by Helena
Helena is a 20-year-old woman who identified first as nonbinary, and later as a transgender man, from 2013 through 2018. In 2016, she began medical transition by taking testosterone, and detransitioned two years later. Helena was an avid Tumblr user during the time she thought she was trans. In retrospect she can see the profound influence the social media platform had on her life and the development of her trans identity — and the impact it continues to have on many young people. In this article, Helena dissects Tumblr as a platform, explaining to the uninitiated that its very structure lends itself to the self-referential ruminations of troubled teens–teens attempting to navigate and find their place in the identity-besotted cyber-culture that has all but replaced in-person interactions in the 21st century.
This piece will is the first of three that analyze aspects of Tumblr Helena has observed as detrimental to the massive numbers of youth who call the site their virtual home. Part 2 can be found here. Helena can be found on Twitter @lacroicsz and is a member of the Pique Resilience Project. She is available to interact in the comments section of this post.
We’ve all read Lord of the Flies, right? A bunch of tween boys get stranded on an island and all of their deepest, most repressed urges surface as they desperately attempt to organize and manage the tiny preteen society they’ve found themselves in. The novel ends in bloodshed, as the author theorizes that the immaturity, communication breakdown, and decision making difficulties one would find in a group of adolescent boys would create a chamber of destruction. How would it have ended differently, some have asked, if the story was one of a stranded group of girls? What would happen if every troubled, isolated, self-loathing, depressed, and emotionally overwrought teenage girl in the world wound up alone on an island?
Tumblr. Tumblr would happen.
Tumblr: you either love it, hate it, or have no clue what it is. Tumblr is the microblogging platform that has given birth to some of the most intensely devoted fan bases online, with over 456 million registered accounts as of 2019. While known widely for fandom-related art, writing, and discussion, there is another, darker aspect of Tumblr that requires a better acquaintance with online communities to understand. In many corners of the internet, Tumblr is known as the core of a certain brand of leftist ideology, not-so-affectionately dubbed the “Social Justice Warriors.” It is these “SJWs” that have taken the site from a platform for fan content to a highly influential ideological powerhouse.
However, an analysis of Tumblr as simply a bunch of “crazy SJWs” does not do the site justice. To understand Tumblr and its influence in youth mental health, culture and politics, you must realize that Tumblr is not simply a site some people visit to share their opinions or look at pictures. You must stop viewing it as merely a website, but as more of a dimension: it has its own social rules, hierarchies, ideologies, and interconnected communities. As a site where millions of people, mainly teenage girls cut off from the outside world, maintain constant daily connection, it has developed into a true culture–the mammoth hub of alternative teenage lifestyle.
Most people are aware of the new challenges our increasingly online culture presents to us. The internet has given rise to a slew of new concerns about psychological impacts, particularly pertaining to previously nonexistent and more covert forms of predatory or manipulative behavior. Tumblr is, of course, just one website out of many that raises these concerns, so why does Tumblr specifically matter? It matters because Tumblr, to millions of its users, is not simply a social media platform. It is their world, the place where these teens make their deepest friendships, express their most vulnerable selves, and begin to develop their own identities. It is also the world from which a surprising amount of our modern-day social justice ideology emerges.
The internet is the 21st century town square, and it is no secret that the discourse that takes place on it is at the forefront of every aspect of our society and politics, Twitter being perhaps the most notable example. On Tumblr, there is a running joke that “Twitter is everything Tumblr was three years ago;” in other words, whatever social justice topic is fashionable on Twitter at any given time has long since been beaten dead on Tumblr. As someone who spent 2011 to 2016 on Tumblr, and 2016 to 2019 on Twitter, I can confirm this as true–the discourse we see on the liberal sides of Twitter would have been seen on Tumblr three years ago.
Recursive antiterf virtue signaling
When I check up on some of the current Twitter topics (such as queer theory) on Tumblr in 2019, the conversations are far more intricate and removed from reality than they are currently on Twitter. As time progresses, the seriously confused debates and ideas cooking within the Tumblr echo chamber find their way to other platforms and push those user bases in the same direction. This is scary because, unlike Tumblr, Twitter is taken very seriously. Citizens can converse with politicians, celebrities, and influencers in a way that was never possible before, and activists can reach a spectrum of people who would have otherwise never listened to them. Now, when I think about the kind of ideologies I subscribed to as a teenager on Tumblr, and as I see them being played out on Twitter and in the real world years later, it deeply concerns me. My concern about this trend is exacerbated even further when I realize that most people do not understand the planet from which many aspects of online activism emerge. And this lack of understanding is shared by a wide demographic, including professionals, parents, and confused Leftists and Liberals blindsided by the turn activism has taken in the last half decade.
Now, before I begin the first installment of this adventure through the space-Tumblr continuum, I must issue a disclaimer: I am no expert in psychology, sociology, or social media. Research into the complexities of social media and the various platforms’ effects on human communication and mental health is a growing field, with new empirical studies emerging rapidly. My observations as a former daily user of Tumblr are purely that: my observations. This being said, I have insight into the site that gives me an advantage over those who may be curious from the outside, experts or not. When I look back on my time spent on Tumblr, I am overwhelmed by the many malignant qualities I see reflected in my own actions and beliefs, and those of the site’s current and former user base. After mulling it over (and spending way too much time scouring the site for visible patterns of dysfunctional behavior), I have identified three crucial aspects that make Tumblr the problem it is, the first of which I’ll discuss in this article.
#1 Tumblr is designed in a way that fundamentally enables extreme groupthink, manipulation of information, destructive interactions, and distorted ways of thinking.
Information on Tumblr is shared in two main ways: posts and reblogs. Posts are content that users share on their Tumblr blogs. Posts can take the form of text, imagery, quotes, links, audio, or video. Reblogs are posts that users share that originally appeared on the blogs of other Tumblr users. If you are familiar with Twitter, the concept of “tweets” and “retweets” is a good comparison. When a user reblogs a post, they have the option to add a comment that will appear below the original post’s text. Other users may reblog the content further, each time adding their own comments. Eventually, you may have a long comment chain emerging from a single reblog.
Above is an example of Tumblr’s reblog and caption system at work. At the top is the original post, and the bottom two comments are the comments that existed on the version of this post at the time the person who reblogged the chain onto my dashboard chose to reblog it. There may be countless other versions of this post that others are reblogging, with different captions added onto it, all under the same original post. All the interactions, including likes, reblogs, captions, and replies that exist for this post can be seen by clicking the “notes” indicator on the bottom left hand side.
