4thWaveNow was founded in 2015 by Denise, the mother of a teenage girl who suddenly announced she was a trans man after a few weeks of total immersion in YouTube transition vlogs and other trans-oriented social media. Denise’s daughter Chiara has since desisted from identifying as transgender and in 2019 cofounded an organization for desisted/detransitioned women, the Pique Resilience Project.
4thWaveNow founder Denise and friends.
In early 2015, after much research and fruitless searching for an alternative online viewpoint, Denise began writing about her deepening skepticism of the ever-accelerating medical and media fascination with the phenomenon of “transgender children.”
4thWaveNow has now expanded to feature not only Denise’s writing, but that of other parents, formerly trans-identified people, and others with professional expertise and experience with young people questioning their gender identity.
Readers, please introduce yourselves and feel welcome here.
From the founder:
I created this site because mine is a viewpoint that is seldom publicly heard: that of a left-leaning parent who is critical of the dominant paradigm regarding transgender politics and treatment. My primary concern is children, teens, and people in their early 20s, particularly girls who are contemplating medical transition. While I may disagree with their views, I do understand that consenting adults have the right to do what they choose with their own bodies and minds.
Online, I have been accused of being “unsupportive,” even abusive, simply for daring to question whether lifelong medical treatment–injections and plastic surgeries–is the answer for every young person who has gender dysphoria. In my world, caring about, listening to, and lovingly parenting a child or young adult is not necessarily a synonym for unexamined “support” for everything the child says or wants. In fact, one of the main jobs in parenting a teen is, not coercion, but the offering of alternatives; discussing, and sometimes disagreeing.
It is my contention that the medical and psychological establishments are letting us all down in their rush to diagnose young people as “transgender,” then to give the message that medical treatment is the answer. Much of my writing now and in the future will focus on the adults who are encouraging so many young people to pursue extreme treatments. And I do consider hormones and surgery extreme treatment, if there is any possibility that something less drastic might be a solution.
At4thWaveNow, we are interested in hearing from parents, family members, concerned professionals, and allies from across the political spectrum. However, we are not in accord with conservative, religious-fundamentalist views about sexuality. We are strong supporters of gay, lesbian, and bisexual people.
Please read blog posts and articles carefully before asking questions or commenting, and check our our FAQs for answers to commonly asked questions.
Having just found your site, I was relieved but also astounded that other parents are facing similar concerns for their child/ren as those I am currently facing regarding my child wishing to reassign gender.
Separated 10 years ago, my ex has primary custody of our child and recently they advised me of their plan. It was a huge shock to learn that treatment secretly commenced several years ago without my knowledge, when my child was a minor, with my ex and child actively keeping this from me.
Due to my ex refusing to provide an introduction to the medical team treating our child, I was forced to initiate family court proceedings to learn more about the treatment of my child who had never presented as the opposite gender.
Dealing with an over-zealous major hospital with a department devoted to gender reassignment, it amazes me how they can contravene their own guidelines and protocols regarding family support.
Following a subpoena of my childs medical file, the falsifications provided by my ex and my child to encourage a diagnosis of gender dysphoria, opens yet another can of worms relating to this entire subject. The file even mentions a degree of Autism, which had I not subpoenaed the file, I may never had been aware of.
Even after the court judge noted the hospital to answer any related questions I have, the hospital can now refuse to answer my questions, unless my child provides consent, having now passed a Gillick competency test.
Should my case fail, it seems poised to pave the way for any non-custodial parent to have zero say in the health and well-being of the child.
Hiring a legal team to challenge a large hospital is beyond my affordability, so I really hope that a legally qualified professional may see this and offer to assist.
It’s evil.
I am so sorry to hear of your circumstances, Worried Parent. All our stories seem to have so much in common. You will find understanding, information and support here.
Not my field at all, but I am aware that this gender critical lawyer exists, and wonder if perhaps she might know of other legally qualified professionals out there, perhaps someone in a position to help you?
https://www.patreon.com/gendercriticallawyer
Thank you so much EndTheHarms. I am absolutely desperate for my child and am running out of places to turn. The additional complications of a possible connection to some type of Munchausens By Proxy issue, combined with likely Parental Alienation Syndrome, is making this whole process seemingly impossible to navigate. I will continue to “persistently, consistently and insistently” pursue this until some sense comes to light.
Worried Parent
Do y’all have any other resources? I would love a Facebook support group or something. My child hasn’t come out to me yet as a trans but I want to be prepared because I know she told her friends.
Wow, we have similarities – especially in the non custodial parent bit… although my situation doesn’t mirror yours as to the legal aspects, it seems headed that way, but affordable legal help is rare.
Best of luck to you! We are not alone at the very least.
I’m just finding your site too after reading the Brown Paper. My 22 year old daughter could have been a test subject for Littman’s research. I can’t tell you how many times I have been told I’m a bad Parent by Therapists and her friends for not accepting her as she is as if is she was always like this. Clinical depression at 16 and bullying in High School, along with being a peer mentor at The Bridge, a community based outreach for teens of troubled homes. Many of these teens were kicked out their homes for being Gay or Trans.
I’m so glad a friend sent me an article that mentioned this site. For the past 5 years my husband and I have felt so bewildered, alone, depressed, afraid–no terrified, and persecuted watching our incredibly beautiful talented daughter turn into a being we do not recognize–going from a mostly loving respectful person into a snarky, rude, smelly, greasy haired, verbally aggressive–no, lets say verbally abusive hobo looking facial pierced ‘man’ that frankly if ‘he was not of my flesh and blood I wouldn’t even let into my house. Seeing your child transition is the ultimate in parental rejection–changing everything you birthed and created-gender, name, appearance, genitalia go to Hell. And all the while medical professionals and therapists pressuring us to accept…accept…accept. I would accept this if I honestly felt it would improve her/his lot in life—but that is not the case. A suicide attempt that happened AFTER taking hormones. Her entire personality changed after testosterone. Don’t try telling me that there are no serious side effects to this—all of our daughters are guinea pigs for long term effects, they are the first “T-generation” and I don’t say that proudly. College was a nightmare for us, paying this tuition and all the while the University recognizing, encouraging, and facilitating the transition only to graduate with no decent job prospects because who takes someone that looks and acts like this seriously? And trust me this was not there before transition. I’m actually thankful that a medical issue arose that she/he had to stop the testosterone. After several months off of it we are able to have civil conversation again. I’m so sick of having to watch my pronouns, and please help me find a way to have a conversation with people that knew her before, and then come across the after–the awkwardness of trying to talk about your kid as a child as one gender and then you have the adult present of a different name, a different gender. The guilt is immeasurable–show me a ROGDic and I’ll show you a mother that asks what the Hell did I do wrong? Why didn’t I see this coming? The saddest, sickest part is that even if I had, there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it because any effort at joint therapy to express our love and concern that we wanted her to just…slow down, think about the ramifications, that maybe you will feel differently in a year, 5 years, 10 years, was met with US being the ones with the problem. You bet I need therapy…lots of it…but please tell me where I can find one that will dare to affirm MY point of view on this…and accepts insurance! What really galls me is that all these medical professionals refused to acknowledge our concerns that this is a person on the autistic spectrum with a long history of various obsessions..so that when she announced she was coming out as trans (she had come out as a lesbian several years before–no surprise there, and we dealt with that just fine) and just like others have posted it came after a period of intense online trolling about everything FTM trans it had all the trappings of another one of her obsessions–the same fascination with ‘super stars’, collecting articles, buying gear, etc. her chosen therapist from a LGBT affirming clinic refused to acknowledge that this just might be another one of her obsessions that would eventually pass. She has come out of the closet and thrust us inside it. We can’t talk to anyone, even immediate family are pitying and embarrassed. Last summer we sold our home and moved to a town many miles away where no one knows our children and aware of the past so if we have to introduce our now 2nd son we can do so without the awkwardness. I still have her high school graduation photo out and if someone asks who that is, I say that WAS my daughter and let them assume she’s dead and say she is sorry for my loss which feels better to me…because to me that person IS dead. Only we weren’t given the permission to mourn, in fact, for any attempt we have made to grieve this loss publicly we are shamed for it…and so we post online anonymously.
So succinctly put, i’m gping through exactly the same thing, frightened to reveal my true feelings in case she self harms and calls me transphobic, all the values i have instilled in my daughter have been thrown back in my face, I had counselling on my own and she was wonderful and gave me the courage to speak my mind and be a real parent again, after 2 lenghty stays in hospital with anorexia. (my daughter)Hospital staff took over and i was on the sidelines My daughter has been discharged and is now on testosterone. The NHS policy is one of affirmation. I fear there will be a huge backlash in the future when the “T” generation reasise what a massive .mistake they have made.
We’ve lost our son to the transcult. The grief is overwhelming at times. Breathing hurts.
my thoughts are with you. if i could come and hold you, i would. my family suffered this trauma over 40 years ago, and we still feel the trauma deeply and consistently. i could not express my grief because nobody understood what i was talking about, and nobody had physically “died.” i slept for weeks. my parents were broken. it was the worst thing that happened to our family, besides my father dying five years later of a heart attack at 58….we think the heartbreak of his son’s surgery weakened his physical state.
we do survive, but we are different. i treat my “sister” as if she had suffered a mental illness and psychosis. unfortunately, she lies paralysed in a hospital for the past thirty four years after suffering massive strokes, embolisms, and multiple sclerosis from taking high doses of female hormones for years and in great quantities.
i am her sole family and caregiver now, as everyone else cannot deal with the situation and do not go to visit.
go forward with your life, and remember the love you have for your son. there are people out there, like me, who do understand this awful and terrifying life event. stay close to those people. they understand.
i hope that this forum and others like it can bring you the knowledge that you are no talone in your grief and suffering. we are here for you.
.
It does hurt. My heart goes out to you!
I am a 46 year old FTM and you should be terrified. Transitioning is not a piece of cake it is the hardest thing a body can go through. I have had all surgeries including the phalloplasty and it almost killed me. You need to understand what your child is taking on and so does your ex. Their are success stories, but most stories have more failure than successes.
A mom of a about to be a sophomore in college. Our daughter told us recently she “socially transitioned” sometime her freshman year and her plan is “to seek counseling to make sure hormones are the right path” and follow with top surgery. We are devastated and looking for options, as counseling where we live is affirmative and is a fast track to hormones. Are there parents of college-aged kids who have succeeded in helping their kids slow down and have a chance to grow out of this insane social contagion? If so, can you share tips on what worked? We found a counselor willing to work with her in a way that’s not automatically gender affirming, but we are concerned she may not really “engage”, even if she agrees. If anyone was successful with a college-aged kids, please share.
Hi, I’m not sure whether this is of any help. My daughter, grew up ‘feminine’, with no tomboyish traits. She hated puberty and growing large breasts.
My daughter socially transitioned when she left home for university a year ago. She got hormones first from the internet and then from the GP with no questions asked and no counselling. She booked for top surgery last Christmas holidays – the first holidays after her first term at university. She had no counselling as she was paying for the surgery privately and no-one offered her counselling.
Terrified, I had undertaken to take her for the appointment as I couldn’t bear her to go through it alone.
I was ill (from stress?) on the day and sent her father instead.
On the morning of the surgery, I had a phone call from my daughter saying she wasn’t certain about the surgery and didn’t know what to do. I told her it was not something anyone should do unless 100% certain. She did not have the surgery and has no plans to in the short term at least. She is still taking the hormones. This was such a horrifying near miss. An immoral, private surgeon was standing ready to remove the breasts of my physically well daughter, on her sayso, to fix a mental health problem. For the money.
