A few months ago, my teenage daughter stopped trying to “pass” as male. She dropped the self-defined-as-male uniform (emphasis on SELF), the stereotyped swagger and the fake-deepened voice and —moved on. Her fervent desire to be seen and treated as a boy (as opposed to a gender-atypical girl) faded away, just as other formerly unshakable ideas and urges had in the past. And our relationship has never been better.
Although I’ve allowed myself to exhale, just a little, she will remain at risk, because every sector of society—the media, the government, the schools, medicine and psychology–is now saturated with the message that if you’re a “gender nonconforming” girl–one who prefers the clothing, activities, and hairstyle more typical of the opposite sex– you just might actually be a boy.
What did I, and the other adults who love her, do? It hasn’t been easy. In fact, for a time it was a living hell, a purgatory of slammed doors, stony silence, yelling matches, and mostly—waiting.
There was no magic answer. We rode it out. I learned something about keeping my mouth shut. About saying my piece and then leaving it be. About living with uncertainty. We didn’t cater to demands for instant gratification. We paid for and encouraged activities that would get her out into nature and off the Internet. Mostly, we waited.
I drew a clear line in the sand: There would be no money to pay for a gender therapist, testosterone, or a binder. If she wanted to pursue those things at the age of medical majority, that would be her choice—and it would be on her dime. At the same time, I let her know that her clothing and hairstyle choices were hers to make. Further: I purchased the “men’s” clothing (including underwear), paid for the haircuts, supported all the other stuff she wanted to do or wear that is more “male typical.” Not always successfully, I tried to calmly and sparingly convey the message that however she dressed, whatever interests she pursued, she was a female—perhaps an unusual one, but a young woman nevertheless, who might someday become a role model to show other girls just how amazing and truly “gender-expansive” a woman can be.
Like many who read this blog, I phoned gender therapists during the weeks after her announcement that she was trans. Without even meeting my child in the flesh, all four of these therapists talked to me like this trans thing was a done deal. I wrote about one of those conversations here. One very friendly therapist, an FTM whose website stressed commitment to “informed consent,” assured me that there was no need for my daughter to first experience a sexual or romantic relationship before deciding whether she was trans. “Most of the young people just skip that step now,” the therapist said.
Skip that step? I thought back to my own adolescence. I didn’t even begin to have a clear idea of who I was, as a sexual being, until after I’d had more than one relationship. It took years for me to come to know my body’s nuances and intricacies, its capacity for pleasure, how I might feel in relation to another. [Update: for lesbian youth in particular, this process can be a long one, on average not complete until one’s early 20s]
This same therapist signed my kid up for a “trans teen” support group scheduled for the following week—again, without ever having met her. “There’s nothing you or I can do about your daughter being trans,” said another therapist… on the phone, without having met my kid. Yet another therapist refused to talk to me at all; insisted she’d have to have a private appointment with my kid first.
Contrary to the myth promulgated by the transition promoters, at least in the United States, there is no slow and careful assessment of these kids who profess to be trans. The trend is to kick out the gatekeepers, and move towards a simple model of “informed consent”: If you say you’re trans, you are–no matter how young and no matter when you “realized” you were trans.
All these therapists seemed well meaning enough. They believed they were doing the correct thing. But with each conversation, I felt more and more uneasy. My gut feeling that something wasn’t right led me to research, to question…to put the brakes on. And the more I read, and thought, and understood, the more determined I became to find an alternative. I started this blog out of sheer desperation. I needed to find someone, anyone, who understood what I was going through. I needed other parents to talk to—badly.
My kid never did go to a gender therapist. Never did sit in a room full of “trans teens.” If she had, I feel certain she’d be sporting a beard right now.
When I first started blogging, I got a lot of hate mail. In every anonymous drive-by comment, the hater referred to my “son” who would grow up to hate my guts. “He” would surely commit suicide, and more than one of them wished me a lifetime of misery when that inevitably happened. Even the mildest posts resulted in hostile reblogs from strangers who had not the slightest idea of my family’s situation.
At first, these anonymous barbs stung, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that I could rely on my inner parental compass. Because, see, I know my daughter. I knew, when she suddenly began spouting the gender-policed jargon planted in her head by Tumblr trans activists, that this wasn’t who she really was. This was a girl who, all through childhood, was never “gender conforming” but who was secure in herself because I’d made sure she knew, via my words and my example, that girls could be and do anything.
Most of all, I knew she needed me—not to blindly “support” and give in to her every demand, but to simply BE THERE, even as a limit; a steady place she could push and rail against. It was scary, and painful, being on the receiving end of teen outrage. Because a teenager does have the right to make some of their own decisions. Later adolescence is a time of individuation, dawning adulthood. Haranguing or lecturing not only gets you nowhere, it isn’t fair. Negotiation is probably the most important parenting skill when it comes to high-school-aged youth. And no parent gets it right all the time. (Paradoxically, part of being a halfway decent parent is knowing how imperfect you are at the job.) But one thing became more and more clear to me: my child did not need a parent who would collaborate in sending her down a road to being a permanent medical patient. In fact, she needed protection from the very same people who were sending me hate mail on Tumblr.
Not so long ago, child and adolescent psychologists—people who actually study the development of young human beings—were frequently cited and quoted. These experts, as well as every other rational adult, were well aware that kids shift identities: try this one on, shed it like a snake skin, try on another. Younger kids go through a long and wonderful period of make believe and magical thinking. They are actually convinced they ARE the identity they try on. And adolescents are renowned for trying on hairstyles, belief systems, clothing styles—only to discard them after a few weeks, months, or maybe even years.
In contrast to today’s social-media-fueled paradigm, when a kid’s announcement that they are the opposite sex is taken at face value by seemingly everyone around them, it was previously understood that adults were largely responsible for the inculcation of gender stereotypes into children’s minds. Children aren’t born hating their sexed bodies. They only grow to reject themselves when someone they look up to promotes the idea that their likes and dislikes in clothing, toys, activities, or other pursuits are seen as incongruent with their natal sex.
A child’s burgeoning sense of self, or self-concept, is a result of the multitude of ideas, attitudes, behaviors, and beliefs that he or she is exposed to. The information that surrounds the child and which the child internalizes comes to the child within the family arena through parent-child interactions, role modeling, reinforcement for desired behaviors, and parental approval or disapproval (Santrock, 1994). As children move into the larger world of friends and school, many of their ideas and beliefs are reinforced by those around them. A further reinforcement of acceptable and appropriate behavior is shown to children through the media, in particular, television. Through all these socialization agents, children learn gender stereotyped behavior. As children develop, these gender stereotypes become firmly entrenched beliefs and thus, are a part of the child’s self-concept.
… Often, parents give subtle messages regarding gender and what is acceptable for each gender – messages that are internalized by the developing child (Arliss, 1991). Sex role stereotypes are well established in early childhood. Messages about what is appropriate based on gender are so strong that even when children are exposed to different attitudes and experiences, they will revert to stereotyped choices (Haslett, Geis, & Carter, 1992).
We have people like this: the mother of a six-year-old girl who has “transitioned” to male, writing storybooks to indoctrinate kindergartners. To suggest to them that they, too, might really be the opposite sex:
“Can the doctor have made a mistake? Was I supposed to have been born a boy? Am I the only kid in the world like this?”
Deep down, Jo Hirst had been anticipating these questions. And she knew she had to get the answers right.
It was bedtime, and her six-year-old was curled up on her lap. Assigned female at birth, from 18 months of age Hirst’s son* had never wanted to wear female clothing and always played with boys.
I challenge anyone to find me a single account of a “transgender child” which does NOT resort to talking about toys, hairstyle, clothing, or play stereotypes to justify the diagnosis of “trans” in a young child.
Our kids are being cheated of the opportunity, the breathing space, to simply explore who they are without a gaggle of adults jumping in to interfere with the process by “validating” their frequently transient identities. Kids are being encouraged to freeze their sense of self in a moment in time, during the period of life when everything is in flux. And even though key researchers have said over and over again that most gender dysphoric kids “desist” and grow up to be gay or lesbian; even though the latest research denies any such thing as a “male” or “female” brain, parents are encouraged to socially transition their kids, put them on “puberty blockers,” and refer to them by “preferred pronouns.”
For very young children, this cementing of the child’s identity in a period when they most need the freedom to simply play and explore—to “make believe”—is essentially stunting the child’s development.
Young children go through a stage where it is difficult for them to distinguish reality from fantasy. Among many other things, it’s why we have ratings on films. A young child can’t understand that the monster onscreen is not real.
Research indicates that children begin to learn the difference between fantasy and reality between the ages of 3 and 5 (University of Texas, 2006). However, in various contexts, situations, or individual circumstances, children may still have difficulty discerning the difference between fantasy and reality as old as age 8 or 9, and even through age 11 or 12. For some children this tendency may be stronger than with others.
Just exactly what is motivating doctors and psychologists to jettison decades of research and clinical practice in favor of a completely unsubstantiated and unproven hypothesis of “transgender from birth”? The glib answer is: suicide. But if a gender nonconforming youth expresses the desire to self harm, encouraging that youth to further dissociate from their whole selves (because the body and mind, contrary to the bleating of trans activists, are not separate units, but a whole) is not a responsible way to support mental health. As this commenter said in a recent post on GenderTrender:
Wow. Conservatives aren’t the only ones who suck at science. Brain sex? Seriously? If you’re allegedly born in the wrong body, why doesn’t your brain count as part of the “wrong body”? Your brain is telling the truth but the rest of your body is a liar? Wtf? This shit is as sensible as scientology.
Teens often pick up on cues and assimilate ideas presented in movies/films viewed in the movie theater and other sources, (online sources for watching movies now eclipse movie theater viewings or film DVD rentals for teens), and while teens already understand the difference between fantasy and reality, they may still absorb or become attached to ideas that are powerfully presented in films but that have no basis in reality, the teen not having enough experience or knowledge to sort propaganda from fact, fiction from reality. Films, television programs, music and statements from celebrities can [and do] become a part of the thinking and emotional/psychological makeup of teens and children.
This used to be a “duh” thing. Are teens influenced by what they imbibe, what’s in fashion, what celebrities (like Jazz Jennings and Caitlyn Jenner and Laverne Cox) are doing, what their peers are saying and doing? Might socially isolated teens be even more swayed by what they see on social media, while they sit for hours, alone in their rooms?
“Facebook depression,” defined as emotional disturbance that develops when preteens and teens spend a great deal of time on social media sites, is now a very real malady. Recent studies have shown that comparisons are the main cause of Facebook depression; the study showed that down-comparison (comparing with inferiors) was just as likely to cause depression as up-comparison (comparing with people better than oneself).
…Other risks of extensive social networking among youth are loss of privacy, sharing too much information, and disconnect from reality.
My daughter, like so many others I’ve now heard about, emerged from months of self-imposed social isolation and YouTube/Reddit binges, to announce, out of the blue, that she was transgender. And simply for questioning this, for refusing to hop aboard the train, I’ve been labeled a “child abuser” of my “son”? Until the last few years, parents who recognized that teens go through phases weren’t considered abusive. They were considered well informed.
Not so long ago, parents and helping professionals neither interfered with nor bolstered a particular identity that a kid was trying on. Everyone understood this was an important part of growing up: to allow our young to experiment, to see what worked and what didn’t. It’s called the development of a self. It takes years. It’s not even complete at 21. The self doesn’t emerge, fully formed and immutable at birth. It develops in response to experience, to love, and to adversity.
Given my own daughter’s desistence from the idea that she is or was ever “transgender,” I feel even more strongly that parents are right to resist the push by every sector of society to identify “gender dysphoric” minors as “trans.” Yes, some of these young people may go on to identify as the opposite sex; some will seek medical transition. But what the current atmosphere has done is rob them of the crucial time they need to figure it all out. Medical transition was once a rare, adult-only decision. I’m in favor of a return to that more reasonable approach to the matter.
So you bet I’m going to keep doing what I can to support parents who want to at least delay an adolescent’s decision to permanently alter body and mind with hormones and surgeries. You bet I’m going to try to save my own kid from what amounts to a cult that won’t let you leave if you change your mind, without serious social consequences. You bet I’m going to continue to protect my daughter and others like her from a lifetime of difficulty, from the rapacious medical industry that is profiting from the regressive resurgence and marketing of gender stereotypes.
You can also bet that I’m going to continue shedding light on the frankly insane practice of labeling very young children as transgender, conditioning them as preschoolers to believe their own bodies are somehow wrong and alien, that they must undergo teasing and torment from other children, that they must wear prosthetics to amplify or hide their own genitalia to be accepted as they are. Or just as bad: That the entire world must be browbeaten into redefining biological reality such that “some girls have penises” and “some boys have vaginas.”
And this work is not just about protecting kids. It’s also about supporting family members and friends who are deeply affected by the transgender narrative. Extremist trans activists, the media, the doctors and psychiatrists–none of them talk about the terrible damage done to the family system, to the fabric of close relationships, when a child “transitions.” All the activists have to say is that the skeptical parents and loved ones are “transphobes.” No one talks about the fact that the majority of these dysphoric kids would grow up to be gay or lesbian adults if not interfered with; adults with healthy, intact bodies, not dependent on drugs and carved up by surgeons’ knives.
So we have to keep talking about it. We have to keep the lights on in our corner of the Internet, even if only to document this strange medical and cultural fad for future historians.
Thanks to everyone who is traveling this road with me. While I know we often feel swamped and hopeless, we have each other for strength and courage. And for now, that will have to be enough.
I am currently going through this with my daughter. I would love to have someone to talk to but don’t feel comfortable talking on a public forum.
Go to https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/ and register to participate on a closed forum (security not 100% guaranteed, though, so avoid mentioning identifying details). You can also sign up for an in person parent support group by going to https://www.parentsofrogdkids.com/ and clicking on the red bar at the top of the home page.
I think everyone in this comment section needs to support their child. While you may be their legal caretaker, you have no right to judge what they are feeling, and have been feeling for years. Please, support your children before it’s too late and they only have bad memories of you. Unaccepting parents are the reason I haven’t come out to my family as a trans boy. Gender dysphoria and trans people are real and valid, and I suggest you try to learn more and understand the pain your kids are going through, and how much worse you are making them feel. Now, leave this comment section with peace in your heart, and try to accept your kids, because, contrary to popular belief, kids are smart enough to know who they are.
