Lisa Marchiano is a writer and therapist in private practice.She has been in contact with hundreds of parents of trans-identifying young people.You can find her on Twitter @LisaMarchiano. Lisa creates monthly audio content on Patreon for parents of gender-questioning youth.
by Lisa Marchiano
Say you’re a mom.
Maybe you’re also a lawyer. Or a doctor or nurse. A biochemical engineering professor at a research university. Or maybe you’re just a mom. You never wanted kids, or you always knew you wanted them, but when they got here, your life was turned upside down. They became the thing that mattered above all else. You had a baby girl. You chose her name carefully. Maybe something traditional, with a family connection. Maybe something unusual, to communicate how special you knew she would be. You adored her.
You nursed her on demand, carefully attending to her cues. For two years running, you didn’t sleep eight hours straight. She was colicky, or she wasn’t. Maybe she had inexplicable crying jags after you nursed. No one believed you that anything was wrong. Your pediatrician was dismissive, but somehow you knew. So you researched it. You read articles and asked questions of other moms. And you watched her. You paid close attention to what happened whenever she nursed, the way she pulled off the breast and arched her back and wailed. It turned out that she was allergic to the dairy in your breast milk. There was a test that proved it. So you gave up dairy, and things got better. For the next two years, you ate no milk, no yogurt, no ice cream. You made your own baby food. You bought only organic.
Maybe she had serious medical issues right from the beginning. Maybe she was a preemie, or had a rare disease. Or maybe it all went smoothly. She spoke her first words. She walked. You delighted in her smiles, talked to her, sang to her. You were diligent and attentive, reading research about infant-parent attachment. You wore her in a sling. You co-slept with her. Or you didn’t and she slept in a crib.
As she grew, you learned the intricacies of each cry. You struggled to understand what she needed, and to do your best to provide it. You knew she had a fever before the thermometer registered it. When she vomited for eight hours, you wondered if you should take her to the emergency room. Your husband said you were overreacting but something didn’t feel right. You insisted on taking her. She was admitted for dehydration.
You bought educational toys. You read to her extensively because you knew the research about language development and how important parental interaction is. When it came time to send her to pre-school, you chose carefully. You read the reviews, talked to other moms.
You didn’t care about your daughter being girly. You didn’t paint the nursery pink. You never pierced her ears or put a headband on her when she was a baby so everyone would know she was a girl. You were proud she liked dinosaurs. You made sure she knew that girls could do anything and be anything they wanted.
Maybe your husband was a great dad. She adored him and he adored her. Or maybe he wasn’t in the picture. There had been a divorce. Maybe he was angry, or even violent. Maybe he was just passive. Whatever the case, your top priority was your daughter. You wanted her to have a good relationship with her dad.
By the time she was five, you knew she was a little different from other kids. She was more intense. She would read chapter books at lightning speed. Teachers loved her. They always gushed about how bright she was. Or, they disliked her. She could be difficult, moody. Maybe she had tantrums, or had difficulty reading social cues. She could be disruptive, with her passionate feelings about things.
You taught her to eat well. You wanted her to be healthy, and to take good care of her body. If she was a little heavy, you gently encouraged her to be more active without shaming her or drawing attention to her weight. You knew the dangers of eating disorders. You bought organic meat, or at least the kind raised without hormones. You limited refined carbohydrates and processed sugar. Sodas were not allowed in your house. You were careful about what she put into her body.
She obsessed over bugs. Or ballet. She was tall and lithe – a dancer’s body. She went on pointe a year early. Or she was always heavy. Kids teased her. She was happiest playing at the creek with the boys next door. She was a talented singer. When music played, she saw colors. Or she played ice hockey. You watched her grow and were proud. She was the most important thing.
She was a girly girl who always wanted to wear dresses and loved the “gown” she got to wear at her cousin’s wedding. Or she was a tomboy who wouldn’t wear a dress even at her kindergarten graduation. You didn’t mind at all. You admired her fierce, independent spirit.