I feel she has given herself a big fright and at my suggestion has been seeing a counsellor (of her choosing, not necessarily one I would have chosen as she is experienced with gender dysphoria and I was worried she might be too affirming). The counselling has proved very helpful.
I do think there must be a vestige of common sense and doubt in the minds of most of these girls.
I hope so much that it will come to the surface for them all, including your daughter.
I am encouraged by that fact that your daughter is at least planning to explore the matter rather than diving straight in to a medical transition. Many of these girls get the hormones via the internet without any proper consideration and then like mine, save up the money for surgery with no support from any health practitioners.
I don’t know that this counts as success, but it certainly counts as a breathing space for exploration.
I have talked to her about the possibility of detransitioning and that people would really be perfectly accepting if this were to happen. I don’t want her to feel trapped as a man if she changes her mind.
There is so much more going on at university than the tiny transgender internet world that my daughter spent so much time in before leaving home and I feel she is spreading her wings a little.
Perhaps our children will find their true selves and be comfortable in their own skins before anything drastic happens.
Sending hope to you and your daughter.
What a close call for you. I am so glad she was able to look the monster in the eye and decide she is not ready to be eaten up. Sometimes I wonder if this is what it will take–coming to the very edge of the abyss. Unfortunately, so many fall into it… I will take some comfort in the fact that my daughter is “willing to explore”, although it may be just lip service to pacify us…
Any other stories or strategies of how college-aged kids may have been successfully slowed down (from hormones, surgery, or both) would be greatly appreciated.
What happened to the fact that they are considered not quite adult until 26 since they are allowed to stay on parents’ health insurance (and not allowed to rent a car)?
Here I am again, a year later and here is my update.
I hope this will bring some hope but I am also letting of a bit of steam!
We are not at the end of the tunnel but there is light. To all those who are patiently, supportively waiting, fearing and hoping, I hope this helps – my daughter is just like so many of yours – highly intelligent, mildly autistic and very anxious and unsure of herself.
Yesterday I received a long and beautifully worded email from my daughter explaining why she is going to stop taking testosterone. Her gender dysphoria was an ‘answer’ to being lost and unsure of who she was and to hating her adult body. Now she wishes to spend a lot more time finding her way and working out who she is. She’s not sure what her new name and identity will be.
She has been on testosterone for several years now; her voice has dropped octaves and she has a lot of facial and body hair.
On trying to find out what the effects of taking and also stopping taking testosterone are, I was ASTOUNDED to find that there is really not much to find out as NO ONE KNOWS!
How is it ethical to prescribe it at all, in that case?
I find my daughter is likely to retain the deep voice, the facial and body hair and any male pattern baldness she has. She is likely to lose muscle mass and her fat will redistribute. She will go through a THIRD puberty, with all the physical and mental anguish involved (the first one was probably what triggered the initial dysphoria). Then she will have to come to terms with her (altered) female body. Back to square one. Although not quite, as she may be more likely to have osteoporosis and cancer and who know what else (no-one knows).
I asked the doctor to consider her mental health before prescribing testosterone and was completely ignored. All of this could have been avoided if counselling had been offered instead of drugs and surgery. The Hippocratic oath has been broken. Unnecessary harm has been done. I feel like suing.
I hope that my daughter will feel able to feed back to all the agencies involved about her ‘detransition’ as I frequently read how little is heard about this and how little the ‘authorities’ know about who and how many regret transition. Perhaps knowing more would make them think twice about bulldozing ahead.
It seems utterly incredible to be in the position of writing any of this, but here I am, nevertheless.
Sending all my hopes to everyone here, for a sane outcome for our children.
Here is my advice. Cut off all funds to your daughter. Zero. Nada. I asked Rene Jax, former transgender this question about this. He said, if all of a sudden, you daughter has to pay for everything, food, housing, cloths, etc, she will have to work. She may even have to drop out of college. Now, she will not have extra money for hormones, top surgery, etc. because she will struggle with basic survival. After time goes by and she becomes more mature and decides she us really a girl, then reconsider helping with college. This can be tough and she will say you hate her, but is the most loving thing you can do is to cut off all funds. Good luck!
This is extremely helpful. We got advice on both ends of the spectrum–from cutting off to staying close to her in case she wants to go back 1, 3, 6 months or years into it. My intuition is that you are right and that “cut off financially–without cutting off emotionally”-may be the middle ground. Sadly, Medicaid will pay for everything medically, but to your point, she would still have to get the rest of her life in order.
I just watched Rene’s video and completely agree with argument that the left “weaponized” transgenderism against the right. Do you know of any former trans or regretter trans people who are wiling (perhaps for a fee) to talk to young adults and share their perspective, as a wake-up call or intervention of sorts?
Here is another neet video Rene sent me.
https://youtu.be/-pxxBQm114k
We have been successful so far with our college-age daughter but two things have really helped. I realize they may not be broadly applicable.
The first is that she goes to college close to home and lives with us. In addition, she is not super independent or organized in some ways, so it hasn’t fully occurred to her that she could just go and do this on her own authority—- e.g. go to a clinic, get hormones, whatever. Finally, she has been somewhat amenable to arguments about the non-reversibility and long term effects of male hormones.
Another argument that seems to have sort off “worked” concerns her best friend, another trans-masculine girl whose ultra-affirming parents put her on T at 16 and got her a double mastectomy at 18. We pointed out to my daughter that her friend is, if anything, MORE depressed, self hating and obsessed with her gender issues than she was before. My daughter does not like to admit it, but she can see that this is true.
I can’t tell if her mind is really changing. She still calls herself by a boy’s name, brut I saw something she wrote for school the other day—an essay for a music history class about a song that was meaningful to her. She wrote about a song that has lyrics about not feeling comfortable in ones skin, feeling different, etc. she wrote about how she really related to this song, and not one word of the essay was about gender or wanting to be male. So I don’t know. Maybe…
Thank you. Ours is not super independent either and also goes to college pretty close to home. She too has a friend who recently transitioned–I wonder if getting in touch with her parents might be helpful to learn what the journey is like. Ours doesn’t really want to talk about “It”, so it’s hard the engage her right now. But my argument is, if you are grown up to do this, you have to be grown up to be able to talk about it and explore all options. Work in progress so thank you so much for your advice.
Hello, I just found your website after looking for various resources on transgender kids after meeting two trans kids. I read your article about the use of testosterone for girls and that there is hardly any research on this topic.
However you might find something about long- term effects of the use of testosterone in females if you look for doping research. I am German and I know for a fact that the former German Democratic Republic (DDR) had a state- sponsored doping program for athletes. That involved among other things, giving high dosages of testosterone to girls. At least one of them transitioned to male after the fall of the Berlin wall (Andreas/ Heidi Krieger –> english wikipedia only mentions doping with steroids but in the German text testosterone is also mentioned). Since quite a few former athletes are suing the state, there might be research occuring.
I do not know for sure, but I believe the UDSSR had a similar doping program.
I have an essay on ROGD that I would like to submit and perhaps post on your website. How do I go about contacting you? The essay is of course critical of the medicalization of gender but also looks deeper into history and language.
We will email you. thanks.
Thank you
My daughter announced she was a boy in grade six one night and it has persisted to grade nine. My reaction was not great- I didnt believe her and asked her to wait. She suffers from depression and I thought maybe there were some co-morbid underlying issues at work. It turns out she was sexually assaulted by a girl in grade six and subject to bullying. She has now found a group of trans people she identifies with and they are “competing” with each other on who gets T first or a breast reduction. I have tried to encourage her to explore other parts of her personality but she is obsessed with gender. We are now at the point where she is actively talking about suicide and therefore has been talking to a psychaitrist who said she should be referred to the gender clinic in town here. every time she gets a “positive” diagnosis she sends it to her friends like a badge of honour. Now, the therapist is making it out like I am the bad guy for not “affirming” her gender. I believe there is an element of social contagion at work here. What do I do? Limit her contact with her friends? Not allow her to go to trans support group? I am kind of my wits end. I am a super supportive liberal person and if I believed this was free of any contagion I would support it. But it is sounding like an epidemic and to go through non-reversible changes for the sake of a brief teenage episode seems irresponsible. But I dont know what to do- in a practical sense. Like do I stop her? Or do I redirect? Pull her out of school? How do I find a therapist who wont just affirm her self-diagnosis? Is it a losing battle? The more I resist the more she digs in… so I dont know what to do.
Keep looking for a decent therapist! We ultimately found one, and saw him in family therapy – to help counteract the less professional affirming therapist our daughter saw solo.
I know that sounds crazy – how many therapists can you see – but we felt it important that we could not be accused of not supporting our daughter, and therefore deepening the rift between us.
Sexual assault has nothing to do with being trans. Maybe your child is dealing with self confidence issues or maybe your child is trans. Either way you should try to understand their side, instead of trying to isolate them from things that are good for them. Also this has been going on for about 4 years for your child so maybe chill out and realize there’s a possibility that this isn’t a phase.
This is not my first journey into this madness, unfortunately. My son announced out of the blue in 2003 that he had “always wanted to be a woman”, an announcement that startled everyone who knew him, because there had never been the slightest sign of this, and back then this was not a trendy cool thing to do. He had surgery, lives with another “transwoman”, and is no happier for it. He has refused to speak with me for the last two years, as I failed the litmus test question he asked me about whether I would support privacy in women’s spaces. He has done all he can to separate and alienate me from my other two daughters as well.
I learned tonight that my daughter, who is 23, has legally changed her name to “Sol Valentine”. I have felt uneasy about her for the past few months. She has avoided seeing me. I haven’t seen her since June, although I have texted her frequently and attempted to get together with her. I’ve just felt there is something wrong. Tonight I successfully got her to answer her phone, and her voice is not right….she sounds like a teenage boy. I’m terrified she’s on T. I told her that I love her very much, and that I think I already know what is happening, could she please talk to me. She agreed to meet me in the morning. I’m sick with worry, I can’t lie about how I feel about this, I can’t call her my son, I can’t call my son my daughter. I love them but I can’t be untrue to what I know is also true. I ache for them, because they are hurting and none of this is going to help.
I’m so sorry – I can completely understand how you feel – except I have one child, a daughter, who’s living as a boy, name change and everything (no T or surgery yet thank god) who I haven’t had any communication with for several months, and I am heartbroken – and – she lives with my ex, and he’s made it that much more difficult to see her.
I am simply devastated – so you’re not alone my dear – I’m wrapping my arms around you in a virtual hug… we need loads of hugs, support and love … and copious understanding… no matter our individual circumstances.
Without cutting off communication with our families like they are doing.
So sorry for all this with your children. We have the same experience with our daughter- she has all but cut off contact with us, and is no happier for living as a boy. If transition doesn’t cure unhappiness, why do it?
I believe it is the ultimate in hatred for one’s body. First there was anorexia. Then there was cutting. Now there is this, this way that our kids are destroying their bodies in an attempt to find peace that wont come. And the medical establishment, the schools, the counselors are there to help them do it.
You are right on Worriedsik
Yes. This is where affirming psychologists are doing a disservice. They should be looking at the root of the depression (unhappyness). If one can’t be happy with the body they have been given, how can they be happy if they change their body?
