If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear. ~ George Orwell, from the original preface to Animal Farm
by Linda MacDonald
Linda is a left-leaning Canadian mom, believer in science and common sense, who is navigating life with her 19-year-old trans-identified biological daughter. She hopes that her daughter will opt out of medical transition and eventually come to a more genuine understanding of who she really is.
The events described in this article recently took place in a support group jointly sponsored by Family Services Ottawa and Children’s Hospital of Eastern Ontario for “parents & caregivers of gender creative, trans, transgender children, youth or young adults.”
It was my turn to introduce myself. “Oh God,” I thought nervously, “here it goes!”
I glanced around at the others in the circle. Like me, they were all parents of children who had decided they were transgender. They were smiling politely, looking at me expectantly. I gripped the top of the spiral-bound notebook in my lap with both hands and, ignoring the group leader’s request to “state your name and preferred pronouns,” I began.
“Hi, my name is Linda and I am the mother of a 19-year-old girl who thinks she’s transgender. Well, she thinks she’s a boy, but really, she’s a girl. I mean, you can’t change your sex, right? It’s scientifically impossible.”
I paused and looked around. The friendly smiles froze in place. People shifted uncomfortably in their seats.
I had attended this support group sporadically since my daughter announced she was a boy three and a half years ago. The 25-30 parents who regularly attended all appeared to accept their child’s self-declaration without question, and seemed happy to follow their doctors’ recommendation that they “affirm” their children.
Of the 18-20 children represented by these parents, all but approximately three were teenage girls, including my own. Yet, none of the parents seemed bothered by this wildly skewed statistic. They all unquestioningly, even enthusiastically, supported their children’s wish to transition—fighting for better, faster access to medical transitioning services, cheering when they heard our Children’s Hospital was about to start offering mastectomies to children under the age of 18.
I found it disheartening. To me, the group seemed like little more than a cheering section, where each parent proudly announced their child’s latest achievement—their first Lupron shot! their mastectomy, finally! And they were roundly congratulated by the other parents. These days, I attended only now and then, hoping to find someone else who was as skeptical as I was.
Once I had started talking, there was no going back. I had come here to tell them something important, and I was determined to finish. The words came tumbling out now.
“I think she has something called rapid-onset gender dysphoria. It’s new. Something scientists are only beginning to notice. It happens to kids—mostly teenage girls—who are really bright, but have trouble fitting in—well, my kid had a little trouble, but not a lot. And they spend too much time on the Internet—way too much—on sites like Tumblr and Reddit and YouTube—my kid spent too much time on this site called DeviantArt. I think that’s where it started—anyway they get brainwashed by transgender sites on the Internet. Oh, and another thing, kids with rapid-onset usually have friends who think they’re trans, too. It’s a social contagion. If one kid transitions, their friends get the idea, too. It spreads.”
This had sounded way better in my head. My nerves were getting the better of me.
I had intended to alert the parents to a new type of gender dysphoria that has emerged only within the last ten years or so, and scientists are only now beginning to study. Researchers are calling it Rapid-Onset Gender Dysphoria (ROGD). And it seemed to describe most of the children in this group.
Until about ten years ago, most cases of childhood gender dysphoria began very early, around age three or four. It was extremely rare, occurred predominantly in boys, and usually resolved on its own by the time the child reached adolescence.
This new type of gender dysphoria comes on rather suddenly in adolescence, after an unremarkable childhood in which the child did not display any discomfort with their gender. It typically involves highly intelligent children who have pre-existing emotional issues, and who often have difficulty fitting in with their peers. They also spend far too much time on the Internet, immersing themselves in websites, videos and chat rooms that actively promote the transgender lifestyle as cool, fun and the solution to all of their problems. Most children with ROGD have friends who have also declared themselves transgender, providing evidence of a social contagion at work.
And ROGD predominantly affects girls. It has become so frequent and pervasive that it is turning long-held statistics of transgender children on their head. Today, it is mostly teenage girls who are presenting to gender clinics, and their numbers are exploding.
I pressed on…
“…But I’m not supporting my daughter in her trans identification. I don’t want her to start hormones or have surgery or anything like that. I have made that clear to her. I don’t want her to do anything that might harm her body. I mean, there are no long-term studies to show these things are safe, right? So I told her I wouldn’t support any medical interventions; that she’ll have to pay for that herself if she wants it. She knows that and is OK with it, I think. At least, I don’t think she has done anything.”
I finished my speech and looked around. The silence was deafening.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw one woman looking pointedly at the leaders and gesturing towards me, silently mouthing “why is she here?”
After a long, uncomfortable pause, one of the group leaders, a female-to-trans, spoke.
“OK. I’m going to take a minute to address this issue right now, because some things were said that are starting to make some of the other parents have…feelings.” S/he approached me, bent down and said in a quiet voice, “Why did you come here? This is a support group for parents of transgender kids.”
“I am a parent of a transgender teen,” I protested, “I came here to warn the other parents about rapid-onset gender dysphoria and to find other parents like myself who are skeptical of transitioning their kids, because I know they’re out there—”
“Not here!” called out one parent firmly. “Yeah, not here!” echoed another.
The group leader continued, “We are here to support our children on their transgender journey. You do not support your child. You belong in another group.”
“I asked if there was another group,” I replied. “I was told there wasn’t one.”
I wasn’t kidding. Earlier in the year, I had emailed the group’s administrator, asking if there was a group for parents like me, who wanted to take a more cautious approach and consider alternative ways to treat their child’s gender dysphoria. She politely replied no, this was the only support group available, but I should feel welcome to attend at any time.
I was not feeling welcome. And things were rapidly getting worse.
“Why are you taking notes?” one of the parents demanded. “I was wondering the same thing!” said another, angrily. I showed them my notebook. I had written only the group leader’s email address, some first names, and a tally of boys to girls who thought they were transgender.
“Check her phone. I bet she’s recording us, too!” I held up my phone to show them it wasn’t recording and turned it off for good measure.
“You’re making me feel unsafe!” cried a woman. Sobbing, she rushed from the room, and was quickly followed by another weeping mother.
A security guard appeared. “I’m sorry. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
“This is a group for parents of transgender kids. I am a parent of a transgender kid. I belong here,” I insisted. “This is a public building and I pay my taxes. I’m not doing anything wrong. You can’t kick me out.”
I was on a roll. They weren’t going to get rid of me if I could help it.
Suddenly, the room was empty and I found myself sitting alone. Apparently, the group had decided if I wasn’t going to leave, then they would, and they found another room.
Someone said the police had been called.
I decided this would be a good time to leave.
As I was leaving the building, I encountered the female-to-trans group leader consoling one of the sobbing mothers. I stopped to speak to her, thinking this might be my last chance to explain myself. But as I approached, she pulled out her phone, turned the video camera on, pointed it at me like a cross fending off a vampire, and said in slow, measured words, “I FEEL UNSAFE. YOU MUST LEAVE!”
The next day, I received a phone call from the group administrator.
I had been banned from the group.
Looking back, I feel nothing but sympathy for these parents. I am sure they truly love their children and want to do what’s best for them. And they are doing exactly what their doctors and social workers advise. These parents are simply trusting in the system.
They don’t realize the system has been gamed.
From the politicians, who pass laws forcing us to use “preferred pronouns” and “affirm” our children or risk losing them.
To the schools, who teach children as young as five that they can change their sex, and hide it from their parents at school.
To the media, who normalize transgenderism by featuring transgender characters in movies, television and the news, casting them as victims and presenting them with awards for their “bravery”.
To the Internet, where sites like YouTube, Tumblr and Reddit provide a steady stream of trans-affirming propaganda.
