A few months ago, my teenage daughter stopped trying to “pass” as male. She dropped the self-defined-as-male uniform (emphasis on SELF), the stereotyped swagger and the fake-deepened voice and —moved on. Her fervent desire to be seen and treated as a boy (as opposed to a gender-atypical girl) faded away, just as other formerly unshakable ideas and urges had in the past. And our relationship has never been better.
Although I’ve allowed myself to exhale, just a little, she will remain at risk, because every sector of society—the media, the government, the schools, medicine and psychology–is now saturated with the message that if you’re a “gender nonconforming” girl–one who prefers the clothing, activities, and hairstyle more typical of the opposite sex– you just might actually be a boy.
What did I, and the other adults who love her, do? It hasn’t been easy. In fact, for a time it was a living hell, a purgatory of slammed doors, stony silence, yelling matches, and mostly—waiting.
There was no magic answer. We rode it out. I learned something about keeping my mouth shut. About saying my piece and then leaving it be. About living with uncertainty. We didn’t cater to demands for instant gratification. We paid for and encouraged activities that would get her out into nature and off the Internet. Mostly, we waited.
I drew a clear line in the sand: There would be no money to pay for a gender therapist, testosterone, or a binder. If she wanted to pursue those things at the age of medical majority, that would be her choice—and it would be on her dime. At the same time, I let her know that her clothing and hairstyle choices were hers to make. Further: I purchased the “men’s” clothing (including underwear), paid for the haircuts, supported all the other stuff she wanted to do or wear that is more “male typical.” Not always successfully, I tried to calmly and sparingly convey the message that however she dressed, whatever interests she pursued, she was a female—perhaps an unusual one, but a young woman nevertheless, who might someday become a role model to show other girls just how amazing and truly “gender-expansive” a woman can be.
Like many who read this blog, I phoned gender therapists during the weeks after her announcement that she was trans. Without even meeting my child in the flesh, all four of these therapists talked to me like this trans thing was a done deal. I wrote about one of those conversations here. One very friendly therapist, an FTM whose website stressed commitment to “informed consent,” assured me that there was no need for my daughter to first experience a sexual or romantic relationship before deciding whether she was trans. “Most of the young people just skip that step now,” the therapist said.
Skip that step? I thought back to my own adolescence. I didn’t even begin to have a clear idea of who I was, as a sexual being, until after I’d had more than one relationship. It took years for me to come to know my body’s nuances and intricacies, its capacity for pleasure, how I might feel in relation to another. [Update: for lesbian youth in particular, this process can be a long one, on average not complete until one’s early 20s]
This same therapist signed my kid up for a “trans teen” support group scheduled for the following week—again, without ever having met her. “There’s nothing you or I can do about your daughter being trans,” said another therapist… on the phone, without having met my kid. Yet another therapist refused to talk to me at all; insisted she’d have to have a private appointment with my kid first.
Contrary to the myth promulgated by the transition promoters, at least in the United States, there is no slow and careful assessment of these kids who profess to be trans. The trend is to kick out the gatekeepers, and move towards a simple model of “informed consent”: If you say you’re trans, you are–no matter how young and no matter when you “realized” you were trans.
All these therapists seemed well meaning enough. They believed they were doing the correct thing. But with each conversation, I felt more and more uneasy. My gut feeling that something wasn’t right led me to research, to question…to put the brakes on. And the more I read, and thought, and understood, the more determined I became to find an alternative. I started this blog out of sheer desperation. I needed to find someone, anyone, who understood what I was going through. I needed other parents to talk to—badly.
My kid never did go to a gender therapist. Never did sit in a room full of “trans teens.” If she had, I feel certain she’d be sporting a beard right now.
When I first started blogging, I got a lot of hate mail. In every anonymous drive-by comment, the hater referred to my “son” who would grow up to hate my guts. “He” would surely commit suicide, and more than one of them wished me a lifetime of misery when that inevitably happened. Even the mildest posts resulted in hostile reblogs from strangers who had not the slightest idea of my family’s situation.
At first, these anonymous barbs stung, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that I could rely on my inner parental compass. Because, see, I know my daughter. I knew, when she suddenly began spouting the gender-policed jargon planted in her head by Tumblr trans activists, that this wasn’t who she really was. This was a girl who, all through childhood, was never “gender conforming” but who was secure in herself because I’d made sure she knew, via my words and my example, that girls could be and do anything.
Most of all, I knew she needed me—not to blindly “support” and give in to her every demand, but to simply BE THERE, even as a limit; a steady place she could push and rail against. It was scary, and painful, being on the receiving end of teen outrage. Because a teenager does have the right to make some of their own decisions. Later adolescence is a time of individuation, dawning adulthood. Haranguing or lecturing not only gets you nowhere, it isn’t fair. Negotiation is probably the most important parenting skill when it comes to high-school-aged youth. And no parent gets it right all the time. (Paradoxically, part of being a halfway decent parent is knowing how imperfect you are at the job.) But one thing became more and more clear to me: my child did not need a parent who would collaborate in sending her down a road to being a permanent medical patient. In fact, she needed protection from the very same people who were sending me hate mail on Tumblr.
Not so long ago, child and adolescent psychologists—people who actually study the development of young human beings—were frequently cited and quoted. These experts, as well as every other rational adult, were well aware that kids shift identities: try this one on, shed it like a snake skin, try on another. Younger kids go through a long and wonderful period of make believe and magical thinking. They are actually convinced they ARE the identity they try on. And adolescents are renowned for trying on hairstyles, belief systems, clothing styles—only to discard them after a few weeks, months, or maybe even years.
In contrast to today’s social-media-fueled paradigm, when a kid’s announcement that they are the opposite sex is taken at face value by seemingly everyone around them, it was previously understood that adults were largely responsible for the inculcation of gender stereotypes into children’s minds. Children aren’t born hating their sexed bodies. They only grow to reject themselves when someone they look up to promotes the idea that their likes and dislikes in clothing, toys, activities, or other pursuits are seen as incongruent with their natal sex.
A child’s burgeoning sense of self, or self-concept, is a result of the multitude of ideas, attitudes, behaviors, and beliefs that he or she is exposed to. The information that surrounds the child and which the child internalizes comes to the child within the family arena through parent-child interactions, role modeling, reinforcement for desired behaviors, and parental approval or disapproval (Santrock, 1994). As children move into the larger world of friends and school, many of their ideas and beliefs are reinforced by those around them. A further reinforcement of acceptable and appropriate behavior is shown to children through the media, in particular, television. Through all these socialization agents, children learn gender stereotyped behavior. As children develop, these gender stereotypes become firmly entrenched beliefs and thus, are a part of the child’s self-concept.
… Often, parents give subtle messages regarding gender and what is acceptable for each gender – messages that are internalized by the developing child (Arliss, 1991). Sex role stereotypes are well established in early childhood. Messages about what is appropriate based on gender are so strong that even when children are exposed to different attitudes and experiences, they will revert to stereotyped choices (Haslett, Geis, & Carter, 1992).
We have people like this: the mother of a six-year-old girl who has “transitioned” to male, writing storybooks to indoctrinate kindergartners. To suggest to them that they, too, might really be the opposite sex:
“Can the doctor have made a mistake? Was I supposed to have been born a boy? Am I the only kid in the world like this?”
Deep down, Jo Hirst had been anticipating these questions. And she knew she had to get the answers right.
It was bedtime, and her six-year-old was curled up on her lap. Assigned female at birth, from 18 months of age Hirst’s son* had never wanted to wear female clothing and always played with boys.
I challenge anyone to find me a single account of a “transgender child” which does NOT resort to talking about toys, hairstyle, clothing, or play stereotypes to justify the diagnosis of “trans” in a young child.
Our kids are being cheated of the opportunity, the breathing space, to simply explore who they are without a gaggle of adults jumping in to interfere with the process by “validating” their frequently transient identities. Kids are being encouraged to freeze their sense of self in a moment in time, during the period of life when everything is in flux. And even though key researchers have said over and over again that most gender dysphoric kids “desist” and grow up to be gay or lesbian; even though the latest research denies any such thing as a “male” or “female” brain, parents are encouraged to socially transition their kids, put them on “puberty blockers,” and refer to them by “preferred pronouns.”
For very young children, this cementing of the child’s identity in a period when they most need the freedom to simply play and explore—to “make believe”—is essentially stunting the child’s development.
Young children go through a stage where it is difficult for them to distinguish reality from fantasy. Among many other things, it’s why we have ratings on films. A young child can’t understand that the monster onscreen is not real.
Research indicates that children begin to learn the difference between fantasy and reality between the ages of 3 and 5 (University of Texas, 2006). However, in various contexts, situations, or individual circumstances, children may still have difficulty discerning the difference between fantasy and reality as old as age 8 or 9, and even through age 11 or 12. For some children this tendency may be stronger than with others.
Just exactly what is motivating doctors and psychologists to jettison decades of research and clinical practice in favor of a completely unsubstantiated and unproven hypothesis of “transgender from birth”? The glib answer is: suicide. But if a gender nonconforming youth expresses the desire to self harm, encouraging that youth to further dissociate from their whole selves (because the body and mind, contrary to the bleating of trans activists, are not separate units, but a whole) is not a responsible way to support mental health. As this commenter said in a recent post on GenderTrender:
Wow. Conservatives aren’t the only ones who suck at science. Brain sex? Seriously? If you’re allegedly born in the wrong body, why doesn’t your brain count as part of the “wrong body”? Your brain is telling the truth but the rest of your body is a liar? Wtf? This shit is as sensible as scientology.
Teens often pick up on cues and assimilate ideas presented in movies/films viewed in the movie theater and other sources, (online sources for watching movies now eclipse movie theater viewings or film DVD rentals for teens), and while teens already understand the difference between fantasy and reality, they may still absorb or become attached to ideas that are powerfully presented in films but that have no basis in reality, the teen not having enough experience or knowledge to sort propaganda from fact, fiction from reality. Films, television programs, music and statements from celebrities can [and do] become a part of the thinking and emotional/psychological makeup of teens and children.
This used to be a “duh” thing. Are teens influenced by what they imbibe, what’s in fashion, what celebrities (like Jazz Jennings and Caitlyn Jenner and Laverne Cox) are doing, what their peers are saying and doing? Might socially isolated teens be even more swayed by what they see on social media, while they sit for hours, alone in their rooms?
“Facebook depression,” defined as emotional disturbance that develops when preteens and teens spend a great deal of time on social media sites, is now a very real malady. Recent studies have shown that comparisons are the main cause of Facebook depression; the study showed that down-comparison (comparing with inferiors) was just as likely to cause depression as up-comparison (comparing with people better than oneself).
…Other risks of extensive social networking among youth are loss of privacy, sharing too much information, and disconnect from reality.
My daughter, like so many others I’ve now heard about, emerged from months of self-imposed social isolation and YouTube/Reddit binges, to announce, out of the blue, that she was transgender. And simply for questioning this, for refusing to hop aboard the train, I’ve been labeled a “child abuser” of my “son”? Until the last few years, parents who recognized that teens go through phases weren’t considered abusive. They were considered well informed.
Not so long ago, parents and helping professionals neither interfered with nor bolstered a particular identity that a kid was trying on. Everyone understood this was an important part of growing up: to allow our young to experiment, to see what worked and what didn’t. It’s called the development of a self. It takes years. It’s not even complete at 21. The self doesn’t emerge, fully formed and immutable at birth. It develops in response to experience, to love, and to adversity.
Given my own daughter’s desistence from the idea that she is or was ever “transgender,” I feel even more strongly that parents are right to resist the push by every sector of society to identify “gender dysphoric” minors as “trans.” Yes, some of these young people may go on to identify as the opposite sex; some will seek medical transition. But what the current atmosphere has done is rob them of the crucial time they need to figure it all out. Medical transition was once a rare, adult-only decision. I’m in favor of a return to that more reasonable approach to the matter.
