A few months ago, my teenage daughter stopped trying to “pass” as male. She dropped the self-defined-as-male uniform (emphasis on SELF), the stereotyped swagger and the fake-deepened voice and —moved on. Her fervent desire to be seen and treated as a boy (as opposed to a gender-atypical girl) faded away, just as other formerly unshakable ideas and urges had in the past. And our relationship has never been better.
Although I’ve allowed myself to exhale, just a little, she will remain at risk, because every sector of society—the media, the government, the schools, medicine and psychology–is now saturated with the message that if you’re a “gender nonconforming” girl–one who prefers the clothing, activities, and hairstyle more typical of the opposite sex– you just might actually be a boy.
What did I, and the other adults who love her, do? It hasn’t been easy. In fact, for a time it was a living hell, a purgatory of slammed doors, stony silence, yelling matches, and mostly—waiting.
There was no magic answer. We rode it out. I learned something about keeping my mouth shut. About saying my piece and then leaving it be. About living with uncertainty. We didn’t cater to demands for instant gratification. We paid for and encouraged activities that would get her out into nature and off the Internet. Mostly, we waited.
I drew a clear line in the sand: There would be no money to pay for a gender therapist, testosterone, or a binder. If she wanted to pursue those things at the age of medical majority, that would be her choice—and it would be on her dime. At the same time, I let her know that her clothing and hairstyle choices were hers to make. Further: I purchased the “men’s” clothing (including underwear), paid for the haircuts, supported all the other stuff she wanted to do or wear that is more “male typical.” Not always successfully, I tried to calmly and sparingly convey the message that however she dressed, whatever interests she pursued, she was a female—perhaps an unusual one, but a young woman nevertheless, who might someday become a role model to show other girls just how amazing and truly “gender-expansive” a woman can be.
Like many who read this blog, I phoned gender therapists during the weeks after her announcement that she was trans. Without even meeting my child in the flesh, all four of these therapists talked to me like this trans thing was a done deal. I wrote about one of those conversations here. One very friendly therapist, an FTM whose website stressed commitment to “informed consent,” assured me that there was no need for my daughter to first experience a sexual or romantic relationship before deciding whether she was trans. “Most of the young people just skip that step now,” the therapist said.
Skip that step? I thought back to my own adolescence. I didn’t even begin to have a clear idea of who I was, as a sexual being, until after I’d had more than one relationship. It took years for me to come to know my body’s nuances and intricacies, its capacity for pleasure, how I might feel in relation to another. [Update: for lesbian youth in particular, this process can be a long one, on average not complete until one’s early 20s]
This same therapist signed my kid up for a “trans teen” support group scheduled for the following week—again, without ever having met her. “There’s nothing you or I can do about your daughter being trans,” said another therapist… on the phone, without having met my kid. Yet another therapist refused to talk to me at all; insisted she’d have to have a private appointment with my kid first.
Contrary to the myth promulgated by the transition promoters, at least in the United States, there is no slow and careful assessment of these kids who profess to be trans. The trend is to kick out the gatekeepers, and move towards a simple model of “informed consent”: If you say you’re trans, you are–no matter how young and no matter when you “realized” you were trans.
All these therapists seemed well meaning enough. They believed they were doing the correct thing. But with each conversation, I felt more and more uneasy. My gut feeling that something wasn’t right led me to research, to question…to put the brakes on. And the more I read, and thought, and understood, the more determined I became to find an alternative. I started this blog out of sheer desperation. I needed to find someone, anyone, who understood what I was going through. I needed other parents to talk to—badly.
My kid never did go to a gender therapist. Never did sit in a room full of “trans teens.” If she had, I feel certain she’d be sporting a beard right now.
When I first started blogging, I got a lot of hate mail. In every anonymous drive-by comment, the hater referred to my “son” who would grow up to hate my guts. “He” would surely commit suicide, and more than one of them wished me a lifetime of misery when that inevitably happened. Even the mildest posts resulted in hostile reblogs from strangers who had not the slightest idea of my family’s situation.
At first, these anonymous barbs stung, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that I could rely on my inner parental compass. Because, see, I know my daughter. I knew, when she suddenly began spouting the gender-policed jargon planted in her head by Tumblr trans activists, that this wasn’t who she really was. This was a girl who, all through childhood, was never “gender conforming” but who was secure in herself because I’d made sure she knew, via my words and my example, that girls could be and do anything.
Most of all, I knew she needed me—not to blindly “support” and give in to her every demand, but to simply BE THERE, even as a limit; a steady place she could push and rail against. It was scary, and painful, being on the receiving end of teen outrage. Because a teenager does have the right to make some of their own decisions. Later adolescence is a time of individuation, dawning adulthood. Haranguing or lecturing not only gets you nowhere, it isn’t fair. Negotiation is probably the most important parenting skill when it comes to high-school-aged youth. And no parent gets it right all the time. (Paradoxically, part of being a halfway decent parent is knowing how imperfect you are at the job.) But one thing became more and more clear to me: my child did not need a parent who would collaborate in sending her down a road to being a permanent medical patient. In fact, she needed protection from the very same people who were sending me hate mail on Tumblr.
Not so long ago, child and adolescent psychologists—people who actually study the development of young human beings—were frequently cited and quoted. These experts, as well as every other rational adult, were well aware that kids shift identities: try this one on, shed it like a snake skin, try on another. Younger kids go through a long and wonderful period of make believe and magical thinking. They are actually convinced they ARE the identity they try on. And adolescents are renowned for trying on hairstyles, belief systems, clothing styles—only to discard them after a few weeks, months, or maybe even years.
In contrast to today’s social-media-fueled paradigm, when a kid’s announcement that they are the opposite sex is taken at face value by seemingly everyone around them, it was previously understood that adults were largely responsible for the inculcation of gender stereotypes into children’s minds. Children aren’t born hating their sexed bodies. They only grow to reject themselves when someone they look up to promotes the idea that their likes and dislikes in clothing, toys, activities, or other pursuits are seen as incongruent with their natal sex.
A child’s burgeoning sense of self, or self-concept, is a result of the multitude of ideas, attitudes, behaviors, and beliefs that he or she is exposed to. The information that surrounds the child and which the child internalizes comes to the child within the family arena through parent-child interactions, role modeling, reinforcement for desired behaviors, and parental approval or disapproval (Santrock, 1994). As children move into the larger world of friends and school, many of their ideas and beliefs are reinforced by those around them. A further reinforcement of acceptable and appropriate behavior is shown to children through the media, in particular, television. Through all these socialization agents, children learn gender stereotyped behavior. As children develop, these gender stereotypes become firmly entrenched beliefs and thus, are a part of the child’s self-concept.
… Often, parents give subtle messages regarding gender and what is acceptable for each gender – messages that are internalized by the developing child (Arliss, 1991). Sex role stereotypes are well established in early childhood. Messages about what is appropriate based on gender are so strong that even when children are exposed to different attitudes and experiences, they will revert to stereotyped choices (Haslett, Geis, & Carter, 1992).
We have people like this: the mother of a six-year-old girl who has “transitioned” to male, writing storybooks to indoctrinate kindergartners. To suggest to them that they, too, might really be the opposite sex:
“Can the doctor have made a mistake? Was I supposed to have been born a boy? Am I the only kid in the world like this?”
Deep down, Jo Hirst had been anticipating these questions. And she knew she had to get the answers right.
It was bedtime, and her six-year-old was curled up on her lap. Assigned female at birth, from 18 months of age Hirst’s son* had never wanted to wear female clothing and always played with boys.
I challenge anyone to find me a single account of a “transgender child” which does NOT resort to talking about toys, hairstyle, clothing, or play stereotypes to justify the diagnosis of “trans” in a young child.
Our kids are being cheated of the opportunity, the breathing space, to simply explore who they are without a gaggle of adults jumping in to interfere with the process by “validating” their frequently transient identities. Kids are being encouraged to freeze their sense of self in a moment in time, during the period of life when everything is in flux. And even though key researchers have said over and over again that most gender dysphoric kids “desist” and grow up to be gay or lesbian; even though the latest research denies any such thing as a “male” or “female” brain, parents are encouraged to socially transition their kids, put them on “puberty blockers,” and refer to them by “preferred pronouns.”
For very young children, this cementing of the child’s identity in a period when they most need the freedom to simply play and explore—to “make believe”—is essentially stunting the child’s development.
Young children go through a stage where it is difficult for them to distinguish reality from fantasy. Among many other things, it’s why we have ratings on films. A young child can’t understand that the monster onscreen is not real.
Research indicates that children begin to learn the difference between fantasy and reality between the ages of 3 and 5 (University of Texas, 2006). However, in various contexts, situations, or individual circumstances, children may still have difficulty discerning the difference between fantasy and reality as old as age 8 or 9, and even through age 11 or 12. For some children this tendency may be stronger than with others.
Just exactly what is motivating doctors and psychologists to jettison decades of research and clinical practice in favor of a completely unsubstantiated and unproven hypothesis of “transgender from birth”? The glib answer is: suicide. But if a gender nonconforming youth expresses the desire to self harm, encouraging that youth to further dissociate from their whole selves (because the body and mind, contrary to the bleating of trans activists, are not separate units, but a whole) is not a responsible way to support mental health. As this commenter said in a recent post on GenderTrender:
Wow. Conservatives aren’t the only ones who suck at science. Brain sex? Seriously? If you’re allegedly born in the wrong body, why doesn’t your brain count as part of the “wrong body”? Your brain is telling the truth but the rest of your body is a liar? Wtf? This shit is as sensible as scientology.
Teens often pick up on cues and assimilate ideas presented in movies/films viewed in the movie theater and other sources, (online sources for watching movies now eclipse movie theater viewings or film DVD rentals for teens), and while teens already understand the difference between fantasy and reality, they may still absorb or become attached to ideas that are powerfully presented in films but that have no basis in reality, the teen not having enough experience or knowledge to sort propaganda from fact, fiction from reality. Films, television programs, music and statements from celebrities can [and do] become a part of the thinking and emotional/psychological makeup of teens and children.
This used to be a “duh” thing. Are teens influenced by what they imbibe, what’s in fashion, what celebrities (like Jazz Jennings and Caitlyn Jenner and Laverne Cox) are doing, what their peers are saying and doing? Might socially isolated teens be even more swayed by what they see on social media, while they sit for hours, alone in their rooms?
“Facebook depression,” defined as emotional disturbance that develops when preteens and teens spend a great deal of time on social media sites, is now a very real malady. Recent studies have shown that comparisons are the main cause of Facebook depression; the study showed that down-comparison (comparing with inferiors) was just as likely to cause depression as up-comparison (comparing with people better than oneself).
…Other risks of extensive social networking among youth are loss of privacy, sharing too much information, and disconnect from reality.
My daughter, like so many others I’ve now heard about, emerged from months of self-imposed social isolation and YouTube/Reddit binges, to announce, out of the blue, that she was transgender. And simply for questioning this, for refusing to hop aboard the train, I’ve been labeled a “child abuser” of my “son”? Until the last few years, parents who recognized that teens go through phases weren’t considered abusive. They were considered well informed.
Not so long ago, parents and helping professionals neither interfered with nor bolstered a particular identity that a kid was trying on. Everyone understood this was an important part of growing up: to allow our young to experiment, to see what worked and what didn’t. It’s called the development of a self. It takes years. It’s not even complete at 21. The self doesn’t emerge, fully formed and immutable at birth. It develops in response to experience, to love, and to adversity.
Given my own daughter’s desistence from the idea that she is or was ever “transgender,” I feel even more strongly that parents are right to resist the push by every sector of society to identify “gender dysphoric” minors as “trans.” Yes, some of these young people may go on to identify as the opposite sex; some will seek medical transition. But what the current atmosphere has done is rob them of the crucial time they need to figure it all out. Medical transition was once a rare, adult-only decision. I’m in favor of a return to that more reasonable approach to the matter.
So you bet I’m going to keep doing what I can to support parents who want to at least delay an adolescent’s decision to permanently alter body and mind with hormones and surgeries. You bet I’m going to try to save my own kid from what amounts to a cult that won’t let you leave if you change your mind, without serious social consequences. You bet I’m going to continue to protect my daughter and others like her from a lifetime of difficulty, from the rapacious medical industry that is profiting from the regressive resurgence and marketing of gender stereotypes.
You can also bet that I’m going to continue shedding light on the frankly insane practice of labeling very young children as transgender, conditioning them as preschoolers to believe their own bodies are somehow wrong and alien, that they must undergo teasing and torment from other children, that they must wear prosthetics to amplify or hide their own genitalia to be accepted as they are. Or just as bad: That the entire world must be browbeaten into redefining biological reality such that “some girls have penises” and “some boys have vaginas.”
And this work is not just about protecting kids. It’s also about supporting family members and friends who are deeply affected by the transgender narrative. Extremist trans activists, the media, the doctors and psychiatrists–none of them talk about the terrible damage done to the family system, to the fabric of close relationships, when a child “transitions.” All the activists have to say is that the skeptical parents and loved ones are “transphobes.” No one talks about the fact that the majority of these dysphoric kids would grow up to be gay or lesbian adults if not interfered with; adults with healthy, intact bodies, not dependent on drugs and carved up by surgeons’ knives.
So we have to keep talking about it. We have to keep the lights on in our corner of the Internet, even if only to document this strange medical and cultural fad for future historians.
Thanks to everyone who is traveling this road with me. While I know we often feel swamped and hopeless, we have each other for strength and courage. And for now, that will have to be enough.
We are broken. There is no one to talk to.
We trusted the Christian College we sent our son to. I encouraged him to get counseling for his lack of ability to concentrate, lack of confidence, and anxiety. They farmed the therapy out to an outside counselor and now he tells me he is a woman. He has already started hormones.
The articles say that if he is supported and affirmed in his decision, that there is “ONLY” a 25% chance that he will attemp suicide. If we don’t support and affirm his decision, they say there is a 50% chance that he will attempt suicide. This can only end badly.
THERE IS NO ONE TO TALK TO! Everyone buys into this and we are the haters for not embracing his sickening, brainwashed decision. I see no joy in our future any more.
How do I find someone to talk to?
Dear Dwight,
We all understand your heartbreak. Ours are also broken and we are trying hard to maintain some hope that things will turn around as deceit is exposed.
I know firsthand the pain of watching your child spiral full force into horrific choices and also
The anger at those in a position to provide help yet they cause great harm to our children.
Please do try to find a supportive ear.
I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s an evil situation, but do not give up
Hope.
Dwight I am so sorry. Please know that you are not alone. There are many who do not believe any of this nonsense and there are hundreds if not more parents who are in the same place as you, angry, upset not buying any of it. I don’t know where you are but can you not get your son out of there? I would suggest you seek legal help to get your son out if you can. Don’t even talk to those awful people who are calling you a hater. Don’t engage those self-righteous embeciles. They will only make it worse – that includes idiot relatives.
Many of us have had our sons/daughters affirmed as trans on the first visit to a clinic. It’s insanity. You are not wrong. You are not crazy. There are many doctors who have worked in this field for many years and are speaking out against this. Please get onto twitter using a name other than your own and go to @4thwavenow and you will see many followers and articles about this.
I don’t know if your son has gender dsyphoria (the condition that makes people think they are in the wrong body) but it sounds like they put it on him. They talk these kids into it and then the kids will start to tell you that they are in the wrong body and always were. It’s all bullsh*t. They re-invent their childhood and you are left in a gas-lighted stunned state. Your son had a lot of anxiety issues which is not uncommon for these young people to be told they are transgender. Know this- every young person who gets dragged into this has co-morbid issues (anxiety, depression, anger, borderline personality disorder, and autism). Many of us consider it to be cult-like but you are probably already seeing it.
Even if you son loses his year I would try to get him out of there and if you can find a therapist who will work with him it may help. One therapist on twitter @LisaMarchiano would be helpful to follow. She is American. I am assuming you are too. (I am Canadian). Another person you can reach out to one twitter is @iforgetalready a man who transitioned and then de-transitioned. I believe he works in medicine. Very nice and knowledgeable. Goes by the name Angus on twitter.
Know this: Gender Dysphoria is a mental disorder. It is not normal or okay. Men cannot transition into women. They can only become mutilated men. I tell you this because as long as you know this you cannot be hoodwinked into believing your son is a woman. He is not. These people are damaging him and our society has been lied to.
There are some excellent videos done by Dr. Oren Amitay
Just to show you that you are not alone:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbaCYgCC5-o&feature=youtu.be
Here is one with Dr. Ray Blanchard. It will be a lot to try to understand but just hear the part where he insists that it is a mental illness and in very rare cases someone transitioning might be okay (after years of therapy).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eD9H2QAg7N8s
Last one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yp2oS67PmR0&t=19s
(Listen to Dr. Hirsh)
The threat of suicide is real but over rated. It appears they are schooled in using it to control their parents. Expect anger and lies too.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
My thoughts and prayers are with all of you, in hope that you become more educated on the topic and maybe not be so insistent on what your child is or isn’t.
Actually Alice our thoughts are with you and your ilk who need to be more educated. Our prayers are that God forgives you for feeding lupron and cross sex hormones to children sterilizing them before the age of 20 and promoting the cutting off of healthy body parts.
Actually I’m not telling the truth. I hope he doesn’t forgive you.
Dwight —
In addition to the comments already posted, wanted to point out that there is a large on-line support community at:
gendercriticalresources.com/Support/
More than 600 members now, which is a sadly high number considering that the forum has not actually existed for very long.
It’s a good, nonjudgmental place where you will be able to be in dialogue with parents who know a lot about what you are going through.
Good to know this. In light of the fact that statistics show transsexuals are only supposed to be 0.03% of the population then this would be a massive number of members. However because enlightened parents can see it as a sick social contagion it explains why it is such a fast membership. Let us all hope to see a quick end to this insanity.
I have a 22 year old son. Who never once showed any signs if wanting tonbeva girl. While growing up. But in his twenties he moved in with his girlfriend who’s sister is a transgender male. He has broke up with her and has returned home. He says he was raped by a male felt like committing suicide several times. He was then put on medication to help his depression. Sometime later he tell me he is a transgender and feels like he is a female. The social workers he seen but him into a online suport group and no talks with a transgender community and had deserted the friends he had growing up and spend most of his time online talking with them. I have read some of his messages and one person he talks with had a lot of red flags that make me think he is also in contact with some one who is a sexually predator. I have talked to some local concellors and the just tell me I am in denial. I don’t think is the case if it turns out my son is truly a transgender I will support him in anyway I can. Right now I am walking a fine line with supporting him with his choose as to what to wear. But not making any appointment for him to see counceller because all the want to talk about is how to turn him into a girl. They want to put him on drugs without even helping deal with his other emotion issues. The fact that he was raped by a male does not even come up. Not only that as a child in school he was bullied a lot. I am worried that the people who are suppose to be helping him are just leading him into only one path that he is decently trans. Just because he say he is
My gut is telling me he is not. He choose to take truck driving for his career choose and really seemed to like it when he done it. He always like things like guns and fires and still shows no interest in girl type activities. He has make up and 90 percent of the time he does not even wear it. I am so confused as how to help him. Right now I just assume home that I love him no matter what his choices are. But I don’t have the money to help him financially so there I tell him he is on his own. I leave it up to him to make appointment to see the psychologist. Which he hardly ever goes. He seems to be getting most of his advise from the transgender community he us online with. MY question is what do I turn as a parent to get the right help for my son. Someone that will help him with his emotional issues as well as the trans issues. All I want is what is best for him. Any help would be helpful I wish I new how to talk to him about it thank you for lessoning.
All the ‘forces’ that want or need to destroy the societal norms had to do was convince most of the public that something called “transgender” actually exists. How can you say, “I believe the need for ingesting blood actually exists, but not for MY son” – then not expect a movement intent on creating vampires would rob you of your rights to control the outcome. [sorry, the only example I could think of on the fly] Not that a parent doesn’t have influence, but look at how politicians, educators, psychologists, and hollywood/media have quickly learned that the shortest route to unemployment is to question the Trans-cult movement. Everyone is quiet.
