Lisa Marchiano is a writer and therapist in private practice.She has been in contact with hundreds of parents of trans-identifying young people.You can find her on Twitter @LisaMarchiano. Lisa creates monthly audio content on Patreon for parents of gender-questioning youth.
by Lisa Marchiano
Say you’re a mom.
Maybe you’re also a lawyer. Or a doctor or nurse. A biochemical engineering professor at a research university. Or maybe you’re just a mom. You never wanted kids, or you always knew you wanted them, but when they got here, your life was turned upside down. They became the thing that mattered above all else. You had a baby girl. You chose her name carefully. Maybe something traditional, with a family connection. Maybe something unusual, to communicate how special you knew she would be. You adored her.
You nursed her on demand, carefully attending to her cues. For two years running, you didn’t sleep eight hours straight. She was colicky, or she wasn’t. Maybe she had inexplicable crying jags after you nursed. No one believed you that anything was wrong. Your pediatrician was dismissive, but somehow you knew. So you researched it. You read articles and asked questions of other moms. And you watched her. You paid close attention to what happened whenever she nursed, the way she pulled off the breast and arched her back and wailed. It turned out that she was allergic to the dairy in your breast milk. There was a test that proved it. So you gave up dairy, and things got better. For the next two years, you ate no milk, no yogurt, no ice cream. You made your own baby food. You bought only organic.
Maybe she had serious medical issues right from the beginning. Maybe she was a preemie, or had a rare disease. Or maybe it all went smoothly. She spoke her first words. She walked. You delighted in her smiles, talked to her, sang to her. You were diligent and attentive, reading research about infant-parent attachment. You wore her in a sling. You co-slept with her. Or you didn’t and she slept in a crib.
As she grew, you learned the intricacies of each cry. You struggled to understand what she needed, and to do your best to provide it. You knew she had a fever before the thermometer registered it. When she vomited for eight hours, you wondered if you should take her to the emergency room. Your husband said you were overreacting but something didn’t feel right. You insisted on taking her. She was admitted for dehydration.
You bought educational toys. You read to her extensively because you knew the research about language development and how important parental interaction is. When it came time to send her to pre-school, you chose carefully. You read the reviews, talked to other moms.
You didn’t care about your daughter being girly. You didn’t paint the nursery pink. You never pierced her ears or put a headband on her when she was a baby so everyone would know she was a girl. You were proud she liked dinosaurs. You made sure she knew that girls could do anything and be anything they wanted.
Maybe your husband was a great dad. She adored him and he adored her. Or maybe he wasn’t in the picture. There had been a divorce. Maybe he was angry, or even violent. Maybe he was just passive. Whatever the case, your top priority was your daughter. You wanted her to have a good relationship with her dad.
By the time she was five, you knew she was a little different from other kids. She was more intense. She would read chapter books at lightning speed. Teachers loved her. They always gushed about how bright she was. Or, they disliked her. She could be difficult, moody. Maybe she had tantrums, or had difficulty reading social cues. She could be disruptive, with her passionate feelings about things.
You taught her to eat well. You wanted her to be healthy, and to take good care of her body. If she was a little heavy, you gently encouraged her to be more active without shaming her or drawing attention to her weight. You knew the dangers of eating disorders. You bought organic meat, or at least the kind raised without hormones. You limited refined carbohydrates and processed sugar. Sodas were not allowed in your house. You were careful about what she put into her body.
She obsessed over bugs. Or ballet. She was tall and lithe – a dancer’s body. She went on pointe a year early. Or she was always heavy. Kids teased her. She was happiest playing at the creek with the boys next door. She was a talented singer. When music played, she saw colors. Or she played ice hockey. You watched her grow and were proud. She was the most important thing.
She was a girly girl who always wanted to wear dresses and loved the “gown” she got to wear at her cousin’s wedding. Or she was a tomboy who wouldn’t wear a dress even at her kindergarten graduation. You didn’t mind at all. You admired her fierce, independent spirit.
When she seemed to struggle with reading in the third grade, you sensed something wasn’t quite right. You did hours of research on the internet. Why was your bright child struggling? Teachers said you were being ridiculous to suspect anything. They implied you were one of those moms. She was just lazy and needed to apply herself. Had you considered putting her on medication for ADHD? She’d always been a classroom management challenge. But you knew. You believed in yourself – that you knew your daughter better than anyone. You weren’t going to shame her or give her unnecessary drugs. You found the top specialists. You got the learning disability diagnosed. You paid thousands of dollars for specialized tutoring to remediate the difficulty, and the struggles ceased. You were relieved and proud of yourself that you listened to your gut.
Then puberty hit. She withdrew. You didn’t understand at first. She spent more time in her room. She was moody and distant. You listened outside her door. Was she okay in there? You knew she needed more independence. You gave her some space, but you were vigilant, watchful. You did what you could to know her friends. You talked to her teachers.
You gave her a smartphone for her 12th birthday. This was how kids communicated, how they stayed in touch. Not having one would make it difficult for her to have friends. She kept her computer in her room, and sometimes you discovered her on it in the middle of the night. You worried about how much time she was spending online, but this was what kids did. And she needed it – all of her homework was done online.
She went to public school. Or private school. A small, progressive school for the gifted. The teachers had face piercings and were called by their first names. Or maybe you homeschooled. You allowed her to follow her own lead, crafted a custom curriculum that reflected her unique gifts and challenges.
She became more withdrawn. She stopped talking to you. Maybe she gained weight. Or lost weight. Or started cutting. You saw the marks on her arm. You didn’t hesitate. You found a therapist. She had depression and anxiety. Maybe talking to someone would help.
Or maybe she just seemed insecure, more anxious. She had just started high school, and her friends were changing. The “alpha” in her friend group cut her hair off and came out as nonbinary. You saw that your daughter worried about not fitting in. Then three more friends came out as something, you found out later. One said she was a demi boy. Another announced she was pansexual. Another said she was really a boy. They all got the same haircut. They were fourteen.
She started spending time on DeviantArt when she was 11. She was always a talented artist. How great that she had a place online to share this interest. Or maybe she opened a Tumblr account. Or Instagram. Her other friends were on there too, and it seemed like such a female-friendly space. Maybe she watched a lot of YouTube videos. She liked ones about cooking and funny reaction videos. All of these platforms were somewhat unfamiliar to you and they seemed harmless enough.
Your daughter comes out to you.
Maybe she said she was gay. Maybe you weren’t surprised. You have kind of always known. You tell her you are glad she told you, and that you love and accept her no matter what.
But a few weeks or months later, she told you she got it wrong. She wasn’t actually a lesbian. She was pansexual. She was gender fluid. She was trans. She told you this one night while you were fighting over her slipping grades. This was the reason, she explained. She’d been depressed because she couldn’t be her authentic self.
You found out that the idea first occurred to her after a school assembly on transgender issues. Or after her guitar teacher came out as trans. Or after spending hours and hours online watching YouTube transition videos. She’d been going to the GSA meetings at school. You were relieved to know she was receiving support while coming to terms with her sexuality, but then you found out that all of the kids in the GSA identified as trans.
Or maybe she wrote you a letter. The style was unlike hers. You suspected she may have copied it from the internet. The letter announced her new male name and asked that you use male pronouns. It mentioned that she wanted to start testosterone right away.
You told her you love her, that her happiness mattered, that you didn’t want her to suffer. Then you started researching. Because that is what you do. It’s what you’ve always done. You paid careful attention to her. You’ve known her as well as one human being can know another. But you also researched.
You looked up the effects of testosterone on female-bodied people and learned that long-term risks are unknown, but that a hysterectomy is indicated after five years on “T” because of the increased risk of cancer. You discovered that there is a growing community of detransitioners who felt that they weren’t helped by transition. You read reports of other parents who also had smart, quirky teen daughters who suddenly decided they were a boy. Their stories were remarkably similar to yours. Some researchers spoke of social contagion.
You learned that there were few therapists who would help your child explore these questions in an open-ended way. You heard stories about children being greenlighted for hormones and even surgery after one, two, or three visits to a gender clinic.
Meanwhile, you could see that she was suffering from anxiety. Or an eating disorder. Maybe she was diagnosed a while ago with ADHD. Or autism spectrum disorder. It’s a complicated picture. The doctors at the gender clinic told you there was only one problem with only one answer, but you knew it wasn’t that simple.
Your child came out at school. She went to the principal and asked that her name and pronouns be changed, and the principal complied without consulting you. It was a small school, maybe 100 kids, but there were at least fifteen who identified as trans. Your daughter’s teachers were eager to support her. Her English teacher chose her essay to be read aloud at the school-wide literary salon. The essay was about being transgender.
