I loved riding, and was determined to be back in the saddle.
So far, things were going well. The gravel road between our house and the barn was about a mile long, and I was halfway there. My usually cantankerous little mare was being perfectly docile, but I was approaching the house of a quirky neighbor who kept a menagerie of animals – donkeys, zebras, buffalo, and a gaggle of dogs that barked at every passing car. I was mostly worried about the dogs and how my pony would handle the barking – it sometimes made her nervous, but there was no dog in sight as I rode past the house.
I was thinking I was home-free until I heard a commotion from the paddock across from the neighbor’s house. I looked around and saw a giant draft horse push through a dilapidated wire fence and come galloping toward me, neighing and grunting in what I later understood to be equine lust. In an instant he was beside us, rearing and pawing his great, hairy hooves in the air near my face. I thought that was the end of me and my pony.
Then all of a sudden I heard my mother’s voice. I looked around and found her running toward us, yelling and hurling gravel at the big horse. She distracted him just long enough for me to hop off. My pony raced off into the safety of some low-hanging trees, and the neighbor came running out of his house to capture his oversized horse.
As I stood there, weak-kneed from my near-death experience, I saw my mother’s car parked a few yards down the road, the driver’s-side door still open, and I knew what had happened. She had been worried about me, so she had followed from a distance, just to be sure I made it okay.
Illustration by Chiara (Twitter: @chiaracanaan)
I’ve been thinking about that story a lot lately. It was about four years ago that my daughter first told me she thought she might be trans. I believe her story is a classic example of social contagion, since she had never expressed any discomfort with her sexed body until she got Tumblr and DeviantArt accounts and began spending all her time on her phone. Since then, I have felt a bit like my mother, standing in the middle of the road, hurling gravel, trying to protect my daughter from an ideology that has sought to convince her that she was born in the wrong body.
I am fortunate. Unlike some of my friends with kids who became convinced they were trans, I feel reasonably confident that my daughter will not medically transition. She desisted from a social transition more than a year ago, and she told me recently that she no longer identifies as trans. However, she still has many friends in the gender-queer community, and I know we’re not out of the woods. When she turns 18 in a few months, she may exercise her right as a legal adult to start medical transition, and there won’t be anything I can do to dissuade her. This worries me greatly. So, as a matter of self-preservation as much as anything, I’ve been asking myself, what if she does transition? How will I cope?
The short answer is I don’t know, but I certainly won’t disown her or ask her to leave my home. In fact, of all the many gender-critical parents I know who have trans-identified children, I know absolutely no one who has disowned their child or kicked them out of the house. I’m sure it must happen, but I don’t know any. Of course, all parents say things they regret – especially during the highly charged arguments with teens who are demanding immediate medical interventions. In one such argument, one of my best friends even told her then-trans-identified daughter to get out, but she immediately regretted it, took it back, apologized, and asked her daughter to stay (which she did). I also know at least three mothers who have lost contact with their trans-identified children, but in those cases, the kids themselves severed the relationship, not the parents. In fact, the mothers continue to try to reconnect with their children, despite being repeatedly rebuffed.
Although I know I won’t disown or reject my daughter, I also know that I won’t affirm her decision to transition. It’s not really that I’m deciding not to; I simply cannot bring myself to do it. It would be dishonest for me to call her my son when I don’t believe she’s male. Plus, I don’t think it’s helpful for me to allow my daughter to dictate how I define words like “male” and “female.” Does this mean I love my child less than the mothers who affirm their children?
Since I cannot occupy the mind of any of these other mothers, I guess I’ll never know. But I do know that my love for my child is so deep and strong that the idea that she has been misled to believe that her body is wrong depresses me to no end. I am angry — bitterly, bitterly angry that this ideology has taken up almost four years of her life so far and god only know how many more years it may take.
Maybe the reason some parents affirm their children’s transgender claims and some parents question them lies in the parents’ own experiences of puberty. When my daughter felt embarrassed about shopping for bras at 13, I was not surprised because I remembered that feeling vividly. I hated it. I hated knowing that people could see my developing breasts and the outline of the bra straps under my shirt. I especially hated the very feminine bras – the ones with lots of lace and little pink bows where the cups joined in the middle. They made me feel vulnerable and exposed and miserable. I also know I got over it – for the most part, anyway.
Trans activists claim that the number of trans-identifying people has increased so rapidly not because there are more trans people today than in the past but because society has become more accepting and they are no longer afraid to come out. But if this were the case, why are the greatest increases occurring in the population of female teens? Why aren’t middle-aged women like me queuing up for hormones now that we can come out? To me, the answer is clear. Women like me had a chance to come to terms with our bodies and accept ourselves as we are. My daughter didn’t have that chance because an insidious ideology was waiting in the wings to convince her that her feelings about her body meant that it was wrong.
But maybe the mothers who readily affirm their children’s trans self-diagnoses didn’t have this experience at puberty. Maybe they were lucky enough to sail smoothly and happily from childhood through puberty, unambiguously pleased to watch their bodies go from child to woman – so, when their children expressed unhappiness about their developing bodies, they were genuinely puzzled and could only agree their kids must have been born in the wrong body.