There are VERY FEW people can challenge the legitimacy of this movement without personal destruction. [Another bad example: Just like there are VERY FEW who could have challenged the legitimacy of Rachel Dolenz’s race – without being branded.] Since Bruce Jenner is a “hero” – I guess the only “hero for reality” can be a famous trans-cult member who has escaped and realized it was a lie. We may never have one of those.
My daughter has figured out those accepting her ‘trans-delusion’ are also those same people who don’t challenge her, assign homework, follow rules, or burden her with the harsh realities of life. We only have some control due to the fact she is ‘dependent’ on us for now. If your adult-child is out of the house and independent, then they are surely lost. And it’s tough, because if you show the type of support and love that can truly bring them back one day…that is also the same type of support and love which might lead them to believe they are on the right track.
I’m walking that line right now.
There are plenty of folks with zero understanding with barrels of advice also. Not sure where I fall…..
God Bless and good luck to you.
So beautifully said. Add to it that parents are also silenced because they are in a quiet battle with their son/daughter asking them to realize they are caught up in a trans cult net and stay anonymous to protect them and their familes. But we must keep trying in any way we can. Thank you so much good luck to you. I am fighting the same battle.
Hi there! I am so happy to have run into your site. My daughter is 7 years old and since about 3 or 4 she’s insisted on wearing boys clothes. When she plays pretend she is always the dad or when she plays video games, she creates a male avatar. Still, she has not asked to cut her hair..it’s still long and ALWAYS in a pony tail. We let her wear whatever she wants, mostly i try my best to keep it looking neutral but other times i give in to the transformers and lego shirts. I always insist that she can do anything boys can do, but God has given male and female their own natural superiority. She seems to understand this more and more everyday that it’s ok to be a girl and wear boys clothing. we don’t judge her and i try not to put a label on things. However, on special occasions I stress that she will have to wear something out the ordinary because she musn’t forget that she can be both beautiful and tough! I wont give in to the transgender thing at such a young age. Their brains are still developing and they dont know who they are yet..heck, i didnt even know who i was until about 30! All i can do is try to keep her as comfortable as possible without judgement and remind her that she is loved and special and can always come to me to talk openly about anything.. I pray everyday that she accept and love herself for who she is..nothing can ever change her DNA no matter how many horomones she takes. I am sorry if anyone finds my words offensive i am not trying to hurt anyone, but I just believe there’s another way..
No reason anyone would be offended or hurt by your words. Just pray she stays off the Internet, T.V., and all media sources…because the Trans-Cult movement spoken of on this blog…gives NO room for little girls and women accepting their bodies. Rather, the new mission is to convince all young people gender is simply a social construct that can be changed with drugs and surgery. The Trans-Cult has no pity, no morality, no accountability, and no empathy. 20 years ago, just encouraging your child in their differences and supporting their uniqueness was absolutely the way. Remember the term “tom boy”? Not trying to worry you, but just saying this is NOT the same world. 20 years ago a “contagion” like that being spread by the Trans-Cult movement had to ‘sneak’ into your neighborhood, your school, and many other tight knit community organizations…which was nearly impossible…but NOW…all it needs is you to hand your kid the Internet on an iPhone, but even if you don’t – they are in school with 200 other kids who DO have them. PLUS…those ‘protective’ community organizations have now been liberalized and are being ‘sued’ for taking a stand on biological facts, like gender. Monitor EVERYTHING she has access to on the Internet. I assure you, THEIR content is much more interesting, engaging, and accepting than you can ever be – plus they have the ability to get more time with your kid than you have. Good luck.
You have a very good attitude. Please know that there is an up to 95% chance that you daughter will come out of this confusion. DO NOT allow anyone to tell you differently. There are many that will try to talk you into believing that your child needs to be affirmed. There is a great BBC show called “Transgender Kids Who Knows Best”. It talks about Dr. Kenneth Zucker who is a leading researcher on transgender kids. Trans-activiist bullied him and many other out of their jobs but he does not affirm children and had his practice for 30 years. Please try to find it only. Or just tweet @4thwavenow and one of the followers will direct you to it.. Please spend some time following @4thwavenow and you will find the answers that are not to affirm your child. I was very much a tomboy when I was young but grew out of it like so many other women. Good luck to you and your lovely daughter.
Keep telling your truth. I have a friend who loves sports but knows she is a strong tough girl. You are a great parent, keep ut up.
Just this weekend my almost 15 year old daughter randomly announced she thinks she has gender dysphoria. Nothing prior to this. She’s always been tomboy like but also likes makeup, pink, stuffed animals etc. She has two friends that are “transitioning” that are the same age and apparently their parents allow hormone therapy!? I feel like these friends are influencing her. I feel like there would have been signs that she had this condition. It can’t come out of no where! She is saying she has felt this way for a while but why where there no signs? She told a teacher this week and this teacher is already calling her a he. I am trying to be supportive because I don’t want to push her away but my gut just tells me that this isn’t her. 🙁 I am lost and no longer feel like a good parent. She even made an announcement on Facebook today! I feel like it’s a train wreck.
Your gut is right. These friends are influencing her. Keep her away from them as much as possible and monitor her phone and internet. You can support her by saying you understand that she is confused, but that there is no way of becoming another sex and show her all of the side effects of these hormones. Don’t bring her to any therapist who will affirm her, most will. You have to vet them very well. I think you should also talk to her school. I have found out recently that the high school that my daughter used to attend is now getting many parents coming in to complain about this. You have to go in there and state your case.
Good luck!
In addition to Dorothy’s great advice, I suggest going to TransgenderTrend to download and print out their school resource booklet. Then, present a copy of it to your daughter’s teachers, school counselors and administrators, and pass along the web address so the school can download and print out more copies. Well meaning education professionals have no idea the harm they are doing to kids by immediately affirming kids who are likely just riding a trend rather than actually being at risk for lifelong dysphoria. I’m not sure where you are located; the resource pack is written with the UK in mind, but the advice is easily transferable to any school, anywhere. I believe a US version is in the works, but if you are in the US, I don’t recommend waiting. Get the information to your school ASAP. You’ll be helping your own child and likely many others. https://www.transgendertrend.com/transgender-schools-guidance/
age 14/15 is hellish for girls and the age many natal females start toying with the notion that they’re trans, apparently. At least, mine did.
Join this board for supportive discussion with other skeptics such as yourself:
gendercriticalresources.com/Support/
So sorry. We ALL have gender dysphoria, which is why the ‘net’ they are throwing is so perfect. It’s like the depression commercials: “Do you sometimes feel sad? Do you have a pulse? Do you wonder about things?” – then you might be suffering from depression. We live in a world now where kids are overrun with garbage, junk input, social media vomit, regular media & political tactics to scare and divide, and they’re pulling back…
…but even if they weren’t pulling back. It’s the perfect “commercial” those Trans-cult characters. It’s the perfect commercial: “Do you sometimes feel sad? Do you sometimes feel judged? Do you sometimes wish you were somebody else? Have you ever wanted a ‘blue’ pen, instead of a ‘pink’ pen? Well, most likely you are the wrong gender…and as you can see by what the media, politicians, a famous athlete [now dubbed an American hero], and all the scientists in the world [don’t fact check this]…Trans is now a REAL thing and you need to get help before you kill yourself, since you have a 40% chance of suicide!!”
I mean. Perfect campaign. First you must believe there is something called Transgender. You do this with a few “hero” representatives. You must believe outside of medical diagnosis, there is a hidden condition just now being discovered that has NO indicators and no signs via testing. No problem – the false facts are ALL over media, and leadership in all forms is avoiding controversy and attack by going along or staying silent. Then you create the impression of a beaten, enslaved, tortured class of people – but you only use kids as the face of them. Condemn parents, and force accountability for potential suicides – put the kids in control knowing you have a way to get false information & resource media right into their hands. Then you use a bill designed to put money toward a disease – stick your “T” on the back of the LGB – and start getting some social media blitz going. Convince he gay movement, the Trans-cult is just as important, if not more, because barriers will fall when the mainstream realizes the “this is much worse” concept – so basically gives the full nod to anything on the gay agenda. Then, you make the Trans-cult not only cool – supported – and IN – but you make it essential for happiness and life for anybody you can ‘net’ into the fold. All the while in parallel, making connections that don’t exist between racial strife, women’s movements, and gay marriage controversy.
It’s a dismal tide. It’s a shame the people that warned me about this YEARS ago – were people I didn’t like very much.
Rachel you are a great parent. This is a social contagion – a sick fad. The fact that she has two friends who are transitioning is proof of how messed up everything is. In truth only 0.03% of the .population have transitioned (notice I have not said they are truly trans) so 3 of them is like the odds of winning a lottery. This is being called ROGD Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria. Just don’t give an inch on it. Don’t agree that it possible for girls to become boys. They can only become mutilated girls. Refuse to call her anything but her name and look up many of the girl who detransitioned or changed their mind. Give her articles that talk about how girls sometimes feel unhappy as girls but wake up to the fact that they can be who they want. @4thwave.com has many of these stories. You are not alone. Once last bit of advice I would keep this very quiet if you can. That way it is easier for her to back down. Also family and some friends will upset you but buying into it. Shut down all conversation with them but do so quietly. You don’t need the grief right now. Circle the wagons – your family is in danger. Don’t let anyone tell you any of this is normal and stay away from the school teachers. They are indoctrinated into this transcult.
Solid advice. Not sure why I haven’t been able to like posts, but I upvote this with my comment.
Thank you!
Going through same with my 13 year old daughter. The past year she unknowingly spent tons of time on the internet “researching” and chatting with god know who about trans and gay. While I have no problem with her being gay if she continues that path, she showed NO indication of gender confusion until she hit puberty and was on the internet too much. Always into girl stuff although not princess girly. Not into boy clothes or boy toys at all. Now she is trying to manipulate us with language she learned, suicide threats, and has depression and anxiety from all this confusion. She is seeing a counselor who is not trying to indoctrinate her but I feel just seeing the counselor gives her fuel and status at school. We moved across country so she is new at her school and trying to create an identity. I am so upset about the influence the internet had in her. Interestingly enough, s friend of hers at school is also “confused”. What are the chances? My husband and I are totally distraught with trying to help her. She’s totally cut off from the internet and we’re hoping after some time away and her body and mind matures she will pull out of this.
Hi Sarah, I just wrote some advice to Rachel on this thread a few days ago as she is in the same situation as you. I am shocked that trans is trendy but it is. Good you have a therapist who is not trying to affirm her. You should read my comments and follow many @4thwavenow. Many moms with your dilemma. Also look up @LisaMarchiano and @LilyLilyMaynard and StephanieDavies-Arai @cwknews. She has an excellent blog http://transgendertrend.com.
Good luck to you. Don’t give an inch on this trend.
Sarah, so sorry to hear. So familiar to me now. Four years ago I scoffed at the “phobic nature” of a sermon I heard, touting the dangers of the ‘gay’ agenda as if it was somehow intertwined with this great conspiracy to redefine marriage, eliminate gender, and generate a recruitment process for a cult movement calls transgender. Not only did I scoff, but I even counseled my kids at how ‘paranoid’ the perspective was. 18 months ago I was caught off guard, and now feel like a buffoon.
Somehow, I’d been brainwashed into thinking I was a “hater”, a “phobic”, a parent ignorant of the strength of young people to adapt to the realities of a progressive, inclusive society. Suddenly, I was wondering why society had all these horrible thought boundaries, biases, and restrictive thinking. Heck, who cares who uses the toilet? Right? Plus, there are only 1 or 2 of ‘these people’ running around, and now way people will take this seriously, right? Hello?
Suddenly, some cross-dresser named Bruce is a “hero”. Tortured and segregated ‘tran-kids’ all over the world are being saved, parents are being told legal action is in the works if they try to ‘stop’ their kids from ‘realizing their true selves’ – and a statistic is invented [and falsely I realize now applied to children] that trans kids are killing themselves left and right. They’re on talk shows, in the news everyday, taking over all the “Pride” pages at all the schools…it’s a bit incredible the speed this contagion has spread. Also, there is an idea being spread on social media, in real media, and by politicians that anybody who speaks up, will be destroyed. They’ve quickly made talking negative about the imaginary mainstream ‘transgender’ condition as ‘life destroying’ as raising a single negative word against the gay movement.
It’s an idea, once planted, is incredibly sinister and darn near impossible to dislodge – and unfortunately – the LGBT movement is basically talking a lesson from the last few winning political campaigns and OWNING the message on social media, the real media, and the politicians. Young people have no direction they can turn to hear a voice offering a logical alternate, once they’ve heard [and can’t un-hear] the brainwashing of the Trans-Cult.
Well, only one direction. Parents. Parents who’ve been forced to say “Gay is ok, but this trans thing…” and don’t realize, due to NO fault of their own, they’ve already given up most of the field and this movement OWNS the referees.
It’s a dismal tide.
You speak the truth so elegantly. Everything you have said is true. Many of us parents are barely coping. The other day I Googled “Am I crazy” due to the amount of stress I feel and my inabiltity to stay focused on anything. The answer was yes. I pretty much ticked all the boxes. But we still must be strong. We must stay on social media and we must be braved. Despite my recent self-diagnosis I do see more and more people speaking out especially and finally physicians and therapist. Not a lot but the tide is slowly turning. And at home we must speak out that we were wrong and this ideology is the equivalent of a cult, a damn government sponsored cult. We have to do this because there is no other choice in front of us. Thank you my unseen, unknown friend. As you know there are an army of us out here.
I absolutely agree! Thank God, there are logical people like you!
I was also thinking that if it is a fact that the environment changes not only the way people think but also the shape of the brain itself, it is obvious that children are simply influenced by the sick environment in our society.
My 17 yr old son said he was gay when he was in 7th grade. November of 2017 he told me he is non binery so he doesn’t identify as male or female. He started seeing a therapist in December for his depression and anxiety issues because ALL of his friends have a therapist and are on some sort of medication…..I guess he felt left out! He wanted to talk to a therapist his other friends see so I allowed it. Now it’s March and he has decided that he is still not identifying as male or female but he wants his penis removed and he wants to take female hormones but he claims not to be transgender!!!!! This old hag therapist has helped to promote this idea and never once spoke to me regarding his depression and anxiety. H has self diagnosed himself with the help of this old hag as having body dysphoria. He plans on somehow getting the hormones and the surgery of which I absolutely do not agree with. Mutilating body parts is my line in the sand so he is living with grandma for the last 4 weeks! What is wrong with these therapists??? I will never accept this ever! For all I know this hag is giving him hormones! Help!
My father used to say, “Keep moving your ‘line in the sand’ and eventually you have nothing.”
All this capitalist propaganda is so morally corrupted and because children are most supectible for propaganda, such a movement is no surprise. Just imagine the $$ which are made by all the Therapists, Surgeons and Hormone-Producers! It never was about patients feeling better, but rather the rich getting richer; when one area is exploited, they move on to another. There surely EXIST Transgender people, because as some ancient philosopher once said: “Everything we come up with, we already have seen in reality”, but this is a damn rare condition, and mostly such people WILL have their life as they want, when they are adults and defy all odds – but those people, such as Alan L. Hart, indigenous Two-Spirits or even Jeanne D’Arc, which are true historical examples, are very rare, less than 1 in 50 000 individuals. Same with depression or ADHD; other very lucrative “illnesses”, which are now diagnosed in more than two thirds of the population. If these sicknesses are so debilitating, could someone explain me, how this genetic conditions did not led to the extinction of mankind? Today there persists something like a “Gender Apartheid”, which is utterly sick doublethink (yes I mean this the way Orwell did), because on the one hand equality of women and men is propagated, but on the other hand, one must just visit a children’s toy store to see that it becomes meaningless. So if a little boy by error leaves the blue section and thinks the pink section pretty enchanting, something must be wrong with this child. The child does not understand, why it should not enter the pink section, why it is forbidden, for the child does not posess the ability to understand the concept “gender”, but the parents surely will tell him “because boys do not like pink”, so if the child likes pink anyway, it will confusingly conclude “Thus I cannot be a boy!”, but really, liking a color is an arbitrary thing; oh how screwed up our society just became – a century ago it was actually considered, that blue is the girly color, and pink boyish, and the people from gender studies actually want to pose a claim that such color preferences stem from genetics? It’s just another way to create more waste and more money, by producing every toy twice as in pink and blue trousers – and maybe to sell the pink trousers a bit more expensive. But this Gender Apartheid continues so badly, there are fourth-graders in primary school, who already dress extremely sexed up and do make up, which is another result of gender propaganda, making so much money by useless makeup and creation of stereotypes such as “a true woman is crazy after shoes! She needs at least 20 pairs”. Awful advertising, which shows women just as a worthless object (for example this poster hung at the bus stop next to the the primary and the middle-school in the district of the city where I live in https://cache.pressmailing.net/thumbnail/story_big/2162ffee-05bd-4aaf-97ba-130ed6167046/welcome-to-paradise-star-fotograf-rankin-shootet-das-kampagnenmotiv-zu-germany-s-next-topmodel-by-he), can make a young girl easily question if she truly wants to be such a THING. This is heavy propaganda not everyone will follow without being sceptic. Unfortunately such children which are not easily indoctrinated so they go with the masses, end up loners. And they long for company, they long for a sense of belonging and yet they cannot find it, until they discover the term “Transgender”, which at first seems as an Opposite of Propaganda, as kind of a rebellion, when in truth, it is just a machinery brought into life, so the original propaganda can go on. The children are brought to support groups and “well-meaning” therapists, that they no longer feel excluded, They are told, that if they let the doctors sterilize and mutiliate them, their loneliness will cease – and surely it does. But for how long? They are pressured to suddenly conform another stereotype, but with the reward of not feeling lonely. And if that does not work for them, then read up the term “Otherkin”… Now this is too ridiculous for me to be explained here.
And all this so the horrid capitalism can go on – because, how long gone are these days when science was done truly out of curiosity – if ever – because humans are greedy, selfish creatures and if they feel superior to another, mostly because of money, which is power – they will loose all hindrance of “ethics” and conscience.
Well I am 16 and maybe know nothing of the world, and forgive my bad grammar, the due is that English is a foreign language for me, but one thing is certain: This devious capitalist circuit must be stopped.
I don’t have kids and reading this I am happy I don’t have them as it is more difficult than ever to be a child and to be a parent. How on earth do you protect your family from this nonsense?
I think it should be forbidden for anyone to start a gender change process before the age of 25, only then do you start to get who you are and what you want. If you really think that a gender change is what you need you can still perform all the procedures you want. I mean, Bruce Jenner was in his 60ies when he became a woman so why the need to have teens go through this, with the risk of enormous health problems and irreversible maiming of themselves. I do not believe that there are all of a sudden so much more people who feel they “were born in the wrong body”. Transgenders are a very small proportion of the population but boy are they militant. I read somewhere that one of the reasons for pushing the transgender is that it means selling medication which needs to be taken life-long. I also notice that a whole subsector of social services is specialising in this, psychologists, hospitals, etc… Often people working there are transgenders themselves so in order to justify what they did to themselves they want as many followers as possible.
The thing is that there is no prototype of what a typical man or woman is. There are girls who are very sporty tomboys and there are boys who have very delicate characters and are very sensitive. We all have a number of more typical male or female characteristics and there is no reason to change our gender because of this. It makes my heart bleed that teens are pushed to reject themselves to the point of maiming themselves. I also think that this is sometimes pushed by a parent who would have preferred to have a child of the other gender.
All these gender changes do not contribute to the wellbeing of the people who undergo them because the suicide rate of transgenders is still a lot higher than of the average population. They of course pretend that it is because they are not accepted by society. I think society is in general very tolerant for people who are different but it is a fact that transgenders often still look different and weird and you cannot blame people for feeling uncomfortable around them.
It is so sick.
It should be forbidden! I agree! It is nonsense!