Innocuous as this may seem from the screenshot above, it is this very feature of Tumblr that I find to be one of the most problematic. On posts that are more emotionally or politically charged, it’s not uncommon for users to reblog full blown arguments that, by the last visible caption in that particular version of the post, arrive at a conclusion, often reflecting the beliefs of their established social circle. This prevents the reader from ingesting the point the original poster was trying to make and coming to their own logical conclusion, because they have a certain version of a back and forth dialogue laid out for them, often expressed in a very intense and polarized way that makes the final conclusion seem more correct simply because of the way the argument is framed. Unless one has the self awareness to check the full amalgamation of comments in the notes section and attempt to decipher the jumbled mess of heated additions to the post, one isn’t going to get every side of the argument. Unbeknownst to the reader, there could be yet another comment after the “conclusion” that could completely flip their view on the topic once again.
After months, or years of developing opinions and a worldview through spoon-fed arguments that disengage the mind from processing the information at hand autonomously, critical thinking skills can take a serious hit. When one listens to a live debate or has an engaging conversation with another human being, information can be shared back and forth, enabling all parties present to grow from the debate, learn from each other, sharpen their critical thinking skills, and refine their own arguments and world views. On Tumblr, this necessary form of communication and intellectual development is often lost to this new sort of “factory farmed” way of forming opinions and debate (or lack thereof), resulting in highly opinionated youth who have never actually thought about what they believe and why they believe it. I once passionately held beliefs that I believed were my own, but when I tried to describe them in my own words, I would often arrive at a sort of mental barrier. As my peers and I exchanged scripted rationalizations, we were unable to connect the dots between the intellectual blind spots in our own minds.
As users read through the captions on a contentious post, especially if they are unfamiliar with the topic, it’s not uncommon for their opinions on the matter to flip back and forth with every comment they read as they go down the post. The reader then eventually arrives at the stern conclusion, which they are likely to adopt as their own. Readers may also feel pressure to agree with the dominant opinion in that particular snippet of the conversation, as the person framed as being “wrong” or the “loser” typically is indicated to be bigoted or stupid, often receiving backlash or public humiliation based on the particular version of the post a certain circle of users is reblogging.
When you try to navigate the world of Tumblr posts, the task of separating fact from fiction is herculean. A major part of the online experience for people with better critical-thinking skills is the constant effort to contextualize and cross-check events, claims, and sources. Children and teens often do not have these skills just yet, and it seems that Tumblr’s developers have failed to compensate for this at all. Sites like Facebook have claimed to take a stand against “fake news” while many users on Twitter and other sites encourage others to refrain from knee-jerk reactions to “news,” and to cross-check claims before letting the starving Rottweiler of outrage out of its kennel. Tumblr, however, has neither the self-aware user base to encourage such attitudes, nor a team of developers who seem to care about whether or not the confusion of Tumblr users is affecting their mental health, let alone influencing international public discourse.
Users can also interact more interpersonally in the form of “asks” (direct messages that can be answered either publicly or privately and have the option to be sent anonymously), as well as instant messaging via the Tumblr chat function. “Asks” will appear in the inbox, and are more often than not a variety of different types of messages as opposed to actual questions. The option for anonymity has allowed for this feature to be used as the primary method of bullying or harassment, as well as, interestingly enough, a method for users to send themselves messages, often hateful, to gain sympathy or manipulate discourse happening within their social circle.
When a user makes a statement that another group considers “problematic”, it is not uncommon for that user to be absolutely obliterated with anonymous messages demanding changed behavior, apologies, or simply exercising the sender’s desire to decimate someone online. When someone is harassed like this over a heretical statement, the entire situation, along with the mental state of the user being attacked, often descends into complete chaos.
It is expected that when you are called out, you immediately and calmly apologize (flog yourself) and promise to never do whatever it is you are being called out for again. Even then, it is hard to satiate the hungry mob. People who appear too calm can be accused of not taking the situation seriously or disrespecting the feelings and concerns of those who were offended. It is always a lose-lose-lose-lose….lose… situation, and as you may have already discerned, critical thinking in this atmosphere is nearly impossible. Without the anonymity of the ask feature, and the capability for one user to send multiple messages causing an illusion of a mass attack, mole hills would not be perceived as mountains as often as they are. What is in reality more likely to be an individual perceiving your words as offensive begins to feel like you have stepped on a mine that has just decimated the peace and order of your entire community, even if it really is just one or two people sending dozens of anonymous hate messages (often including to your friends and followers) and calling enough attention to the situation that your entire social circle is pressured to stand up and persecute you for your crimes.
To a young teen who knows no better source of community, this can feel devastating. There is intense pressure to avoid critical thought and embrace toxic tribal attitudes, heavily valuing conformance with ideology over individualism and loyalty to important relationships. When someone is accused, their friends are expected to sever ties with the accused, lest they themselves be accused of supporting or conspiring with a convicted transphobe, racist, or abuser, as perceived by the community. These experiences sound crazy, and they most certainly are, but they would not be happening to the extent and in the fashion that they do on different social media sites without some of the particular features mentioned above.
If that wasn’t enough, there is a final piece of inspiring web development that makes Tumblr unique: Tumblr posts don’t have timestamps. Unlike your timeline on Twitter, Reddit, or YouTube, your Tumblr dashboard offers no way of knowing when something was posted. It could have been four hours ago or four years ago. It’s not uncommon for posts written in urgency about a certain situation, oftentimes having been previously debunked (even in the notes sometimes! Too bad 99% of the user base would never think to check. See what I mean about that being a problem?) to continue circulating years later, inspiring misinformed or unnecessary fear within readers. This lack of time context can seriously distort a person’s perception of events or political and social climate. Too many users are getting their news, partaking in a community, developing a sociopolitical ideology, and curating their own identities based on internet posts floating around in a vacuum devoid of reference to reality; not even time.