You couldn’t speak about this to anyone. Your extended family reacted to her coming out post on Facebook with “likes” and encouragement. When you tried to talk to your cousin about your concerns, she said you were being old-fashioned, that things were different now and you just needed to support “him.” When you called a meeting with the guidance counselor and the principal, they were condescending. It was clear they thought you were a bigot.
You were living in a progressive neighborhood that featured Hillary lawn signs in the fall of 2016. There was a small independent bookstore and a food coop. At your Unitarian church, fellow parishioners who’ve known your daughter since she was a baby came up to you and squealed their congratulations. They were so excited your son had found his authentic self!
You couldn’t say what you were really thinking. You couldn’t let them know that this wasn’t your child’s authentic self, that your child was in fact doing this to fit in, to claim an identity. You couldn’t say this because no one would understand. They would think you were one of those parents, the ones who couldn’t accept their trans child. Your loneliness and isolation were crushing.
You had to bear this alone. If you were lucky, your husband saw things the same way you did. You and he were a team. If you were unlucky, he accused you of overreacting, of being hysterical. Maybe he even undermined you. Maybe your marriage ended.
You weren’t close with your daughter anymore. You knew that it was normal for teens to have conflict with parents, but this felt like something more. You walked on eggshells. She seemed unhappy and irritable all the time. Identifying as trans was supposed to be the answer, but she only became more depressed, more difficult to reach. She blamed you for not being supportive. She called you transphobic. If you really cared about her, you would help her transition, she said.
The activists characterized you as an anti-trans hater who didn’t care about her son. But you know your child. You’ve known her since she came out all tiny and perfect. You’ve been there every step of the way, encouraging her, striving to understand her unique challenges. You know that her belief that she was trans came about only after friends declared their trans identity, after hours of watching trans YouTubers. You know your child.
You tried to walk a line of supporting her as a person without supporting her belief that she was a boy, but family and teachers affirmed her, so your efforts to help her keep an open mind were undermined. She became deeply invested in the belief that she was trans. You found out that she had a transition pact with on online friend. They were planning on moving into together when they were 18 and starting “T.” You knew this wasn’t an idle threat, because your daughter would be able to access “T” as soon as she turned 18 without any therapy or assessment at an informed consent clinic.
So you wait. You wait for the mainstream media to start covering the story, so that people realize what is going on and you can speak about this without sounding crazy. You wait for the lawsuits to come, for reports to surface of the rising tide of detransitioners. You wait for therapists and doctors to realize that we are living through another mental health contagion such as we saw with multiple personality disorder in the 90s.
Say you’re a mom. A good mom. A mom who is fighting for her daughter.
You wait.
Thank you so much. Tears streaming down my face here, nodding in agreement and recognition of every word – this feels like it was written about my daughter and me. Thank you.
Same xxx
Same horrifying story here – from Australia xxxx
Same here.
Another same here.
Same… from north suburbs of Chicago
Also from north suburbs of Chicago: Thank you so much for this wonderful piece. You have done an amazing job of capturing this experience. It was so helpful to read this!
Same here – Marietta Georgia
Cape Cod, MA
I do not think there is any use in blaming parents . We all do what we can at a given moment. You can’t walk in another’s shoes….can’t judge . There is no long-term research . It is definitely abnormal to cut off body parts and not safe to use hormones long -term . However no one wants a dead child . You do what you need to do at that moment . No parent has a manual when your child is born . Life is way too short . Live mindfully . Deep breathe – small steps . One at a time . Don’t overthink any of this. Don’t focus on the negative . Negativity will not help . Move in any direction . 6 years ago I got stuck – managed to move by volunteering and finding a new career….talk it out – do not isolate yourselves ….keep the door open and listen …thank goodness I did …my daughter is unwell but alive – this is what I focus on and I have told her I will continue to keep her alive . When I am ready I am writing our story….coming to a theatre near you LOL ….be well and much peace to all …prayers and peace. xox
This is my story, but I have a boy. SO LITTLE ABOUT THE BOYS! ….the part that hit home most was the “letter”….I KNEW it wasn’t him. He admitted a “friend” helped him. That friend is now on blockers, and hormones. That “friend”, along with the Internet…Reddit esp., is pulling my child under.
I feel you’re EXACT pain. Waiting.
Very well written. Thank you for your candor…and for sharing. ❤
I have a son as well. And as a feminist, while I much appreciate a page so devoted to girls and young womyn in a world where boys and men are usually the focus, I wish there was more here about the boys and young men who get sucked into the trans cult. They are suffering great harm as well. And we, their families, are also in terrible pain and waiting.
But yes, this is an astute and very accurate post about the nightmare in real life that is the gender trend.
What’s stopping either of you from writing and making spaces about the experiences of your male children? That’s the only reason this site exists. It wasn’t handed to female children or their parents. And there is more about female children because female children are impacted at an astronomically higher rate than male children, on top of the fact that female children pursue transition almost always as a result of growing up female under crushing misogyny. Male children do not have that, and many male transitioners do so because of sexual fetishes.
Logitech,
(1) Contrary to currently popular belief, the sudden-onset boys are not typically in the fetish category. I know some famous people have speculated this, but it has not been demonstrated empirically, and it doesn’t match the stories I’ve heard form the parents of these boys. Just as with the girls, ***sudden onset*** represents something new that hasn’t been studied yet. The fetish category has typically been adult men, not AYA boys. In the UK where the numbers are tracked by the NHS, at a time when the number of girls increased about 4000% (huge), the number of boys increased about 1800% (also huge, just not as huge as the number of girls). The (often straight) boys in this huge group of sudden-onset kids are not the cookie-cutter image of the adult men we’d seen in the past. That’s simply not accurate — ask the parents of these boys. They have a lot of the same challenges as the girls, which include things like (a) not fitting in the mold of traditional gender roles (not hyper-masculine); (b) often fitting on the autism spectrum with its attendant confusion about identity; (c) often having psychiatric co-morbidities, such as the fallout from a recent serious trauma; (d) not quite fitting into regular teen culture, whether it’s because they’re awkward, shy a bit different, etc.
(2) No one is “stopping” anyone from writing about the boys, but in an article that was definitely geared toward a vision of “Every-parent” whose been through this horrifying experience, the parents of boys — those parents of that “mere” 1800% increase in trans-identifying boys — feel a bit left out. Not surprising. Nothing wrong with them saying so. Nothing wrong with the parents of boys reminding others, “Hey let’s not forget about that 1800% increase in boys.”
I just want to say that I wish we would stop with the sexual fetish thing. My son does not have that issue. He is not gay either. He is unhappy with himself and feels that people would like him and accept him more as a girl. He is Aspergers and has struggled with friendships his whole life. He said at one point that he didn’t know being transgender was an “option” until he started reading about this online. Once he found out about how “fluid” gender is now days he decided that would make him happy, popular, less weird. That is why he presents as a female. NOT due to sexual fetishes. I just discussed this topic with his therapist yesterday. She does not think that play any part in his behavior. He is concerned about looking “girly” on the outside…but wears guy underwear and pajamas..clothing others don’t see. So the bottom line is that many of the teen, and young adult boys doing this are doing it for the exact same reason as the girls.
Also there is lots of talk about how hard it is to be a girl. Well every day in our culture we hear how awful boys are…especially white boys. All boys are “predators” That doesn’t exactly help him to want to be the male he was born. Can’t change his skin color..but by golly he has the “option” to be a girl. Why not try that?
Good luck to you and yours.
Just want to echo and affirm your experience in reading this, Moonie, and having it resonate with ROGD precipitated in teen boys. I kept nodding and checking off a mental list all the way through. I would say especially the cut and pasted letter from the Internet presented to Mom and Dad and the mini-monologues and catch phrases used in conversation — pat talking points taken off the Internet and from trans vloggers. And yes, the well-meaning but social-contagion- triggering school assembly presenting a brave middle aged trans woman speaker and her brave story, in which she talks about how she somehow knew since she was a teen even though she had no name for it at the time. The one point I would add to teen boys’ experiences of ROGD from talking with other parents is the boy having been bullied significantly in middle school or elementary school or both. Often for these boys, and it was certainly so in our case, it seems way safer to be a girl than it is to be bullied by boys and to have to stand up to that as a boy. So, whereas it may feel safer to a girl to be a boy (in part to evade male violence and the vulnerability of a female body), a similar fear is present for boys who have been chronically bullied over time (it is safer to be a girl than to have to face threats and fights with violent and bullying boys). Another factor seems to be boys having a mother or sibling with an eating disorder and body dysphoria that manifests that way, so that they have grown up with that repeatedly unreality of someone around them constantly thinking and articulating that their body is huge and “fat” when they look in the mirror, but the boy himself can clearly see that this is not so. Repeated exposure to this throws what is really real into serious doubt and question.