So you bet I’m going to keep doing what I can to support parents who want to at least delay an adolescent’s decision to permanently alter body and mind with hormones and surgeries. You bet I’m going to try to save my own kid from what amounts to a cult that won’t let you leave if you change your mind, without serious social consequences. You bet I’m going to continue to protect my daughter and others like her from a lifetime of difficulty, from the rapacious medical industry that is profiting from the regressive resurgence and marketing of gender stereotypes.
You can also bet that I’m going to continue shedding light on the frankly insane practice of labeling very young children as transgender, conditioning them as preschoolers to believe their own bodies are somehow wrong and alien, that they must undergo teasing and torment from other children, that they must wear prosthetics to amplify or hide their own genitalia to be accepted as they are. Or just as bad: That the entire world must be browbeaten into redefining biological reality such that “some girls have penises” and “some boys have vaginas.”
And this work is not just about protecting kids. It’s also about supporting family members and friends who are deeply affected by the transgender narrative. Extremist trans activists, the media, the doctors and psychiatrists–none of them talk about the terrible damage done to the family system, to the fabric of close relationships, when a child “transitions.” All the activists have to say is that the skeptical parents and loved ones are “transphobes.” No one talks about the fact that the majority of these dysphoric kids would grow up to be gay or lesbian adults if not interfered with; adults with healthy, intact bodies, not dependent on drugs and carved up by surgeons’ knives.
So we have to keep talking about it. We have to keep the lights on in our corner of the Internet, even if only to document this strange medical and cultural fad for future historians.
Thanks to everyone who is traveling this road with me. While I know we often feel swamped and hopeless, we have each other for strength and courage. And for now, that will have to be enough.
Thank you so much for being such a wonderful parent. You give me hope!
I feel very imperfect…but I can only do what I feel in my heart is right. You and everyone else who has been with me on this online journey have been an incredible help.
Thank you for sharing your story. I have been following your blog for several months and have lived with this (very close to exactly the same story) for over a year now.
Ironically, my child tried to label me a child abuser by calling CPS and having them come out because I wouldn’t use “the right pronouns”. They didn’t agree with her and cleared us of any wrong but I live daily with how she has hurt her family and how much I wish I could help her see what she can’t see. Every potential therapist or psychiatrist has catered to her and those who don’t won’t even see us because “they aren’t experienced with transgender”.
You give me hope that she will one day realize she will not be able to change biology and science. There is a lot more I want to say but will save it for later.
Thank you for this blog and giving hope to the rest of us who struggle with this.
I’m so sorry to hear you are struggling with this. Thank goodness CPS didn’t kowtow. It’s a crazy time we are living through. Please comment here whenever you like and let us know how you’re doing.
Yes, it was quite a shock. Worse, she tried to include her dad – that he was harming her by not interfering in my “abuse”. It was bad. At least the investigator was very nice and never made us feel we were doing something wrong.
I should add that she has many of the same issues as others have said – ADHD, depression, anxiety. And she was cutting about a week after her former psychiatrist asked her out of the blue if she ever tried or thought of cutting…coincidence? I sometimes feel the mental health profession has it out for teen girls – and their families! We stopped seeing her as soon as I could stop the revolving appointments (they never let us out of there without making a new appointment and never let us cancel without making a new date for next appt.). Recently, she was overheard in school mentioning suicide. No threat and no plan – she seems to like the attention, though we are very cautious.
I have a hard time convincing her dad (my husband) that she should not have free use of internet access- her personality changes drastically when she is on the internet. I almost think it’s an addiction in addition to the whole trans narrative she is following. Or maybe it’s all part of the same thing – has anyone else seen this?
My other concern is her younger sister. It is very difficult to have her not be affected by this. They used to be good friends. Now they barely speak most days. But there are still days when everything is calm and good.
She keeps her “girl” things and wears leggings and sweatshirts but also wears a binder and has her hair cut very short. She still has no idea WHO she is…16 going on 5 sometimes.
As I said, my story is probably closely similar to a lot of you. I echo the appreciation for the shared support and I think now I might survive it – one way or another!
Holy shit. I’m sorry your child is being brainwashed online. To me it seems trans is a way that kids try and control the parent, with the threat of suicide etc. It will get better.
Have you seen the video of the young adults at Yale screaming at a professor over an email about Halloween costumes? It seems to me young people are controlling the adults! I hope this nonsense stops soon.
I have seen that. Parenting today seems to be overridden by media and Internet no matter how much we try to limit exposure. Where there is a will, there is a way. The will of teens can be strong, to say the least. I do sense a pushback but it will be a battle.
Wow, called CPS over pronouns? What a slap in the face to every kid who is really being horrifically abused. This fad is crazy.
I agree and said as much at the time. It is just another indicator of the immaturity and lack of forethought as to the result of their actions.
Completely right on! I don’t know anyone who could have said it better, and it is said from experience as well as facts.
Thank you!
Dau ‘came out’ to me as a 15 year old, lonely and isolated at school, after a rough entry to high school and some surreptitious youtube FTM binging. We were shocked, but tried to stay calm and mostly managed it. Worked to say supportive but cautious things. The tears and upsetness were hidden from her, I hope mostly successfully. Took her to a psych for some other, pre-existing mood issues (who was mostly good); stopped seeing that psych a few months later when the psych started pushing trans issues. Checked out the local gender clinic and ran away fast. Meanwhile kept researching, digging, thinking about brain development and adolescent psychology and long-term health risks. Kid was wearing boy clothes, short hair, binder, but never asked for social transition and for sure WE were not gonna suggest it.
Now it is nearly two years later, and her presentation is the same, but she absolutely never brings up the thought that she is trans or any ambition to transition in the future. She doesn’t bring it up, so I don’t, either. She’s made a lot of friends since then, people who accept and love her the way she is but don’t make a big deal about the gender stuff. People who are mostly concentrating on school and on extracurriculars in what I consider to be a healthy way. She’s a much happier person, in general, than when the trans idea first occurred to her. As far as I know the youtube binging on trans material has stopped — kid would apparently rather concentrate on being a gamer. I would say we are … in limbo of a sort. Our relationship is generally good and I’m glad for every month that this continues not to be a big deal. She has yet to have her first romantic relationship and … yeah, we are waiting to see what unfolds.
College is looming and frankly I dread this — every visit includes dorms with big signs advertising their LGBT communities, and if the kid is L I’d be quite happy for her to have support, but most of those communities are so heavily T-oriented right now. All I can do is hope/pray that the kid finds a niche and makes friends and does not end up in a group that will push any ‘nonconforming’ female into transing by default.
I’m really glad to hear your report, 4thwave. The day my girl takes that binder off for good (a garment I regret facilitating, but it was a tradeoff for not taking her to the gender clinic) — is the day I’ll feel like some sort of corner of body acceptance has been turned. Meanwhile I wait for society to return to some sort of sense and for transing to be a rare, last-resort option, and for this assumption that ‘informed consent’ is truly ‘informed’ to fade.
Onward & upward.
Certainly none of us has a guarantee where our kids are going to end up. But your story illuminates the point that kids change. No one used to question that idea, did they? Frankly, I’m really glad to hear that she is in limbo. It’s a much better place to be than demanding testosterone and top surgery. It’s really beyond me that the standard of practice has gone from “wait and see” to transition as fast as possible. Good luck to you. Good luck to us all.
This was beautiful to read, puzzled. Your daughter may turn out to be lesbian and it’s so nice to see that she has supportive parents.
Thanks. I’ve thought for a long time that she’s probably same-sex attracted and both spouse and I have sent a lot of positive verbal messages about that. Lately I have seen more signs that she might be feeling bi. Seriously, I don’t think she has it at all figured out other than being sort of terrified by the whole sex/love business, and knowing she doesn’t have any interest in looking princessy or slutty. She is very emotionally young for her age in a lot of ways,and frightened by many things. I often think the ‘boy’ mask is largely a desire to have more weight and power in the world — a world she finds pretty scary as a petite female. I feel like … if we can just maintain a decent relationship, keep supporting her explorations (academic and emotional), and keep the brakes on irrevocable medical steps until she is really cognitively mature enough to UNDERSTAND the implications — then we will have done our job. Come what may.
If she’s open to it help her look for colleges with active women’s centers and groups. She may find more support for a lesbian identity from a women’s center with active social groups instead of a gay-straight alliance. You’re right that some LGBT centers are much more trans-focused.
As a parent of 4 I have been thinking about this. It seems to me that our kids are board. Generally, they have too much time on their hands and the easiest way to fill that time is to sit in front of a screen. Limiting screen time is important but I am thinking as parents we need to help them fill it with other things and set an example ourselves.
For example, my youngest, who is a boy plans on becoming a baker. We have been watching “The Great British Baking Show” together and then baking some of the things. I have no concerns with gender issues with him or his siblings but I appreciate that there are men on the show competing and they are regular guys so it is a good male example.
I will be looking for other activities for my other kids to do together to get us off screens and build our relationships.
be careful bc as a trans teen myself i will say that since your child may have felt very shut down and hurt by how you may have reacted when they came out they are most likely not telling you anything that they are feeling on the matter.they do not bring it up because they do not want to upset you.they probably feel like they can not tell you many things about their life because of the way you reacted to something so serious for them.if they are 17 they have most likely already had a romantic relationship and have not told you because they feel they cannot trust you.they have most likely transitioned socially online and at school but are very cautious as to what you can see(again they do not want it to be a big fuss or for you to get upset) (they also are probably afraid of being disowned and/or getting kicked out as alot of us trans{or questioning} teens are even if realisticaly we know it wont happen) since they may be heading off to college soon if they want to transition they will not tell you, they honestly are probably making a plan for once they are out of your house to start and will not tell you until they have already begun transitioning and it is outwardly noticeable.they want nothing more than for you to just try to get where they are comimg from.if you were to bring it up and ask them about it and just listen and i mean only listen dont make any comments to them about it and maybe just reassure how you love them no matter what ,it would mean the absolute world to them.you do not have to facilitate their transition but you can show them that your love for them will not waver no matter the choice they make in the end.
thanks for your reasonable and kind tone, Chris. You’re not telling me (and likely the other parents here) stuff we don’t already know. I can tell you frankly that my kid has clearly heard from both me and my spouse that, trans or not, we will always want to have a relationship, and that we’d never kick her out unless there was some other kind of reason that doesn’t seem relevant or likely. That has been expressed verbally numerous times. We didn’t shut her down, to the level I think you are imagining. But after about six months … her intensity level about it passed.
I know my kid’s not socially transitioned at school because it’s the kind of school that’d discuss it with a parent. Personas she’s assuming online — yeah, of course it would not surprise me if those are male in places to which I don’t have access.
I took my daughter to get a very short haircut. I regularly take her shopping in the boy’s department. I let her get a binder. I’m taking her to rent a tux for prom. But the permanent physical stuff — she knows I can’t support that until she’s had a lot longer to weigh the pros and cons, both physical and psychological. As long as she is doing well in school, has many friends, and is engaged in a lot of what I consider healthy activities, and is enjoying her life, I don’t see a need to do other than the “let it ride” approach that we are currently doing. I’m under no illusions that this is necessarily a permanent state of affairs. As with all adults, she will eventually be empowered to make her own decisions.
There’s a long history of psych issues here that I won’t go into, far predating the “i might be trans” idea. College is coming up and the whole thing will obviously have to be revisited in some depth before she moves out.
I hope the people in your life are also telling you they love you, Chris, whatever their opinion regarding physical transition of a teen. Every kid deserves this.
Again, I appreciate your measured tone, and I wish you well.
I’m so glad to hear you and your daughter are closer than ever. I too have been following your blog for months after my 10-year-old tearfully told me one night she thought she was a boy. I was completely thrown by this and tried my best to reassure her, telling her she’s a girl who happens to like what everyone considers “boy stuff” – pants, sports, no dolls – telling her her teens are meant for figuring out who shes is. I was trying to say the right stuff but kind of tripped all over myself. I so appreciate your blog for educating me and strengthening my resolve to help her through this very confusing time for her. She mentioned it in August and hasn’t brought it up again, though she likes to wear ties and chooses the darkest, baggiest clothes she can find and has been very forceful in her objection to wearing a dress and the color pink. I’ve felt like a coward for avoiding it, but I thought bringing it up might just make it worse. I just wanted to say thank you for your insight, research and empathy.