I am more than sure that everyone on here supports their kids. What we do not support is brainwashing from the trans community on the internet making young kids believe they are in the wrong body. My daughter never exhibited any signs that she wanted to be a boy until she fell in with a group at the age of 12. In my heart, I know it’s a phase. If she was like this at the age of 3, I would have seen it and felt it. I’m a stay at home mom. No one knows my kids like I do. It’s becoming a trend.Maybe you should come out to your parents and then preach to them on how they should support you wanting to maim your body to change your gender.
I agree, I’m a single parent and have raised my daughter since she was a baby. The entire time she was the girliest girl possible. Braided hair, makeup as soon as she was allowed, high heeled shoes, dresses, cute outfits, earrings. She had no interest in anything that boys did. Once she got into high school she joined the gay club at school, just as girly. After that she announced she was a lesbian. It didn’t get any sort of reaction from us, we said okay. So then she said she was asexual, pansexual, went through every one trying to get a reaction from us. A few months back she tried a new one, said she was now a pansexual transexual and was really a boy trapped in a body suffering from dysphoria. Everybody that knows her knows it is bullshit, she’s just trying to fit in with the group she joined.
She shaves her head now, wears no makeup, got rid of her earrings and jewelry and cute shoes, gave away all of her dresses and cute outfits and now only wears boy clothing. She still acts like a girl, and obsesses over certain guys in various bands. She doesn’t shave her legs or armpits but keeps her head shaved constantly. She also bashes us constantly on social media for not letting her get a penis. This isn’t my daughter, other kids are convincing her to do all of this and she’s just going along since she’s a natural follower. She looks exactly like every other girl in the gay club now, and it’s sad to see what she’ll do to fit in. She hasn’t had friends in many years, and never brings anybody home.
I’ve known my daughter for the past 15 years, and know this isn’t really her. That’s why this thread is here, because the internet and youtube stars have convinced kids that they’re trans when they’re just going through puberty and are scared of their bodily changes.
https://transcendgenders.blogspot.com/
For the past year and a half my daughter has wanted to be a boy. I didn’t encourage it but I fully supported her–bought boys clothes, cut her hair short, got her a “binder” for her chest…’
Well, this morning she, out of the blue (no prompting) said, “Mom, I don’t want to be a boy anymore.” To therapists reading this: If a female is girly until she turns 12 or 13 and then becomes convinced she is a boy…and her mother tells you that she’s NOT TRANSGENDER, listen to the mom instead of judging her!!!
This is seriously one of the best days of my life. I have my girl back!
I’m currently going through this with my daughter & It’s absolutely killing me. She’s only 22 & has never once in her entire childhood ever told me she felt like a boy. Then all of the sudden at age 21 she tells me she’s really a man & I’m to use male pronouns and call her a new name. She’s made an appointment to start hormones in less than 2 months. She wants surgery too. I can’t handle the thought of any of this & I feel physically ill. She’s never even seen a therapist of any kind & the state I live in will allow her to transition without any therapy first. I have no one to turn to, no one to understand my fears. I’m an open minded mother, I’m perfectly ok if she’s gay. But I cannot bare the pain the entire transgender thing is causing me. I don’t want my daughter’s body butchered apart. This is the scariest thing I’ve ever had to face.
I am so sorry. Your story is common. It’s ROGD. A social contagion. In other words an almost cult like trend supported by many fools. Try to get her to buy time and openly call around to see if you can find a therapst who will look at comorbid issues-issues that may make her thnk she is a guy. It will be very difficult. In the meantimeif you can put your foot down and tell her no hormones for at least a year so she has time to rethink it. Your feelings are 100% correct. I would also suggest you don’t bring too many people into the discussion. This destroys familes. You don’t need anone making you even more upset. My heart breaks for you.
Yes, this is the scariest thing I’ve had to face as well. It’s gone on 2+ years now, My daughter is only 16 and as far as I know has only socially transitioned, but everyday I fear her taking this to the next level behind my back. I will do what I can to stop her from ruining her body. I’m angry at the lack of true support she has in our family. She puts a post on Facebook about changing her name and pronouns, and “family” is blindly clicking the Like button as if she just said she got a new pet goldfish! That is NOT support, but dangerously affirming and anchoring a delusion. NONE of them (except one) have talked to her about any of this, but like her father, they just put on a fake smile and go along with it to keep the peace. That’s not love. Yes, this is definitely breaking apart the family.
You certainly have your head in the right place. Vent whenever you want. Stay strong.
Why are doctors so eager to put my daughter on testosterone to make her feel like the “boy” she is on the inside? Why not put her on estrogen to make her feel like the girl she was actually born to be??? The state of medical care for young people that think they are trans is absolutely ridiculous. Everyone I’ve talked to thinks I need to leave my daughter alone & just let her cut her body to shreds & start testosterone immediately. I’m disgusted with Planned Parenthood & the ease at which they let young people altar their lives & bodies. I need real help before it’s too late & I can’t find anyone.
Its so frustrating. I just found a binder in my daughter’s backpcK. I am waiting to ask where she got it. She is seeing some counselor at school and im not allowed to ask even what they are talking about! 14 years old and she can have any old adults influencing her and rubber stamping all this! Im irate.
My daughter started with a binder too. At the time she was about 18 & she said her large breasts made her self conscious & she didn’t feel comfortable in any of the bras I had bought her. She even discussed a breast reduction for her because her breasts are very large. I dismissed the binder & never in my wildest dreams had I thought she wanted to be a boy. This is truly a nightmare. Friends and family are encouraging her too. It’s breaking my heart & tearing my family apart. Her very young toddler to grade school nieces are so confused. Their aunt is now their uncle & has a different name. They don’t know how to react because they don’t understand. My career is falling apart because this is consuming my mind. This is so painful.
Thankful that I found this blog and these comments. Chrissy, we seem to be in a very similar situation. My young adult daughter has also recently told our family that she is a man and has started the process to transgender. This is a feminine girl, never a tomboy. She came out as lesbian as a teen. We supported her, supported her relationships with women. Not that we didn’t question it when she first came out, we did. But we accepted it, and her, and supported and loved her through it all.
She just ended a long term relationship with another young woman and almost immediately started dating a guy who had been born a woman. Suddenly she is a man too. It used to be that you had to go through counseling for a year before you were eligible to start the transgender process. Well, not anymore. Now you have a counselor that you see once. Tell them you were born in the wrong body. And just like that, referral to a physician who will prescribe hormones.
I have asked her to go through counseling for a year. I have asked her to step away from this new relationship, particularly because it started immediately after her long term relationship ended. She will not even consider this. It is absolutely killing me. I love my child, but I do not want to lose the daughter who was born to me
It is hard. My mom and I went through this. Make sure you let your child know that their decision is risky and that you will support them if they take the proper steps.
I didn’t notice the date you posted your comment. I’m going through the same thing with my daughter who turned 19 last November. When she was about 16 she started having anger issues and depression and started dressing more boyish. She changed her name (legally) when she turned 18 and now she’s injecting testosterone. My heart is crushed at the thought of what she’s doing to herself. She won’t listen to me about the dangers/side effects – many which are irreversible. She told me last night she knows what she’s doing and I should butt out of her life. I am struggling so bad and don’t know what to do.
If your child does not experience body dysphoria then they are not trans. Figure that out first.
I’m going through this with my daughter and I absolutely agree with every word in this post. I’m supportive, we’ve cut her hair and shopped for boys clothes, but I’m not encouraging this behavior. I’m not sending her to a therapist that will encourage it. She’s a she and I strongly suspect that she’ll grow out of it. Not every experimental kid wants to switch genders.
You should at least schedule just one appointment with a therapist to get your kid diagnosed with dysphoria. That’s all you need To know they’re actually trans
Thank u for that. Im going through this now and have nowhere to turn. My son told me and then a day later recanted most of what he said. I stayed calm and supportive and he said when he told me he felt different. Hes very intelligent and a loner. It seems to come and go but during times of trauma like when his aunt committed suicide. I have had the same response from therapists. Shut me down the second i told them about his change of mund. I feel trapped and alone.
Thank you for bringing this to light! I agree that labelling kids as young as 11 as “trans” or whatever is ridiculous. It is a stupid stupid trend. Kids who haven’t even hit puberty! Let them become an adult. Then decide. Thank you for making this blog!
Thank you so much for this. I very much agree with every word you’ve said. I have a teen granddaughter that I helped raise and am still very involved with, going through this same thing. Suddenly, out of the blue, a year ago she decided she’s trans. Binder, hair, clothes, suicide threats, etc. What really caught my attention in your article was the acknowledgement of the effect this has on the whole family. It is in a word, chaos. On the one hand, I don’t want to make her feel guilty for the sadness and worry and concern this has brought to our family but on the other, she needs to know that this path she’s on not only effects her but everyone she comes in contact with. I very much believe that parents have an obligation to be the consist voice of reason in this situation. If the don’t hear it from us, they won’t hear it. Thank you.
Same problem so sad and confusing and no one to talk to
Going thru this with my 16 year old…she went from thinking she was gay at 12, then bi a 14 then wanting to be a boy over the last 2 years. I always just say I wont buy you frilly pink clothes but I’m not buying you boys clothes either. I tell her I will love her no matter what and when she is an adult and out on her own she can pursue anything she likes on her own dime. She gets a little irritated with me but never angry or disrespectful. Shes a great kid. I think she is just trying to find her place. She gained weight in middle school and I believe some of this stems from not being happy with that….she wants someone to want her and seems to be trying to fit in. She had never dated. I didnt allow it before she was 16 nor has anyone approached her. I dont get on her about weight. It didnt work for me with me parents. I say my prayers every night that she will love herself one day and see what I see. She is chubby and beautiful and I LOVE HER just as she is:)
My daughter ran a similar path. She said she was “pan sexual” around 12 or 13, then had a girlfriend at school. (I didn’t worry, it was a private school and they had no time to hang out really). Then she was emo, wearing only black and dark eye liner. Then she wrote a letter to us at 14 that she was transgender and “yes I’m sure”. I look back now and see all the similarities in words and behavior as others have described. Oddly just a month or two ago, after 2 years, there was another letter saying she’s figured out she really is a boy, and previously she wasn’t sure. I had no idea for the last 2 years she “wasn’t sure”. It actually brought hope that, if the doubt was there though she never said it, maybe it’s still there. I’d imagine it has to be, because being in the “wrong body” simply makes no logical sense. So I’ll just continue doing what I do, standing my ground and picking my battles in the most loving way I can.
I am going through the same thing. My daughter 14 in December just told me she feels like shes a boy and is uncomfortable. This is been going on since she hit middle school. Pan at first then gay now trans. I feel so lost I dont know what to do. Does anybody have any updates on your kids?
Where is all this coming from? Why is it so common???
Social media. Theres a u tuber called Miles Chronicles. He has 1 million followers. He is FTM, had breast surgery . Starts out his first video’s. “ I was depressed, hated my body, and used self harm so I thought maybe I was trans. “ What teen doesn t relate to that?
My mom and I went through this. I am transsexual, and I will tell you this; what you just rear isn’t entirely accurate. Male and female brains are a thing. However, if someone does not have BODY dysphoria, they are not trans. The whole “i dont like dolls and i play with the boys” is bs. Therapy is also necessary, to find out if there is something else going on. Most likely your daughter could be trans as real trans guys usually follow the same pattern; come out sa lesbian, then trans. She is probably confused and in need of gender therapy.
There is no good evidence whatsoever that there are “male” and “female” brains. That study is absolute junk science, most of it has been recanted, no studies have ever produced similar results and its just generally regarded as inaccurate garbage.
The basis of the study relied on certain areas of brains being bigger or more active in males vs females. The study was conducted with a small sample size and with NO consideration for differences across cultures, age, etc. Of course if you’re raised in a society that emphasizes emotional maturity for females and emotional suppression for males, as just one example, your brains are going to develop differently. However that is social emotional development and is different across countries with different cultures around gender. NOT evidence of male vs female brains.
I say this as a trans man who transitioned many many moons ago. I too clung to this study as “proof” to validate who I am. But I realized I don’t need some dumb brain scan to validate who I am. And regardless of that, the study itself is absolute junk science no matter how you look at it. Even if there were “male brains” and “female brains”, that study did not conclusively prove that at all.
These stories sound as if you all are spying on me and writing about it. I am so thankful i found this article and your comments to read and help put my anxiety, depression and anger to ease that i am not the only parent going through this. This all sounds so familiar. I totally feel this is a direct result of social media brainwashing. I want to love my child & make sure there is support , but on the othet hand not come accross as condoning. Augh the struggles of parenthood. Thanks for letting me vent.
So my 16 year old came out about a year ago ( which we,her Dad/my husband,my youngest daughter and I, already knew she was gay). That isn’t an issue at all. Well 3 months ago, she said that she wants to be a boy. She wants to get rid of her breast and wants to have a penis. We didn’t take it very good. We didn’t yell at her but we did give her the 3rd degree.
She hates labels but she actually labels things like, hairspray,certain colors,activities and anything that sounds like a ” girl thing to do”.
In November, she decided to tell her great aunt that she wants to be a boy but now doesn’t want a penis but does still want to remove her breast.
Her dad and I told her that we would not pay for the surgery but if the day comes and she is still wanting to do that, I would be at the hospital every minute she’s in there. We’ve tried to be supportive. I have bought her a few boy shirts, let her cut her hair really short, ( we told her it could be short but it still had to look somewhat feminine) when she was dating we let her girlfriend come over and let them go on dates with and without us being there.
She is seeing a counselor and she does really enjoy it.
Just recently we found out that she is having her friends call her by he,his and him.
I can’t do it anymore. I need to put my foot down but I don’t want to push her away. I had to tell her in October that this is a subject that I can’t be there for because I don’t understand and no matter how hard I try, I’m never going to understand. I know that it was harsh to say, especially since we are so close that she tells me everything.
I’m not a bad mom but I can’t support this. I don’t know what to do, I don’t want a son but I don’t want to lose my daughter.
I feel like society is saying, ” that’s not puberty, that’s you not being the right gender”. It’s parents against the world and the world is winning. My daughter became a tomboy when she was around 6 yrs old. She loves cars,girls and other “guy things”, which is why she says that she should be a boy. I’ve told her many times that girls can like to do “guy things” without being a boy.
I’m fine with the waiting process but I’m not sure what to do while I’m waiting. I did tell her that I will/would still love her no matter where life takes her. Her dad has said the same.
Often times, people find out they are trans because og puberty and being distressed with breasts developing; however, not all girls going through puberty are trans. This is why there is therapy to find out what the real problem is. Be patient, figure it out, and it is okay not to understand.
I’m experiencing the same exact thing. And it’s a sad situation. Hard to talk to anyone, unless they are living it.
I am so thankful to find a blog that is truthful.