Whatever the reason for the difference between those parents and me, I resent the fact that the mainstream media will tell their stories, but they won’t tell mine. I resent the fact that my daughter looks at those parents and wishes I could be like them — because I never can be.
If my daughter does eventually decide to take hormones or undergo surgery to medically transition, the only way I could fully support it is if I had clear scientific evidence that she had a condition requiring such an invasive treatment. If there were a definitive medical test – a brain scan, for example – that proved my child’s distress arose from an incongruence between her brain and the rest of her body that could only be alleviated by transition, I think I could go along with it. But there is no such test because individual brains don’t break down neatly into pink and blue categories. Sexually dimorphic brain features are subject to averages just like other physical characteristics. In general, men are taller than women, but if you plot their height on a bell curve, you will see lots of overlap between the sexes. You’ll also see outliers on the “tails” of the bell curve—6’4’ women, and 5’1” men. This is true with psychological and neurological traits, too. Also, trans activists justify their born-in-the-wrong-body claims by pointing to a few studies which indicate that the brains of trans-identified people are more similar in some respects to the opposite sex than their natal sex. But these studies do not control for many factors, including sexual orientation, and we know already that people who are same-sex-attracted have some brain features more similar to the opposite sex.
Without tools to reliably predict who will benefit from transition, I simply cannot support medical interventions for young people whose brains have not fully matured (generally understood to be around age 25). I want desperately for my daughter to accept her body and to avoid the irreversible changes and the many health risks that are inherent in medical transition. But she will soon be 18 years old, and she will have the power to transition no matter what I want – even though she is still at least seven years away from brain maturity. There’s a real chance that she could. Would that be the end of the world?
No, I know that it wouldn’t. As worried as I am about this outcome and as fixated as I’ve been on preventing it for four years, I do have to remind myself that her transitioning would not be the worst thing that could happen. Plus, I will still be able to hold onto the hope that she will detransition before the hormones can cause too much damage to her long-term health. Every day it seems that I read about a new detransitioner. More and more young people are saying enough is enough. They are reclaiming their bodies and their lives, and I find their stories inspiring.
A few days ago I watched a video in which four young women, who formerly identified as trans, answer questions about their experience and share their insights. Their video gave me hope for a couple of reasons. First, they acknowledge the role that social contagion plays in driving the huge increase in kids (especially girls) who are identifying as trans today. It takes real courage to speak up and share stories that contradict the popular understanding of why people transition. These stories not only challenge the narrative of why people transition; they also show that, for many young people, transition does not make their lives better.
But another reason that video gave me hope is that I can see these girls are all okay. In fact, they’re better than okay. They are strong and smart, and they are living with purpose and a sense of future. They reminded me that transition – even medical transition — is not the end of the world. Three of the girls were on hormones for more than a year. Their voices are changed, but they are healthy and well, and that’s a beautiful thing.
Detransitioners have been giving hope to me and other parents for many years, but the relationship between the groups has been difficult at times. Some detransitioners have understandably resented how parents sometimes try to use their stories as cautionary tales to warn their kids about the dangers of medical transition. A big part of the problem is the language people sometimes use when talking about medical transition. For example, referring to the bodies of detransitioners as “mutilated,” their voices as “broken,” or their stories as “heart-breaking” has not been helpful.
One of the most powerful and positive messages of the gender-critical movement is that no one is born in the wrong body. Gender-critical parents like me are constantly trying to encourage our kids to accept their bodies just as they are. Yet I believe we need to extend that same acceptance to all bodies – even bodies post transition. To feel good about themselves and their lives, all people need to be able to accept themselves physically and mentally, and words like “mutilated” don’t help them do that.
Online, the interactions between detransitioners and parents has also been a little rocky at times because parents sometimes overstep boundaries that detransitioners need to be healthy. Parents often reach out to detransitioners for help with their personal situations – to seek parenting advice and guidance. But most detransitioners who speak out publicly are quite young; they don’t have children and they aren’t parenting experts, nor is it fair to saddle them with the responsibility of helping us. They’re dealing with their own issues, are often most focused on helping each other, and they don’t (and can’t be expected to) understand the situation and struggles of parents. What’s more, many have written or vlogged about their own, often fraught, relationships with their own parents, so when other parents reach out to them, they can feel “triggered” by being reminded of their own family relationships. These young people are still maturing and processing what their transition and detransition mean to them. They need time and space to be able to do that, and desperate appeals from parents they’ve never met, for help with kids they don’t know, could interfere with that process.
Also, detransitioners are not a monolithic group. Not everyone who detransitions regrets transitioning. Deciding that transition is not right for you and regretting transition are not necessarily the same thing. Detransitioners who do not regret their transition naturally resent it when people use their stories to make a case against medical transition.
At the same time, those detransitioners who are willing to speak out about the harms of transitioning and the power of reidentifying with your birth sex can be powerful allies in the fight to raise awareness about the regressiveness of gender ideology and potential harms to other young people – whether we’re trying to raise this awareness in the culture at large or just in our own homes. I hope my daughter will listen to the stories of some of these detransitioners and decide to first try some other strategies for becoming comfortable in her natural body.