Oh my God, she is only 10? I hope you’ll continue to support her in wearing whatever she wants and not fitting into stereotypes. I’m so glad you came here. I know I speak for many when I say we are here for you no matter what happens. Keep the faith.
We live in a very progressive, very liberal part of NYC, so it’s been tough. There’s a transitioning MTF parent in school (for whom the PTA held a fundraiser for surgery) and a first-grader (my daughter’s reading buddy) who has changed pronouns. She also spent three weeks with her married aunts last summer who have a number of T friends – we had the tearful conversation about a week after she came home. Well-meaning moms tell me how cute it is that she’s trying to “pass” – when I think she likes baggy clothes because she’s modest about her changing body. She spends absolutely no un-monitored time on the Internet, thankfully – desktop is in the living room, and she asks to use it when she needs it for school, and no phone. But how long can we protect her? This has been all-consuming since she told me – and I know I’m probably making a bigger deal out of it than it is.
Reblogged this on GenderTrender.
I am glad to hear that some girls are coming back to identifying as female.
While we are refusing to pay for therapy, our problem is our daughter belongs to the GSA at her school and is friends with another girl who identifies as trans. I do feel that trying to block a friendship and force her out of a group would cause an immediate backlash and encourage her to identify even MORE strongly with this ideology.
She’s identifying as male at school and has taken on a new name. She sent out a blanket announcement to family the day before Thanksgiving, which we only found out abut because our host for dinner (we traveled out-of-state and were staying in a hotel) called us on Thanksgiving a few hours before we were doing to show up at her house explaining that she really didn’t feel like she could explain to her young kids why their cousin wanted to be called a different name and use male pronouns. Ugh.
The only good thing is that my mother (who also got a text message) told our daughter that she could only ever call her the name we named her and that she loved her. And, our kid did not have some meltdown tantrum. We had an epic fight when we returned home — but it still was not scream-y on my or my husband’s part although she has decided that I am trying to be a martyr.
I am in a VERY bad place. I keep trying and trying to be positive and maintain with so much uncertainty, but my other two kids also have issues — my oldest daughter has recently been diagnosed with severe OCD and my youngest with ADHD. If I think too hard, it pisses me off that my daughter with identity issues is the one being lauded as brave and amazing when she’s mostly throwing temper tantrums because everyone won’t pretend that reality doesn’t exist and yet one of her sisters is literally spending the bulk of her waking hours thinking about suicide and doing rituals and is STILL doing great in school and the youngest is making her way, even though she can barely concentrate and has memory issues. THOSE TWO GIRLS ARE BRAVE and getting no credit.
They also don’t call me a transphobe and a bigot and accuse me of wanting them dead and to fuck off on a regular basis. I am very lonely. Because I still don’t want to talk about the nightmarish life we’re living because I fear it will stigmatize my daughters and they deserve some privacy. And I know that the one who is antagonizing us isn’t doing it consciously — it’s brought on by her anxiety and depression. But no educator or mental health professional will aid us.
No one would suggest that I tell my daughter with OCD that her obsessive thoughts and rituals are a good thing and agree that everyone should encourage them and also help out by offering her hormones and removing body parts to keep everyone safe. But that’s EXACTLY what they’re doing to her sister — telling her her delusions of being the opposite sex are normal and healthy and that we should all just go along and do whatever she says.
GAH.
Could you get her to read “A Brother’s Price”? It is fantasy, so if she likes that, you could leave it somewhere where she might find it?
It’s a book that reverses gender roles while being honest about biology. It’s also a rather cheesy romance. As the protagonist family consists of a dozen or so girls who have short hair and wear trousers, and a boy who wears pretty clothes and does most of the household work … it might broaden her horizon a bit.
(I find myself recommending that book over and over … because I have not found any other like it. Egalia’s Daughters is also nice, but a bit boring and rather focused on politics.)
I can try. Thanks for the recommendation.
katiesan, I am in the same place, though I have told a bit to a few close friends. I know the isolation. It is hard to look forward to these holidays with the thought of family bringing up questions, using her name, wondering why she is so different from last year (we are several hours from family). I have learned to separate my emotions from other people’s view or opinion….to a point. It is not easy at all. I write a lot and have probably read every comment on this blog and any others I can find.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, too, stillhopeful. Hang in, there!
Katiesan — no brilliant words of wisdom here, just warm thoughts of solidarity with you, and shared anger at the utter failure of the med/psych community in this regard. The complete abrogation of responsible, cautious action, IMO. This is a hard road, especially with other kids who also have serious special needs. I hate that you feel so lonely and isolated and hope that these digital words, even if so ephemeral, can make you feel a tiny bit less alone.
Look, I’ll be honest. I’d love to believe that my kid’s going to be like 4thwave’s kid and that any such change of heart will be permanent. But at this point I’m not betting the farm on such an outcome. Like I said — we’re simply in limbo here for whatever reason. Mutual choice, I think. The kid is scared for a lot of things and the status quo of nonconforming presentation but holding on to the female identity seems to be working for her and for her friends and teachers, people whose opinion she values. (Which is way better than the active hostility you are dealing with, for sure.) A lot could change, either way. If your kid stops being so tight with the current GSA, even by virtue of eventual school graduation and college, stuff could change with your kid’s attitude too. (Not necc the gender issues. But the attitude.)
And some of us are not going to ‘win’ this battle. If it is a battle indeed. As with parents over the centuries, some of us are going to feel the pain of seeing our kids make major decisions that we think are harmful to them. As the kids grow, our ability to slow that process down becomes ever smaller. That is how it is supposed to be. They will be adults, and adults get to make their own choices, even bad choices. At that point I think all love demands is keeping the heart open and the door to communication open, so the adult child understands that there is always some way home, even if it only boils down to ‘agree to disagree and meanwhile come home for Thanksgiving anyway.’ I don’t think love ever demands a wholehearted embrace (and financial support) of choices that you fundamentally feel are … dangerous, counterproductive, and wrong for your kid.
I have envisioned so many times the need to say: “I can’t financially support these choices because I believe they are dangerous choices for you, body and mind and heart. You will have to pay for them yourself, if you decide to take such a risky path after really reading all the available good research. If that is the only way you can stand to live in the world. But I will always love you, I will always want a relationship with you, and I will always want only the best for you.” Other than the ‘financial’ piece, which has not yet come up, this is the message I have tried to communicate with my kid in the earlier stages of her idea she might be trans. Like I said, right now it’s not being discussed but … that could change. Thus the mental rehearsal, the life in a state of feeling steeled for the occasion when this discussion is going to be necessary.
Katiesan, I can only say what I know for sure… that this too shall pass. That this state where you are so directly responsible for all these kids and all their problems will pass. That your state of being so consumed with their needs will not be forever, and that, come what may, the daily pain of this situation will not be forever. They will grow, and they will become independent (yes, I do believe this is true) and …. the burden of being the mom (though still maybe always a burden of some sort) will be less overwhelming. You will be able to breathe better. Come what may. Even if it’s not an outcome you’d prefer.
Hang in there.
I think what you say, puzzled, about coming to a place of equanimity is very important. As our teens get older, we necessarily relinquish the sort of leverage we had when they were younger. All we really have, apart from the very important financial leverage, is what we say and how we say it. I never felt good after the arguments I had with my daughter. I know I have the most impact when I can say what I believe in a few well chosen words. I consciously spend time thinking carefully about what message I want to impart before saying it. But then again, I do believe my daughter understands (even if she doesn’t like it) when I am upset or angry about this trans stuff that it’s because I am trying to protect her. We parents aren’t Zen masters. It’s valuable sometimes for our kids to see our emotions, as long as they don’t run away with us too much. I also want to emphasize how important it is to try to get our kids off the Internet and into more healthy pursuits. I think it is well worth spending a lot of money and time on that. Most kids, I think, will respond to a sincere effort on their parents’ part to fund and support activities that they enjoy. I also want to add that, although things are looking good right now, I am well aware that my daughter will be making her own choices in the very near future. About everything. As puzzled says, there is no guarantee that our girls will not decide to “transition” at one point or another. But I feel a certain peace, knowing I have done and I am doing everything in my power to be a counterbalance to what I have now come to see as a pervasive and corrosive cultural poison. Contrary to what the activists say, our daughters need to hear from us.
I wanted to emphasize 4thWave’s point that families struggling with this need to “try to get our kids off the Internet and into more healthy pursuits. I think it is well worth spending a lot of money and time on that. Most kids, I think, will respond to a sincere effort on their parents’ part to fund and support activities that they enjoy.” Growing up, I loved figure skating, but my parents did not. I had to fund my own lessons and skates, and eventually got to a level that I couldn’t afford it financially and my parents wouldn’t help. At that point, I stopped skating and in some dramatic ways my life fell apart. (I did not have trans issues.) I no longer had anything to look forward to, or to take pride in, or anything that I could measure my progress in. I became deeply depressed. It is crucial to support a kid’s real world passions and get them off the internet, where their lack of experience is being taken advantage of by controlling people with a social agenda. Getting them off the internet is best NOT done in a controlling way or a dictatorial way, but best by default, by simply having other, more fulfilling and profitable activities to do. Those activities can be: a job, college classes (possible even if still in high school), sports, theater, music, walking in a forest preserve, volunteering to help the less fortunate, traveling, ANYTHING.
This is such superb advice. Exactly right. Won’t work to forbid the Internet, but provide attractive alternatives.
I’m so glad to hear the good news about your daughter! And I am happy to hear that you are continuing to keep up the good fight. Your blog has been a source of hope for me and so, so many others.
I have been reading your blog for months now. I arrived here not long after my daughter came out as trans earlier this year. I feel like you and I (and our daughters) have been following the same path. It has been quite the rollercoaster ride–starting with confusion, ramping up to concern and quickly moving to panic where it plateaued for months. Then, without much warning, my daughter decided that she wasn’t trans after all too.
It has been a couple of months since she has reclaimed her female status. I’m not jumping for joy just yet, though. I feel like she is still at some risk of reverting just due to the environment that she is growing up in.
I just wanted to share, to give other parents out there hope that their kid’s trans identity may not last either. And I echo what 4thWave has said–to trust your gut instincts, that you know your child better than any gender specialist ever could.
Best wishes for everyone out there going through this!
Glad to read that your daughter recovered, so to speak!
“One very friendly therapist, who identifies as FTM and whose website stressed “his” commitment to “informed consent,” assured me that there was no need for my daughter to first experience a sexual or romantic relationship before deciding whether she was trans.”
I agree with her, actually … one does not need a sexual relationship to figure out who one is. I think a heterosexual relationship with PiV as standard might even confirm a girl’s ideas about being trans, in a “If that is what I get as woman, then I’d rather be a man” way.
A sexual relationship with one’s own right hand is preferrable in my opinion, as it is more likely to be pure joy, no risks or discomfort involved.
It is so sad that so many girls feel uncomfortable in their female bodies. I wore baggy clothes as a teenager, but it would never have occurred to me to claim to be male. (Except on the internet, that is, where it is the done thing to avoid harrassment.)
Yeah, I can see your point about relationships. But see, deciding that one’s sexed body is “wrong” is different from sexual orientation. Without ever experiencing one’s body to its fullest, it seems strange to me to think of radically altering it. Also, the Dutch researchers (the ones who started this whole crazy kid trans thing) have noted that many gender dysphoric teens desist after they fall in love; that in fact, those feelings and experiences help them resolve their dysphoria, at least in some cases…
Well, falling in love solves (and causes) lots of issues, as it exposes the brain to interesting hormones.
However, it is not part of everyone’s development (I fell in love for the first time in my early twenties) and some girls seem to get into sexual relationships just because they think it is about time that they do – and such a relationship might worsen the body dysphoria problem.
Also, when does one have experienced one’s body “to the fullest”? Women can get pregnant, too, but I wouldn’t suggest that as part of identity-finding.
It seems strange to me to think of radically altering a healthy body no matter what.