So it’s true for sure. She has still refused to see me and is planning to move to Australia as soon as she can raise enough money for a visa. I think part of the reason for that is because she wants to cut off her relationship with me. She is not even giving me a chance and I love her so much. I called her work today and asked for Sol, her new name. They said “he” wasn’t there right now and they don’t know “his” schedule. So it’s true. I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking about going to her work and just giving her a card or a small gift and telling her that I love her and leaving, so at least I have made the contact I can. I don’t think I can do that by myself and drive back home, it’s about an hour away and I will likely cry all day. And I don’t even know if it’s a good idea. I feel like my life is over, everything that matters is gone.
Worried sick this is so, so hard for you; I can only imagine the pain and fear you must be feeling. I don’t think your daughter can imagine how painful this is for you as she is caught up in her own world at the moment. I hope you can find a way to let her/him know that you love her/him unconditionally, that you will always be there for her, and then you have done what you can. It will be hard and you will cry.
Things may very well change in time.
Look after yourself and make your own life the best you can.
I’m so sorry.
Hugs.
Same for my daughter/son. Anorexia, cutting, then gender dysphoria. I think some of it has to do with anxiety and depression and some of it comes from seeing the most horrible misogynistic pornography that is so freely available and therefore not wanting to be a woman. I tried and tried to encourage acceptance of her body and looks. The ‘experts’ really should be helping our children to deal with underlying anxieties and mental health problems. Common sense seems to have deserted them.
So true.
All I know right now is, I’m swimming in pain. I forget for a minute and then it comes back, like a sucker punch to the gut. I’ve never felt this hopeless and dark. I have to admit I’m spending a lot of time thinking about how it would be better to be dead than to live with this pain.
I’m so, so sorry you are feeling so hopeless and are in so much pain, Worreidsick. It’s so very hard when you feel helpless, but you need to think about yourself too and your own mental wellbeing. Is there a good counsellor who could help you cope with the pain and frustration? We are here too, to listen and care. You are not alone.
I messaged a counselor but she didn’t get back to me.
worriedsick, if you are not yet a member at the Gender Critical Support group, I strongly urge you to check it out. https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/
Many parents can empathize with your feelings in a way no one else can do. We’ve all been there, or a lot of us have. Perspective, support, zero judgement. It’s a good place. Please join us.
My wife and I can relate worriedsick. If but not for a faith and hope that God exists and that there is more to life beyond what we can see, I am not sure what we would do. Our heart and prayers go out to you!
Me too Worriedsick, me too. I try to distract myself, then I realize what’s actually happening to me, and the waves of sadness kick in. I can’t believe we’re going through this!!
What I sometimes feel like doing is grabbing my “son” by the lapels, shoving “him” up against a wall and saying “Where is my daughter?? What have you done with her??? Give her back, now!!!” Because right now I am so frustrated and upset that my daughter is “gone”… I cry every day… it feels like either she’s been kidnapped, or is dead, and everyone else seems to be oblivious or following along with the delusions… and I’m seeing a therapist twice a week, am on the forums and still I feel like life is not worth living anymore… (I’m too chicken to end it all though). So I suffer too. I have no one who can really comfort me. These online sources are all I’ve got.
Love and hugs of empathy!
Yes that’s what it feels like. And it’s weird but it really hurts that she doesn’t want the name we gave her when she was born. They call it deadnaming.
She hasn’t come out to me with all this yet. The plan is that we are supposed to get together tomorrow but she cancelled last time. If she does follow through I don’t know how it will go.
I don’t have a therapist, I emailed but never got a reply. I’m divorced for 3 years now, going through this all alone and I don’t have the strength anymore.
Keep looking for a counselor… or maybe someone online?
My daughter lives with her dad (I had her after he left, for 9 years), she won’t talk to me anymore. I haven’t had any alone time with her since 1 August. I’m broken… broken hearted, and what’s the point in living if everything reminds me of her – her name, her “new” name, etc. and it’s not just a stupid name… it’s everything… you know what I mean.
Hold on if only so we can commiserate…
The last time I saw my daughter was june. We went out to dinner, everything was fine. I was on a trip, I came back and she has refused to see me since.
A new site (transbrainfx.com) has information about the harmful brain and behavioral effects of anabolic-androgenic steroid (testosterone) drugs, which are used for FtM transition: https://transbrainfx.com/
It has information for potential malpractice lawsuits https://transbrainfx.com/malpractice-f-a-q-s/
and suggestions for commonsense controls on gender transition https://transbrainfx.com/what-lawmakers-should-do/
Parents and patients REALLY need the information about adverse brain effects. Doctors are not providing that information.
Have a look at what’s happening in British Columbia and check out the comments. Apparently if you are anti-SOGI (anti gender-identity training to schoolchildren etc) then you cannot be an advocate for autistic children because you are therefore a bigot!
https://globalnews.ca/news/4653888/sogi-autism-director/
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Tweeting about free speech, biology, #MeghanMurphy, to @SamHarrisOrg, @MaajidNawaz, @billmaer, @EricRWeinstein.
So just like most of you, my daughter came to my husband and I about 3 years ago feeling like she was in the wrong body. We never had any indication of this when she was growing up. She’s always been “different” from other girls but we just figured she didn’t appreciate all of the drama other girls brought to the table. I should say she is a twin with whom is also a girl. I am completely devastated. She is not the type to draw attention to herself so I am so worried this is the real deal. I can’t seem to find any support groups for parents locally and there are very little counselors. The first one we saw did not feel comfortable counseling her on this. I did find another counselor but it’s not likely she specializes in this either. I just want this to go away. She is 17, 6 months from her 18th birthday. All bets are off then. I have asked her to research all the avenues and look at both sides of transitioning. Thanks for any help and information you guys have to offer.
just saw this, check out the gender critical support board at https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/
Very active parent group.
Story sounds very familiar. My daughter turns 18 in May. I am terrified. We found out back in Dec…so a yr. go. We have tried everything. We live in Wa. where legally you cant even take your kid to a therapist to get help. Its all insane.
This recent piece on puberty blockers by a New Zealand teacher makes use of several 4thwave articles. There is more in the pipeline planned for this topic too.
https://rdln.wordpress.com/2018/12/20/death-by-puberty/?fbclid=IwAR36bPamkLxhDtzO4PrASJ2IIhqD5JFvbeU4kPUeC5nkJcmTih-aNRWSrMg#more-20689
Hi again! I live in Australia, so emailed Dr Ken Zucker. He emailed back and offered a Skype consultation and gave me the name of a therapist here who may be able to give me more help. We are happy with our current therapist, but it’s good to know there are professionals around who see this for what it is xxx
Hi there. I notice you featured my letter of Nov 29 to the Daily Telegraph in which I described my pain at realizing my transition has not worked out as I had dared to hope, and fear that many confused young people may very well end up like me when they are older. Well I’ve recently taken my warning further in the form of a spread in the Daily Mail (and which I hope to build upon next year). Here is the link if you wish to include it on your site. I do this because I can no longer bear to watch so many lives needlessly destroyed by the dangerous trend that is being promoted. My heart goes out to all the worried parents and their children xx
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article…/Transsexual-warn-reality-transexual.html
Hi Leanne, can you post the whole link? I could not find your letter. Thanks.
Leanne, I hope that article garnered you a lot of welcomed support. Your link wasn’t working so here is a better one:
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-6493959/Transsexual-warn-reality-transexual.html
All the best to you.
Sorry, the link I provided is way off the mark. Hope this one works –
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-6493959/Transsexual-warn-reality-transexual.html
Got it now. Thanks!
Thank you for all your support, I really appreciate it. If I can truly be of help today then my experiences will have been worth while.
Hi Leanne,
Your story has given me a lot reassurance that we are making the right decisions for our family. Thank you for sharing your story it can’t have been easy to do.
Hi Joan, thank you so much for your feedback. Being that its such a sensitive issue and have never done anything like this before, I’m reassured that I’m doing things right.
I am so sorry for all you are going through. I have read your story many times. I am printing it and hoping my 17 yr. old will read it. since she decided she was trans Oct. of 2017 and we found out that Dec. she has turned on us. She is so much angrier and was diagnosed with depression/anxiety and ADHD. She is so excited to turn 18 and get her top surgery and hormones. We have been s=beside ourselves and its all I think about, even tho we have had two other dreadful issues going on at the same time. I wish i could talk to you. I hope you find peace. I am a christian and without my faith…well…I’m not sure where I would be to be honest. There are times of doubt tho and those times are super scary for me.
I became emotional reading your message, thank you for sharing it with me. It reminded me exactly of what my dear parents and I were going through exactly 24 years ago, as the days counted down to my surgery.
Dad had been dreading the date – 26 Jan 1995 – for months. He couldn’t talk to me about it or even acknowledge that it was going to happen. I think deep down he hoped there would be a miraculous about-turn at the last moment. When I stayed over Christmas 1994, my frustrations finally exploded into the open when he jokingly compared me to some male character in a TV sitcom.There was an almighty row. I went for him. Mum quickly pushed herself between us, shrieking back that Dad was also in pain over this whole affair.
“What? Are you kidding me?” I thundered back. “How the f– do you think I feel? I’m the one going under the knife remember!! Don’t you understand if this doesn’t work out for me I’ll kill myself!”
I returned home to Birmingham on the train, sobbing every mile. Then followed days of rowing over the phone. Finally a letter from me wishing never to see them again brought silence. A week after that, sat alone in my little hospital room the night before my operation, I decided to ring them from my bedside. There was no answer and I knew they did not go out in the evenings. Bursting into tears amid the clinical indifference of that unfamiliar environment I longed to go home, I felt so isolated, so frightened; yet I knew I had to hang on in there, any melt-down on my part now would cause the surgeon to cancel the op – this would be my only chance at it. And if the surgery did not take place, I was doomed anyway for my pathetic male existence had finally caused me to overdose nearly 3 years before. It was indeed a long road that had led me to this time and place.
Looking back from nearly a quarter-of-a-century now, I ponder whether I could have shown a little more understanding for the pain that Dad was feeling, poor Mum was caught in the middle, of course she had to give him her support. But I was fiery, only I mattered in the entire universe, what about me, eh? He passed away in 2000 but couldn’t attend as I wished to protect Mum from the fact that relatives and neighbours still did not know that Lee was now in fact Leanne. As a result of the rift I never got to hug my Dad again…
Sorry got to go, this is hard for me, my heart goes out to you and your poor daughter, I pray she will choose wisely.
Hello praying mom. I talked with Rene Jax who is a male to female who had surgery and regrets it now and speaks out. In this situation, he strongly urges that parents pull back all, and he means all financial support for the child who wants hormones and surgery. This includes zero financial subsidy for college and they should live on their own and support themselves. On the surface, this may sound very harsh and extreme, but is actually one of the most lovingly things a parent can do. The reason is that the child (technically adult at age 18) now has to pay for rent, food, car and other bills. At the end, there is no money left over to buy hormones and save for surgery. Also, the reality of surviving on one’s own can change perspective of what is important and the person, over time, will eventually realize what you, the parent did for them growing up.
We had to cut loose our daughter at age 20 and she came back to us years later and said that was a wakeup call and one of the best things we did for her. Of course, at the time we asked her to move out, she screemed at us and said we hate her. No. We do not hate her and her tantrum was a manipulative ploy. We now have a very good relationship with our daughter. Our thoughts and prayers are with you!