“Call-out culture,” the pervasive danger of groupthink, attitudes towards mental illness, and militant activism are all topics I will analyze in more depth as this investigation progresses in later installments. As concerned adults or Tumblr veterans, we must understand that these noxious conditions are a result of the site’s fundamental building blocks and not purely a reflection of the character of the individuals who use it. Tumblr seems to be designed for destruction, and it’s incredibly sad that one of the only places so many young people feel able to express themselves is also oriented in a way that seriously compromises their emotional and intellectual development. This online world feels like a necessity for so many young people. I myself wonder if I would have survived the most turbulent and depressed years of my young adolescence if it were not for the capacity for self expression and friendship I found on Tumblr. This is why we have to understand the many ways in which the site has gone wrong, and how these outcomes can be traced down to Tumblr’s very roots. Consider the fact that adolescent distress is being fed into a convoluted mechanism designed for distortion, and the whole thing begins to make a lot more sense.
Thank you for reading, and I look forward to sharing more of this online world with the real one. Stay tuned for Parts 2 and 3.
Tmblr stole my son, who is now a lost soul. This is all so incredibly true and spot on, turned our world upside down.
Tumblr stole my daughter. It started with anorexia and self-harming in secret. All I could see was the internet addiction, the secretiveness, loss of ability to communicate with me. It has ended with her changing her name on her passport, taking testosterone and attempting suicide several times since adopting a false unsuitable and unhealthy identity. The biggest lie is that she is female and is deceived into thinking she is male. The ultimate state of confusion.
I’m living this nightmare too
Reading the comments here is just heartbreaking :(. Wish we could all meet in person for support, but I’m grateful we at least have this space.
Ditto. I’m trying to cope with unreasonably unnecessary estrangement from my “FTM” daughter, and it’s literally killing me… but this article leaves me feeling much more hopeful that common sense and reality will prevail – eventually.
I am also living this nightmare, estranged from my FTM daughter, who has isolated herself and spewed evil lies against us. I love her so much and just want her back 💔
This is absolutely spot on. I joined tumblr as an adult and I love it for its fandom heaven but I’m severely concerned about the things you mentioned. If I had been exposed to it as a teen I’m sure I would have developed some or other serious issue.
It’s like Mean Girls on steroids.
That’s half a joke. I’m really half serious. Girl culture, as in what might happen should a bunch of young teen girls end up on an island, could inevitably result in a version of Mean Girls.
You mean Heathers? (Sorry, the other half of the joke.)
Helena, I have watched some of Pique’s videos, watched the recent March 15th panel with three of you and Sheila Jeffreys and want to thank you for your trailblazing honesty and speaking out. This article here is brilliant. Brilliant insights in brilliant, crystal clear writing. I have only known of Tumblr from a distance and you illuminated it to me with its pitfalls and dangers. Your writing is top notch! I read this article aloud to my husband and he (who is an excellent writer himself) said it should be a book. I agree. What you are giving people is immeasurable. Thank you!
One of my biggest regrets is having not the faintest clue what Tumblr was (I thought it was kids sharing photos of cute cats), nor what my depressed and anxious teenage daughter was accessing before she identified as trans. This post should be required reading for every clinician and teacher working with adolescents. In fact, politicians need to pay urgent heed too, particularly in the light of the role of social media promoting other forms of self-harm, and even suicide.
I began telling our therapists about this exact issue about five years ago. All I got was eye rolls and sad discussions about conspiracy theories.
Finally got our original therapist to take a look and she sincerely apologized to me for not taking my concerns and observations seriously. Although, I still think she thinks a lot of this was concentrated on my kid and we were some one-off situation.
A conspiracy theory????Since when are facts a conspiracy theory??????
Unbelievable…..I am sorry that those therapists acted that way and were co-opted by the brigade. Please keep in mind, there is a growing resistance to what is being passed off as ‘science’ by those, who do not have both elevators going to the top floor.
I am rarely at a loss for words however I have so much to say and share I do not know where to begin. Parents do the best they can possibly do at the given moment. From what I know now – we did . We can’t go backwards and we can’t go forwards . We can live in the moment and just move on . So with this being said Thank you for all of this as I now know I am sane . I am balanced and I am whole . My daughter is de-transitioning . She feels she is non – binary – gay . However we are left with 2.5 years of testosterone effects – no breasts , changed birth cert and passport . My daughter has also been diagnosed with a mental disorder by a psychiatrist and confirmed by 2 others . We now have decent care . We begin anew . We deep breathe . How did this come about ? Exactly from all this above. I sincerely agree with Helena’s post regarding “social media” , and group think et al. What is a parent to do ? We do not need our children self- harming – committing suicide and trust me the harm and threats are real . These children are aching . I have lived this for 6 years . I appreciate the support on this blog immensely . Sadly the caregivers really have no clue what our children are going through . They are not asking the right questions and they are not listening actively to us – the parents who are still there long after all these so -called “professionals” have long gone ……….left the picture.
(((Hugs)))–so tough, tori22j. Thank you for sharing your journey. I know some of us are right there with you and the rest of us are thinking “there but for the grace of God go I…” You absolutely did everything you could, you are brave, and you are doing the right thing for your daughter now. And thank you, Helena, for this analysis and warning.
From the opposite perspective:
We never thought that a transidentification was the heart of our daughter’s issues and we had psychiatric diagnoses, but she would say trans to a therapist and then the turn would come where WE were supposed to examine why we were the problem and how transitioning would solve everything.
Unfortunately, our daughter took our resistance to approving medicalization while she was a minor as abuse. She was encouraged in this by the current climate. Her mental health issues meant she was susceptible to taking this encouragement too far and she began abusing everyone in the family. And I’m talking actual abuse, not just disagreeing. She hit every single one of us — me, her dad, her two sisters. We had to call the police several times because she was taller than both her father and me. We found out after we found treatment for her away from our family, that she had been threatening violence against her sisters if they told us that she was verbally abusing them. And there’s a nice example of emotional abuse. She threatened multiple times to commit suicide if we didn’t agree to hormones and surgery and we took her to the ER every single time and I had to explain to professionals that this was a particularly ugly tactic of manipulation. She reported us to CPS as abusive and our family had to be investigated.
Due to all of that, we couldn’t allow her to live in our home. We didn’t kick her out — we sent her to treatment (during which she desisted) and we were fortunate in that extended family agreed to take her on following treatment– and she was now a legal adult and 18. She has a full-time job, she lives with family, we talk/text/Facetime multiple times a week. She refuses to go to therapy and still sometimes lashes out at us for what SHE did.
I realize that most families aren’t actually dealing with a kid who becomes an abuser. So, not only was I trying to find help for my kid but also for all of us, because I couldn’t allow her to stay and force her sisters to live with their abuser anymore. However, without the trans sidetrack, we probably could have gotten care faster and possibly saved all of our family expense, time, and additional pain.