I totally agree with you that the decision to transition should not be made by a teenager who never had a romantic relationship – but neither should it be made by a teenager who did have a romantic relationship. It should only be made by adults, in my opinion.Adults here meaning people whose brain is fully matured, with I think happens somewhen in the twenties according to science.
One of the things that I noticed while trying to gain information on the etiology of transgenderism in females is that there seemed to be a relationship between lesbianism, transgenderism, and first sexual contact. From a meta-study compiled several years ago, the transsexual females (all same-sex attracted) didn’t experience sexual contact* until an average of approximately two years later than their heterotypical peers– at around age 19. According to the paper, lesbians tend to engage in first relationships later, and this makes sense, especially in a time where homosexuality for the most part was considered illegal, immoral, and a mental illness. Overcoming the social pressure to submit to compulsory heterosexuality, as any Lesbian can tell you, requires a significant amount of self-doubt and an overcoming of a sense of wrongness imposed by a multitude of cultural messages. (Speaking for myself, it took me over a year to work up the courage just to tell the object of my first *affection* how I felt about her out of fear of rejection and self-doubt– and I had only just begun to unpack my own self-recrimination).
Skipping forward a few decades to the Dutch “persistence” study that 4th referenced: 100% of the girls who persisted in claiming transgendered identities were same-sex attracted, and none of them had acted on or admitted to anyone the nature of their sexuality nor had they experienced sexual contact*. Although they noted that their peers had been accepting of their “coming out” as trans, they justified not having made mention of their sexuality on the basis of fear of being rejected by those same peers. In other words, it was easier for them to “come out” as trans than as lesbian. They, themselves, justified this lack of disclosure as being due to not wanting to have sex until they were in the “right body.” If I recall correctly, the average age for sexual contact among this group was also around 19 years.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I find these reactions/responses to be significant indicators of both the likelihood of expressed homophobia among the peers (why else would these girls be afraid of their reactions?) as well as a significant degree of internalized homophobia/heterosexism on the part of the girls, themselves. None of the children who persisted considered themselves gay or lesbian despite the fact that they were all same-sex attracted. Many of them rationalized this attraction as being yet another indication that they really *were* other-sexed. (This is the same rationale, you may note, that is used in Iran to justify “transitioning” homosexuals who would otherwise face the possibility of lethal punishment. In a BBC documentary on this subject, at least one of the people coerced into transition and remorseful of having submitted expressed his initial willingness to believe this explanation of his sexuality because of his own internalized homophobia)
This same paper, which was intended to explore the factors in children which signified whether they would persist or desist in their cross-sex identities, noted that one of the factors related to desistence (reverting back to identification with their actual sex) was that the desisters stated that “their first experience of falling in love” caused their dysphoria to be reduced. Additionally, the boys who re-identified with their natal sex noted that their desire to be a different sex diminished as their awareness of the “pleasurable aspects” of their bodies were discovered. In contrast, the majority of the children who persisted acknowledged that they had suppressed their (same sex) attractions to others, and that they intentionally maintained greater distance from others both emotionally and physically. This self-imposed suppression of desire eliminated the possibility of experiencing the pleasure that helped the other children resolve their body issues.
Altogether, I think that these factors alone suggest that sexuality is inextricably linked to issues of gender and identity, and that there is a need on the part of would-be transitioners to be given the time to fully explore (and come to terms with) their sexuality prior to engaging in therapies which may irreversibly alter their bodies before they’ve even had a chance to explore their potential for pleasure. To be loved, as you are, is a very powerful thing.
*denotes sexual contact engaged in willingly. No mention is made in any of the studies of whether or not these children experienced CSA or other forms of unwanted sexual contact which could significantly affect attitudes toward and engagement in sexual activity and/or their relationships to their sexed bodies. Demand better research.
“I agree with her, actually … one does not need a sexual relationship to figure out who one is.”
Interesting. When I first came out to my parents they made a similar argument, that I should experience love and sex in an unaltered body before cutting off any body parts.
I wonder if this is another case of trying to generalise advice designed for would-be mtfs to would-be ftms, rather than actually taking into account the very different female experience. It’s obviously easy for males to experience love and sex with few or no ill effects. It’s also, obviously, easy for males to know if male-pattern sexual pleasure is something they want or don’t want due to the nature of male biology. So making a decision one way or the other is unproblematic. I’m not really sure whether this sort of ‘advice’ would be helpful to females though, since neither of those conditions are true for them.
“I wonder if this is another case of trying to generalise advice designed for would-be mtfs to would-be ftms”
That’s what I wondered, too.
For males, the default is that, in a sexual relationship, their male anatomy will be celebrated and that they will experience pleasure. So there is a good chance they might change their mind.
“It’s also, obviously, easy for males to know if male-pattern sexual pleasure is something they want or don’t want due to the nature of male biology.”
More due to the nature of patriarchy.
If PiV were not the default, and body-shaming not the norm (just think of men comparing vaginas to fish!), then things would be different.
As things are, a lesbian relationship would have some chance of changing a girl’s mind about wanting to be a boy, but a heterosexual relationship with PiV and fear of pregnancy, etc. could make things worse.
Yay!
So glad to hear that your daughter is starting to accept her female self. I really hope it’s the beginning of a journey to full self acceptance. It’s so hard being a teenager and I have no idea what it must be like these days with the constant gender pressure and propaganda. You really should be kind to yourself and recognise the enormity of what you’ve done, in supporting her and other parents. Best wishes.
I don’t think that I could have recovered my sanity without reading this blog all these months. It has reaffirmed what I felt when I began really questioning this trend. It’s interesting how there are the 5 stages of loss and grief (1. denial and isolation, 2. anger, 3. bargaining, 4.depression, and 5. acceptance) and how my evolution through this trans journey with my daughter has taken me in exactly the opposite direction. First, I was accepting. Then, when I began doing the research and when I found out what this transgender indoctrination was really about I went into a type of depression. I began bargaining with my daughter not to do certain things (using her preferred pronouns and name if she were to hold off on hormone and surgery). Now, I’m at the anger stage, angry with our society and I even get angry with my daughter. I am also, as many of you feel – isolated from most of society. Denial is there in terms of denying what our society is pushing us into. I’m not denying reality. These are the 5 stages of my evolution. And I feel so much stronger than when this story began a year and a half ago.
And I can’t emphasize enough how helpful all of you, especially 4thwave, have been all along. My daughter is not out of it, she’s very stubborn, but I am very grateful to hear the stories of your daughters who have made it out and I hope they continue. When they become mature enough, maybe they could contribute to helping other girls out of this madness.
I’m elated to hear the great news about your daughter! Thank you for being a voice of reason in this time of insanity. At the age of 17 I was severely depressed and a frequent user of Tumblr. I stumbled across the FTM hashtag and soon was “questioning” my “gender identity”. I suppose I was fascinated by the idea of playing dress up- or perhaps, like many depressed teens, I hated myself so much that I was searching for a new identity. After a couple months the “questioning” just sort of went away. I am now almost 21, have mostly emerged from the grips of depression, and I’m very proud of my womanhood. Keep fighting the good fight. The truth is on our side!
It’s very nice to hear from you. Would you consider a guest post, talking about your experience of moving from considering “transition” to returning to identifying as female? It could be very helpful for both parents–and young women–to read. Your anonymity is always protected here.
I will definitely write something. How can I send it to you?
Note sent.
This was a phenomenal post. I am so glad that things are getting better for your daughter. Big sigh of relief. This post would be a fantastic ‘intro’ for people who are new to this whole thing. Including both the fact children go through phases being ignored, and the socialization of kids into the trans ideology.
Boring blog housekeeping question: when I first started reading your blog my ‘likes’ it didn’t register. Then suddenly everything was OK. And now we’re back to the likes not registering again. Did you change anything? It’s just with this post that it’s different. I cleared the cache on my tablet. I don’t know if that’s affecting anything.
I’ve had these experiences myself on other people’s WordPress sites. I don’t get it. I’ll see if I can dig up an answer or resolution.
So pleased to hear your good news- it gives me hope! And thanks for your wonderful article. This is an important blog which I was so relieved to find a few months ago. Thank you for your support.
This news about your daughter, and the strenghtening of your relationship makes my heart sing. And reading the posts from parents who have found this blog a source of information, validation, and hope has doubled my inital assessment that this blog, your work, is one of the most important and indespensible resources for parents to be found on the internet.
I am in awe of you, 4th Wave. Your work in protecting children, young people, and their relationships with those who love them needs recognition beyond the world wide web. Would you consider publishing a book of your/your daughter’s journey and the collective insights of parents, therapists, and child and adolescent behaviour therapists that form the backbone of this blog? If published, I think it should be required reading by every teacher, health professional, counsellor and social worker. I cannot stress how much a counterbalance to the current craze for all things trans is needed in these professions. Most of what is out there that is critical of the transgender movement is on right-wing or Christian fundamentalist sites, which tend to blame it on “the gays”, or feminists. These sources are easily dicredited by those considering themselves “progressives”. Radical or lesbian feminists have been writing about this for years, but sadly, the trans inquisition just have to whisper the word “TERF” for the gutless to flee from assiciation with them for fear of being next in front of the firing squad.
Anyway. I just want to thank you again for your work and to send you my heartfelt best wishes as you move forward with your daughter. I hope she one day thanks you for what you have done for her, but as a mother of a late teen daughter I won’t hold my breath for that 😉
My fingers are crossed that this change of heart with my daughter will last…but as you know, there is no guarantee of that. I like your idea of a book. I think an anthology of stories by all the parents who share their experiences here would be powerful. Each parent has a unique and often very painful situation they are living through. The comments on this post from mothers in the thick of this are a sampler. And their voices are not listened to in many places outside this tiny corner of the Internet. Thank you for your kind words and support.
Let me add my note to those warmly expressing their gratitude for your work and joy at this news about your daughter!
I’m usually just a lurker, but signed in to comment on the book thing. I know you’ve said in the past that this blog is your book. But I’m thinking you just need an editor to organize your blog posts into a book. I’d offer to do it myself, for free, as a small contribution to the very important work you’re doing here. But I’m in the process of finishing a big project and couldn’t do a new project justice for at least 6 months.
If you don’t have an editor by then, I’ll get in touch and offer to help if you want such help.
Thank you! Wonderful offer.
So pleased to hear your good news! Very relieved too that you will be carrying on with this important blog – it was a lighthouse in a storm for me when I found it! Whilst my situation is ongoing and difficult, your article gives me hope. Thank you.
Listen to your own gut instinct as a mother. Exactly. I am so happy that your daughter is coming through this and you and she are in a good place together.
As you know my personal trans family story is different, but similar in some ways. My staying away from gender specialists who would have told my kids that my ex was trapped in the ”wrong body” and that they had to ”accept” that their father was a woman has proven to be the best way for us. My kids are coming through fairly well. They are happy to see their father on their own terms; ie where and when. At the end of the day I just want them to be able to make their own decisions about their relationship with their Dad. They keep things pretty much to themselves, but my eldest son quoted the line ”If you can make it through the night there’s a brighter day” in a birthday card to me. I googled it and found that it came from a 2pac song, ”Dear Mama’, you are appreciated”. I knew then I’d done the right thing. Thank you for the inspiration to stay strong and grounded for my kids.
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Excellent post, 4th Wave! I had been wondering recently how things were going with your daughter, but (a) didn’t want to impose by asking, and (b) was afraid of what the answer might be if I did. As you say, it’s perhaps too early to break out the champagne, but just being able to stop holding your breath for a bit has to feel wonderful!
And I would like to second what “lucyfirre” said above. You truly should cut yourself some slack and allow yourself a pat on the back. Not just for hanging in there and being the best parent you can be, but also for helping all the rest of us with our own sanity on this journey.