Very moving! I m waiting. Can relate to most of what you say. My 17 year old daughter was the girliest girl ever. Refused to join marching band because she didn t want to wear pants. When she took soccer would wear soccer shorts under her dress. Would only get a pet if it was a girl. Wore Lands end dresses, Mary Jane shoes and flower crowns until she was 14. Never wore a pair of pants until 9 th grade. Now she cut her hair, wears a binder, doesn t shave, wears boys underwear and bathing suits. Hates her name. Asked for Old Spice deodorant. Dresses in only oversize sweatshirts and pants. After I found out about the binder, I caught her watching Miles CHronicles video s . A u tuber who transitioned from female to male. I believe it is directly related to watching u tube video’s and her friends on discord chat room for gamers. If she is trans, I will support her. Right now I m waiting. She has never been more unhappy , or more anxious since cutting her hair. Just saw a psychiartrist for a neuro psych evaluation. I was told never tell her you don t think she s trans. She is at a high risk for suicide. We were so close, now she won t even speak to us!😢
I too am waiting my daughter attempted suicide 7/14 major depression and after a year of normal girl behavior she attended summer school with old friends who identify in other ways then their birth gender. She fell back into binding and cutting her hair up to drawing in facial hair. I know my daughter isn’t gone she’s lost and need direction
I can relate.. I feel your Pain.
Where is the evidence that affirmation reduces the risk of suicide? Once a child has transitioned, the risk of suicide goes up. Affirmation encourages transition so this seems illogical.
My daughter threatened suicide to get more antidepressant. Psychiatrists can be blackmailed by our deceived children into increasing the dose of antidepressant, despite research suggesting this same antidepressant increases the risk of suicide!
Thank you for this astute rebuttal to the kool aid drenched arguments we’re so accustomed to hearing!
It is so hard to see our children suffering, especially when they won’t talk to us or let us help them. Something to consider is that for many of our daughters, their [often sudden] discomfort over the world seeing them as female: beautiful, feminine, sexy etc….is incredibly distressing and if we can at least affirm that part for them, our acceptance can make a world of difference. As Sasha Ayad says in this wonderful piece (https://4thwavenow.com/2018/09/20/toward-a-more-nuanced-exploration-an-interview-with-sasha-ayad/), “don’t get hung up on haircuts or clothing.”
I get that her new presentation doesn’t seem authentic to you but try to remember how real even the most convoluted feelings were to you when you were a teen/young adult. Right now, it is very likely that pain over being seen as female is very, very real to her, even if she isn’t quite sure why.
I wish you both strength and patience!
The friends the artist the ADHD and the change after puberty it’s my daughter and my story. I’m the enemy I’m the bad mom and all I’ve always wanted is to protect my daughter. Thank you. I’m feel someone finally understands my struggle
I hear you. I nearly identify with every parent on this page. It is comforting to know that I am not crazy or in denial.
Brilliant. And I am crying. Sobbing. Afraid I can’t help my daughter. That I cannot rely, expect or even hope for teachers and medical folk to support me in helping my daughter to see and accept what a beautiful, smart, quirky, awesome young woman she is.
I am crying but I am not the only one and maybe there is hope. So afraid.
Carol….I’m right there with you. Terrified for my daughter; my beautiful 17 year old baby girl who was girlie her whole life until the end of her Freshman year in H.S. So scared and sad and lost for her…. 😢
Maybe the comment I left up above will be of some help….
It is so hard to see our children suffering, especially when they won’t talk to us or let us help them. Something to consider is that for many of our daughters, their [often sudden] discomfort over the world seeing them as female: beautiful, feminine, sexy etc….is incredibly distressing and if we can at least affirm that part for them, our acceptance can make a world of difference. As Sasha Ayad says in this wonderful piece (https://4thwavenow.com/2018/09/20/toward-a-more-nuanced-exploration-an-interview-with-sasha-ayad/), “don’t get hung up on haircuts or clothing.”
I get that her new presentation doesn’t seem authentic to you but try to remember how real even the most convoluted feelings were to you when you were a teen/young adult. Right now, it is very likely that pain over being seen as female is very, very real to her, even if she isn’t quite sure why.
I wish you both strength and patience!
I am the same, I cry everyday of my life. I’ve got a terrible diet now, no longer go to the gym or even look forward to life. I just want my daughter back.
Sobbing because I feel understood. Sobbing because I feel so sad for my daughter. Sobbing for all of us living this nightmare.
Nightmare – exactly .
Been to a psychologist who told me I’m doing all the right things. Not at all surprised by the things I said. First she roller her eyes and said, yes, I know. transsexual, pansexual, bi sexual, homo sexual, etc. I had a teacher friend of mine teaching 8th grade. She explained that she didn’t know what to think that her students were all crazy. They can’t get responsible, parents are crazy, they don’t know if they’re straight or gay. She was having a bad day at work I guess and spit that out. My kids hadn’t even entered middle school yet and I was shocked. Never did I think I would end up the same.
Thank you so much for this eloquent essay..tears of relief that someone understands the pain this mom is enduring.
I’m waiting. Waiting for my girly girl to break through this shell she has created for herself. Waiting for an appointment to a gender specialist in October…physician-suggested.
Waiting in dread for her 16th birthday next March when all medical decisions will be hers and hers alone.
Waiting for my own therapist appointment to help me navigate the pain and disbelief.
Waiting for this nightmare to be over.
Waiting.
Crying.
But grateful for the knowledge that I am not alone in this and so many of your stories mirror my own.
Waiting.
Tammy, you should find out about the gender specialist to determine if that’s the best route—our Gender Clinic in Philadelphia only provides medical intervention; I was told to find a gender dysphoria therapist locally. Use Sasha Ayad (InspiredTeenTherapy.com) as a resource.
Ann, it is a referral to the adolescent health dept of our children’s hospital. My doctor assured me there will be lengthy psychological assessments before any medical intervention but this at the same facility where an author on this site wrote of of her experience of going to a parents support group only to be threatened to have security called due to her expressing her views on ROGD 😳…
Another Philly parent deeply identifying with this essay. Ann, have you found a therapist in the area who follows Sasha’s model? If so, I’d appreciate the info. We’ve avoided therapy all together as we can’t find anyone who isn’t unquestioningly affirming.
This is for Kate; my child has worked with two different male therapists in Media, PA. The therapy isn’t unquestionably affirming, but I don’t know that it’s specifically treating gender dysphoria either. CHOP only provided assessment for medical intervention—my daughter takes Depo Provera shots to stop her periods because of going there, with supplemental pills due to bleeding anyway. We were ultimately kicked out after I self-identified as an ROGD believer, but all continuing would have led to would have been testosterone or not.
❤️ thank you.
Like the other moms who wrote before, and for the same reasons, I’m crying.
I’m crying tears of relief that someone understands. I’m crying because I feel afraid and helpless : there is little else to do except waiting and doing my best to nurture our relationship (which is no small feat). I’m crying because I see my child in pain
Absolutely…the worst part is seeing the pain. I cry when I tell my son, I cannot stand being the person who is hurting you…because I have to be the strong parental figure..I can’t just be your best buddy and acquiesce..I am looking into the future…and trying against all odds…to make SURE what he feels he needs and want is REAL…that’s ALL I WANT. I want my child to be afforded an UNBIASED therapist! The law in my State excludes the right. I cannot understand this.
Thank you very much for your article; it brings me to tears. I am in the middle of writing an essay about this very issue; the viral breakout is one of the gravest of our time. My children are grown, and missed the trans wave. I do have a family member on an Olympic track and the thought that a boy could take her place, that her dream is crushed, calls me to speak out. The loss of our children to themselves and to their families (and to the community) is incommensurable, will lead to lawsuits, and wreak havoc in the world in many, many ways.
I wish you all did not have to deal with this horror.
I too was moved to tears, this essay describes my situation exactly, the gender clinics in the uk operate a policy of affirmation without question. I tried to put my objections to the physicians but my daughter has come of age and they would not talk to me.I feel so helpless, how can this policy of affirmation be challenged? Action needs to be taken. Has anybody any ideas of how to do this?
Are you following TransgenderTrend?
The policy of affirmation is difficult to challenge.