I told my child who is 15 and all this started at 13, that when she is out on her own, paying own bills and considered an adult then she makes that life changing way but I will not pay or back it up. Not because I dont love her, and I can understand some cause when I was young I didnt no one girl who loved periods, or loved to wear bras, I was very much a tomboy more than she is now. I know lots of my female friends when they get back from work off goes the bra and let those babies free, lol. I told my child she is very smart, makes very high grades always but she has to still learn some common sense and love herself for who she is and be proud of herself of who she is. 🙂
It’s a crime against children is what it is. And if the numbers continue to rise, will be a crime against humanity.
I’m angry. I’m heart broken. I’m grieving. I feel powerless.
Here in British Columbia, Canada, my child can legally start hormone therapy at age 16 without parental consent, and 15 if she is, or says she is, suicidal.
A teens’ logical decision making brain hasn’t fully developed until age 25. Before 25, a teens’ choices are made purely from an emotional place. This simple fact alone should be enough to stop the madness!
I do think some people are born Transgender, and show clear signs early in life.
Others, with sudden onset gender dysphoria, in their teens, are a different story.
I’m not sure if it is a phycological condition from their living environment and/or trauma, or from social-political conditioning, or a combination of both. I do know though that a ‘Trans’ brain shows a specific dysfunction in a specific neural pathway. There is a scientific report, https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-017-17352-8, that shows this. This neural tract has to do with body perception. I wanted to know if my childs’ brain had the same findings as the study so I had a brainmap done by a psychologist that uses neurofeedback therapy. Sure enough, it was, but I am unable to treat it because it’s illegal in Canada, it’s considered conversion therapy. I just want my childs’ damaged neural pathway to heal, just as I would if her neural pathway was damaged from an aneurysm or something. I’m not even looking at it as a “cure”, but am wanting her physical body checked and treated for any dysfunction, before proceeding with pharmaceuticals and surgery! The science is there, but it is being shut down!
This is an injustice! This is not a Democracy!
How do we help our kids see the bigger picture, the political/medical agenda, when they don’t even know what politics are? How do we have them see that they are falling victim to those that will benefit monetarily, politically or scientifically? How can we help our children develop patience and wait, before mutilating their bodies and their minds? They are using our kids to experiment on! This is a human rights violation against parents and their unsuspecting children!
I have actually started praying to God asking for guidance through this. I’m not a prayer. I feel desperate.
Really sympathize with your pain. Praying with you.
I’m starting to wonder why I also used to say: “I do think some people are born Transgender”. I guess it’s a double-edge sword. It has become a sign of phobia, hate, or ignorance to challenge. There is no proof I can find showing this condition exists outside of biological/physical anomalies. I’m realizing now in hindsight the ground began being laid years ago for this movement, by first saying “Some are born this way…” over and over, until we all assume people are born with sexual and gender orientations without question. Once the possibility has been establish, how in the world can we question, challenge, or try to address conditions with our own children without protective agencies labeling as abuse any efforts to change/abuse the ‘real’ person.
Truly a shame. I’m realizing my daughter probably will never fully recover from this. She’ll either fall well below her potential, and spend most of her life blaming society for it’s flawed ‘judgement’ – and/or she’d never address the source of her unhappiness and follow the path of self mutilation – and spend the remainder of her life trying to address the original issues. Either way, the likely result is regret and wasted potential.
Praying with you.
We don’t know the future. She might just surprise you.
Our bodies can change, but our spirit yearns to thrive.
I so feel your pain!!! There should be a way to protect our children! We need to figure it out together!
I have searched and searched for a website that matches what I have been going through as a single parent of a daughter that moved back into my house a year ago. She just turned 21 this month. She had a difficult time with fitting into a specific group in high school. She was not athletic, could not learn to ride a bike, was creative and very very bright, way above her peers in her advanced thinking. She even was that way in kindergarten. She read books to her class at 4 years old. The only group that would accept her was the GSA, genders and sexualities alliance. The kids (mostly) that she had over to her birthday parties starting in high school were gay. She felt at ease with them because they too has anxiety issues and some depression. There is a lot more detail here that I won’t go into. When she moved back home she was a girl leaving her alcoholic boyfriend that she lived with and had no where else to go so of course I let her come home. She has had several boyfriends. She is a follower, a chameleon, every boyfriend she has had, she took on his likes. If he was vegan, she was vegan. If he liked a certain type of music, so did she. Along comes a really cute gay boy several months ago. They fit together like two peas in a pod. She told me they were almost the same person. Suddenly as they spent more time hanging out, she adapted the way he dressed, and stopped wearing makeup. She goes to a barber and had her haircut really short. Two days before a big huge interview of her lifetime, she took the clippers to her hair and made a mess of what little hair she had left. I have told her a couple months ago that she needed to move because I had planned to sell the house and downsize as I will retire at the end of this year when I am 64. I am not backing down. She has never ever “come out” to me. Only has had boyfriends, ever. I refuse to believe this is a permanent thing. I may be kidding myself but this is NOT the life I see for her. I see a waste of a very bright girl who is having an easy freeloader life. She needs to move on and grow up. I am not sure who will read this long paragraph but I am so happy to finally find the “dark web”. The only support groups in Albuquerque are those for parents and families of transgenders. They are not for the parents who want real answers. These kids are so easily influences by the media and movies and their peers that are nonconformists. This is the reason this has turned into a frenzy. We the parents are the minority now. These are the kids who will be running our country soon. We need to fix this.
Jae, thanks for your comment, and I’m glad you found this meeting place. Your situation sounds familiar….a super bright misfit kid…that is like my daughter, now 20, who “came out” as trans at age 18. She shocked me by her desperate move to fit in, and she even referred to her friendship issues as a justification for being trans.
Has your daughter ever been assessed for ASD/high-functioning, formerly known as Asperger’s?
Here is something from Tony Attwood: “Girls and women who have Asperger’s syndrome can be like a chameleon, changing persona according to the situation” – http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/about-aspergers/girls-and-women-who-have-aspergers
Thank you. She has been to a couple of therapists but she doesn’t talk much so nothing was accomplished although she was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. No she has never been assessed for that as far as I know. I have realized that we are not a normal mom and daughter. We were so close until of course puberty. We lived in the same house but never spoke. We are back to that again. I saw on her social media once that she self-diagnosed herself as Borderline Personality Disorder which is similar to Asperger’s I believe. There is definitely something to that theory. I really appreciate your comment!
Thank you I thought I was all alone your blog hit home
If anyone has some advice for me, I would be grateful. I have an almost 15 year old daughter who told me 3 years ago that she’s a boy. After a period of excruciating pain and terror that she would kill herself or something else unthinkable would happen I told her that I would support her. I did let her know that as a teenager, she didn’t know everything, that things may change later on. She did not mention hormones or anything else except a binder – which I agreed to. We call her by a male name and use the pronoun he. A few months ago she bought some girls clothing and a necklace. She wants to grow her hair out into a bob and has to tried makeup. But she also just requested a new binder. So I’m super confused and she doesn’t like to talk to me about it. I’m afraid her therapist may be encouraging the transgender thing.
Now her 12 year old sister and thinks she is binary. If that isn’t some made up agenda crap, I don’t know what is. She doesn’t know that I know, I read her journal.
I’m a single mom, my ex cheated on me with an anonymous man on Craigslist and now lives 5 hours away with his girlfriend. He sees them twice a month, refuses to talk to me and is absolutely no help.
I need help with this so badly. I feel like I can’t take anymore. I’m scared I’ll lose my children somehow. I don’t know what to do to turn this around. I’m full of guilt that I’ve somehow made all of this happen. Or is it genetic? Or are they so messed up from their father abandoning them? I’m so scared and I don’t know where to turn.
Tina You Are Not Alone. You’re a great mom just looking for the best for your daughters. I would encourage you to be a part of the group called gender critical resources.com. There’s a whole group of friends there just like you. I am Marie there.
Hi Tina, also you should start to follow Dr. Oren Amitay on twitter. He has many videos and just recently interview a mom like yourself who is very upset with this contagion. He believes it is a contagion or insane trend especially with young girls. Here is a link to one of the videos and the rest are ot hard to find:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KsfAljD2Oc
Best of luck to you. You are not alone. We are all in this together.
Thank-you Marie. I registered. Thank-you so much.
Please help me, I am one of those confused 13 year olds. I experience minimal dysphoria due to me barely having any thing to be dyshphoric about but, I would much rather have male genitalia, large muscles and be able to go shirtless and look cool that way. I don’t know how to handle this especially with the truth that men can be feminine and women can be masculine. I don’t know what my gender is anymore other than my jealousy of penis bearing people. Please help me out
Some advice, because even though it has been a few years for you, I can only hope other people who accidentally stumble on this article see this:
Navigating gender is difficult, and while there is value in this opinion piece in that it highlights the need of support for parents and healthy communication and understanding between families, some of the opinions are misguided, or harmful.
The fact of the matter is, there are trans people, and there is evidence of trans individuals stretching back hundreds and hundreds of years- though documentation, as should be expected, is sparse. These people exist, and their experiences and identities are real. Not every gender non-conforming person (i.e. a tomboy, or a feminine boy) is trans, but some are. Not every trans person was gender non-conforming before transitioning, but generally speaking many were. Gender non-conformity in childhood does not indicate trans-ness, or even non-heterosexuality, which is something I agree with in this piece. The expression of gender is varied from person to person, and that’s beautiful.
But lets say, regardless of what your childhood looked like, as a teenager you are now thinking critically about your gender. You’re confused about if what you’re feeling is dysphoria, or if you feel it at all. You’re confused about if you need dysphoria at all, you don’t know how you’re supposed to know, and you barely know where to start. So let’s start with what dysphoria is.
Broadly, discomfort with the sex you were born as, and the gender you appear. (i.e. born as a male, visibly identifiable as male) The discomfort is often severe, but the experience of dysphoria, and what and how it affects you can vary. One person may be debilitatingly uncomfortable with the fact they have a penis, and another person may be perfectly comfortable. They are both trans, and the first one is not more trans than the second. Body DYSMORPHIA, broadly discomfort around your appearance, is something everyone experiences, and it can be a similar experience to dysphoria, in some ways, but there is a difference. Feeling upset by the way excess fat goes to your hips and makes you wider, or look like you’re carrying weight is a dysmorphic response. This is not dysphoria. Being upset because fat goes to your hips and gives you a feminine appearance, is dysphoria. The key is, your discomfort stems from the fact that it makes you look feminine.
Does this make you trans? Unfortunately the answer isn’t that easy. One instance of dysphoria doesn’t mean you’re trans, many instances of dysphoria doesn’t either, you need to examine why you’re uncomfortable with your masculinity/femininity. You need to think very critically about what you think the underlying cause of this is. Is it a traumatic response? Is it tied to bullying? Is it a result of the stereotypes of your parents and peers? Why are you uncomfortable with the way that you are in this moment? Sometimes, you don’t know.
You know yourself best, but sometimes you don’t have the answers, and that is okay. You are okay. Thinking alone doesn’t tell you everything, that is just one part.
Even if you think this is in response to a traumatic event, or you think you might not be trans, that does not mean you can’t move on to this next step. In fact I encourage you to, because alleviating discomfort and being happy is something you deserve as well.
Experiment, but safely. I realize that the environment you find yourself in might not be safe for you to try on clothes of the opposite gender in, or change your hair, or try being someone else in, but not every gesture has to be a grand one. You can do things in secret, and I encourage you to if you feel unsafe, and I know of many a forum post that could help you find small, inconspicuous ways of changing up how you express your gender. This step is important, because not only might it alleviate some of the awful things you’ve been feeling in a harmless, inpermanent way, but it also clues you in to your own feelings.
Does it feel good to look at yourself and see the opposite gender. Does it make you happy when people read you as the opposite gender at first, or tell you that youre starting to look like the opposite gender (even if they mean it in a disparaging way sometimes, the human mind is a complex thing).
Thinking about how you want people to perceive you is important, because wanting someone to read you as female, interact with you as if you were a woman/girl, see you as a woman/girl, can be a major indication of transness. Just wanting to be read as a feminine man, and being uncomfortable with people mistaking you for a woman is a good indication that you are not trans.
Find our what makes you happy, this is not a short process! And as a human being your preferences are subject to change! Change is good, evolution is good, and you shouldn’t be ashamed of changing your mind the more about yourself that you learn! The validation of others feels good, and without it life can be hard, but at the end of the day it is important that you aren’t miserable about something you have the ability to change.
If you are in a position where you want to include your family in your gender questioning, or you are outed and don’t have much of a choice, I encourage you to talk to your parents. It will be frustrating, they won’t ever fully understand, but if they want to understand, if they invested in you, you will get somewhere comfortable eventually. If you feel safe doing so, include them in what you want to try, ask for advice on things like haircuts and styles, find things to collaborate on, include them in parts of your self-discovery and it will not only make you closer, and help you learn about yourself, but ease some of their worries that come from misunderstanding, and alleviate some of the worry and opinions I have seen expressed in these comments. It may seem selfish, and it is (though as people they can’t help it, and don’t hold it against them), but at some point they need to be included. Whether it’s years after you started questioning because you felt unsafe, or not long after you began, it’s really valuable to have the (oftentimes eventual) support and understanding of your parents, and it’s valuable for them too to be given a chance to help and understand.
This is a long post but it is just the beginning, this is just a start. Determining if you are trans is a long process, and the outcome can take a long time to pin down. Not weeks, not months, but years, and those years can be PAINFUL, but you can make it. Countless people before you have made it, and reaching out for help and advice is a good thing. Ultimately, though, you can’t let the advice of others rule you. Trust your gut, not the guts of others, because they don’t know what you know. Value their opinions, use them as a vessel for your own self-introspcetion, but in the end only you can know who you are. Don’t let others decide for you, whether it be your parents, or your supporters. Both can be overwhelming and both and undermine your best interests, even if their intentions are good.
Transitioning does not mean the same thing for everyone. Transitioning can mean changing the name you go by, and the pronouns you use, and that’s it. It can mean changing your appearance superficially, it can mean surgeries but no hormones, hormones but no surgeries, both, or neither! But this decision is YOURS to make, and while the opinions of those around you (especially medical professionals) are important! Many of these changes are permanent, and you need to be very prepared to accept that you may change your mind (about being trans, or more common just about the hormones/procedure itself), or dislike a change doing these things can bring.
More important than gender dysphoria is gender euphoria, happiness in who you are, and you can find it.
Parents, ask for the support you need, expose yourself to different opinions, entertain different viewpoints if only just to learn something valuable from them, and give your children the freedom to grow. Don’t just say nothing, say something to them to make sure they know you support them. Saying nothing is too uncertain to be safe, and I know you love your kids too much to want to make them feel like that.
I wish you all the best of luck. This is hard, but you will get through it.
Sincerely,
a person who has been there, and done that.
(HUGE DISCLAIMER: I made this post reflecting solely on the gender binary, male and female, because it is easiest to understand, and I thought it would benefit this forum the most, but know that you dont have to limit yourself. If happiness is somewhere between, or someplace else entirely, that is okay. It might be harder, it might be difficult for others to understand, and you will have more challenges ahead of you because of it, but you can make it too.)
Ainsley . Please just slow down! Try to figure out why you are jealous of men. Do you see females as weak or vulnerable? You need to turn to a trusted adult woman. One you respect and can speak honestly about your feelings. You don’t need to be scared. You are experiencing intense feelings but you don’t have to let those feelings control you. Remember that you are in charge of your actions. If you are spending a lot of time worrying over your identity take some time out. Go do things ! Connect with people of all ages. Talk to other girls and women about their experiences with gender roles and how they feel about their bodies. Listen to many many different perspectives. Try to focus more of your energies on improving what’s inside of you. Just slow down and don’t worry so much. Be kind to yourself and focus on your true gifts. If you have a loving family turn to them and trust them. I feel for you kid! Being thirteen is hard… so many changes and so much expectation from society to be perfect. Just remember almost all gender expectations are bullshit. Much love to you!
THANK YOU thank you thank you. This is the first, only and best load of common sense about this issue I have read or heard in the last 8 months. My 14 year old daughter suddenly announced 8 months ago that she wanted to be a boy. Not that she ‘is’, but wanted to be. All the professional (UK) help (and a LOT of the online discussions) we have sought has pretty much been ‘Ok so you’re transgender….let’s see about treatment’. One woman ‘counsellor’, 20 minutes after meeting my daughter and after listening to my concerns that this was a sudden, out-of-the-blue decision from a previously happy girl who had loved Barbies and sparkly frocks, said something to the effect that I, as her mother, would ‘just have to take on board’ the ‘fact’ that my daughter was trans. What a load of BS. All my daughter can tell me is that she ‘identifies more as a boy’, doesn’t like periods (who does?) is uncomfortable with her developing breasts (weren’t we all? I know I was) and doesn’t want to wear dresses. She has had opportunities (when redecorating her room) to turf out all her ‘girly’ toys and knick knacks, but hasn’t done so. Her behaviour hasn’t changed at all (apart from occasional tears and defensive shut-downs when trying to discuss the issue). She likes boys, and wants to be a gay man. I have tried to discuss with her the fact that feeling comfortable in your own skin is incredibly rare at her age, and is a gradual process, that adolescence is a tumultuous time, and that she needs time to grow, physically, emotionally and intellectually before making such massive, life-changing decisions. I have told her I won’t allow any medical intervention before the age of 18 (after that it won’t be my call unfortunately) but that she can present whatever ‘look’ she wants to the world, and that there is nothing (biological processes excepted) she can do as a man that she can’t do as a woman.
I totally agree that allowing young children and emotionally vulnerable teens to catapult themselves into irreversible life-changing procedures is madness. I heard a radio interview a couple of months ago with a young woman who had felt for years she wanted to be a man, and who been encouraged by trans ‘friends’ to begin the process by purchasing hormones over the internet. She took testosterone for 6 months, and changed her mind when she didn’t like the physical characteristics that were developing. She is a medical student, and said she now thought the premature and overly-swift transitioning of children and young people just might be ‘the biggest medical blunder of our times’. Her words not mine. I think she’s right.
Heartfelt thanks to you again, for being one of the few voices of reason, common sense and understanding in relation to this issue.
I am so grateful to have found this/you. I have an 11 almost 12 yr old daughter who isn’t the worlds biggest tomboy but has always gotten along better with her male cousins however, that being said she is also very much always been a girl albeit not a girly girl. She has always preferred shorts over a skirt but she loves makeup. Her room is purple, which she picked. Any and every little “crush” she’s had has ALWAYS been boys. Imagine my surprise when about 6-9 months ago she comes to me to announce that she’s bi?! You could’ve knocked me over with a feather. After further probing questions I learned that 1 of her best friends that has moved away has since come out as lesbian. This girl has a group of 3-4 girls that identify as trans, bi, and pan sexual. Just that sentence makes me sick simply because of the word “sexual” these are 11 & 12 yr olds, the word sexual shouldn’t be used when referring to these young girls. It feels perverse. My daughter is now told us that she doesn’t feel like a girl, she infact feels like a boy. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’ve had multiple emotional breakdowns regarding this. Mostly because I KNOW my daughter. This is NOT her. I put a stop to communication with the group of girls. I don’t know if it’s right, I am truly just trying to do my best to protect my daughter. I’ve explained that she’s too young to even be worrying about any of this. I’ve also explained that though the world has come a long way there is still a lot of controversy surrounding this. I’ve explained that if infact this is the case we love her regardless I just worry that she’s going to confide in the wrong friend and she’s going to be “labeled”. We live in a small town that is EXTREMELY religious and unfortunately judgemental. How do I help her? Is this something that I have to let her go through? It just seems like such an extremely hard lesson to learn at such a young age. All I want is for her to just be her age, enjoy this time. These are very grown up issues that she’s taking on. I’m at a loss. I cry all the time (never in front of her) she cries. We’re having a hard time.
Please know that you are not alone and you will find support here. It is a terrible scourge of our times that tweens are hearing about all these things at far too young an age. It is very confusing for them, and they are too young to be thinking about these things and labeling themselves and others. The teenage, and very young adult years, are the years of identity formation; including sexual identity formation. It is a confusing and tumultuous time and they are very vulnerable to being influenced.