The blog is right in the sense that there are a lot of transtrenders nowadays. I would watch Kalvin Garrah on youtube. Male and female brains are real though. Autopsies on brains show that the more white or gray matter determine your gender. But yeah, people can only be trans if they have genuine body dysphoria.
I do not believe you are correct that there are female and male brains. There are many false articles about this.
The problem with researching “are there male and female brains”, or is transgender real, or how do I know if I’m trans, or is the earth flat or round… Is that you can almost always find research (and sometimes volumes of it, even written by prestigious sources) to support whatever you want to believe. There’s a ridiculous amount of information on the internet at our fingertips, and obviously not all of it can be correct. Perhaps there’s a bit of truth and untruth in just about everything.
That leaves us having to rely on our experiences. And since all of us experience everything in life in our own unique way, you can quickly see how convoluted it all can get.
So here we are, sharing our experiences and our interpretations of our experiences. We take what we want or need and leave the rest. But in all fairness, to say “the science shows…” it just doesn’t fly anymore.
Hi friends; could you share the link to the support boards/forums? Needing the extra support. Feeling at my wits end. If this is a phase, it is certainly a long one. My daughter was fine till we moved to a new state a couple years ago. She started middle school, felt out of place, fell into a “diverse” crowd and that’s when the confusion happened. She said she was gay, then, bi, then pan, (I had to google that), then she said she was saying all that to cover up that she is a male on the inside. She got her long hair cut, wanted a binder and puberty blockers. I never heard of these things until she mentioned them, if the truth be known. She wanted to be referred to by a male name. Friends even wrote that name and her yearbook. I about lost it. Funny thing… Every now and then, I catch her old self coming back. I caught her in my bathroom with my make up. She said she was just playing around and thinks make up is gross. She’s been using up all of my rose scented bath gel and lotion. But then she gets very upset and offended if I text her old pictures of her self from over the years. She was a complete girly girl up until middle school when she hooked up with these friends. Funny thing still, she has been chatting with a boy she met online. She absolutely adores him. Yes, I am diligent in checking out who she is speaking to. She says he doesn’t mind that she is a boy. Honestly? I cannot figure out kids today. I figured I did something wrong to make her this way. All of her old friends in our home state are still girly, over achievers, winning awards. My daughter thinks she’s a dude and could care less about awards.I have her in counseling. This woman specializes in whatever this “trend” is that these kids are going through. She works with young adults who had gender issues as little kids. She is working with my daughter on self esteem and is seemingly trying to shift focus off this gender stuff. Meanwhile my husband has the patience of a saint. My hair is turning white and falling out. I always assure her that I love her, and that I am not going anywhere. I guess that’s not enough. In sad need of reassurance that this will pass. She was a princess. She embraced her femininity. There was no flags when she was younger. It all happened when we moved here. I’m sick over this. And to be honest? Embarrassed. I feel like I failed her somehow.
As a trans guy, I can assure you that your daughter is not trans. Her friends probably embedded the thought into her mind unintentionally. Stick with her through the phase, you are a good mom and doing your best.
You aren’t trans.
I am a trans male aswell howeverr i do not agree with you, im sure you’ve seen femme boys how like to wear make up,yeah? Trans men and cis men are both the same the only slight differnce is the gender thay where born with, so unless thay do not have disphoya, thay are a man
Hi Paloma, sorry for the late reply but I just saw your post. I’m hoping you have already found the parents’ forum, but if not, follow the link below and click on “register” in the black bar toward the top of the page. All members are manually approved, so approval might take a little while, but once approved you will have access to the members-only forums. https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/index.php
Your story sounds so similar to my daughters.. its crazy. We moved to a different state, lived there a year and after all this decided to move back to get her away from the friend’s she was keeping. It hasnt solved it but we are holding strong to our belief this is social contagion. Shes been far less depressed, and we do keep a keen eye on every one she takes to. She no longer has a phone. She loves drawing, lotions, chick flicks, japanese culture, stil carries her two PINK blankets around the house from when she was a baby! Its crazy. My feeling is she is just super confused, maybe gay, even though she was obsessed with this boy from her old school. Oh momma, i feel for u. It causes me so much stress. The schools are no help. Other friends are no help. They are all lost in that liberal narrative. I too am veey liberal but this has changed me to my core. It is brain washibg.
How old is your daughter? It’s interesting to me that my daughter was/is also immersed in Japanese culture. It started with anime shows when she was younger, but became learning to speak and write in Japanese, and listening to their music. She doesn’t watch anime anymore, but her sister and dad do. I don’t care for them in the least as it seems every episode there are girls crying loudly and dramatically, and it’s like nails on a chalkboard to me. I think I’m become overly sensitive to gender in culture now and how it’s portrayed, as I try to see how those roles have shaped how my daughter may be feeling.
WOW! My daughter also got immersed into Japanese culture before all this happened. Just like someone else mentioned, it started with anime. Only thing she’ll watch. She draws it all day, and is now obsessed with BTS, a Korean pop boy group that wear makeup and appear very transgender. It’s like she wants to look like them..a boy that looks like a girl. Before all this, we also moved out of state her 1st yr of middle school. She didn’t fit in. She had her 1st SERIOUS crush on a boy that acted like a friend and then treated her badly. She’s stop talking to him, he’d come back around with apologies, then crush her again. She went into a deep depression and started having suicidal thoughts but she didn’t tell me that part till a year later. Then we moved back to our hometown and she couldn’t find her place. Met a transgender boy, git the idea, then got really close to a new girl who shared her love of anime and they “fell in love”. They weren’t dating but when my daughter came out to me about their feelings, she went into a crazy episode from crying hysterically saying “it hurts” to screaming at me like a lunatic. All of this when all I had done was say I understand they have feelings but she’s too young to date. I was baffled at her emotional outburst. She locked herself in the bathroom. I gave her a few, then asked her to open the door only to find her sitting there with a razor out. I panicked. Ended up taking her to ER. They released her after an evaluation and set her up in outpatient therapy. She’s been going for a few months now and hasn’t shown any signs of suicidal ideation since, but her moods are like that of someone with bipolar or bpd. She’ll be so happy for a time and then boom, depression hits or angry outburst. She’s been outright defying me sometimes, questioning why she has to do things I ask her to do, acting the boss of herself, and demanding things. She was always such a good, well behaved child. Sweet as a lollipop. Now turning out of control to the point that I’m afraid and my ptsd gets fully triggered. The transgender part just came about in the last couple weeks now. She’s going in for psychiatric evaluation for the suicidal stuff and mood issues soon. I’m currently without sleep with my body hopped up on anxiety. The pain of all this is indescribable.
Thank you so much for this!!!!!!!!! I am going through this with my 16yo girl and I can find NO ONE to listen to help her with her dysphoria and I feel like I’m losing her! There is more in her life pushing her to transition and no counselor/therapist/psychiatrist I have found will look at the body dysphoria without pushing the transformation agenda. I am scared for her. I don’t know where to turn. One psychologist told me it was unethical for me to push my own agenda on the treatment of my child and she would not even see her!!!!!!! I am going to read more here. I just found this. Maybe a life line for me. I am so scared for my child.
If you haven’t read WHEN HARRY BECAME SALLY – please do!!!! It explains how a lot of this happened in our culture, but sadly didn’t offer much in the way of actually helping my confused child!
I can totally understand. It’s been 2 years 4 months since she “came out” as transgender. All her aunts and uncles seem to go along with it and it’s like the world’s gone insane. I just started searching for a therapist, but based on everyone else’s feedback about that, I’m scared to even try. She said she can’t wait to turn 18 (almost 2 years to go) so she can get on hormones. I feel I’m running out of time. She won’t read or listen to ANYTHING that goes against the transgender agenda, which is one of the biggest red flags. How do I fight that kind of tidal wave?
Interview therapists. Be blunt and ask them on the phone what their views are. I made the mistake of going to someone who worked with LGBTQ community 2 years ago with my daughter. Our relationship is shit now. I was terrified and took her out after raising year. she was 15. Didnt have her in therapy for a year. Her anxiety got so bad. This time I dod it right. Called around, asked questions. Focused on those who dealt with anxiety and didnt have more on their expertise list. Made sure no LGBTQ on their list. Interviewed all of them. Was blunt.
In interviewing therapists, what sort of questions do you ask? “Do you deal with gender or sexual identity issues?” If yes, are they automatically off the list? Do you ask if they feel all kids claiming to be transgender ARE transgender? What sort of things did the therapist do that affirmed your daughter that you feel you didn’t notice at first?
Sorry so many questions. I feel very inept at determining whether a particular therapist will help or hurt. I just want one to help with the terrible anxiety my daughter has, as well as address the body issues like fact that she’s too thin (eating disorder) and the cutting that went on years ago, which preceded the goth/emo phase, that preceded the “bi/pan-sexual” phase, that preceded the current transgender “gay male trapped in a female body” thing going on now.
Omg. Your daughter sounds like mind. First she went EMO. Then she said she was gender fluid, then she was bisexual, then she was gay, then she was trans guy that was gay and likes guys. That is where we have been for over 2 years. Anxiety like you wouldn’t believe. Incredible insomnia. She was cutting back then but superficial. Hospitalized. Gained weight that started her anxiety, depression and body issues.
I explained her history of anxiety with therapists when interviewing. Her lgbqt announcements in a short time, her peer group there were more than 1 who says they are trans. Asked directly what are their views and how would they treat. I also had a 15 min consult with trans experts on here. That helped to understand what you say and what to look for. If I recall their reference sheet, look for an older woman. Usually they see this for what it is.
So I had an appointment with my first therapist today. After telling my story how it seemed to all come about with my daughter being trans, and possible trauma and other issues that preceded this, the therapist said she’s never met anyone who felt they were transgender because of past trauma. That they always felt it was just who they were. (Flag.) I guess I wasn’t surprised. I told her I’ve read many stories of detransitioners who said they came to discover they weren’t really trans and wished someone had encouraged them to work more on their other issues before making the leap to medical transition. After this she conceded that it could be true, perhaps, maybe… But then later she hinted my daughter’s anxiety and unhappiness during this whole trans time period, may be because I don’t support her fully… Not that I don’t agree anxiety can come from not feeling supported. Of course it can! But it was another red flag that she was already pretty sure people who feel transgender only really comes about from being truly transgender.
One down, 100’s to go to find the needle in the haystack.
Please, can one of the detransitioned women contact this woman and her daughter? Daughter needs to hear from someone of her peer group. There is a thread from one such young woman on Twitter, but there are MANY detransitioned women, some declaring so even 10 yrs ago. They are on Facebook. Try to find them.
I am a 25 year-old questioning genetic male, wondering whether or not I am gender non-conforming or legitimately Transsexual. Is the forum open to people like myself?
I’m a highly skeptical individual and therefore hesitate to label myself ‘fully’ Female due to the fact that I didn’t start questioning my gender identity (or lack thereof, as I’ve never really thought to consciously label myself either way) up until to a few years ago and the fact that the current research available does not help me evaluate whether or not I am trans.
I’ve tried talking to a therapist about this, but think that they were insufficient in helping me with my concerns regarding whether or not I should pursue my wants in regards to changing my physical body characteristics (I dislike shaving, finding it tedious, but I almost vehemently dislike my body hair, wishing it were gone.)
I have neglected to pursue more therapy as my immediately local counseling offices deal mostly with people whom are abusing alcohol and other harder drugs, as that is their speciality. Should I try to find a certain kind of therapist? I want help from someone outside my family and network of workplace acquaintances because I feel as if they are ill-informed when it comes to the topic at hand.
cjsnow1, I for one am interested in hearing your experiences, especially regarding your search for the truth about yourself, and the roadblocks you felt you encountered as well as the things that caused you to feel or lean one way or the other. I’d like to try to understand what my daughter is thinking and feeling, and one way I do that is listening to others. Hopefully we can all remain respectful and learn from each other here.
What do you want to know exactly?
As far as a rundown of my feelings, I don’t identify as male, but as far as where I am on a spectrum, I’d say I’m right of center, if left is male and right is female. I am not in personal real-life contact with many transgendered individuals, but communicate, albeit infrequently, with various people I’ve met in the past including a female to male transsexual, a non-binary person, and a handful of male to female people.
A lot of my dysphoria is physical. When it comes to my feelings regarding my physical body, I don’t like my body hair, as previously stated. I am not too keen on experiencing random erections, nor do I much care for my current libido encouraging me to masturbate, though the latter may be due to habit.
These feelings cropped up shortly before the Caitlyn Jenner special aired on ABC in 2014 when I was 20. I came to the realization that I do not think it logical that most clothing, outside certain undergarments like bras and panties, should be segregated by gender. Things then spiraled out from there and I grew a fascination with women’s clothing, realizing it was finally fun to shop after not much caring for shopping beforehand.
In December of 2015 I went to an Informed Consent Clinic and started a hormone Regimen on the 15th, but sadly, I had to stop around April of 2016 due to a loss of insurance after I was fired from my workplace, not due to coming out or anything related to my transition, but because of attendance due to boredom/apathy for the job itself.
Since then I have wanted to continue medically transitioning via hormonal methods, but until last month, lacked the insurance to do so at a reasonable cost.
I plan on restarting my hormone regimen before the end of the year.
Thank you for sharing all that. I want to ask if you’ve tried any other options. Such as, laser hair removal – though I know it’s not all that. I’ve always heard anti-depressants are good at reducing or eliminating libido too – though I admit it seems like trading one drug for another.
Have you looked at any causes for feeling the way you do, outside of being born this way? You said you haven’t felt therapy so far has been right for you, but is there anything that makes you pause and think maybe there’s something to it? I’ve heard things like autism, ADHD, anxiety, past trauma, etc., having an impact on body dysphoria. I’m not asking you to tell us anything you don’t want to, I’m just wondering if you or anyone brought these questions into the light at all. Does the transgender community encourage ANY of these alternatives or self-questions?
One thing you said that worries me is the access to hormones. It seems not too uncommon people get on them and then something comes along that makes them inaccessible, be it money or health reasons. I worry about my daughter being stuck between genders. Growing facial hair and the voice dropping, and suddenly she can’t access testosterone, and her body begins to change back and develop curves again, all while still sporting a beard and a deeper voice. Even to me that seems like it would produce incredible body dysphoria. This may not be as big an issue for MtF, but it’s just something I’ve thought about.
“Have you looked at any causes for feeling the way you do, outside of being born this way?”