If, however, she does eventually transition, I hope she can be honest with herself about it and accept that she can never be male – however much she may be able to look like one. I follow several gender-critical trans women on Twitter. Although they have sought medical intervention for palliative reasons, they acknowledge they are male and support sex-based protections for women. They don’t demand that the world repeat the mantra that trans women are women. They have a healthier outlook on the world and a healthier sense of self because they aren’t trying to change anyone’s perception of material reality (like male and female). I appreciate the courage they are showing. Their stance as gender critical has cut them off from the support of the larger trans community, which regards them as heretics and traitors. And it must be noted that they’re not universally accepted among women who are gender critical, some of whom regard them with suspicion.
Of course, my daughter may never come to recognize the bill of goods she’s been sold. She may transition, remain transitioned, and remain committed to an ideology I find regressive. If that’s the case, it will be my life’s task to love her and support her in spite of these things. But that doesn’t mean I will ever abandon my own sense of reality, because doing so would be inauthentic, and parents should not have to subordinate their own authenticity to their children’s quest for it.
What I can do is look after her, help her financially to achieve non-transition-related goals, cook her favorite foods, hold her hand when she’s feeling down. I can even go out of my way to avoid gendered language so as not to provoke or upset her, but I simply cannot utter beliefs I don’t hold. Our relationship needs to be based on mutual respect. I must respect her autonomy, but she must also respect mine.
Also, I want my daughter to understand that it’s ok for other people (even her parents!) to disagree with her and hold different views; that doesn’t mean we don’t love her. Far from it. I want my daughter to be strong and resilient enough to face the reality that life will be full of other people who disagree with her for any number of reasons. I’d rather she learn resilience than fragility that is triggered whenever she encounters disagreement or disapproval from others.
I feel such a sense of solidarity with the other gender-critical moms I’ve met here on 4thWaveNow, on Twitter, and in real life because they’ve seen what I have seen – that this ideology has made our children less resilient, it has alienated them from their families, their former friends, and, worst of all, their own bodies. Most of us have watched as our children went from well-adjusted kids to teens preoccupied with online worlds, feeling oppressed and seeking medical transition.
For our efforts to call attention to the regressive nature of the ideology, we have been called “bigots,” “transphobes,” even “Nazis.” So-called gender therapists gaslight us and pretend to know our children better than we do. And some journalists, blind to their sexism, have dismissed us (in one case, as merely a “bunch of mothers”), despite the advanced degrees and professional careers many of us hold, not to mention the voluminous research we have done to educate ourselves about this particular subject.
And, yes, we have made mistakes. We are certainly not perfect. There are so many things I have said to my daughter that I wish I could unsay or at least say differently. There are so many times when my strong emotional reaction to things she was telling me created a barrier and shut down communication between us. Of course, she has said things that hurt me too, but as her mother and the adult in the relationship, I rightfully bear a larger share of the burden to try to make things right between us.
I can’t change the past, of course. What’s done is done. But I do know this: My mother has been dead for more than 20 years, but I think about her every day. She was far from a perfect parent, but she loved me fiercely. The love she gave me in the first 30 years of my life still sustains me today. I know that now, in a way I didn’t fully understand when I was younger.
I don’t know what the future holds for my daughter. My fervent hope is that she will reject the idea that she needs to change who she is, but whether or not she does, I hope one day she will look back on my resistance to her transition as the act of love that it is. I hope that her knowledge and memory of the fierceness of my love will sustain her, as my mother’s sustains me.
I think you just have to let it play out. TRAs have convinced both children and their parents that, if parents don’t affirm their kids’ identity, the children could in up suicidal.
Testosterone is much destructive to a female body vs estrogens in a male body.
I’ll keep you in my prayers.
No kidding about the HRT cocktails causing the damage. There are, if the brigade were to be honest..reams upon reams of peer reviewed articles, studies, etc….going into detail as to the damage that can occur, when the HRT is being used in an on label vein. Case in point: those which mention ‘roid rage’ thanks to boosts of testosterone among jocks.
Also….and this is not meant to be mean or crude or even …shudders…’phobic’, but if someone is suicidal, due to not getting the cocktail or invasive surgery[ies] for are actually electives, then there are some other deep issues that need to be dealt with by professionals. Not those whoa re yes, men…but can give a clear path…and not tell a child that ‘here take these, stay on tumblr, etc. and gain support from those who have no medical training, let alone have a mental health practice’.
Wow. Reading your post and basically, you and I are experiencing nearly identical events and feelings. Thank you so much for sharing!
Thank you for your comment, Ginger. It’s both comforting and sad that we’re not alone in this. Best wishes for you and your child.
What Ginger said…the beautifully written post speaks to my experiences and mental processes as well. So grateful for this piece that I can reread as needed to find comfort.
Thank you, Darthvatrix. Yes, I think I have no choice but to let it play out. Thank you for your prayers.
Thank you for such a beautifully and honestly written post.
You are strong.