I have written to my MP suggesting this government is encouraging what is effectively sterilisation of vulnerable young people. Many of our gender confused children have mental illness which is considered a weakness and is not being treated.
My daughter told me she does not want to pass on the autism genes so does not want children. Taking testosterone is ruining her beautiful body and will lead to infertility. Being legally male makes being a mother problematic so I expect politicians will insist on our girls having hysterectomies.
My MP has not denied that affirming transition is a euphemism for sterilisation (eugenics).
The pain I feel as a mother is indescribably horrible.
You’ve written my story. I wait. I cry. My 22 year old daughter has been on Testosterone for three years, and I wait. She’s had a double mastectomy, and I wait. I know this is not her.
My daughter is 20 and been taking the HRT for a year and half now. i am so worried because she is so depressed. But she says that the transition and meds are not the reason… she hardly talks to us anymore..
Great essay! If reminds me of the song “Waters of Marc” by Antônio Carlos Jobim. Perhaps the AAP and APA could read your essay as it is our story as well and of course many others. Keep up the great work. Keep the love.
I am the mother of a boy with ROGD. I feel the same pain, same hurt and disappointment. I nursed him as a baby….knew he was a boy since 17 months gestation. Bonded with my boy. Now he acts like a girl..uses a girl name, wears his hair down his back, wears pink girl pants, has 2 dozen containers of nail polish in his bathroom! This is NOT what I thought it would be like when I sent him off to college as a young man. I was a good mother for all my kids. An involved, happy mother. What the hell happened??? We parents of boys hurt too.
Can’t imagine – Susan xox
Be sure to read the newsletter of hope Sasha Ayad (InspiredTeenTherapy.com) just distributed and all the great interviews Benjamin A. Boyce has on YouTube about trans/ROGD. Seeing PiqueResilienceProject members thriving and hearing their stories is a reminder that this is a many year journey that can have a positive outcome. I just returned from a professional training where I did a lot of peer education due to my experience as an ROGD MOM; the tide is turning!
Hello. Bravo to you.
I am writing about children and trans issues, and am looking closely at how a young child can be mirrored appropriately by the parent, rather than the doctrine of ‘you’re trans? Okay, let’s change your name, pronouns, clothing, now.’
Do you have suggestions, references?
If not, no problem.
Sasha Ayad has an article about how she does therapy; InspiredTeenTherapy.com
We’re all waiting for people to see this new form of parental pain and suffering that no one ever imagines.
This resonates — what gets me is how we are continuously dismissed and now that my beautiful child is unwell , no breasts , mixed up ….where are all these so-called professionals?
Hell Ann: thank you letting me know about Sasha Ayad. Much appreciated.
Thank you for this eloquent essay, Lisa.
A beautifully captured composite of girls.
They are not all the same.
Yet, they are all vulnerable.
Because this could happen to any child–for any number of reasons.
You have written my story too! Lots of us wait.
My daughter is lost in world of make believe. She thinks she is male. She thinks what she wants to think. Reality does not matter to her.
This essay is so moving to me. How much we have loved our children but we feel we must have done something wrong. My beautiful, clever, amazing daughter is still there. She just is so influenced by those around her. I have never affirmed her belief that she is transgender because I just know she’s wrong. I have waited and waited for my thoughts and feelings to change but they haven’t. She first sent “the letter” to us when she was 18 and she is now 23. The medical professional at the gender clinic dismissed me and my opinions out of hand. There was no discussion of any other treatment or diagnosis. At some point there will be a realisation of the harm done to this generation by the “experts”, social media, tumbler and the like. How much longer do I have to wait…..
Lisa you have described 90% or more of our life since our beloved daughter was born in December 1997. How did you even get the dairy avoidance and the fact I breastfed for 2 years ?
I’ve cried nearly every day since her scripted letter appeared nearly 8 weeks ago. The more I find out the more scared I become especially now she is 21 and legally has capacity to make her own decisions.
A close friend found “Parents of ROGD Kids” for me whose organisers found us two mothers who have passed on recommendations for reading and watching. I am grateful to all these people. Benjamin A Boyce on You Tube has become daily viewing for me on our nightmare subject and that is where I saw your interview with him.
I could write all night about what we have been through in these long days. The first 24 hours felt to me similar to what I felt at the sudden and shocking death of my own father. My feelings after that are parallel to what I understand parents go through when a child takes their own life by suicide.
When I watched Lisa and Sasha’s interviews with Benjamin A Boyce last week I started to get confidence that I could constructively revisit parenting skills. I followed every advice over the years but honestly I couldn’t find anything that worked more than short term. I’ll carrying on looking and trying.
My daughter still speaks to my husband and son, but we have been estranged since about a month after the letter. With every type of approach my conversations with her have so far always ended in the phone being slammed down or her running out to catch the bus back to her college town.
Lisa said to keep communication going, which is being done by my husband. He has even managed to get her to a family therapist who will see all of us eventually. I was recommended to him, though after my one session I wasn’t sure. However I think we have been educating the therapist about the subject.
What to do to affect the political situation where government, NHS, pro-trans charities and wider friends, family and society are all cheering the affirmative surgical medical line? I’ve already experienced all of this weight. (Our 16 year old son even was cheering on his sister in the beginning, before he saw us all falling apart, the more I found out about this zeitgeist horror embraced by my – challenged and challenging – daughter, and her new friends flesh and on-line.)
So far I have spoken about the personal and political on the phone to her GP (who listened and took notes), seen my own GP, phoned the Tavistock, phoned Mermaids, complained about their email response following the call to them and then to their National Lottery funders. My rage has started and it will continue.
I gain strength by people like yourself Lisa, and I am drawn back to feminist friends with whom I had lost touch but need to see in person now, not just on Facebook but I’ve yet to make time to see them in the flesh.
I am ready to join organised or semi-organised campaigns, marches, throw bricks through windows, get an ASBO or injunction, anything to draw attention to the shoo-in to dangerous medicalisation and reformative surgery, to anyone with the stamina to wait for their turn to have the ultimate affirmation.
I will be writing to MPs, ministers, councillors who are on local medical committees. adding my name to campaigns.
Thank you all for standing together against this bizarre mysoginist homophobic self loathing phenomenon of epic proportions.
good for you. It is really worrying that somehow there is effectively a gagging order on this topic. how did it all happen? What can we do?
Again with the breastfeeding! I have now seen this so many times. I’m autistic myself. Autistic people have gut issues, commonly. And I too, was a terrible baby to feed and could not be winded.
I have found real help through shiatsu therapy. Its slow, but it steadily uncovers these deep intestinal issues and as they resolve, so the autism has resolved..I am a different person now. Somatic body work also helps.
I think you will find a lot of these so-called trans people are spiritually inclined..I don’t like using that word because it has become so debased, but I think you’ll find they are very environmentally sensitive, will respond to things like Gregorian Chants..I wonder if long ago people like us would have been in monasteries or mystery religions.
The shiatsu therapist says she’s never had anyone respond at such levels as me. I think there may be some help here for you guys, I really do. It cannot harm, anyway. Just be aware you need to go at least 4 times before you feel a really deep effect. After that…well, its astonishing.
Nods. I can tell you’ve listened to a lot of upset parents, Lisa. (But oh yeah, we are not SUPPOSED to be upset. We are SUPPOSED to be cheerleading our wonderful kids who have suddenly discovered their true selves. helping them with the shots and the dilating and the whatnot.)
In addition to our big sorrow for and with our kids, a lot of us have had big chunks of our lives blown up by this trans-ID grenade. You mentioned marriage stress. In my case we’re on the same page, but my spouse is chronically ill with an incurable debilitating disease, and I’m pretty much a single parent de-facto. He does not get nearly enough of my bandwidth, and neither does my “neurotypical” kid, because “transkid” sucks all the air out of the room on a pretty regular basis.
I’ve lost my relaxed identification with the Democratic party and am wandering around wondering what the heck to do with my vote. I’ve left my oh-so-liberal church and am wandering around looking for someplace where the rainbow flag’s not the biggest religious icon on the site. I’ve lost respect for the whole med/psych/pharma business. I’ve lost confidence in myself as a parent, and the good memories from the past with my kids now just feel like lies.
It feels like a wasted life, some days. A lot of effort, wasted.
Someone ought to do a study on suicidal ideation by parents of “ROGD” kids. I don’t think most parents would attempt it. But I sure think it’d be revealing to ask how many parents sometimes think it’d be a lot more pleasant to be dead than to keep fighting this endless battle, especially since we feel like we’re such bad people for not being thrilled about this stuff, anyway…..