Yes, but only because I have a skeptical mind and due to the lack of evidential support surrounding the supposed causes of Transgenderism, such as whether or not a brain can be gendered or whether or not the hormone wash human embryos receive in the womb after the primary sexual characteristics have formed has anything to do with it, among other possibilities.
“I’ve heard things like autism, ADHD, anxiety, past trauma, etc., having an impact on body dysphoria”
There are studies suggesting that people on the Autism spectrum have a high chance of not identifying as their birth sex.
“Does the transgender community encourage ANY of these alternatives or self-questions?”
Encourage? Not really. The DSM 5 and American Psychiatric Association sways a lot of people in the USA (I’m not too sure about Europeans though.), I think, away from seeking any other pathology or alternative diagnoses.
That, and the fact that I hear the gender therapists actually go over other underlying possibilities (anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia, etc.) before tackling Gender Dysphoria.
“One thing you said that worries me is the access to hormones. It seems not too uncommon people get on them and then something comes along that makes them inaccessible, be it money or health reasons…”
Yeah, it’s tough if finances and job security turn into an issue. If I were you, I would try and educate your daughter about budgeting and, if she does later go down the route of transition, she should have a budget in place and make sure she has a secure financial net in case things go south monetarily.
So glad to find other parents in the same situation! My daughter is 14 years old. She says she has thought she was a boy for about 2 years. About a year ago she wanted all of her hair cut off and will only wear black clothing. She sent me a text about six months saying she thought she was trans. The thing that confuses me is she likes boys. She says she likes all boys gay or straight. She does think of herself as a gay boy. There has been a lot of yelling, door slamming, and “you don’t understand”. My daughter says she just doesn’t feel comfortable. She wishes she didn’t feel how she does. What I don’t understand is how do you think you are a boy if you don’t know what being a boy feels like? This is probably a mess but I just needed somewhere to vent. This blog said a lot of things that made sense to me. I’m sad. I’m scared for her. But instant gratification isn’t an option for us. I don’t agree with it. Thank you so much for making me feel like I’m not alone in feeling the way I do!
Not alone. There’s an active support board. Please consider joining us:
https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/forumdisplay.php?fid=24
From our front page.
Comment policy:
Comments are moderated. We don’t guarantee that a submitted comment will be posted. We don’t publish comments which spread suicide contagion and/or misleading information about suicidality.
From our front page:
Comment policy:
Comments are moderated. We don’t guarantee that a submitted comment will be posted. We don’t publish comments which spread suicide contagion and/or misleading information about suicidality.
What a fantastic sentence how do you know you’re a boy if you don’t know what being a boy is like you’ve nailed it!
To all these sad frustrated desperate parents out there thank God there’s a forum like this for us to be able to talk it’s such a relief I’m in the same situation and it is so heartbreaking.
Please please please let these children be children let them be teenagers let them be just teenagers let them find out when they are ready about sexuality not having it rammed down their throat from every flipping source. come on parents let’s stick together and let’s help our children get through this we really need to take a stand and get the government to cut back on all this insanity propaganda, because let’s face it everything they talk in the schools is coming down from the government. I’m sorry but all the LGBT that they taught in schools is part of this problem. As people have said anime Japanese culture seems to be part of it also.
This is so destructive to families and children and society as a whole.
Let these children have the childhood and the teenagers be teenagers and let us adults be parents stop – stopping us from being parents.
Love to you all
I was born male and transitioned to female. The doctor who did my surgery said I am actually intersexed. I hope that sharing some of my experiences helps.
I wanted to dress as a girl from a very earlier age but otherwise grew up as a normal boy and liked girls. I wanted a family but knew that I could not ignore my need to be feminine. Neither did I want to give myself over to a disorder, if that’s what I had. And I wasn’t convinced by the affirmations of many therapists.
It was a lonely, painful life that I had for the longest time; I didn’t understand, there wasn’t a place for people like me in society and there was lots of fear and at times, terror. But, when I closed my eyes and let whatever feelings rise, I always craved being a woman.
Eventually I found a therapist who was a sex expert with extensive experience seeing trans patients. She gave some exercises to do at home and as a result I had a moment when I touched myself deep inside and I just knew. It was over and I knew.
I don’t know what’s best for anyone else but since then, I’ve enjoy being me everyday. There’s nothing better. It’s healthy and good and I’m growing into the beauty and fullness of who I am. I have a totally normal life.
I am finding this very helpful. I am going through this with my daughter right now. When she was about 12 she identified as gay. She did not come out with this but we found a note that she had written to a girl that she had a crush on at the time. Then around the age of fifteen we were called in to her school because she was ‘caught kissing’ a girl on the playground. Still, we did not mind that she was gay, although I seriously had my doubts. I believe that there is so much fluidity to sexuality as well as gender.
She began cutting herself when she was about 14, we heard this from the parent of one of her friends. Friend’s parents reported hearing that she was threatening to kill herself as well. She and I talked on a regular basis but she never would admit any of this to me. She did say that she was very sad and that was about it. I took her to a psychotherapist as well as a psychiatrist. She was put on medication for anxiety and depression. She spent most of her time saying that everyone hated her and that she had no friends.
Then last summer she very rapidly lost a lot of weight. She was diagnosed with anorexia. We saw a therapist and nutritionist for this but very soon could no longer afford the whopping $120 every week. So I worked with her on food and exercise. I have always tried to get her out and moving but for the last year or more all she has wanted to do is sit on her bed in her room.
In December of this past year she told me that she wanted to dress like a boy. I asked her if she wanted to be a boy and she said no. She has since gotten rid of a lot of her “girl” clothes and only wears baggy men’s sweats and tee shirts. She has asked to shorten her name to a male version, and I recently (January) found two binders in her room. She wears them all of the time. Day and night. I want to say something but she is so sensitive. She is angry and sad most of the time even with the anti depressants. The only time I she expressed being happy was when she had lost all of that weight and was at a dangerously low body weight (at which point she bought short shorts and sun dresses and all kinds of cute things to wear) . She has since gotten rid of most of those things.
I have sought out a ‘gender therapist’ for her that I could afford for her to see once every two weeks or so, but she is begging to see her every week. My daughter is 18, so I do not receive any information about what they talk about or anything. This is frustrating because I am scared that this therapist is simply going to push her into transitioning.
My daughter spends too much time on social media and I think that she has been exposed to too much transgender hype. She also has one friend that has completely transitioned and several others who strongly support it and are essentially egging her on.
My gut tells me that she is not trans but that she has so many other issues going on that she needs to figure out.
Any help any of you can give would be great!
Hi Kristin
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through but if you are involved with this ROGD or trans cult your story is common. All I will tell you is that your gut is right and follow it. An overwhelming number of young people who believe they are trans have depression, anxiety, trauma, on the autism spectrum, food issues, disassociative disorders, BPD… so many various things. This is not biological. It is a result of a social contagion and mental health disorders. The problem is and it’s a big one is that most therapists, and doctors have been told to affirm the nonsense and won’t treat the other issues. There are many who see it and try to bring out the truth but it is being combatted. Tread very carefully with your daughter. If you can show her the many videos of detransiters and those who are critical but don’t push too hard. If you are going to call her by her ‘new name’ tell her you are doing it out of politeness because you think she is moving away from who she really is and you love her so you are really struggling. They have a tendency to be completely selfish about this so be careful. Somehow you have to stand your ground but do it carefully. In the meantime don’t talk to people who are supporting her. You don’t need that grief. Keep them out of your live. Take care of yourself. If you can find a therapist who will treat her without affirming her that would be great. Best of luck to you.
Everything you wrote is exactly how I feel. A few weeks ago my 13 year old daughter told me she felt like she is supposed to be a boy and she doesn’t feel comfortable in her body. I know how common it’s becoming these days, as if it’s some kind of cult. I told her she’s only 13 and too young to know how she feels yet. I told her it could just be a phase, and to give it a couple years and not to worry or stress about it right now. I have been praying every day and night that it’s just a phase. She was very girlie when she was little….always dressing up like princesses and wanting to paint her nails, watch Barbie movies and play with her huge collection of My Little Pony’s. Then 2 weeks ago she let me know that she told her best friend, whom she has been BBF’s with since they were 3 yrs old, that she is “trans”. I know I didn’t have a very supportive reaction. I was annoyed that she “made it official” by telling someone other than myself. I was worried that her best friend would feel uncomfortable around her now and not want to hang out with her anymore.
Like a lot of the stories on here, my daughter spends all her time in her bedroom on the internet. She loves to draw and she is amazing at it! Although everything she draws is anime style and she loves anime shows. I have been trying to think of ways for us to spend time together so she is not always alone in her room, but we are so disconnected that it just feels forced. I pray all the time for God to help bring us together so I can do a better job of supporting her and helping her.
I have always thought of myself as accepting of anyone no matter if they’re gay or lesbian or whatever else they are, but boy does your perspective change when it’s your own child!
Thank you so much for this blog! I too have an 18 year old daughter who thinks she is a male for about two years now. We tell her that we love her no matter what but that we will not support her financially in any top surgery or hormones. We have no idea what she will do when she graduates High School because she feels she needs to transition BEFORE she goes off to college or gets a job. AUGH! I pray every single day, several times a day that this is just a phase. Thank you for giving us hope!
Thank you for writing this. My daughter is 15, has always been the most girly girl possible. In high school she joined the GSA (gay student alliance club) and since then has been shaving her head, declared herself a lesbian, then asexual, and when that didn’t get a reaction decided she was really a boy and gave herself a boy name. We are going to keep calling her by her real name, not going to pay for a ‘transition’ because she still acts like a girly girl in every way possible.
I told her how we feel, and am going to just let her sit for a while. If she gets to 18 and still wants it that badly, she can save up the 50-100k and go through the 5+ year process on her own. She’s never even tried dating anyone of any sex, and I wish she would just to better understand what she wants. She’s throwing around words like dysphoria without even really knowing what it means or what will magically change if she were a boy tomorrow, and doesn’t even realize the horrible side effects she’d endure going through the process, along with the high rates of suicide. I really needed to read this article today, thank you so much.
Please help! Fifteen year old daughter came out as neither sex, binary I guess. Seems very depressed and anxious.
Hi Candi, sorry for the late reply but I just saw your post. Have you joined the parents’ support forum? If not, follow the link below and click on “register” in the black bar toward the top of the page. All new memberships are manually activated, so it can take a few hours or maybe a day for your membership to be activated, but once it is, you will have access to the members-only forums. https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/index.php
Thank you for taking a stand. I stand with you, with tears pouring down daily over my daughter who’s threatening suicide.
My 11 yr old just told us 3 weeks that
She is a boy! Not once in her past has she said “I am a boy”. Take her to toy store SHE always went to the dolls..even with us saying dont you want something else..nope dolls etc….and then now this….we are trying so hard to be supportive but I am ragging inside. Is this just another way to be hip to fit in??
We want to seek therapy but are scared they will just accept her Trans and not question her.
Thanks for listening.
If I knew now what I knew when my daughter was 11 (she’s 16 now), I would have limited her exposure to these things on the internet and gotten her out in life more. Not that it isn’t in the schools too, but I really feel the incessant reading about trans stuff on the internet, and being on social media, is the most damaging.
My son is older, 26, but one year ago he started this madness of believing he’s a woman. He decided this after having 2 disasterous relationships with bi-sexual women. I homeschooled him until he was 16 so believe me when I say that I KNOW he is not a female. For the past two years he has worked night shift, sleeps, hangs out with trans friends when not sleeping and only reads pro internet articles about this issue. I realize because of his age that I have absolutely no power in this situation. But my heart is completely broken – for him and our family. Our youngest child committed suicide three years ago (nothing to do with this topic) and as a family we are still reeling from this – including his older brother who wants to change his sex. He also refuses to go through grief counseling for his little brother. I will be honest in this forum – I cannot accept my son’s decision so we are estranged. I cannot find a counselor that doesn’t badger me. I feel like the worst mother in the world. Now I grieve everyday for two sons. I focus on my other son and a daughter and be there for them while they deal with this. I can’t sleep and am on a lot of medication. Thank you to anybody and everybody reading this wether you agree with my stance or not. I’m just one mother with one broken family out here in the wilderness trying to figure out what happened to my wonderful, beloved SON.
Diane, I too know exactly where you are coming from. At 19 years old I sent my son to a very nice STEM college. My husband and I set him up in an apartment. Big Mistake! Should have been in a dorm with other boys. A bi-sexual girl became involved and started telling him he acted more like a girl. He started questioning us about who he was because of this person. We found the girl had muscled her way into the apartment we were paying for and started controlling his life. Changing his clothing etc. He called us and told us over the telephone that he was a trans. We objected. We were told that “if we didn’t agree with his decision(s) that he was done”. We love our son, he is our ONLY son. It is a gut wrenching situation and painful. You cry, get mad, angry at different times and sad during others. One person, this girl, who claims she is AC/DC as she put it on her facebook, is very dominant over our son. I spoke with her mother, broken family and comes from a very dysfunctional family, and the mother stated she doesn’t agree with it, but she puts her feelings to one side because it is her only daughter. I too, do not accept that! He is our ONLY son! I said to our son, if you want to be gay than fine. He stated he doesn’t like men. He likes women. So why change????? He said it was better. He told my husband that he was taking injections of estrogen. The girl told her mother he can stop anytime with no repercussions. That is wrong. The more I look up and the more I have talked to multiple doctors about this the more dangerous it is for my son. We are estranged at this point as well. We found out Planned Parenthood is dosing out the estrogen to him without medical supervision. We should all get together and start a class action suit against these people. From many doctors, young adults brains are not fully developed until 25 and some state 30. I think there should be a law that declines the use of these drugs and transformations until they reach 30. Hang in there. I am right there with you every day in feeling upset, angry and just heartbroken. It’s tough. I will not agree with it in any way shape or form. I will forever love my child, but will not budge an ounce to condone such practices. My son had no inclination of any type of girlish attitudes. He was always a boy and acted as such. We always talked, until he met this girl. She has her claws in him and it just never ends. He is ruining his life both medically and intellectually. I blame the schools for agreeing to it and our world taking away the masculinity of boys/men.
Yes we should do something about local legislation too. My state allows kids, any age, to go to school, change their name, pronouns, use bathrooms, gym changing rooms, all without parent notification or consent. PA will give out hormones without parent constent orinfo on mental health history You could be age 9 and they will give to you. Scary. My anxiety about all this is horrendous
Our current society condones this behavior. Parents have lost their rights. Then there are those who allow their kids to run wild. For those of us who are here, we truly love our children and wish them the best to succeed. However, we run up into the “proverbial brick wall” because we are called nuts, inconsiderate, ignorant, etc because we don’t agree with this “FAD” that these kids are doing. I consider it to the likeness of drugs and these so-called professionals are using our kids as guinea pigs and making money off of it! Time to say enough is enough………
If she is still living in the apartment, can you find an alternative living arrangement for him? Perhaps have him come home for a semester and then get him into the dorm? You certainly shouldn’t be paying for her living arrangements. And if she refuses to move out, it seems like drastic measures might be necessary.