To the universities, where women’s and gender studies departments openly deny science and rewrite history, and where health centres ‘counsel’ students on how to transition and bankroll hormone injections and surgery.
To the medical community, which is dominated by “gender specialists” who espouse The Gender Affirmative Model—a seriously flawed and unethical approach that is little more than political ideology dressed as science, while ethical professionals who speak out are fired or intimidated into silence.
The system has been gamed.
And our children, naïve and trusting, are its pawns.
As a Mom of a young adult female who has ROGD and identifies as male, you have my complete sympathy. However, the fact that your “support group” called THE POLICE because you gave them information that was troubling you and that none of them even asked you a question or requested your sources, but instead ran out of the room sobbing tells me A LOT. It tells me that all these parents, despite their passionate cheer leading and willingness to medicalize their children’s condition, have the very same doubts that you express. They are terrified that you may be right. Stay strong.
GILAW, right on! This is exactly the way I saw their reaction. If they were secure with the way they were treating their kids, they would have had a different reaction. They would have had a feeling of pity for me. Maybe they would have tried to convince me that their way is the best. They would have engaged in a dialogue, at the least, but no. It’s same way my daughter reacts when I question anything about this ideology. She accuses me of being abusive, cries, and says that she could call the police.
It seems to be a symptom of immaturity and insecurity to cry about feeling unsafe and trying to silence other people which haunts this situation.
As a parent who has had to call the police because my kid has been PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE MULTIPLE TIMES, I know what BEING unsafe feels like. And, I had to function and cope — I didn’t break down and have anyone else to fight my battles for me. This is a lot of overdramatic nonsense. I have zero sympathy for this nonsense. Functioning adults don’t act this way.
I have also been in plenty of stressful meetings and professional appointments where I’ve been putting forward an opposing case to people who are operating within the “affirmation only” model. You don’t have the luxury of appealing to feeling unsafe when you’re making a specific case and trying to get people who disagree with you to listen and absorb what you’re saying. I’ve had professionals, in a hospital setting, tell me that I was going to cause my kid to kill herself. I felt very attacked and misunderstood and ganged-up on. And yet, I couldn’t get all riled up, emotionally, and walk out or scream or cry. I had to maintain my composure and FUNCTION. Even, BTW, in the face of being triggered (in the clinical sense) by my daughter’s behavior and in the face of disrespect and rudeness from people I had no choice but to deal with.
So, whiny parents who are transitioning your kids? Cry me a river. You get zero sympathy from me. If you think someone who is doing something differently from you and who has legitimate questions about an experimental process with no long-term studies behind it makes you feel unsafe? You likely need to be in some form of treatment yourself for being unstable.
I gasped as you described your daughter. Sounded like you were talking about mine, exactly to the T. My child, who is soon to turn 27, also was a frequent visitor to the websites that you spoke about. Thank you for telling your story.
And mine. DeviantArt, all the others, gender forums etc. My daughter came out at 17 about ‘not feeling female’ and then unfortunately, as she left home, that’s where my control over her disappeared and she decided to transition.
She’s taking T and is now a ‘He’. I was never bullied and my gut said from the get go that she was gay and I thought this from the moment she was tiny… He’s growing facial hair, still wears a chest binder, has a m2f trans ‘girlfriend’ and I fear it’s all a horrible horrible mistake.
My 15 yr old son is now telling me he’s trans. Nope nope nope. Absolutely not buying into this. I’ve already removed him from the web here at home and will be putting a net nanny onto all his other devices to prevent him accessing any trans gender sites. Absolutely horrific.
Belle, I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter. And now your son! This really is a cult, it seems. I’m so sorry. Have you been to the parents’ support forum? If I am not mistaken, there are two other families there who have had two children identify as trans. You are not alone. Follow this link and click on “register” to join and gain access to the entire forum. Best wishes. https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/index.php
I haven’t been to the forum… but I will check it out, thank you. So far I have taken him off the web, put net nanny onto all of his devices, started him on a regime of vit D and other vits for mood.. making sure he is eating properly, hugged him a lot and told him feelings are normal and he is not a trans person. He agrees that it is a ‘trend’ and that is one good thing. I honestly want to introduce him to this blog because it might make him think. I support my daughter’s transition because I have no choice in the matter, but I have my son for 3 more years and I am not going to let him wreck his life and body because of a cult. Thanks for your help.
So sorry that you and your family are going through this. DiviantArt was a site that my daughter also frequently visited, and had a following of friends there. I hope you are able to seek the help you need, though as you know, there really isn’t much out there
I’m so sorry that this is happening to your family. The forum is a good place for you to find support, as SkepticalMom noted.
Hello, i’m a new face here but this was a post I simply had to post on. As the fact that this can happen to you really bothers me.
As someone who has quite a reputation as a rebel, you don’t want to know how many public disagreements i had in my school days. So I felt I was quite used to the idea of being someone with an alternate point of view not afraid to express it in a room of a dominant one…..
But this is just….really it just seems so….so over the top. You didn’t even say anything really to put you on offense. You just offered a different idea, and they reacted by worrying if you were taping them and running out crying? Then the whole pulling out a phone with “I feel unsafe and you need to leave.” Just wow.
I must congratulate you on getting out of there on your own. I thankfully have yet to see such a thing but i’m not sure i would get out of that situation not heading to the police station. I think it’s very important though that people like you always help make sure other perspectives are remembered. It’s healthy to debate which perspective will win if only one can, but when one side tries to completely silence the other, how can you have a debate?
If more issues are treated like you were at this support group, I fear our society will only become more limited as time goes on. Best of luck.
Thank you for commenting and your support.
Yes, ironic that the facilitator who questioned me about taping the group was the one shoving her phone in my face with the video on.
The reason that there can be no debate is because when one side doesn’t have facts to back up their side, they are unable to debate.
I’ve requested to have a more gender critical group for parents at this same venue (that is mostly financed by government money), but the group organizer assured me that I would be welcome because there are parents there on different paths.
Now, I’m banned from the only group that exists and the organizer has yet to send me, in writing, why exactly I was banned.
Narcissistic projection about taping people, lol. Have you thought about calling the local news station? I mean if there’s no other support and won’t tell you why you are banned the media might pick up the story. If you don’t mind the attention it would bring, i mean.
genderskeptics,
They told me on the phone that I was banned for taking notes even though I have taken notes at every other meeting I’ve ever attended and nobody ever said anything until I finally spoke out more strongly. I handed the facilitator my notes and said I wouldn’t take more. It was never explicitly stated that note taking was not permitted. They even had a white board in the room with information on it that could be copied down. I asked the director to put down in writing in an email to me the reason why I was banned and to this day she has not sent anything in writing.
Going to the news station is an option.
I am fascinated yet horrified by your account of the treatment you received at this “support group”, and at such an esteemed institution no less. I too am from the area and have hoped to find a support group with an acceptance of both ROGD and a parent’s wariness of jumping on the cheering on the trans bandwagon. How disheartening to read of your experience. I’m wondering, since this happened a little while ago now, if you have managed to find another group more willing to hear your thoughts and concerns? I have found it very helpful to read about other parent’s experiences with ROGD online yet feel that an in person experience might help me navigate these dark waters a little better.
I too, like so many others, have a 14 year old daughter who came to us a year and a half ago claiming she felt like a boy. Really?? This from a kid who from day one loved all things pink, played with dolls and Barbies, who made ME be the boy in our games of make believe, who begged and pleaded for me to buy her the most sparkly things from Justice (and I could go on and on but I won’t) is now telling me she wants to bind her breasts, cut her hair, and take testosterone???
So please, if you have found a suitable group for parents like us in the area, PLEASE let me know. I spend most of my days in denial, which I know isn’t healthy. Feel like a dark cloud is forever looming over my head…
I think the name of the avatar next to mine near the Like button is a very apt comment – 4 crying out loud!