You are very wise to tell her she is too young to be thinking about this. She is. Tell her about how her brain is still developing. Her frontal lobes will only be fully developed when she is 25. It is the region of the brain involved in her higher executive brain functioning, such as planning, impulse control, reasoning etc.
Reaching out to you and giving you a virtual hug. As well as reading the extremely valuable and enlightening articles, resources and individual comments in this site, you could also consider joining other sites such as gendercriticalresources.com, where many parents and carers have found much needed support.
@Feeling lost. Lost here with you. I’ve got a 20 year old at the social intelligence level of a 12 year old, but I’m not sure if this contagion knows any bounds. Small’ish community – check. Religious community – check. Dealing with something nobody in my area will talk about – check.
Such an incredible push from the ‘alternate lifestyles’ in schools [esp in college] – basically now that we’re so “advanced” in our thinking [we fell for that one hook, line, and sinker] as a society – the warnings have come true from the “Once you accept this, anything goes!” crowd. Remember those bigoted, phobic, paranoid idiots we wouldn’t listen to?
Simply because we knew that “crazy stuff” only happened to ‘those type’ of people.
Yep, my daughter was convinced in literally ONE semester of junior college. Rewrote her entire history, of girlishness, overnight to something it never had been. Was schooled on how little parents and adults understood – and was showered with false facts regarding the “gender hoax” – and that’s all it took.
Good luck to you, and hang in there. Invest in the technology to monitor her social, media, computer activity and block whatever you can. In my opinion the potential consequences outweigh the need to be trustworthy – as in – finding out whatever you can, by whatever means needed behind her back.
Of course. Just to set expectations. I do still feel like I’m losing my mind also. Still have a few ‘angry, frustrated man-cries’ – and feel like it’s hopeless.
…but I’m praying and hoping if I hang in there, something in the world will change to expose the extremely flawed and dishonest trans-cult movement.
Just to add to my last post, try not to say anything negative about being lesbian and bisexual to your daughter. She is too young to know whether she is lesbian or bisexual at this stage, but you don’t want her to decide she is transgender because she is internalizing negativity about being lesbian. Try and be positive about a future decision of being lesbian or bisexual.
Honestly, I think you need to calm down. This sounds completely like a teenage phase and like she just wants to be, in her mind, one of the cool kids. You being so overwrought and against it is probably making it that much more appealing in her teenage angst. Whatever she is, gay, straight, bi, you’ll have to wait it out.
At the risk of sounding callous, things could be worse, she could be saying she’s a boy. I’d give anything to hear my daughter say she’s a lesbian at this point.
Her child told her she “feels like a boy.” Close enough. It’s not just a matter of the child’s sense of sexual orientation. (And I agree, why are these kids being encouraged to pinpoint their SEXUAL ORIENTATION at age 10, 11, 12? Not good.)
I agree with the cutting off of the free computer access to social media, for sure, for a kid that age.
I’m sorry if I sounded cold or like you shouldn’t be upset. Of course, you are, I get it. And I’m glad you try not to cry in front of her, that’s a real struggle for me sometimes – not to be upset in front of my daughter. But I know she can sometimes feel it which I why I said calm down. I try to remind myself that this too shall pass. I don’t know what choices my girl will make in the future but I’ll have to cross that bridge when I come to it.
I’m so incredibly upset by this. Obviously, you don’t know how it feels to have your body feel like it belongs to some alien every time you look in a mirror. Maybe your child was just going through a phase, but you know what? Supporting them is all you can do to be a part of their life at this point. I am a transgender male and I don’t mean for this to be perceived as hate, but this article is incredibly misguided. You, as a cisgendered person, cannot possibly relate to the experiences of a transgender person, no matter how much you think you can. Gender and body dysphoria are not the normal kind of low self esteem that usually comes with being a teenager. Body dysphoria can cause people like myself to go days straight binding even though our bodies ache and our ribs are probably injured. I cannot fathom leaving the house and going into a public place without binding or a very very loose t-shirt. If something so intense takes hold of you, you need a support system to back you up. This is not you being a hero of a parent for not letting your child experiment with identity and expression, you’re actually more of a villain.
I am a mom of a girl who never acted like a boy, still doesnt but after her friend came out transgender (girl to male) but was not taking meds but liked to beat up boys at school, bullied others my child was wondered if she was a boy. My child was hanging around the not positive kind of people for one had did a tape of my child cutting herself, all these so called friends were cheering her on, this child was doing the tape as a school project, turned it in, class watched along aith teacher and I got a call from school telling me to come get my child and I did. We sat in counselor office and I listened to her advice and took my child to a behavioral mental hospital. I left her there for 2 months, visit on days when I could. Now doing that of taking her and leaving her broke my heart, I cried for weeks, I am a Traumatic Brain Injury Survivor after drunk hit me so that didnt help. But I did the best I could and stayed strong. It has been a year and my child is home after a 2 month stay, she has made new friends, top grades, has goals, she is on anxiety med and life is much better. I am a very protective mother. My child knows how much I love her, she knows I will be there anytime. My child was 13 when all this started and I told her at such a young age to make a final decision in something so important like she had first thought that I would not support for she still was growing, she is the child and I am the mom, she is under age and I am the adult. We still laugh, talk and do things but she knows I love her.
Reid, I’m sure if somebody tells you, or you tell yourself, something exists over and over again – it surely will. Especially to those more susceptible to suggestion. There are a million reasons a child/teenager will feel like there body is not their own. I remember puberty like it was yesterday, yet it was 40 years ago. If you actually truly believe that parents should line up all the cult fringe movements in front of their children – then tell them to ‘experiment with identity and expression’ rather than simply supporting them through common, natural, and biologically factual transitions – then you are drinking the wrong kool-aid.
Trust me – the world is making everybody grounded in reality a villain – and every thing grounded in fact – suspect. Think about what YOU are saying. “Parents – a new movement of letting your children identify their own gender and you giving them man-made hormones and plastic surgery is how the world actually is – we just never had the technology to be our true human selves until now.”
The Trans-cult movement is true insanity. I will continue to reach for the light, and not allow the insane to take over the asylum.
My daughter will always have my support, but never will I lay out cults of self-hate, self-mutilation, self-doubt, and random expression in front of her and say – “experiement”.
“If something so intense takes hold of you, you need a support system to back you up.”
If something has a hold of you shouldn’t you want to pull away? Unhook its claws? A support system should not be about making the hold even tighter, should it?
Binding until your ribs are injured is self harm. I know you won’t read this or if you do you’ll see it as hate. But I don’t hate you or any trans people. I hate what you do to yourselves all in the name of physical appearance.
Reid —
Your comment saddens me. I completely accept that for some people the mental idea that their body is “alien” is so strong and intractable that transition (with its attendant health risks) is the only way to survive. I also accept that for some people the mental idea that their body is “fat” is so strong and intractable that their anorexia cannot be cured/treated (in which case, their illness kills them). I accept that for some people the mental idea that they should be disabled is so strong and intractable that they’ll do anything possible to, say, get rid of an arm or a leg, or blind themselves with chemicals.
I accept these facts.
But the notion that these situations should be a cause for exploration, experimentation, celebration — that they are just another form of “expression” — I’m sorry, Reid, but I can’t accept that. I’m sure you believe “trans” is different from these other body dysphorias, but is it really that different?
The drive to take steps that cause actual harm to your body can’t be anything but an illness. Self-harming is not a normal impulse.
None of us here are trying to be “heros.” The parental instinct to protect your kid from harm is powerful. You say we can’t relate to you; we say you can’t relate to THAT. When people are adults they get to make choices with their bodies, even self-harming choices. This doesn’t mean their parents have to celebrate those choices.
All of us here wish you well.
Id like to ask your opinion on some stuff. Do you believe teens should rush into things, start experimenting as soon as they feel different, and rushing to find an opposite sex name? Also whats your opinion on hormone treatment under the age of 18? Oh and in your opinion how long should someone wait before making any longer lasting changes? Id love to chat about these things with you
Hello,
I just found this article/blog online and I am aghast. I am a Harvard law school graduate, Republican, Catholic, and a MTF transgender. When I was a child my parents never let me use such apps like Tumbler, and I never used the excuses of toys, hair, and clothes when I was transitioning. When you’re transgender you feel that way and are born that way. Parents shouldn’t deny their child to explore that, and you don’t need a sexual experience, as you say, to discover that you’re transgender. Some of the people in here sound extremely uneducated and ignorant. Parents should talk to their children about why they feel that way and encourage them to discover it. Yes, my parents made me wait till I was 18 to transition, but they certainly encourage my exploration of it. Not because they’re uneducated, and they didn’t wait to let me transition because we were poor. My parents both went to Harvard, my mother is a lawyer and my father is a heart surgeon. So I encourage you people to stop being so ignorant and go out and encourage your kids to explore that instead of hiding it from you monsters.
Thank you.
“Monsters.” Says it all.
Try reading more of this site before you submit another comment. Otherwise, this will be your last.
Yes, I think this is a trans activist even if a MtF transitioner.
The message: Never question anything parents- just shut up and drink the Kool-Aid.
Glad you addressed it. Thank you.
I’m just giving my opinion on your blog. I will say that stating you guys are monsters was wrong, I am sorry. I read every comment before I had posted, my comment wasn’t aimed at every person who had made a comment.
@Victor – You might want to read more on this blog. It is filled with factual information – biology, science, common sense, etc. There is very little mention of demographics regarding who the Trans-cult is targeting. You seem focused on your own perceived status, but it’s irrelevant to the movement.
Seems very cruel your parents knew you were the wrong gender from birth and forced you to suffer for 18 years – guess if your pops had been a ‘brain surgeon’ – life would have been better.
My name has never been Victor, that’s not the name that my parents gave me when I was born, so i would recommend you use Victoria. I read every post in this blog and was not aiming my message at every person that left a comment.
As for my father, he is very accomplished. I don’t know if you meant that as an insult or not, so I’ll just say that he is very smart. My parents made me wait to transition because they’re both Republicans and Catholics, they both had been against those ideas until I came out to them. They eventually learned to accept it as they learned more.
Are you HSTS or AGP? You see whether you like it or not these people aren’t buying it. Even Dr. Ray Blanchard the leading expert on MtF says that whether it is called Gender Identity Disorder or Gender Dysphoria it is still a mental illness. He also says that some very select people can benefit by transitoning because it is what they need to do to cope. If you are truly in tune with what is happening then you know of ROGD (Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria and you should be concerned that these parents don’t buy their kids coming home to suddenly announce they want to cut off healthy body parts and become life-long hormone patients.
So I am not sure that you just aren’t some trans-activist trying to make the parents on this thread feel bad but rest assured they have enough on their plates already. Save you superiority complex and how you and your parents are heart surgeons & lawyers. We don’t care. In fact this group has nothing but contempt for the way the medical profession has ignored this social contagion. Your belittling of people in despair also shows contempt.
So, your Harvard educated lawyer mom and Harvard educated heart surgeon dad were poor? Sorry, don’t believe you. People here are uneducated? I am a scientist with a PhD. Humans can’t change sex. “Feelings” don’t trump biology. You identify with social constructs of femininity. You are not a woman. You will never be a woman. You aren’t Harvard material if you can’t grasp basic facts. It doesn’t surprise me that you’re conservative; many male-to-trans are. They are heavily invested in upholding gender stereotypes and have MRA leanings — your tribe! If you were comfortable with yourself, you wouldn’t need to live in a fantasy world where you reinvent your sex, falsify your education, and falsify family background. I have a brother in Boston, btw — in real life — so don’t make claims that won’t hold up to scrutiny.
I said that it’s because they ARENT poor. I am not being fictional about my education or background. Biologoically I am not a woman, but psychologically I am. Maybe you should learn what being transgender is.
How are you “psychologically” female, and what is that based on, if not sex-based stereotypes? I know what trans claim, btw. I am not new to this. I have been researching this fad for many years. Kids are very suggestible and social contagion is real.
Transgender isn’t a “fad”, if you research the history of transsexualism you’ll see that it’s history, is recorded all the way back to ancient times. Especially in the Greek and Roman times, especially since they were more open to talking about their sexuality. So people probably felt safe with coming out about it. I am psychologically a female because I feel like a woman. The best way I can explain it is if you woke up in a woman’s body tomorrow, everyone knew you as being a woman, but you know you’re a man. You would want to go back to being a man right? That’s how it feels. I do agree that kids are suggestible, if one person in their click does something then everyone else does it. Then every kid feels they need to do it to feel that they fit in. But being transgender isn’t just a new “fad” or “social contagion”. It’s been around for a long time, people are just now feeling that they should stand up for more rights. Are you aware that people can be fired for being transgender? Which means that if they can’t find a job they’ll end up on the streets. The United States is also supposed to be a free nation, so people should be able to feel free to express themselves how they want.
Victoria, I don’t think anyone on here wants people who identify as transgender to lose their jobs and I’m all for expressing yourself any way you wish.
However, the way you describe what a woman is, is quite vague. That scenario of waking up in the opposite sex has been so overused, but let me tell you if I were to wake up one morning with male genitals (impossible, but let’s just go along with this), then I would have to be a man. I could act any way I wish, but I would still be a man.
I have no clue how any other woman on this planet feels as a woman. I only know how I feel. Being a woman is not a feeling, it’s biology, plain and simple.
Fetuses and infants in some parts of India, for example, are killed precisely because they are biological females. They don’t ask the infant how she feels before she is murdered.
The way you feel and act is your personality, not your sex (or what you call gender). If you can’t explain in any more concrete terms how you are psychologically a female (and I know you can’t because no one can), then your reasoning doesn’t fly.
Well, maybe you are feeling what you are feeling and you are a rare case. If you are happy right now with who you are it’s great.
I am more worried about unstable minds being confused. The problem is that statistics show that after transitioning people have more problems than before. Suicides are high, psychological and physiological problems increase.
And as for being fired for being transgender is not true. On the contrary, transgender people are protected by law of non-discrimination. Everyone is afraid to do or say anything because it is not allowed. It is punishable. People now implicitly prejudice ( inside, just opinion and attitude without actually acting on it)
If a transgender person is fired for being transgender then he or she can EASILY win in court even by faking it !! If there are documents, doctors opinions, it’s a done deal winner case! Everyone Learned in our society. The freedom is good. But this chaotically appearing clusters of transgenders hating themselves for who they are is a contagion! There are true cases of transgender but we are human beings made to reproduce and servive and move forward. Right now it’s rare to find a teen who at least at one point in life didn’t consider him/ herself a sexual minority or gender dusphoric .
And that would be ok if we did not jump to the conclusion to start hormones and surgeries….just because kids say they feel or think something. We are adults. We have flexible thinking , being able to find reasons for the problems not just solve them. What is going on with teenagers right now is a huge problem!!!
Victor, what psychological test did you take that confirmed your womanhood?
Your sentence structures are so convoluted that nobody can actually understand what you meant. You must have a hard time defending a client in your law practice.
Maybe you should learn grammar and biology!
My name isn’t Victor, nor was it ever Victor. That was not my male name that was given to me, so stop using it. My legal name is Victoria, so use it, please. I took extensive English and biology courses all throughout high school and college, so I’m pretty sure I know what I’m talking about on the biological points. As for my grammar, it is perfectly clear what I am saying, and my points are very easily understood. I took the bar and can fully defend a person, if I chose to. However, I am married and don’t work, so I have no need to put those practices to work. I don’t get offended very easily, so try all you want to insult me, but it won’t work.
I think you are an activist, some of your statements don’t add up and too many talking points are being used. Your posts read like a manifesto. Besides, in your first post you mentioned being a grad student at Harvard but later on you claim, you already took the bar, which is highly unlikely. The Romans and Greek, the free nation, I heard it many times over, it’s typical talk from the movement and if talk does not work, it turns over to insults. That would be the Monster part in your post.
My heart goes out to parents who are dealing with these kinds of issues. I respect your decision to remain firm and stick with your parental instincts. Being a part of this generation where “transitioning” is more accepted and being raised in a liberal state, I believe I can offer parents some tips to try to nip the issue from the bud. I encourage all parents to limit their children’s access to social media, and more generally, Internet access and electronics, keeping an eye on what they’re looking up, what shows/movies they watch, and who they are following in social media (learn all the tricks too if you don’t want your child to pull wool over your eyes; Google search “parental control incognito mode” for both PC and mobile devices). Also, be very aware of who your child befriends, and what views and policies does his/her school have regarding transgenders and gender fluidity. Children (and even teens) are highly impressionable, particularly in elementary school, being likely to take on the views of their teacher and peers. They will not be able to differentiate what is right from wrong when one view is ridiculously more popular than the other. As parents, you must guide your children and safeguard them from such ideaologies. If you can financially afford to do so, possibly consider homeschooling your children or putting them in private schools that hold more conservative views regarding transgenderism.
As for “transitioning,” we must first look at the available medical research on gender dysphoria, including the papers cited in this blog, before simply taking the advice from a gender therapy clinic. You’ll see that there is a disparity between the two. Would a loving parent make their child become a science experiment? I highly doubt it. However, when parents have their children go through transgender hormone therapy, that is essentially what they are doing. These clinics prescribe puberty-blocking drugs that have no controlled clinical trials on puberty blocking and no FDA approval for the treatment of gender dysphoria. You will potentially do more harm than good if you were to go down this path of hormonal therapy.
See this video below for more information. It’s a panel discussion by three medical experts on gender dysphoria and hormone therapy. I will pray for all the struggling parents facing this issue and I hope we can all raise children with decency according to their biological sex.
https://youtu.be/GOniPhuyXeY
I absolutely agree with the no hormones approach. It is clear that girls in this generation follow a different method of dealing with puberty and underdeveloped prefrontal cortex. If the emotional part of the brain( amygdala ) developes faster than the part that makes decisions ( prefrontal cortex) , it is understandable why the media and the idea to be transgender go hand in hand. It makes teenagers feel different and fit in at the same time: the major issues during teen years! They fit in according to the media and started creating circles ( clusters)at schools and other places. They are appear different and new and cool in comparison with general population. ( Though the general population might become a minority quickly nowadays)YouTube is overloaded with the positive reinforcement for unstable minds to convince themselves that they are new and different and don’t care about the society because they are transgender.But the society wants to keep the “unprejudiced face” and show that we accept the transgender teens , the society does it to avoid suicides and blame for being discriminative towards them. No one wants to be in court for discrimination. But who cares about actual lives of confused children?Teenagers know the discrimination “ trick” and use it for their advantage .The problem is , that teenagers ruin their bodies , brains and lives and keep the society hostage: doctors prescribe hormones , parents are afraid of being unsupportive, labeled “ abusive” and closed-minded in the eyes of everyone . Horrible that some parents do start thinking that the way to deal with the transgender idea of their child is to turn to medication and surgeries. Really?!?! The anorexia and bulimia were the result of Barbie Doll image. The split-personality disorder spiked in numbers after the book and a movie came out about it. And what then? The author admitted that it was all a made-up story. But people were diagnosed! And treated!! And most interestingly, all those cases happened only in the USA. Now Japanese cartoons are the image of the young people!
Rapid onset of transgender dysphoria is a social disorder!!!! A disease! Now if we look at the Japanese cartoons and manga books, mostly all of them are the sexual minority group, ironically becoming the majority in real life. It is bad to discriminate and prejudice but only if it is a true case. If people are truly sexual minority, it is unfair to them when others fake what they truly feel. There is no blood test, no MRI scan, so faking anything like transgender is easy if people are aware of the right symptoms! They are all over the internet! There was a research in psychology when people faked schizophrenia but were locked in the mental hospital!!! Even after the doctors were told the “ patients “ were conducting an experiment, they were released with a label of mentally ill!!!