That’s a very good point about supporting a young person who may be using that support to save for surgery. I’m fearful that is happening with our daughter. She is 23 and lives with her dad, we are divorced and I don’t think he recognizes that he’s enabling her.
Yes Lynn, it can be difficult to stay the course when the emotions tug, but doing the right thing will yield the best long term outcome. I think of this similarly like enabling a drug addict. It is not easy. I pray for courage.
Returning home tonight a pair of strangers shouted in my direction what sounded like “We’re (or they’re) coming for you!” Actually it took a while for the penny to drop – what, because they’ve seen me in the Daily Mail? No, wouldn’t be that – I’ve obviously been overheard by hostile ears discussing my concerns with acquaintances in local village cafes, word gets around I guess.
Is this just the start of some backlash looming against me? Well they certainly will be wasting their time, for yet another newspaper is bringing out a feature on my warnings around sex reassignment this week. Whoever these strangers are, or who they represent, make no difference to my aims. I’ve been picked on, bullied, beaten, double-crossed, rejected, laughed at etc ever since I was a child, and that’s quite apart from being afflicted by the horror of transsexualism. I should be used to crap from people by now. If I may be candid here, because of what I have been through, and since recently losing my dear Mum and Dad (and whose lives were also destroyed by that I am cursed with) I have no interest in Life and wish I could just fall asleep forever. In a nutshell then, I’ve nothing to lose.
That’s why I’m now standing up in public in an attempt to peel back the glossy ‘cool’ facade that social media, fuelled by trans activism, uses to blot out the realities and true implications of ‘changing sex’; these are peoples’ lives that are being played with as if in a game. WELL IT’S NO GAME, ITS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS IF NOT HANDLED WITH DUE CARE AND CAUTION. Vulnerable young people have enough to worry about (together with their anguished parents) already, they don’t need a trans issue slapped on top for good measure. The trans celebs that we hear so much from and who command the respect and idolization of so many youngsters with identity confusion need to show more responsibility by simply (though gently) telling the truth to their followers, born not of opinion but of medical fact – biology will forever remain unchanged no matter how breathtakingly convincing their transformations might be.
Naturally I’m fully aware of how crushing and devastating those words sound to countless individuals who desire transition so much; believe me, I grieve with you for I too have been forced (by circumstance) to acknowledge the exact same clinical reality. But surely it is only right that young people know it before setting out on an irreversible journey, at least they would be able to make a more informed choice of which way they wanted to turn, yes? And if they still insisted on going down that path, they would need all the support and counseling they could get (the parents too, as mine would testify if they were still here). Regrettably (that will re-read ‘tragically’ if it goes ahead) the Government’s proposed Self ID bill here in the UK completely strips away any requirement of medical criteria or safeguarding.
I fear another lost generation may be looming as yet another decade draws to its close. I intend to push on with my message because I CARE and because I know many concerned people are prepared to listen. Opponents will do their worst; I will do my best.
May 2019 be more hopeful for all of us…
Bravo Leanne! I commend you. I would love to talk privately if you are open. I can be reached at stormnewhampshire@gmail.com. I am located in the U.S.
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Here’s that link to the other newspaper feature I promised. https://www.nottinghampost.com/news/nottingham-news/im-still-man-says-transsexual-2375238
Critics on other sites are already claiming I am only doing this for sympathy and attention (which is exactly what I expected). I do it because it is the plain truth when all we ever hear is how cool, trendy & glamourous it’s all supposed to be. I merely present the alternative reality and horror of the transsexual condition as an essential counterpoint. It is for people themselves to decide which view is more likely.
brave! i would love to speak one on one with you if we could connect. my brother suffered irreversible damage to his health while undergoing male to female treatment. she is paralysed. i would love to hear of the complications you suffered, but do not want you to be forced to share them on an open platform. let me know, and i will get your email through the moderator of this blog….
I’m so sorry to hear that, that must have been deeply distressing after what she had already been through. I would love to be of help if I can, just let me know.
Leanne, thank you for everything. For speaking out so vulnerably about your own pain. For seeing and acknowledging the travesty that has existed in the past and the travesty today that I fear has become a runaway train. Thank you for being a part of our community. We need your care and insight so badly. Thank you again.
Thankyou Annie for your warm words and support. I’ve had a few moments doubting myself in this, I’m very shy and quiet after all, I get so worried I might screw things up, so lovely messages like yours do go a long way to reassure me.
Dear Friends,
I’ve not posted an update in a while about our young Silas. Some of you will remember that Silas is my partner, Anastasia’s son. Silas’s other mother decided he was a transgender girl at age 4 and registered him as “Lara”, transgender female in Kindergarten. This is the third year that Silas has gone to school as Lara. As you can imagine, this concerns me greatly, for he has no idea that it will be more and more difficult to change this trajectory that his other mom placed him on. He does not understand that he has been grossly manipulated because he loves his other mom. All of Anastasia’s requests to keep things neutral in school for Silas and have both names available to him have been solidly refused due to politics. In our New England town, if a child says they are one thing and the parents disagree, it is the child’s statement alone that will be honored. This has done no favors for Silas, who remains caught in a loyalty tug-of-war between his parents.
Have any of you read the recent article by Jenn Smith out of British Columbia about the “Infants Act?” This terrifyingly wrong act permits minors who state they want hormones to get them from doctors WITHOUT parental involvement or consent! Right now, Silas is 8 years old. His moms have been in a custody battle for over a year and the end is not in sight. Anastasia has never wanted anything more than openness and neutrality as this young child tries on different things. WHY HAS BEING OPEN AND REASONABLE BECOME SOMETHING TO FIGHT FOR? Silas has never been gender dysphoric – he has always loved his boy body. But tell me, kind allies, how is is that gender clinics are now stating that a diagnosis of gender dysphoria is no longer needed? That if a child says they are something, they are? It is a new world of terror and seedy proclamations of care by these so-called medical professionals for children that are designed to damage lives. And so it continues.
If, God forbid, Silas’s other Munchausen mom were to gain custody, she would almost certainly have him taking blockers within the year. This young child loves being the boy he was born as. I understand that you cannot define a being by action alone but it is hard because he loves being Silas; he is comfortable being Silas and his friends he plays with the most are all boys and very oriented to stereotypicalyl masculine things. It’s so confounding! He is absolutely a boy named Lara at school. He dresses in typical male attire most of the time now. As a younger child, he went to school from Other Mom’s house in frilly pink clothes. As he has gotten older, he is much more aware and seems to be rejecting skirts and dresses.
He is about to have his third visit to Boston Children’s Hospital’s Gender Management Services (GeMS). So he can have his gender managed by wayward professionals? Yes, I hate that place – it is run by Spack, though we’ve thankfully never seen him. I could not stomach that. It is in a previous custody agreement that Silas will have yearly evaluations there. Last year, I told the doctor he saw there for the follow-up, that Silas was not gender dysphoric and loved his male body. She waved me away and said she knew lots of people who were trans who loved their natal bodies. Say WHAT?? His “official” diagnosis is gender dysphoria, unspecified. This merely means he does not meet all the criteria for gender dysphoria. How about NONE of the criteria for gender dysphoria? He meets none.
If there is a trial, we will need amazing expert witnesses. Every time I post an update, I ask if anyone has any great suggestions for expert witnesses. So far, we have Anne Fausto-Sterling (Pink and Blue Project), Jack Dresher, possibly James Cantor, and Ken Zucker did say he could be considered but that he would need to evaluate Silas in Toronto, something Other Mom would not agree to unless forced or negotiated. I also wanted Debra Soh but she has never responded to my requests for contact. Zucker has rightly pointed out that none of these possible witnesses are child psychologists (except him), a point well taken. But how do we find a child psychologist who is on our side? Not so easy!
In the world of children and gender, things seem to get more wonky every month. Also, the judge on the case seems to have bought into the notion of likely self-harm and suicide if Silas is not allowed to be free to express his gender. This is another big worry.
Thanks for listening, my friends. In spite of the fact that most of you have older kids, without all of you here, we would be in a free-fall into despair.
With love and gratitude,
Annie and Anastasia
Dear Annie and Anastasia,
So sad to hear of your terrible struggles working on behalf of Silas. Here’s hoping that the custody battle resolves as you hope or at least that an authoritative psychologist will lend support. Thank you for sharing your story. Wishing you all the strength you need to get through this.
Bev Jackson
My heart aches for your grandson Annie.
On a bright note, a mother in our parent support group informed us that her daughter no longer thinks she is a boy. It was a battle for the mom. She had to pull here daughter out of the public school system and put her into a private school to get her out of the toxic environment she was in. I commend those who have the courage to do that as well as hime school.
be brave! we love you
Annie,
My apologies my late reply. We’re so sorry for what you and Silas are being forced to go through. Did you reach Dr Debra Soh? If not, try her on twitter: https://twitter.com/DrDebraSoh. You don’t have to use your real name in order to create a twitter account. It’s the easiest way to “talk” directly with someone you wouldn’t otherwise be able to reach. There are options for posting to their twitter account, everyone can see, Or, messaging them directly, which is private.
Good Luck!
Hi Annie and Anastasia,
Sorry for the late response. I just read this and was thinking that your best recourse would probably be a lot of videos to confirm what your trying so desperately to convey especially when Silas is with his peers and happiest.
Dear Friends,
I’ve not posted an update in a while about our young Silas. Some of you will remember that Silas is my partner, Anastasia’s son. Silas’s other mother decided he was a transgender girl at age 4 and registered him as “Lara”, transgender female in Kindergarten. This is the third year that Silas has gone to school as Lara. As you can imagine, this concerns me greatly, for he has no idea that it will be more and more difficult to change this trajectory that his other mom placed him on. He does not understand that he has been grossly manipulated because he loves his other mom. All of Anastasia’s requests to keep things neutral in school for Silas and have both names available to him have been solidly refused due to politics. In our New England town, if a child says they are one thing and the parents disagree, it is the child’s statement alone that will be honored. This has done no favors for Silas, who remains caught in a loyalty tug-of-war between his parents.
Have any of you read the recent article by Jenn Smith out of British Columbia about the “Infants Act?” This terrifyingly wrong act permits minors who state they want hormones to get them from doctors WITHOUT parental involvement or consent! Right now, Silas is 8 years old. His moms have been in a custody battle for over a year and the end is not in sight. Anastasia has never wanted anything more than openness and neutrality as this young child tries on different things. WHY HAS BEING OPEN AND REASONABLE BECOME SOMETHING TO FIGHT FOR? Silas has never been gender dysphoric – he has always loved his boy body. But tell me, kind allies, how is is that gender clinics are now stating that a diagnosis of gender dysphoria is no longer needed? That if a child says they are something, they are? It is a new world of terror and seedy proclamations of care by these so-called medical professionals for children that are designed to damage lives. And so it continues.
If, God forbid, Silas’s other Munchausen mom were to gain custody, she would almost certainly have him taking blockers within the year. This young child loves being the boy he was born as. I understand that you cannot define a being by action alone but it is hard because he loves being Silas; he is comfortable being Silas and his friends he plays with the most are all boys and very oriented to stereotypicalyl masculine things. It’s so confounding! He is absolutely a boy named Lara at school. He dresses in typical male attire most of the time now. As a younger child, he went to school from Other Mom’s house in frilly pink clothes. As he has gotten older, he is much more aware and seems to be rejecting skirts and dresses.