When she seemed to struggle with reading in the third grade, you sensed something wasn’t quite right. You did hours of research on the internet. Why was your bright child struggling? Teachers said you were being ridiculous to suspect anything. They implied you were one of those moms. She was just lazy and needed to apply herself. Had you considered putting her on medication for ADHD? She’d always been a classroom management challenge. But you knew. You believed in yourself – that you knew your daughter better than anyone. You weren’t going to shame her or give her unnecessary drugs. You found the top specialists. You got the learning disability diagnosed. You paid thousands of dollars for specialized tutoring to remediate the difficulty, and the struggles ceased. You were relieved and proud of yourself that you listened to your gut.
Then puberty hit. She withdrew. You didn’t understand at first. She spent more time in her room. She was moody and distant. You listened outside her door. Was she okay in there? You knew she needed more independence. You gave her some space, but you were vigilant, watchful. You did what you could to know her friends. You talked to her teachers.
You gave her a smartphone for her 12th birthday. This was how kids communicated, how they stayed in touch. Not having one would make it difficult for her to have friends. She kept her computer in her room, and sometimes you discovered her on it in the middle of the night. You worried about how much time she was spending online, but this was what kids did. And she needed it – all of her homework was done online.
She went to public school. Or private school. A small, progressive school for the gifted. The teachers had face piercings and were called by their first names. Or maybe you homeschooled. You allowed her to follow her own lead, crafted a custom curriculum that reflected her unique gifts and challenges.
She became more withdrawn. She stopped talking to you. Maybe she gained weight. Or lost weight. Or started cutting. You saw the marks on her arm. You didn’t hesitate. You found a therapist. She had depression and anxiety. Maybe talking to someone would help.
Or maybe she just seemed insecure, more anxious. She had just started high school, and her friends were changing. The “alpha” in her friend group cut her hair off and came out as nonbinary. You saw that your daughter worried about not fitting in. Then three more friends came out as something, you found out later. One said she was a demi boy. Another announced she was pansexual. Another said she was really a boy. They all got the same haircut. They were fourteen.
She started spending time on DeviantArt when she was 11. She was always a talented artist. How great that she had a place online to share this interest. Or maybe she opened a Tumblr account. Or Instagram. Her other friends were on there too, and it seemed like such a female-friendly space. Maybe she watched a lot of YouTube videos. She liked ones about cooking and funny reaction videos. All of these platforms were somewhat unfamiliar to you and they seemed harmless enough.
Your daughter comes out to you.
Maybe she said she was gay. Maybe you weren’t surprised. You have kind of always known. You tell her you are glad she told you, and that you love and accept her no matter what.
But a few weeks or months later, she told you she got it wrong. She wasn’t actually a lesbian. She was pansexual. She was gender fluid. She was trans. She told you this one night while you were fighting over her slipping grades. This was the reason, she explained. She’d been depressed because she couldn’t be her authentic self.
You found out that the idea first occurred to her after a school assembly on transgender issues. Or after her guitar teacher came out as trans. Or after spending hours and hours online watching YouTube transition videos. She’d been going to the GSA meetings at school. You were relieved to know she was receiving support while coming to terms with her sexuality, but then you found out that all of the kids in the GSA identified as trans.
Or maybe she wrote you a letter. The style was unlike hers. You suspected she may have copied it from the internet. The letter announced her new male name and asked that you use male pronouns. It mentioned that she wanted to start testosterone right away.
You told her you love her, that her happiness mattered, that you didn’t want her to suffer. Then you started researching. Because that is what you do. It’s what you’ve always done. You paid careful attention to her. You’ve known her as well as one human being can know another. But you also researched.
You looked up the effects of testosterone on female-bodied people and learned that long-term risks are unknown, but that a hysterectomy is indicated after five years on “T” because of the increased risk of cancer. You discovered that there is a growing community of detransitioners who felt that they weren’t helped by transition. You read reports of other parents who also had smart, quirky teen daughters who suddenly decided they were a boy. Their stories were remarkably similar to yours. Some researchers spoke of social contagion.
You learned that there were few therapists who would help your child explore these questions in an open-ended way. You heard stories about children being greenlighted for hormones and even surgery after one, two, or three visits to a gender clinic.
Meanwhile, you could see that she was suffering from anxiety. Or an eating disorder. Maybe she was diagnosed a while ago with ADHD. Or autism spectrum disorder. It’s a complicated picture. The doctors at the gender clinic told you there was only one problem with only one answer, but you knew it wasn’t that simple.