Very few universities have women’s studies colleges anymore. Not in the true feminist sense of the 1970’s. They are almost all Gender Studies now & they are all all the trans train.
Thank you for this post. It is absolutely vital that parents know that there is another viewpoint and that they don’t have to quash ALL of their natural parental instincts and agree to permanent, serious medical procedures for their children. I very much agree with you that “trans-supportive” parents sincerely believe they are doing the right thing, but the truth is – they’ve been bullied and buffalo’ed into it by a society that presents only one alternative. Would parents feel any differently if they understood that NONE of these medical procedures has been subjected to long-term testing and research, and that there is NO evidence that transition will lead to a better long-run outcome for their beloved children?
This is also one of the first times I’ve ever heard that someone calmly and rationally expressing a different viewpoint merits a police call. Is it actually that threatening to hear there is another way?
I appreciate your bravery. As a life-long “good girl,” I’m not sure I would have had your courage. I hope that your actions, and this blog post, will at least begin to plant some seeds. Parents must learn that there is a different way here … a way that will involve going against the tide for a while, but will ultimately protect their children’s lives and futures much, much better than transition. Thank you!
I think the parents project to the world that they are supportive, but they are bullied into this by society, like you said. You can see on their faces that they are not happy. Who could honestly be ok with having to go along with these medical procedures being performed on their kids who are just beginning their journey in life. Starting so young on prescription drugs can only lead to a lifetime of side effects, both physical and mental.
I’m just doing what I can to protect my child from harming herself. What she ultimately choses later on is up to her, but it’s my job to guide her the best way I can.
No one bullied me into affirming my trans child and supporting his transition. I am happy, my son is happy, and he is thriving in a way he absolutely would not have if I had refused to support him.
Susan Gilleland,
Good to hear that you and your son are happy – at the moment. I’m sure my daughter would be happy, too, if I were supporting her in this. But, it’s the future that I’m thinking about and not the present. Nobody knows for sure the effect that high doses of testosterone will have on females 3, 5, 10 years down the road and beyond. Teens and young adults are notorious for not thinking of the consequences of their actions until they reach at least 25 and it could be longer for those females who are on the Autistic Spectrum. That’s why as parents, we have to guide our children towards healthy decisions.
Let’s face it. This is all a big experiment and worst of all I’m not even sure if there are any studies being conducted on these young people who are taking these pharmaceutical drugs at the present time. Please chime in, anyone, if you know of any!
Susan, is your son part of any study concerning the effects of testosterone on a female body? Do you even see this as experimentation? I hope you answer these questions.
As for what you said about not being bullied. Well, I think the bullying only starts when a parent raises questions. If not, then the clinics proceed down a smooth road. Also, maybe bullying is not the right word. Persuasion, perhaps? They use scare tactics that make it difficult for most parents to think of not transitioning their kids.
Supporting my child in this for me is equivalent to giving money to her to buy street drugs. She will be happy for that, but everyone knows that it detrimental. The problem today is that the parents who do not want to support their kids in medical/surgical transition are not supported by the rest of society. If my child had an opioid addiction I would be able to get support, but no. I try to find a support group and get banned from the only one that exists in the capital of Canada!
This is directed at Susan (can’t reply directly under her comment). I’m not denying your story. But the problem with youth trans cheerleading is desistance. Desistance happens and medical procedures on teens are permanent. It’s reality denial to deny desistance. There are several examples of youth who fully met diagnostic criteria for top surgery and T and changed there mind just on this website. Their “shitty” parents as you describe them on your facebook page protected them FROM the gender clinic. I am looking at a study review this moment that analyzed actual data that clearly shows some youths with a DSM diagnosis desisted. Your narrative may be true even most of the time. But it’s not always true. Stop denying that and you won’t silence us from discussing it. Another damaged probably effeminate gay boy linked below. Confused gay and lesbian youth also have right to be supported in not having a surgery and drug prescription based identity for their entire life when they would have matured to accept themselves. http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/tv/current-affairs/patricks-pain-i-didnt-know-who-the-person-staring-back-at-me-was/news-story/65ff86c8bfe269109f1b28cbeb93ab7a.
Also to Susan. I’ve researched this a lot. Even going to trans conferences. Not every youth who has transitioned is thriving as yours is. Even with family support and community support. Why is that?
Linda, my son is not part of any study – there are no gender clinics in our part of the country and no one doing research on this. I do feel this is all very experimental – I have said numerous times I feel our kids are guinea pigs. Had I not had 100% confidence that my son would not desist, I would have had a different approach. And no, I don’t know what effects this will have ten, twenty, thirty years down the road – just as I don’t know the long term effects of the three long-term allergy and asthma meds my other son takes daily (one we stopped giving him because some very strong risk factors were uncovered). I wish neither of my kids needed medical intervention to lead happy, full lives – but that’s not how things turned out.
You mention bullying and scare tactics as tools of clinics – well, we have not had that experience. We don’t have gender clinics, and finding doctors to treat trans teens is difficult at best. I know one parent who drives 11 hours round trip to take her teen to the only endocrinologist they could find who would prescribe hormones. This is not an area where a teen shows gender nonconforming behavior and everyone pushes them towards medical transition. Until recently, no doctors here would even consider hormones under age 16 – now, when they do, it is only after certain criteria are met and followed.
@thehomoarchy – I’m well aware that many trans youth struggle and deal with mental health issues even with full support. Mental health issues don’t magically abate with transition unless gender dysphoria was the only thing causing them. My son had no mental health issues at all. He experienced intense gender dysphoria, but did not suffer from depression or anxiety independent of that. He was never in therapy, never suicidal, never had any problems other than a touch of ADHD. So transition eased the only suffering he had, and he is just about the happiest, most well-adjusted teenager I have ever known.
To Susan
“Mental health issues don’t magically abate with transition unless gender dysphoria was the only thing causing them.”
Not always true. “Shifting dysphoria” is often reported by trans people. There is an initial high after the step in transition. Then the dysmorphia sets in again. Not saying that’s your kid but your statement is not always true. For some cases gender dysphoria share some aspects of body dysmorphia.
And some youth do desist. So any parent of a trans identified teen who attacks parents of desisters, or attacks detransitioners, or attacks mental health professionals, or attacks people asking questions as evil bigots causing the deaths of trans kids, as you guys so so so often do, when we have ACTUAL problematic real world cases to point to, as far as I’m concerned (and a growing number go gay people), your actions are hostile to the gay community. You are not just an advocate for your child. I’m sorry you guys have to make it that way. But we don’t want unnecessary medical transitions of minors in our community, and that’s what we are going to get because of the climate you contribute to creating.
Susan Gilleland: Oh, this is working for you? Then none of this is true! What are we doing here? If you believe it’s working for YOUR son, it must work for everybody, and Linda’s experience is totally wrong. Delete this blog! What we needed to hear was the one person whose experience counts for everyone–and that person is YOU. Also, do you have anything to add the conversation? I mean, it’s not like we never heard from the self-centered person who thinks only their experience counts, for everyone. For a group that cries big ol’ awful “call the police!” tears about gender “invalidation,” people who follow the gender affirmation route sure can dish that invalidation out.
hearthrising – what in the world are you talking about? I was responding to one thing – to the post claiming that parents are bullied into supporting their trans kids. I didn’t say my experience are universal, I speak only for myself.
To Susan G and heartrising- “hearthrising – what in the world are you talking about? I was responding to one thing – to the post claiming that parents are bullied into supporting their trans kids. I didn’t say my experience are universal, I speak only for myself.”