I agree that we should not change our authentic self to accommodate their reality. Yet I wonder how that works out bc the pronoun/name thing seems to be a clincher for many. If you don’t say I am ….., then you do not truly love me or care or respect, etc…
I have not seen my daughter in 3 years. I sent things for a couple of years then stopped. I still text her. Just did on Vslentines. I get no response. To my 20 texts, she may answer one. I tell her she is always welcome here.
A fractured family. Everyone except her in therapy.
It’s time someone does a study on the effects on family members.
I personally have PTSD from this.
I’m so sorry to hear this, SaintMagdalena. The damage that’s been done in the name of gender identity to kids and their families is vast. I think it’s good that you still send your daughter texts. You’re keeping the door open for her to find her way back to you — and maybe eventually to making peace with her body. You’re a good mom. And even though she rarely responds, I believe that those texts are still meaningful to her. They show her that she’s not all alone in this world. You’re still there, reminding her of your love and her history. That’s so important. Take care of yourself, and keep holding onto hope.
“I want my daughter to understand that it’s ok for other people (even her parents!) to disagree with her and hold different views; that doesn’t mean we don’t love her. Far from it. I want my daughter to be strong and resilient enough to face the reality that life will be full of other people who disagree with her for any number of reasons. I’d rather she learn resilience than fragility that is triggered whenever she encounters disagreement or disapproval from others.”
This is so important. Validation is not necessarily support, or love. It can often be manipulative and usually is devoid of informed elements, and online groups are rife with validation.
Supporting does not mean agreeing, but it does mean acknowledging what is needed. And Love. Love. Love.
This is the point that many trans activists seem unable to understand: validating and affirming a person’s belief is not always the loving thing to do. What’s more, it’s disingenuous when you don’t share that person’s belief. I like the way you put it — that supporting does not mean agreeing, but it does mean acknowledging what is needed. And in the case of anyone contemplating irreversible bodily changes that carry significant health risks, what is needed is time — time to carefully examine why she believes she needs the changes and time to consider other alternatives first. The problem with the affirmation-only approach is it denies a person this opportunity. Thank you for your comment, and best wishes to you.
Thank you, Inga, for writing this post. I agreed with everything you said.
Something that especially touched me was, “…I resent the fact that the mainstream media will tell their stories, but they won’t tell mine. I resent the fact that my daughter looks at those parents and wishes I could be like them — because I never can be.”
It’s so hard to get the average person to understand where I’m coming from when all they hear in the mainstream media is affirmation. It is so draining to have to go into, at least, a half our conversation before someone begins to understand, maybe, why I am not one of those parents. However, it hurts me to the core of my being to think that my own daughter, who is still with her heels dug into this for 5 years now, wishes me to be one of those parents. I love her with all of my heart and I will always be there for her, but as you say it would be dishonest for me to call her my son.
Thank you so much, Dorothy. Yes, one of the most painful aspects of all this is knowing that our children often interpret our resistance to their transitions as evidence that we love them less than affirming parents love their children. The best we can do, I guess, is just continually show them we’re there for them. I’m so sorry for what happened to your daughter, Dorothy, and I hope with all my heart that she will join the ranks of the women who detransition and reidentify with their sex.
I’m another gc mum of a trans identified daughter. Your story very much resembles my story. I also love my daughters too much to lie to them.
Thankyou so much speaking out about your experience. Stay strong in your love for your child.
Thank you. You have wonderfully articulated my so similar thoughts and opinions. I also appreciate the arguments to not harass detransitioners for parenting advice and not to use terms like mutilation. Both, I have been guilty of but am awakened to the harmful impact.
Thank you for your brilliantly written post. You are spot on
Your daughter is fortunate to have you in her corner. Your points about detransitioners deserving respect and not to be spoken about as “cautionary tales” is important. Great article.
I agree as responsible parents, we genuinely concern about our children’s long term interests and do not validate lies that leads to a destructive dead end.
Most health practitioners has become ushers instead of gate keepers to medical transition. Often, unethically, they do not facilitate informed decision making by discussion of consequences, risk, side effects and complications of the detrimental medical transition. Practitioners themselves are not well informed as there are limited research and statistics to support medical transition as an effective treatment for gender dysphoria.
I am a dad struggling with my daughter’s trans identification and have been reading this site and others like it for years. I’ve never posted a comment before, but I just have to say this is the article that most closely resembles my experience and attitude, although I can’t say I have always felt and thought this way about it. It is both a comfort to hear someone else echo my opinion, but it also presents some ways of thinking and experience that I can make use of in my struggle. So much of the dialogue is so heated and extreme, I’m grateful when people come forward with articles like this one.
Thank you for this beautifully written piece. My family is currently struggling with this as well. It wasn’t easy when it first appeared almost 4 years ago, and it isn’t any easier now. If anything, the deception in my daughter is getting stronger, and my influence on her is getting weaker (not because I want it to). It pains me everyday to see her go through this, knowing that she trusts the other young people who have transitioned and say it was the best decision they ever made. I have watched the youtube videos of these people, mostly innate females on the road to becoming “cis-males” who make their transitions seem like a valley of beautiful roses, but fail to mention the millions of thorns. I have 2 years before my daughter becomes a legal adult, and everyday I pray that something happens that will divert her back on the right path and away from this deception.