My takeaway from this teen trans mess is that no one gets out without scars — just some of them are not physical. If a parent resists, there’s a risk that you’re dealing with a mentally ill person without proper care. That’s a no-win situation. There’s the other possibility that the “community” paints you as an enemy and that damages your family. The family damage was entirely the fault of a community which wants to turn the family structure into a system to support their own goals. If you stand against that, you will realize that any member can sell you out and it becomes impossible to unsee that.
It also is almost too painful for the kid who wreaks that havoc to bear taking responsibility for. But I can no more erase her (not entirely thoughtful) part in that damage than you can erase the fact that your kid made permanent changes to her body.
No one gets out unharmed, you just can’t see the damage on the surface sometimes.
Wow – firstly I am so sorry for all of your pain KatieSan and the rest of you on here . Having lived this journey for nearly 6 years I am fully aware of the threats our children make . I am convinced gender dysphoria is a mental illness . The LGBTQ community can judge me all they want I do not care. Once someone transitions then the journey should be over and the person should be whole yet the majority of trans people live on the edge …look at the stats as most are not any happier . My daughter said to me ” I thought it would make me happy and fix what I thought was broken..re PTSD from sexual assault and internal homophobia ” When I read the comments on here how parents are dismissed by doctors , counselors , psychologists and psychiatrists continually yet we are the ones left holding the “bag” , it infuriates me . I do not want this to poison me . I am hanging in like the rest of you doing my best to help my daughter heal from this “mess” . What to do …where to go ….
For what it’s worth, a lot of the LGB community, particularly the L, aren’t particularly pleased that the Ts seem to have latched onto us, to use the credibility and respect we’ve built up over the decades.
Most of the world, I think just see queer people and transgenders as a big bunch of perverts and lump us all together. But, as people and in our lives, there are great differences. Thinking you’re the wrong gender, and who you’re attracted to, are not the same. For one thing that’s why there’s so many MTF transgender “lesbians”, who get very pissed off when other, actually female lesbians don’t want to have sex with them. Denying an MTF access to your vagina because you’re a lesbian is hateful and transphobic. This is a popular view on the Internet.
You’d be doing everyone else a favour if you kept queer people and transgender people separate in your mind. We didn’t ask them to join us.
Regarding Tumblr in general, anything that amplifies a teenager’s self-righteousness should be regarded with fear!
Tori22j
Would you mind telling us (if this does not compromise confidentiality) the age at which you child started T, the age the bilateral mastectomy was performed, and your child’s age now?
Are you also able to say anything about who/where the care providers were with regard to the biomedical treatment of the gender dysphoria?
What you describe is very troubling.
thanks
Ken Zucker, Ph.D.
Hi Dr. Z
18 .9 was the age she started T
19 .6 Masectomy
Originally seen 2x at a well known Gender Variance Clinic in a Well known Cdn Children’s Hosp
Clinic – for t and surgery in a large Cdn City –
this was all ok with a Psychologist’s letter and a letter from a friend- and visited a University that has a Gender Advocacy Centre….
When we told the Clinic in the Hosp /a room full of Shrinks at same hosp /and another centre , our daughter’s story and handed the history file – no one listened .
Today – diagnosed by 2 Well known Psychiatrists re DID -Depression and GAd – DID brought on by A sexual assault .
Yes it is extremely troubling – she was just hospitalized last week for 4 days – extremely depressed and self-harm …
Yet I remain hopeful that healing with proper therapy will occur at some point …….
Helena, I don’t know if I fully grasped how terrifying and dangerous the tumblr format is. You have explained this in such a clear and penetrating way. You certainly sound like an expert and we are all incredibly grateful for your brilliant, honest writing.
I think young people who worry about being ostracised on Tumblr need to remember 2 things:
1. Don’t apologise for any comments you make. The old rules of civility are gone and it is fashionable to refuse to accept apologies. You may think you are apologising for something minor, like causing mild offense, but your enemies will use it as evidence that you are agreeing that you are guilty of the ridiculous, overblown allegations they are trying to pin on you
2. Teenagers and young people are so scared about being ostracised because of biology. The desire to be accepted by the peer group is due to the biologically driven urge to find a mate that emerges at puberty. (Much too early in my opinion but don’t expect nature to be perfect!) If you can recognise this, and recognise that the need for social acceptance fades as you get older, you will find it much easier to deal with people who ostracise you. Sadly, in this sick, individualistic society people are mainly out for themselves and they see your needs only in reference to theirs. So frankly, you don’t need to care what they think of you too much. Think of your family and your partner. Treat others with decency and honour but don’t worry too much about their opinion of you, you can’t control that anyway. Work for a better world where people treat each other decently.
I read this on the bus on my way home from my campus, and it took all my self-discipline not to cheer out loud. I’ve been warning people for years to keep their kids off Tumblr at all costs. It is everything you’ve described here and more. I briefly ran a Tumblr blog a few years back, focused on recovery from an addiction to self-harm that I developed after a trauma. Tumblr’s community came after me. Recovery is not just unpopular there, it is actively discouraged. Mental illness and the dysfunctional behaviors that flow from it aren’t just romanticized–they are celebrated. People who say that recovery is possible are denounced as ableist scum (and *automatically*, if white, racist; if straight, homophobic; if cis, transphobic; etc.). The Tumblr “spoonie” community (chronic illness focused) is in many corners a celebration of opiate addiction, with tips swapped on how and what to say to one’s doctors to get around prescribing regulations and bloggers who attempt to do more than apply for disability and blog all day told they have “internalized ableism.” I could systematically break down many other corners of Tumblr, including the way that it actively and directly leads kids to believe they’re trans. (Someone in my in-box tried that on me once because I said that I didn’t like or use makeup and thus had no knowledge base to draw from with regard to covering visible cutting scars. They just KNEW I was trans! They’d always had a feeling about me!), but you are doing a much better job of breaking down that hellsite than I ever could. I eagerly await part 2 and send you my deepest, deepest thanks!
Ms Karen Richardson/tori22J and I have the same story, now my once beautiful daughter is nearing 25 yo, bearded, angry, working at Starbucks, hating me and everything, but wanting me to pay most basic needs of life…it is utterly heartbreaking, the virtue signaling done by my former beautiful daughter is strong revealing a big commitment to “the cause”. It is unbelievably terrible.
Pay nothing. She won’t love you any more for it. You will be feeding a monster. An adult pays their own way.