But we’re not allowed to think these things because it’s not about US. Ever. So we’re told.
Boy I wish we could meet Beenie as some of your words are mine too… please do not lose confidence in yourself as a parent . We do what we think necessary at that given time. xox
Recently expressed similar thoughts re parents suicide ideation. In what other situation are we so powerless, lacking in professional or expert support. We are often reviled not just by our sad, angry children but by those many believers in affirming lies & fantasy.
I have had my own suicidal ideations during these weeks since “the letter.” I have to disclose that 30 years ago when I felt powerless and lonely I had some weeks when I felt like that too, but through therapy and activity I didi find meaning in my life. I never looked back until this time. I called the Samaritans last week in tears, at the insistence of my husband who was at his wit’s end dealing with both our daughter and me, and thinking too of our son The reason why I was cut off from the call before I was ready to finish our 15 minute conversation will never be known, but I would like to think it was because somebody else was, at that moment, in more need of our pressured voluntary service than I.
Velcro, I want to know the same thing you asked. How many parents have been so depressed about their kid’s behavior and self identifying as trans that they want to kill themselves. I have thought about suicide often. Two times was close enough that I reached out for help because I was so scared about my thoughts. I am better and not thinking that way as much now. But a big thing that prevents it for me is that my son will never get over this if I do something so drastic. He would be damaged forever. Love him too much to hurt him like that And my other kids, husband, relatives, and father would suffer terribly. But I get it… for the first time in my life, that sense of helplessness, dread, and meaningless that may push someone to kill themselves. This has been the toughest thing ever in my life. Based on comments here and on Gender Critical Board there are many very hurt parents and families. I wonder how many more are out there who don’t know about these sites and have no one to guide them. This is a complete injustice to parents who have worked hard and did their best raising their kids. No one gives a rip about us. We are just collateral damage I guess.
Please, anyone who is contemplating suicide, call a reputable suicide prevention hotline without delay. No matter how desperate your situation seems, your family and your kids need you, even if they don’t act like it right now.
I really relate to this comment. It’s all about the kids of course, everything is about the trans kid and their crisis but my God it’s hard for us parents as human beings struggling through this, with approximately zero empathy from family, friends, church members, coworkers. Everyone trips over themselves congratulating us. Eff that. Really. Also I relate to what you said about your liberal church and the rainbow flag as religious icon. Yes inclusion is beautiful but I feel like we worship at the altar of the rainbow flag. I’m so done.
ditto!!!
Thank you, Lisa, thank you so much for writing this.
“You couldn’t let them know that this wasn’t your child’s authentic self, that your child was in fact doing this to fit in, to claim an identity.” Transitioning to have friends. My daughter even said as such, she didn’t even hide the motivation.
My child described it to my husband as a choice, and then when we pointed out, as choices go, this is a very health-endangering one ( from the side effects of hormones, complications of surgery), we got only hostility.
Yes, my kid complained we didn’t like her “lifestyle choice”. As long as there is only affirmative-care and as long as all therapy is called “conversion therapy”, the message youth are getting is that anything less than a public ticker tape parade by parents is abuse.
Thank you so much for all you do. It gives us hope. Our quirky girly girl princess became withdrawn at 11, when puberty hit, and a completely different person by 12. First she was gay, then bi, then asexual, then nonbinary, then trans. She’s 16 now.
Her “letter” was a class essay that was copied and pasted from trans-radical websites. This is not my little girl. Thank God our friends agree, and her therapist seems to, too. It’s heartbreaking to see her struggle, and even more so knowing that the lies she’s swallowing from the culture are making matters worse. There’s still time for the light to dawn on her, and all we can do is love her and pray the scales fall from her eyes. Meanwhile we try to overcome fear with hope. My heart aches for everyone else fighting this battle. You are not alone.
I am utterly speechless . I read this and could hardly breathe . Thought someone stole my story , our story , my thoughts . I thought to myself did I speak to someone , did I forget ? Where do we go ? What do we do ? My 21 year old is a mess. She is not happy with all the weight she has gained – the way she looks – regrets the transition- the T shots for over 2 years – the mastectomy – the facial hair – I keep saying some of it is temporary . When no one is watching I cry , I break down . My baby was beautiful . I worry – I am worried all the time . Therapy is costing us a fortune . Where are all these morons who through us under the bus ? Where are they now ? This is criminal and if I say this publicly god only knows I will be labelled a whole lot of things I am not . I have reached out to the community for support as my daughter needs to speak with someone who also is going through this . Sadly this is what I think . No one cares . I have heard back from no one except two administrators of sites . It is what it is . All I can do is give my child love and support . I can also say what needs to be said. All in due time respectfully . Thank you for listening -thank you for sharing and thank you for posting , always xox .
So sorry!
Tori I care, I am sure that some of us will start up groups and support. Website administrators and therapists will be key because we’ll be the targets of people who think we are bigots, so the meetings will have to be as secret as 12 step organisations. Once we start getting together we will be as unstoppable as the women who fought for the vote.
Support groups exist already. parentsofROGDkids.com
From a political standpoint, though, the driving need to stay anonymous to keep from driving our kids away is a big obstacle to effective lobbying. Alas.
The Kelsey Coalition also exists and has petitioned the Surgeon General. Parents from a dozen states walked the halls of Congress about this. Go to kelseycoalition.org and share your story. Join with the other voices of sanity!
Let’s be public. This is abuse of a human being a family and someone’s finances. This has to be stopped. We must intervene. Any suggestion. I’m game not only for my child but for all those other parents differing too
I meant parents suffering too
Thank you for this beautiful and heartbreaking article. You have captured this “journey” perfectly. The waiting is excruciating but seeing articles like this gives me hope. Please keep up your excellent work. Thank you so much.
Very beautifully thought out, and written. Thank you. Waiting with you and all the others in this upside down world.
Lisa, I am very grateful for the work you have done to increase understanding of this phenomonon. Thank you so much!
Lisa…. wow! Seems you have touched something in all these hurt and angry parents. I know you must be a mother by how you write about the experience of being an attentive loving parent. My pediatrician gave me some great advice after the birth of my first child. He was an older man with many years of experience. He told me there will come a time when you will not agree with me. He told me if I strongly feel that something is not right with my child to keep speaking up until someone listens because in most cases no one knows their child better than you. Such wise words ! I try to see hope for my child even though it will soon be two years on hormones. I have found a balance so that I can still have a loving relationship but not affirm this is a healthy or necessary decision. It’s the best I can do. Sometimes I wish I could stop hoping because it hurts so deep when nothing changes. You are a gift to us grieving worried parents. Your wisdom and insight into this is so greatly appreciated. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
You have captured everything we parents are going through. Every one of us can see most of our personal stories in this piece. The horror, the loss, the sadness, the fear is all here. You’ve made me sob because you understand – and you’ve made me hopeful because you understand. Thank you for writing this so so much.
I pledge the first £1000 towards an international crowdfunded campaign that will shout loudly for us, and start appointing lawyers who can kick off the damages claims in each country to support detransitioners and their families.
Do we need a new organisation or is there one with an existing infrastructure that can support mushrooming growth?
Does anybody know lawyers who will work pro bono in the beginning?
It makes me think of the anorexia contagion that happened in the late seventies.
Yes, exactly.
When will this tsunami of young women and young men finally reach the “crisis”recognition level? This is my families story. I have spoken to stae and local officials, you could see in their eyes they thought I was crazy, a bigot “one of those people.” NIH mental health contact line. tel:301-443-4513 suddenly trans or Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria. I am still talking to everyone I know, I am setting my shame aside to speak out and fight for these young people, I breakdown, grieve and then fight. I know my kid. Shame on elected officials, shame on those who use our kids as their “Cause Celebre” then move on, shame on teachers add therapists verify that our children were “born in the wrong body.” This is a walking nightmare. Who are these groups who amputated breasts? Who would do this? The Kelsie Coalition is a group of Moms and Dads fighting for their kids. https://www.kelseycoalition.org Gloria Allred said “hope is a child’s thing, adults wake up every day and get to work.” We are not powerless, I refuse to be silent. Contact your local school boards members, we may not be able to speak publicly but we can email everyone on the board against the affirmation model. That is my next step.
I can’t cry anymore, I’ve run out of tears but I can relate. My oldest child (22) has been on testosterone for several months and wants double mastectomy surgery. I am shocked at how the Welsh/ and English NHS are paying for only 3 gender identity clinic appointments leading to the hormone treatment without any counselling for the mental health problems (anxiety/ depression). I find it hard being supportive because I can’t see a gender identity transformation as actually helping my adult child become a well balanced person. Thank you for your article and other readers for your comments. It helps knowing I am not alone.