But you called anyone who participated in that book questioning youth transitions (http://www.cambridgescholars.com/transgender-children-and-young-people) which includes people who have actually desisted “shitty parents” on your facebook- fomenting rage where and when you can. Well you know what. Some of those “shitty parents” have protected their confused lesbian kids from unnecessary breast amputation, sterilization, and permanent facial hair. I protest your characterization of parents who want less medically drastic solutions for their TEENS in a situation where some outgrow these feelings as “shitty”. I protest it hard.
“NONE of these medical procedures has been subjected to long-term testing and research, and that there is NO evidence that transition will lead to a better long-run outcome for their beloved children”
Thank you for highlighting this, worriedmom,
I have reviewed literature put out by the so-called “gender clinics” at respected hospitals in Canada. I was staggered by the amount of misleading information, coercion and outright lies I found, for example:
“being transgender or gender non-conforming is not a choice”
“if youth begin to question their gender identity in their teen years, it is more likely that they will maintain a transgender identity”
“Telephone surveys in the US in 2010 indicate that 1 in 200 people were transgender” (really??)
“Hormone blockers are safe and have been well tested.”
“How they do in life depends on whether they are supported by family and friends, or whether they are rejected for who they are.”
“Transgender people are much more likely to have future problems if they must stay “closeted” because of shame and fear of rejection”
“Transphobia can keep many people in the closet, and keep them from expressing their true selves. Sometimes this can lead to depression, substance abuse and even suicide.”
(from the Children’s Hospital of Eastern Ontario (CHEO) website http://www.cheo.on.ca/en/genderidentity)
That is completely unscientific and shameful. But, it’s coming from Ontario. I reckon our Premier had a hand in that.
This is what I first read when my child came out. I thought I could trust this institute not to lie to me. It thankful that I cancelled an appointment I had made with them back in the beginning of all this.
Coincidentally, or not, one of the facilitators in the support group is a social worker from this hospital.
@Susan Gilleland
Asthma medication is for a physical condition, and is not equivalent to transition, which is intervention that risks harm to or damages a physically healthy body, so the two things aren’t comparable. It’s not like SSRIs or other psychiatric medication either, as that has a physical effect. In the case of medical transition, any benefit can only be purely psychological, while physically it’s harmful. It’s the same as particularly major, medically unnecessary, cosmetic surgery.
As your daughter (my approach is to refer to the person’s actual sex) has ADHD and there’s common co-morbidity, do you think she could also be on the autistic spectrum? There’s a link between autism and gender dysphoria.
I personally don’t consider happiness a meaningful measure unless based on truth.
Excellent points, Leo!
I will not engage with or respond to anyone who cannot refer to my child with the correct pronouns.
No engagement due to pronouns. What a cop-out. So silly, especially when “daughter” is the correct term for a female child.
If you can’t entertain a thought bc of misgendering you’re voluntarily turning your brain off in favor of not being offensive, you might miss out on something true or important because you don’t like how it was said.
@Genderskeptics, it’s not difficult to show respect when engaging with someone online. You can refer to your own child however you like, but my son is my son, and male pronouns are appropriate. He is a male in the eyes of the state and federal government, as well as his health insurance, his community, etc, so whatever you might think about it, you can respect that or you can be ignored.
I can’t make you prioritize truth over tone, that’s your decision to make, i just don’t think it’s wise.
I just wanted to let Susan know that I am a parent who shares many of the concerns about rapid onset gender dysphoria expressed in the original post and who as a result is not open to medical transition for my child at this time, but who is also put off by the refusal of some posters here to use the preferred gender pronouns for others. I don’t think that simply insisting that gender dysphoria is a delusion and nothing else is any more evidence based than insisting that transgender is a biological condition that cannot be altered. Reading the evidence out there it seems clear that we don’t know and that the co-occurrence of gender dysphoria with a non-hetero sexual orientation makes it extra hard to identify what is genetic or biological and what is a mental health issue. So it doesn’t seem unreasonable to me that when someone is digging in on this argument to the point of disrespecting you and your child and your choices with a deliberate word choice that I can only see as rudeness, that you would conclude that further discussion is unlikely to be productive. I read your post and felt wholly unqualified to judge your choice, just as I hope you would be deferential to my assessment of my own beloved child’s needs at this time. My child, who has socially transitioned to a male identity over the past year, has a host of other mental health diagnoses, was pretty miserable and not at all gender non-conforming before identifying as trans, and has remained miserable after a full social transition without any apparent relief of his self-loathing or depression. As a result, I remain skeptical that the gender dysphoria is his primary issue and firm at present that it would be premature for me to consent to make irreversible physical changes until he is more mature and independent and able to comprehend the consequences. BUT if I believed that the gender dysphoria was his primary issue and that transitioning would go far to alleviating that suffering and he seemed competent to appreciate the consequences, including sterility, then I can imagine a scenario in which I might give consent to try HRT. So I hope you can see that our community here represents a spectrum of opinion. Unfortunately, that spectrum does not really appear to have a home in the wider world, and folks like me who want to wait and see until adulthood are seen as in denial and abusive by those who are just as certain that there is only one way to view a child with gender dysphoria as Leo is certain that gender and sex are inseparable.
The choices parents are making are all difficult. I do want to point out that some studies show that people who socially transition without medically transitioning have a hard time reidentifying with their natal sex even if they want to. It is difficult, without moving, changing schools, etc. to go back to your old name/sex identification/clothing etc.
Thank you so much for this article. I am saddened by Linda’s experience but even more troubled by what has become the norm in addressing gender dysphoria—totalitarianism. Totalitarianism in the medical and psychological fields, support groups, and in journalism.
Thank you for demonstrating what happens if one questions the status quo.
I do feel badly for those parents at the group Linda encountered. They must believe they are doing the right thing. They have been given no other options from the providers. I can only assume that most were shocked by their child’s transgender proclamation and were thinking, what? How can this be? Yet, they were told that yes, erasure of history is the norm. This is your new norm—and there is only one way to deal with it.
What a great resource you have given professionals in the field and parents: Rapid-Onset Gender Dysphoria. How to recognize it, a guide to understanding where it comes from, and most importantly, one does not have destroy a healthy body with cross-sex hormones and surgery. The tumultuous years will pass, and this too shall pass.
I do hope that parents that have gone down this road with their children realize that another way is possible. I wish these parents and young people well—no matter their ultimate destination.
It is possible to come back.
missingdaughter, I, too, am troubled by the totalitarianism that seems to have swept through our society in recent years. And I worry about the backlash that will inevitably ensue when people have finally had enough of it.
I marvel at Linda’s courage. We need a lot more Linda’s to stand up and speak out. And like her, we need to remember to take a calm, reasoned approach while still standing our ground, even in the face of hysterics.
I am sure that the other parents in this group are deeply conflicted, even while they outwardly cheer their children on. They deserve our compassion and respect.