Your daughter needs a dose of reality. Having to live on just the money she earns should be helpful with that. Don’t coddle her.
Having some real adult problems in life might make her less tolerant of the cult of whining and self-victimisation that Tumblr is.
While you’re her mother and love her, your place in life is not just standing there taking abuse. If she’s going to be rude, be rude back. Give her a shock.
You don’t have to let her starve to death, but living on ramen for a while won’t kill her.
Maybe if you didn’t care so much for your daughter’s “beauty”, she wouldn’t have desperately tried to escape womanhood.
The transtrend/”non-binary” craze won’t stop for young females until women (and, in the last thirty-five years, increasingly younger and younger girls) are no longer viewed (by society, the media, their peers, supposedly responsible adults, and even their families) as primarily a collection of body parts to be analyzed and beautified in preparation for their use as orifices for another’s enjoyment and vessels for future generations despite the girl/woman’s own innate disgust at heterosexual copulation and pregnancy.
These teenage girls are smart. They correctly realize that despite all the warm ‘n’ fuzzy “acceptance” rhetoric, they–unlike their boy classmates–WILL be judged as ugly, ‘uncool’, WILL be in danger of getting penetrated and impregnated, be pathologized and interrogated for being repulsed by both while at the same time having these innate proclivities constantly denied.
They realize at a young age that, most likely, they will have a far harder, financially poorer (which means less power, less comfort, more danger, and more cruelty) and more lonely and traumatizing life than a male, who not only is ASSUMED to not want to “share” their bodily orifices with another organ or fetus, but also does not have to worry about this fundamental principal of human safety violated against his will, nor be seen as ‘twice inferior’ by most members of society–first, for not being male, second, for not ‘accepting one’s role’ as female.
Trans IS a protest against all of this, and WAS when it first caught on in the early to mid 2000s as an “identity” among gender non-conforming lesbians/”queers”, before it became more social contagion than anything else.
Even in its earliest stages, the “identity” stuff obscured and painted over (with rainbows and glitter, of course), the increasingly horrific societal situation of many girls and women, as well as silencing the biological reality of a tiny minority of natal females with both phenotypical, biosocial, somatic, and neuropsychological/neuropsychiatric manifestations of certain intersex conditions.
For less than 1 percent of current teenage girls–the ones who have unchanging-in-adulthood biological as well as sociological reasons for their feelings about gender/sex/reproduction (such as the intersex condition CAH)–their life in an increasingly dangerous-for-females, oversexualized, pornified, and gendered society will be easier if they transition AS ADULTS, after a ‘real life test’ to see if they feel more comfortable and safe in society in the gender of ‘man’. The aid of cosmetic or dysphoria relieving surgeries and the relief from the physical and mental effects of additional exogenous testosterone (added to the already increased testosterone that an XX person with CAH or similar has) will be helpful, not deleterious, for this tiny population.
However, even for the intersex, this is something that should not be decided upon until adulthood, and should be understood as an extreme outlier position.
As for the other 99 percent of teenage “trans” females, the problems they face have been waved away to keep the “female as masturbatory toy, wallpaper, helpmeet, compulsory mother, or else devalued misfit (who is perhaps still FORCED to be masturbatory toy and all that biologically comes after, without the ‘perks’ one receives for being highly ranked, ie ‘hot’ and gleefully acquiescing/” enthusiastically consenting”) biology-is-destiny-‘cum'{pun intended}-neo-sexism train moving.
And by the “biology-is-destiny-‘cum’-neo-sexism train, I mean Big TechPharma, internet-dominated 21st century dystopic society. Trans activists are their allies.
Bravo. Brilliant comment. Nobody ever mentions the hypersexualized pornographic world we’re all swamped in and the kind of atmoshpere it’s created for children and “teens”/young adults, especially of the female variety. It would almost be hilarious if it wasn’t so gobsmackingly insane that this piece of the puzzle is ignored. Oh well, guess this society is not there yet, to be able to take a good look at themselves and the bigger picture. Who wants that responsibility? We’re all too embarrassed to talk about what’s really going on.
Helena–regarding Twitter being 3 years behind Tumblr, as I’m sure you know, Tumblr’s big thing now is whether dysphoria is required to be trans or whether it can just be a simple choice, with a ton of infighting between the “truscum” aka “transmedicalists” and the brigade asserting that trans is something that can be opted into by those with no dysphoria, which (IMO) turns it into an aesthetic. I’m torn on whether this is a good development or not, since nobody would assert that “goth” or “preppy” or other aesthetics should be legally protected classes. It might help the backlash we desperately need to happen faster….? Hoping you’ll address some of this in parts 2 and 3!
I think the term Goth means different things to different folks. I’m very flamboyantly Goth (Or whatever you want to call it — I’m very flamboyant.) and have been this way for about 2 decades and don’t really intend on being any other way, frankly. It’s funny how being Goth is thought of as a teenage phase. Sure, teenagers experiment with identity, but that doesn’t make the Gothic way of living and being somehow invalid — there are absolutely folks who know for certain that this is who they are. And Goths have had to suffer a lot just to be who we are. We experience harassment and discrimination regularly and nothing is done about it. Often we live in fear of being attacked and potentially killed, and we very often lack family acceptance and support which makes us especially prone to being suicidal or engaging in risk-taking behavior. Goth is an identity which demands as much respect as any other protected category, such as religion, political affiliation, culture, being trans, etc. Our voices need to be heard and taken seriously. I know I take my identity extremely seriously.
You are certainly in your rights to take yourself as seriously as you wish. What you DO NOT have any right to is to get respect from others for anything. That emotion and thought process is completely up to the other person. You do not get to control other’s minds and thoughts. So just deal with it. If you believe in herself it should not matter what others think. So stop telling others how to think and act. You have the right to not be physically harmed by others. That is it.
“There was madness, in any direction, at any hour” – Hunter S Thompson.
How fascinating. An unwell wellspring. Place should be shut down, or modified to stop anonymity, it sounds like. Causing young people a lot of shame and pain and horror with its recruiting into its insane groupthink cult. Disgraceful and disgusting.
For one, Hunter was right….again and in advance. Secondly, seeing the nature of the internet, this is a 24/7/365 ground, where facts are not checked, truth is a menace and any opposition that involves logic, is rejected.