It’s hard not to worry, even with my daughter’s current desistence from the whole trans thing. There is so much unrelenting pressure from all sides. But I am taking a needed breath and I am so very happy that I am helping others to feel some strength just to carry on another day. We can just take this moment by moment…
Those of us in the LGB community are starting to wake up, question the Transgender Ideology and push back against. A group of us have gathered together to create a new website, http://www.lgbvoice.org where we’ll continue to take a critical look at Transgenderism; part of that includes a new essay written by myself, the creator of the Drop The T petition that made news a few weeks back. I encourage you to read, register and comment.
http://lgbvoice.org/why-i-created-the-drop-the-t-petition/
So glad to hear from you! I was aware of this initiative and will support you in any way I can. I think members of the LGB community need to be educated that the transitioning of young people amounts to proactive anti-gay conversion therapy. And in too many cases, these kids are being permanently sterilized. Thank you for what you’re doing.
Thank you for your support and encouragement. One of the things that frustrates me is how closely aligned LGB organizations and media are to the Trans Ideology; some others have mentioned the similarity to the daycare/Satanist paranoia of the 80s, which proved to be completely unfounded, yet left lives in ruin in the aftermath. I worry that, in a generation, the kids that have been caught up in this will speak out and perhaps even sue their parents, the health care providers, and the whole house of cards will come crashing down; because LGB orgs/media supported the ideology, they will come crashing down, too.
I would love to have you as a contributor or perhaps an interview? Is there a way I can contact you personally? I want to help any way I can, too!
I’ll write to you! And I have been thinking about this a lot recently. Most liberals/progressives don’t question the trans meme because (1) they haven’t looked into it deeply and (2) the “T” being fused to the “LGB” makes it untouchable in their minds. With the historic Supreme Court ruling legalizing gay marriage nationwide, many people feel the battle has been won, and “T” is just some variant of LGB. Because, as you say, the LGB establishment has allowed itself to be fully co-opted by trans activists, most liberals just go along with it. It’s not acceptable in 2015 to raise questions about a person’s sexual orientation; to say “are you sure you’re gay?” And that’s as it should be. But kids being railroaded into “identifying” as “transgender” is a whole other ball of wax, as you and I know. But it’s considered off-limits to raise questions–so no journalist will touch it. It seems to me that “drop the T” is a necessary linchpin in getting liberal society to start paying attention to what’s really happening here. I know in my own life, when I have talked to friends about the issue, they’ve been really surprised. I make a point of talking about the well established data showing most dysphoric and GNC kids grow up to be gay, lesbian, or bisexual. I also talk about sterilization, because the idea of sterilizing children–for any reason–is shocking to everyone, for very good reason.
I signed. Thanks for starting the petition. Many people from all walks of life are waking up to the reality of the situation.
Hey Clayton, while I agree with your aims, I think your article and your Change.org statement need to include lesbians more. We’re some of the people most hurt by T activism, as we’re now expected to have sex with men who will call us bigots and threaten us with rape or death if we decline.
While I know that trans activism is violent towards gay men as well, it is outwardly so towards lesbians–hence the revival of the radfem/lesfem communities on Tumblr.
Much love and respect for you and your initiative 🙂
I always knew that members of the community could be hateful to others of their own but actually seeing a petition to erase transgender individuals one of the only safe places is truly disgusting. I know that many people leave out the others (asexual, questioning, ally, intersex, etc.) and I was hoping it would be brought up more. Instead we get this. I am surprised you kept up the B, I know a lot of people with similar mindsets to your own pretend they don’t exist.
Your post is dead on! Your daughter is very fortunate to have such a caring, insightful mother.
Terrific post. I’m delighted to hear the news about your daughter. And I am very glad that you will be continuing to speak out against the shocking systemic abuse of so-called “gender nonconforming” children and adolescents.
BE who you are. Love who you love. Encourage your children to be who they are and love who they love. Don’t spread hate.
Agree–but encouraging kids to “be who they are” is not the same as encouraging them to reject their own bodies. Quite the opposite, in fact. Helping a child accept their whole selves, body and mind, is real parental love–a far cry from spreading hate.
I’m glad to hear the great news. Hopefully, your daughter will continue on the path to re-embracing her female identity instead of trying to completely change her integral nature based on not conforming to rigid stereotypes erroneously based on biological sex and the dominant culture. I’m just shocked and horrified at how many young people these days, younger and younger, declare they have to be trans for similar reasons, and expect everyone around them to immediately roll over and accept it.
I think part of the problem is that too many parents these days are afraid to say no and trying to be their children’s best friends instead of acting in a real parental role. In previous generations, responsible parents didn’t cater to their children’s every whim and take everything they said seriously. It’s the same deal with parents who drop hundreds of dollars on art supplies the moment a child expresses an interest in learning to paint, or who silently accept their underage children piercing and tattooing themselves because they just can’t wait to be old enough to go to the professional. What’s next, letting a 13-year-old marry her “true love forever” after dating someone for all of six months? If children now know their own minds well enough to know they’re trans at all of two years old, why not let them decide they’re ready for marriage, living independently, or driving a car in elementary school too?
And this was all common sense just a few short years ago. What I want to know is, why is the entire society in cahoots with this? The media reports the (at least) daily trans kid story without the slightest hint of skepticism. No attempt to get another side to the story. No challenging questions. And it’s all happened so fast.
I’m glad your daughter is doing well. I don’t believe, however, that all kids who identify as Transgender will wake up one day and not be Trans anymore. I think it is critical to take it slowly and of course know your own child but this post sounded to me like a generalization and that if people wait long enough their kids will just conform once again. I just want to be careful not to send the message to kids who truly are gender non-conforming that they are imagining things.
I have no illusions about this; no doubt many young people will persist in “identifying” as transgender. But you really missed the key point of this post…and of practically every post I’ve written. I am a big supporter of “gender nonconformity.” Not conforming to gender stereotypes is liberating and progressive. But defining someone who doesn’t conform to stereotypes as the opposite sex is regressive and antithetical to everything women’s liberation ever stood for. I invite you to read more of my blog if you don’t understand this point. Transgenderism narrows and constricts young people. It is the polar opposite of helping them to be all they can be, without the need to claim an “identity” or damage their healthy bodies.
I just found out that our 15 yo daughter isn’t comfortable being a girl and wants to be a boy and be known by male pronouns. I am in shock really – she has been gradually wearing boys clothes for the last year and got her hair cut short. My sense is that she doesn’t understand what a big deal this is and thinks it’s just a matter of declaring you are the opposite sex. My gut says this is being influenced by her friends and YouTube/social media – she is on it a lot on her own. I wonder though if I’m just in denial? I love her and want to support her but after reading your blog I am not sure what to do.
Get her off the internet ASAP! Your daughter needs YOU to guide her. She needs to find meaning in the real world. That means she needs to develop friendships, enroll in extracurricular activities that give her a sense of pride and improvement, and learn about women’s accomplishments and strengths as a class, so that she can be proud of being a woman. She also needs to be exposed to the reality of people who have mutilated themselves only to realize later that they can not actually be the opposite sex. Perhaps you can buy her books by detransitioned biological women? (I don’t know how many there are. I know there is a man who wrote “Paper Dolls” about his experience going from man to woman to man again.) Suicides go way up AFTER transition. Our society needs to stop framing everything as a choice. That is the issue right there.
The only book I’m aware of that is authored by detransitioned women is this anthology. It has several powerful personal accounts.
http://www.greenwomanstore.com/blood-and-visions.html
In addition, there are several good blogs by detransitioned women. Here is one:
http://mariacatt.com/
My sense is that she doesn’t understand what a big deal this is and thinks it’s just a matter of declaring you are the opposite sex.
There is more than one flavour of transgenderist. Some of them – it’s my sense that this is a growing number – don’t experience, or claim to experience, dysphoria and don’t have a wish to ‘transition’ physically.
In fact, they are often very hostile towards transsexuals, and any transgender people who support a medical model of transgenderism. They refer to them by the derogatory term ‘truscum’.
They are fond of claiming that men can have vaginas and women can have penises.
They sometimes call themselves ‘tucutes’ (yeah, really). Their critics call them ‘transtrenders’ and accuse them of falsely identifying as transgender in order to be trendy.
It’s possible your daughter may have been hanging out online with a crew of these transtrenders, who have encouraged her to believe that she simply is whatever ‘gender’ she feels she is.
First off, being male isn’t that easy to know or understand. It isn’t a collection of imagery, just as being female isn’t akin to a simple stereotype.
It’s also an insult to manhood to think that it’s just something that can be pulled off the shelf and adopted.
It’s plain to see that this is all a matter of external factors and parents not placing reasonable limits on kids that results (perhaps unwittingly) in something akin to the kind of programming of young children that I remember from living in East Germany – where they “worked on them” at the critical age of 5. In their case, it was to construct conformity and an acceptance of received ideology without them thinking their way through it.
The adults enabling this probably harbor a revenge fantasy against society and other people, whether they are aware of it or not.
Thank you, this blog has been an incredible source of support for me during this nightmare, especially this post. My daughter sprung this trans thing on us just a week before she graduated from high school, but not using words, she just started binding her chest with multiple jog bras (at once) and wanting me to buy her boy clothing in the last week of school! I refused and found some boyish woman’s pants and shorts for her. Needless to say, I was blindsided. This was completely a new thing for her and I had no idea where this came from. She must have gotten a lot of information from the internet, specifically youtube, because she wanted a binder. I said no. I don’t think I handled the initial conversation very well, during which she never actually came out and said she was transgendered. She just left it to the obvious I guess (passive-agressive?). I was shocked by this new turn of events and just a week before her graduation, when we should be celebrating her and her accomplishments, we are flung into oblivion. She has always had difficulty making friends, but had a small group in high school, though she was sort of on the fringe of the group. Like many of your daughters she is heavily into the internet, gaming, anime, manga, youtube, tumblr (ugh) and is a very artistic, creative soul, though she also loves science as well. In retrospect, I think that she must have felt very ‘different’ from others, being very creative, introverted, with adhd, socially awkward, high iq, and gender non-conforming in her interests (science, gaming, etc.) Now, she is in her first year of college, half a continent away, and it has been so hard to not be able to have lots of necessary followup conversations. I feel she is more isolated than ever and has developed anxiety she tells me, so bad that she withdrew from one of her most difficult courses (in her originally chosen STEM-field major). I really don’t know what to do. When I visited for parent’s weekend she seemed utterly lost, though she was dressing like boy (looked like one of the androgynous boy characters so ubiquitous in manga and anime). She has made one friend at college that she can do things with, a boy (I think) from one of her STEM classes. But she was telling me that she has a lot of anxiety (a new thing, but no wonder). My husband and I are on the same page, thankfully. We are both fearful for her future, what next steps she will take, how this will lead to even more isolation for her and also of course how this will affect her health both body and mind. Also, how do we address her obvious mental health issues without getting sucked into the ‘trans’ psychological forces that exist around us everywhere. We live in a very progressive, liberal-minded city, and so I’m really afraid of the resources we have at our disposal. Being liberal, progressive scientists ourselves, we brought her up to explore who she wanted to be. But I wasn’t expecting this as the outcome. Why can’t she be gender non-conforming in her career and interests, her dress even, while remaining a woman? It seems the trans-movement reinforces a strong gender binary rather than exploding it. When I was going through high school, things were very different. The standard school outfit for both boys and girls was Levi 505 jeans, or painters pants, an oxford shirt and a crew neck sweater (I grew up in preppy New England). Girls did not wear skirts or dresses at the time except for very dressy occasions like the prom. Nowadays there is strong pressure to conform to a very enhanced gender binary (i.e., super macho men/ super feminine women). It must be so hard to grow up today when your self-identity just doesn’t jive with this, and still maintain your self-love with your body/sex. By the way, we are completely accepting should she be lesbian or bisexual. She very well may be, but it’s not clear at this point because although she has had a couple of boyfriends, they have not been that serious. We are concerned, however, that she needlessly gender-transition medically and put her health and life at risk.
I have such mixed feelings when another parent finds us here. This is your safe place, and I’m glad you found us. But it makes me so sad too, to hear of another family going through this. You’re absolutely right: the transgender meme claims they are “expanding” gender, but it is the exact opposite. I hope you’ll stick around and keep us apprised of how things are going. I so strongly believe that our girls need us now more than ever–to be a voice of reason and support. And you know well that, just because your daughter is in college and ostensibly an adult, she still needs her parents and you still care as deeply as you ever did about protecting her from harm. There are many good comments on this post that I hope you’ll read. I will also write to you privately.