He is about to have his third visit to Boston Children’s Hospital’s Gender Management Services (GeMS). So he can have his gender managed by wayward professionals? Yes, I hate that place – it is run by Spack, though we’ve thankfully never seen him. I could not stomach that. It is in a previous custody agreement that Silas will have yearly evaluations there. Last year, I told the doctor he saw there for the follow-up, that Silas was not gender dysphoric and loved his male body. She waved me away and said she knew lots of people who were trans who loved their natal bodies. Say WHAT?? His “official” diagnosis is gender dysphoria, unspecified. This merely means he does not meet all the criteria for gender dysphoria. How about NONE of the criteria for gender dysphoria? He meets none.
If there is a trial, we will need amazing expert witnesses. Every time I post an update, I ask if anyone has any great suggestions for expert witnesses. So far, we have Anne Fausto-Sterling (Pink and Blue Project), Jack Dresher, possibly James Cantor, and Ken Zucker did say he could be considered but that he would need to evaluate Silas in Toronto, something Other Mom would not agree to unless forced or negotiated. I also wanted Debra Soh but she has never responded to my requests for contact. Zucker has rightly pointed out that none of these possible witnesses are child psychologists (except him), a point well taken. But how do we find a child psychologist who is on our side? Not so easy!
In the world of children and gender, things seem to get more wonky every month. Also, the judge on the case seems to have bought into the notion of likely self-harm and suicide if Silas is not allowed to be free to express his gender. This is another big worry.
Thanks for listening, my friends. In spite of the fact that most of you have older kids, without all of you here, we would be in a free-fall into despair.
With love and gratitude,
Annie and Anastasia
Dear Annie,
I shared your sense of outrage too when I read your line, ‘She waved me away and said she knew lots of people who were trans who loved their natal bodies’.
This person is clearly misguided, influenced by the mantra of transgender activists for that’s exactly the point they push time and time again. No wonder the medical establishment is eager to bow to their foot-stomping and fist-waving for self-ID.
I’ve just had some pin-head commenting about my most recent newspaper story, in which he reckons I’m a trans person but who regrets destroying my natal male body! They just haven’t got a clue, have they? I am transsexual, not transgender, and I’m trying to present the reality of transitioning whereas they just live in a crazy fantasy world. You’re so right to say we now live in a new age of terror as these trans militants try to impose their warped ideology onto the rest of society.
All the very best to you.
Leanne
(I apologize in advance for the length of this post; this is a complicated situation, and there is a lot of backstory.)
(I also apologize for any typos or grammar errors; I am writing this early in the morning, while running on maybe 4 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours.)
I am a sibling, not a parent.
I am 20 years old. I have one older sister (22 years old), and two younger sisters (16 and 13). Just over 2 years ago, my then-14-year-old sister screamed (in the middle of a family fight, I might add) that she was a boy. There was no prior notice, no indication that she’d ever questioned her gender, nothing.
That moment started two years of hell for what remains of this family.
My sister (who I’ll call “Danielle”) has always been very… willful. If anyone asks her why she feels this way, or how certain she is about her gender identity, she will automatically call them a bigot and/or transphobic, and will paint them as a villain who hates her for “who she is”. She refuses to listen to what anyone has to say; either you support her 100%, or you need to get out of her way.
The initial claim of being transgender came after Danielle has become romantically (and possibly sexually) obsessed with a self-identified gay transgender boy in her theater class at school. This was also during a time in which she had become obsessed with Youtube, to the point of staying up until 4 a.m. on a regular basis to watch videos (even though doing so also kept up our younger sister, who used to share a room with her). Danielle had also been exploring different labels for her sexuality (which is fairly normal for a teenager still figuring out who they are and what they like), but she always seemed to get upset when the family (our mother in particular) gave a nonchalant reaction.
Our mother is actually pretty dang liberal when it comes to sexuality. Basically, her policy is that as long as you are the legal age, all parties involved give consent (and are legally capable of doing so), no laws are broken, and no one is permanently harmed, then she doesn’t care. Who/what we like and who/what we do is our choice.
It should also be noted that our mother never enforced any sort of gender stereotypes on us. As children, we wore whatever clothing we were comfortable with, and played with whatever toys interested us. Danielle usually wore tee shirts and jeans (like most of us), but would sometimes ask for a skirt or dress, and she would would play with both Barbies and dinosaurs.
In fact, her preferences were very similar to those of the other children. To this day, we all wear what most would consider to be “masculine” clothing as a matter of comfort (and function, in the case of pocket size), and we all have a mix of stereotypically feminine and stereotypically masculine hobbies and interests. It could easily be said that we are all gender nonconforming (I was once even used as an example of such, with prior consent, in a college-level class on sexuality and human behavior).
I believe that this similarity between the sisters is where the issue lies.
Danielle wants to be special. For as long as she’s been alive, she has sought to be the center of attention, both at home and in public. When she doesn’t get this attention, she throws a temper tantrum.
It is my belief that, whether she realizes it or not, Danielle’s claim of transgenderism stems (at least in part) from a desire to differentiate herself from her sisters.
A lot of it also seems to come form a desire to distance herself from our mother, but that’s a whole story of it’s own.
Shortly after the initial claim of transgenderism, Danielle made a claim of being suicidal, and was sent to a mental hospital by police (long story). This wasn’t the first time, nor was it the last. Basically, whenever she was upset, or whenever Mom took away her laptop (in an effort to discipline her), she would find some way to contact the police, knowing full well that she would be placed on a 3 day psych hold. She once snuck out of the house at around 3 a.m., and walked to a nearby store to ask them to call the cops, claiming she’d “run away” after a family fight. However, there had been no fight the night before. More suspicious, though, was the fact that she had a backpack full of clothes and supplies; Danielle wasn’t that organized on a regular basis, much less for something she claimed was spur-of-the-moment.
After this incident (and others), Mom decided to send Danielle to a youth residential treatment center about 450 miles away. The center had a specific behavioral management program that was meant to teach children and teens how to regulate their own emotions, and how to cope with stress. Even with insurance, it cost a lot of money, but it seemed like our best option.
Then, maybe 2 months later, the insurance company decided not to pay any more.
To make a long story short, the therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists at the center (as well as a team from the insurance company) had determined that Danielle chose to behave the way she did, and that the treatment was not a medical necessity.
So, after much discussion, the family made a unanimous decision (a rare event, to say the least) to move Danielle into an apartment with our so-called father, Patrick.
Now, as for Patrick…
Our “father” is what I like to call “emotionally absent”. While he still lived in the house, and was still married to our mother, he never interacted with any of us. In fact, there was a period of time in which all 4 of the children didn’t see him for 3 months straight (he left before we woke and came home after we were asleep), and our mother actually begged him (via unanswered calls and emails) to let his daughters know he was still alive.
Moving Danielle and Patrick into an apartment together was, at that time, our best option. Danielle explicitly stated that, if she came back to the house, she would make a suicide claim and get sent to the hospital again. Even though setting up and maintaining the apartment would be a financial strain, it wouldn’t cost nearly as much as another hospital stay.
Danielle used to hate Patrick. Now, she sucks up to him, and he buys her computers and games and takes her to concerts and events; he basically gives her whatever she wants. It is not a healthy relationship, to say the least.
There is a lot more I could say about the, but this post is already long enough.
When Patrick first moved into the apartment, he agreed not to assist Danielle in any sort of medical transition (for various reasons).
In early 2018, he got Danielle her first testosterone shot.
Ever since Danielle and Patrick moved into the apartment together, Patrick has locked our mother out of Danielle’s life, and has denied Mom her parental rights. He has lied to doctors and schools, saying that Mom is not Danielle’s legal guardian, even though she is. He has told Mom that, even if she does not go along with any of this, he’ll just do it anyway. He has threatened her with divorce if she tries to do anything concerning Danielle. He’s even gone so far as to accuse Mom of abuse, and now says that this “abuse” is the reason Danielle left the house.
This brings us to today.
Patrick has sued Mom for the right to legally change Danielle’s name. Mom has gotten lawyers, as has Patrick. They have a hearing in front of a judge in 4 days.
My fear is that the judge will simply see “mother objects to trans child’s name change”, and will approve it, without reading anything about the circumstance or the history behind all of this.
Chances are, no matter what Mom says or does, she will lose this case. At this point, though, it’s not a matter of winning or losing; it’s not even a matter of name or gender. This is, and always has been, a matter of who has control over who.
I do not know if Danielle is transgender. Every time I’ve tried to talk with her about it, she says I’m transphobic for even bringing up the question. Truth be told, though, I no longer care what she claims to be.
I’m tired of of being caught in a needless crossfire. I’m tired of flinching every time the doorbell rings, because I can’t be sure if it’s the police again. I’m tired of questioning if I’m going against my own values every time I call Danielle “she” instead of “he”. I’m tired of having to read email after email full of threats and hateful comments (including one that accused Mom of being akin to Hitler because she’s “unsupportive”). I’m tired of having to explain to my younger sister that I’m the one picking her up from school because Mom is across town, trying to get medical files from five different hospitals for a court case she knows she’ll likely lose.
Most of all, though, I’m just tired of the fact that Danielle has taken over all of our lives.
(Trust me, this post does not even begin to cover everything that has happened these past two years.)
My older sister and I will be sitting in on the hearing; even if our younger sister wanted to attend (she has school), she wouldn’t be allowed in the room.
I do not hate Danielle. We were close once, and, despite everything she’s done to this family, despite everything she’s done to me, I can’t erase the relationship we had, or my memories of it. I once wished that we could rekindle that relationship, even if it was with her as my brother instead of my sister.
Now, as horrible as it sounds, I just wish she would leave…
Dear Reckless But Honest,
I’m so pleased you felt able to share your pain on here. I feel inclined to agree with your suspicion that Danielle’s claim of being trans is down to a need for attention; it appears that she may have been influenced by trans people on You Tube and through them has come to realize that the medical and legal authorities must make the subject a no. 1 priority, thereby helping to afford her the very attention she craves.
I’ve just written a piece for Transgender Trend in which I highlight the notion that many young people identify as trans only because of feelings of self-doubt, inadequacy, bullying, to just fit in, desiring attention or seeking love.
Do hope all works out for you, Danielle and the rest of your family.
Take care,
Leanne
Dear Reckless but Honest. Thank you for sharing this story. Given that many of our situations are clouded with untruths, we appreciate honesty around here. I feel deeply for your mom, and for you and your sisters. Please tell your mom that she is not alone — even if she feels powerless at times, and as another sister on this board (“Sisgendered”) wrote to me not long ago, never give up. It sounds like Danielle needs tremendous help with her mental health — but you already know that. Will you keep us posted and let us know what happens in the hearing? Being involved in a legal battle myself over a situation with a much younger child, I am keen on following legal outcomes.
Thanks again for baring your soul and writing about your family’s nightmare. We are here with you.
~Annie
My highschool daughter was getting secretive and distant. She is a A student. Medically, she has a rare complicated brain condition which is currently benign which I pray remains so for her life. She also has life threatening allergies to certain medications. At one point, she told her father and I she felt she was homosexual and we were supportive. However, a series of events, led me to explore her digital media–where I realized she believed she was transexual and had an active correspondence with other transexual teens. (I hated spying but we can’t protect our children without information.) When I talked to her, she did not realized hormone treatments have any side effects. In addition, she had not considered the question as to whether she wanted to give up having a baby. She also had no clue that anyone had ever detransitioned. I told her that it is weird that finding articles on the dangers of testosterone to men seeking to reverse aging or to increase body mass was easy. However, many vlogs or articles on transitioning simply describe hormones as useful and helpful. She understood enough about her underlying medical conditions to know that she needed to think about the medical risks. After a few days and contemplating some of the above and other discussion points, she told us she doesn’t want to be a boy. Moving forward,we plan to help her address anxiety. We are still processing it all.