Thank you for writing about your experience. I am appalled this happened to you. I also believe that the affirming parents believe they are doing what is best for their children, based on recommendations they receive from “professionals.” It has been almost 2 years since my (now 18 yr old) daughter came out as trans. What people rarely write about is the trauma and incredible sense of grief and loss experienced by a parent when their child comes out as trans. There is most definitely a need for parent support groups. After my daughter came out, I searched online for answers. I was shocked at how many happy, what I call glittery, stories there were. I started to really wonder if somehow the internet was being vetted due to the lack of any critical discussion about this. It took me nearly 3 months to find 4thWaveNow. I was incredibly grateful to get here and regain some equilibrium. But before I found this website, I searched up a support group for parents. I found 1 such group in my area. Unlike you, I was not armed with ANY information (i.e., “rogd,” etc.). I truly thought this would be a group of parents supporting each other as they questioned what was happening to their kids. I was tolerated at best. I think I was allowed to speak my concerns and grief. However, somehow I got the impression that would be the only chance. Then I had to get on board. The parents there were all affirming, some were there longer than others. None of them were overjoyed. Most seemed troubled inside, numb, shocked, traumatized, yet affirming. The leader was a mom of teen FTM. She at least understood my pain, but was quick to let me know how it would be from here on out. “If he hasn’t asked you for a binder, he will soon.” Then explained what a binder is. At the end of the meeting she gave me a business card to a surgeon who does top surgery. She stated that I would not need this immediately, but I would need to act on this soon. The sooner the better. I never went back. I still receive their emails. I got one a while ago announcing the big reveal…her FTM daughter’s top surgery celebration. Cake and refreshments! Their FTM daughter is not yet 20 years old. The way you were treated was absolutely atrocious. All the drama! From my pov, they are far more a danger to you and your child than you could ever possibly be to them. It took me a good 2-3 weeks to realize the cultish groupthink that was happening. I pray every day that more good information will be disseminated to parents new to this game so their children can be spared. I trust that there is more good information now than there was 2 years ago for any distraught parent doing an internet search. Sigh.
This is what I’ve seen in online support groups also. The 1st line is always about getting information to new parents of trans identifying children. One would think the information was about various options and pros and cons. Instead, it’s about which clinic to get to asap for blockers, where to go for support, which gender therapists will work the fastest for transitioning, where to find good binders, etc, etc.
It’s never about questioning the new parents. Questions like, “How old is your child?”, “How long have they been identifying as trans?”, “Is somethings triggering this identity and what might that be?”
None of these “supportive” parents are professionals, able to diagnose children, and yet, they are quick and ready to affirm any child that presents as trans. I’m not sure what to call this phenomenon.
That is so appalling.
I have talked about this repeatedly. All of my three daughters have mental health/neurological issues. I have had to phone vet therapists for all of them — I talk a little about each girl’s behaviors and past history and have a brief discussion with the therapist. With my other two daughters, who, BTW, have very common and treatable conditions, not a single therapist diagnosed them on my brief description and laid out a treatment plan in an initial phone call. It was always, “It could be several things. I would definitely like to meet with her and with you and see if we’re a fit and talk about various options and possibilities.” Something like that.
When I would talk about my trans-identifying daughter? Before I could finish my little description, “So, your son needs to see a gender therapist and because of where we are, you have several clinics to choose from.” From my experience and vantage point, this seems completely unethical. Run away from any provider who would diagnose a stranger on a first phone call and who already has a defined plan of treatment.
“What people rarely write about is the trauma and incredible sense of grief and loss experienced by a parent when their child comes out as trans”
Exactly.
Over and over again, I hear stories that sound like they have come straight out of an Orwellian nightmare:
Parents desperately pleading with therapists that their child is not transgender, but instead is in dire need of mental health help. Only to be met with pitying looks, meaningless platitudes, and the suggestion that THEY are the cause of their child’s problems, that THEY are having trouble accepting their child “for who they are” and THEY would benefit from counseling to help them “grieve the loss of their son/daughter.”
They ARE grieving the loss of their child.
Lost to a cult that turns them against their parents and convinces them they must distort and disfigure their bodies into an incoherent jumble of male and female parts in order to become their true “authentic selves” — and then counsels them to react with righteous indignation when someone “misgenders” them.
These parents ARE grieving the loss of their child. But not in the way the therapists may think.
Thank you for acknowledging the grief that parents experience. It is constant and ever present. I’ve been able to compartmentalize it fairly well, but it is always there. I can’t look at photos from when she was growing up without the sadness sweeping over me again. She would like her father and I to forget that she was a happy well adjusted girl growing up. We can’t, and we won’t. Those are our memories and they belong to us. we miss her terribly.
this is so true. My 14 year old daughter did a complete 180 just after her birthday this year and is convinced she should be a boy. Never has she demonstrated any desire for this prior. It seems to be a thing in her peer group and one particular girl Funny thing is we had no issues letting her hang around with this girl late last year as my husband grew up with her mother and uncle and they are friends of the family. Now we have two devastated families who are wondering what in the world happened. Both girls are in counseling. My daughter has been diagnosed with anxiety and starts seeing a psychologist this month too. At least she has learned through this that until she is in her early to mid 20s she has no idea who she will be and is still maturing. That’s the only positive thing so far. It is completely destroying me, and her relationship with her brother and father. I am happy to hear about the support groups you are working towards.
It’s quite interesting how the similarities are easily drawn between trans and gay, in a way. People always say that it does not make sense that LGB and T are lumped together -and I agree with that- and yet, I am often surprised by how easy it can be to find parallels between them (and transactivists exploit that a lot).
I am saying this because I have seen the mention of parental grief on forums and websites about homosexuality: the idea being that a parent of a gay kid has to grieve the loss of the idea they had of their child, of the future that they imagined for them, and of the dream of having grandchildren. And also that this grief may be caused by fear for the child, as this is a homophobic world; so the parent thinks “I don’t have a problem with homosexuals, but that is not what I want for MY child, because I don’t want them to deal with homophobia”.
And I have seen trans websites before mentioning the same phenomenon about parents of trans kids: parents have to mourn the idea they had of their child, who they thought to be a girl and really is a boy (or vice-versa), they have to mourn the dream of grandchildren because transition sterilizes, and their feeling of grief may be partially motivated by fear for their child, as we live in a transphobic world.
In both cases, there is the idea that the parent just needs to get past what society has told them is “the normal path” and accept their child for who they really are. Obviously, it is quite ironic and hypocritical considering that “trans kids” are in fact (likely) pre-gay children. They can even draw the parallels between gay and trans with regards to the health concerns: parents of gays are worried that their son might catch HIV, parents of trans are worried about the negative side effects of transition (false comparison, obviously, since AIDS is avoidable; can’t really say the same about the side effects of transition, as they are not even well-known yet).
But in all honesty, I am quite surprised that this grief feeling is not more talked about and exploited by transactivists in order to draw a parallel between gay and trans: I am pretty sure many gay children (including adult ones) know how uncomfortable and humiliating it is to realize that their parents feel that way, and could be lured into supporting trans kids out of sympathy for them, because they relate to the feeling.
These people sound like the “trans-friendly” equivalent of the infamous “She’s not a Christian!” lady from “Wife Swap,” who flipped out and started screaming that “dark-sided people” had to get out of her house:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxvC2BE2Hio
Interesting that a group old enough to have kids the age of their children had absorbed so much of the “safe space” rhetoric of their children’s age group.
Edit: Apparently it was “Trading Spouses.”
I saw that episode – it was at once terrifying and almost hilarious. That woman had issues – wow! What a PERFECT analogy!
I’ve been attending this support group now and then for the past 2-3 years. Nothing has really changed in the group think. There are still no parents who question anything, or maybe they’re afraid to speak up for fear of the repercussions. The first time I attended I experienced an initial shock when a parent told me that her daughter was currently on Lupron and going through a kind of menopause – hot flashes, bone density checks, mood swings, memory loss, etc. This parent was kind of taking it in stride. What???
After that, I attended to see what was brewing and hoping to find parents who questioned this even slightly. It never happened. I feel that even if I’m the only one questioning, it will give at least some parents pause and maybe get them to think about whether they are going down the right path. It’s never too late to change course, especially when the risks are so high.
We are very lucky to have places to go on the Internet like this one. 4thwavenow is really a sanity saver for many, many parents.