As for shutting it down, oddly enough, as rough as it may be for some to read, if a country deems the operation of an internet site, has a detrimental effect on the population, access can be restricted. Case in point: what China has done with Facebook [unless someone is using their own VPN and can tunnel through]. In the US, that is going to take a major effort. Remember that many of the sites, if they are based here in the states…..many of those who are programmers, administrators in same, tend to have the mindset, as the same vulnerable ones, who use their sites. Hence, they will try to use the First Amendment to protect their right to spread chaos, incite forms of self harm….and in the case of a lot in the brigade…show how really myopic, in a melanin vein they are.
What a spot on article! I had a tumblr blog myself for a few years, and this is exactly what it’s like. The thing is: it’s really appealing and fun at first. The fandom side to tumblr (while sometimes weird and ridiculous) is attractive, humorous and engaging at first, and it’s such a simple platform to use. Like many people, I found the political side intriguing and “informative” initially – until I started to see how much of it was marred by bullying and based on “alternative facts”. I’d never thought about this being rooted in the actual design of the site though, so I’m grateful to the writer for raising that.
Interestingly, tumblr is also home to a lot of radical feminist bloggers, and the site itself (unlike Facebook and Twitter) doesn’t seem to censor them. The first criticisms of the trans activist movement I ever heard were on tumblr. So just noting that here.
And yes to the writer’s observation that well-meaning liberal adults are going along with politics of young people immersed in tumblr culture without any real understanding of the context the young person is living in. It’s so ignorant and dangerous.
Have you read Katherine Ormerod “Why social media is ruining your life” ? It’s a different focus, but would dovetail nicely with this. I’d love to see the two of you on a panel somewhere! Please keep writing; this is great.
Helena …. Your writings are incredible and so helpful to parents trying to make sense of this brand new online world. What you are doing is so invaluable. I think what I find most inspiring about Pique Resilience is the message of hope and resilience in a time where that message is not found very often. You are SHOWING the world that you can come out of this stronger and better. Parents and others who keep pushing the message of being mutilated or ruined need to stop! This is only going to keep someone locked in an identity that may be harmful because they will feel defeated and see no hope for their future. I can’t thank you enough for your hard work. I believe it will be the incredible insights from detransitioners who are reaching out that will give hope to anyone who is reconsidering a trans identity. If only the gender clinics would be adult enough to actually listen and consider what detransirioners are discussing!
Awakened —If only the gender clinics would be adult enough to actually listen and consider what detransirioners are discussing!
Exactly – they do not actively listen. It is a culture of WE KNOW BEST – DO AS WE SAY. Dr, Ghosh who heads the Gender Variance clinic at the Montreal Children’s Hospital believes he is a Saint …in 2 ,30 minute sessions our then teen -age child , was not once seen by a psychologist or a psychiatrist . He was fully aware of her history . To this day she says ..Mommy all I wanted to do was talk …did not want hormones …which by the way were prescribed at appointment no. 2 – age 15.5 . Now 6 years later everything we as parents calmly stated ….is fact ….hate to say it …but Dr. G – Told you so….mothers do know something …medical degrees not always necessary and do not assumes parents are all ignorant .
Appreciate the vent : )
I am saddened to realize how naiive I was about the dangers of Tumblr. Daughter now 19, was on it as a 15 yr old. Lazy therapists does not bother to get to root causes. On T for 1 yr, who knows what the future is.
😊I appreciate your venting. It confirms my distrust of Dr. G. and his clinic, Meraki clinic. (I’m not sure whether he is still at Montreal Children’s Hospital, but I know for sure that he is a co-founder of Meraki clinic.) I’m now 100% certain that I will keep my child far away from him.
Sorry that your child, you and your family had to go through this; glad for you all that she is detransitionning.
Cheers! To better days ahead for you!
Sadly joining the club of parents who’ve lost a child to tumblr’s trans community. My 23 year old son came out in early December and told us he is a trans woman. We tried to dialogue with him about this choice but he would only get angry and tell us we were gaslighting him because he knows himself and has made up his mind. After that things seemed to go nowhere, the non-communication and avoidance made the house difficult to function in. We finally told him since he was done with the parent/child relationship, it was time for him to move out.
Side note: he married his girlfriend in 2019 (from another country) and her permanent resident approval was just around the corner so him moving out was probably going to happen a month or two later anyway. Anyways he gave her the option that he would suppress his transition and live life as a man if she wanted him to, but after a week of thinking about, she told him she supported his transition. Are they insane?
We moved him out on February 1st, purchased everything he needed to live on his own, furniture, kitchen stuff, etc. We set him up and then he proceeded to actively participate in character assassination about his dad on the internet, because his dad shared an article with him that he didn’t like.
Most days we are blindsided and move between extreme grief and confusion. Other than a few texts, I find myself wishing he were gone from my life forever because I can’t accept this new form he is forcing on us. He is so militant about it telling us if we don’t accept him as our daughter he won’t be apart of our life. This whole thing is so fragile for him, he is so deceived.
This past week I find anger is taking over my emotional state and I’m not sure how to deal with it. I feel like I’m avoiding my husband and my other kids because I don’t want to lash out at them. I feel like my marriage is starting to crumble.
Tell me other parents, does the anger and helpless feeling eventually subside so that I can get back to my life. Do I just treat him like he is dead, or moved away and just move on? I can’t live in this state forever, that’s for sure.
Tori22. Your daughter sounds more intelligent to me than pretty much anything any therapist has said to me and my child. I do have hope for your daughter. She has the courage to see that this was not a good path for her. It is a start. I hope she can find real therapy that will build up her resilience and help her deal with her past. I will keep you both in my thoughts.
Awakened – thank you and please do keep us in your thoughts – long road ahead my friend
Helena,
Thank you for illuminating the identity-sucking world of Tumblr.
We look forward to hearing more from you in the future.
It’s heartening to watch the Pique Resilience Project videos. Life goes on. You all have bright futures ahead.
The sort of threaded discussions that Tumblr has, and the pitfalls of these, are not at all new. When I first got onto the Internet in the late 1990s, the main forum at the time was Usenet, an unregulated forum where people around the world interacted whether under their own names or using pseudonyms. There, too, threaded discussions could easily get caught up in blind allies, as replies followed replies. Usenet was superior to Tumblr, granted, and to the discussion boards that we have now, in that the threading was literally visible in most Usenet-specific browsers.