“Although I know I won’t disown or reject my daughter, I also know that I won’t affirm her decision to transition. It’s not really that I’m deciding not to; I simply cannot bring myself to do it. It would be dishonest for me to call her my son when I don’t believe she’s male. Plus, I don’t think it’s helpful for me to allow my daughter to dictate how I define words like “male” and “female.” Does this mean I love my child less than the mothers who affirm their children?”
Beautifully stated. We can love our child without being forced to daily live a lie.
Living a lie is not sustainable.
It’s a delicate dance.
As parents, we can learn that dance.
Parents, trust your gut instincts.
Delicate dance it is and like you my child will always be my daughter. I have learned now that my instincts were dead on . Yet all the Shrinks and so -called professionals threw me and my husband under the bus …now they are nowhere to be found and we are still here loving our child and supporting them ….
Thank you Inga for this poignant, honest post.
I am in Canada. I shed some tears while reading your post. Many of your thoughts echo my own.
We entered this nightmare almost 6 years ago, shortly before our daughter turned 16. We encouraged her to wait until mid-20s/25 yrs before going through any permanent changes. Sadly she chose not to do so and in 2018, age 21, she started T, changed her legal name and sex designation, and traveled to a different province to have her breasts surgically removed by a private-pay plastic surgeon.
She is independent from us. She knows that we love her.That, while it’s difficult it’s also possible to do the work of agreeing to disagree. I do not use her new name. She will always be my daughter. But I also don’t refer to her as this as I truly understand that she has discomfort with her sex. We focus on what she’s doing- education, job, other activities she does. She still responds to my texts. I prefer not to call her as her voice has deepened and it makes me so sad. It’s a difficult road to tread on. The grief I feel is cyclical, not linear. Our goal is to maintain some sort of relationship with our daughter as we know that she will not be supported by her current community if one day she changes her decision.
I wish you strength and peace as you continue on your journey with your daughter.
Thank you. I’ve come to a similar position myself, but only after lots of fact finding.
My cousin is FTM. S/he has already gone through the hormones and surgeries. I worry about the long term health consequences of testosterone. I would talk to her/him about this, but s/he lives so far away that I can’t. I would talk to my family about this, but they’re so biased towards the left that they would shut me off if I were to debate them. My cousin was a tomboy growing up, and is attracted to females. I never remember her/him coming out as a lesbian. S/he just went straight to coming out as FTM. Apparently, s/he’s “never been happier” since s/he came out six years ago. I wonder if s/he would still identify as female if it weren’t for the political and online climate that we are currently living in.
Inga, thank you so much for your touching text. I cried of anger and pain for what they are doing to our girls. Here in Brazil it’s the same hysteria.
I take it that the doctors in Brazil have also gone out of their way, to ignore the majority of evidence available, that shows there is long term damage…from the cocktail to the surgeries…..to their patients who choose these ‘electives’???
Not being mean….far from it. ‘Hysteria’ and ‘elective’ go hand in hand, when the brigade is discussed.
Your not being mean. You´re tottaly right. Brazil is a very, very homophobic country. Effeminate boys and butch girls are being chemically castrated by homophobic parents – or parents who r too scared to say no. And many more will be. I tried to speak on an university around 1 year ago and LGBT´s activist shut down my speech.
Damn….sorry that you were prevented from speaking on the issues.
This makes one wonder, if any of the activists know, that they are looking at…much like the US and parts of the EU…..at a major health crisis that will be arriving in about 10-20 years, as a result of the levels of malpractice. Ranging anywhere from cardiovascular/circulatory problems [heart attacks, DVT, strokes] from the overuse of the HRT cocktails to a long list of mental issues that will be enabled by same [yes, the HRT changes the brain…..BUT…if one is getting the chemicals that were not part of the OEM parts…the change is for the negative, as well as even turbocharge destructive behaviors, in ways that are no different than drug addiction otherwise]..and those are just for openers.
One needs to ask the brigade there, how in a country which is cash poor [contrary to the image during the Olympics and the World Cup] there is not going to be a fight between the ‘elective’ class and the regular population, for dwindling medical resources? In short…who is going to be at the top of the triage list, etc.
Powerful. This mirrors my experience. Though my daughter still identifies as trans, she has stopped using her “other” name and no longer wears a binder. She is being treated for some underlying issues and is resembling the girl I used to know more. We are not out of the woods by any means but I do see a glimmer of light. It’s terrifying that our stories and those of detransitioners are silenced. They only want to see the full on 100% conversion. Hoping the tide turns soon.
My father decided to transition a couple of years ago in his late 50s. Although I’m the child in the relationship I relate to many of your thoughts and feelings. I see the transition as self-harm so I can’t be the happy affirming child he wants me to be. Despite saying he is happier my dad has been more and more emotionally fragile since the transition and has had a range of physical health problems I can’t help but think are being made worse or caused by the cocktail of hormones he is on. In addition, my parents retirement has been delayed several years to pay for the transition. At the same time I still love my dad and don’t want to lose him from my life. It is very hard and I don’t know how long I’ll get away with just avoiding expressing my feelings about the situation. I hope I don’t have to make a choice between having my dad in my life and being complicit in something I don’t believe in.