When my daughter first came out as trans I found an online parent support group that was administered by a psychologist. It was affirm only. I did not know much about the whole scene at the time and innocently asked whether this was good for the children and young people and whether it made them happier and what happened to the families. I got advice from other parents about not taking refuge for myself in drugs and alcohol as many of them had and maybe taking yoga classes. The only example I was given of a good outcome was a parent who reported that their teen did not want to do things with the family (not at all abnormal for any teen, btw) and after being allowed to transition went to the mall with the Mom last week. I started asking questions and was told I would be thrown out. When a few of the other parents stated they wanted to see stuff from researchers who had alternative points of view, the group was simply ended by the administrator.
i LOVE you. THANK you. What you did was so brave and necessary! I have fantasized about daring to do such a thing in the online groups I’m in. The website you created is also amazing and necessary. Thank you for Naming this so well and Defining it. My daughter is intellectually and artistically gifted, sensitive, hurt, and now struggling with ROGD in that order. Also, I am not a biggot (I have to remind myself of that regularly)!
I totally understand!
In my personal life, our home has been a safe refuge for many young people, many gay and lesbian young people. I’ve spent many years being the support person for vulnerable children.
Since my own child came out as trans, and I started questioning, it seems that no matter what I’ve believed or how I’ve behaved, or how I’ve treated others, I’m now a transphobic bigot for questioning transitioning children.
It’s fascinating to me, to watch people around me close ranks against any questioning.
What helps me is to hold my own child in my heart, and every child like mine, and proceed from that base point. It will take moms like us to change the tide of childhood transitioning.
My husband and I are considered transphobic because we have questions also. Our home was always open to many of our children’s friends. Some were gay, some had difficulties at home, but all were welcome. But now, we are looked upon with disdain. It breaks my heart daily. Our daughter started to transition when she went away to college. She (our youngest of 2 girls) is in her mid twenties now, and just lives a few minutes away. We never see her. She won’t come over because we have photos on the wall that include her that she doesn’t want to see any more. She wants us to pretend that she as our daughter never existed. Her sister has been able to do that, but we simply cannot, nor want to. I wish that tide you speak of would start rolling like a tsunami.
Thank you for sharing, Linda. It’s so nice to see Canadians featured on 4thWaveNow! If any of you are in Toronto, and if you are looking for a safe place to discuss transgender issues from a critical perspective, you are welcome to contact Radical Feminists Unite. We are a group of friendly, left-wing, feminist women with a solid understanding of the transgender phenomenon who get together regularly for group discussions. There aren’t many parents in the group yet but parents are welcome to join. In addition, if there is ever anything we can do to help you, we’d be happy to (such as letter-writing, giving presentations, etc.)
Best wishes to you and your families!
radicalfeministsunite@gmail.com
Sorry to say that I am not in Toronto. Thank you for offering us to join your group and helping us with letter writing and presentations. I will keep you in mind if I’m ever in your area.
Linda,
I just read this post after a teacher sent it to me – I am in Ottawa and have had an experience with CHEO and would love to talk to you. I am so sorry for what you went through at FSO (we did family counselling there years ago – I remember wondering why they had a security guard). I just signed up as Medusa on the support group link.
Brace soul, thank you for sharing.
RollerCoasterRIde, I checked the forum and didn’t see you there. Have you registered? I’ll keep checking the forum, though. There are a number of us in Ottawa now after this post came out.
I never joined any real life support groups but I’ve been involved in several online ones. The ones specifically for parents seem to all be this way. If you question, in any way, the affirmation narrative, the other parents get extremely defensive.
It’s understandable, as there is zero room for regret. You cannot undo these things to children. For someone to come in and suggest that maybe there’s another approach, would mean deep regret over something that cannot be changed. I feel terrible for all those families, especially the children. They are children, unable to consent to any of this. This is done TO them by people they trust to make these decisions for them.
I never know any of this was happening until my own child came out as trans. I assumed that there was caution and that parents were questioning and trying to find ways around permanent solutions. It’s been a giant and sudden awakening to the reality of what is happening. I don’t like it. I don’t like how it pits parents against children and good intentioned people against trans people.
I think you really could have gone about this in a better way. Your speech was exactly the kind of phrasing that would get this knee jerk rejection that you experienced. Why not go in proposing doubts like how potentially damaging hormone treatment is, and that you think your daughter is using this as a coping mechanism for other issues? Of course they rejected you. You were an anti right out of the gate. That’s not how you approach people who faulty beliefs, or cult members. You express doubt and critical thinking. They have to come to a conclusion on their own. They’re never going to listen to antis.
Interesting comment – because your approach was exactly the same.
These people at the support groups are invested. One of the leaders of the group is transgender. These parents are supporting medication and surgery for their beloved children. There is no room in these people’s minds for critical thinking because that would invalidate their own existence as transgender or their child’s existence as transgender.
Sometimes you need to make an emotional impression to make a point. Maybe after the event, there’s some little voices in the backs of these people’s heads to at least question that their choices aren’t right for everybody else. At least that would be a baby step in the right direction.
We need to put the Q back in LGBTQ!! Allow questions!!
If a person is so secure in their beliefs, questions wouldn’t faze them.
You are right that the trans community act and think like cult members, but books I have read on cults and trying to get people out of cults do not make me think that anything she could have said would get through. When I was first in an online parent support community, all I did was express some doubts from a very naive point of view. I was told by the administrator to be quiet or thrown out. It seems to me that the cult can only function when no doubt or dissent of any kind is permitted to be expressed.
Support groups are supposed to be there to help people going through something difficult, even if they have a controversial opinion or are abrasive or whatever. That’s the point of virtually any other support group. This support group is totally unprepared to deal with anything except medical transition, so it does a poor job of supporting parents. People say some outrageous things in 12 step groups but no one calls the cops, that’s crazy.
We were only at the point in the meeting where we were all introducing ourselves. In a perfect world, maybe I could have gone about this in a different way, but I was just thinking about introducing myself and where my daughter was at. Further on in the meeting I would have brought up doubts, but the meeting ended with my introduction. Apparently, they continued the meeting in a different room after everyone left, but I wasn’t part of it.
Someone should have been able to say why you were wrong. I know some of these parents have been duped, but others are selfishly getting their own psychological needs met through their children. Those kind of people cannot abide disagreement, pretend it us violence, etc.
Kudos to you, Linda. I love that you stuck it out and they had to go home to get away from your scary questions. You are awesome.
My only confession is that I cannot be as kind as you, in imputing good intentions to adults who act like this.
Yes, of course we all understand that they are scared. So are we. Yes, we understand that they love their children. So do we. Welcome to parenthood, folks. Love and fear are the game pieces everyone starts with, not the Boardwalk and Park Avenue that make you a winner. Love and fear just mean you opened the box; from there the game gets more complicated, and there are no get out of jail free cards.
When you let love and fear trump responsibility, you’re trying to get out of jail free. That’s why the people in your group caved so easily to something so rash and so dubious that it can’t withstand simple questioning. Linda, you are not their problem; their problems with complexity, and perhaps reality, began long before you stepped into that room. They were presented with a childhood crisis, and instead of stepping up they made a snap judgment in order to avoid confrontation and to get politically correct brownie points. That’s not parenting; that’s self indulgence.
Grow up, parents! It’s not your kids’ job to feed your infantile need to feel superior and righteous. It’s their job to confuse the hell out of you and make you question everything you ever knew, and come up with something completely out of left field just when you thought you were safe, and find some batsh*t predatory industry that’s selling the latest invisible cloth in a way you never imagined, and draw them into the fold like hounds after a bleeding fox, and then leave you feeling like you were hit by a truck afterwards. Only a kind of cute truck that you love, and that loves you back.