I have an idea I’d like to put out to your community for discussion. At the same time that we’re seeing a rapid rise in rapid-onset gender dysphoria, we know that there’s a parallel rise in girls being exposed to pornography.
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/film/film-news/11371385/Grim-world-of-teen-porn-exposed-in-Sundance-documentary.html
What if they’re directly linked? Might some teenage girls be reacting to the ugly, powerless image of women presented to them in porn? Might they be rejecting what feels like having to become those women themselves? Gender Dysphoria might be partly a reaction the oversaturation of these images that come straight out of male-ego dystopia.
Has anyone looked into this?
Hi Ruth.
I really feel you may be onto something there. It is perhaps hardly a coincidence. And most likely it is yet again the rise of the world-wide-web that has fuelled it, filtering through into social media.
Because of that the pressure on women has never been so intense as I feel it is today. I feel so sorry for the young. Already suffering with the horrors of anorexia and similar and self-degredation the poor things now have a ‘trans’ issue thrust upon them as well. Trans people will hate me for this but I feel women’s rights are a no. 1 priority.
Also I’m convinced the trans activists and celebs who use glamour as a cornerstone are themselves fanning the flames of gender dysphoria.
I think pornography is likely one of many issues that tend to exacerbate the feelings of so many girls that the future is bleak for them. A girl who is already dissatisfied with her body may be drawn into the trans net as a potential way of escaping from this bleakness into a bright, loving community.
I also agree that today’s violent porn is likely a contributing factor to the large numbers of girls not wanting to be female. In decades past, a girl might stumble upon her brother’s Playboy and see photos of naked women, the pages filled mainly with bare breasts, but today unlimited amounts of violent, disturbing videos are available for anyone to see online. A teen (or younger) with zero sexual experience could certainly conclude that this is what a normal adult relationship looks like, and a girl might easily conclude that identifying as a boy is a smart way to exempt herself from becoming a sexual torture victim.
I just discovered this site. My situation is different from many of yours, but really, it’s not all that different. My 64 (now former) husband decided he is female, What a nightmare. I don’t know all the reasons he is trans, but I do know that he immersed himself in porn and then trans sites, and he had a dream (flashback?) of being assaulted by men. As most of you probably know, I’m unloving and uncaring because I want him to be healthy again. Such a lonely road. Glad to find others who understand.
I suggest you buy him the book “Don’t get on the Plane. Sex change surgery will ruin your life” by Rene Jax.
I am in Australia and am so pleased my research has lead to finding this support group, because I was beginning to think we were the only parents questioning transgender. 5 months ago our (then) 17 (now 18) year old daughter announced (out of the blue) that she wanted to become a male. She changed her name on social media and at school and has started wearing men’s underwear and masculine clothing. She shaved her head. She has a 3 year history of very poor mental health with numerous hospital stays and numerous diagnosis, including anxiety, depression and bi-polar. Everything that comes out of her mouth sounds scripted and we (her parents) are called evil, un-educated, transgender phobic, even boring heterosexuals. We also have a 13 year old son. The effect on him is just awful. I can honestly say I don’t know who she is anymore. She is a horrible person to be around. The effect on our family unit has been catastrophic. It’s like someone has thrown a hand grenade into our family, every single day. She ended up in the local hospital in the children and adolescent mental health unit and when I asked to see my daughter I was corrected to use her new name! I ran out in tears. The “expert” staff there said to our daughter “Änd I suppose when you were little your mother dressed you like a girl?”……What madness. This “expert” head of the mental heath unit was telling our daughter about how to transition without even asking us ANYTHING about her mental health history. I liken that to The Pied Piper. Leading children up an unknown path with NO medical basis for that advice what so ever. It’s a world gone totally mad. But at least we now know that we are not alone. That gives me some shred of comfort.
Hi Jude, I feel for you. I was thrust into this too with my son. There are two good books to read. “When Harry Became Sally” by Ryan Anderson. Good comprehensive book on the subject. The second is “Don’t get on the Plane, sex change surgery will ruin life” by Rene Jax. It is about his story and some of it may mirror your daughters situation with mental illness. Hang in there and don’t give up the fight against it!
Join other parents at the Gender Critical Support Board. Believe me, you are far from alone. Nearly 1500 registered members and, alas, growing.
Fellow travelers in this world gone totally mad.
https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/
Hi Jude,
This is a similar story to my daughter’s two years ago when she was 17. In USA we pay copays for services. I made it clear in writing that I would not pay for therapy that widened the divide between parent and child. She was responsible for those copays unless there was progress towards her real issues. When they sent us a bill I gave it to her. When she couldn’t pay it because she didn’t have a job they released her. This confirmed what I told her before that they card so deeply as long as the bills were being paid.
She has been in college but I told her I would not pay if she used an alternative name or presented as a boy. She wears a binder there and her non-binary friends call her another name in chats, but others call her by her real name. It’s a delicate compromise. She is doing better in school and better when she’s home. I believe she is realizing she is gay or at least bisexual. But she has not made a statement regarding that yet.
The only hope I have is the financial control I have. It is buying time for her to work through life a bit. I will do everything in my power so she will not be able to transition until she has had time to consider how she got here, possible alternatives, and is stable on her own.
Contrary to the crap the internet and her “therapist” fed her, she is doing better now than before and not attempting suicide. The first semester, I was very cautious mostly because she was about to fail.
One good thing about her desire to not live at home was that her only ticket was pass school or get a job which is the best therapy out there.
It’s a slow painful process especially when they are considered “adults”.
Hang in there, I’ve found a lot of support and action on Twitter, but know there are trolls there as well who are only speaking from their own mental illnesses, ignore them.
You are right to fight for your child. You do not need to support self harm.
Hello, I am new to blogging or any of this. I am overwhelmed. My daughter is 16. She has been straight, bi, straight, lesbian over the last 2 years. 8 months ago she got a concussion and immediately had a total personality change. She is being treated for anxiety and depression, cut all her hair off, will no longer wear make up or shave, now looks like a boy and said this is now her. I was literally having to cover her up last summer because she wore bikinis, short shorts, halter tops and too much make up. I am at a loss. Her brother is gay, I am not anti gay! But I feel like all this boy business is another way to get attention. Something she has been in therapy for 7 months! I am devastated! I need help! She hates me right now because I don’t “accept her”. I just feel like she is a fraud. I grew this child inside me, raised her, she has NEVER wanted to be a boy! Where did I go wrong! Our family is falling apart.
Hi Jennifer. So sorry to hear your struggles. I have a transgender son, age 26. My wife and I got blind sided 3 years ago. Do you have a husband for support?
Jennifer, I’m so sorry you are going through this. We have a very similar situation. My daughter had several concussions playing sports. Her last concussion was a moderate grade concussion. Not long after, all this trans mess had her firmly under their wings.
We got some alternative medical help for the concussions. If you look for mental health help, do not, do not go to anyone who is affiliated with the American Psychological Association or the American Psychiatric Association. Be careful of your pediatrician as well. They’ve all bought the cult kool-aide.
If your child says she wants to see a gender therapist – run! You would think that type of therapist is there to help your child figure this out. They’re not. They’re there to affirm this cult and send your child off for hormones and surgery – all while letting you think they are on your side.
You can find concerned, quality help. You will have to dig a bit and interview many with some hard-core questions.
“If your child says she wants to see a gender therapist – run! ”
I could not agree more!
TN, or anyone, what are those hard-core questions?
“You can find concerned, quality help. You will have to dig a bit and interview many with some hard-core questions.”
What are some of the questions parents should ask the therapists?
Thanks for any help!
I have only just found this site after a year of turmoil. Our daughter of 18 years was the greatest person, not wanting to be bothered by shallow juvenile interests, she was focused on sport and art. She has never been depressed, never shown any behavior that could be seen as being out of the ordinary. She did idolize her older brothers but was well balanced and a joy to be with. Very popular with her school friends, very popular with all the family. Then we went away for a two week holiday leaving her at home and when we returned she had announced to her sister she was trans. She had a crew cut and was wearing the most dowdy clothes. She gave up her sport which was everything to her and just became someone else. My wife grieved and has been severely depressed. They were very very close but haven’t spoken since.
Like many parents we want to support but there is nothing but so called support that seems only to push that trans is ok and norm. We aren’t bigots but therapists and doctors have to understand that something else is happening here. This is not right. It is destroying our family and all that can be had is so called help to accept it.
Not to talk about what was the person for the last 18 years, not to explore the sudden change, not to consider that something else…what on earth is going on. Any help very gratefully received.
I’m so sorry for what you and your family are going through, Charles. Virtually every person who has visited this site and posted here has almost the exact same story. That’s a large number of people.
You won’t get any judgement here. We know you’re not a bigot. When that’s the opposition’s only argument, it’s completely null. Name calling is infantile guilting from those who have no valid argue. Put that out of your mind and focus on what you think might help and/or ask questions if you don’t where to start.
Sure, we all want to solve to this. And if we could solve with any rapidity or swipe of pen/sword, so many parents would already have taken that route. It’s a bit more complex.
There was study done in which we found that vast majority of kids who suffer this have high IQ but also have some issue such OCD, very high-functioning ASD and also have some type of emotional disturbance or trauma in their backgrounds. Often the parents are not aware of it or don’t see the child’s past as having any trauma. It could be your daughter is very pretty and guys are constantly noticing her and she doesn’t want this attention or maybe something similar. It doesn’t have to a major trauma. Many things that traumatize kids/teens these days, were normal growing pains for the older generation.
Kids use this transgender cult to escape themselves. They don’t want to be women in this world where @$$whole whistle at them when they wear shorts or tanks or just walk down road. They don’t want boys at school and online making advancements towards them. They have so much pressure, they think that becoming someone else will let them escape something they cannot handle or face. There are many aspects. I’m not a therapist. I have been dealing with this with my own child for 5 years as well as helping many parents find help.
Most people posting here are fairly knowledgeable. I think we’ll also admit: a rapid cure is possible but not probable.
How can we help? What are your top priorities that we can help with – specifically? Where do you want to start? A therapist who will take you seriously and won’t affirm this madness? New school? Resources for parents to try to understand this? Etc?
I am researching the anxiety and gender dysphoria link to try and make this more well known. Do you have any references you could point to that show higher IQ or OCD in a gender dysphoric (or related) population?
For Charles Russell:
The GC support board is a very good resource for any family or loved one going through this. https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/
“When Harry Became Sally” by Ryan Anderson is the most comprehensive book available on the subject.
Check out https://www.parentsofrogdkids.com
You can find a local parent support group there. My wife and I run one and two parents have had their kids desist. Can’t give in to the affirming crowd.
How do we find therapists local (Portland, Or) that aren’t so quick to affirm a new transgender status? It’s easy to find ones that will fast track to hormones, etc. but how do I find ones that work with teens to get to the root of their new position?
First, don’t go to a gender specialist therapist. Second, best to find a family therapist where you, the parent participate. Interview the therapist first and do not be afraid to ask candid questions; ones that do not focus on gender dysphoria, but root issues are best. There is almost always an underlying cause to the gender dysphoria. Whay does the person hate their body? When did you start hating it?