I am really happy for you, 4th. I think of you and your daughter often. Reading these comments breaks my heart – that so many loving parents are having to deal with this nightmare.
I am a big fan of girls in short hair and “boy clothes.” I think it is a very natural female reaction to having your body suddenly become a sexual object to men. This desire is a perfectly normal healthy FEMALE decision. No boy has the experience of having his body viewed as a sexual commodity. Choosing to reject that is a uniquely female act. That fact might bum out the girls who think that it brings them closer to manhood. Or maybe it can help them realize that they are normal females after all.
That’s insightful and helps to explain why so many young girls, who in the past would have identified as lesbian, are now swept up in the trans juggernaut. We must never forget how patriarchy fucks with all our brains and implants internal misogyny into all of us. As feminists we begin to be conscious of this and can overcome some of it. If we can give our daughters the tools to recognize and combat this internal misogyny, to be proud of being female through understanding our positive and unique place in the world, then they have a better chance of resisting the trans cult.
I am so happy for you and your daughter!
Thank you for sharing this and supporting other parents who struggle with this.
You’re an awesome mom. <3
I just want to add that the pressure to trans starts in PRESCHOOL. I am posting this everywhere because I want people to see how the ball gets rolling for a small child.
During this story, please keep in mind my kid is
THREE AND A HALF! Yes, 3.5 years young.
My girl that decided she wanted her brother and Dads short haircut, so we wouldn’t have to brush hers. Cool, went and got it cut and it suits her. She wears lots of my sons hand me downs (he’s only 18mo older), and other non feminine “girl” clothes. She’s comfortable, and practical, as she spends so much time outside regardless of weather.
But more than this, is her personality. Few people have dealt with a girl like this one. She’s not one bit friendly, not at all compliant, not sweet (to anyone but family)- all of the things associated with “girl”. She has an iron will, is stubborn, knows-demands- what she wants, and has boundaries she will protect (she doesn’t wanna be touched by most people, that’s fine). She will glare at anyone that gets to close. She likes who she likes, and everyone else- back off! And she’s not shy about telling anyone to “get out of my house”.
She’s also smart, very imaginative, loving to animals, responsible, a great helper, and overall good kid.
But all people see is “BOY”. She is constantly called “he”, even though she has a very delicate, obviously female, body. Several people- mainstream women, not trans Warriors or liberal feminists- have asked if “maybe, maybe, she thinks she is really a boy inside?”, and “how does she identify”
SHE IS NOT EVEN FOUR YET FFS
I told them that she thought she was a tiger for a few months, she is sometimes a baby, a cat, a boy, a daddy, a mommy, a puppy, Batman, Spider-Man….you get the drift. We don’t think she is really a tiger, so why would anyone think the boy thing was serious? I also mention that for a YEAR at about her age (3.5yra) I thought I was Gordon in Sesame Street, and would only answer to “Gordon”. But here I am, still not a big, bald, black man.
Thankfully the mainstream people are easy to educate. They saw something on TV or in a popular magazine, and took it at face value, so it’s no problem to give the 3 minute run down and have them disgusted by the sterilizing of kids by the end.
I have had to preemptivley talk to her schools/ daycare to NEVER suggest such a thing. She can pretend play any role she wants. Key word PRETEND. But no suggesting that she’s really a male. Nope! And thankfully, they are ok with this.
If I didn’t know what I know, and hadn’t been a tom boy, I would probably have picked up trans as a possible explanation for her personality, and looks. I can see other moms “bravely” transitioning their kids, using them to gain attention and fame/money.
It’s scary out there!!!
I’m a little scared that you believe your child has “a very delicate, obviously female, body.” No child that age looks any gender.
I am so glad to hear about these news about your daughter!! Now again, all these comments do make one really sad. So many young girls getting absorbed into the trans-cult… it’s really seems like we are in despair.
All the stories are the same. I have a friend, 14 years old (a girl), that has another friend that is “trans” (he is a boy who likes “feminine” things, so I guess he took up some youtube classes on transgenderism and came out like that). So, this boy saw she had short hair and liked “masculine” clothing, and told her all about trans stuff and all that. She then started identifying as trans. I brought it up once. Now she does not talk about it, but when I brought it up again she seemed unclear and doubting. So, it seems like she has realized that what she was told was bullshit. But, once you get immersed into all that trans-environment, it is difficult not to believe that. One story as many, which I hope will turn out well.
I wanna thank you for this awesome blog, and keep spreadin the message!
Thank you! And yeah. Those of us who have seen our kids change nearly overnight are very clear that this is a contagion. But the activists vociferously deny that any of these kids could be “catching” the trans bug from their friends or the online pro-trans world.
I was looking for that “erstwhile” and there it is, now, in the subtitle. (Hmm…Adrienne Rich, Walt Whitman, and a cogent prose style. Some literary type, clearly!) Good news. Over this hump, over many more!
Look at these photos of Tatum O’Neal from the early 1970s.
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/498281146246833245/
In some of the pics, she is dressed in costumes from “Paper Moon”, but in the Oscar photos Tatum is wearing an outfit she chose herself. Troubled as her life has been, Tatum did not grow up to be trans. Nobody looking at those childhood photos at the time they were taken would have suggested that this little girl in a tuxedo might be trans; the thought would not have occurred to them. But in this day and age, some people would take one look at that child and label her trans. How many times have they applied that label to Shiloh Jolie-Pitt?
BTW, Tatum chose to wear a tuxedo to the Oscars because she admired Bianca Jagger, who often wore suits at that time.
Absolutely. In the 1970s we did not confuse tomboyishness with need to change sex. (I consider the two things mutually contradictory, but don’t need to expand on that here.) I realize genuine transsexualism does exist, but it is rare, and young NGC females can easily be lured into thinking they should become male.
This morning my mom yelled up to me that someone had written in to Dear Abby about a friend’s daughter who was wishing to identify as a man, and Abby gave the advice to respect the young person’s gender identity and visit PFLAG for more information ( http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2015/12/8/0/daughters-changing-gender-identity-baffles-her ). It was such a brief and clean-cut answer I was surprised and taken aback – not that I don’t expect the media to be saturated by trans-positive propaganda at this point, but I thought Dear Abby would have a touch more thoughtfulness. My mom encouraged me to at least write a comment (I ended up writing a letter) and in the process I came here to grab the TransitionTrender info and OH, WHAT GOOD NEWS.
What good news on a day when I just read Dear Abby encouraging the transition narrative. Because even if that narrative is overwhelming, what you have here – what you’ve done here all along – asserts the possibility of SOMETHING ELSE. Something else that is right and true. I teared up reading your post. I am so happy and relieved for you and your daughter. Your blog was one of several that helped bring me out of my own gender-fog several months ago and I’ve tried to keep up since then, always hoping. My mother and I send big virtual hugs to you and your daughter.
I have hope that in time we will see more and more stories like this, of people coming out the other side through love and patience and knowledge. At very least it finally got me to make a wordpress account to post a comment here, and maybe it’s time for me to start writing too, as I think you encouraged me to when I wrote in to your tumblr months ago.
Thank you for all you have shared here. It’s so important and truly inspiring.
You win the “made my day!” comment of the week. Thank you so much for writing in–and say thanks to your mom, too. Speaking of writing: Would you consider writing a guest post for this blog? You could write one yourself, and/or you and your mom could write one jointly. I would like to publish a series of accounts from people who considered transition and changed their minds. Let me know! Our kids need your voices.
We would be happy to. =)
Thank you, thank you, thank you.Just reading these blogposts and comments helps me keep my head up.
Hi 4thwavenow. I’m a 17 GNC lesbian, and I think I have some insight on what its like to be LGBQ in the heavily trans-oriented culture of the MOGAI Mainstream.
Back in middle school, when I first started grappling with my sexuality and my personal presentation, I confided in a close friend (well, actually, they were more along the lines of long-term emotional abuser, but regardless) that I don’t really enjoy being feminine and that I don’t always feel “like a girl.”
Now, this was before I knew what it meant to feel “like a girl” in a trans context, but being conventionally attractive and blessed/cursed with large hips and breasts, I knew I didn’t like being perceived as a girl in our society. I didn’t like the attention from men, I didn’t like the strict dress codes, I didn’t like the way I was undervalued in the classroom and in my own family.
This friend told me that I felt this way because I wasn’t a girl. I was some other gender, but definitely not a girl, and they quickly encouraged me to start using they/them pronouns and binding my chest (I still do the latter to this day, though its an aesthetic choice).
When I started telling around my school that I was “transitioning” to genderpivot, what I really was hoping would happen is that I could transition out of female oppression.
Fast forward to high school. I quickly stopped identifying as anything other than a woman. I didn’t have the energy to make up “dysphoria” and honestly leaving the trans community at my school kept me away from the person who conditioned me out of being female, who I had then recognized as an emotional abuser and a negative influence. (More than my friends who later got me into drugs and alcohol, this person stands out as the most negative, draining impact on my life to this point.)
I’m a senior now, and the president of my school’s QSA, which has about 40 people in it, but I am literally the only lesbian who uses she/her pronouns and identifies as a woman (I know woman is not an identity–but if you ask anyone else in the club that’s TERF nonsense). There are three other lesbians in the club, but all of them are some sort of gender variant–and like me, none of them are gender-conforming.
I went back to being feminine until this year, when one day, without much warning, I came in with my hair chopped off, pants on (I was known for my shunning of anything other than skirts and dresses), no makeup, etc. etc. and was immediately asked about my pronouns by people who’d known me for seven or more years.
Gender is a fashion accessory now, and they like to tell us gender-abolitionists that we’re the essentialist, capitalist ones.
So to everyone reading this page, especially the older people–this is our reality.
People who know from a young age that they’re gay, or lesbian, or bisexual–they tend to flock together. And in these insular communities, Tumblr is the authority on identity. I’ve seen so many people, particularly unfeminine girls, PARTICULARLY gay unfeminine girls, pressure themselves and others into going by he/him, changing their names to Kyle and Ethan and Rhys. A male student in my club “transitioned” to female after I told him that as a lesbian I wasn’t interested in him. The day after he “came out” as “a woman”, he messaged me on Facebook, saying “now that I feel like a girl, do you think we can go out?”
It’s not just the FTM video binges that turn your daughters into sons. It’s the fact that there are no more lesbian role models. Lesbians are a dying breed.
Thank you for this. I literally just got a request from my daughter asking if she could join the GSA club at school. I told her we would talk about it.
I have always encouraged my kids to be open-minded. To never pick on anyone due to how they looked, their religion, ethnicity or sexual orientation. To accept people as they are.
But I am scared by this–hesitant that just joining a group (having the noble goal of supporting those who are marginalized) may be a bad influence for her and convince her again that she is a boy.
I’m really not sure what I’m going to decide.
Thanks for your insight, politics.
My daughter is in her second year at university here in Scotland. She told me yesterday that “there aren’t many lesbians at [her] university, that she only knows one young woman who calls herself that. There are lots of gay men, she said, but the young women are mostly “genderqueer” or “pansexual”. It makes me sad that young women are losing lesbian role models. A kind of self directed extincton.
I would ask to talk to the teacher/adviser. The GSA at my kid’s school is essentially all-trans, all the time. I would have tried to steer her clear if I’d known that.
I’m wondering what kind of gender therapists you may have dealt with because mine is incredibly thoughtful and fully aware that I’m having difficulty with my gender. He didn’t slap the trans label on me at any time and actually has helped me realize all the issues I have with myself and, probably, my sexuality. I wish more gender therapists were like him.
So one of the myriad of things I’d love to see is a resource list of therapists like yours. But the climate right now makes it difficult for such thoughtful therapists to “come out” publicly. In the US, there is immense pressure on therapists to simply accept at face value a client’s profession to be “trans.” In fact, there is a strong movement towards “informed consent” with no need for any sort of counseling at all. See here under ICATH Model:
http://www.icath.org/
My husband and I are considering finding a therapist online who would teach our daughter CBT skills to add on to her medication to help alleviate her anxiety and depression. We can’t find a single therapist in our area who will agree to do that without, once my kid announces she’s trans, dropping the CBT and going full-on talk therapy to focus on the sex identity issue. Something we’re trying to avoid.