@saddaughter If I may, one of the problems with the HRT in later years, is that…contrary to what is said by the brigade….some of the issues that are exacerbated include high blood pressure, vascular/circulatory clogging [as in DVT’s], liver damage and renal damage. No matter how low the dosage or even how strict the monitoring, these are on the horizon and can happen faster as one ages.
What makes me wonder here….and not trying to pry….but has there been any discussion in the family, about doctors raising red flags and postponing the transition or, having a workaround, so that there is no need for dialysis, statins, etc??? Reason why I ask is that the brakes had to be put on same here [which is a long story in itself, which several folks here…..including @GallusMag know about and can confirm], due to the artificial nature of the estrogen being rec, as well as that…no different than with steroids, there is liver and kidney damage, that may not be reversible. AND seeing there is a shortage of organs for transplant [as well as alternatives, if the kidneys are damaged by the HRT]…there is even more trouble that your father may be setting himself up for.
There are several sources, legitimate sources which can verify the info about the damage. They range from the folks at Hopkins to articles in like publications, akin to JAMA. A heads up: those can and are technical…but they beat the daylights out of the crap, the brigade posts, which are far from legit….and far from peer reviewed.
@saddaughter: I can related to the part about wanting the person in your life, but not wanting to take part in or support the transition process. I struggle constantly between inviting my daughter over or just letting a lot of time go by between visits because hearing her voice change has had a seriously negative impact on my mood. I miss her, but the person that comes over isn’t the same person we used to know. I slip into a heavy depression immediately after her visits. And yet, I’m extremely sad about hardly ever seeing her. How’s that for a catch-22? 🙁
Then there’s her little brother, who is 12, who misses his sissy. One day she’s going to come over and realize he’s practically a grown man and she’s going to wonder what happened to his childhood all that she missed out on.
This was so beautiful, thank you. It is a tough road and as a good friend often reminds me, there can still be a happy ending and these strong women have their whole lives to make life truly fulfilling by eventually understanding the truth. All that takes is a long look in the mirror, a look back at those they left behind and rejected and ignored; a look forward one step at a time to correct these grievous errors and to find joy again. So much time wasted when life is so short. Thank you for helping us carry this burden with such a beautiful reflection.
Thank you very much Inga for your story, again, it’s so similar to ours. Our life changed two and a half years ago and I would do anything to go back back to the happy life we had back then, We tell our daughter that we love her and will always support her but we don’t agree with her decision. We don’t call her by her preferred name and don’t say he, but we do avoid saying she or her. The thing is, other than her outward appearance, I see no evidence of a male in her. She has no male friends, she goes to an all girls school and loves her female friends. I’ve tried to stay strong but I’m so worried and stressed and even more now that she contacted the Tavistock herself. She’s counting down the days until her 16 birthday and the worry is consuming me. I’ve just read an article about Superdrug offering Botox. They have set a minimum age of 25 and after an hours consultation with a qualified doctor or nurse, they can refuse treatment if they feel the customer has body dysphoria. I bet you the Tavistock won’t be refusing my child life changing, irreversible treatment. I just hope and pray that my daughter will hold off just long enough to mature and think more clearly about what she is doing. My heart goes out to all the families suffering here.
It’s so concerning that you can get HRT as young as 16 in the UK! 🙁 That’s not a good age to be making life-changing decisions.
I heard about botox services screening customers for body dismorphia as well and was really pleased about it, but was also saddened that gender clinics don’t do the same thing for people who want hormones and surgery! I actually think that gender dysphoria is a very close cousin of body dismorphia, except the latter is at least treated as a mental illness.
I wish I could say “it’s not the end of the world” from where I stand. My daughter has actually started injecting herself with testosterone and frankly, it does feel like the end of the world. She is literally destroying her body, turning her back on all the things she used to love, right up until she was about 20 years old, and not participating in life. My daughter not only had the influence of Tumblr and DeviantArt, but a real person who lived close by who has not only convinced my daughter she’s trans, but convinced her own brother he is trans as well. My daughter has lived in the home with these people since she was 18, after she quietly left our house without even saying good-bye (because she didn’t like our expectations of go to school and/or get a job.) She is now 22 and although she did finally get her GED she has yet to get a job or attend any college. For the past 4 years she’s been living in their home, rent free, staring at her phone. And now, because Planned Parenthood requires no proof of living as the opposite gender or consultation with a mental health practitioner she is getting the testosterone. (She was wearing dresses, makeup, jewelry and using the women’s restroom right up until about 6 months ago and 90% of her friends are female. She’s never even been a “tomboy.”) We are devastated, literally.
Ah, Ginger, this is sad. Here’s the thing: “Trans” is not an occupation. You still have to get an education; you still have to get a job. The world is not going to hand you these things. In general.