I noticed if the therapist is an American Psychiatry Assn or American Psychology Assn affiliate, they will always affirm and further brainwash the kid and the parent has no rights or valued opinion. Same for public schools, many pediatricians, every endocrinologist and surgeon.
Jungian Analysts (therapists) seem to have the best grasp on this.
It is crucial for the parent to interview and ask a ton of questions, even if those questions are in the form of you seeing the therapist for multiple sessions.
My child went through several therapists who further brainwashed her gender identity issues. We would have better off not seeing anyone.
If you child asks to see a go a gender clinic or see a gender therapist or a certain therapist – RUN, RUN, RUN!! Theses kids are informed by other kids who are going this trans ideology, of which therapists, and other medical practitioners, will affirm their desires to be the opposite sex.
These so-called medical practitioners will often give your child hormones on the first of second visit – again, no questions asked, just affirm. Actually, they push all this mess on our kids! If they don’t push this on your kid, they don’t make any money. I will say that again and I’m 1000% sincere: the medical world, including mental health therapists, most medical doctors and every Big Pharma company, is shoving this stuff down our kids’ throats like it’s candy!
A screwed of patient for life has replaced “Do No Harm”.
Hi All, I’m new here. I’m glad to have found this community. I feel like a lot of the information that I come across is very one-sided.
About 5 months ago, my preteen daughter came to my husband and I and told us that she feels like a boy inside. Although we were both very shocked, we made sure to support her. We started calling her by her preferred name and pronoun. Immediately she wanted to physically transition, she wanted to get ‘top-surgery’ and start taking hormone shots. She was on youtube daily and I know she was watching all sorts of trans youtubers. A few months ago we cut her off completely from youtube so that she can have access to better information. Apparently there’s a community of youtubers known as ‘trans-trenders.’ I feel like they’re taking this away from the actual issue of gender identity and turning it into something else that can cause more harm.
When she was little she was a very happy girl. She loved learning and talking about all the things she learns about. She never liked barbie dolls but had a bunch of stuffed animals. When she started kindergarten, she became a little more of a ‘tom-boy’ which was fine with me. She loved legos and skateboarding and she considered herself a mother to her stuffed animals. For years, every time mother’s day would come around, my husband would have to get her something too because she said she was a mom. As she got a little older she continued not liking typical girl things and clothes but she never once ever said anything about her being or feeling like a boy, or feeling uncomfortable in her own body. As a matter of fact, a few months before she told us she was a boy inside, she had a journal entry saying that her pronouns were she/her. Leading up to this she had become friends with another girl who identified as a boy and they hung out all of the time.
A couple of month after she told us, my husband and I started to question things (we later found out that she only told us because her friend was threatening to ‘out’ her). I think we were so concerned about supporting her that we weren’t looking to see if her behavior reflected wanting to be a boy. And that is honestly the hardest part of this whole thing for me, is that she tells us she’s a boy, but nothing else reflects that. I’m having a hard time matching what she’s telling me and what I’m seeing. Since then she’s wanted to cut her hair short but she’s wanted to buy things that are not typical of boys like a colorful mini backpack purse and other things. She’s never complained about wanting male body parts and quite honestly, she doesn’t even know what a penis looks like. The only time we know she feels like a boy is when we talk about it. Other than that I don’t see it. She told me the other day that she was on her period but she was in a good mood and she never seems distressed.
Again, I’m glad that I found this community so that I can learn about other people’s experiences and so that it can hopefully guide me and my family in the right direction.
Me too, I almost believed in the beginning that transgender ideology made some sense.
I can clearly see now what it is.
Please, read this:
“Sex Change: Physically Impossible, Psychosocially Unhelpful, and Philosophically Misguided”
https://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2018/03/21151/
Hello. I’m writing a detailed article about Phalloplasty’s how do I contact the editor
SO happy to find your site. My 20 years old daughter just diagnosed with high functioning Aspbergers has told my husband shes transgender. He asked her to wait until grandma passed to do anything about is (we’re a traditional ethnic family) and she said no problem. Which leads me to believe shes really not transgender. Just young and no self confidence as the last couple of years out of HS have been rough. Failed at college as anxiety got out of control and had to come home. Back at school and doing well finally. She has a great therapist who works with adults on the spectrum. Her therapist doesn’t believe shes transgender either. And she’s never talked to her therapist about it. Therapist said we should ignore that she told dad about it. I’m wondering if we press the issue to get her through it, or ignore and hope it goes away.
Affirming approach is the wrong way to go.
You are very fortunate to have found such a good therapist. It is very common for autistic young people to struggle with their gender identity and a lot of other things. It can last several years, but many older autistic people look back gratefully that they aren’t young now – as they too may have been pushed down the route of unnecessary surgery and artificial hormones.
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To the author(s) of this site, thank you for being here. Please contact me by the email I registered on this post. I am a completely terrified parent as my teen recently told me of their feelings of dysphoria that started with puberty. I can’t move, I can’t breathe. I can barely function day to day because I am frozen in fear making the wrong move that puts their life in jeopardy. I need a true unbiased psychologist/psychiatrist that is not pushing a narrative/ideology and will get to the real truth so as few mistakes are made as possible. I have been reading like crazy trying to make sure we make the right move for our child.
Do not feel like you have to publish this comment. I do not care, I just desperately need to talk to you and this was the only means I could find on this site.
I am begging you for help. Please.
Your email address resulted in a bounce. This forum, moderated by supportive parents, may be a good resource for you:
https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/index.php
I am in the exact same situation as yours. I also need an unbiased psychologist. I was so emotionally unstable that I went to see my doctor who prescribed me anti-anxiety medication. Even still, have not been able to focus on my work.
My story is very similar to the other parents posting here. My 15 year old daughter began identifying as trans male 2 years ago at the end of 7th grade. I am thankful for this and other websites that have helped me make some sense of all this. When your daughter who has no history of GNC behavior or Dysphoria comes out as trans it is quite a shock as most here can attest. She has been in therapy for anxiety and depression which began about the time she began puberty. I think I have read every post and comment here. One thing has occurred to me …with all the statistics
and data I have read, there has been no mention of if the ROGD phenomenon has affected different races. I am Caucasian and suspect that most here are as well. Is this a white, middle-class thing that we are seeing? If so, wouldn’t this add credence to the “social contagion” theory that the trans community dispels?
Hi Folks, I wanted to thank you all for sharing your stories on here. As you can imagine, ours shares many similarities, and it is a relief for me to know it. I’ll share the long details later, but for now I wanted to mention that we started this journey 10 months ago and it took me this long to find this site and any mention of “ROGD” or “Desisting”. In fact, I stopped looking for help online because it seemed like the only info out there was how to help kids transition.
SdvDad – I bet you’re on to something there with the white, middle-class thing. It also seems to affect more girls
First thank you to the mother brave enough to start this site! My 16 1/2 year old son after a lecture from his father and I came to me and blurted out “I have gender dydphoria”
Absolutely no indications of this throughout his entire life!! Not feminine in the least. I was calm and listened to him and then I asked him some questions. His answers seemed as if he chose them from some internet site how to tell your parents… I assured him based on what he told me it was natural to feel this way. (I got graphic with him, in effort to truly understand this) Then I tried to find a therapist. He’s only been there 2x and convinced this therapist is telling him to transition. I actually saw the therapist prior to my son’s first appt to see if he was smart, and to tell him all about my son so we can help him because I believe this is coming from something deeper than this because he has had issues in his life when facing a problem and avoiding it. each time the issue has become more dramatic. This being the top. I did step back and look at what have I missed? Could this really be his destiny? THERE IS NOTHING to indicate this. His grandmother died, he failed some classes and never had made efforts to succeed. We ride him to do the typical teenagery things to do, clean your room, please shower already, get good grades. However he has always been standoffish with people. Growing up I wondered if he might have some level of autism, never gay or wanting to be a girl. I strongly feel I am mindful of that.
He has dug his heels in so much and now has changed his stance and so angry with me. His dad knows but he doesn’t know his dad knows. Does anyone know of a doctor in IL that can help him realize that this is stemming from hurt from something? Our first discussion he said something so honest when I was asking him for evidence to convince me that this was his true feelings. He said. ” I just want to feel desired”
I know this stems from him being awkward because he grew very tall, very fast and never has been athletically inclined, very much like his father. My younger son is athletic and my husband (and myself too) have been involved in his athletic games, baseball, etc. My son has also been bullied by someone that we switched schools when he was entering 6th grade. Those boys in that class (small school, small town) were athletic jerks and did not accept him. However my son, like to do things his way and no one else’s. So he didn’t compromise to make friendships. His grandfather died when he was in this class and that was devastating to all of us, as he was a daily part of our lives and worshipped the ground my son walked on. Then there were some other deaths and our family dynamic changed and I feel his confidence dropped down low. I know he is depressed but did not want to do medication because of thos ‘what ifs’ and plus, it is called life and we must all work thru things. I did.. from a far worse childhood and figured it wasn’t so bad for him. BUT this last spring, Gramma passed and he was so sick and had to miss the ACT and it was a few weeks after that and the fact he failed some finals (he’s very smart and should not have) I think this is his coping mechanism. He said he’s been hiding it from me and keeping it for 3 years, today he said that. He sent me some videos a few weeks ago which were to me something encouraging young confused people that this is the reason.
There has to be some help here. To me this is textbook radicalization. How do I help him thru this? He feels if he gets these hormones his world will be fine. He wants me to listen to him but he will not be open to the possibility he is wrong and could be making a mistake. Did I make a mistake in telling him I will not pay for hormones? My heart aches that he is battling this. My soul knows he is not meant to be a woman. Somebody please help me to help him. I’ve failed him for him to go to this desperation.
My heart goes out to you. You have not failed your son. So many of us have vulnerable children that have had difficulties throughout life and who then get snared by this transgender madness. I don’t think you are wrong in not paying for hormones. Anything you can do to slow things down. It sounds like your son may have some autistic attributes, which is common among so many of our kids who come to believe they are transgender. They know they don’t fit in and they think it’s because they are trans and taking hormones and transitioning will solve all their problems.
Go with your gut. Loving your son doesn’t mean you have to agree with him. Another good resource where there is an active parent forum is gendercriticalresources.com.
I have a son who is 14 and is involved with the “diversity club” at his school. My son had crushes on girls his whole life. He went to the club at behest of one of his friends. He alwaysis looking for a cause or someone to help. He ended up liking a trans girl who wants to be a male. I have heard many of the things you are all saying your children say come out of his mouth. We are transphobic b/c we son’t approve of this relationship etc… But my son can be obsessive and he is full on believing all that she says. The friend in question always wants to kill themself etc… Not good for a 14yr old to always here. Anyway he knows about “low estrogen levels in womens etc… I believe he now things that estrogen is bad and makes women act emotionally etc… My point is how do I get him out ? I think his friend will cloud his relationships with women in the future.
Run!
Seriously, you are the parent. You have authority to clamp down and take a hard stand. You have support from anyone? Husband? Friends? This will help.