Does anyone have any experience or info on that as an option? (We’re using CBT for my daughter with OCD and it’s already started being helpful to her. Unsurprisingly, since there are years of studies showing it has verifiable efficacy. And, I’m convinced that, at least in my daughter’s case, her fixation on identity is a very OCD-like deal.)
katiesan, regarding the OCD connection, I stumbled on this today. It’s a blog post by a trans person calling for research into the connection between OCD and gender dysphoria, arguing that at least in some cases, “transition” isn’t the answer, but a focus on other issues–particularly OCD–should be explored. Apparently this line of reasoning was initiated by a therapist who died about a decade ago. Food for thought?
http://transgenderartist.blogspot.com/2012/05/plea-for-study-of-ocd-gender-identity.html
I’ve actually been told that I have obsessive behaviors as part of my anxiety. There’s a little known type of OCD called obsessive thoughts OCD and I suspect that it’s part of what I’m going through.
4thwavenow, thanks for that link. Very interesting! I hope we hear about someone doing some research in this area, although I won’t hold my breath…
There are a few case studies where someone with OCD and gender dysphoria stopped having gender dysphoria after taking medication for OCD. However, it doesn’t always happen.
I have not seen any studies of using CBT for gender dysphoria. In general, therapists do not believe that talk therapy can get rid of gender dysphoria in adults.
Interestingly, one study found that 25% of the patients in their study with body dysmorphic disorder also had OCD; another 5-10% had had it at some point in their lives. You can read it here: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1613797/
Other studies have found that patients with eating disorders are at risk for OCD and patients with OCD are at risk for eating disorders.
The relationship between eating disorders and gender dysphoria is complicated and I’m still trying to figure out what the prevalence of eating disorders really is among people with gender dysphoria.
As always, I agree with the idea that we need more research.
I think the key issue here is not necessarily “getting rid of” gender dysphoria. It’s examining the causes and conditions that lead to GD. The current treatment paradigm operates from an assumption that GD is inborn, innate, immutable and therefore “transition” is the answer. But there is very little evidence that “transition” eradicates gender dysphoria, either. It’s glaringly obvious that many people with GD have other comorbid problems, OCD being just one of them for some. Yet it has become taboo to consider whether GD could actually be CAUSED by, or at least be seriously exacerbated by, these other disorders–along with a heaping helping of gender stereotype enforcement in childhood. When you look at all the research studies, then couple them with the constant media harping on “trans children” not liking the stereotyped activities, toys, clothing, or hairstyles of their natal sex, a picture starts to emerge: children with underlying mental health problems who are exposed to gender stereotypes start claiming they are “born in the wrong body.” Yet no one–NO ONE–is talking about this or attempting to research it. Like you, George, I want to see a lot more research. But if all any researcher does is endlessly look at correlation but shy away from even timidly talking about causation, it’s just going to be more grist for the trans mill. It’s all backwards. The researchers start from the position that the hypothesis of innate gender identity has been proven, when it absolutely has not been. So no one is asking the really difficult and politically incorrect questions. Until that changes, all we are going to see is more studies linking GD with other problems, but no attempt to really ask whether “transition” is the answer for these very troubled people.
Thank you so much for sharing your family’s journey with all of us. Like many here, I have a teenage family member who currently identifies as FTM transgender – the child of one of my siblings. Never would have had a clue that this would be ahead when she was a younger child…while encouraged to be non stereotypical by her feminist mom, she also really enjoyed a lot of “feminine” things. A little over a year and a half ago, she started identifying as non-binary and recently declared herself to be FTM transgender. This teen has serious mental health problems in addition to the gender identity issues.
One of the things that I see in common with a lot of these kids is the Tumblr association. It’s really scary to me, as the parent of a now-young-adult who struggled with eating disorders as a teen, and who found the “Ani” websites on Tumblr at the time. To me, it’s much the same with these trans-identifying teens, Tumblr is where many of them go for “support” and the prevailing view is to be hostile to those who either don’t understand or don’t agree with their decisions about identity. I also think that Tumblr is a place were dangerous activity can be normalized or even glamorized…the Ani kids not eating and viewing extreme thinness as beautiful, kids cutting, suicide attempts, etc.
I’m worried that my sibling and spouse have already agreed to allow their teen to begin hormones. Her face is wider, and her voice is deeper. I hope that things are not to the point where there’s no turning back. She’s still so young.
Welcome, crcuchick. What makes all this Tumblr mania especially hard is that anorexia was and is not something mental health providers, parents, or any other adult tried to normalize or support in any way. Yet these teens (so many of whom have the issues you mention in your niece) are pursuing all this with the full validation of doctors, psychologists, and the cheerleading media. I hope she hasn’t started “T” either but it’s never too late to put the brakes on. It will just be harder because it tends to be self-reinforcing, once they start, and they are egged on by all the other Tumblrites and YouTube transition vloggers. Transition looks like magic, and for a time, perhaps it feels that way, too. Best of luck to all the family. Has your sibling seen 4thWaveNow? It might give pause?
In response to 4thwave’s comments, it isn’t just OCD. Psychosis and borderline personality disorder are also co-morbid with transgenderism. The reason causation isn’t addressed as much as correlation is simply that causation is nearly impossible to prove.
True enough. But I notice many of the gender true-believers don’t have much trouble positing causation in the opposite direction, i.e., most of the time, it is assumed that the mental and emotional troubles experienced by trans-identified people are primarily side effects of “transphobia.”
Really? Your child doesn’t have to “pass” to be seen as male. Just grow up and learn to accept them. They might not even be binary trans, they might be genderfuid or something else, but you cannot, and I repeat /cannot/ judge someones identity by their presentation. Its just wrong.
I’m posting this comment because it is so emblematic of the mind-fucked environment our kids are being forced to navigate. And the gender-policed, tied-in-knots-illogic is worth deconstructing.
“Your child doesn’t have to ‘pass’ to be seen as male.” Uh huh. What is “being seen” as male other than conforming to a stereotype of what “male” is? She is a female. And even if she is “seen” by some people as male because she doesn’t fit some “feminine” stereotype, so what? That doesn’t change the reality that she is female. Fortunately, my daughter gets that now. You do not. What she has stopped doing is self-consciously attempting to conform to a caricature of what SHE thought was “male.” She’s just being herself, a teenaged girl.
“Just grow up and learn to accept them.” I do accept my child, who happens to be a “gender nonconforming” female. That’s the grown-up position. What’s transparently childish is swallowing the Gender Studies cult-speak that brainwashes people like you into thinking that wearing dresses and makeup on Monday, but jeans and a baseball cap on Tuesday, makes a female human “gender fluid” or “not-binary” trans or “something else.” Oh yeah, she might “be” one of the 50 Facebook identities, right? So many identities, so little time.
You use the verb “to be;” that she might “be” any of these identities. Thoughts and ideas inside your head aren’t equivalent to being. Reality is reality. Too bad so many people like you are wasting precious time parsing fictitious, self-generated “identities” vs. actually being in the world. You know, experiencing life and making some constructive contribution, instead of worrying about how some stranger’s daughter is “presenting?”
“You cannot judge someone’s identity by their presentation.” Hey, we agree on that. We all carry ideas of ourselves in our heads. I could have an identity all up in my head that I’m a theoretical physicist, even though my “presentation” is that I can’t put 2 + 2 together. That’s called delusion. Look, people can think anything they want. They can “identify” or “present” as whatever they like. They can fantasize about whatever they want. I’m not going to and can’t anyway interfere with someone’s internal ideas, or their choice of how to dress or behave, daughter or not. But that’s not the same as agreeing to someone’s demand that they need to cut off their breasts or poison themselves with testosterone to be themselves.
“That’s just wrong.” No, what’s “just wrong” is presuming to lecture someone about their own kid, about whom you have not the slightest clue. A kid who actually *has* got a clue, at least for now, about how ridiculous it is to claim that a female who happens to have a personality and interests outside the gender-policed reality you seem to inhabit is anything other than female.
My hope for her is that she maintains a sense of liberation from the incredible straitjacket of gender propaganda that previously caused her enormous unhappiness and confusion. My advice to you? (You seem to enjoy giving unsolicited advice to strangers, so hopefully you can take it). Spend some time examining the contents of your own head. Ask yourself how much of what you are spewing is the result of brainwashing vs. common sense. Then go outside and enjoy nature. A place that just is, unencumbered by human self-delusion.
The grip on the notion “once trans always trans” is incredibly strong, you know? It has to be some sort of crucial psychological self-defense strategy for folks like Rythian. So the logic is: If the person thought they were trans at some point and then decided not, it is only because they likely are STILL trans but have been forced to abandon this immutable “truth” by pressure from parents, society, whomever. To their detriment.
This “innate gender” principle is foundational to trans thinking, so that any person whose lived experience contradicts that — especially detransitioners — has to be either actively suppressed or dismissed somehow. (i.e. “they were never really trans.”)
Since what the “never really trans” detransitioners and the “really trans” persisters say about their pre-transition thought process is entirely similar, IMO it is pretty damned impossible to define “really trans” in any way, before irrevocable physical steps are taken. And as a parent, if you cannot at all parse out “really trans” from “transient idea” (because as far as I can tell NOBODY can parse this out) — ha, I dunno. You have to go “educate yourself” and “grow up,” I reckon. And just do what your kid demands, in the name of “acceptance.”
Yeah, sorry. Not going there. Adults get to choose. Kids for whom parents are responsible, that’s another story. You do your due diligence — in fact you DO “educate yourself” — and you discover what a complete house of cards the whole business is. And not a benign construction, either. Physically or psychologically.
Good Lord, so much time spent dwelling in self-analysis in this scenario. How on earth can anyone mired in this mindfck pay attention to their academic work, or anything else constructive in the world?
Ai yai yai.
Thank you for saying that you don’t have to “pass” to be respected.
This blog absolutely has pissed me off. To the people who have been saying that this whole Transgender thing is wrong and te people who identify as trans are only going through a phase, you have no idea about it. There are are thirty year olds who have identified as trans since they were old enough to understand that the gender of the their body did not match the one inside their head. I have identified myself as male before I barely knew what Internet was, I’d like to see you calling me ‘brainwashed’ by the internet. But at the age of twelve I was mildly obsessed over YouTube, I enjoyed watching YouTubers such as Smosh and Annoying Orange and etc. but I soon found a YouTuber that goes by the name of Alex Bertie, who has been identifying as male since he was fourteen; as of now he is 21 and personally goes and makes his appointments for his gender needs and hasn’t once had any doubts his doings. I’m currently fifteen, I do identify as male regardless of what my body is. Could I possibly change my mind in a couple years or even months? Possibly, I’m not going to say it’s impossible but you sure as hell aren’t going to find me doing it right now; wearing girls clothes or mildy looking like a girl? No, that sounds like absolute hell and feel sorry for the children who have to go through that now. Normally children go back to their birth gender because society says that what they’re doing is wrong, some children even commit suicide because of this horrible issue. It isn’t wrong. I’d like to see your reaction if you were somehow ‘magically’ put into a male/female body but were born male/female. Would you like that? Would you try your hardest to become the gender you know yourself as?
Children also do not wish to tell their parent they are trans because the fact they feel like they’re going to be rejected. Many children of the LGBT+ community are thrown into the streets or are still allowed at home but are abused because of this ‘issue’.