How interesting, that in the past, the majority of transgender people were males. Now , most are females. Females are more sensitive and more expressive, they are also statically shown to blog online more and keep the weblogs even without getting feedback. It’s a gender difference ! What does it show? This sensitivity took a different rout – it is transgender to express themselves. They are so proud to announce to the whole world about it and look for the reaction. And the reaction is nothing but positive by the schools, peers and society in general. We know suicides happen in clusters, especially among teens. Nowadays, we can see even the shooting started to happen in clusters in our country. Transgender identity by females these days give them the opportunity to get attention, appreciation .People are afraid of being judged if they approach transgender person in a wrong way, that gives power! Transgender identity appears extravagant and extraordinary and with a lot of drama. And don’t women love drama? So, what do we get?
1)underdeveloped part of the brain responsible for decision-making
2)over-reactive emotional part of the brain( amygdala)
3)hormonal changes in the brain making teens thrive on extreme situations
4)desire to be different and fit in
5) physical discomfort of the growing body and sex body parts
6)fact that women are more sensitive and socially involved
( women always seek out social help, so now they do it online )
9 ) increased attention to sexual minority groups and idolizing them
10) increased popularity of transgender characters in books, movies and cartoons
11) media will tear anyone apart for discrimination of the sexual minority
Now if we put all of these ingredients together in the growing, developing mind, what would we expect?
It’s popular, it gives attention and it is a way to hide the anxiety and explain the hormonal changes! “Aha, I am a boy trapped in a girl’s body!”, they found the explanation! The same way the hypnosis works-suggested information. So much research is done that the information is corrupted by the suggestive questions!!!!So why is the information not corrupted by the media in those poor confused minds?
How come that the majority is women? And how come, mostly teens? And why now , during the exploded popularity of transgender all over printed media and internet media?
It became a new thrill! A New way to become a “ unique “ self.
I agree , that for teens who got a lot of support in changing their gender it is harder to return to their original gender, because they feel dissonance, it would mean that their words failed and don’t go together with reality anymore and it would be hard to admit it. If you want someone who wastes water to change their behavior,you can try and ask them have a speech in front of people about saving water. Of course, they will feel ashamed that they waste it themselves and try and adjust their behavior to their speech! The same is with coming back to original sex , the more they saw people believe them the more they reassured themselves. And then they would not want to look like losers , generally speaking. And that leads … to later suicides!!!! No return!!!
If the facts show that so many young people regret the change and commit suicides after the transition happens, why no one stops it? It’s all up to parents now. It’s a WAR!!!And how hard is it to fight against the whole world? Why is the whole world supporting the young underdeveloped prefrontal cortexes to harm themselves? Is it a way to have room on the overpopulated planet? Is this a conspiracy hiding behind “ no discrimination “ face?!
@Truth – Regarding many more females being affected by the trans-cult contagion, I’ve noticed something. We don’t have T.V. [commercial signal], but I’ve noticed in MOST media, movies, and shows I watch – females are represented as either “victims or heros”. In other words, either helpless or unrealistically superior.
In my daughters writings I’ve seen her say “I can’t wait till I have a flat chest and muscles”. She thinks somehow all her troubles will go away when her outside looks different and she can pass as the ‘superior gender’. Obviously, it’s not the SAME thing for every girl.
I agree it’s a barrage of influences. An attack on this generation like we’ve never seen. A dismal tide.
Dear SouthOfGravity!
It’s great news ,to my mind ,what you just said about your daughter. It means she is definitely NOT trans ( at least to my mind) She is just confused. Transgender is when a person feels inside like a different gender or something like that. It was supposed to be a rare condition. What your daughter is doing is matching what she might hear from school, some other kids, ( are you that lucky that you don’t have internet either?:)) and her understanding of female role in the society. I hope I am right because it gives you green light to continue “ twisting “ her neurons a different path in her brain:) Mother’s opinion matters! Don’t we all agree with mom’s opinion along the way during life , (if the mom was loving and caring enough, of course)?
I am happy for you! Confused child can be convinced differently with time. That is the issue with a lot of teenage girls right now.
“ Men have all the power! All the money and jobs!” etc. Even, if it is somewhat true, unfortunately, still women have a lot of power nowadays! It a power to be a Mom! Have tried a good counselor with cognitive behavioral approach? Kind of like Dr. Phil ? The trick is that the conclusion should be made by your daughter through her mind by answering questions. It’s an art to be able to ask without judgement and open up a person and point him/ her in the right direction.
Again, as I understand, you almost have proof that is definitely Not transgender but only “ lost” while connecting those neurons. Disconnect them:):) Good Luck!!!
@Truth – Thanks for the comment. I agree. We’re going to keep working on those ‘neurons’. Trying to get her on other ‘projects’ not related to the trans-cult lie of becoming another gender.
My point above is that girls/women already have it tough. It’s a shame this transgender lie is taking the most challenged and/or most charitable of these, young women and destroying their identity simple to create a movement. These days all you need is a LOT of noise, content, and social media blitz to turn a lie into a destructive force of change.
My ‘kid’ is 20.
It’s no coincidence all those same nerdy, socially awkward girls that once grouped together and helped each other make it…are now being ‘targeted’ by the Pride groups in the colleges. A real shame.
Thanks again.
I keep reading posts over and over.
We are all right- this absolutely a new outbreak of mental problems with teenagers. The neurons in their brains connected the information that to be transgender is popular. This is the way to escape a lot of issues of teen years: shifted circadian rhythm circle, the emotional roller-coaster, desire to be unique….
These years are perfect to be brainwashed and that’s what we got in out society. Teenagers simply took the path of the social hysteria and contagion.
We finally started making different dolls, showing that Barbie is not the ideal image to be. How many lives did a Doll ruin?!
The doctors experiment on our children. Our children are simply statistics for them. “ The percentage of liver failure…”
Common sense is not being haters or discriminators. Parents have developed brains with abilities to make the right decisions. That is why kids still need parents!!! How can it be allowed to inject some body ruining substance into someone who is simply not able, mentally NOT able to make the correct decisions?! The world got crazy!!!
Thank you for this… I have been lost with my daughter since she announced that she was a he. My gut has never allowed me to truly believe that this was true. She is still going through this stage in her growing up and I am hopeful that it will work itself out. She was never a girly girl growing up…. But was interested in girly things. It wasn’t until my divorce that things started to change with her. So feeling that was trigger for attention or to just shield herself from the same of heartbreak that I went through was a big feeling of mine. Because she did have boyfriends prior to my divorce also. I have been looking for answers, and this article is one of the ones that seems to best fit what I am going through with her. Thank you.
I know how you feel. I miss mine too. We were sooo close….before. It feels almost like she died. She pulled away from me so far that we hardly talk. I looked for a support group in my city and I am still waiting for a reply to my email (its been a month since I sent the first email, to a group listed above). It seems I can’t find support on a personal level for me although she finds it all around her for herself. I really really need someone to talk to.
Oh Jae,
I am so sorry you are experiencing the horrid pain of what we all feel.
It’s gotta be the saddest thing to ever happen for me, to lose my precious daughter and seemingly have no room for influence on her.
Every single day, and all the time during it, I hold her in my mind and heart. Sometimes I feel pretty darn low. Like blackout low, I scream in my car when I envision the horror of what my baby is doing to herself.
Hang in there. We all have incredible pain over this and I send you love and pray you do find some similar minded parents to ease the conflict and help hold you up…
Hi Jae, which group did you email to find a local support group? maybe your email was overlooked somehow.
gendercriticalresources.com/Support/ I believe it was this one. I did hear back and the very nice lady tried to get me together with someone in my area so that we could communicate but she never answered back. Everyone circumstances are different for sure and I understand. I am so glad that I found you all here. So many things being said have really touched my heart.
Hi Jae,
Just don’t give up. Teenagers have to proclaim their ideas. But they do value parents’ opinion. If you show Love but simply explain that you come from the position of trying to protect her because she is your child, I hope she will come around.
I agree with so many statements on this blog that this transgender dysphoria is a political phenomenon that got out of hand . We all have mirror neurons though Women are known to read emotions better and are more emotional, that explains why more girls nowadays decide to be transgender after they see their friends or watch YouTube videos. I agree with the statements that girls self-diagnose themselves to find explanations for so many feelings inside their brains and bodies.
Just don’t give up and continue trying to talk to your daughter about other things just to be close and show her that you are there for her no matter what….
Jae, I am Marie on that site. I will try and find you!
Jae, there is a message on https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/ for you.
I am hopefulmom on that site. I didn’t see a message.
Jae – here is an alternative (I can vouch for as a way of meeting up with other parents, depending on where you live) – https://www.parentsofrogdkids.com/support-groups/
Thank you! I joined.
@Jae – Due to an experience with a friend in MY area [2 years ago], I believe parents are being very quiet about it. Afraid of the societal backlash, and also the fact counseling might be dangerous. Afraid of affirming it accidentally. I’ve managed to find two others parents, unwilling to really ‘talk’ about it in my area – used church resources – and are in a “holding pattern” as in “we think it’s over, nobody move, knock wood, don’t talk about it – kinda mode”. It really scary when you really how FAST the influences will ascend onto your kid/teenager/young adults – once they see a weakness.
Anyway, I hope you’ve found someone to talk to. I’m fairly alone myself regarding this thing, aside from a few Email friends far’ish away.
Quite honestly, it’s such a horrible contagion and so personal/emotional with it’s destructive nature, I’d probably feel alone even in a group of other parents. My situation always feels so different…my kid shouldn’t be here…even though I know it’s the exact same thing. So weird.
Good luck.
So well said. Parents are simply paralzyed with fear. There is no template on how to proceed and the medical profession and general public just confirm. The medical profession confirms because they are blind soldiers following a process and don’t want to get into trouble and the nuances and details of this sort of thing is so complicated that the general public can’t absorb it all so they just listen to the fake media and affirm. Not talking about is helpful on one level because it allows space for the child to back out and it will tear families apart when other family members (aunts, cousins, etc) decide to weigh in and take sides. All in all it is a total nightmare.
Out of curiosity, did your daughter change or is your son hiding because you weren’t supportive? Your research, though somewhat extensive I suppose, lacks addressing the purgatory and hell your child went through. Is your child happy with his/her decision, or miserable and goin to end up a statistic?
The author’s daughter stopped identifying as transgender almost 3 years ago. She no longer believes she is male.
Gender Dysphoria is a mental illness so it goes without saying that those who have it do suffer. It is no different than any other kind of mental illness other than the source of it has been highjacked by trans-activists who are not advocating for more research or other treatments options. Neither do they want to discuss the many reasons people have dysphoria which include trauma, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissassociative Disorders, Autism spectrum issues, depression, anxiety and many more. A complete treatment of these conditions have often stop people from the insanity of trying to change their sex (which can’t be done) and becoming lifelong patients. Suicide numbers are high with those who have had SRS and then realized they were duped. Twitter is full of these poor souls and it is the feminists and so called TERFs who are there for them not the trans-activists who deny they were ever trans.
Ray Blanchard is a leading researcher and he very plainly states that gender dysphoria is a mental illness but that some very select people are helped by SRS and the idea of transitioning (no one can actually transition to another sex despite well done surgery because of DNA). That doesn’t change the simple truth that we need to recognize it as a mental illness and advocate for more research and therapy that doesn’t automatically affirm. Those therapist are quacks. That’s how parents can help their children. Your attempt at guilting them is unfair and not working in the right direction.
@Natalie. She won’t “end up a statistic”: She IS a statistic. A statistic of the growing influence of the anti-natural LGBT “cult” movement. Of course, we know you mean “suicide” – which is the ‘friend’ of your movement. Not sure if you’re being ‘handled’ or you yourself are a bitter ‘handler’, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume…handled.
The queens and kings of this other-worldly cult surfing on the wake of other identity/society-trashing concepts making headway out of the LGBT attack on normalcy – well, you get the idea. Not even worth adding the ‘G’ at this point. It’s all the same garbage. The point is – I’m still not happy about not being an Astronaut, but I grew out of it. One time I even threatened to kill myself under my breath, if I couldn’t go to NASA space center – and my mom said, “I’ll miss you”.
Are the more entitled a bit more at risk of following through? You bet. My daughter has seen so many YouTube videos of these ‘victims’ of the Trans-cult movement – been handed books at the college of how to support the trans-agenda, and been introduced to the concept of murder – suicide – and ‘trigger’ words like torture, abuse, and the legal mechanism of “getting your way”. Ironic, a movement hell-bent on putting an illogical idea in the head of every child, along with her, then suggesting the unnatural means of being what you aren’t is available via man-made versions of body chemical and surgical changes – and indicating your only other options is death – is telling parents they are the ENEMY. Telling my daughter I am the enemy.
She’s 20. Slower that the average 20 year old. She just may end up being the “statistic” you and your handlers desire. A statistic you desire: As Another false indication of a transgender condition that doesn’t exist, but rather a mental condition you’ve created with a LIE. A lie that says she shouldn’t be happy with WHAT SHE IS.
…but she may yet be the statistic you desire. That indication of a false claim you need in the hopes more cowardly politicians cave to trying to legislate your lie. If it does happen one day, you won’t hear about it. You can’t have her number.
So fuck off, Nate.
What I am seeing is the hell that my daughter’s body is going through in her transition to male. I hope she is happy with in her mind with her decision but her body is sure going through torture. She has scoliosis and the tight, tight binder that is making her breasts flat against her body is surely torture. I am scared for her as I have had breast cancer and testosterone is a major factor in breast cancer which I would never be allowed to take having had it. What if she gets cancer too? Mine was the type that could not tolerate hormones of any kind. I am so afraid that she is a follower and these sudden changes in her are just her reaching out for love. She was abandoned by her father and is searching, searching, always searching. I am afraid that someday, when it is too late, she is going to finally find herself and what she was truly searching for and maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t it. It’s hell for the parent to watch these things that are damaging to her health especially with the scoliosis and breast cancer genetics. It hurts a mother’s heart. I truly hope her mind is happy. Maybe that can overrule her body’s unhappiness. Her body is hurting.
I am so sorry for all you are going through and your daughter too. The medical profession has let you and her down and all the other parents and young people who are going through this. She needs therapy to examine all her issues and trauma. I am so sorry she won’t reach out to that. The medical profession should not be doing all this to her with her health history. I don’t know what discussions you and she have had but I would be hoping her mind is very unhappy because she is taking the wrong road. I know it’s hard as a parent. God bless you both. This trans identity crap is destroying families.
So… I am fully aware of the backlash I likely will revieve. But I am going to comment anyway.
I read your entire article and while we do not agree on everything, I am willing to accept your ideas and reasons.
I am transgender, male to female, 23 years old and only 3 months on hormones. Luke you, my mom (I pay rent at home… its hard to move out) refuses to assist me, and for me to pursue this, I have to do it myself. I dont think this is a bad thing. A little conflict and obstacle goes a long way for figuring out who you are.
I wanted to address one thing mostly however. You stated that people need to go through multiple relationships in order to learn their bodies ability to enjoy pleasure, and to understand yourself sexually. I think this flawed. The reason for this is because everyones understanding of themselves is different, and their ability to understand as well varies greatly from person to person.
Personally, I have never had sexual attraction. This is where you likely lose me, but I will continue anyway. Yes, my body has had entirely normal male reactions to physical stimulus… but it never made me feel good. There is a very real disconnect from how I think and what my genitals do. This has been true my whole life.
From a long standing personal experience on this, I do believe that a mind can be more aligned to that which you would normally call female or male, opposite to what the hormones in your body made the rest of you look like. We have people born with natural boobs and a penis, without genitals at all, with extra body parts. So much of the human body can go wrong and be more like the opposite gender, why not the mind too?
Does science from 20 years ago say this is possible? No. But the reason why is not because of studies saying so, but because there were no studies to begin with. Now there are studies, and many of them are supportive of this concept, tho not indicative of someones mental gender…
Now I want to end this with an apology. I am sorry that there are nasty people out there. Unfortunately those with the loudest bark heard the clearest, and they tend to be haters. I want nothing more than to be happy, to stop hating the unfortunate appearance I have and to live a life I am happy with. I do ask people to use pronouns, I do not ask anything of anyone. All I ask (silently) is for to be accepting of eachothers humanity. To just be cool and appreciate the conversations we can have.
Well thats all, I hope you can understand what I am trying to say, I realize its bit of a ramble 🙂
Rewriting a part due to typo:
“I do NOTask people to use pronouns, I do not ask anything of anyone.
Hi Jordan
Thank you for sharing your story. You are 23 years old and free to do with your body as you please. Ignoring transgenderism completely would be ignorant and I believe most informed people are far away from doing so. The topic here is to help parents to cope with children coming out as transgender, most of them strongly influenced and encouraged by social media. We are speaking out against medical treatment of children at an inappropriate age, an age where their brains are not far enough developed to make such an life altering decision. We refuse to step aside and surrender our parental obligation to nurter, protect and love our children. We are not suppose to be our children’s best friends and sometimes though love is needed. After all, we have spent many years with our children and know them much better then any so called transgender specialist. To many therapists are willing to put kids on drugs, sometimes after the first appointment. It is wrong, insane medical decision making on steroids, comparable to having a broken ankle and the orthopedist recommends amputation. A broken ankle hurts, so does going thru puperty. Our children and families need guidance and help, we don’t need gasoline pourred on a house that’s already burning.
My daughter, 13, has said she wants to be a boy. A little background: we moved to a new state a year and a half ago. In her new school, she felt isolated among her peers until she met a girl in art, and became good friends. She joined the drama club, and made friends with some 8th graders. They joined “the diversity club”. This club is a LGBT club. The kids put on a play they wrote and starred in, which had homosexual connotations. “Romeo and Juliet”, but script rewritten to include 2 females as the couple, for instance.
My daughter got so wrapped up in it, that her life was as if she was copying the play. She’s no longer friends with the friend from art, but remains close with the 8th grade crowd. They all labeled themselves. One week, my daughter said she was gay, then, changed to bi, then onto pan. (I had to google that one). Now she is emphatic about being disgusted with her body and wants to be a boy, have her name changed, get a binder, and later, surgery to remove her bosoms. She wants to donate all the “girly” clothes she picked out last year, and tossed out all the makeup she bought a few months ago.
All her life, she was the classic girly girl. She had crushes on boys, and she and this boy were inseparable since first grade. She was sad when it came time to move away. When we settled here, she became sullen and angry, putting herself down. She now sees a therapist who she really likes. We’ve been working on her self esteem issues. She’s wanting us to call her “he” and by a male name. I can’t do that. She’s my daughter. She is female. Had we seen this coming, maybe I could come to accepting. But it happened out of the blue.like a switch had been flipped. She is very impressionable, and has seen all the viral videos about kids coming coming out to their mothers, and the mothers gleefully embrace with happy tears. She has told me when she’s 18, she’s having her breasts removed.
My gut tells me this is a phase. I’m hoping it’s a phase. But with all I’m seeing in the media about this, I’m not sure. I love her; this is too much for me to process. I’m a stay at home mom; we were inseparable. I knew her. Until now.:( She cut off all her beautiful hair, and wears boys shorts, baggy tee shirts, and bought this awful men’s deodorant spray. Please help me sort this out. I’m at my wits end.
Please tell me this is a phase. This just isn’t normal for her 🙁 I miss my little girl.
Oh my goodness this is exactly my daughter. I keep telling myself this is just a phase as well. I just can’t wrap my head around this… she was the girliest of girls until she started hanging out with a new group of friends and BOOM now she wants to be a boy. I pray this is just a phase….
We have a therapist who specializes in gender dysphoria, but has been focusing on her self esteem issues. Do you see this as a trend? How old is your daughter?
We are a therapist as well. She is 15 and just finished her first year in high school. I do think and hope this is a trend.
Feel free to join the 800+ parents now in conversation about this at
https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/
supportive, nonjudgmental, and informative regarding the need to slow down the rapid transition train.