Planned Parenthood provides testosterone to my daughter…they are so quick to write a prescription. It’s maddening and scary and horrible and they don’t care about our children and how they are harming themselves. My daughter used to have a beautiful voice and now it’s deep like a guys and every day I struggle with so much anger and shock on how they could do this. She is 19 and has also legally changed her name. She is caught up in a web of deception and cultish advocacy groups that “support” her. I have dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts. PP doesn’t care about the families or anything but money in their pockets. We need to stop them! How do we do it?
A class action lawsuit sounds like a great step – I just wouldn’t know where to begin. Doctors? Psychologists? School systems? Our government? Cheryl, your story moved me and made my heart break. We are the broken families that are left in the dust that no one wants to acknowledge. Our concern, anger and resistance doesn’t fit in to the trans narrative. My son wants no part of my trying to get him to come out of this darkness. Peace to you and yours!
My belief is that the attack needs to be closer than you think. Planned parenthood for dosing it out like it’s M&M’s for one. Then you have Tumblr. Everyone needs to start looking into the colleges their children have gone to and find out how many of our children in those colleges have committed suicide. My son’s college already had three. How many high schools are equipped with psychologists that agree with this situation. Ask questions at the schools of the administrations and see what you get for answers. Those answers will show you where the hidden agendas are. I believe that this is pounded into the heads of our teens. Look at the show “JAZ” it’s glamorized. I know that girls mother. They live here in our city. The mother basically promoted Munchhausen by Proxy. The mother wanted the attention and didn’t want a boy, so the MOTHER changed the boy into a girl. You should see the money that family makes off the show. The father is an attorney and not one person dares to speak up. It’s disgusting. Start by asking the people associated with your child. See who they hang out with. How were they introduced. You will soon see a pattern emerge. I have and now I am angry as heck. Now, I am checking into attorneys for Compensatory and Punative damages in a class action. I will let everyone know what I find out.
I am so sorry Trust me when I say we all feel like terrible parents and/or have been told by therapists that we are My daughter is 17 and we are in our 3rd year of dealing with this She has had anxiety since age 4, tricotillomania, and low self esteem at puberty. I nade the mistake of getting her therapist eho had LGBTQ on their profile. worst mistake. Ruined my relationship with my daughter. I am so sorry to hear about thr loss of your son. It seems like he is trying to use a teans identity to deal with the losses (relationship/death) he has been dealing with. Try to find a local support group for yourself. I just found one. Haven’t gone yet. I cannot wait to speak to others going through what I am. Contact this website and inquire if they have a local support group.
https://www.parentsofrogdkids.com/
Even though my son is older, I feel that I have been made to feel so marginalized in his life. I feel so so much for all of us, but especially to those parents of minors who are caught up in this current cultural deceit. My guess is that they have the added burden of the possibility of social services being called on them for not “towing the line” when it comes to this issue. How did it come to this? How did it become so societally accepted that our love for our children can be used against us? Thank you to ALL that share your heartbreaking stories! We are not alone even though it feels like it. Society is actively silencing us one family at a time. My only hope is that my boy will see through this sick lie before any surgery is scheduled. I’m holding out hope for that – it’s all I have.
i understand where your coming from, as a parent it must be really hard to watch your child take on an entirely new identity. i dont think you went about it the right way, though. (i say as if my opinion is welcome 😂) anyways, i am a trans man, and i made sure to see many different types of mental health professionals to confirm that i had dysphoria, and to see the correct path to transition properly. I’ve been living as a male for five years and seven months now and im so glad i did all that double checking. i hope with your child, it was truly just a phase. i wouldn’t wish dysphoria on anyone. But, if your child truly does have gender dysphoria, i would recommend reading all you can (from reliable sources) about the condition, and sir down and talk to your child about it. let them use their own words, and if they line up with what you know about dysphoria, than it would be wise to talk it through with different kinds of therapists. I say this because, although i knew i had severe dysphoria at age 14, (my parents never supportive) i tried living as a boy during that time but i was an aggressive tumblr sjw and not thinking of those around me. when i was 15-16 i realized that i was kinda shunned and i chalked it up to being trans so i decided the best way to bide my time until i could do something about this dysphoria, was to try to be “normal” meaning, i dressed like a girl, i gave make up and pretty things another chance. i tried to like boys and giggle, and just after my 16th birthday, i was so miserable and uncomfortable and sad, i had started cutting and i had attempted suicide. i wanted to know what was wrong with me, why i couldn’t be happy, i had forgotten the reason i decided to blend in and when i remembered that i had thought i had dysphoria, i went and read up about it. everything i was experiencing while trying to fit in as a female, was listed. i thought, “no this trans stuff is too expensive”, and decided i would just be a butch female instead. after a few months of that, i was more comfortable but i still had dysphoria, and no matter how i tried to ignore it (just think about how inconvenient and expensive being trans is, i didn’t want that.) the dysphoria was still there, still causing me great stress and embarrassment. i don’t want to be a freak, I’ve always wanted to be normal and fit in. the people who think being trans is fun or makes them quirky or whatever, are fake, awful people who make fun of and parade around demanding everyone treat them as if they’re suffering. if you can live as your birth gender, than please for the love of god, live that way. for me, the decision to transition was a decision to live. im still alive and my life, while not perfect, is everything i need. while i know you think this whole dysphoria thing is just some trend the kids are doing (and for some it is), it’s extremely important to know for sure whether its real for your child or not. i wish my parents had helped me figure it out, i wish someone could’ve been there, and god i wish people would just do their research instead of making opinion based decisions. i wish you and your child the best of luck and i hope you have the courage to do the right thing. i also really hope your child does not have dysphoria. thank you for reading this, have a great day 🙂
Wow. It astounds me how many people are terrified their child will end up being something they don’t understand and are willing to bully their child into either believing your idea of who they are above their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences, feeling so horrible about themselves they live in denial and afraid you’ll never accept them for who they are, or at least vowing to never talk to you about it again because they don’t feel safe doing so. Your child doesn’t need you to tell them who they are. They need you to help them figure out how to be comfortable expressing who they truly are, whether they’re straight, gay, trans, or whatever. Do young people need time to figure out their sexuality? Yes. Are they often wrong about what gender they identify with? No. Shame on you for spreading this idea that teenagers are essentially too young and stupid to decide who they are and need their parents to “set them straight”. And as an aside, a good gender therapist would be able to tell if there were something going on besides your child being trans. It’s sad you wouldn’t listen to your child. What is really the worst that could happen if your child thinks they’re trans and turns out to be wrong? There is quite a lot that happens before surgical transitioning, so if your child is willing to go through all of that, I’d say they’re pretty sure about who they are. Do you really think there are boogeymen lurking in all corners of the world trying to convince innocent children they’re a different gender for no reason? I’m sorry for you that the only way you can love your child is if they fit your definition of whom they’re supposed to be. But I feel much worse for them. Just because it feels like “common sense” to you doesn’t mean that’s what feels right for others.
Hello, Lovingmom. I’m not sure if your reply is in response to the article in general or to a specific comment, but I just want to respond to encourage you to read more on this site, as based on your post, it doesn’t seem you’ve gotten the gist of this site. Please read about the great number of gender therapists who only affirm and do not go into detailed or prolonged discussion with the child before recommending hormones; some are even recommending double mastectomy very quickly. Please read about the problems with informed consent, which allows 18-year-old “adults” to get cross-sex hormones with zero diagnostics and zero therapy. Please read clinicians own words, stating that they simply do not know what the long-term effects of puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones will prove to be. Please read about the kids and teens who are autistic and/or have been through incredibly traumatic experiences such as rape, sexual assault and abandonment, who suddenly take on a trans identity after bingeing on pep-talks by trans YouTubers. Please read about the growing number of detransitioners who have aged into their 20s and no longer feel the need to identify as trans to be comfortable in their bodies — but unfortunately their bodies have already undergone permanent changes thanks to the adults who allowed them to transition as teens — quickly — because teens supposedly are more than capable of knowing who they are.
The above are just a few examples of the current problems families with trans-identified teens, tweens and young adults are facing. I do not see anyone here bullying their child or trying to “set them straight” as you put it. You put that phrase in quotes but I do not see where it has been used in this article. I urge you to explore this site more fully. You’ll find the parents here are not transphobic, not homophobic, not bullies. We have legitimate concerns, many of them due to witnessing our children being rushed into transition by gender therapists, without proper diagnostics and with only brief and superficial questioning of the child’s state of mind, and in the case of informed consent, with nothing but the patient’s signature. Our concerns are valid and I am extremely thankful to the owners of this site for providing this resource while the mainstream media buries their heads in the sand.
some thoughts: https://transcendgenders.blogspot.com/
So at the start of high school my son, my only child, announced he thought he might be transgender. I was not happy at all and yes he knew it. My husband was more on the “trying to understand it and accept it either way” side. We have had arguments about it. I grew up in a conservative household. Husband grew up in a much more accepting household. My son is aspergers and has never accepted that he is aspergers. He’s never had a social group although starting high school he says he now has one, although I’ve never met any one and he’s never given me even one name. After 3 years of being in a special ed program for autism kids n middle school, he is now mainstreamed again (was in elementary). He’s at a small charter school. Last year he sent us an email detailing how he was transgender and how he needed our support. We took him to his therapist who pretty much said we needed to “be on board with his feelings”. I simply cannot. After a few sessions my son announced he wasn’t transgender anymore and dropped it and the therapy. Now in 10th grade and 8 weeks into the school year and he announces it again in person to us that he thinks he is transgender. I cannot deal with this. He has refused getting a haircut for about three years now, although his hair has only grown just past shoulder length. I am so upset. I can deal with gay people. I would accept that a whole lot better than this whole “Im a girl” thing. I worry about the suicide issues although he has never stated that he has any interest in that, but I hear if you dont accept them, that’s what they’ll do. I have two other friends with transgender teens…one has accepted her kid (now 19 and fully transitioned…surgery, etc) and another one whose trans kid she cannot handle or accept either. I keep hearing the “accept them or lose them” philosophy. Ok I do accept my kid the way HE is..as an almost 16 year old boy!
I’m cisgendered but an ally of trans people. I want to begin by saying I’ve denied the existence of trans people myself but I exposed myself to more voices and while I don’t understand that kind of living, I no longer tell someone their experiences aren’t valid.
I agree with your statement that unless you get to know someone, you can’t make a good judgement. I agree that too many people just openly accept it when someone says they’re trans. Us on the outside have no right to question that. If a friend/co-worker/whatever tells you they’re trans, please treat that person with respect. But for parents and close family, especially of young ones, I think there should be more conversations.
What I mean by this, is open discussion where you listen to your child. You don’t have to accept or reject their outing, but please hear what they have to say. I wonder if your child really did go through a phase and realized they weren’t trans after all. That’s perfectly okay! I don’t think we have any control over our genders. And please realize biological sex and gender are two separate things.
What I fear, and I hope you have taken into account, is your child doesn’t feel safe with you and is hiding who they are. If you are any amount aware, you know this is extremely dangerous. Kids need to feel safe and validated by their parents. Parents are the first line of defense against all the ills in society. Protecting your kid shouldn’t be about shutting them down or ignoring them.
I truly believe parents can solve most of society’s problems today by just listening and talking with their kids. Crime could go down, mass shootings could be avoided, drug use could be curbed. Whether your child is trans or not isn’t really important. Your child needs to feel validated, respected and loved. I may not be a parent, but I was raised by parents that never made me feel less. I don’t know if my parents would have accepted me as trans, since I’m cis, but I know they would have wanted to know why I was feeling that way.
Thank you for your time, and I wish the best for your family.
I love you for writing this article. As an adult who has overcome gender dysphoria, I would like to advise all parents not to allow their children to transition medically. Just simply do not allow it. Your child will out grow it and will love you for it, even though it may be a battle. Your child is seeking a parent to set boundaries and actually wants you as a parent to reaffirm their birth sex and gender.
I wish I had some control over my daughter taking T. But she is 28 and I have no say in the matter. She found a clinic that readily gave it to her on her 2nd visit, and they even gave her some kind of stipend to help pay for it. She has many mental health issues – bi-polar 2, ADD, borderline personality disorder and learning disabilities. But the people at the clinic just gave her the prescription and now she’s been on it for about 7 months. She still wears female clothes, doesn’t like guys clothes, she’s never displayed any male characteristics or expressed any gender disphoria until she started hanging out with a group of transgender people at a gay bar. There is really nothing about her mannerisms that would make you think she is a he. In my heart, I believe it’s a desperate need for acceptance with the people she has been hanging out with for the past year or so. She has always had social acceptance issues due to her personality disorder and has always “changed” herself to try to fit with whomever she is hanging out with. She is in therapy (not gender therapy) and I only hope that she eventually outgrows this phase.
THANK YOU so much for this post. My 17 year old daughter has been very secluded and her only outside influence has been people at church and youtube/instagram. I have seen her jump from one thing to another for the past 4 years. Everything she does (mannerisms, actions, talk…) an outsider would say she is a girl. But until she does something, or says something, everyone thinks she is a 15 yr old boy because she dresses comfortably in jeans and a sweatshirt. Her and her friends ‘giggle’ when someone at church mistakes her for a boy. (another reason I think this is a phase).
We have always been supporting and have given lots of praise for her accomplishments, and we have another teen daughter who is a dancer. I am following my gut. Although she says she doesn’t like her birth name, she has picked another name that sounds exactly like her name. This indicates to me that she doesn’t really want to stray far. She even said she wanted to wait until after school and is settled in a career before making any changes (medically). The name change, she could legally do when she turns 18, but I also don’t think she realizes that she has picked a name that is predominately used by females now (at least in Europe). So we play the waiting game. We also have told her that is she wants to do any of it, she has to pay for it herself. yet she has been trying to get a job for 3 months now, and not really trying. If she was really serious, she would try harder.
I know some people encourage discussion, but in our case – the whole house is on pins and needles when the topic comes up – especially her. She talks to us about everything but gets the good old Teenage Defense system in place when it comes to trans-gender stuff. When the internet goes out in the house, and she doesn’t spend time online, it also appears to change her mood on things.