As a regular user of Tumblr, I find it difficult to understand how the criticisms mounted against Tumblr differ from criticisms mounted against other platforms. Content being dated, for instance, does not prevent years-old articles from being recirculated on platforms like Facebook and Tumblr. If anything, my personal experience as a user is that it is much easier to lose context on relatively anonymous platforms like Twitter, another platform that does a terrible job of threading. Tumblr’s reblogs do make extended text discussions lengthy and difficult to follow, but that is its main significant flaw; it does provide a clearer record of past communications than others.
Some of the examples cited as examples of a specifically Tumblr-related groupthink, mind, represent rather a misunderstanding of online conventions.The fourth image shared, notably, documents a conversation started up by different people intent on making the point that young trans people can definitely expect to grow old, can expect to be happy. The commenter who jumps in by talking about detransitioners interrupted this conversation about trans survival; that detransitioners are so often held up–indeed, often offer themselves up–as “proof” that no one is trans and that no one needs to transition is adequate reason for many to be skeptical of the good faith of this contribution. Compare, if you would, people talking about how it is possible to live a long and happy life as someone gay being interrupted by someone who says they can do that if they give themselves over to Christ. This conversation, incidentally, would have gone the same way on Facebook and on Twitter.
I am convinced that the parents here love their children and want to understand them. I am very concerned that singling-out one particular platform as uniquely harmful does nothing to further this understanding, and not only because Tumblr is singled out for what I think are incorrect reasons. Children develop in ways that parents may not expect, may be surprised by, even. Focusing on the communications networks that these children happen to use misses the point entirely.
Hey Randy, quite sad that what you’re doing is really to just apply the same concept of how tumblr and other platforms use alternative facts by trying to come across as being a concerned individual yet at the same time cornering people in here by using some form of looped arguments which end up nowhere but giving you a five-second adrenaline kick.
It’s quite obvious from your posts of what you’re trying to allude to, with a comment such as “Why did they make those choices?”.
Go back to your sad internet lair and preferrably keep yourself to yourself so no further damage is done, these are real parents with real concerns for their children who fell prey to ‘know-it-all’ people like yourself. I don’t wish bad onto you but I do hope that one day you experience the hardships of raising a child, and spare me the fake details that you will inevitably produce of how you have a healthy relationship with your trans teen.
I am still not sure what this comment means. Well, apart from this:
“I don’t wish bad onto you but”
That “but” is diagnostic
Randy….. I agree that trying to pinpoint why someone might come to the idea they are trans should not be simplified to one idea. I think the bigger picture that Helena points to is surrounding ourselves in thought bubbles rather than considering many different ideas and the danger this can do to vulnerable people. I thing social media in general does this as well as main stream journalism. We as a society are becoming more polarized on almost every topic. I think there are many factors that lead to someone’s trans identity. The problem is only one side is presented in almost all mainstream media and it’s so simplistic… I was born in the wrong body. The bottom line is that there is an unprecedented increase in young people seeking transitioning services and an overwhelming majority are young females. We need to discuss all the different factors that could lead this group of people to feel they need to transition. These are not harmless decisions. Hormones and surgery are something to be considered deeply. This is not happening because the whole narrative is oversimplified by therapists, genderclinics, doctors , the media etc. I believe Helena’s article to be an excellent start to a discussion that needs to happen. Yes it is just one factor but it is an important one.
What an enlightening insight to a disturbingly insidious culture.
My daughter was heavily influenced via tumblr (should call it stumblr), and she too from ages 16-18 said that she identified as a transgender boy. My husband and I were torn apart.
One thing I discovered was that when she would even raise the smallest questions as to whether or not she was ‘truly’ transgender, the social pressure she received from the Tumblr echo chamber was cult-like. They would shame her for not “being true to himself”, and was told to “not be a hypocrite”. Even told to turn her back on us if we didn’t allow her to start getting ‘T’ because we were being ‘abusive’, and that it was her abusive parents that were the source of all her psychological anxieties and their unwillingness to meet her needs. (I use the term “her” from my perspective)
It truly is the blind leading the blind.
We are so grateful that although she does still struggle with great depression and anxiety, she does seem to have “snapped out of it”, and frequently refers to herself as our daughter and as a girl.
Please continue to post this blog because the internet is SO scant with this type of information. And although I’m no conspiracy theorist by any means whatsoever, I can’t help but wonder if resources are so scarce because Google and other internet power-houses deliberately manipulate their search algorithms for political and social interests.
Thanks for sharing your story. Are you in MA by any chance?
I’m living this nightmare now. It all started 10 years ago. The internet. My now 23 yo college senior daughter has recently revealed she thinks she is trans. She is seeing a therapist on campus. I discovered that she was gay 3 years ago. While that was tough in itself, we got through it and accepted it. She even had a girlfriend. We accepted. We arent going to disown her, we arent going to love her any less.
We are having a tough time with it. Particularly me, my husband is trying to be strong for me while I fall apart. He is hurting too. At about 13 my daughter found this cat book forum. Warrior cats. She is an avid artist so that took her to Deviantart. Which led to tumblr, twitter and the like. She has always been shy and a follower. And competitive. Wants to fit in. I guess. I thought nothing of any of this for years as her artistic ability was an outlet. One that we encouraged.
So now we are here. We dont know which way is up. Left from right. Right from wrong. I’m trying to talk to her. Understand. She has Gender dysphoria. About her breasts. Wants to take testosterone. Not have bottom surgery. Not have facial hair. But get a deeper voice. Develop muscles and top surgery.
We are trying to intervene. We want a psych evaluation. We think there are underlying conditions. We dont know where to turn. And although I dont think she is suicidal right now, she did cut herself in high school. Short lived but nonetheless, she did it.
I’m now going to be seeing a therapist as I am having a hard time coping. My extended family is very religious. Bigoted. They don’t have any idea that she is even gay. Or is she? I have no one to turn to. Other than my husband and older daughter. I just want answers. If it turns out she truly is trans, so be it. We accept it. I wont ever disown her. But where do we begin? We are so very terrified of losing her.
As I read this article, it struck a familiar cord. I have been on Tumblr for four years now, initially joining just to look at fan art, but I quickly found out it was a melting pot of the most concerning content I’d ever seen on the web. That paragraph about Tumblr not teaching young people to think critically…good grief, it’s so true! Most SJW posts are written so aggressively that people who read them are led to feel as though they’d be a bad person for disagreeing. Teenagers do not twig that they’re being manipulated. I’m seriously glad I didn’t join before my late teens or it would have been incredibly stressful, having to process so much confusing information. I worry about how it shapes the opinions of users, often turning them very radical and unable to understand others’ views.
