by FightingToGetHerBack
FightingToGetHerBack lives in the United States with her husband and 17-year old daughter Zoe. Four years ago, Zoe made the surprise announcement that she was transgender.
FightingToGetHerBack shares her personal story to illustrate how even smart, educated parents can be emotionally blackmailed into supporting their children’s transition. She is available to interact in the comments section of this post, and can be found on Twitter @FightingToGetHerBack
For almost a year, I actively supported my daughter’s social transition to appear as a man. I called Zoe by her preferred masculine name and pronouns, and introduced her to others as my son. I was by her side as she marched in a Trans Pride Parade, waving pink and blue flags and dancing to Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way.” I purchased the binder she wore to flatten her breasts.
Outwardly, I appeared as the supportive, loving mother of a transgender child. Inwardly, I was conflicted. Privately, I grieved. Alone, I cried.
As I look back on all I did to affirm Zoe’s mistaken identity as a man, I am mortified.
What caused me to ignore what seems like common sense: that my daughter could not possibly be my son?
Why did I dismiss my initial intuition: that Zoe was caught up in a false identity that was actively promoted at her school and online?
How did I fall for the unsupported scare tactics of “affirmative” gender specialists and the narrative widely promoted by lazy journalism: that Zoe’s mental well-being — and indeed, her life — hinged on my unquestioned support of her sudden self-proclaimed identity as a man?
Like my daughter, I became a victim of transgender ideology: a non-scientific, activist-driven dogma that inexplicably dictates protocol for medical practices, mental health counseling, school policies, media coverage, and an increasing number of laws in the U.S. and abroad.
Let me begin by telling you about Zoe. Throughout her childhood, she preferred feminine clothing and hairstyles, in marked contrast to my own low-maintenance appearance. As a pre-teen, she seemed to embrace the changes brought about by puberty, expressed excitement when her period began, and enjoyed shopping for bras and body-hugging clothes. When she started 7th grade, she begged for permission to shave her legs and wear make-up. Zoe had no stereotypical male interests and shied away from all sports, hating to get dirty or sweaty. There was nothing about her childhood that I would consider boyish, except for one: her difficulty in fitting in with other girls.
Zoe is autistic and highly gifted; socially challenged, yet intellectually precocious. When she was little, she talked to her peers as if they were adults and didn’t understand when they were bored by her academic monologues. Though we invited children to our house for playdates, the invitations were rarely reciprocated. At her annual birthday parties, the other kids ignored her and played mostly with each other. Fortunately, she was oblivious to their social rejection.
But as Zoe grew older, many girls became cliquish and exclusive. They judged each other on their appearances and their fashion choices. They were turned off by my daughter’s social immaturity and her low social status. My intellectual autistic girl had a hard time navigating their complex social cues. She was not aggressively bullied, but she was left out, and she began to realize that she was different.
Around 5th grade, she started to associate more with boys than girls; not because she shared their interests or participated in their rough-and-tumble play, but for their lack of drama. Thankfully, the boys were accepting of her quirky off-putting ways. Hanging out with them was much easier and preferable to being alone. And though the boys accepted her, she still felt disconnected from her peers. “Why doesn’t anyone like me?” she asked me more than once.
So when Zoe suddenly announced that she was transgender at the age of 13, this seemed to come out of nowhere. Zoe was confused, I thought, and had misinterpreted her difficulty in fitting in with the girls as a sign that she was a boy. My disbelief was not a reflexive reaction based on intolerance or prejudice (in fact, I have leaned toward the left side of the political spectrum, and have a career devoted to progressive causes), but based on a lifetime of observations as her attentive mother.
But I was concerned: How could such a smart girl believe she was a boy? What happened to make her believe this so strongly and so suddenly?
I asked Zoe to tell me when it was that she first started thinking she was transgender. She said she got the idea after attending a school presentation. I was appalled. I had no idea this was part of the school curriculum. Zoe also told me about other kids she knew who were transgender. I was stunned to learn that this was so common. Interestingly, all of the “trans” kids that Zoe knew were very similar: highly intelligent and with apparent autistic traits–and with a history of not fitting in.