There may be some indications that she is simply gay. And we have talked about it, and we are fine with that if she is. Also talked about the fact that if she feels the need to become a boy to like a girl, then she is just feeding into the stereotype of society that couples have to be male and female.
Overall, we have told her that between now and her mid-20’s, that is her time to explore who she really is. And to not ‘jump’ into anything – especially medically – that she may come to regret later on.
This! I needed this. Maybe in the end my daughter will continue to pursue a change, but I was looking for a tactful, impactful way to express what I felt and this was a lifesaver! This has always been my view, it’s nice knowing I’m not alone.
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The voice of sanity. These kids if anything need therapy to accept themselves and the facts.
Thank you! This is exactly what I wanted to read. My 16 year daughter keeps trying to convince me she’s a boy. I swear its mostly for attention. She was quite the Barbie, My Little Pony, baby doll loving girl growing up. Last year she told us she was a lesbian, I told her I’m cool with that, it means I don’t have to worry about teenage pregnancy. I even took her and a girlfriend out on dates. Then she claimed she was a boy and started bonding her breasts. But suddenly a boy liked her and she was s girl again. Now they’re not together and she says shes a boy. Ok, whatever. I didnt mind buying mens clothing for her but it feels like a phase again. But now she’s begging me to pay for binders and testosterone shots. We told her the same as the author, if you want them you’ll have to wait until you’re old enough and can pay for it yourself. She doesn’t like that and is pushing harder. How ever this ends up, whether she becomes a man or stays a female, it really helped to read this today as I was having second thoughts on if I was doing the right thing. This article really helped me feel that I am. And I really liked where the author states about showing the world how gender expansive we can be.
thank you so much for this i too am wondering where and who i would talk to regarding this. Since puberty my daughter had been secretly expressing to her peers she is closet gender fluid and prefers the pronoun him. she has expressed she is bisexual and we have been fully supportive of that so why she wouldn’t come out and flat out tell us is alarming. I feel like this has been shoved down children’s throat and they now have to identify as something other than just male or female. She has never to this day shown signs of wanting to be male. she’s super girly and loves to wear makeup and fix herself up. ever since she was a little girl she loved dresses and girly things and i never once for a second thought she ever identified as a boy even for one second. She has dealt with a lot of mental health issues to the point of where i found out she cut herself. Because all her friends were doing it. i see a pattern of her following whatever everyone else is doing and it’s terrifying. whilst i believe that some people are gender fluid and trans or whatever i don’t feel as if my daughter fully understands if that makes sense. i hope to be able to discuss this with someone who understands.
You know… some kids are actually transgender. Some aren’t, and they’re just figuring themselves out. But denying them the right to see a gender therapist or explore the idea of getting surgery and starting hormones isn’t good.
I’m 30 now and when I came out to my parents they thought the exact same thing you’re all thinking. “I know my daughter. This isn’t her.” And they thought we were close, but honestly, kids are very very good liars. I hid my feelings for so long because I wanted to make sure I had it all sorted out. So I dressed like a girl and acted like one because I was scared of coming out as the wrong thing.
The fact of the matter is that if your child comes out to you, they’ve probably been holding this inside them for a very long time, and the least you could do is listen and not jump to the conclusion that you know what’s best for them. Because that’s not always the case.
I am a mom, biologically XX. I never felt “feminine.” I am atypical. I felt like one of the guys my entire young life. I felt no use for breasts. No use for make-up. No use for fashion, I mean it’s a body, keep it warm or cool it off, that’s what clothes are for. I know auto care, how to build, I am a strong dude woman person. I’d make a fantastic husband, yet I make a lousy wife lol. I have balls, ovarian balls! In fact, even as a young kid, I thought we should do away with gender pronouns and just have he/him; we’re all human. I am a man in here, but have come to terms with my female form. In fact, this female form has created some great kids! I met my husband in 1995. He seems gender typical, even down to questioning this gender identity fluidity we are currently seeing a rise. And to think I used to stuff my pants so I could have a “penis” when we were young, so it’s nothing new to him.
I felt nothing towards breasts, wanted them way smaller & out of the way, mostly didn’t care for them until I had kids. Until I had babies!! Oh man did they come in handy! Sad kid-breasts-happy kid! Like a repair-all. I could nurture these babies, grow them with my body! I have finally come to terms with my body. It’s a life-creating vessel. But I am wholly looking forward to menopause! Never got the “oooo my period-I feel like a woman” party dance, some women have. I’m a happy, contented dude woman- that actually likes dresses now and flimsy shoes-but I mostly dress for utility, as I am often working in the yard or building things while destroying dresses.
I’m a molecular biologist by trade-this is relevant.
We have 3 kids: two XX and one XY, 14, 12 & 8. The XX were “princesses” when little. Very much so. One identified as female at age 12 and at 14 currently identifies as a “feminine” dress wearing never wants a beard male, oh and hates breasts after longing for them during childhood. And might want a penis if it would work correctly after surgery and if it had the neurons correct. The XXs have started their periods and both hate them. Both identify as male after that business started. I’m so torn. I never thought I’d be attached to THEIR gender!! I don’t know how to support them. I’m at a total loss, my little baby girls! (That I thought for sure were boys cause how could I raise a girl?!) I am madly in love with these kids. I am devastated if they feel as crappy as I did in my body-after all it took years and birth to finally enjoy being a woman and I still could be happy being a man! Except I could do without a beard and ball sweat. I bawl just thinking about their unhappiness-I really cry, deeply. I am so hurt. I don’t cry easily. And it totally comes from me! But kids it’s just a body-it doesn’t define you!! You are what’s inside, this body is not you! This body is just what you decorate, just a tool.
So as a molecular biologist and not a psychologist, no breast binding. Cancer, cancer, cancer- no way I can be convinced that binding breast tissue is ever healthy. Sorry. I know it’s not progressive to say this. Hormone therapy-only after a full work-up, full meaning not just a single blood analysis. Talking find the progesterone-estrogen curve and it’s norm and balance. Thyroid, you name it. Biological FULL work-up. Find out what’s normal for each kid, allow adolescence to take its course while maintaining an eye on the BIOLOGY. Phenotypic alterations can be made in adulthood once we know what we are dealing with biology, psychology, etc. They both know I feel this way because I am so open about it. You may be a dude in there, but he can also take time to grow.
I was a typical Tom boy growing up. Assertive, and still am. I hated my period…I don’t know any woman who was excited to get it and “feel” like a woman. I had girly, girly sister and friends and think that is a misconception they were so happy to get their periods. It is an awkward time for young girls through that transition to womanhood.
My daughter hated her period and starting hating herself during this time. My belief for my daughter, who by the way was half girly, girly and half tomboy, she is misplacing her feelings due to the anxiety of puberty and unwanted attention from males as she developed. She also has self esteem issues we are working on.
It isn’t just your daughters who are uncomfortable after getting their period. Hang in there.
While you may feel indifferent to your ‘female parts’, that’s different to someone feeling dysphoric and wanting surgery to remove them. Whether you feel masculine or feminine, it comes down to dysphoria. Transgender people do not transition because they feel more masculine or feminine, they transition because of the dysphoria they have to live with everyday. It’s difficult for a cisgender person to understand and I do not wish to demean you in any way, but unless you yourself have felt dysphoria, its something you will never truly understand. Using the argument of “chromosomes make you this gender and that will never change” is outdated and inaccurate. Being a molecular biologist doesn’t make you an expert on gender and gender dysphoria.
The best you can do for your child is to listen to and support them. No I would not recommend rushing them straight into hormones and surgery, please just take them to a gender therapist to get it sorted out. My gender therapist never once suggested to put me on hormones until we had worked through underlying issues and before she could diagnose me properly with gender dysphoria. No gender therapists don’t always do this, you’re going to need to find one that will try to talk to your child before rushing to get them on hormones. And again I will say that just because your child is a ‘tomboy’ or feels more masculine or feminine, does not make them transgender. I pity any parent that has to go through this, I know its tough and I know it feels like losing your child, but please do what you can for them, even if its just using their preferred pronouns until they can make a decision on their gender. Pronouns will not damage your child’s physical health if they change their mind. Please, teenage years are likely the hardest for a kid to go through, please support them through this and communicate with them. Don’t become a person they’ll be afraid to talk to.
What country do you live in? Because in the United States, there is a lack of caution when it comes to recommending transition for teens. “Underlying issues” are not typically explored thoroughly; rather, there is often immediate “ affirmation“. Informed consent rather than careful assessment is more the rule than an exception.. This has been the experience of many detransitioners in the US.
The problem with sending a kid to a gender therapist (or just about any therapist) is that the child will be affirmed as trans, you can bet the house on it. In fact, in some states in the US and I believe also in Canada there are anti-conversion therapy laws which now apply to kids who think they might be transgender. These laws are a good thing when applied to gay kids, but have not been thought through when it comes to kids who believe they might be trans. Anything other than affirming the child as trans, including helping a child figure out why they might be having these feelings and realize they can accept themselves as they are, is considered conversion therapy under these laws and could get a therapist’s license revoked or worse.
There are so many things a kid might be dealing with that he or she could interpret as meaning he or she is trans — autism, anxiety, grief, sexual assault, trauma, bullying, rejection by peers, homosexual attraction, online grooming, and loathing puberty are just a few. The child must undergo thorough, deep therapy to get to the root of their issues and rule out these various possibilities. Gender therapists just aren’t doing this and most general therapists are not either, especially not now with the above-mentioned laws in place.
Most parents will listen and take their child seriously when faced with such a serious situation, and every parent wants their child to be happy and accepted for who they are, but parents’ real shock and push-back typically starts when the child is affirmed as trans during their very first visit to a therapist. Even parents who think only they know what’s best and can’t imagine in a million years that their child might be trans could probably be persuaded to allow the child to do some gender-related exploration. But when they are met with immediate affirmation from a therapist who has just met their child, parents suddenly begin to see how dangerous, unreasonable and unwise the affirmation-only approach is and what a tough and important fight they have on their hands.
Thanks for your comments. This is so on point for my daughter who now identifies as a trans-man. She is 28 and made this change a couple of years ago out of the blue. She is bi-polar and has borderline personality disorder to name only 2 of her issues. She has always had trouble keeping friends because of her personality issues – and when she met a group of trans guys and girls that seemed to like her – bam! She changed to make sure she would fit in.
And for anyone who wants to say I’m in denial, even her best friends and therapist do not believe she is trans. But all of them affirm it because that’s what has become the norm. Don’t question, just accept and affirm immediately.
She is now on testosterone – no therapy. One visit to a doctor recommended by her trans friends and he put her on the hormone with no questions. This is wrong for so many reasons.
I love her and accept her – him. I use her chosen male name and her chosen pronouns, but I have also told her how I feel about it and how it worries me that she is taking a hormone that she doesn’t really need.
I have seen her go through so many stages over the years, I keep hoping this too shall pass.
Ah my mistake, I’m living in Australia and I think that the wellbeing healthcare here may be slightly different from over in the US or UK. I don’t agree with gender therapists that immediately diagnose a child with dysphoria before thoroughly discussing the matter with them. I do think that there are bad influences that encourage your kids to change their identity without dysphoria or properly thinking about it, including trauma and other mental health disorders. I don’t think its anybody’s fault, not the parents’ or the child’s, its a topic that people only started being so open about maybe a decade or two ago despite trans people existing for so long.
There are many actual cases in which a child will actually experience dysphoria and require medical transition, however, detransitioning is becoming more common, I think that gender therapists should definitely change the way they diagnose kids.
Yes! My psychologist friend said not to send her to the endocrinologist or gender therapist because it’ll just make her feel like it is for real and that’s absolutely who she is, a trans male. Thank you
Thank you for sharing this. My girly, doll loving, dress wearing, makeup wanting, dress up into princesses daughter decided a year ago at the age of 12 she was transgender. First it started she was pan, then lesbian, then trans. She is shy and has ADD and is compulsive and easily swayed. I think she stumbled on the LGTBQ community and felt like it was a place she could belong. I support her buy buying boy clothes and take her in for short haircuts. I’m not convinced this is who she is so this blog makes me feel like there’s hope she’ll see the light. Me, her dad, family, therapist, and even a lesbian Aunt doesn’t believe this is who she is. But we’re supporting her and I pray one day she’ll have clarity. Kids are so worried about categorizing themselves. You’re A KID. That’s your identity. Don’t worry about the rest that will come. I was certainly not thinking about if I liked boys or girls or if I was a boy or girl when I was a kid. I was hoping I could stay overnight at my friend’s house. I was riding my bike to the nearest town to see my friends. I wish the internet was never invented. I’d love support from others experiencing what I am. shannon_2003@hotmail.com
We are in the same situation. It started with the internet. Watching u tubers transition. She was 16 when she cut her hair. Now presents herself as a male. Only goes by a boys name in psychiatric hospital or on line. We ve asked if she wants us to call her by a boys name, she does not. She wore princess crowns at 14, never wore anything but a dress until she was 15. Recently diagnosed with Aspergers. I used to call her my fashionista. Always looked nice wearing dresses, scarfs, sparkles. Now she never looks nice. I had to tell her she couldn t wear a hoodie to graduation, and had to force her to shower. Ever since she cut her hair, started wearing binders, boys deodorant, boys undies she s even become more depressed. Won t even let us take her picture. It s hearbreaking to see her in so much pain. She has never actually told us she s transgender but has told friends. Also have seen it written in her sketch book. On a recent psych admission we tried to talk to her about it. She started crying. Therapist asked her why, she said,” cuz I feel like I should know if I am transgender or not.” We have her scheduled to explore feelings with a therapist about it next week. Confusing! I just keep thinking , if we re confused. She must be even more confused! Hardest thing we ve ever been through. My heart breaks! Can anyone offer advice who is transgender, and have been through the same feelings?