Earlier posters here have pretty much summed up our situation. Our 21-year old daughter has been diagnosed with depression, autism, ADD, dysphoria and several other mental health conditions, and is on a half-dozen prescription meds by my last count. She”s been hospitalized twice for depression and suicidal tendencies. She is a junior in college, holding her own. It’s a leftist LBGQT-activist echo chamber, abetted by a local therapist who never communicates with us. Her mother and I identify as liberal on most political and social issues. But on this matter, we couldn’t disagree more. My wife buys onto the whole transgender ideology lock, stock & barrel. Having done much research, I resolutely do not. Now our daughter is pushing for taking hormone treatment at a “gender clinic” and adds she wants to undergo a double mastectomy as well. My wife and I have had futile debates with each other about this. I fear our daughter will find “transition” won’t make her happy and she will attempt suicide. My wife says our marriage is on the line over this matter.
My question is this: are there credible resources out there that a) aren’t on the transgender bandwagon, and b) offer credible alternative guidance and counsel to help families, specifically programs to help these kids come to terms with themselves without the radical prescriptions being pushed by the domineering pro-trans activist community?
J, here are some good resources for you. First, the book, “When Harry Became Sally” by Ryan Anderson. Second, Rene Jax who had surgery and is now speaking out against it and helping others. He is usually open to reaching out and talking one on one to help dissuade folks like your daughter’s situation. His email is:
renejaxiwritebooks@gmail.co
My thoughts are with you.
Thanks very much. I do have Anderson’s book and have learned much from it. And I’ll reach out to Rene Jax as well. My career has immersed me in politics & extremist movements, including cults. The way trans activists have successfully dominated this issue while intimidating dissenters follows a familiar pattern. They employ the tools of autocracy to create an unquestionable “Truth” before which all must prostrate themselves. My wife succumbed to this. Unfortunately, our daughter, unable to objectively deal with her mental health issues, got sucked into the trans ideology early and filters out any contrary views. She identifies as “non-binary.” Because I haven’t drunk the kool-aid, she has ceased contact with me and my wife tells me our marriage is on the line.
Now, after I declared that no way will I support medical intervention, my wife says she will foot the costs. I responded that one day she’ll have to look at herself in the mirror and bear the responsibility should our kid attempt suicide after finding “transition” hasn’t made her happy. Very heady stuff.
I, frankly, have no illusions that wife & daughter would be open to alternative views. Whenever I’ve cited, e.g., Ryan Anderson, Dr. McHugh and others, I’m rejected outright and called ignorant and bigoted. Just like in an autocracy.
What is truth? How do you know when you found it?
By the way, I talked with Rene yesterday. He is more than willing to help. Good luck!
Dear J – There are resources and people out there who lean towards common sense:
gendercriticalresources.com is one,
transcriticalwordpress.com;
and many more…
I think we are on the same page as regards the other parent – my ex-husband is like your wife, and our daughter, albeit a few years younger than yours, has gone through similar issues. I agree with you, and I am not able to communicate with my daughter, her choice, and her therapist doesn’t want to talk to me separate from my ex.
I’m in a support group now, and that’s helpful.
Best of luck to you with your daughter!
Thanks. I was so happy to stumble upon this site after vainly searching for resources with opposite views to the trans movement. Like most here, my convictions aren’t colored by religion or other doctrine, but rather by an objective research of the evidence. When I was in college, I was similarly ostracized for not climbing on the bandwagon of leftist dogma, drugs, etc. But I consider myself an open-minded center-left intellectual. I loathe dogma whether it comes from the right or the left, or wherever.
Anyway, I fear my wife & daughter are not the least bit open to alternative views. Where things go from here – who can say?
Lots to think about on this site. I wonder if you have ever engaged with the fascinating scholarship around cults? While research on that topic is still limited, and while I do not consider transitioning or trans activism to be cults as such (they lack several of the key criteria), yet there are some parallels, especially around thought control, social isolation, them-and-us mentality, suppression of the original self etc. And there is good advice out there on how to talk to a loved one who has cult involvement (spoiler: being aggressive and attacking the cult doesn’t work).
This site is a useful place to start: http://cultresearch.org/thought-reform-system/
Years ago, as a reporter, I immersed myself in the Unification Church (“moonie”) cult. I spent months talking with their leaders as well as followers. Bottom line: it’s all about thought control over vulnerable individuals. I’ve similarly studied extremist political movements overseas. Same dynamic. I believe today we have blocs of people on both the right and the left who’ve locked themselves in their respective echo chambers, closed to fresh ideas or opposing thoughts. The atomizing of media has enabled this – as it has with the trans movement. It’s easy these days to immerse oneself in one’s convictions without hearing opposite views. This channeling of information bodes ill for society.
That’s a bit much suggesting the trans community is a cult. You are judging cults for streamlining ideas and you are simply doing the same. I understand people’s concerns about this fliped idea of changing genders, but some people are actually transgender.
It’s awesome to see our society become more accepting, but on the other hand if you google, “12 year old that doesn’t like developing breast,” you get a response that says she is transgender. That, my friend is scary! Who likes puberty especially puberty for a girl, it sucks. I have an 11-year old and that scares the hell out of me.
Cults are one thing, transitioning is another. The negative of cults is losing a sense of reality, but the ability to bounce back is available to that person that is in a cult. The same can not be said about transitioning, you cannot go back and that should scare everyone if people understood there are literally no checks and balances in place to ensure people are not transitioning on a whim. If you sprinkle in the complications of hormones and surgery you are a real crisis.
Up until the last 4 years being transgender was laughable, hell it was even the last acronym LGBT of the most hated society on earth and transgender was at the bottom of that. Then boom it was like a blast to an enormous interest in what seemed like a blink of the eye. It’s one thing for a 14 year old to declare being gay only to find out they were at 17 when they fall in love with someone of the opposite set. It’s quite another to under go life long changes. This should scare the hell out of everyone and legislator, laws politicians someone needs to get ahead of this or this is going to be bad, really bad in just a short amount of time.
yes, it is a cult. excessive admiration for a thing…a cult. the fervour with which the translobby has created its space in our common understanding is scary…these people have become cavalier in their attitudes towards the harms that the hormones and surgery places on kids and adults alike. i have been around this phenomenon for 50 years…yes, 50, and i can say categorically it has hotted up in the past five years to a fever pitch. the difference now is the agitation by the T people within the LGB community. however, this agitation of the T community is unprecedented. the T people have made the conversation about the phenomenon, cultish. we are either for the transgender ideology or we are transphobes (phobia is a word stolen from psychology meaning an extreme or irrational fear). there is nothing irrational about questioning a social movement. the T community has made it so. it is like they have a new religion that only they can see, and we as unbelievers are going to be discredited as out of touch with reality….biology counts for nothing in the discussion. this is like a religious belief. it requires faith, not science, in the belief that the man has a woman’s brain or soul, or vice versa…it is very scary.
I agree. It is in a sense worse because psychologists and doctors are legally participating. It will continue until folks start suing the pants off them for doing more harm than good.
This article that came out last month in Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/sites/julianvigo/2019/07/31/the-patient-as-customer-how-biotech-and-medicine-are-being-driven-by-advocacy-groups/#56a78fae7161
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Thanks so much to the founder of this website. I finally can find a place where I can speak freely about my son and ask for opinion. My son is 14 years old and came out to me as trans two months ago. I was totally shocked. He did not show any gender dysphoria in early childhood. He does not have depression (even if he has, very mild) or any other kind of mental issues.
He has been browsing a lot about LGBT and has friends who are in the same community. I do think that he identified himself as trans is social contagion and that he has ROGD. I feel like he was copying the “model answers” from websites when I asked him questions about trans.
He insists to do hormones therapy after seeing a specialist at UCSF. He has been expecting me to find a therapist for him to get a letter for hormones. I did find a local gender clinic that can provide therapy sessions when he first told me. However, after doing researches, I have decided not to let him start hormones . I do think that he is not mature enough to understand the physical and emotional challenges he will face after medical transition.
I’m struggling as to how to tell him about not letting him to start hormones. I’m really scared about how he will react because he’s been expecting me to find a therapist for him. I’m hoping to find a psychologist who can support his metal health after I told him my decision. But should I find a general psychologist who does not have LGBT experience or should I find one with LGBT experience since he may understand better about my son’s thoughts about trans? I have contacted a couple therapists before I made up my mind about not approving hormones. To me, they just wanted to make money out of this new business and will give you a letter after a few therapy sessions. I really don’t know what to do!
Hi there, CY. Consider joining the parents forum at https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/ Nonmembers will see very limited postings at that link, but once you join and your account is activated by a moderator (can take a few hours or overnight), you will have access to the members-only forums, where you’ll find support and advice from like-minded parents.
Can I send you photos of my brother? He started hormone therapy in the 1970’s. He had the surgery in 1975. After ten years he was paralyzed with massive strokes and embolisms. He has had heart attack and life threatening urinary tract infections. One of these infections was untreated and he developed delirium. This landed him in a emergency psychiatric placement. He has been cared for 24/7, and can only move his arm to turn the tv on. This is what hormones do to people. Tell your son that he will have a 50 times higher risk of strokes. Heart attacks. Embolisms. 30 times higher risk of getting Multiple Sclerosis, which my brother also developed.
Many of these medical incidents are not being reported. Nobody keeps data in hospitals or morgues. The push to maintain people’s chosen identities means no stats will be meaningfully recorded.
Since 1985, my brother has maintained the hormones so she can maintain her identity. She continues to suffer strokes and embolisms. She is on blood thinners to mitigate the damage from estrogen.
Go in peace with your son. Get as far away as possible from the clinic at ucsf. Take his internet away. At 14 years old he is young enough that you can control that. Take back the authority. Talk to dr ken zucker.
Hi there – any Australians following might be interested to hear there’s an inquiry been announced into the safety and ethics of medical treatment for the rising number of transgender-identifying children and adolescents, apparently initiated by Minister Greg Hunt. Looks like RACP will lead it. Details:
https://www.theaustralian.com.au/nation/inquiry-to-assess-sex-change-concerns/news-story/9de740b4129d8b6b517e7e050450bd62?fbclid=IwAR3w6toRwoAd85l9FWG3-0AipWnseIhnVWF3sqge96OGJyppneaoGI9I2HY
Great initiative to begin this platform for parents to share their experience. I myself used to identify as “gender-queer” around age 16 and it consumed much of my thoughts and personality at that time. I am very grateful to my parents for handling what must have been a very difficult and scary situation very well. My parents always acted with compassion towards my wishes to transition, but also expressed their skepticism towards my wishes to transition.
I would urge parents reading this to take the same approach. I know now that the origin of my so-called gender dysphoria lay in severe insecurity following a move to a different country and the divorce of my parents. Since difficulties such as these, as well as other underlying personal issues, are often the reason behind this sudden onset gender dysphoria, it is important that your child feels they have a support system. Supporting your child does not mean giving in to their wishes to transition – rather, it means showing them that you care for them and their wellbeing regardless of their identity, whilst also expressing your worries regarding their sudden shift in perceived identity.
For me, my gender issues went away as I got older and found more security in life. Making more friends and settling in at school, as well as building my relationship with my parents helped me gain confidence and a sense of self and I no longer relied on gender and sexuality as personality traits. The most important thing is for your child to feel as though they can trust you – the last thing you would want is for your child to make life-changing decisions without your notice. I hope that any concerned parent reading this will feel somewhat encouraged knowing that adolescents do grow out of this phase of gender confusion. Best of luck to you all.
Juliette, thank you so much for your nuanced commentary from the “inside.” Might you be interested in writing a guest article for us? Please let us know!
Hi, I would be very happy to!