As parents, it’s our job to deal, and ask, and argue, and challenge, and take the eye rolls and the dirty looks and the self doubt and the messiness and the crap from other meddling adults whose business it isn’t, and always, always be keeping them from rash decisions no matter how mad it makes them or how icky it makes us feel. A kid is not a trophy on a shelf. He or she is a vulnerable mortal engaged in a never-ending quest to find meaning and self love against unpredictable impediments and tragedies.
Don’t have the stomach for such complexity? Okay. It happens. Then have the decency to shut the eff up and give the floor over to people like Linda, who DO have the stomach for it. And–here’s the best part–bloody listen to them! Since they’re doing the hard work for you, accept the gift graciously. Don’t swat it away like a toddler.
Someone has to be an adult here. If the other parents aren’t going to do it, and the doctors aren’t going to do it, and the therapists aren’t going to do it, and the pharmaceutical industry isn’t going to do it, then it’s down to you and me.
So, I applaud you. It’s good to be in the company of grownups.
Amazing response. Thank you so much for posting it. Could not agree more. Linda sure demonstrated her mettle.
Thank you samsa PDX
Taking this path as a parent is very difficult because I know that she could hate me for this if she stays in this way of thinking, but I don’t see any other way to support her if not keeping her away from something that can harm her permanently.
In the running for best comment of 2017; perhaps even the hands-down winner. Thank you for posting it.
These parents are absolutely psychotic. They’re like the Manson women who helped cut the baby out of Sharon Tate’s womb: they find perverse joy in destroying others and themselves.
And in Canada, no less. Deeply shameful. They want the whole world to affirm them because a single word could kill them, and yet shriek and go on the offensive when one parent dares to defy them.
I don’t think murderer comparisons are good here or fair. They want the best for their kids. I think it is so traumatizing for them to be confronted with the fact that medically altering their young person could be a mistake that they lash out.
Many of the experiences described here describe our situation with our daughter. She was not even gender-atypical or gender non-conforming. She became obsessed with certain Internet sites and became hostile to us. She dramatically altered her appearance and began to hang out with a group at her school who called themselves genderqueer.
I had never heard of a binder. What? Yet, I discovered she was wearing one. She was a lovely girl intent on self-destruction. I couldn’t understand what had happened to her. Prior to the gender hostility, she had been cutting. Yes, she was seeing a counselor. We don’t think the counselor asked any pertinent questions.
Her school counselor suggested a local gender support group. We attended one meeting and it was very similar to what you describe. There were no other options except immediate affirmation of this new identity.
I knew my daughter, and this was simply not her.
We made a tough choice—we moved the entire family out of our school district and now live in a more rural area. We have very limited internet access at home. A pain, but it is worth hanging on to our daughter to put up with the inconvenience.
She is doing much better. The gender-transgender topics rarely come up anymore. She has accumulated quite the menagerie of pets, chickens, and even a goat. Fingers crossed. She will turn sixteen in a few months.
Thank you 4thWaveNow for this amazing resource.
Good move, Kimberly! I hope you can keep her out for good!
I’m shocked and horrified by this account, even knowing how so many people wrapped up in Trans, Inc., behave. These parents and the group leader behaved more like teenagers on Tumblr than mature adults who are supposed to know life isn’t about constantly being unquestioningly affirmed and given a safe space.
Once again, I’m struck by how quickly people forget their history, even history they themselves have lived through. This wasn’t happening even 5-10 years ago, and yet now people caught up in this madness are behaving like it’s always been super-common for teens to announce they’re trans out of the blue, and for such an announcement to be immediately believed and catered to. Anyone who dares question the groupthink is treated like a criminal and bigot.
I can’t believe a grown adult would react to an alternate viewpoint by crying and declaring she doesn’t feel safe.
It is the norm for trans-identified twentysomething women to react to an alternate viewpoint by crying and declaring they don’t feel safe. And that’s the nicer ones. The worse ones make death threats.
I suppose it is not that surprising that their mothers act exactly the same, considering that they have been infected with the same brand of insanity and are very emotionally invested in clinging to it.
Linda, this kind of thing you describe burns me up. The support group model has been extremely important in helping people with mental illness and their families, but it sounds like on this issue it is breaking down. I have to go back to the social workers and other mental health people who are feeding this affirm-or-die outlook. I wonder if the people who turned on you were read the riot act themselves, told to submit or have their children suicide.
Basically, the face to face support groups for this issue are all about cheerleading their kids into transition. I have been advocating for a group within the Family Services Ottawa since I started attending and no one has taken me up on it. They claimed that this one would welcome me, but obviously they need to change something. I hope they will realize, by reading all of the comments here, that there really is a need for a different type of group.
One thing I have to say in defense of the parents who behaved in this crazy way, is that I have heard that the stress of having a child or spouse transitioning is extreme. The family is never affirming enough to make the transitioning one safe, so they are always on eggshells waiting for a blowup. Also parents wonder if the hormones are adding to the instability (do even the doctors know?), and of course those Internet groups feed the idea that uncomfortable feelings are always caused by people not being validating of gender enough. I don’t know what it would be like to live in that unstable environment where you, as the nontransitioning family member, are always the problem causing constant emotional upset. It must make you really crazy.
That really should be a clue that it’s not a good thing. A kid wielding that much power over the rest of the family is damaging to everyone. It is too much responsibility for kids, too exhausting for adults. I know that there is suffering, but they are the parents, no one else can reasonably be in charge. Feeling good about yourself always takes a backseat to what is healthy and safe. I’m not saying this as a person with no experience, i had a sibling with psych problems and instead of total self sacrifice, my mom really should have dropped my sibling off at the psych ward. I love my mom and understand how bad the situation was for her, but the rest of the family really suffered because she was driving herself crazy and had nothing left for anyone else. When everyone feels terrible most of the time, the adults need to change something. I can empathize while knowing that it was a poor way to deal with a tough situation. In our case it made my sibling very self centered, and made me selfless in my early romantic relationships. It didn’t work well for me. Everything we do as parents is an example. Remembering that can help people keep things in perspective.
Hi Linda
I’m so sorry you went through this. I’m a 21 yr old woman who grew up in Ottawa so I understand what the general environment is like for people such as us these days. I previously identified as trans although that was mostly in my teen years. If you ever want to talk or let me know and we can find a way to make contact. I think it would be great to find a supper group for parents of ROGD children and for formerly ROGD children alike. I think we could provide a lot of clarity to each other.
I hope the situation with your daughter improves!
Susan Gilleland,
How dare you come to some one else’s space and demand that they lie to you and for you?
I cannot speak for others but I will not submit to the demands of an authoritarian cult.
Is anyone else old enough to remember the theory of the “refrigerator mom” causing autism?
It was an outrage against parents and human decency but it made it possible to diagnose and treat without proper research. That is what I see being done to these children and their parents. If they do not want to be scapegoated the parents will submit to the dictates of those who are profiting from children’s misery.
Bruno Bettelheim!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruno_Bettelheim
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Standing up again – exhibiting a pattern of continued attempts at civil discourse – in the face of relentless unreasonable objections…this is a service parents provide, primarily to their children, that benefits all humanity.
Parents coincidentally protect themselves, and the interests of all people, especially those temporarily “threatened” by reason, when they promote common sense and civil discourse.
This is rarely done with anything resembling flawless precision, and to do it calmly takes lots of practice and long familiarity with the requisite efforts.
Thank you, you’re doing a great job of it. We’re all inspired by your audacity and humility whether we know it or not.
Power to Linda, and to others rethinking and pushing back! I’m reading from Vancouver, a cesspool of groupthink and social engineering.
If someone is somehow truly, genuinely ‘trans’, then fine that as an adult they make decisions for themselves; and I hope those decisions function for them down the road. But legislating or insidiously promoting (social engineering) this garbage to underage children is evil. The so-called ‘lessons’ (nonbinary, anti-science unicorn trash) being delivered in preschool, and in public (!) Kindergarten and elementary school make my skin crawl.