I asked Zoe, “If you hadn’t known there were other kids who were trans, would you believe you were a boy?” Her answer was telling: “No, because I would not have known it was an option. But I don’t think I am a boy; I am a boy.” She patiently explained to me the differences between gender identity and sex assigned at birth. When I expressed confusion, she told me I wouldn’t understand because I am cis. I had never heard that word before. Clearly, she had been doing some online research.
I began to do some research of my own. But nothing I found confirmed my theory: that my child’s autistic thinking and history of not fitting in made her vulnerable to the false belief that she was transgender. To the contrary, all of my online searches told me that a child’s gender identity was not to be questioned, and that children, no matter their age, know who they are. Still, I held onto my belief that this was likely a phase that would pass.
I decided the best approach was to ignore the gender issue and help Zoe develop her identity based on her interests, not on her feelings. I signed her up for 4H and nature groups. I did everything I could to help her connect to who she really was, and help her find other kids who shared her passions.
Over the course of a year, Zoe’s anger toward me grew. Our once strong, loving relationship deteriorated, and she threatened to leave home many times. She blamed her worsening depression on me and my lack of acceptance of her “true” self. It became clear that this was no simple phase that would fade away on its own, but I didn’t know what to do. Maybe she was really transgender, I wondered. My husband thought Zoe was just being a selfish, belligerent teen. But I decided that I needed someone to help me sort this out, a trained and experienced professional to answer some questions: Is my daughter really transgender? If she is, what should I do? And if she’s not, how do I convince her otherwise? I turned to gender specialists for help.
This was my first big mistake.
I went to the Psychology Today website and contacted ten local therapists who claimed a specialty with transgender issues. After explaining a bit about my daughter’s history, every single therapist responded in a similar manner: “A child would not choose this.” “A child would not make this up.” “Once teens reach puberty, there is no question that their gender identity is set.” They all ignored the fact of Zoe’s autism. “Even autistics know who they are.” They ignored the possibility of social contagion. “It’s becoming more common now because society is more accepting.” They did not see this as a temporary identity crisis, but as an absolute, undeniable truth that was dangerous to question.
Perhaps if I had found just one authoritative professional to confirm my misgivings, I would never have doubted myself.
Instead, I deferred to the apparently unanimous consensus of the experts and decided to work with Dr. Brown [not his real name], a therapist in private practice whose clinical specialties were transgender care and autism, and who was a member of WPATH, an organization that I ignorantly assumed was grounded in a scientifically-based, expert approach to transgender care.
My husband went along with my plan. We both met with Dr. Brown before he met Zoe. Surely, based upon his extensive experience, he could tell us if our daughter was really transgender. After hearing our story, he confirmed that she was. Since it had been over a year since Zoe came out to us, and because she had been “insistent, persistent, and consistent” in her identity, this meant that yes, this was real.
Dr. Brown comforted us by telling us what great parents we were for finding support for our son; that many parents refuse to believe their children are transgender and they become estranged from them. He told us that as a transgender teen, our son is at high risk of suicide and that research shows that the best way to prevent this is parental acceptance. Dr. Brown told us to start slowly by allowing him to transition at home using his preferred name and pronouns, but to wait several months until the summer to start coming out to friends and family, and to wait until the fall to come out at school.
I loved — and love — Zoe unconditionally, fiercely, and deeply. I would do anything to save her life and minimize her suffering. I have always sought the best care for her, no matter the cost. I was — and am — a vulnerable, confused, and scared mother. So I did what Dr. Brown told me I MUST do or my daughter would kill herself. I fell for the “live son” vs “dead daughter” scare tactic.
Though it was hard to hear those words — that my daughter was really transgender and that my actions were critical to preventing her possible suicide — in a way, it was a relief. Finally, I could stop debating with myself and just work on accepting my daughter as my son. It was easier to put my faith in Dr. Brown and his expertise than to constantly question myself. I rationalized that I had been in denial for the past year, but now I needed to face reality and focus on Zoe’s mental health, our relationship, and keeping her alive.