Paloma Blanca… Yes it most likely is a phase. She is 13 and I’m the midst of body and hormonal changes. I don’t know one woman who enjoyed this phase of life! You are lucky she is young and you have time and also rights as her parent. My advice is to let her wear and call herself any name she wants. Don’t comment on it. Remain neutral about these things . These things are just expressions of masculinity and femininity. Talk to her about everything. If she allows you to question and talk consider that your greatest gift! Point out to her men and women who step out of the gender boxes and praise their bravery for not letting society dictate what a man or woman should dress like or act like. Make sure her therapists is neutral and is exploring female issues with your daughter. If she is not neutral than find one who is. Keep her busy, close to you and off social media as much as possible. Keep loving her with all your might. Stress to her all the wonderful things her healthy body allows her to do each day. I will keep your daughter in my thoughts. You do have time just make sure this doesn’t become a battle between you . Don’t allow anything to drive a wedge to far in your relationship. These kids need to understand the difference between gender and sex. Exploring gender is expressed through behaviors, clothing and hairstyles. These kids are being fooled into exploring transexuality however. You don’t need to remove your breasts or penis to explore your gender. female body hatred is epidemic in our beauty and sex obsessed society. Talk to her about these things. Show her how the media makes girls and women feel like nothing about them is good enough and that everything is about being sexy and hot. Good luck to you and your daughter. Don’t give up. She is so young and if you have a therapist you trust then you are on a good path!
Thank you for your article. We discovered some text messages our son has had with friends than indicate he is “trans and maybe bisexual”. We talked with him openly and supportively as possible. He tells us he has felt this way for 4 years and that he’s 90 percent sure. I’m 100 percent sure that he has never shown any interest in anything female at all and in fact hates anything girls and loves his new mustache and chest hair. At 14 he has emotions and hormones everywhere, how can he really know anything? I am doing my best to eliminate any influences that would encourage this and implement activities and influences that will allow him to grow and discover himself without constant trans and gay talk from his *friends*. I would love any advice you may have. I will love and support him either way but at 14 it’s just way too early to be sure so delaying this is what I feel is best for him right now.
Hi Sally. My words might seem harsh but stop supporting this. Supporting this out of love is what trans-activists and teachers and many others will tell you. They will tell you that he might commit suicide if you don’t support him. They will tell him to tell you that. He is not telling you the truth when he says he felt like this since he was 4. They all do that. They create a new narrative/story about their childhood. Becoming trans has become a social contagion. It’s just crazy. He is not a woman/girl and will never be. At best he can become a mutilated male and God forbid that happen. There are 3 main reasons/diagnosis that make people want to transition. The one pertaining to the social contagion is ROGD (Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria). Mostly girls seem to be hit with this but boys who spend time on Tumblr /Video Gaming/Anima seem to be attracted to transitioning. Young men/boys who transition are either HSTS (Homosexual Trans Sexuals-those who were very gay from a very young age) and AGP (Autogynephiliacs- young men who masturbate to the idea that the are a woman and often with women’s clothing-sorry for the coarse comments but you need the truth). It often starts at this age.
My guess is he is very confused. If he went to a Gender Clinic they told him right away he was trans. They do that with everyone. The truth is that if he is suffering from Gender Dysphoria then he may have a co-morbid issue such as trauma, dis-associative disorder, borderline personality disorder, may be on the autism spectrum or suffers from anxiety/depression. Most trans people do and this is why there may be a higher self harm percentage- they already have mental illness.
The hard part is you will have a great deal of difficulty trying to find him a therapist to look at the other issues who doesn’t want to affirm him immediately. In any event please take some time to view some videos on YouTube by Dr. Oren Amitay or follow him on twitter (ignore the silly photo of him- he is a very serious doctor but a funny sense of humor). He has many videos that might interest you. Also on twitter you might want to follow @michaelbeltis. Nice fellow with AGP and is willing to answer questions or help out. You should take a name on twitter that is not your own. Open a new account.
I truly wish you well and hope he doesn’t pursue this. It will not lead to any happy place. I would also suggest that you try to keep this a quiet as possible. The more people who know the more opinions you have coming in and the more it will escalate. Also keeping it quiet makes it easier for him to back away. A leading expert does not mince words. He says that gender dsyphoria is a mental illness. The opinions of those on this site only want to help and to stop people from going down the wrong road. We spend a lot of time replying to emails because we care. I truly hope he desists and you can go back to living a normal life. He doesn’t have to change his sex to be who he wants to be. He is already there.
@Sallly Sue – A friend of mine two years ago had a 14 year old son in a VERY similar situation. Big kid, slight weight issues, smart – but trouble socializing [Aspergers maybe] and gaming a lot. Friends with anther 14 year old kid with similar issues. Gamer. The Trans-Cult is moving after kids extremely strongly where they live – online. He told a school counselor he thought he was trans. They moved quickly to get him away from influences, distract him [focus on driver’s license, bought cheap car for him to work on, limited online time] and found a FRIEND willing to counsel him – who did not have a license to lose.
Remember – there may come a time soon this is considered child abuse: To save your child from a cult. It’s really that bad. Last week a University professor with much more education than me – licensed to administer testing and a psychologist – told me people in his field are tiptoeing around the LGBTQ movement due to the chance of losing licensing and accreditation. He advised me to seek counseling help ‘outside the box’.
Anyway – My Friend’s efforts and lost sleep with their son seemed to work. The boy is now 16, has a girlfriend, and is doing well in school. He’s also been able to hold down a job. I do believe he is on anxiety medication of some sort.
My advice would be [based on this example and what is now happening with my daughter] – to distract him. Change everything. Remember how our parents once warned of “idle minds and hands”?? That is a concept that will always hold true, no matter what.
…and yes. The Internet & social media & those kids AND parents addicted to it’s false promise of peace – is a catastrophic case of “idle hands and minds” being created, exploited, and destroyed.
Shut off cable, Internet, and electricity if you must at your house. Start building a green house, dig a hole, shave your head, live in the back yard…whatever. Change his world now.
It might not work, but I assure you…THEY won’t stop.
This post and many of the comments on here seem to be coming from a place of fear and judgment. I’m trying to make some space to understand your concerns and the beliefs you’re espousing, but I can’t get past how controlling you sound, and how little you think of those of us that have given our kids the space to figure out who they are. The vitriol toward professionals and parents who support trans kids is palpable and belies your deep-seated fears. I hope your kids find support in other places.
@Jessica – Sorry for using this old saying, but “you’ve drank the koolaid” and it’s not your fault – in my opinion. “Fear and judgement” is very harsh – and unusual coming from a parent if the Internet age. “Controlling” – also a strange term from any one with a child older than 2 years.
When I was a child, the SPACE to figure out who I was existed. It was real tangible physical interaction, with others, with the outside, with those held accountable in real time with there actions and comments. I really had time to ‘consider’ reality, because there was no ‘unlimited flow of all views with a special influence from the LEAST of those’ bombarding me all the time.
Those social constructs of what it meant to be a ‘boy’ and what it meant to be a ‘girl’ were there. They were not perfect. They’ve changed and evolved. It started with the obvious biological and science – which still holds now – but many are confused because they’ve READ and HEARD so much that is made up, fabricated, that is theory – some don’t even realize there are still two genders.
My point is, no child has SPACE anymore. A young boy or girl ‘finding their way’ is now overwhelmed with the theories, lies, facts, concepts, idle thoughts, fantasies, delusions, science. truths, lies….it just goes on and on…and there are those similar to yourself who’ve heard the concept of “why not tell all children everything and let them decide” and can’t see the flaw in that. Don’t understand why society structure exists, why we can’t have everything, why young children DO need boundaries and guidelines and ‘facts’ – until they are old enough to build their OWN TRUTH.
The really fearful thing is how this cult movement has twisted the minds of folks like you. Once gender, identity, and species are eliminated…will you be convinced life itself should be introduced to children as a choice? Where to you draw the line?
Sad how SPACE has been redefined in so many minds. It is tragic.
We just don’t want our kids to be brainwashed.
I think it’s wonderful that there are parents who support their kids’ decisions when they are legitimate decisions-when the child is old enough to grasp the seriousness of it. This is more than changing hair and outfit. Young kids are talking about surgery and medications. There are folks who saw this coming through their kids’ development, and are on board. I’m not one of those people. My daughter showed no signs of wanting to change until she got a new group of friends. They’d label themselves as gay one week, bi, the following week, Pan, another week, etc. My daughter is very impressionable and has been trying to fit in, so you can bet your bippy I’m going to show some concern. A lot concern. And fear. This page is supposed to be a safe place for concerned parents to vent and discuss our situations, not to be condemned for our feelings that something is just not right.
At 14, my daughter told us she was trans and she wanted hormones and surgery.
At 19, she now says she’s a lesbian.
It seems that we, as parents of our daughter, gave her time and room to decide who she is — but everyone else wanted to trap her at her ideas at the age of 14.
Go away.
It’s good to see you here, katiesan. It’s been a while.
puzzled, thanks. I’m around, just not commenting, usually.
Suppose I told you I wanted YOUR kid to “find support in other places.” That he or she should keep you out of the loop, not tell you what’s going on, confide in others (people whom you don’t know and have no way to evaluate whether they have your child’s best interests at heart), make major decisions without consulting or even telling you. Maybe find support from some kindly strangers on the internet? Or maybe from older men who couldn’t possibly have anything in mind, other than helping a naive teenager at a difficult time in his or her life? Or maybe a doctor whose livelihood depends on people making those choices? Geez, no possible conflict there!
Maybe you want to trust strangers, or folks with an agenda, or folks with unknown motivations, with your child. And to let them give your child their “impartial” advice about whether your child should undergo life-changing medical procedures and drug therapies. When they’ve already made that same choice for themselves, no less. Oh and as a bonus, those medical procedures? No long term evidence, zip. But yes, trust away, parents.
You know, maybe we were born at night, but it wasn’t LAST night. No thanks.
If you have a 14 year daughter, who overnight, claims to be transgender, after binge watching youtube videos and such,
though questions and control is in order for every caring parent. It has nothing to do with fear, intolerance, phobia or what ever else skeptical parents are accused of. You pro-transgender supporters are the most intolerance people, preaching tolerance for your cause, while dismissing, discrediting and insulting every parent questioning and opposing this movement.
Jessica. I have only sympathy for parents in this situation. My anger is not directed towards them at all. I do very much worry however, that SOME parents are deeply homophobic and would rather transition there child than support them as gay or lesbian. There are actually quite a few articles and writings by detransitioners that suggest this is happening. My anger (and yes I am very angry) is directed towards professionals who are blindly following an ideology. My child did not exhibit what the DSM5 classifies as gender dysphoria until almost 19 years of age. 4 in the peer group suddenly came out as trans. FOUR out of about 6 or seven friends!! Most of them identified as lesbian or bi sexual first. What support is my child getting for possible internalized homophobia by these professionals? None! They ignore this possibility and the proven prevalence of female body hatred rampant in teen and young adult women. Yes I am VERY VERY angry at these “professionals”!!!
Thank God I am not the only one! My daughter just turned 18 which is scary because I now have no say over her going to therapy and whatnot. She initially started therapy because she was having anxiety issues and left mainstream schooling to do a mixture of home schooling and went to an alternative school where it was mostly self-study. This anxiety all came about after discovering the world of EMO and she dyed her blonde hair black, cut it short and now wears only black. She also had her first boyfriend who she was way, way too attached to as he broke up with her after 9 months and she was thinking of committing suicide so I sent her to a therapist. That was last summer and she has done therapy on and off. All of a sudden she started going to therapy every week and “came out” as genderfluid (isn’t pretty much everyone now?) and next thing all her sessions revolved around this and I have someone call me from a “gender clinic” and I wouldn’t talk to them but apparently my daughter and her therapist had a phone session with him. Now I think she is going to a support group with a bunch of trans kids and has updated her Facebook to say she is a female transitioning to male. This is a kid who was a girly girl with no interest whatsoever in any stereotypical male pursuits. She wanted 2 dresses for xmas which she got but I guess will never wear again. She is absolutely feminine in all her actions, speech, looks, etc. and she is attracted to only males. If she becomes a male, she will be the most feminine gay guy ever!! I know that last year, she would not have dreamed of claiming she was a male so I do not know what prompted it but therapy seems to have had the opposite effect of what it was intended for. Unfortunately, I did buy her a binder as I thought nothing of it at first. I wear a binding bra when I play hockey and ride my horses but she is abusing it and even sleeping in it so I have to somehow take it from her.
The thing is that I have a different understanding than a lot of people because I am very boyish and identify with males more so than females. I wanted desperately to be a boy when I was younger mostly because I was sick of hearing about all the things “girls” couldn’t do. My mother often ridiculed me for my boyish ways but I just wasn’t remotely interested in “girl” stuff and am still not to this day. As I got older, I recognized that all these “boy things” and “girl things” were all superficial and that it was ridiculous to limit someone based on their chromosomes and genitalia. I know what it is to cry yourself to sleep at night because you hated being a girl. I know what it is like to fight for the right to play hockey, to have a passion for tools and building things, to love trucks and truck accessories and to despise shopping with a passion unless it is in a hardware store:) I grew up being “different” and now I am simply “me”. I do not want or need labels like genderfluid, nonbinary, etc. etc. applied to me. In my mind the labeling and trans crap has got to stop, instead we need to move into a world where biological sex in no way dictates how a person should act, dress, etc. Then there will be no need for gender reassignment surgery and whatnot, because it will be irrelevant. All these new genders and transgenders just reinforce age old stereotypes that people like me want to see gone. I have another daughter who is happy to be female but is rough and tough and boyish and hates all things “girly”, she feels you can do whatever you want no matter what sex you are.
As for my older daughter, I am at a loss as to what to do for her and how to get her to see clearly. She is very immature compared to my younger daughter and I think that she is trying to do everything she can to stay a child. Little girls don’t have breasts and they don’t get into serious relationships and have their hearts broken so I think all this transgender nonsense with her has more to do with that than anything else. There is definitely something much deeper going on and it was for that reason she was going to therapy and those issues have still not been addressed!
The advice that I would give you is not to buy into any of it. Tell her that the binder is going to do her great harm and see if you can take it away from her. Try to buy as much time as you can putting her off on everything. Send her articles and videos you find of other girls who realized they were not male and stopped or desisted. Even though she lives with you send her the articles/videos. Don’t talk a lot about them but if they are in her inbox she will look at them when you are not there. She needs you to be the person who doesn’t buy into this. Tell her that she needs to wait and be very critical because of the seriousness of it all. Tell any of your relatives/friends not to feed her desires or at the very least to shut the hell up. Often families split up when this happens. Don’t do a lot of talking about it to outside members of the family because the less attention to what she is doing the easer it would be for her to back out. Pride pushes a lot of people to do stupid things. In the meantime try to feed her old female identity as much as you can. I wish you well. This is a social contagion. Look to videos by Dr. Oren Amitay. He has many on youtube talking about all of this with many guest. Follow people who follow @4thwavenow on twitter. There is much support there for you. Many parents who are in similar situations and don’t buy the bs. Take care of yourself.
Carly. I feel for you! You are correct that once they are 18 there isn’t much you can do if they are hell bent on doing it. My kid was also 18 when she came out. Everyone tells you this is not based on stereotypes but every time I pointed out that besides what my daughter chose to wear all her behaviors leaned more towards the feminine side. But over and over the fact that she dressed in masculine or neutral clothing comes up as proof! I even had a friend point out that because my daughter wanted to be a power ranger for Halloween when she was 3 that that was somehow a “red flag”! Jesus! These kids are screwed if gender roles have become this narrow that a little girl can’t even be a girl power ranger for Halloween! Yes we need to get rid of all these harmful labels . It’s not liberating at all! I wish you luck!
OMG! I’m very slow on the uptake, but it looks like some pieces are coming together with regards to my 13 year old daughter, who all of a sudden, feels she’s a male in a female’s body. She says she’s been talking to a “Miles” on instagram…I did some investigating and found that it is Miles McKenna who was born Amanda, and who is in her 20s. Apparently she’s a big deal with the LGBQABCDEFG(I never seem to recall all the letters)…This really has me concerned, because I feel like this Miles/Amanda is confused, and causing my child confusion. This is an adult that my daughter is looking up to. My daughter is very easily influenced. I am sick to my stomach. Everyone is asleep and I’ve got no one to talk about this with. How do I stop this? I wish my daughter would snap out of this. She’s getting teased at school by younger kids, sarcastically calling her by the male name she wants…I am sick and stressed. Anyone else know this Miles/Amanda?
This is probably the person
https://twitter.com/TheMilesMcKenna?lang=en
Yep; that’s the very one. I donr think it is this woman’s intention(I refuse to use incorrect pronouns) to confuse our young children, but it is happening, spreading like a virus. I don’t know how to approach my daughter with this, without it looking like a confrontation. I just want to open her eyes.This Amanda/miles is being idolized.
With all due respect have the confrontation. It doesn’t have to be a knock out, drag out but tell her that she is not trans and you aren’t prepared to pretend she is. Explain all women & men have many sides to themselves and women often like to have a wardrobe that can be masculine and enjoy some things that others might find masculine like certain sports and martial arts. It’s all good but the girls who are thinking they are male are caught up in a trend called ROGD (Rapid Onset
Gender Dysphoria). There are videos by Dr. Oren Amitay on Youtube and many others. You should watch some and then show her. Tell her the women she likes so much is a woman and if she wants a penis they have to cut a piece of flesh out of her arm and make something that looks like that. Explain that Miles may even decide to have a baby one day. And many women who do this change their minds. She needs to know you are not buying intno this nonsense. Whatever you do don’t agree to take her to a gender specialist or they will affirm her. They do it with everyone. Don’t talk to the school or anyone who you cannot trust to agree with you. Divide and conquer is usually the format. Take out a twitter account (not using your real name) and follow 4thWaveNow. You will find many gender critical parents who are in the same place as you and many professionals and doctors trying to speak out against this. Don’t buy that you have to affirm or she will harm herself. They insist that’s true but there are no stats to prove. There is no science behind transitioning, no male brain in a female body. All lies and they will expect you to believe it. Best of luck to you. Here are two videos to start with. You can cut and paste them into google if they don’t like for you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KsfAljD2Oc&t=424s
https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/science-pinpoints-dna-behind-gender-identity-3vmrgrdnv#
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/23430085_Androgen_Receptor_Repeat_Length_Polymorphism_Associated_with_Male-to-Female_Transsexualism
As with many things in science it is still being researched and with the low funding for research into being transgender it is very difficult to conduct the studies. So as a result there isn’t as many studies as there is for things such as stem cell research, as that is of more ergancy for humanity
Thank you so much for the article. It’s the first time I feel that some else is feeling the exact same thing as I am with my “transgender son”. I feel like I’m on an out of control train that cannot stop. The medical doctor, therapist and endocrinologist at HER Trans Clinic have only met with her a couple of times and are all “on board” that this is her path. I’ve had this pit in my stomach since she came out 3 years ago – I was blindsided. I had never seen any signs that she may be “in the wrong body”. My daughter has always been a “flavour of the month” kinda girl and there is nothing wrong with that. I believe it’s how kids evolve, test the waters, experiment or whatever you want to call it but as soon as it’s Trans, we stop the world and all heed to what may (or may not be) a “whim”. I fully support my children and have always said, would love them no matter what path they choose to take in life but my gut feeling is eating me up and no one seems to want to take it slow and explore what other things may be going on in a 16 year old’s brain, ie school, peer pressure, social media, acceptance, etc. So, again, thank you for your forum it has truly helped me and hope other parents listen to their gut.
The thing to remember is there is no “science” behind the Trans-cult movement as it applies to the very high rate of acceptance happening now. It’s simply a social & political movement being pushed by fear & force, junk psychology, and only successful due to it’s inclusion into the LGBTQ [alphabet cult] that has so much financial backing behind it.
There are things I wanted to do to my body at 16, that also had no science behind them. My parents simply said NO, or else. Thank God they did.
The sinister trick of the Trans-cult movement is to piggy-back on the epidemic of social confusion, depression, and NOISE of social media infecting most of this generation – constantly ‘introduce’ the concept of “real identity” and “suicide” – so that ANY real help for the person is obfuscated the MOMENT they say the word “Trans”.
None of them realize just how dead a hole in hell [figuratively speaking] they are digging yet…
Linda, follow your gut. Stop worrying that others know how supportive you have been to your daughter. We all know that. We know that trans-activists including therapists are making you feel like you need to prove you support your daughter by indicating you are not supporting her if you don’t go along with their plan from hell. One of the biggest trans activist (a man in a dress) talked his own kid out of being trans so what’s that tell you?