Your child came out at school. She went to the principal and asked that her name and pronouns be changed, and the principal complied without consulting you. It was a small school, maybe 100 kids, but there were at least fifteen who identified as trans. Your daughter’s teachers were eager to support her. Her English teacher chose her essay to be read aloud at the school-wide literary salon. The essay was about being transgender.
You couldn’t speak about this to anyone. Your extended family reacted to her coming out post on Facebook with “likes” and encouragement. When you tried to talk to your cousin about your concerns, she said you were being old-fashioned, that things were different now and you just needed to support “him.” When you called a meeting with the guidance counselor and the principal, they were condescending. It was clear they thought you were a bigot.
You were living in a progressive neighborhood that featured Hillary lawn signs in the fall of 2016. There was a small independent bookstore and a food coop. At your Unitarian church, fellow parishioners who’ve known your daughter since she was a baby came up to you and squealed their congratulations. They were so excited your son had found his authentic self!
You couldn’t say what you were really thinking. You couldn’t let them know that this wasn’t your child’s authentic self, that your child was in fact doing this to fit in, to claim an identity. You couldn’t say this because no one would understand. They would think you were one of those parents, the ones who couldn’t accept their trans child. Your loneliness and isolation were crushing.
You had to bear this alone. If you were lucky, your husband saw things the same way you did. You and he were a team. If you were unlucky, he accused you of overreacting, of being hysterical. Maybe he even undermined you. Maybe your marriage ended.
You weren’t close with your daughter anymore. You knew that it was normal for teens to have conflict with parents, but this felt like something more. You walked on eggshells. She seemed unhappy and irritable all the time. Identifying as trans was supposed to be the answer, but she only became more depressed, more difficult to reach. She blamed you for not being supportive. She called you transphobic. If you really cared about her, you would help her transition, she said.
The activists characterized you as an anti-trans hater who didn’t care about her son. But you know your child. You’ve known her since she came out all tiny and perfect. You’ve been there every step of the way, encouraging her, striving to understand her unique challenges. You know that her belief that she was trans came about only after friends declared their trans identity, after hours of watching trans YouTubers. You know your child.
You tried to walk a line of supporting her as a person without supporting her belief that she was a boy, but family and teachers affirmed her, so your efforts to help her keep an open mind were undermined. She became deeply invested in the belief that she was trans. You found out that she had a transition pact with on online friend. They were planning on moving into together when they were 18 and starting “T.” You knew this wasn’t an idle threat, because your daughter would be able to access “T” as soon as she turned 18 without any therapy or assessment at an informed consent clinic.
So you wait. You wait for the mainstream media to start covering the story, so that people realize what is going on and you can speak about this without sounding crazy. You wait for the lawsuits to come, for reports to surface of the rising tide of detransitioners. You wait for therapists and doctors to realize that we are living through another mental health contagion such as we saw with multiple personality disorder in the 90s.
Say you’re a mom. A good mom. A mom who is fighting for her daughter.
You wait.
Same here from southeastern CT.
I have a 16 year old son who believes he’s a girl. He is living a double-life: his online identity is female but his IRL identity with his friends is still male. Though he says he’s trans, I believe he is very confused, still has a lot of doubts, and is fundamentally afraid to grow up and become a man. A few months ago, we brought him to his GP because we were concerned about depression. After a mere 20 minutes, his GP referred him to the Boston Gender Clinic. We didn’t go. I joined the local PROGD group – they’ve been very helpful. I’ve been following Sasha’s 3-phase plan and I think we are making some progress. At least we are able to talk with him again.
Hi there- Can you please tell me where I can find Sasha’s 3 phase plan? I would LOVE to have some direction! Maybe it would make me feel a little less helpless…
Hi. Its on her Patreon page. In order to access her videos, you need to pay a monthly subscription (well worth it @ $5/month). Once on her page, scroll to her earlier videos. We also just had a phone consult with her and, again, worth every penny. Following our consult, she sent us some specific tips, including direct links to her videos.