My daughter has also broken down crying saying she doesn’t know what she is. I tell her you’re a 13 year old kid. Stop rushing through childhood because soon enough you’ll be in the real world wishing you were still young and carefree. Before all this at around 10 she really changed. I believe she was pre menstrual because she went from fun loving, sweet, smart, confident, to the exact opposite. How does all of ones confidence just vanish?! I can’t take her picture, she doesn’t like to leave her room, she doesn’t hang out with friends.. it’s heartbreaking. I had her in with a therapist for a year going every two weeks with no improvement. Tried medications but she flushed them. I feel so defeated. We packed up all her dolls, which was a ton, but she still wanted her littlest pet shops out and continues to collect them. If she’s really male trapped in a girl’s body, why didn’t any of this come up before the age of 12? We are very close and I’ve not once noticed any boy traits. I just want to shake her and say snap out of it! The internet has brainwashed you! 😭😭😭
I’m happy I found your post. My 13 year old daughter has out of the blue announced she is a boy. However I know in my heart she’s a girl. There are no signs. There is no changing her name, her clothes or her mannerisms. She locks herself in her room on the internet. She hasn’t changed and now she wants to change everything. I’m lost. I feel like I’ve lost my girl, I cry for what was and what would have been. I want to support her. I have tried my best to be a strong woman and now this. I’m struggling. I’m not against anyone’s right to be who they are, but I know my Daughter is a Girl
I think that this is something people need to talk about more. I believe that parents and teachers and doctors and friends are too quick to jump up on the trans train. And I get a lot of hate for this because I myself am trans. There’s this whole “you can’t say anything against this because this is who you are and this is what you’re supposed to do and supposed to say and everybody has to believe, act, and think the exact same way” but that’s not true. I personally believe the majority of “trans people” that I’ve met in my life are fake. Most people on Tumblr would yell something about me gatekeeping or give me shit for thinking this way but honestly, I’m not wrong. Detransition rates have skyrocketed. It’s because people like the ones I knew in school see people around them who are gay or trans and then they’ll think “I want to be special too” so that’s suddenly what they are. They want to turn their lives into some sob story so they’ll just pretend to be something that they’re not. And that’s something that’s harmful to the actual community. These people are taking away our ability to transition and our ability to be just believed in who we are because they want to be special. All of these people are just deluding themselves with lies that way they can get attention from those who don’t know any better. they’ll see something on YouTube or on the Internet or within their peers and then they’ll try to copy that not knowing or caring how it will affect the people they’re pretending to be. And mums and dads and families just have to jump on board or else they’re evil or abusive and it tears families apart. Also noting on children transitioning, that’s a thing that should never happen. When you’re a child, you’re still developing, you’re still figuring things out and something that life-changing is irreversible. They shouldn’t be allowed to start blockers or hormones or anyting, the minimal thing that someone of a young age to be able to do is socially transition imo. Because once they get into it, they’ll be too embarrassed or scared to back out. I believe that waiting a couple years to see if this is a phase or something is what you should do. I waited four years before socially transitioning. I didn’t change my name, I didn’t bind, I didn’t cut my hair. To be completely honest, it was hell. And then all the tucutes and people who aren’t actually transgender tried telling me that because I didn’t do it right away oh, I’m not trans. Which is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard because it should be the obvious choice that you wait. You shouldn’t rush into anything if you’re not sure. You need to wait. The human mind is tricky and there’s no way to really tell if it’s lying to you, the only thing you can do is give it time. I socially transitioned at 16. And I didn’t hate it. It actually made me happy. So I kept going with it. And to be honest, I don’t regret it one bit. I’m glad I waited and I’m glad I didn’t rush. This is who I am. But it’s not everyone. And some people need to know that just because you don’t conform to stereotypes, it doesn’t mean you’re trans. I’ve been telling my mother and my older brother that I’m a boy since I was a child. Honestly, it makes perfect sense. And it infuriates me to see that all these girls (and boys but mostly girls) are out here saying that they’re what I am when they’re clearly not.
https://transcendgenders.blogspot.com/
Thank you for this. I may show it to my ROGD daughter which started with the internet. Miles Chronicles to be exact. She had no signs of being trans until she was 16. Now asking to see a gender therapist to start transitioning. She s now 18. Recently diagnosed with Aspergars so she s even more vulnerable.
Thank you!
I needed this. My daughter has been thinking she’s a boy since she was 12. She’s 15. She was all girl as a child. No sign of wanting to change. Since we relocated, she has a new circle if friends who encourage this behavior. She thought she was gay, then bi, then pan, now this. Changed her name 3 different times. This third time she wants it changed at school. She wants us to call her this name and not her “dead name”. I cannot take it anymore and hanging on by a thread. When will she come out of this??? She still sneaks my makeup by the way.
I am living the exact same thing with my son, who is 21 now. He told me at 16 but never did anything about it, so I assumed he grew out of it. On his 21st birthday, without telling me, he went to Planned Parenthood and started taking female hormones. No psychological eval, just a blood test and he was handed a prescription. He lives on the computer, reading, talking and watching 100% trans media. He has adopted a “girl voice” that sounds like he’s a Southern Belle from Gone with the Wind. Yesterday, he came home wearing a dress, wig and makeup and I almost had a literal stroke.
He was 100% boy from birth. Played in the dirt, loved cars, trucks, tractors, building forts, riding his bike, shooting Nerf guns, everything a boy likes. NEVER wanted to do or play with anything that he considered “girl”. He even went to school after graduation to learn to do body work and fabrication, wanted to build hot rods.
I can’t force him to a doctor, and even if I do, I can’t go with him or talk to the doctor without his permission. He thinks he’s fine, this is who he is. I know HE is my son and will never be a female no matter what he takes or wears. He’s 6’2″ and has very manly features. He looks like he’s wearing a costume in the dress.
I am physically sick from this. I can’t sleep, eat or even think clearly. I feel like I am grieving the loss of my son, like he’s died.
How can I help him to see this is not who he is? He’s been brainwashed by the internet and all the nonsense that is out there now. Is there any help for this???
Carrie, please join the community at Gender Critical Support Board at https://gendercriticalresources.com. Parents of ROGD kids and YA offer advice and support.
I love this comment! Thank you so much!
Thank you for this! I’m glad someone is speaking out against the ridiculousness going on with kids today and insisting they “know” when they don’t!
Thank u
What would be your advice to adults dealing with this issue? I’m in my 20s and have felt that I was the wrong gender as long as I can remember. I enjoyed things usually assigned as “male” or “for boys” which means nothing in and of itself. But I was also never able to relate to female characters in movies or books, and could never imagine myself as a woman when I thought of myself as an adult. I was always a man in dreams and always avoided calling myself a woman as I got older. I disagree with people who allow their children to transition before adulthood because I know how many phases kids go through, and understand that being uncomfortable in your body is a natural part of being a teenager. I guess I’m really just wondering what your thoughts are on people like myself who have struggled all their lives and into adulthood with their gender. Thank you for the thoughtful article, and I think the way you handled the situation with your daughter was a good balance between being firm and allowing her to try and understand herself better.
I’m so glad I found this. With no warning my beautiful 12 year old asked me to call her he. I was was calm ( even though the whole of my brain and soul were firing like mad) We talked about many things. I wont go into details but it ended with me hugging her probably too tight and long. Her choice of clothing hasn’t changed. Her hair has but so did my other two daughters at this age. I can’t stop myself checking on her. She’s in her room a lot. I’m worried. I keep finding reasons to bring her out, hug her more…I’ve always been buggy with her but it’s escalated.
My gut…says phase, but I’m terrified. She’s the baby of the family and this has fueled my anxiety. Again I’m VERY much in turmoil.
Thanks for reading.
Thank you for this article and to all those who have left comments.
My 15 year old recently told me she was now genderfluid and wanted to be called by a different name and for us to use they / them pronouns. I must admit, it came as a shock but my response at the time was to give her a hug and tell her I loved her no matter what. Just 5 hrs later, she left us an angry note because we had not already started to comply with her request.
This is still very fresh (just a couple of weeks) but we’ve spoken a fair bit and I was initially really pleased that she agreed to let us talk to a counsellor together. I hunted around and found someone that looked like a good fit. Having now spoken to her (before finding this blog) I am completely horrified for a couple of reasons.
First, without prompting, the counsellor told me that they now get SO MANY cases come to them from adolescents who are influenced by anime. This hit a nerve because my daughter does watch a lot of it. The counsellor said that this and other social media influences are “brainwashing” and can have “deep negative impact” on children. On reflection, I can see what a massive influence this has on her. It’s all she talks about, she roleplays anime characters and is involved in online fan sites and chat groups. I understand it is very popular but it is over-sexualised and violent, there are also a lot of non-binary characters within it and I feel sure this is a major influence.
So – just deny access to anime and related stuff and see if her view changes?? Well, that’s going to be like denying the alcoholic the whisky bottle?? It needs to happen but it’s going to be a rough ride.
The second thing that alarms me is the level of “help” out there which automatically assumes the child knows their own mind and so seems to pre-determine the outcome of any counselling. As many of your comments suggest, this can simply add further positive encouragement to the self-identification story. Sadly, this particular counsellor felt she was unable to help us but she did point toward others and a little bit of research really does not make me want to contact them just yet simply because I am nervous that with other influence being so strong, this process will just compound and affirm her views. My instinct is that this is still very new and I think we need to do a bit more family talking and to try to dial down some of the external influence a little first.
Like a lot of commentors here, I am scared I am losing my daughter. I feel nervous about what lies ahead. Whatever the outcome, it is going to take time and so I am so glad to have read other comments from those who are further down the track.
I see three choices: fully accept and encourage, fully deny and fight every aspect or aim for some balance. Taking influence from what I read here, I am going to go for the latter. Most important, to tell her that whatever, she is loved and that I will be right by her side to support her, but in the short term to make her realise that anime is only ok “as part of a balanced diet” and she needs other interests too. The mature approach has to be to keep talking, and to accept that these things take time.
Thank you again for your post. I feel better for reading it.
My 19 year old son came to me one day and stated he was transgender.He was “labeled” high functioning autistic when he was around 5. I did not buy it. I reacted calmly and asked why he thinks this.He said that is just how he feels. He has always been a loner and never dated a female,gone to prom had a girlfriend or even one good male or female friend in school.His brother is 2 years younger and they have always hung together .He did all the sports growing up except football. He is very smart, even winning reading awards in grade school and language arts student of the year in junior high.He likes to fish, hike and ride bicycles and his younger brother and I have done all this and more with him. His mother divorced me when he was 11. When he turned 19 he said he was not coming over to my house anymore and that he hated me. Shortly after that is when he told me he was trans and had been in therapy for a short time. The pandemic has been going on when this all started so he was no longer attending a local college he would drive to 4 days a week for class.Its all online now. I feel he had been on transgender sites and supported by his therapist to try it if he feels he needs to find himself. The next thing I knew he was taking estrogen from Planned Parenthood!! Are you kidding me??!! They give it out like candy I have been told!! MONEY MONEY MONEY!!. His mother is feels the same as I do and we both begged him to wait on hormones or anything like that until he knows for sure this is what he wants. I told him he is a man , was born a man and will always be a man no matter what he tries to do to his body. I told him the decisions he is making right now will impact the rest of his life socially, physically, psychologically, emotionally and emotionally!! He will have none of it. I asked him what his goals are and he stated to find a group to join. I said what about school?? He then stated that was also important. He is all consumed with this and it came out of nowhere!! Never did i see anything growing up with all the time we spent together would I thought this!! His Mother also agrees.
His Brother told me his older brother is delusional and can’t stand the thought of him dressing or acting like a female. His mother said not to talk to my younger son about it because I am trying to influence him to my way of thinking.I told her it is his his own thoughts as his brother to me and has no influence from me. It is having a negative, major, consuming effect on all our lives and I will talk to him about anything anytime.
I have told my oldest son that I love him and he is ALWAYS welcome at my home. I gave a car to drive,pay for his medical and car insurance, and college expenses as long as he gets good grades. He is now starting a first job and hope he will wake up to really in how the world works. I have told him I am afraid for his safety if he tries to dress,act,or portray he is a female when all he has done is grow his hair longer.I have no idea how long the hormones will take to start changes in him ?? It has me up nights with worry and hurt for him in this decisions he is making. I feel I have failed him as a father when i have tried so had to be a damn good one and don’t know what else to do. I pray for all that are going through this.I fear I am losing him because he will not talk, text or see me. There is a high suicide rate for this and I could not bare the thought that I had something to do with it if it happened. He has all the power so he won’t be turned away ,even though he has turned away from me.It is a double edged sword. It you support fully and encourage it you feel you are doing wrong. If you denounce it and try to point out the negative, you are also wrong. There is no winning at this point with the struggles as a Father that has tried to raise a son. He will always be the son with the name I gave him to me and will not call him by another name. 19 years as my son and he wants me to believe it was all fake?? Not real?? Not a male?? That I am the delusional one?? Lord help us all.