Good luck to you and to others pushing back. [Disclosure: I’m a parent; I haven’t faced these particular issues with my kids, but I’m interested because these issues affect us all one way or another, as Bill C-16 demonstrates.]
It’s dangerous to tell kids they can transition. I was a tomboy as a kid, and if people had told me I needed to transition because I clearly wanted to be a boy by the way I dressed and things I did, then it would have ruined my life. Because I’m a girl, just a tomboy girl, that’s all. Also there’s a chance that girls that act more boyish, could be gay, but still want to be a girl. It’s a terrible thing to make a conclusion for someone else. They need to find their own way, don’t push propaganda down their throat; they’re too impressionable.
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That’s beyond insane. It’s why the Trans are nothing but a dangerous cult and the transcult needs to be exposed for who they are
Well done for speaking out, I too am the parent of a Rapid onset gender euphoria child and I agree with tour sentiments wholeheartedly. As parents we are being silenced by the gender affirming community. Politicians will continue to embrace this madness as it’s a vote winner, and the medical profession are frightened of being labelled transphobic and continue to affirm rather then question their clients.
I urge everyone to consider that this is only a single perspective of an incident, dramatized by a parent resistant to embracing and supporting something they would rather blame on the internet than try to properly understand.
M – I’m all ears. Please give me all of the objective scientific evidence that a parent should embrace and support this idealogy, so that I can “properly understand”. I’m open to discuss this in a rational, non-subjective manner.
Just out of curiosity, how do you know this mom’s motivations and thoughts? How do you know her resistance to transgender ideology as applied to her own daughter is driven only by her wish to “blame” things on the internet, rather than on careful research and consideration of all of the evidence? Or is there only one way to “properly understand” a complicated issue like transgenderism, and we should just all shut our ears and eyes so nothing interferes with “proper understanding”?
I invite you to read on this website, perhaps something here will contribute to your own understanding of the issue. Especially since I know that you value open-mindedness.
Hey M, Though this one parent reported one incident, these sorts of incidents play out every day in many different contexts. Transgender advocates routinely react to questions and/or invitations for rational discussion and calls for research with incoherent and violent reactions. Death threats, rape threats, reports to the police are all common transadvocate reactions to any and all challenges. When detransistioners are set to present at a conference, they are cancelled at the last moment. When a clinician suddenly found that many patients were regretting their transitions and got a grant to study and try to understand the situation, the grant was cancelled. Almost all the “evidence” and public claims of transactivists are demonstrably false or lacking any good evidence. For instance, the constant claim that no transgender person has ever committed a crime against an actual female in a bathroom is false, as there are many such examples. The claim that Lupron is completely safe is false as there are many hundreds of reports of adverse responses, the claim that children who are not medically transitioned ASAP will commit suicide is false, as the suicide claims are grossly inflated and the number of suicides actually is shown to go up after transition in many studies–showing that medical transition seems to be causing more suicides than it prevents. I was in one of these support groups and found that any question was met with a threat to throw me out and studies I cited were dismissed without any discussion of their supposed flaws. When other parents expressed curiosity and wanted to ask questions challenging the transition or die narrative, the moderator simply ended the group. This is dishonesty, this is cowardice, this is typical.
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I know this is happening but never fail to be utterly gobsmacked by the extent of parental collusion in misleading children and young adults onto this pathway toward the horrendous, irreversible logical conclusions, social consequences and surgical outcomes of permanent gender transition.
i cannot comprehend how anyone could endure watching a loved-one do this to themselves without question or distress, let alone their own child. The cheer-leading and ‘celebration’ is just bizarre – especially when you see transition-enthusiastic parents ‘privately’ grieving the daughters they lost. The dissonance is so profound, it’s no wonder they get so upset when their denial is dented and they find themselves confronted with the reality of whats happening/happened to their children. It must be particularly difficult if they went out of their way to have their childs body pharmaceutically experimented on or surgically mutilated somehow believing it was medically necessary, and now face a lifetime patrolling the corridors of gender and policing their own and everyone elses language and actions, not even able to acknowledge or address siblings doubts and questions or their own loss, grief, identity or even just the plain truth, for fear they could be the ‘transphobic bigot’ they accuse everyone else of being.
i reckon it all starts with language. Once you agree to change a childs pronouns and seek to enforce other peoples use of language on their behalf, you are in for a world of confusion and pain. Agreeing to pretend, for life, that you believe the child you gave birth to and carefully named is someone else entirely and requiring everyone else to do the same even though they may not inhabit the same dystopia or have faith in the same gender dogma, just to avoid confusing the child further, doesnt seem like a kindness to anyone, least of all the child or young adult themselves. At this point the entrance to the rabbit hole should be clearly marked as the most direct route to insanity.
My heart goes out to this brave, heroic mother. I thank her for addressing this with love, reason and compassion and like to think that one day, her daughter will too. i hope they find the support they need.
Hi Linda, is there any way to contact you? I would like some advice on navigating the gender medicine maze in Ottawa.
Paranoid Parent, you can ask the moderator to give me your email and I’ll get in touch.
Linda, could I also contact you? I’m in the Ottawa area desperately looking for the right support group.
Hello Linda,
Could I contact you too? I am in Montreal area and I couldn’t find any support group of parents who have questions and do not agree with affirmative therapy.
I have read a lot. My wife read a lot. We can now see the ridiculousness of this transgender madness rising.
Hi Ivo,
You can contact me. Ask the moderator of this site and you will get the info.
Linda
I will!
Thank you Linda.
I came across this page looking for answers. My beautiful daughter thinks she’s a man now and I found a bunch of needles in her drawer that freaked me out!!! I confronted her and she ended up not coming back home, instead she texted me and told me she was no longer my daughter because she transitioning into a man now like wtf does that mean??!!!! Please help!!!!
Maurie Diep:
For one if she is under 18, you can have the cops look for her, under the heading of her being a ‘runaway’. Second,whoever gave her the needles and the T with it, find out who they are and then press charges, for ‘corrupting a minor’. Third….if you are in the US and one of the states where the brigade does not have a strong foothold, admit her to a hospital. The coding on their end could be akin to an ‘overdose’, seeing that T …like other steroids can do damage to the mind, etc.
Lastly, if she is a little beyond what would work in a conventional sense, then ask that she be placed in a residential treatment faciltiy [assuming they will also take insurance]. Explain the circumstances…..THEN show the admitting desk ALL of the evidence from this site and others, about how T ruins the young person.
Hope that helps…
I am new to this website, just found it this morning but I desperately need help. I am not finding any groups other then the ones just teaching you to be ok with it and let them take hormones. My daughter just cut her hair off and has several friends that have all of a sudden decided to be trans, so I am extremely worried about her going to doctor and them just handing her hormones that may harm her later. I have not been accepted as a member yet that I can see.
Hi Christie, have you found and joined the Gender Critical Resources parents’ board? It is an online support forum/message board for parents who question the wisdom and appropriateness of affirming our kids as transgender and moving them along to hormones and surgeries, especially when our kids have suddenly come out as trans, never before showing strong opposite-sex inclinations.
Go here to the forum’s public page to join: https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/forumdisplay.php?fid=24 and click on “register” in the black bar toward the top of the page. Once you register, a moderator must manually activate your account, which can take anywhere from an hour to a day. Once activated, you will have access to the members-only pages where you’ll find the support of other parents in your situation.
Best wishes.
I hope that the good people on this board see fit to post this petition, better yet, write a short story.
https://www.ipetitions.com/petition/urgent-request-to-the-us-surgeon-general
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