I cried reading this! This accurately describes our situation and my thoughts surrounding it! I am really suffering and this article and comments are giving me a sliver of hope in that there could actually be a solution without hormones and surgery! This is what I’ve been telling my 16 year-old daughter for 2 years now but she is so adamant that hormones and surgery is the only way! She is so determined she’s a boy born into a girl’s body that she makes up her childhood to fit the narrative. I’m telling you she was truly fine being a girl until around age 13. At age 14, unbeknownst to us, she ordered a binder which was delivered to a friend’s house and started wearing it. At age 15 we thought things were moving in a positive direction but now at age 16 she’s back to wearing it all the time, thinking she’s a boy. She suffers from OCD, anxiety and depression. Now there’s a possibility she has mild ADHD. She’s in therapy for OCD and it’s helping. I’ve had a couple doctors lecture me on taking her to a gender specialist but it scares me to do so. She’d make a great lawyer because she is so convincing in her arguments…but I see the incongruences even if others don’t. I keep telling her there must be another way to get over dysphoria…that it really could be tied up in OCD and possibly ADHD. But why do I know, I’m just a mom who doesn’t know anything about their culture…so I’m told! She knows it’s a trend but is so convinced it’s different with her! She says she doesn’t want the difficult life ahead of her but says her dysphoria is at the root of her anxiety, therefore needs to be her true self: as a he with a different name.
The only thing keeping her from taking hormones at this point is because she really values singing in her choir…and she especially loves singing the super high stuff. We’ve had some very difficult conversations with little or no progress. I tend to cry at the drop of a hat these days. I’m hardly sleeping! I don’t know where to turn or what to do! So I’m eternally grateful for some leads offered here in the comment section! I’m also grateful to find out I’m not alone!!!
Benjamin A. Boyce’s interview series on YouTube is so helpful (including the PiqueResilienceProject young women). He interviews an endocrinologist who explains how damaging testosterone transitioning is, including unknown long-term effects. Hopefully where you are your daughter cannot take testosterone without your consent until 18 (i.e. YOU are keeping your daughter from taking testosterone until then.) One of the Pique Resilience Project women pestered her mother until she relented at 17; now she reports that if her mother had stayed firm she probably never would have started had she had to do so on her own after turning 18. I have come to terms with being the “bad guy” who is firm that an adolescent is not mature enough to decide to permanently alter/ damage her body. In Philadelphia, PA our Gender Clinic experience was that it exists to be a gateway to testosterone, so I stopped taking my daughter there (after she started “menstrual suppression therapy”; i.e. taking Depo Provera injections every 12 weeks, with more pills in between for breakthrough bleeding.) It’s wonderful your daughter continues to sing — mine will not do so at school due to her fear of being perceived to be female; she usually passes as male; she will not leave the house without a binder. I express my opposition to the binders but figure it is her body and I can’t really dictate what she wears. The most recent battle was over legal name change, as we anticipate getting a drivers license. The school had her rostered under her chosen name — her legal name had disappeared from her academic record. I just had it changed back to her legal name in anticipation of national testing and college applications. She survived us going to school this week to deal with them messing up her schedule, with me doing most of the navigating with her legal name (she claims exposure to her “dead name” gives her a panic attack.) Mostly things are peaceful these days with her being more interested in interacting with me. I know I can’t change her mind at this stage of development; just set safe limits about permanent changes. We have a young woman in our community who transitioned five years ago as an adolescent with testosterone and mastectomy, and now she no longer identifies as male — that’s all the evidence I need.
Thank you for your suggestions, I will definitely watch this interview series! It is so helpful to know there are others with similar experiences. At this point, she chooses to dress masculine with the binder and we let it go but we are firm in our belief that testosterone and surgery is not the way to go, especially now! Yes, indeed I am the bad guy as well but my gut is screaming at me that hormones and surgery would be a huge devastating mistake. She believes I say that simply because I just want her to be a girl and I don’t care about her well-being which couldn’t be farther from the truth! Still, she does take in what I have to say. Often she refutes things but I do know at least something is getting through…sometimes.
Hi, M. I left you a message on another post but will repeat it here in case you don’t see it. Consider joining the parents forum at https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/ . Nonmembers will see very limited postings at that link, but once you join and your account is activated by a moderator (can take a few hours or overnight), you will have access to the members-only forums, where you’ll find support and advice from like-minded parents. You’ll be amazed to learn how many kids who have suddenly taken on a trans ID at or after puberty are dealing with issues such as ADHD, OCD, autism, bullying, sexual assault or harassment, depression, anxiety, peer rejection and more. Of course every story is unique, but at the same time the similarities are uncanny.
Thank you so much, I will definitely check it out!