I began supporting the first step in Zoe’s social transition that evening when I used masculine pronouns and called Zoe by his chosen name, Joe. I told Joe about Dr. Brown and his recommendations. I apologized to Joe for my lack of support over the past year. Joe was overjoyed. Later that night, I sobbed privately while I grieved the loss of my daughter.
Joe started seeing Dr. Brown right away. After each session, Joe did not seem happy or content. He seemed more fixated on transitioning. Despite the original plan to take this slowly, he immediately changed his name and pronouns at school. The school never notified me of this change, nor asked my permission. Since there were already several other “trans” kids at the school, this was seen as a normal request that did not need to involve parents.
Joe’s transition at school, as with the other “trans” students, was met with complete unquestioning acceptance by peers and teachers alike. Trans teens had become so common that no one acted like this was a big deal. And after years of not fitting in, Joe thought he had finally found his tribe.
Though I was upset with the school staff and concerned with how fast things were moving, I said nothing. I needed to support my son and maintain his mental health, so I kept my concerns to myself.
Now that Joe was “out,” I helped with his social transition by taking him to a barber followed by shopping for “boy” clothes. But that wasn’t enough. Joe begged me for a binder. I discussed this with Dr. Brown who told me it was now psychologically necessary for Joe’s social transition to be complete. Dr. Brown assured me that as long as I bought one from a reputable company, there were no dangers. He told me if I didn’t buy one, Joe would just use duct tape, which was very dangerous. Given the alternative, I felt like I had no choice. I complied.
Within one month of seeing Dr. Brown, Joe’s physical transformation was dramatic. His appearance disturbed me in a deep and visceral way. My once curvy 14-year old daughter now resembled a pudgy, unattractive 11-year old boy. I was ashamed of my feelings and felt guilty for caring about his physical appearance. I told myself it was his mental health I should be focused on, but I still found it painful to look at him.
Dr. Brown kept telling me what a good job I was doing, that Joe is so happy now, and that for the first time in his life, he feels like he belongs. Despite Dr. Brown’s assurances of Joe’s happiness, that was not my observation at home. Joe seemed more and more depressed. His periods, which had been non-events until he started seeing the gender therapist, now became a crisis. Joe refused to go to school on those days and became angrier and more depressed. After each step in Joe’s transition process, he became fixated on the next. So after binding his breasts, his new obsession was medically stopping his periods.
During the time that I supported Joe’s social transition, I purposely avoided any news articles on the topic. And when I heard critical voices — which at that time seemed to come only from ultra-conservative gay-bashers — the unintended consequence of their hurtful words served only to harden my support for my son’s transition and bias my thinking.
As Joe continued to see Dr. Brown, I sensed that his “therapy” was mostly about validating Joe’s conviction that his was trans, while pushing the next step in transitioning. I eavesdropped on one session where I listened to Dr. Brown ask Joe about his week, how much he enjoyed being his authentic self, and about his next plans for transition. I did not hear Dr. Brown ask Joe about his increasing depression, or explore the basis for his growing discomfort with his body.
Despite this, we continued to see Dr. Brown and followed his expert advice. Although I never stopped having fears and doubts, I tried to convince myself that I was just a worried mom lacking objectivity. Meanwhile, my husband was mostly disengaged, refusing to talk with me about my worries, but willing to go along with whatever I decided.
Dr. Brown’s experienced, authoritative, and persuasive voice continued to convince me that my actions were the key to preventing Joe’s suicide. I deferred to his self-proclaimed authority, which was seemingly consistent with the overwhelming majority of the medical and psychological establishment. So when Dr. Brown recommended that I enroll Joe in a therapeutic support group for trans kids, I complied.
This was my second big mistake.
I selected a support group at a well-respected gender clinic, a collaborative practice that included clinicians who specialize in autism, clinical psychology, and adolescent gynecology. Their approach was described as research-based and conservative.