To me some of this young-adult transing is just a variation on the classic “failure to launch.” There is a deep-rooted fear of adulthood in some of our kids, and adopting a trans identity (with its built-in victim status and supportive peer group, for some) appears to be one way of avoiding dealing with the hard tasks of becoming an adult. (And they ARE hard tasks; some kids just can’t cope with the pressure.)
Yeah, Planned Parenthood stopped getting any $ from me a while back, that’s for sure. I cannot believe they hand out the T like candy, but … right now, they do.
I hope your kid comes back to herself in the not-too-distant. The folks who are letting her live with them rent-free aren’t doing her any favors.
You hit the nail on the head!
Inga, your thoughts echo so many of my own ideas/opinions. Especially vis a vis parent interactions with detransitioners/desisters, and with regard to supporting your kid while hanging onto your own human integrity.
You’re a good mom. Your kid will see it, feel it, increasingly as time goes by — just as you still are supported by the love of your own mom.
Thanks for sharing this with us all.
Thank you so so much for this. It’s like you are speaking directly to and for me. I hope we all continue to try to speak out about this and find strength and hope in each others’ stories. Your piece has given me both. Thank you again.
I even wrote a letter and sent it to three of the PP clinics in the area (as I don’t know which one my daughter went to) and I’ve gotten no response. I was civil, not hostile, and described my daughter’s behavior and lack of maturity over the last 6 years, etc.
My mom has volunteered to go to the nearest clinic with me and ask to speak to someone in person. Perhaps it won’t have any immediate effect on my personal situation, but we must start somewhere. We need to speak up. I hope others will think about doing the same. My heart goes out to all the parents going through this.
When I was a PFLAG leader, I had a file marked “crazy people.” And every parent who was concerned about a child or teen’s transition, for any reason (even a parent who questioned and did not immediately affirm) automatically went into that file, I think you should keep trying, and keep warning, and keep pushing (because what else can we do, at the end of the day) but do understand, they’re starting out from the assumption that you’re crazy, if not worse.
Yes, sadly, I know this.
Hi Ginger.
Do you know about http://www.parentsofrogdkids.com? Through this website, there are an increasing number of small support groups for parents being formed- UK, US and Canada primarily. I feel your pain. My youngest daughter (age 21) is taking injectable T and privately-paid to have her breasts removed. It’s heartbreaking.
You are not alone. You’re stronger than you know. Wishing you some peace. Sending you hugs.
Mumtears
Thank you! I will definitely look into it. Have been wishing for a support group for a long time now.
And thanks for the reminder. I needed that.
I could have written all these posts. Ambiguous loss is real . We , meaning most families , will go to the moon and back to help our children flourish . Once they turn 18 we can no longer stop them from doing anything . Love is the bottom line that is for certain. We now have a 21 year -old not happy after transitioning with a host of issues . Everything we thought as parents and voiced has come to roost . We never once did not support our child nor ask them to leave our home- the contrary. Were we supported by a team at our local Children’s Hospital when we clearly suggested our child needed therapy ? No . Again a few years later…same scenario – thrown under the bus. There is extreme right or extreme left – no middle ground – no common sense. No real data or research on the long term effects of hormone therapies . I urge these so -called “professionals” to stop throwing parents adrift and to seriously stay as objective as possible . We are allies of the LGBTQ community and we are open-minded . Yes human -beings need to be who they are and to be loved and respected . Where is the middle road in all of this ?
Sadly…there is no middle road in this, if only due to how the brigade goes about co-opting media, the schools, etc to have their message[s] blared and broadcast, with little or no opposition. And as we know….any opposition is called ….[shudders]…..’phobic’, even if the opposition is based on facts and peer-reviewed studies.
As has been pointed out by quite a few others, here and on other sites…this is an industry. And the elimination of a middle road/path for persons in this, is akin to how…let’s say…BP went out of it’s way to quash data and severe criticism, after the ‘Deepwater Horizon’ incident. Sadly…..in about 10-15 years, when the children who have been experimented on by these ‘professionals’ come down with MI’s, DVT’s, cardiovascular malfunctions, executive and emotional function impairments…among others….then some will then say ‘gee…..we should have come up with another way’. But at that time it will be too late…and media will be filled with law firms, making their hay on class action suits v. doctors and hospitals who engaged in this, sans any brakes.
and we are left with a beautiful soul who just said to me : mommy I am so sorry for this disaster ………all I can say is I love you …it will be ok. However here in Canada no recourse with this . Anger will not solve any of this . I want my child to be whole and flourishing – whatever that means .
In the mean time these so called professionals need to think this through holistically and WHOLE-istacally …..which they arenèt doing presently .
My daughter and I were always really close. I did everything I could to give her a fairytale childhood, despite very limited funds. She was a ray of sunshine in a room, full of joy with a love of bright colours, sparkly things and dancing.
When she was 15 she said that she wanted a pair of sparkly, red, tap shoes for Xmas so she could click her heels together for real 3 times and say “There’s no place like home”. I think this illustrates the ball of excitement and joy everyone came to associate with her as well as illustrating that she was quite childlike for her age in some ways, though extremely clever.