My daughter has always been girly. She was in ballet, always wanted to wear pink, get her hair done every two weeks, putting on lip gloss, belly button pierced as a Christmas present when she was 15. She begged me for it for months and I finally surprised her. She loved rose gold for her room accessories, basically just a girl. She begged me to join the cheerleading team when she was in 9th grade, it’s not a school funded sport and it was expensive $2,500. I’m a single parent but I supported her in everything that she wanted to do. She wore lululemon leggings, crop tops, bikinis, crocs, if it was girly, she wanted it. She has two female cousins that are older than her. She is 17, the cousins are 18 and 19 years old. The 18 years old cousin everyone knew she was gay from a baby. She refused to wear anything pink, she loved wrestling, boy video games, gym shoes if a girl had it, she didn’t want it. She never had to come out because we always knew she was gay. The 19 year old cousin was a tomboy, but she did girly things, wore eyelashes, hair extension, fake nails and all. She slowly stopped wearing that stuff and came out to her mom when she was 15 years old. So that was a little back story on her cousins. My daughter was talking to her friend that used to live in the state we are in because of her parents’ job. They moved back to their state when she was in 8th grade. My daughter always stayed in contact with her but during the beginning of pandemic she was talking to her more. One day I told her to not stay on the phone with her girlfriend all night because she has school in the morning. She said mother, “what did you mean by girlfriend”? I said your friend that is a girl, I said is she your girlfriend? She said we’ll talk about this later. So, two days later I brought it up and I said you want to talk to me? She said no. I said do you think you are gay? She said yes. I said how long have you known because you had boyfriends and thought boys were cute? She said I think I’ve always known but I really knew when I was in 5th grade. I said I support you, she gave me a hug and said that you for taking this so well. That was in April or May of 2020. I had a garage sale in June, and she sold all her girly clothes, went online and bought all boys clothes and it felt like she was trying to get reaction out of me. She bought boy underwear, socks and got rid of her girly stuff. She stopped being friends with all her girly friends from the cheer group and called them basic. And now the only person she talks to is her girlfriend that lives out of state. She recently cut her hair the back and the sides and bought men deodorant. She said she doesn’t feel comfortable in the women’s stuff. Everyone who knows me, and my daughter knows that I gave her total control on what she wanted to wear. So, for her to say she feels uncomfortable in women’s clothing now seems odd to me. She also quit all of her sports, cheer, track, cross-country and orchestra. She is in 11th grade virtually right now but she said when school gets back in, she is not doing no sports. I feel like most of the things she is doing is because if her girlfriend. Her girlfriend didn’t do any sports or had any friends so now all they have is each other. She recently bought a men’s wallet, baseball hats, and deodorant. Also, she has always been slim, but since she is not doing any sports or exercising, she is gaining weight and no insecure about her body. Her girlfriend is bigger than her, so she tells her to love her body and eat whatever you want. I’m not liking this new behavior, change and quite frankly I’m worried about her mental health. She thinks she is in love but watching them I feel like they are both trying to escape something. My daughter wanted to be a dentist since she was in 2nd grade and now she wants to throw it all away to move in with her girlfriend when they graduate and go to community college. I’m accepting that she is gay, but the physical appearance, getting rid of her friends, changing her goals, and giving up on her physical health is what I am not supportive of. Any advice is truly appreciated
Wow! I cannot tell you how happy I am in finding this post. I am having the same experience as many of you. My daughter 12 has always been a girly girl. Pink and purple, big dresses, heels, makeup etc. She used to attend private school but due to many reasons I transferred her and her siblings into public school. 4th grade was the typical girls not liking each other cat fights and who’s best friends with who etc. She also met a girl who identified as trans and and dressed and cut her hair like a boy etc that she was friends with. Wasn’t really very close to that person and it really wasn’t a big deal to her and I didn’t make a big dea about it. 5th grade her teacher was ridiculous, she learned about the whole Emo thing and started to wear more black and purple and having depressing or morbid discussions, acting as if she was this dark person. Than got to the point of basically making our family out to be super dysfunctional and like her life was terrible at home. She even did her big year end project on depression. Her teacher was extremely difficult and her grades were began dropping. Sixth grade comes around along with the Anime/Cosplay craze. My daughter is very artistic, I was cool with it. But soon, she started changing. She became moody and secretive, distant from me. Started calling me judgemental for speaking my mind on children making decisions about things when they have no experience or when they are certainly going through changes and how society and the push to normalize lgbtq is so rampant and a current/present part of their world. How they are growing up in a time where it’s extremely hard to determine what is real and what is not. A time where they are going through changes that make them so vulnerable yet a time where the internet/social is used for even adults to validate themselves. Finally I had enough and straight up asked her if she was trying to tell me something as it got to a point that there have been many arguments, door slamming, crying, “you don’t understand “ moments in my house. She finally blurted out that she thinks she’s bi-sexual. First thing I said was-“Well there! Doesn’t that feel better to get that off your chest?” I asked her what exactly was making her question this? Like where did this come from as she has always been into boys. She stated that she saw cosplayers of the same sex role playing and it made her feel some type of way. I went on to tel her that it’s normal. That being 12 is hard because you’re going through changes you’re not sure you like, you’re not comfortable with. You’re having new feelings and “guess what? Everyone gets aroused when they see something/anything sexual, especially a girl going through a stage hormonal changes.” I needed to leave but I told her to bring it up to her dad, that he is open and willing to listen. He had a convo with her and told her he loves her and supports her. Which we do but my thing is, that we need to learn how to expand on this. We need to normalize the craziness of being that age and going through changes, hormones, how girls get there before boys, how they’re going to experience new feelings and and have self esteem issues. And we need to clarify that we are there to support this aspect whether it comes with questioning their sexuality or not. We cannot just leave it at, I’m here to support you because guess what I found even after stating this- she found an Anime fan fiction website that takes Anime stories at their purest form and sexualizes them and creates new stories that represent lgbtq characters or situations. Cosplayers are creating tiktoks in which they role play/depict the lqbtq version of the Anime shows. This is already such a confusing time for adolescents, trying to figure themselves out and their feelings. Now they are bombarded with an onslaught of lgbtq everything and if they don’t get on board with the progressiveness they are seen as homophobic or not woke or not open minded as if they are mature enough to be any of these things. So this very website allows for a social media aspect to it and people can talk to each other. Well instead of my daughter coming to us because we aren’t saying things she WANTS to hear, she goes on this website and connects to some girl who tells her that her parents are so supportive and she’s out and her parents put her in an lgbtq support group etc. My daughter tells the girl that if my daughter came out, we would never accept it or we’d freak out. They start calling each other wyfoo which I guess means wifey. I confront her and of course she lies. I told her she is banned from such websites and reinforce that if she has questions to come to us. We are here to help her. That I will not allow the internet to raise my child. That I know her better than anything or anyone. Especially some stranger on the damn internet that may have their own agenda or intentions and may not even be another girl her age. We got a little stricter. Took her phone away, banned the website, made it so that she wasn’t alone with electronics. She was good for a bit then found a way to connect to that girl again. I found out again, this time we added some security to our internet, blocked pages, etc. She was and still is allowed to use my phone. I have all the apps and I can see everything. The problem is that no matter what I do she will find a way to go around what we have to say. She doesn’t want to hear it. She wants to go to the internet and just take part and act impulsively act on feelings. She’s not using the internet to find out why she’s having these feelings or if this is normal, or why etc. Now to me, if this is what she truly is, firstly she would have been feeling different about herself from a very early age not just all of a sudden during puberty and an onslaught of trends and agendas and her interests being twisted into those very agendas. I’m tired! I’m tired of fighting the world. I’m tired of playing tug of war with my daughter as the rope. I’m tired of the arguments and her thinking I’m evil, judgemental and like I don’t understand. I’m tired of feeling like she hates me. We need more support. The family unit is no longer important to society. It is no longer being supported. It is no longer valued. It is no longer the focus and seen as the pillars of support as the foundation. Parents are just seen as people who give give birth, we can no longer rear our children, it’s the internet’s job and children are the audience for all kinds of agendas. They are now the guinea pigs for meds and therapies to treat the consequences letting society raise them.
Thank you for this blog !!! Our daughter is 12 and in a passed year she is been saying she is gay. Which we said its fine , make sure you are happy. In a passed 2 months she cut herself thats when we reached out to a therapist. In a meantime she opened up and said that she wants to be a boy. And want to be called on a boy name …. but here is our confusion starts . She only wears girls clothes, she wears jewelry . She did ask for a binder and a short haircut. Which we got her .
The therapist is starting to call her a he which we absolutely hate. Ask her not to do that but She said her priorities is our daughter wishes
We call her in her name and it doesn’t seem to bother her .
Im just confused, is she really wants to be a he , than why is she dresses like a girl all the time put make up on styles her short hair ??
Can someone help me out here ? Is it just a phase based on what I wrote or is she a transgender?
She also said , she never wants to have a surgery only cover her breast and have short hair. Don’t want more hair in her body…
Thank you for all of your support
Hi. When I started reading your post, I thought I have posted it. It’s so scary how the stories are so similar. We are going through the same things, hair, binder, name change, yet my daughter still does her nails, wears skirts and etc. I am so puzzled. In school she started to use her boy name. Yet, naturally she acts as a girl.
I believe it’s a stage, very difficult, miserable stage for her and us. But, because there is so much transgender support I am still very worried and concerned.
Our daughter just dropped this bomb on us as well and yes, it sounds almost identical to everything everyone else is saying. Our daughter is 18 and had a steady boyfriend for 3 years. She broke off the relationship and less than 2 months later, she proclaimed she’s trans. The one difference is that she also informed us that she was sexually assaulted at 14 by a guy she thought she liked. I can’t help but feel this is the true cause of her wanting to separate herself from that trauma. We told her we would not pay for any trans therapy or medical options. She works but she is not stable enough to be on her own, and she will graduate in June. I am working on getting her therapy for the assault and hoping that she sees that it was not her fault and changing herself will not make it go away. Praying for us all.
My story is the same. Short hair now, by clothes, binder. From the girliest girl alive who was sooo happy to be getting her first big girl bra just 2 years ago. She wears skirts sometimes. Wants to go by they/he pronoun. She got very depressed and lots of social anxiety. She used to be the most talkative, outgoing, happy kid. I think it’s the new social norms and too much info on the internet.
This is so helpful. Our 22 yo aspergers daughter has been exhibiting signs for years but always told us she liked to dress androgynous and I went along. I’m not a girly woman myself. Now she tells us theu her therapist that she’s been placating us and she believes she’s trans. I don’t believe it and my only salvation is she admitted today she wishes she didn’t feel this way and could accept herself. She’s willing to go to another therapist who can help her figure this out and won’t even consider hormones or other measures for 5 years. It in the meantime we have to find someone who can really help and not just affirm like her current therapist.
The original post was written in 2015 and I was wondering what is going on now with the daughter. Thank you.
In her own words:
https://thevelvetchronicle.com/path-of-desistance-childhood-interrupted/
I’m thankful I’m not alone in this. My precious daughter has also dropped this bomb on me. I’ve been a single parent for 15 years of her life but this is literally killing me. I can’t even talk to her because my heart is breaking. She wants to go by the boy name, wants her hair cut, wants her boobs gone, etc. it’s scary and so upsetting. I could really use someone to talk to. Thanks for posting this blog!
There is a parent support board you may be interested in joining. The board has a small public forum but a larger members-only area. To become a member, go to the link below and click on “register” in the black bar toward the top of the page. Follow the prompts to join, then wait for a moderator to manually activate your account. This can take anywhere from an hour to a day. For your privacy, it is recommended you choose a screen name that does not reveal who you are. https://gendercriticalresources.com/Support/
Oh my, all these responses is like my life of what is happening . My daughter, who is 17, came out to me as trans in April this year. This happened when her best friend came out shortly before. She has never had gender dysphoria, always wanted to be in pretty dresses, you get the idea. She met this best friend in middle school and was convinced she was lesbian then pansexual. A few months ago she said she didn’t want to be labeled for who she was attracted to. Then just this week, I asked her who she is attracted to, she said not females only cis men, but wants to have her body changed. I asked her how would that work. She had one appointment with a counselor and they were ready to sign off on top surgery after one visit!!! My daughter know how to talk to make people believe her. I told her that if she still wants to do that, it will be up to her when she can pay it for herself since it is about their own journey. I do call them by their chosen name but I will not sign the dotted line to have the top surgery. I may sound like I am not accepting but I love her with all my heart and want them to fully understand the consequences of such a choice can make. I am so glad I found this page and see I am not alone in this. Though I wish you didn’t have to go through this also.Thank you for being a place to let us talk this out.
You are right to relentlessly try and stop your daughter from self destruction. I can’t imagine that in about 10 years when the females that are too young to understand realize they can not have a baby, a key function of being female and I suspect a strong underlying “feeling” for most natal females. It seems like our species depends on it as well, but that’s just a guess. I expect the suicide rate of natal females will skyrocket due to the destruction of their body. I can never know what those primal feelings are as I am male, but I have my doubts they will disappear all together in real females.
I have been visiting this website and fighting this trans religion since 2013 due to my previously non-gender dysphoric, but impressionable, high anxiety, and at least moderately depressed, son decided he felt he was a female. All my attempts at providing data, facts, analysis of the trans science as the garbage it is have been futile. We would not support his transition, so he waited until he was out of the house and had a job. My son now runs around with long hair and “tits on a boar”, and thinks these accomplish making him feel female. Of course all his adoption of girl appearance, verbalization, mannerisms, etc…, beside growing fake breasts, are nothing more than anthropological social constructs that are basically playing dress-up and roleplaying. He has continually lied about how he came to understand what he is by saying he wasn’t influenced by things he read, but as Abigail Shrier notes in her book, he has used the same conventions she documented when I tried to challenge his feeling. I have pointed out how this is nothing more than a religion from day one. I even sent him an article about how Denzel Washington, the actor, said he “felt” the holy ghost enter him. I tell him that must mean the Christian god and story must be true because Denzel had a feeling. To answer your question, no, I don’t believe in any religion, so I get to sit back and make fun of all secular and non-secular religions of this world. Sadly, this trans belief is just one of a number of “beliefs” that are being presented to fill the gap as old and traditional belief systems fall aside. Our species seems to have an inherent requirement to hold a belief, and the best ones make you feel like a victim while not requiring you to be eaten by lions.
I could talk for hours about my research and findings, but this site has much of that. I did want to make sure this site had seen some of the writings of Mark Crispin Miller, an esteemed left wing professor that arrived at the same conclusion as I did that the strategic funding and mission of the top of the trans food chain are globalists (my word) that are determined to reduce the worlds population. Mark uses the term Eugenics, but its the same conversation. I refer to the Planned Parenthood Jaffe memo and its recommendation to promote homosexuality as part of the strategy for population control. Mark did not, and I’m not sure of all his data points, but he is a notable academic that you need to research fully before writing him off as tinfoil hat wearing. He specializes in the study of propaganda and tries to teach his students how to recognize it. If you don’t know about Planned Parenthood (PPH), then read about the real and racist founder, Margaret Sanger, and her participation and belief in eugenics. Her successor to lead PPH was Alan Guttmacher, a vice president of the American Eugenics Society. Your welcome to put a tinfoil hat on me if you wish, but so many things happening in the world today can be explained by a group of powerful people working towards a one world government and a dramatically smaller world population. Anyway, do a search on Mr. Miller and visit his blog.
As for my son, I consider the practice of his religion and the example he sets and youth he will influence to be a crime that will bring more people into a destructive and suicidal belief system. I therefore am unwilling to have anything to do with him since I have expended so much of my energy since 2013 showing him the flaws and destructive nature of his beliefs. I read in Ms. Shrier’s book that one ladies daughter essentially estranged herself from her mother, and I thought her lucky to not have to watch the mutilation and destruction of her daughter. My son seems to keep trying to hang around as if someday I will come around, but I am far to interested in reality and truth for that to ever happen.
I am so glad I have found this. I finally feel like I am not alone. I would like for some parents to post updates to their stories. I had the girliest girl ever who started going through an early puberty and loved it. She loved developing her breasts, loved her body, loved her first bras. Then at the age of 11 out of nowhere she said she does not wear dresses or girly clothes anymore and wants short hair. She came out as gay and I supported. We used to be close but not anymore as she despises who I am (straight basic woman). Then she came out as non-binary with they/them pronoun. Now she is pan. Now she is thinking they/him pronoun. She says she does not want to be a boy but is clearly confused. She hates her body, insists on wearing a binder. She started hiding her face with her hair because her eyes look like girl’s eyes. She has been seeing therapists, brain balancing and a psychiatrist. I barely recognize my daughter. She is depressed, angry, extremely anxious, rude. She is into everything Japanese and cosplay. It’s obviously the influence of the internet. I just know it. It changed me and my partner left me because of that. I don’t know how long I can keep going through this alone. I am really trying to be supportive but I just cannot understand this.