Before Joe started attending the support group, I met privately with the head of the clinic, Dr. Jones, to learn more. He told me that every meeting began with the kids announcing their preferred name, their pronouns, and the gender that they identified with on that particular day. He explained that the goal was to impress upon the kids that their current gender identity was not necessarily fixed. He told me that every child in the group had either been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder or had symptoms that suggested autism. I was reassured that Joe would fit in well with the other participants.
When I told Dr. Jones that over 5% of the students at Joe’s school thought they were trans, he denied the role of social contagion. He said the increasing numbers were a result of society and schools becoming more tolerant.
I asked Dr. Jones why kids with ASD were more likely to identify as transgender. He told me researchers do not know, but theorized that both transgenderism and ASD were caused by prenatal exposure to an excess of androgens. I asked if gender identity were innate, then why would it appear so suddenly with no signs throughout childhood? Dr. Jones explained that this was probably because ASD prevents children from thinking flexibly about gender until they are older. So although Joe’s gender identity was always that of a boy, Dr. Jones explained, Joe didn’t know his identity until recently because the ASD precluded the flexible thinking required to come to this realization when he was younger.
Privately, I thought all of his explanations seemed far-fetched, but as I had been doing with increasing frequency, I kept my doubts to myself, followed the “expert” advice, and agreed to allow Joe to participate in the program.
The kids in the group had many traits in common besides autism. Their trans identity came on suddenly when they were teens, they seemed really smart, and they were obvious social misfits. All had serious mental health issues. Compared to the other kids, my daughter appeared the most well-adjusted.
Although the clinicians acknowledged that these kids may change their minds, all of the parents were told to put their children on hormone blockers. When I questioned the possibility of side effects, my concerns were arrogantly dismissed. The head clinician told me that blockers were well-studied and perfectly safe, and encouraged me to set up an appointment with the clinic’s gynecologist. He recommended that Joe take blockers for one year, which he euphemistically described as “buying time.” At the end of his year on blockers, Joe would likely be ready to proceed to the next step: testosterone. Unconvinced, I refused to consent.
While Joe was in group, I got to know the other parents. We were all genuinely troubled by our children’s trans identity. We talked about how we lost friends and family members over this issue; how we had become more socially isolated; how our marriages had become strained; how surprised we were when our kids announced they were trans; how there had been no signs of this throughout their childhoods. Like me, these were caring, thoughtful parents who were determined to help their children in any way they could.
Unlike me, all of the other parents consented to medical treatment for their kids. Some were on blockers; others were already on cross-sex hormones. Apparently, I was the only one who had concerns about the medical protocol, and the only one who still harbored doubts about my child’s transgender identity. As the months passed, I felt more disconnected from the other parents. They began to question why I refused medical treatment for my son, told me I was endangering his mental health, and seemed personally offended by my non-compliance. I started to keep my opinions to myself and wondered if there was something wrong with me. Were my doubts and concerns well-founded? Or could I just not accept the reality of having a transgender child? I now believe that if I had met at least one other parent who shared my misgivings, I would have had the courage of my convictions to question the trans narrative much sooner than I did and would have escaped the power of groupthink.
So what finally woke me up? It was when the head of the program, Dr. Jones, the well-respected “expert” threatened me: “Your choice is between a mental hospital or hormone blockers.” That’s when I finally realized the clinic’s true agenda: not to therapeutically help my child, but to push her on a dangerous path to medically transition under the pretense of it being a psychological necessity.
That night, I turned to the internet to figure out what to do next. That’s when I discovered 4thWaveNow, TransgenderTrend, GenderCriticalDad, and other reasonable gender-critical voices.
I could not stop reading for days. All of my original theories were shared by a group of intelligent, thoughtful, and eloquent parents and therapists.. For the first time since my daughter announced she was my son, I found evidence-based information to support my own ideas. My God, how could I have been so stupid to doubt myself? How did I fall for this? How could I have played along with her ridiculous belief that she is a boy? How did I not see that this sudden increase in trans-identifying teens at her school was part of a psychic epidemic? That these vulnerable children were being medicalized by unscrupulous professionals? That most journalists were singularly focused on portraying transgenderism as a human rights issue, rather than what was obviously a psychological and sociological phenomena?