A few years ago, not too long after she started Uni, she started using a lot more social media, then started hanging out with a lot more trans identifying kids.
She then had all her hair cut short, started wearing clothes that hid her body, usually checked shirts. Started acting like she was ashamed of her body. Started wearing bras that hid her chest. She stopped coming home from uni. She was permanently on her phone, where previously she had a tendency to leave it behind.
She sent me an email to tell me that she wasn’t a boy or a girl, that she was non binary and was to be referred to as ‘they/them’.
I completely broke. I’d been stressing for a long time that something had happened to her with she sudden change in the way she acted. I still don’t know that it hasn’t. I miss my little girl, my ray of sunshine who was suddenly hiding herself. I refused to change the way I referred to her, because she’s my daughter, and that means something. This crazy idea that male or female is a feeling in your head, or defined by your behaviors. I can’t get behind a lie, especially as historically, she never seemed to have any issue whatsoever with being female.
She doesn’t seem happy at all, or herself. I worry about if I am doing the right thing by not entertaining this, especially as I rarely see her. She’s dating some man who seems to firmly believe he is a woman, and I think he is a lot older. He and I have not met. I suspect he knows we probably wouldn’t get along.
The other day she posted a new profile pic on Facebook and it looks like she has a mustache slightly. A few people noticed it. I’m now terrified that my baby girl has started taking hormones. She’s totally immersed in this whole culture while at uni (she has a rented flat nearby) and I feel like I have no control over anything. She’s 20 now. Technically an adult. While we used to live in each other’s pockets, I now feel like I’ve lost her.
I’m devastated, and enraged while consumed with a feeling of impotence. I’m enraged because she owes me more than this. My parents have barely seen her either. She makes no effort. She sent me an email rather than tell me things face to face, then we have this Facebook pic. I’ve been so stressed and upset over the past couple of years. My partner and I even broke up for a while, a large part of it due to the strain of this. We’ve been together 16 years. She doesn’t know about this, and as I see less and less of the loving, caring young person she always was, I don’t even know if she would care. I’ve spent the last few days since the Facebook picture crying, pretty much constantly. This is my life now and I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.
I am at a loss for words Firestarter except to say I do know what that feels like to suddenly wake up and a child who was once one gender floating happily is something entirely different and somehow you as a parent are dissed completely . I wish I could tell you to seek help – which is a good idea but you need support from those who are experiencing it and who get it . Sadly many just see parents as getting in the way . From what I see on this page many of us here do get it . I do . My heart is with you . I offer you hugs and hope your daughter has thought this through . Be well my friend. xox
Thanks Tori.
If this had happened at 15 or 14, I feel like I might have been able to influence her a bit more. She would have been coming home to me and not this echo chamber of kids doing the same thing.
When you said that your kid said “mommy, I’m so sorry for this disaster”, I cried so hard. That’s what my daughter used to call me, even in her teens. To have her be waiting for me when I got home with open arms, saying “Mommy!” would be the most wonderful thing in the world. I love her so much and I miss her with a physical pain that won’t leave me.
Firestarter- talk it out please . You are not alone. It is an ambiguous loss- look it up( Pauline Boss) . My mother is a grief counselor . I screamed at one point and said No body to bury and that does not mean I wish my child dead . People just don’t get it unless they are in these shoes . Today I asked my child …is gender dysphoria something that still belongs in the DSM ? Do you think it is a mental illness…what did she respond? Oh of course . What can I say . This comes from a 21 year old who has removed breasts and been on T for 20 months . What I want to say to the extremely progressive PRO medical community out there is this …..think this through for love of humanity !!
It would take me weeks to tell my 6 year saga here. And I know there is no point in getting angry it will not help us in the long run . I will keep you in my good thoughts and peace to you xox .
I really relate to what you are saying, particularly in this passage: I simply cannot bring myself to do it. It would be dishonest for me to call her my son when I don’t believe she’s male. Plus, I don’t think it’s helpful for me to allow my daughter to dictate how I define words like “male” and “female.” Does this mean I love my child less than the mothers who affirm their children?”
I feel like I am being held hostage and there is no way out of this situation, beyond a wait-and-see attitude. It is unbearable trying to reason with my daughter who is convinced she is male. It has been three and half years for her (she is 17, nearly 18) and like you, I do my best to show her love and support without supporting this choice (which she keeps telling me is not a choice). Thanks for sharing your thoughts. They echo mine.
Except for the unique details of specific situations, I could have written this myself. I’m wiping the tears from my eyes and so grateful to you for speaking what’s in my heart. I write my daughter a love note every day, kiss her on the head and tell her I love every night before bed. I’m lucky that she still shares the rest of her interests with me and seems to have let go, for now anyway, the notion that she doesn’t belong in our family. I will love her through this and no matter the outcome, but I cannot lie for her or support her to reject her female form. She’s not shown any sign of desistance yet. I also avoid gendered language, and my m.o. is to do everything in my power to make sure she can’t convince herself I don’t love her. I am currently working through the worst case scenarios in my own mind and hoping beyond hope that “the fierceness of my love will sustain her.” Every day, I am stunned that this where we have arrived as a culture.
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