I’ve highlighted your comment in a blog post, Kenneth. Thanks for writing in. See here:
http://4thwavenow.com/2015/12/23/internalized-homophobia-teen-dysphoria-more-reader-comments/
Thank you! I realized that I was male at the age of eleven when I began to feel discomfort for my breasts and the expectation to express myself as female. For the longest time I tried really hard to be okay with myself and the role I was expected to play, because I liked boys, and didn’t know it was possible for guys to love guys. Also, when I told my mom, she told me to remain in the closet, because the world didn’t like people like me. But then the internet helped me discover that homosexuality was a thing, and I was finally able to behave and present myself in the way that made me happy. If it weren’t for the internet, I wouldn’t have been able to escape from the fake life I was living. I understand that you are concerned that your child is going to hurt themselves and permanently damage their body if you allow them to go down this path, but if they don’t get to figure that out for themselves, they will remain in a state of wondering and self hatred until they are allowed to break free. Your “daughter” may have appeared to return to normal, but this is likely just an act that “she” is putting on to make you happy. Your baby has learned that they cannot find support from you, so they will either wait until they are around people who will listen and provide help or give up. I hope they are okay, but you should know that the life of a closeted trans person is fake and miserable. Sending <3s their way!!!!
How little you understand of people you don’t know. We’ll have to agree to disagree about what constitutes a “fake” life. Good luck with yours.
I wish you love, acceptance and correct pronoun usage Kenneth.
I am happy your daughter has stopped pursuing the “I’m really a boy line”. I hope she continues to realize that the male-run medical industry cannot change her sex and that she has no need to poison herself with testosterone to be herself. I know the media is saturated with photo-shopped and pornified images of women and that the trans cult promotes the notion that performing femininity=female but it’s all a patriarchal con.
Also agreeing with people about tumblr. I had an account there in college and that place is a nightmare. It is truly entrenched in trans dogma and misogyny. Heaven forbid you suggest being a woman means having a female body or think you can speak without identifying with some sparkly gender label. The other thing is that parents should especially be aware of is that even blogs about anime and videogames almost always get entrenched with this stuff too. People turn their fandoms into sjw mouthpieces and if you don’t agree that [insert character here] is secretly trans then you are bad.
And yes, websites like tumblr still have those pro-anorexia blogs, although at least therapists don’t suggest liposuction for someone with that disorder.
My 16 yr old daughter came to me and told me she was trans. She was in tears, not happy about it at all. I, being new to this, called a couple therapists, ones that were lgbt friendly (unknowingly) and got an appointment right away. 45 minutes later the therapist confirmed my daughter’s claim. I was like, “Really? Are you sure?” The next meeting my daughter came out saying she could start T anytime. “Whoa, slow down,” was my response. I let them have one more meeting while I found another non-biased therapist who wasn’t immersed in the lgbt culture as much.
So, here I am 2 months later and my daughter is confident she is dysphoric. Now I’ve learned about Autism, Anxiety, OCD links to dysphoria and then I found your blog. It’s perfect, the support I need because honestly, all I found before were trans support groups. Nothing for parents except “Accept this because we say so” and if you questioned it you were labeled transphobic.
My concern is that my daughter has already been brain washed by the meetings with this therapist. I’m not letting her transition, especially as a minor, and i do plan to get her out volunteering more and away from Tumblr and Reddit as quickly as possible. I just worry it’s too late and she has already consumed too much Kool-Aid.
Wendi, while I’m sure that these therapy sessions didn’t do your daughter any favors, I don’t think it is too late for her to learn to be comfortable with her body. (I had a very similar situation with a therapist and my then 16 yr old daughter and now she no longer feels transgender.)
I think it is a good idea to keep your daughter busy and away from the internet as much as possible, though.
Glad you found us. I wish you luck reaching your daughter.
Thank you so much! Finding this site has been a god-send!
This whole blog I read with a heavy heart. My 13 year old daughter came out last spring that she was a transmale. I did get her binders to help with the dysphoria, I figured if I wear a girdle she can wear a binder. We all try and accomadate our bodies somehow. But everyday, she holds onto this tighter and tighter, I am afraid that I may never see my daughter again. I feel like I have experienced a death of a child. I try very hard not to argue about this with her, but I feel like we are missing so many other things because of it. I just hope one day I find myself in your shoes where she comes home to me. I don’t want this, but I don’t want to turn away either. I read all the stats on depression, suicide. My girl doesn’t have behaviour issues or ADHD, she has alway been a straight A student. I know every website says you did nothing wrong, but that’s not how I feel everyday. Maybe I let her have too much internet, or a cell phone, or didn’t say no enough. All I know is her first introduction was at school, and I now I find I cry everyday.
Shannon, thirteen is a tough age. A lot of hormone fluctuations, moodiness, peer pressure, and trying to figure out identities. Even if your daughter doesn’t have any mental health issues, she may have succumbed to this belief just by the friends she hangs around with at school or the company she keeps online. Being transgender is very popular right now.
The wonderful blog Transgender Reality documents how being transgender is encouraged if you reject sex role stereotypes. This is the kind of coaching your daughter may have stumbled upon.
http://transgenderreality.com/
Try not to blame yourself, this situation has come about due to social contagion. It has spread via social media and it has infiltrated pretty much everywhere. I’m not sure you could have prevented your daughter from exposure.
I wish you luck with your daughter. Not all hope is lost. She is still young. Hang in there.
I feel for you Shannon. And I’m right there with you, except my daughter is 16/almost 17. Her announcement came out of the blue. I was shocked and confused. This was 2 months ago and the more I’ve read and learned about both sides of the trans movement, the more I’m horrified and convinced that, while some kids are truly transgender from day one, many kids are searching. And they are being sucked into something they know nothing about. My daughter is such a good kid, always helpful, never disrespectful, academically motivated and ranked #1 in her early college high school. But I also know she has social anxiety, maybe some Aspergers, some OCD. We are getting all that evaluated next week. And while it is so easy to blame myself (too much internet, too much alone-time in her room) that isn’t going to help her now. I’ve bought the binders as well, but she now knows that’s where I draw the line as far as body modification. She knows we are going to work on the underlying problems.
I read something that really clicked for me and helps me explain it to her… I’m not sure where I read it though. Basically it said: The brain is telling the body something and instead of trying to correct the brain, the transgender movement is changing the body. That’s like saying that if your brain is telling you to hurt yourself, that’s okay, you should. Or if the brain is telling you that flying unicorns exist, they must.
It’s extreme, but so it changing your body to fit a voice in your head.
I hope that helps. It is frustrating seeing our kids struggle. But please, please know that you are NOT alone.
I might be FTM but I’m not sure. If been feeling this way for about a week. My mom has continued to say it’s just In my head. Know I just feel confused. Although I’m 12 now and ever since I was little I wanted to be a boy in games instead of a girl. I knew my older brothers would say no and laugh so I asked my little brother,” if I played as a boy would you laugh.” He said,”No.” I felt so happy and said promise don’t tell anyone. He promised and that secret has been kept for six years now. I still play as a boy in games. It is now Sunday and Last Monday I asked my best friend twice if we would be friends now matter what. She said yes both times. So at lunch I whispered in her ear I might be transgender. She looked a little confused I explained it a little. I’m not sure if she forgot what I said because she acts like nothing happened. She hasn’t brought it up or tried to help me so I’m not exactly sure what’s going on. She was my first friend and we’ve been friends since the first grade. My mom and friend are the only two people who know about my thoughts on that topic. Niether my friend or mom is really helping probably because they don’t know how. Well actually my mom has been trying to convince me its all in my head. Do you think if I ask for a gender therapist my mom will help me to find out if I’m trans or not?
Grace,
Thank you for your post here. I think you should continue to talk to your mom about how you feel. If you and your mom decide that seeing a therapist is the best thing for you, then I recommend NOT seeing a gender therapist. You want someone who will help you explore all of the different ways there are to be female, not just tell you that you should transition.
I also want to tell you that there is NOTHING WRONG with being a girl who pretends to be male characters when she plays. Many of us did it, and we grew up to be healthy women. Many boys do it, and they grow up to be healthy men.
I think the most important thing to remember is that you have time. You don’t have to decide anything now. You don’t have to label yourself. You can just be you. Find friends (girls and boys) with similar interests to yours. Some confusion about who you are is normal during your teen years. Give yourself time to mature, understand the world, and enjoy your teen years.
Sweet Grace … do not let ANYONE tell you you are not a girl because you prefer stereotypically ‘boy things.” You can dress the way you want to, play the games you want to, and honestly do whatever you want to that is not “girly.” These interests do not make you a “boy inside” or mean you are trans or should become an FTM person. You can play thousands of hours of video games as a male character and that does not make you trans.
We live in very confusing times. The number of young women exploring whether they are trans is exploding. In England there was a more than 1000% increase in girls (preteens and teens) being referred to gender clinics in just a few years. They can’t ALL be trans, Grace. This is a social-trend situation, not a situation that should be making you think something is really wrong with your female body. This is not the first trend situation that had the effect of making young women think there is something wrong with their bodies. From eating disorders to cutting, these trends have occurred because there is not enough reinforcement of the true fact that young women should not be put into these boxes, or be made to feel bad about themselves if they don’t fulfill stereotypes. (The boxes mostly exist to serve the needs and preferences of boys/men, but that is another subject.)
Back in the day, the world was a lot better at reinforcing the idea that your preferences and your personality are OK, and that these interests do not dictate your sex or your gender. Girls were encouraged to dream big and to aspire to whatever careers they chose, even those formerly ‘reserved’ for guys. These days the world seems to be working very hard to shove everyone into tight, stereotypical gendered boxes. There will be a backlash, eventually, but right now it is not a very good world for strong, young, non-princessy females. And it is so easy to go on-line and confuse yourself, and get confusing advice from anonymous people who will tell you you ARE trans if you have even thought about being trans. They will tell you you are trans if you like “boy” clothes and don’t like pink sparkly things and feel uncomfortable about your developing body.
But these people aren’t you, Grace. A lot of them commenting in online groups are grownups whose lives don’t resemble yours. And certainly, male or female, they don’t know you. Not like your family and your friends know and care about you.
A counselor may not be a bad idea, if you are feeling upset, but I’d caution both you and your mom against people advertising themselves as ‘gender counselors.’ These folks have been quite influenced by trans politics and, at least in the U.S., will generally not take a whole lot of time in helping you figure out if you are trans. Rather, if you say you think you are or might be, many of them will be more oriented toward paving a path toward your potential transition. In some other countries things go more slowly but in the States right now this is what is happening. It’s a controversial situation.
There’s nothing wrong with your body, dear one, and don’t let ANYONE tell you you need to change it, and try to halt your natural puberty, in order to continue enjoying the things you enjoy. FTM changes — the blockers, hormones, surgeries — are not proven to be at all safe for women. Most females have had a level of discomfort with their bodies as they change and grow. Eventually most of us come to appreciate our bodies, but it can take a long time and it can be hard/icky for a while. Be kind to yourself and realize you are not alone.
There have been girls who prefer “boy activities” living in the world since, forever. Just because you don’t see a lot of them in the media doesn’t mean they don’t exist. You are very young. Take a breath and concentrate on doing things you enjoy, having good times with friends and working hard in school. If you are feeling very upset, you can ask your mom about counseling, but … make sure it’s a good general counselor experienced in helping kids with all kinds of issues. You have lots of time to explore this. No need to rush into ‘identifying’ as anything. Just be Grace. Grace is more than enough.
Well, here I am too….Can’t believe it. My biggest worry is my son is 19 and a legal adult. He wants to take hormones. What can I do? Depressed, associating with others who have tremendous emotional issues and pretty bad upbringing. We are an intact family, middle class, private school, etc. Good thing is, he’s too depressed to work, so no money of his own.
any advice? I have seen one therapist and I am even more convinced this is like indoctrination and like a cult to fit in with a ‘tribe’.
this is an epidemic wave taking over the youth of America. once only the crisis of the impoverished but now the new normal of the affluent who have provided their children with unlimited access to the world wide web 24/7.
Also, I know the Dr. he went to see cannot give me information on him, but can I at least make an appointment and tell said Dr. about the confusion and depression as I see it in my son so that he will hesitate before giving him hormone therapy?
Yes, you can reach out and try to make an appointment. HIPAA applies to what they (the medical and psych team members) say, not to what you say. At worst, they will tell you “no”; that they aren’t interested in meeting with you, or in hearing your insights. I think you will feel better knowing you tried. Hope it goes well.