My suggestion is to go to that horrible place of confrontration. Start sending her articles and videos of destransitioners and doctors/professionals who disagree with the trans movement. Print them off if need be and leave them in her room. She won’t read them in front of you but she may when alone. Dr. Oren Amitay has a three part video with a mom going through what you are going through. Watch it and send it to your daughter. I recently saw a twitter conversation by a bunch of teens all saying why they were trans. It made me sick. They were stupid and uninformed of any real facts.
As far as suicide is concerned it’s a load of crap. Think about it. Suddenly all these kids will kill themselves if they can’t transition? So what about the past decades and 100 years ago? No one committing suicide in their teens, no young children needing to transition. There is no massive movement for adults transitioning. There is no science and no stats to prove any of this bullshit.
I am holding my ground with my own child who is so mad at me but I don’t care. If he is going to destroy his life as least I will know that I had no part in it. And yes it is killing me. But I will be there to pick up the pieces when all these monsters abandon him.
Thank you so much for your comments. I have never posted or been part of a blog before and I truly feel this is the first time that I am not alone and my feelings are justified. I can’t express my gratitude enough. Thank you, thank you. I will definitely take your advice on providing positions on the other side. How can anyone expect these kids to make an informed decision about anything at this stage of their life. Here in Ontario she is allowed (and has done so) put a request in for OHIP to cover top surgery…and has been approved within 2 weeks of submitting a request!!!! She also does not need my consent to take Lupron or Testosterone nor has any doctor or therapist talked to ME about this. I just can’t get my head around this.
Linda,
There’s a gender critical parents group in Ottawa. If you’re interested, you can ask the moderator of this blog for my email. Good luck!
Hi Linda. This blog is a wonderful place to find like-minded parents who want the medical industry to slow our kids down and give them time to mature before allowing them to make irreversible changes to their healthy bodies. You might also like to join the Gender Critical Resources parents’ forum, where you will also find support, and it is a bit easier to have a back-and-forth conversation. To join, follow this link: https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/index.php
Click on the word “register” in the black bar just under the colorful puzzle logo, and follow the prompts. You’ll need an email address to register. Your email address will never be shown on the forum, but some people still prefer to use an anonymous non-identifying email. Also, be sure to choose a user name that does not identify you. Once you join and once an administrator has activated your account (usually takes anywhere from a couple of hours to a day or two), you’ll be able to enter the members-only area of the forum. Please keep in mind that while only members can see or post on the members-only forum, anyone can become a member — so do not post anything that would identify you or your child.
Thank you!
My 13 year old son woke me up a few nights ago to tell me he’s been thinking for a while now and would like to try on one of my dresses to see how it feels. O told him he must be taking out of his ass since it’s pasr midnight and he’s probably sleepy. He said no mom this is what I want to try.
I figured if I didn’t let him he would do it behind my back. I was so confused and had no idea what I was doing but I reached in the closet and let him try one of my dresses. I said ok we are done now right? Let’s take it off now.
He asked if he can try with a bra. I said no.
We took off the dress and he said he wasn’t satisfied her because he wants a full on with hair and makeup. I feel like my world has turned upside down and I just can’t move on. I’m having major anxiety and can’t handle this.
In the morning we talked again and it pretty much came down to health class this year in 7th grade. His teacher had brought up the subject of its ok to like the same sex and if you are not happy with yourself there are ways to change it.
Omg why is the school teaching these vulnerable children about things like this? Why mess with their brain. Why introduce them to this? What is this world coming to? I can’t handle this.
Of course after this lesson he’s been watching videos on YouTube.
I’m so lost, I don’t k kenwhat to do. I have never seen anything of him growing up. He’s been a total boy playing sports and being a boy. I don’t know who to turn to. I have appointments this week with a few psychiatrists hoping to give me some direction and how to handle this.
I’m hoping it was just a stupid question he asked and we will never take about it again. My heart is hurting. Im praying this is just nothing. I will not support this.
Cutting off phone time for him and trying to spend more time with him.
Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
I don’t know if we should talk about it again or just let it go?
Help me please.
@Desperate Mom. So sorry to hear this. Stay strong. There is no such thing as a transgender 13 year old. It’s ALL the influence of adults, peers, and social media.
If he has access to a phone or the Internet, the idea is already well implanted and the recruitment & escalation process will not relent. Think of the original Terminator movie. “Listen, and understand. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, remorse, or fear. And it will not stop, ever, until…” Until, my daughter has destroyed herself.
Trust me. I’m able to see every word my ‘child’ types and am a member of every group. EVERY SINGLE kid that comes in curious on ANY search…is bombarded with friendship…affirmation…training…and guidance on the process. THEY ARE TOLD THE VERY FACT THEY ARE ASKING QUESTIONS LEAVES NO DOUBT THEY ARE TRANS. …and understand, the transgender term is being used on the kid/teen sites to mean ANY anxiety over “who you are”. ….and of course, everybody knows “who they are” at the age of 13.
Heck, I didn’t know till I was 25.
Find a way to cut off the source. The Internet. Talk to him frequently, and explain this “cult movement” and don’t hold back. They learn VERY quickly how to ‘talk the talk’, the lingo of the cult, and can subvert most psychiatric review.
Good luck. Stay strong.
Let him explore a little and see what he’s comfortable with. Don’t isolate him by not letting him use his phone, he would find a way to watch videos anyways, no matter what you do. There’s nothing wrong with him wanting to explore things.
Is it OK to vote now for “worst advice ever”?
Thank you. That’s exactly what I was thinking. Why the heck would I let him explore that stupid crap?
It’s no time bad advice thank you very much. Curiosity is apart of human nature. Everyone knows that if you don’t talk to your child and take away their choice to explore things about a subject, then they will find ways to do it anyways. The more you say no the more a child, and any human at any stage, will want to do the opposite at some point. I didn’t give bad advice, if you hadn’t wanted a full array of different advice then you shouldn’t have asked for any in the first place.
*it’s not bad advice, thank you very much.
@Desperate Mom – Honestly, I don’t think the rules have changed much regarding kids. You as a parent represent the controls/rules/guidelines they need. I can remember growing up with kids [before the Internet] that had these nutbag parents that believed “experiment with anything” using comments like “rather him do it here at home than out there”…and quite frankly, their failure rate was much higher than the parents with courage and conviction. Parents with principals.
Of course, isn’t it weird we’re even having this conversation? Isn’t it strange that there is a movement built on a LIE that gender is fluid [biology and physical aspects are irrelevant]…AND a parent is failing a child to not let them experiment themselves into a state of confusion, with a fantastic chance of resulting in body mutilation and depression?
Heard of “pedophobia”? That is the fear/hate of older people that want to have consensual sex with what WE define as children. Stupid word. Who doesn’t hate pedophiles? I saw somebody using that as an example of where we are going two years ago, and honestly thought how ‘over the top’ comparing some of the changes in our culture to something that insane. They were speaking early on about the affect of the trans-cult movement on our children, their identities, and the destruction identity politics will have on terms we don’t think about like…child…adult…dependent. Guess NOW, I don’t label peoples ideas as insane so easily. Google the term “theybe” – [replacement for baby] – wow. The idea is let babies “experiment” with their gender and decide what they are, then ‘fix’ them to be that? Yes…insane.
….and join a few FTM, MTF, sites on Facebook – under an alias of course – and watch as kids, teens, and socially stunted individuals from all walks of life are being taught slang for ‘normal’. They are much more anti-normal, than they are pro-trans. Of course, if you want the friends, likes, and ‘thumbs up’ that so many live for these days….
…..you must escalate. Escalate. Escalate. “You’ve got to try T!” “Experimenting is essential!” “Normal is death!” “If you even ask questions, you are definitely trans!” ….and if you spend enough time out there, you will realize it is adults in many cases guiding the way for VERY young people.
It’s a sick, sick situation. A truly dismal tide.
Stay strong and be VERY careful who you talk to or ask for advice – until you know their position and/or their ability to access your child.
Find a way to infiltrate ALL communications. Pretend there are pedophiles on every media, because you are truly trying to protect your kid from a very sick group. Believe me…it’s not the sweet mom on T.V. finally accepting her successful Architect trans-son/daughter whatever on 60 Minutes – that isn’t the reality of who’s trying to get to your kid. It is a cult, recruiting and then funding a network of young people on social media.
There is not a word my ‘kid’ has spoken or typed in the last year I haven’t recorded or seen. We’re not even close to being out of the woods, but I assure you – at the 16th month of this nightmare – it would have been over in 3 months otherwise.
MY experience was that if I told my daughter WHY I was doing everything, it helped. It’s amazing how many parents I’ve seen who thought they’d LOST their kids to the Internet or a bad influence were able to ‘bring them back’ to the real world with alternative distractions…but it takes time and effort.
Good luck.
To SouthOfGravity – You’ve often said you know everything your daughter types on social media. I wanted to join these groups to be able to see the same. I feel I can’t help without knowing exactly what’s going on in her mind, and she won’t talk about it with me. I’m just wrong about everything no matter what I say. Can you give some guidance how to do this? You can private message me if you want (I couldn’t figure out how to PM you).
Regulars of this blog know you are an activist and supporter of the cult. You are posting on the wrong blog.
I’m no activist to in the LGBT community. I have never participated in any of the pride days, or other events. I am a sole person who found a blog that anyone can post comments on. If people don’t like what I have to say then they shouldn’t comment asking for help and suggestions.
I’m new to this site but it sees like a support group. People who don’t want their children sucked into this cult and want positive feedback from others.
I appreciate all the positive feedback. I read all your comments. I have seen 2 therapists. I told them both before going there that if they are going to convince me to buy dresses for him and help him explore, then I’m not going to see them.
One of them listened to my story and said he doesn’t think much of it and wants me to wait.
The other seemed to be very pushy and kept telling me I’m afraid to hear the truth and that I need to bring him in. He said they will be alone in the room. I said not happening.
I have listened to all your positive feedback on how to help him go the other direction. We have total control of the electronics now. My husband has put his work aside for the time being and is spending more quality time with him. They have been going to the gym and just doing fun activities together.
I did have one more talk with him in private and he said to me “mom it’s called curiosity. My brain was curious and I asked. I don’t want to try again. I’m happy with who I am”
It’s been a tough week but I made it though. Between all the research, therapies, prayers and honestly this blog, it’s been going much better and easier.
I’m glad I had the last talk with him. He reassured me that’s it’s ok. Although this will not go to the back burner and it will always be on my mind and we are so careful and paying attention to what he does but at least we have some ease for the moment being.
Thank you everyone for your great advice and for telling me to not give up fighting. I will not give up and I will make sure my son will be as straight as straight can be.
I also talked to the principle of his school and told them how upset I was that we were not told about what topics they will be discussing during health class. He said he completely understands and will be making parents more aware of the agenda for the upcoming year. Too late for me. Damage was already done. If we didn’t step in and help stop this who knows how far it would have gone.
Let him explore? I don’t think so. I let him try it once, that’s good enough. Now they have s samensex restroom st the schools too.
Since this incident I have talked to other parents who have told me their kids have been acting the same way since they had the class before school was done. Mainly I keep hearing their daughters keep saying they are not girls anymore and they don’t dress pretty in pink anymore. It’s all black and white with boy shoes. But once their parent explains to th the reality, then they snap out of it. I wish we could put a stop to this but unfortunately this group of people are out of control now and they think they rule the world and everything revolves around them. There is no stopping it anymore. It’s like a big virus that has spread everywhere and is out of control now. Only thing we can do is educate our kids and hope and pray they will listen to us. Talk to them about this cult and remind them regularly to come to us for questions and not explore the Internet.
Good luck to everyone.
@Victoria
Your posts have one and only one intend; to create even more emotional turmoil for parents looking for support and help from this blog. If we would agree on letting our teens explore and discover as you suggest we should, we would not be here. We are not looking for pro-trans advise. And yes, you are an activist, go back to your post on April 5th where you called us concerned parents Monsters. Typical activist jargon, says it all.
Why would you tell this mom to let her 13 year old son experiment? Experiment with what? Her bra and panties? What may very well be happening to this boy is he is starting down the road of autogynephilia and feeding it will only make it worse. First thing she needs to do is learn about AGP and ROGD but don’t ever give the boy the go ahead. Have you learned nothing after hanging around this blog for this long?
DON’T take him to a therapist of any sort. They will tell you he is transgender and you will be sucked into the black hole. It’s all a lie. At 13 he may be developing AGP (autogynephilia). It’s the reason most men transition and it is actually a fetish that starts out with cross dressing. OR he may just be suck into the horse manure those awful teachers are pushing. The other possibility is ROGD (Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria) which has been having massive numbers of young people thinking they are trans. Trans-activists are cult-like. Don’t trust them and get him off of the internet sites that push this.
You need to tell him point blank that men can’t be women despite all this insanity. The only therapist that would be suitable would be a gender critical one. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are many of us but there are also many who are believing this crap and they will try to tell you that he will commit suicide if you don’t go along with it. That’s the standard line but it’s not true. They have ‘fake facts’ to back up their BS. I would suggest start to follow a number of people on twitter who can give you more info. You must tell him you are not believing and of it.
I know this is frightening and I really don’t want to make it worse but it is serious. Please go onto twitter and look for gender critical people. Angus@Iforgetalready is excellent as is Dr. Oren Amitay and Dr. Micheal Laidlaw. @MLaidlawMD
Finally don’t talk about it with others. Everyone has an opinion and will try to weigh in. It can easily get out of control. The less people who know the easier it is for him to change his mind.
All the best.
Thank you for your advice. It’s nice to know you are not alone and you have people who support you and want to help you.
I appreciate all the positive feedback.
Exactly….why is the school teaching these vulnerable children about things like this? Go to the school principle and tell him/her what has happened and that you don’t approve of this being taught in middle school. Now you are having to help your confused son deal with his feelings. Schools need to hear from parents.
How to help your son…. I learned that hard way that it’s better to not over react. Tell him that you appreciate him coming to you, that you are proud of him for coming to you, and that you want him to feel free to talk to you about his feelings. It can be tough, but open communication is so important.
Hugs to you.
Thank you. I love this group and your advice and support. I talked to the principal and told him how upset I was. Unfortunately it’s out of their hands too. It’s the district that participates and takes on what the state tells them to do. They can opt out of it as a district I think.
I told my son these videos he’s watching are made by people who worship the devil and want to convert innocent kids. I think that one really got to him because he told me in one of our conversations that mom don’t worry I will not be watching those videos anymore. I don’t want to watch videos made by people who worship the devil.
I’m trying my best. I’m hopeful.
So sorry to hear about another parent being confronted with this horrible issue. 7th grade seems to be a perfect time to plant the seed, it was the case with my daughter. Schools seem to be one of the prime breeding and recruiting grounds for the LGBT movement. I suggest to keep an close eye on lessions and activities in school. Become involved, join the PTA, chaperone, volunteer in any way possible. Be visible, be known to teachers and administrators. Mark your presence. Know your sons friends. Ask questions.
I strongly recommend not taking your child to a therapist. Chances are great he will be confirmed and it becomes very hard to debunk the phony diagnoses of transgenderism.
Cut off the internet, eliminate any possibility of binge watching Youtube, restrict phone apps like tumblr, instagram and similar.
And most, learn as much about ROGD, transgenderism, dysphoria, LGBT, as you can and speak to your son. Talk often and openly, share your concerns and the information from this blog and other sites. Stay firm and let him know you love him too much to stand by and watch him going on a journey that can only lead to personal destruction and physical and emotional ruin.
Wishing you all the best. Stay strong.
Thank you for your advice
Thank you everyone for all your advice and suggestions. I ended up talking to him today and he said he was just curios but pretty much this curiosity started when they talked about it in school. I will be going to the school to complain as soon as it opens. We will be burning that dress he tried on because I can never see myself wearing it. I told him the videos he’s been watching are from people who worship the devil and they are out to get innocent kids like him to convert them and grow their clan. I uunderstand that there are people born this way and you can not do anything about it. They are humans too with a heart and feelings but they need to leave the rest of the world alone and not try to brainwash anyone. Anyway I felt so much better with our conversation today. Tomorrow I have 2 appointments with 2 different psychiatrists. Crossing fingers they can help answer some questions and teach me how to respond better nexti taken such a thing God forbid comes up again.
The appointments with psychiatrists are for you alone? truth is, the whole psych industry is working under the self-id / affirmative-care model right now.
Here’s some great advice from Gender Critical Dad: Ignore, Redirect, and Reward.
http://gendercriticaldad.blogspot.com/2016/05/ignore-redirect-and-reward-dealing-with.html
The appointments were for me only. I wanted to learn what to look for, what to to ask, how to ask, what not to ask, and just learn how to handle this so my child doesn’t go down that route.
I got some good advice from them but one of them for sure I will not go back to. He seemed like he really wanted to see my so.mn and speak to him. Not happening
I agree to be very careful of psychiatrists. I am too scared to take my daughter to one because everything I read tells me they will affirm her as transgender within a visit or two. They are supposed to be there to help and they are doing the exact OPPOSITE. Talking to her – or trying to – is met with defensiveness and anger. Since he is still young enough, I agree with other posts to eliminate the exposure to the sites promoting these ideas. The whole school thing is scary and it seems all these people who should be helping to raise sane and happy children, are turned on their heads. My daughter wants to go to public school next year after being homeschooled, and I’m terrified it’s going to make it all worse. Even the schools these days are told to go around the parents’ wishes. I really don’t know what to do anymore, but I do know that I wish I had warning of this a long time ago, as I would have made sure those websites like tumblr, deviantart, twitter, reddit and even facebook… were all BLOCKED!
despeeatemom Ok I have to admit… you lost me who you said straight as straight can be. I’m not condemning you for your beliefs but if you are meaning straight as in heterosexual I can’t say I agree with this. My daughter is a lesbian who was made to feel wrong by the trans narrative . I pray every day that she can come to accept herself as a lesbian and not have to medically alter her “true self”. Sorry everyone is entitled to their beliefs and I do think you are probably a good and loving parent and do have valid concerns about your sons curiousity. I just had to give my opinion as well. I do think homosexual girls and boys are very vulnerable to this ideology and deserve support and understanding that it is ok to love who you love. I hope I didn’t offend you by saying this. Best of luck!
If I had to pick my biggest regret it would have to be that I didn’t give my daughter enough support as a lesbian. I foolishly assumed that this was accepted, for the most part, by wider society. What a fool I was!! I read narratives of lesbians who transitioned and then detransitioners and it makes me weep. Our poor girls and boys being taught that who they are is wrong and needs to be fixed! I have such incredible anger especially for mental health profession for not speaking up. We are turning young lesbians in “straight men”!!!! How sick are we as a society?! There is enough evidence out there now for these professionals to be very very concerned. And yet pretty much not a peep in the U.S
I’m so glad I found this site! It renews my hope and strength. I tried to post earlier so forgive me if I am repeating.
My 14 year old son told me recently that he is transgender. He wrote me a letter ( after we had confronted him with things we had found written in his room) and to him that is all it takes.
He has never , EVER , presented himself as anything but male. His behavior/ personality, and preferences have always been as far from feminine as they could possibly get.In fact he spent days showing everyone his mustache when it started to cone in calling it “ majestic”!
He has never asked anything of us. By that I mean he has never asked us to use different pronouns or get him different clothes ir anything of that nature, but he will be so mean and hurtful to me when I use” son” or “ he” or refer to my daughters by “the girls”.
He knows I disapprove and I’m not supportive of transitioning, but I also let him know as much as possible that I will always love HIM . Because of that I will always fight for him.
I ask him to talk to me about how he feels because I know he is hurting and I want to understand, but he won’t. He says he “ doesn’t know” why he feels like a girl. He also says he will have to go “ on hiding”, and “ die inside”. I can tell he has done research in the past because of all the key words he uses.