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My problem with this essay, Awakened, is one of structure. The author makes specific claims about Tumblr generally which apply to electronic networks more generally, and have for some time. At most, Tumblr might foster a specific network, but do not think these networks do not extend to other platforms. My Instagram user allows me to crosspost my photos to Tumblr and to Twitter at once, and I know any number of people who are active on both platforms. Helena just does not adequately prove a case that something is up with Tumblr specifically.
Confusing a particular electronic communications network with the cause of a phenomenon seen associated with that network, or even confusing all electronic networks with the associated connections, is a big mistake. Saying that people who get onto DeviantArt are then going to go on to transition because of that platform does not follow. It’s much wiser to ask why people are going on to these electronic networks and connecting with other users. Why are these networks so important as these young people try to deal with their gender identity issues? Why, indeed, are these people having these issues at all?
Blaming Tumblr is an easy excuse. A single platform could conceivably be blamed with exclusive responsibility for all the concerns over could wish. It would save people from engaging in deeper and more meaningful explorations of what is actually going on.
I’m with Awakened on this.
Tumblr is an identity-sucking machine.
Are other platforms problematic? Yes.
Young people in formation do not need to find their identities by getting into these toxic online communities.
If they did not encounter these networks on Tumblr, then they would have on Twitter or Facebook or who knows where else. Tumblr really does not offer outstanding advantages; blaming Tumblr is a way to overlook the fact that young people choose to get involved with networks that would encourage them to transition. Why did they make those choices?
In the 90’s, the trans activists protesting the Michigan Womyn’s Festival had a message board called Strap_on.org. It was probably not as intense of a reading experience as Tumblr, but I did know one lesbian woman in her 20s who was a member of that message board who decided she was trans. The other trans people in my activist community may have been influenced by it too.
Here’s something that occurs to me that might have some connection with sudden onset gender dysphoria, particularly in girls. I had only sisters, and went to all girls convent school, and interacted with a lot of girls. In junior high and high school, many girls were very uncomfortable during puberty. Unlike boys, who have changes in existing body parts, we sprout a pair of brand new parts, breasts, which we never had before, as well as having a new bodily function, menstruation, which is far less under our conscious control than, for example, urination. In my high school years, I had one girl friend who was particularly uncomfortable with the rapid growth of her breasts, and who resisted the idea that adult womanhood had upsides. She was fine with me liking boys and fantasizing about being a married woman, but would never discuss herself in such a role. She was also not popular – although she acted like she was proud of being a kind of special outsider. But I suspect if she were a teen today, she would find transgenderism attractive, and would be particularly vulnerable to being love bombed by a tumblr community, as it would multiple the recognition of her (in our time self-identified) special, out-of-the-ordinary status. But I think even with this girl, it would be her resistance to adulthood as opposed to womanhood itself, that would be driving it (even if she would verbally disagree).
I suspect anxiety about adulthood is often expressed by tween/teen girls as discomfort or rejection of feminine features/roles. I think that back in my day seeing other girls, especially those who were slightly older, enjoying more adult prerogatives was an example that helped younger girls envision ourselves growing into those roles.
When I look at a lot of FTM individuals, I don’t see girls who are trying to be men. I see girls who look like they are trying to be boys – dressing like members of a boy band.
I think there’s some truth to that. I don’t get a sense these young people want to turn into (say) their own dads or granddads. More like they want to be idealised teenage boys forever? My sense of trans internet cultures is that they are youth obsessed – one of their favorite insults for feminists is to call us “old”. (But maybe that’s just how the world in general thinks now?)
In relation to all this, I recommend “The Coddling of the American Mind ” (Lukianoff and Haidt) which talks about outrage culture on college campuses and beyond as an extension of kids being over-protected and taught to trust their feelings no matter what, to flee from anything stressful or scary, and to see the world as divided strictly into good and evil people, no shades of grey. The authors don’t blame young people or parents, and they recognise real external stressors, but they do argue that things have to change.
I work with 6th graders and the “coddle culture” is real! Some of these kids are so blatantly rude to adults they don’t care if they’re “sent go the office”. There’s no accountability. And it’s all because we can’t “hurt their feelings”.
I totally agree with you! Your analysis is very true. As a Tumblr user myself, I learnt from my mistakes in the past (2014-2016). At that time I never really fact checked or looked into it deeper, I just accepted and never questioned it and I hurt a lot of people (online AND in person) because of it.
I still use Tumblr, but I’ve gained critical thinking skills and I stay away from political discussions because I just know how toxic it’ll be.
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Love how the comments are a mixture of people with interesting opinions and views, and transphobic parents. As someone who has used the platform and continues to do so, I never interacted with the more “tribal” aspects and mostly go around doing my thing. But again, I already was in my late teens when I entered the platform.
You offer an interesting analysis, tho I cant agree on everything, I´d be much more concerned about the platforms inhability to manage extreme or dangerous (or ouright disgusting, like pedophile) communities that the way you think it pseudo-affects mass thinking. They dont check facts not because theyre teenagers, but because theyre humans, something that I´ve seen people do with any other medium. I myself had a heated argument with my father some time ago about the Blue Division, and both had academic sources on our side, that said opposite things. I agree that when youre younger you think you understand the political climate much better than when youre older and its time to do (and pay) things yourself, but when “fake news” reach our newspapers (just a week ago the ABC claimed that a political party wanted to impose a second language in my region, and had to be corrected by several politicians), I wouldnt be inclined to say that the problem relays on teenagers and their lack of critical thinking (tho some ppl on the platform can seriously lack common sense).
I also agree that social media can colaborate to make certain things (like the so-called “cancel culture”) a world-wide thing that sometimes is a way to make ppl see their mistakes, and sometimes punishes mistakes made decades ago. It can move and ruin someone´s life way too fast (as the media backlash Johnny Depp faced to later be recognized as victim of abuse), but this says much more about humans than about Tumblr. And if you think female-teen communities are where all this behaviour started, I invite you to live in any small village for some time.
Excuse me for any mistakes I may have made while writing this, english isnt my first language.
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I joined tumblr in like 2007 for purely entertainment/fandom reasons. As dorky as it sounds, Tumblr is how I discovered “Downton Abbey!” Haha. But a few years later I recognized how crazy dark it was getting and I peaced out.
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