I cried when I read this because it resonates so deeply with me. My beautiful, talented 13 year old daughter has decided within the last six months that she’s actually a boy. In the few months prior to that, she’d said she was bi and then gay and then pan, and now trans… which happened after befriending a fellow student who was “non-binary.” So many girls in her friend group are experimenting with sexual identities and gender identity. My daughter has a girlfriend. I’m fine with her having a girlfriend! I’d rather her be a confident lesbian woman than a pale imitation of a male with her body wrecked by testosterone and surgery.
My daughter threatened suicide over a week ago and is currently inpatient in a private psychiatric hospital. Her pediatrician and her therapist agree that her rapid onset gender dysphoria is masking other issues (ADHD, anxiety, depression, and her general unwillingness to deal with her chronic illness). I’m divorced, and my ex-husband blames me for our child threatening suicide. My daughter says she hates me and this is all my fault.
I have no one to talk to outside of my very close family because in my liberal circle, even questioning my kid is enough to get me labeled as transphobic. My child picked a new name for herself that I hate. I suggested a compromise and put together a list of unisex names for us to peruse together. She basically told me that we would do exactly what she wanted, or she would kill herself.
I am being manipulated and held hostage by a child, and I have no good options. If I do what she wants, she ruins her body and her dream of a musical career because testosterone will ruin her voice. If I let her go live with her father, he’ll easily give in to her demands, won’t properly manage her medical conditions, and she’ll end up significantly worse off than she is now, especially since she’ll be left alone for long periods of time with unsupervised access to the internet. If I bring her home from the psych hospital, and she kills herself, my ex will try to take our younger son away from me. I’m in grad school on top of work, and I’m in debt already. A court fight means I’ll lose my house and have to move back in with my mother. Literally the entire life I’ve built for myself since my divorce is being threatened because of a 13 year old’s choices and actions.
I’m so sorry for your situation. It sounds incredibly hard. I hope that you have some support for yourself (like a therapist, counselor, etc.) as well. It sounds like your daughter’s doctors/therapists are being rational and cautious, which is great. You mentioned that you feel you cannot bring up your concerns among liberal-minded friends. I have had the same concern, but I’ve found that when I explain the struggle and share what I’ve learned about this phenomenon happening around the world, people are sympathetic and do see more than one perspective. So maybe it’s worth a try? I hope that you can find some good resources through the links others have listed. I have found them so helpful. Best of luck to you.
Please know that you are correct, and you are doing what’s best for your child! We all understand, even if it seems like no one in your circle of friends and family does! Best of luck to your daughter and to you. My daughter has finally realized it was a mistake, after about 4 years, and luckily she didn’t do anything life-altering during that time. I hope you will be able to say the same in the near future!
Address the depression and MAKE her take the antidepressants. My son killed himself and the pain is unbearable. I think he was doubting his own trans story, but the depression was very real.
We are so very sorry to read this, Candace.
Candace, My heart goes out to you and will do all I can to help as many of our kids who are suffering with depression, gender dysphoria and anxiety. The pain for our kids is real. I am meeting with our local school board members each privately to address the surge in schools embracing an ideology they do understand and don’t realize they are actually taking a position with no diagnosis or recommended treatment. I will ask them to “First do no harm.”
Warmly
Candance- no words – so sorry for your loss my friend xox
I’m so very sorry for your loss.
Sasha who, there s more than one Sasha on u tube?
It’s Sasha Ayad; she is on Patreon. Just google “Sasha Ayad Patreon.”
I’m an FTM transsexual who’s been closeted for almost a decade and trying every possible alternative to change myself. I experienced severe gender dysphoria from puberty onwards, and I was extremely sheltered from all social media. This narrative is so foreign to me. I’ve lived in shame and fear for so long as someone who grew up in the South with extremely religious parents, going to fundamentalist Christian schools that didn’t even allow students to be vocally SUPPORTIVE of LGBT rights.
The most support I’ve ever got from a family member was my mom walking out on a preacher making trans jokes because “we shouldn’t make fun of the lost”. Even that sliver of compassion has given me hope she could come around if I ever come out.
I would’ve killed to have a mom like you who even tried to be supportive, but was just worried about the medical effects. I am too. There is so little research on the long-term effects of HRT.