If you can keep your child away from this at least until after age 25 try please …we could not …and now at 21 regrets it all….sadly .
Would your child be interested in writing about their experience for our website?
I would love if your child could speak to my child..
It is so amazing to me that we all have basically the exact same scenarios with our daughters! I am actually glad because it tells me more and more that our daughters got caught up in this social network contagion of gender questioning, sexuality questioning, etc. WE know our daughters, yet total strangers shame us for not supporting their decisions to possibly change genders. Their brains are not even developed until age 25! My goal is to keep her safe mentally and away from life changing decisions until after age 25. I am so tempted to let her read all of these stories from the parent’s perspective, as well as all of the stories of the teens/adults who actually regretted their gender changing decisions. I swear Tumblr, Instagram, DeviantArt all sucked my daughter in. And I let it happen. I had no clue of the turmoil it would cause inside if her. Regretting ever getting her a phone and letting her have social media accounts.
It’s as though you were standing and observing every movement in our house. When our daughter came out as trans, I told my wife later it was as though she was following a script and the words were not hers. It was as though she went through a training program. And now I read this essay and woder if we all are just following some script.
I know! It’s eerie how we all. have. the. same. story. That’s simply not normal!! Or a coincidence. These teens who are so vulnerable at this age…it’s like they get brainwashed and taken over by a cult.
The only thing that has saved my sanity is this website and the gender critical resources support page. Before that I thought I was all alone. So grateful to have found other parents, especially when there are stories of the children who “desist.”
I KNOW my daughter is NOT a boy. She doesn’t even meet the actual criteria for the gender dysphoria diagnosis. When confronted with this, she panicked and sobbed all night, saying, “then what’s wrong with me?? I thought I had it all figured out”
Just normal teenage angst trying to figure out who they are, and they are swept up in the VERY wrong answers and absurd ideology.
This..this is exactly my life. My daughter’s life, my husband’s life. The exact same scenario. No one takes the parent’s perspective into consideration. When my 14 year old daughter wanted to be a he at school and change her name and use the boy’s locker room, although I was against it, the vice principal firmly said it was my 14 year old’s decision. 14! She’s only 14 and I’m going to let my petite little beautiful daughter who thinks she is trans, because of social media trends,into a locker room with high school boys. What….the…fuck.
We had the exact same experience at our daughter’s school last year. She too was 14. It’s so ridiculous to allow a 14 year old to dictate this to adults – she can’t smoke, drive, get a tatoo, even get an aspirin at school, yet she can “be” a he and use the boy’s bathroom. Beyond ridiculous! Yes, WTF?!!
WTF – yes WTF – all of these responses could well be mine …and yes if we say or had said anything or said anything –thrown under the bus by hospital staff , doctors , you name it …and we are not homophobes , not close-minded ..just want our children healthy and safe . At this point to the moderator who asked if my daughter would be willing to tell her story – I will ask but not sure as it causes a lot of traumatic triggers as she has DID . Another reason she NEVER should have transitioned in the first place. WTF – yes WTF indeed. Thanks for the support at least we all know we are not crazy here. xox
Just today my wife said “I’d rather deal with anorexia than this trans social contagion, because at least we’d have everyone on our side trying to get our daughter healthy, but with this problem, it seems like there’s an army ready to take us down.”
We are deeply concerned about our child’s long-term physical and mental health (I’m talking about her entire life going forward) but all these “advocates” in the trans realm have no actual invested interest beyond the immediate.
Reading all of these detransitioning sagas is eye-opening and I am white-knuckling it and hoping we make it through with a functioning, healthy, intact adult and on the other side of adolescence.
We have always been liberal, open-minded, progressive, thoughtful people. We know our daughter, who was a happy, well adjusted *girl* in her *girl* body all the way up until age 13. Along comes some very influential “friends”, social media and a complete shutting-down of her entire life.
Now we deal with traumatic evenings full of crying where we are lectured on how wrong we are, how we don’t understand anything. Sounds like normal teen tropes, but this one comes along with a new and terrifying dogma and snarls as I’m told I’m just a “cisgender man” (words used as though they are swears, the ultimate insult for the worst of humanity).
It’s literally a crazy experience. And all I can do is sit stunned and silent. Because if I speak up, it actually gets worse.
What’s happening with the trans movement in psychiatry is no different than the Satanic Panic/Daycare Sex Abuse Hysteria of the 1980s. Therapists were literally hypnotizing women & coercing children into “remembering” false memories of sexual abuse & Satanic Ritual Abuse that never happened. As a result, dozens of innocent people went to prison from young men to elderly grandmas…all with zero physical evidence of guilt. A few still sit in prison to this day.
When the hard proof (read: bodies) starts piling up with this trans stuff, it’ll be a repeat of what happened in the ’80s & ’90s. Unfortunately, it’s the families & innocent patients who pay the price for this hokum while the shady doctors usually get off the hook with no legal repercussions. They’ll just say “it’s the best information we had at the time” despite all the desperate pleas from parents & other concerned parties like the people on this page & that will be that…not unlike Dr. John Money did with his hideous study on David Reimer. “Oops” is good enough to escape legal culpability if you’re a ‘respected professional’.
It’s one thing to reject a homosexual or gender nonconforming child for not meeting the ideals & standards you imagined in your head when they were a baby. That SHOULD be criticized because it’s cruel, shallow & egotistical. Kids are individuals…not bearers of their parents’ legacies. But trans kids are literally mutilating their bodies & living a delusion while demanding that others play along with that delusion–and making that decision before their brains have finished maturing. The health effects of drugs like Lupron & cross-sex hormones are insanely severe. Any parent who ISN’T concerned about their child cutting off body parts & taking these toxic meds should have their heads checked.
I have never once seen the parenting experience captured so expertly.
No one ever imagines this scenario. We gleefully imagine a future of endless possibilities – perhaps she’ll be a scientist like Mommy and Daddy, perhaps she’ll be President, perhaps she’ll save an animal species, become a teacher, an astronaut, a novelist, or play in the city orchestra.
Then sometimes, we worry about the bad possibilities – what if she gets abducted, what if she gets cancer, marries an abusive husband, is raped in HS or college, or dies in a car crash. Or if she’s told you that she’s gay, you try to picture her future spouse and hope she’s as kind as your daughter is. You picture them adopting or deciding not to adopt.
No one ever imagines that your best friend (at times), beautifully beaming daughter, precious, beloved flesh of your flesh child will one day sit next to you on her bed and say her body must be totally medically re-engineered and her entire identity killed-off and re-invented.
People picture a heart-warming scene where the parent learns their child doesn’t feel right about their sex and the parent finds the courage to accept this as truth. It does Not happen this way.
For ROGD kids, it happens after more than a decade of completely normal feelings about their sex and their gender. It happens after an externally planted seed of being born in the wrong body grows in an awful place in their anxiety-ridden adolescent brain – a place of self-hatred and worry that they aren’t acceptable the way that they are.
It offers them the chance to become someone completely new.
Nope, if you don’t experience it, or challenge your preconceptions, you don’t know the fact that a regular kid can decide they are transgender and get access to all the support in the world at their fingertips.
We’re all waiting for people to see this new form of parental pain and suffering that no one ever imagines.
But why are these kids so shaky in the first place? As you all say, you raised them with great love. Yet they turned into self-hating adolescents.
One thing I wonder about is the enormous changes in child-rearing over the past 20 odd years. Children used to be permitted to roam and explore and get bumps and bangs. They also got spanked when naughty. Now they wrapped in cotton wool and as this piece details, parents hover over every detail of their lives, instead of letting them grow.
How many of you made playdates for your kids instead of letting them make their own friends at the playpark? how many of your kids went to parks on their own? How many had household responsibilities by 6 or 7, as I did? How many of you gave your kids a spanking for naughtiness (none, I’ll bet)
Yet its been observed often that pain and brain development go hand in hand. See a kid take a big fall and get a bang..notice their intelligence jump.
And now look: ever since the cotton wooling of kids began what has happened? Piercing, cutting, starving, tattooing, BDSM, and all the trans pain: binding, surgery. Are they instinctively doing what should have been done in childhood? Are they inflicting their own pain because you, all unwittingly and for the best, took it away?
Because where are the trans people in my generation: the last one to experience free childhood? 1970s kids grew up so differently from 1980s. I ran free and fell off my bike and didnt have knee pads and had scabby knees all the time. And got spanked. Not one kid in my class grew up full of self-hate. Our identities were solid.