I have had many sleepless nights and cried so many heartbroken tears over this. I feel so alone. My gut tells me this isn’t real, but I don’t know what to do. Advice / encouragement would be appreciated.
They are the “key” words teenagers use these days. “ I’m dead inside”, “ I’ll go on hiding” etc.
If the teachers at school and society use these words and phrases as a warning and signal to pay attention to people who really want to hurt themselves, then it’s logical to use those phrases as keys to open doors to get attention and alarm parents and everyone around. Interestingly, different cohorts had different psychological issues. Anorexia, for example . After the movie about split personalities, the most cases “ out of the blue” were documented in USA. This transgender fame is the same with nowadays teens. But the doctors use to their material , financial advantage. This is what scary. And it must be considered a crime. I’m repeating myself. But I know it will be known as a crime against humanity. They simply kill children under the “ saving sexual minority “ umbrella.
I’m so sorry you are going trough this. I completely understand you. It’s not easy to deal with this. My son has reassured me to it worry and that it was just out of curiousity but I can’t help it and keep thinking about it. Not a Day is going by that I don’t wonder “what if?” I too am glad I found this site. The encouraging words and advice have been grreat and helpful.
I decided to not take him to a psychiatrist and just wait and hope and pray this doesn’t happen.
Take care and I feel you completely and I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Hi. I am so sorry you have to go through this. You are certainly not alone. There are a number of things going on including what they are calling ROGD (Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria) which usually affects girls. There is definitely a social contagion with so many young people thinking they are in the wrong body. Trans-activists have been pushing this agenda and they have tremendous political clout. Your son is not trans. He is probably struggling with masculinity. He is also probably on the internet a lot and/or involved in anime. Tumblr is a site where these kids pick up this BS. That said you are wise not to take it lightly. Don’t normalize it. Let him know even though you love him you are not prepared to accept him as a girl. Get reading. Go through the many responses on this site and check out videos and twitter accounts that are gender critical. Pick your times but show them to him. Even if you have to email it to him and let him read it at his own time
Try to slow him down. Find articles about destransitioners and show him. I strongly suggest you don’t tell many people about it if you can. The less said the more the door is open for him to back down. Plus relatives will want to get involved and you don’t need that. Don’t trust the school or teachers. They are part of this problem. I hope this helps but I just can’t emphasize enough the importance of gathering information. It will keep you sane knowing that you have science and logic on your side. Take care of yourself. You didn’t deserve this but you have been put into a traumatic experience.
Reblogged this on ROGD REALITY and commented:
This…….this site is a God send for me. This article has just taken 500,000 pounds off my chest! Finally someone has explained what I thought was happening but was made to feel like I was a bad parent. My husband and I have been living this nightmare for 6 months now. Our 16 yr old daughter announced she was transgender six months ago. She cut all her beautiful long hair, and started binding her chest and wearing male clothes she was getting from friends at school who also were “trans”. Yep there are a group of teens that my daughter has become boosum buddies with that all 8 of these girls bind their chest, use male pronouns, change their names to males names and dress like males. My daughter never once ever showed any signs in anyway that she was unhappy or confused about her gender until hanging out with this group of friends. We were told by “ professionals that this group of friends has probably seeked each other out because they all have gender dysphoria and our society is now more excepting. Uhmmm….. really?? How about this might be girls that have never “fit” and are following peers to have a place to belong?? No we are bad parents for saying this and we should get her to a transgender counselor and transgender clinic to start hormones. Even our PCP who has known our daughter since birth was completely shocked by her new “identity” but still aireed on the side of “this is real” and advised us to watch for suicidal thoughts and that my husband daughter and I needed to talk to a transgender clinic because they are experts and can help everyone figure out the roller coaster of emotions going on in our family. Of course my PCP knew what to do. I have known her for years she is a family friend. This gave my husband and I relief for only a few hours until we go on the transgender clinic website and wanted to die!! We couldn’t believe what we were reading and videos we were watching. This want a place to take a confused teen it was the sealed deal kinda place. We were just devastated. This clinic basically believes every person that walks in that they are trans because they feel like that. They start hormone therapy to see if this assists the person to decide if this is confusion or not. But there is zero studies or research at this clinic as to how the therapy worked just cases of people moving on to surgery to transit. This is crazy!! What about the teens that just have normal gender confusion just because they are going through puberty?? What about the 16 year old teen that has Asperger’s and was diagnosed at age 3 and is know out of no where saying she is trans bc she found a group of friends that except her and she wants to be like them. And what about all the research on how female teens on the autism spectrum are known to have true gender dyphoria at this age because of confusion about how their bodies are developing?? We found no HELP! And continue to seek help but hit dead ends all the time. This has been the first place I have found that makes any sense of all this that is happening to our youth. Can anyone put their tell us of a professional that works with Asperger teens regarding gender dysphoria and doesn’t believe they need to transit ASAP!!!! Anyone???
Hi. You haven’t said where you are from. i would try twitter and message @LisaMarchiano. She is based in the US. You could also try @docamitay. This is Dr. Oren Amitay and he is located in Canada but has a number of videos about ROGD (Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria) which is what your daughter no doubt has.
This first link is to a video with Lisa Marchiano
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AboihXXHKuw
The next three videos are part one, two and three about autism.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbaCYgCC5-o
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KsfAljD2Oc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxVm3tzdxF0&t=463s
This is what I can offer but I am sure some of the others here can provide more. When herds of girls start wearing binders together it just needs to be stopped. It’s all a lie. Don’t buy any of it. Good luck to you. I will say a prayer.
Please make sure you take your daughter to a ‘gender critical’ therapists. They are few. All others will confirm because the medical profession has gone insane.
Thank so much for your response! I just figured out that I had responses to my post. I am new at this site. I am going to watch these now! I appreciate the prayer. I am from northwest pa. I am so excited to have have any information. Thank you! And yes the medical profession is nuts and money driven
Someone alerted to your post Aspiefan. I have been living this nightmare for almost four years. My daughter is a brilliant Aspie girl who got the idea in a trans friendly school. I wrote my story a few months ago on this site about how gender clinicians used scare tactics to get me to support her social transition.
This may found drastic, but I would do whatever you can to remove her from any trans influences. It’s hard because this is everywhere. I wish that’s what I had done when this first happened to my daughter.
Thank you for your advise. I just figured out that people have responded to my post. You are the first one I read. I felt a knife shoot through my heart when you said your Brilliant aspie daughter and it’s been almost 4 years of nightmare. I am in shock still on how much of an epidemic this is. I truly believe you are right when you say remove trans influences. It’s just so hard. Like you said it’s everywhere.
Hi Aspiefan
When posting, select the option to be notified when new posts are done. If you post on different articles, just book mark them and you will always be in the loop.
You are not alone here, we sit in the same boot. Best luck to you!
Hello Aspiefan, so sorry you’re in this stressful situation. Thankfully your daughter is 16 and you have some time …though that does depend on where you live. There are many of us with Aspie and/or ADD daughters who have latched onto “I’m transgender” as a way to fit into a social group and have friends. My daughter even admitted as such, that she was trans because of friendship problems with other girls. No doubt these young women find plenty of online “friends” to encourage this warped thinking.
None of us know the answer, sadly, because the therapy community has been told to just go along with whatever anyone questioning gender identity decides for themselves. It doesn’t matter what the motivations are or underlying issues, just affirm their thinking and put them on meds. It is absolutely shocking.
They can’t see the forest for the trees.
To help you find appropriate materials & therapists, @TaniaAMarshall Tania Marshall has many books about female Aspies. Here is a video she made – https://vimeo.com/ondemand/femaleautism/282085255
Michelle Vines has a good book….she talks about hanging out with boys, not girls but realizing that she was still a girl. “Asperger’s on the Inside”
Casey Jean …an Aspie female…was trans for a while…..@caycilia
https://caseyjeanc.tumblr.com/
Good luck. Avoid therapists. Stand firm. Be strong. Love your daughter with all your heart.
My daughter is 27 and a few months ago she started hanging out with a transgender crowd. She is now doing “Drag King” performances. Although she has not admited to me that she has decided she is trans, she is defintely presenting herself this way to her new trans-friends. I don’t know if this is another one of her stages – she seems to go through them often and will change her views to match whatever new group she is hanging out with. But it is very frustrating to me – I want her to be happy, but she has many issues which will require therapy to help her deal with. She recently had a full psychological eval done, and although she told the therapist doing the eval that she felt she was in the wrong body, I don’t think she knows who she is right now. She stated she feels broken, damaged, and less than everyone else. However, these new friends are very attentive towards her, and she seems to feel accepted and loved. Thus, I think she has adopted this trans-personna to fit in. She did start dating a trans-girl, so it was still a “male-female” relationship, but it only lasted a few weeks.
She has never before expressed any confusion and she has always dated guys – although a couple were obviously gay but had not accepted that themselves. I don’t have a problem with gays, trans, etc. I do have a problem with the fact that I think my daughter is getting influenced by her new friends and is not thinking for herself because she is a lost soul. (her words). I just hope she can find herself and some happiness and contentment sooner than later.
It’s breaking my heart to see her so unhappy.
My daughter sounds like your daughter’s twin. Her story is the same from not fitting in, dating gay guys, (most of them straight), being easily influenced if she felt she fit in, many different stages she has gone through and now living with a trans couple female to male, one works at a burlesque place and looks like a drag queen (even though she is a female). These kids are so messed up and confused. I’m afraid its too late for my daughter. I believe she is on T but has never discussed it with me. She is gone from my life. I feel such great sorrow as though she has died. I need someone to talk to so badly. Of course therapy is not the right way to go since they all support trans and not the parents.
I know what you mean about feeling your daughter has died – it’s the daughter you birthed and watched grow up that seems to be gone. I think this new group of friends is influencing my daughter too much – she has even performed as a “Drag King” which is a woman in drag as a man. That’s what her “new friends” do. I look at some of the photos at the club she goes to and on Facebook and everyone wears outlandish makeup and costumes. My daughter has always loved to costume for anime conventions, Dragon-Con, etc., so the costuming really appeals to her. She is being showered with praise from this crowd which makes her want to fit in even more. I’ve recently taken her car away (for insurance reasons), so this is limiting her ability to get to the club which I hope will be a good thing. I also have her in EMDR therapy for PTSD. I’m hoping this will help some of her issues and over time she will begin to feel better about herself. She can’t work because she has so many mental health issues right now, so in a way that’s a good thing because she is still financially dependant on me. That gives me a certain amount of control in that she doesn’t have money for hormones, etc. However, she has not really presented to me a Trans. I know she is afraid to, but I also think it’s because she doesn’t really feel that way in her heart, but can’t admit it because she likes the attention she is getting. I asked one of her current roommates if he thought she was really trans, and he admitted he thinks it’s just a phase. She has not told her roommates to call her “Jasper” (her male name) so they still call her by her given name. She also made an interesting comment to me the other day…I was telling her a story about someone she was in Brownies with so long ago. This girl met a great guy on a family cruise, and now she engaged. My daughter’s response was, “Gee Mom, why can’t we go on a trip where I could meet some great guy??? I wish that would happen to me.” So, would a trans guy say that? I think not.
Hang on to your hope, that’s all I can say.
I just looked at my daughter’s Facebook and she has the words “non-binary” which I think means agender or gender fluid. She has her pronouns as he and his on Facebook so I am assuming more male than female in this non-binary world of hers. At least it gave me some hope I guess that she wasn’t fully male? Maybe not on testosterone? I don’t know much about these terms at all. What a nightmare. I will never give up being hopeful! I have been told to but I will remain hopeful.
Hi Jae
Stay your ground but don’t give up, keep the door open as much your beliefs will allow you. I suspect, sooner or later, hopefully sooner, this cult will implode in itself and they start realizing what they have done, what precious time in life they wasted. They will fall to pieces. When that happens, on a large or individual base, our daughters and sons need us, need a safe place to lick their self inflicted wounds. Most likely nobody else will be around to help them picking up the rubble this movement creates on a daily base.
Dear Doug,
I happen to agree with 99% of everything you said and I also believe what I hold to be the truth. One does not discount the other.
I am so sorry that the blog was upsetting to you. It was certainly not my intention.
Ideally, we all need to accept and respect one another’s beliefs, in love.
Sent from my iPhone
>
Most of us parents see these trans groups and the ideology as a cult. They lie and will try to talk her into believing she is not in the right body. They have absolutely no integrity. Many parents have lost their kids to this cult. I wish I could offer more advice but do tell her your fears and try to carry on an open and honest discussion. Don’t get paralzyed with fear and stay silent. Silence is their friend. These are not nice people. Hopefully others on this site will be able to provide better sources of help for you. I have read that the two top reasons that people stop this behaviour is real information that the trans ideology is bogus and better mechanisms for coping with issues whether it be dysphoria, anxiety, depression, BPD, autism spectrum or perhaps trauma.
Thank you for this article. My daughter (also a Tumblr fan) declared she was gay about 4 years ago. She has since said she was trans. I have told her that she should not take hormones or have surgery, because her body is a damned good body. All of her body works beautifully– that she should be thankful for. I think she is still figuring things out-.
She really cannot stand the extreme feminine stereotype, and I totally understand that– it is very dis-empowering. I will not call her “they” or “he”. We have open discussions about that: I let her know I’m not changing the way I refer to her, and that is because I love her and everything that she is, and “her” is what I feel is right.
Agreed that this is like a freaking fad. Weather it, parents. Be strong but non-violent, non-judgemental.
My daughter is nearly 19, and I just dropped her off at college. You bet I will continue to keep tabs and talk frankly with her. We had good laughs about the tight clans of jean-cutoff-mini-shorted sorority girls meandering about campus– that’s as much of a stereotype as anything, and is so Not her.
Keep up this blog.
My son is 21 & just told me in text on Monday that he’s transgender. He still lives at but moving out in 2 weeks & said he’s been on hormone replacement for 5 months. I knew nothing no signs no clues said he’s been amount transgender people for the past week as he said he was staying with freinds to me. Happiest he’s ever been “apparently”
Any advice…………..
Hi Julie. It appears you already understand that this is all insanity. He’s obviously been affirmed by some lying therapist or doctors and his friends are supporting him. The trans cult circles the wagons around transitioners very quickly and try to tell them that their parents don’t love them unless they support them. This will probably make you sick if it hasn’t already. It’s almost impossible to find a gender critical therapist but what he needs it to understand that men cannot become woman. He needs to understand that he has gender dysphoria or AGP (autogynephilia) which usually manifests itself as a cross dressing fetish and after a while the man usually actually starts to believe he is a woman. If you son prefers girls he would be definitely AGP but if he has always appear gay then he is HSTS (Homosexual Transsexual) which I don’t think he is from the way you are writing about him. He needs to know you love him and don’t want to lose him but that you do not believe he is a woman. Estrogen will lull a guy into more of a false sense that he is a woman. Hold to your convictions and do lots of reading. Even find some online doctors to start asking questions of. i hope others can give you better help. May God bless your family.
Thank you so much for you comment . I’m at such a loss he won’t come home still I’ve told him I love him but he won’t come home. I know it’s not about me but all I’m doing it crying because I don’t know how to help him & he needs help..
Thank you again Jane.
I am so, so sorry Julie. It’s almost like a brain washing that goes on. If I could suggest to you that you find some support. Anyone who tells you to just accept it is not your friend and don’t even try to keep those people around you right now. You should go to your doctor and consider some medication such as anti-depressants to help you cope. Many moms do. Also go to twitter and sign up under a pseudo name. 4thWaveNow has lots of parents following them that are going through the same thing. There are many therapist and doctors who know this to be a sick ideology. Go to YouTube and looks up videos by Dr. Oren Amitay. He has many videos and from there you will find others. I know you are in shock. Many parents end up with PTSD symptoms. Don’t listen to your doctor if he/she agrees that your son is trans. Many in the medical profession have gone rogue.
Tell your son you love him but do not support this. Don’t do anything to assist him financialliy or any other way. People try to scare parents with suicide threats. He is with friends so you know he is not suicidal. They are feeding off this insanity. I truly hope you can find someone who can talk to him. In the meantime try to learn about this. Check out autogynephilia and ROGD. Could be either albeit most guys have autogynephilia and girls have ROGD. We are all praying this comes to an end soon. I will send prayers to you and your son. 🙂
Hello Jane, just wanted to say thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me, it has help a.lot. My son has still not come home but I’m texting to make sure he’s ok & he is replying. I’m telling that I love him as I do with all my heart & he says he loves me to but won’t tell me when he’s coming home but he has to I know this as he got to go back to work on Tuesday & as far as the cost off it all he’s doing all his self so I have no control.
But have been researching AGP all day & have been watching some videos by Rod Fleming & it making more sense. I will also be looking up Dr Oren Amitay. But really just wanted to say thank you as you really have helped thank you so much for your time & prays. X
You are very welcome. I would only suggest that you acknowledge he has some dysphoric issues but transition will make it worse. All the best to you and your family.
Hello
I just recently had my 22 year old daughter tell me she is transgender, that she wants to be a boy. I am so lost & confused. I feel like this is coming out of left field. She has never shown any signs of wanting to be a boy. She is a beautiful young woman that always acted happy with her looks. She had two serious boyfriends, one that she lived with which I feel is what started this path of hers. He broke up with her last summer, she was so devastated that she even talked suicide. He went around telling their friends she abused him which we saw no signs off. She not only lost her boyfriend but her friends too.I got her to go to therapy which I thought was helping, she even decided she wanted to quit therapy. After a few months of not being in therapy I noticed her getting angry again & withdrawn. Being more depressed & unhappy with herself & who she was, she would forget to pay bills, one time which caused her power to get turned off. I have tried to talk to her after the initial shock of it all, to see why she wants to change who she is but I don’t get a straight answer & she gets so angry with me. I had not seen my daughter in a few weeks but finally got her to go out to lunch with me this week and when I saw her I almost broke down. She was dressed like a boy. I held it together & had lunch with her. I even told her I was happy to see her. I am just so lost on what to do. I have a family member who is bisexual that my daughter had confided in before she told me, she actually was there when my daughter informed me. She is all for my daughter making this drastic change to her body. She is even the one who took her shopping. I feel until my daughter can love who she is on the inside how can she even know what she loves on the outside. I’m afraid if she makes this life altering change because she feels it is away to escape, that she will regret it and it will cause more damage to her life.
Any advice on how to get her to talk to me? Or how to talk to the family member to get her to understand and back off a bit. This isn’t some used car she is trying to sale but my daughters life. I want my daughter to be happy, truly happy.
Renee I am so sorry. There are many on this site who can offer you much better advice than I. I have given some advice recently and it pertains to your situation too. Please read the past few posts. I would say one thing though and that is to tell this bisexual relative to butt out of your daughters life. Make no doubt about it this person has become your enemy and them supporting your daughter is covert activity. This is not your friend or support. Shut out anyone who expects you to buy this. You don’t need them in your life right now. Take care of yourself. We all know what you went through seeing your daugher like that and how sick on every level it has made you.
Thank you
Hi Renne, I have just read you post & I know exactly how are you feeling my son’s 21 & just said the same to well he sent me a text on Monday & he hasn’t come home since. I’m in peices all I’m doing is crying I feel so very helpless but I can only what I have been told which your doing already is telling her you live her & don’t want her to change. I was also told to research Autogynephilia AGP. & have watched a lot of videos by Rod Fleming which have help me understand a little more.
I hope that this will help you but also knowing that I am feeling the same as you I that your not a lone. I hope things will get back to NORMAL as I’m hoping it will for me too. I hope & pray that they go back to being the happy young people they once were.
Take care Renee. X
Thank you for your input & kind words.
I pray everyday that it will get easier to understand, I am taking one day at a time. I wish you & your son the best.
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Your comment was not published because you violated our comment policy (clearly stated in bold on right sidebar on the home page of our site): “We don’t publish comments which spread suicide contagion and/or misleading information about suicidality.”
We suggest you read our latest post, an interview with a therapist who works with trans-identified teens, particularly this passage:
//4thwavenow.com/2018/09/20/toward-a-more-nuanced-exploration-an-interview-with-sasha-ayad/