I have been doing a deep dive into all studies on the effects of testosterone on a female body I can find. Reading stories from detransitioners and long-time trans men alike. I hope to God this is a phase I’ll get over, but it’s been nearly ten years…
I worry my folks will think I’m diving into this with no prior consideration when I tell them. Believe me, I’ve tried everything I can think of to change. I’ve tried living as a GNC butch woman. I’ve done more research than I can put into words, and yet still, it’s a risk I’m willing to take.
I’m so frustrated when youth freak out about how transphobic their parents are for not immediately putting them on T at 15. It takes adjustment. Time. At worst you’ll have to wait 3 years.
You parents need to find a way to respect your kids’ identities and make them feel safe to express themselves around you, without going too far and immediately putting them on hormone blockers and HRT. Believe it or not there is a middle ground here.
Thank you for this rational and thoughtful comment, Lurker. If there were more trans-ID’ed people like you responding to parental worries, there might actually be a way forward to solve what is turning into a crisis of major proportions.
My daughter is 28 – well beyond the age of me having any rights or even ability to prevent her from transitioning. As so many others on here, this came out of left field less than 2 years ago.
She was diagnosed a little over a year ago with PTSD, Bi-polar II, Borderline Personality Disorder, anxiety disorder, ADD and 5 learning disorders. The ADD was the only thing she had ever been diagnosed with and that was when she was 7. She has been in therapy all her life, and I finally decided to have psychological testing done which uncovered all of the above. All those years of her struggling socially –none of those therapists picked up on any of it!
And now this – she claims to be FTM. She began testosterone about 3 months ago. I have not given her any affirmation and have told her I do not believe she is really trans. Every couple of years she finds a new group of people to hang out with. This is because when her personality disorders become too much for them to deal with, they ostracize her. So when she meets a new group of people who seem excepting of her, she changes who she is just to try to fit in with them. That is exactly what I think she is doing now. Even her closest friends think this is a phase, but they have affirmed her decision and not been honest with her as to what they think.
I am very liberal, and she has always been open with me – about too much at times. So I don’t think I would have missed the signs if they were there for the last 25 or so years. She is not gay, but told me she fooled around with girls in college because everyone was doing it. (She also went through a dominatrix phase right after the book 50 Shades of Grey came out. Going so far as to making a video and posting it online. Let me tell you, that’s something you don’t want to see – I did because some twisted person thought it would be funny to send it to me. That phase lasted about a year.)
But she is still interested in males – gay or MTF (yes, I know, MTF are a girls, however, they still have working male parts) as she doesn’t meet straight guys anymore – that’s what she told me. She doesn’t dress as a guy – she doesn’t like male clothes. This all started when she went to a gay bar and met a group of people who encouraged her to perform in a Drag King show, so that’s her hobby now. When she goes to gay bars to hang out or perform, she is in makeup as a demon type creature. Never just in street clothes, always in costume. She has always loved costuming for various events like ComicCon, DragonCon, etc. I can’t help but feel that since she always goes to the clubs in costume, she is afraid for them to see who she really is.
I have refused to refer to her as he, and I don’t use her male name. The therapist who she has been seeing for over a year is not convinced she is FTM, yet just today she told me I should reconsider and affirm that my child is male. WHAT???
My daughter doesn’t speak to me as of about a month ago. So now I am at a crossroad. What do I do? My initial reaction is to hold my ground. But at what cost to both of us? My heart is broken.
You can use the chosen name and pronouns out of respect while also stating that you believe this is a phase that you believe is temporary and that you are concerned about the medical damage she is doing to her body; get her to watch Benjamin A. Boyce’s interview with the endocrinologist, if possible.
I have to say I agree with Ann on this. It is better to use the name and pronouns if that is what is causing your child to stop communication with you. Every case is different but you need to asses the situation in as level headed way as possible which I know is so hard when you are stressed to unbelievable levels. If your kid is very stubborn you don’t want to test that because they will probably just dig in deeper. Honestly once they are 18 there is very limited control over their choice to transition. I know the heartache and the fear. Your goal is to keep your relationship. Just remember that is the most important thing. You can speak your truth and your worries but it needs to be communicated in a loving respectful way or a wall will come between you. I hope you can recover your relationship with your child and I am sorry for what you are going through. I am sorry for all of us parents and I pray our kids will be ok