Why do modern kids have such poor self-image? I am not blaming you: you thought it was best. But reading this article, what I see is a mother who took away her child’s self-development. Too much reading and not enough just leaving the kid alone, until at puberty, they retreated from you and tried desperately to find themselves. Go on, how many of you arranged playdates, and chose ‘the right friends’? And filled their summers with activities? And extra lessons? They’ve had no chance to grow!
A book everyone should read: “The Coddling of the American Mind”. It details a lot of the developments you are talking about.
For years now, I have said that my own children have had no adversity in their lives. None. Not a chance to even have a bad friend/play experience at the park on their own. Never a chance to fall off their bike and get the scrapes and bruises that I can remember being a daily experience in my early 80s childhood.
Even homework and school — we have swooped in and monitored every single education experience and scrutinized the teachers and system, protecting our delicate little babies from any feelings of inadequacy and overcoming these events on their own.
I remember sweating bullets standing at the chalkboard in front of the class messing up a math equation. My children have never once had an adverse experience like this. It’s inconceivable to them.
And now, here we are, with a shut-down teenage girl who lectures us on how little we know and hero-worships countless trans people who celebrate the scars from their mastectomies. It’s as though that has become the ultimate “cutting”.
Jonathan Haidt and Greg Lukianoff call this “safetyism“ in their must-read book “The Coddling of the American Mind“. Cannot recommend the book highly enough.
We raised our kids as if it was the 70s or 80s. Free to be, you and me. It didn’t matter. The internet and gender ideology swooped in. We didn’t know what hit us.
So many similarities in all of our stories. Mine is the quirky one who doesn’t make friends well. Has a hard time talking to people and doesn’t express feelings. Has suffered from Anxiety and OCD for much of her life. Started hating her body at age 12 when puberty started. Instead of saying how she was feeling about her changing body she went to the internet where she was told what she was feeling meant she is Transgender. That is now her point of obsession she thinks everything will be better when she starts hormones and gets “Top Surgery”. How our kids go from having normal feelings about growing up to wanting to change their gender is something that needs to be explored not immediately affirmed. Once you realize what is happening to your child you are then stuck with the monumental task of finding mental health treatment that doesn’t include affirming and pushing you to take your child to a gender clinic where they will tell you you’re are wrong you must support their transition or you are a bad parent.
Thank you Lisa for writing for us letting our voices be heard. I am hopeful that someday this madness will stop. Hopeful that someday my daughter will see how amazing she really is and stop listening to those that tell her she needs to be someone else to be amazing.
Hopeful that all of the parents out there going through this craziness see posts like this and know that they are not alone even though it feels that way much of the time.
The baby had a bad response to the breast milk? And grew up autistic. I see this again and again and its true of myself. Babies who cannot wind, who cry for hours after feeding. Autistic people with this infancy story. Is this the cause, here? Maybe as soon as a baby rejects the milk some alternative should be found. Perhaps breast isnt best for all.
Also, I think its likely that stress in the mother will curdle the mill and make it indigestible. Mothers worry and worry these days as this article shows. They no longer trust to instinct but constantly research and read and fret the kid isnt as other kids. They dont seem to have time to just enjoy being mother any more.
Re the idea that the baby had a bad response to breast milk and grew up autistic — there’s no way to draw a cause and effect there. There’s no evidence that stress “curdles” the milk either. If your baby is gaining weight, and your doctor is satisfied, the milk is providing nutrition.
When bad things happen, we look for causes — that’s natural. But let me gently suggest that many babies who “grew up autistic” — or perhaps those who didn’t get an ASD label but grew up super, super sensitive to all sorts of sensory input — had a bad reaction to everything — being set down, having their diaper changes, being dressed, having lights on, having lights off, being in motion, being still, being in the stroller, any kind of calories in their sensitive digestive tract… for these babies, it’s an endless list of what sets them off.
For these super-sensitive and reactive babies, who grow up to be super-sensitive and reactive toddlers, little kids, big kids, teens, and adults, it’s a way of being, not a thing you caused — that’s my belief anyway.
In my case, my super-sensitive and reactive child was completely resistant to learning to self-soothe and self-regulate, too. It certainly wasn’t for lack of intensive love, attention and trying to teach skills for navigating the world.
If someone goes through the world feeling bad, and there’s a current peer-driven trend that says, “You feel wrong because you’re body’s wrong” this is incredibly seductive. But it’s not going to help, and for these sensitive souls, it will probably make them feel worse. I’m waiting for my child to realize that.
Jenny… while I’m sure overprotective parenting styles has contributed to this mess I think we need to be careful in thinking it’s that simple. All my children had the freedom to explore, make mistakes , get muddy etc. I never believed in hovering over my child. I raised my children much the same way I myself was raised. I know mistakes are a part of growing. Sorry … I’m not taking the blame for this shit! Every time my kid would say I have depression or anxiety or this or that other self diagnoses I would try to calmly point out that she was jumping to far ahead. Our society has a label and diagnosis for every human emotion under the sun!! Being a teenager is tough … especially since the dawn of social media. None of these therapists are saying look a lot of what you are feeling and experiencing is very common for your age. Let’s develop some good coping mechanisms so you can feel like you have control over your life. Every single time I have said to my kid that these are normal feelings she just shoots back I don’t understand. So no I’m blaming the shitty state of therapy with its over diagnosing and drugging. I’m blaming the media for feeding this frenzy and a sick society that enables narcissism and identity craziness! Believe me I would love it to be my fault because I can change my behaviors but I can’t change the world… especially if I’m seen as being transphobic for not believing the ideology. Not one single therapist helped my kid. They made a bad situation worse with their automatic acceptance and affirmation.
I’m not owning it either. I’ve got two kids, both raised the same way. Early responsibilities, church, parochial schools (albeit liberal style), volunteer opportunities, regular checkups, decent diet, taught to use public transportation alone, etc. One kid’s fine, one’s not. Jenny has some good points about the overall fragility of these kids, but that’s not the whole story.
My putative transkid is an adoptee who was in an orphanage through her infant/toddler years which means … by the time we got her, she was already pretty “extra.” A lot of these kids have prior underlying psych issues, whether or not professionally diagnosed. Some of that’s likely biological, some of it is social, some of it’s maybe environmental. Who the heck knows?
And then there is the lovely bonus of social media, which has shaped the brains of these kids (and adults, too) in generally negative ways that continue to unfold. Our children were the guinea pigs for this “advancement” and though you can impose some controls, if the kids need internet for homework (which they all do), you can’t control their use completely. Especially not as they get older.
One thing for sure — it’s nearly impossible to get any help that doesn’t lead to quick transition for these kids and young adults. So you stay away from the “help” and then … other issues that need work don’t get attention. And meanwhile as a parent you’re vilified if you do not quickly agree with your kid’s self-diagnosis of being trans, and your social network starts referring to the kid by opposite-sex pronouns and claiming you’re abusive for not getting with the program.
When you’re trying to fight the schools, the med/psych establishment, your political party, and all the unicorns and rainbows in the media, it’s “voice crying in the wilderness” territory, for sure.
Like I mentioned in another comment — it seems like there’s an entire army ready to take us down if we doubt our daughter’s self diagnosis.
And that army includes other parents who’s children are “hetero-normal” but extremely affirming. To the point of setting up ridiculous “gentle interventions” on us to “help” us get over what they apparently interpret as some sort of anti-LGBT conservative bent. That’s literally the opposite of who we are.
These people in our lives don’t have their own child on the verge of self-mutilation surgeries and a chemical transformation. That’s what is terrifying us.
None of the people in our lives ever talk about the long-term effects. 10, 15, 30 years from now… they all completely avoid me when I ask how they think this unfolds over that much time.
And what do all these vulnerable kids from all over the world have in common? U tube, chat rooms, social media. The psychiatrist said, “it didn t start there?” It most certainly did. Before u tube, she was the girliest girl ever. Refused to put on a pair of pants until the age of 14! The video s out there are disturbing. Telling girls to shave, even if minimal facial hair or, showing them how to make fake body parts out of socks, and of course, post mastectomy pictures! Disturbing!
These are the things I DO blame myself for…. not being more vocal about my acceptance of my child’s lesbian identity. I stupidly assumed things were much better for homosexuals. I blame myself for taking her to these therapists. I blame myself for naively believing that she would get through the tough times. I blame myself for not knowing how screwed up social media is and not reaching her before it was too late. Parents are losing the influence . I guess every generation felt this way but our society is heading towards some very dark times if we don’t wake the hell up!
I guess all I’m trying to say is I don’t think there is a certain type of parent that has a child that comes to identify as trans. I think any child or teen can become. Vulnerable to this. I think lesbians feminine boys and autistic kids are the most at risk but there are plenty out there who are none of these things and still seek hormones and surgeries
Thank you Lisa. This speaks to much of what we are going through.
It might be too late for my 20 year old daughter (coming up on one year on T, supplied by her University Healthcare Plan) but I’m beginning to think there’s a tipping point in thinking about ROGD. I live in a large, liberal, east coast city and no one I have shared this news with has celebrated it. All liberals, they have universally said things like “there’s no way she’s a man’, “she’ll never pass”, “have you considered suing the school”, “this is a a mental health, not gender issue”. The therapist I’ve started seeing calls it a “trend”. My daughter’s therapist has strongly advised her NOT to go down this path as a teen ager. It doesn’t change anything and I often feel hopeless about it. But I do think asking teen agers to make informed consent on a life time of medication, removing healthy body parts and rendering themselves infertile will be exposed for the abuse it is.
I feel so alone, so helpless. Please help! I don’t know what to say. Is it a trend or is it life?
At the moment for us we have yet to have face to face contact with anyone from websites, so it’s just personal contact with therapists so far. If there are any support groups that emerge that actually meet that I find out about, I will share.
Me too
I promise you, you are not slone! Praying it’s a trend- for all of us. This site has given me hope that it is
Tears are flowing from the UK, just how can there be so many of us all in the same pain. I read your letter out to my therapist, always trying to explain my side as a mother who knows this is not right for her daughter. I raised my hand each time there was a similarity, I raised my hand near 20 times. I cried. I cried for my daughter who was 12/13 when this began. She is now nearly 16 and so convinced she is male, our closeness has now gone. We don’t talk, she won’t talk. The school tried to tell me she was Gillick competent aged 13 and they would change her name against my wishes, I fought and won. I will always fight. I am so grateful for the support here, this letter although deeply painful to read is what we need people to hear because I will never stop fighting.
Information can be found on line, often a solution to most issues, problems. Even the cruellest of problems / illnesses have a resolution or advice somewhere or somehow on line. In this mess, there is nothing and I wonder over and over each day just how did we get caught up in this utter nightmare? I admit I obsess over it, desperate to find a solution or a way out. I agree with previous comments that anorexia may be ‘easier’ to deal with at least there is help and support. Never for a moment do I underestimate how much of a nightmare Anorexia is. Just how did we ever get to this point?
I understand. I obsess also. Our daughters a similar age. Mine has just turned 16. Her name is gone, I didn’t fight in time. Avoided blockers… but soon she can choose to take hormones. Keep hoping for a last minute reprieve.
I send some love and support your way, my heart hurts a bit more to hear you are in the same horrific situation. How and why have we found ourselves here? Are you in UK?
Apologies up front for posting here, as our problem is not ROGD, but I don’t know where else to post. Our daughter is 17. She has been gender non-confirming since she was around 6, and saying she is/wants to be a boy since around 12. She has short hair, only wears mens’ clothes, wears tight sports bras and passes as a boy. Her friends all call her by her male name and pronouns, as does part of the family. My husband and I refuse. She doesn’t like boys, romantically or socially, her only male friend is gay and other friends are girls. She is attracted to girls. She tells me that she doesn’t want surgery and hormones but I think that is a lie- she knows we or our medical insurance won’t pay for it and the wait for the state system is many years. She says that she will legally change her name as soon as she turns 18.
I believe that she is a gender nonconforming lesbian and I fervently hope that she will accept and make peace with this identity. Am I wrong? Does the fact that it has been going on for so many years means that she really is transgender? Is there such a thing? Like so many of your daughters she is quirky, never quite fitted in anywhere and has now found her tribe among the LGBTQ crowd, both in real life and online. She does not at the moment present with any other mental health issues apart from ADHD. She refuses to go to therapy to explore this issue as she doesn’t have a problem with being trans, I’m the one with the problem.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Any input will be gratefully received.
Watch Pique Resilience Project videos, especially Benjamin A. Boyce’s interviews with the four young women on YouTube (esp. Dagny); should give you perspective about your daughter.
Thank you
Mine is somewhat similar to this, but this started at 14 and she’s now 18, and I would classify it as ROGD, and she claims she is attracted to boys and has many male and female friends, though has never been in a relationship. I JUST TODAY left her at college, only about 35 minutes away from home. She claimed a few months ago that she no longer believes in the trans stuff, but that she just wants to be gender neutral. I felt it was a step in the right direction, a step closer to reality, but not completely there yet. A few days ago she told me that at college she will stop using the boy name that she had all of her friends, their parents, and some teachers calling her (we never did call her that), and instead wants to shorten her middle name of Miriam into Mir as her name. Again, seems silly to us and not quite there, but a step in the right direction, or so I thought. Right as I was leaving her dorm room I noticed a binder in with her stuff, and her roommate that she knew from a camp last summer referred to her as “they”, which I had never heard any of her other friends call her. She’s thin and very flat-chested, and seriously doesn’t need a binder, but usually wears a high-necked sports bra to appear to not have any breasts at all. Again, I TRY not to care too much about that or the clothing style, and luckily for her, her body shape is sort of gender-neutral. We are supposed to talk more about what I saw and what I heard this evening, but she has texted me an excuse for both things. She claims it’s just a sports bra, but made by a binder company and definitely that material, and she claims she never wears it because it’s not comfortable. [Then why did she bring it to college?] She also claims that she never told her roommate to use “they” to refer to her. I’m not sure I believe either thing anymore. It seems as if she often says things just because she thinks it’s what her parents want to hear. I know all teenagers do that to some extent, but I also feel like I just got lied to all summer long and was fooled and now it’s too late!
It really is comforting to know that there are so many other concerned parents dealing with similar issues. I almost wrote back to so many of the other posters too, but yours I just had to reply to. Best of luck to all of us! May we all keep parenting the way we feel we should parent!
Thank you. I’m so with you on the kids saying what they think we want to hear. Mine lies fluently, I have no idea how often she gets away with it.
I honestly thought I was the only person dealing with this situation. When my daughter came out to me as gay, I was loving and supportive. She is 12 and has a friend who identifies as male and suddenly my daughter wants to be a boy. I think it’s because she wants so badly to belong anywhere. I am sobbing as I write knowing that somebody finally gets it.
My daughter is 14 now and did exactly what it appears your daughter did. Except with one more step- first she came out to me as gay, then a few months later as non-binary. Had a friend who claims to be pansexual. Then later with this friend coaching her, came out to me as trans. I, too, feel all this is a result of wanting a place to fit in and find her “tribe.” I refuse to believe any of it is authentic. I am choosing my battles with her and standing firm in my own convictions, all the while trying not to alienate her. We are fortunate to have a good therapist who is non-affirming, but still able to have a good rapport and trusting therapeutic relationship with her. We are always focused on agreeing to disagree and the notion that I can love and accept her without agreeing with her ideology. Mutual respect for each other and communication is key. I know she is in there somewhere and I am waiting for her to come back to me. Another fear I have is her pride and stubbornness…even if she realizes she is NOT a boy trapped in her body, her inability to admit she made a mistake by labeling herself as trans could easily keep her from desisting.
Omg yes…one of my biggest fears is that her stubbornness will prevent her from admitting to us, to others, to HERSELF that she’s wrong in her chosen label of trans. When she first came to us (and as so many others have mentioned with what seemed like a scripted declaration of coming out) she told us she’s pan sexual even though not yet sexually active. Then proceeded to “educate” us in all the different terms and informing us that gender is just a social construct. I’m sorry, what? I think these kids are being seduced by the tantalizing world of limitless ways to identify. And then cheer each other on with every Instagram post…I’m tempted sometimes to scream right through my phone at all of those champions of the moody, boyish pictures she posts and their comments of “KING”, “you so handsome boy”, “a true icon”…ugh. I do try to pick my battles (the latest one being allowing her to wear the boys choir uniform instead of the beautiful girls gown, something that she was looking SO forward to wearing right up until all this BS started) but it seems like we keep inching closer and closer to the point of no return…
Wonderful article which captures the agony we all are feeling. And my heart goes out to all you loving parents who are being forced, like we are, to watch the train crash with their child inside, from inside a locked cage.
Same story from here in the UK except I would add 4-5 years on to the timeline for my ASD daughter – started at age 17, now aged 21 and on the (thankfully) long waiting list for GID clinic. I am appalled to hear there is no therapy offered.