It has now been over one year since I discovered the online support I needed to realize the truth. But my daughter remains a victim. It is as if she has been brainwashed. And increasingly, it seems as if society has been brainwashed.
Thanks to Zoe’s school, her gender therapists, professional health organizations, the media, and the internet, my daughter is still certain that she is really a boy. She refuses to discuss the topic with me, and refuses to listen to my concerns. She is also convinced that medical transition is necessary for her future happiness, a process she plans to begin when she turns 18 next year. And I will be powerless to stop her.
The only thing I can do is speak the truth and encourage others to do the same.
If you are a doctor or therapist, please don’t reflexively endorse a child’s belief that s/he is the opposite sex. Children need good therapy to explore underlying issues that are likely fueling their discontent.
If you are a member of a professional health organization, please demand that they base their professional guidelines for gender-confused children on science, not politics or ideology. Organizations like the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Psychological Association, the American Psychiatric Association, and the Endocrine Society will continue to irresponsibly promote ideologically driven protocol as settled science until they are held accountable by their membership.
If you are a college professor, administrator, or counselor: Please speak up about a phenomenon that is becoming increasingly common across college campuses. Although most college students are legal adults, their brains are still developing and they are just as prone to social contagion as young teens. Those with underlying mental issues, often exacerbated by the stress of college life, are especially vulnerable. Many students begin their medical transition services as part of their college health plan — with little or no mental health counseling to explore other underlying factors.
If you are a journalist, please re-think the currently popular mainstream narrative and investigate this issue more deeply. Why are there suddenly so many kids who think they are trapped in the wrong body? Does science really support “an innate gender identity?” Why have the number of gender clinics treating children skyrocketed in the past ten years? What is the source of the millions of dollars that is funding this movement? Does it really make sense to treat children medically on the basis of a belief which is likely to change over time?
Whoever you are, please speak up. Please help prevent more children’s minds from being poisoned by lies, bodies from being irreversibly altered, and families like mine from being destroyed.
I am really sorry, this is a tough road that people don’t understand. Now that I have information on how transgender started, I find it difficult to support anything LGBT, despite my acceptance of gay and bisexual people. In my community (I live in California), I am a bigot because I believe transgender agenda is child abuse. I often have to hold my tongue as a teacher due to being seen as unaccepting. And fwiw, schools in CA cannot legally discuss a child’s gender preference with the parents. Nice, eh?
I do allow my daughter to wear “comfortable” clothes and cut her hair.
I tell her girls don’t need to fit into a narrowly defined box and can wear whatever they like….. Doesn’t mean they are a boy or change their DNA. I refuse to acknowledge she is a boy. I talk when she is open to listening, otherwise I am just waiting for this to pass. I am waiting for her to become more comfortable in her body and more comfortable with girls. My daughter isn’t on the spectrum, but she is ADHD and immature. So, puberty hit her hard and that is when she opted out of being a girl (along with her best friend). I can’t say I blame her given our over sexualized society.
I do have some hope. My son’s friend decided she was a boy her freshman year, but changed her mind her junior year. There are others at their school, and I can only hope they desist with maturity. Yes, it is a social contagion at my kid’s school, too.
Again, I am sorry you are on this road. You aren’t alone.
Thanks for sharing your story, Nicole. Yes, this issue also makes it hard for me to support liberal causes when they are enmeshed with transgender ideology. I feel politically homeless and cynical about so many things as a result of what I have experienced these past few years.
I can imagine how difficult it must be for you to experience this with your daughter while being a teacher amidst this sea of craziness. I wish there were a safe way for teachers to speak out with a collective voice about their concerns. As a start, if we had good data about the percentages of kids identifying we could empirically support what we see with our eyes: that this is often the result of social contagion. It would certainly help if the media started reporting on this issue with honesty, instead of portraying it as a civil rights issue that all good liberals and kindhearted people must blindly support.
That is wonderful that you have seen a child desist in real life. I hope we see many more.
Fighting – Thank you for sharing your family’s story here. At the least, this growing body of resistance offers other parents permission to dig deeper. I am so sorry you were alone for so long. My heart goes out to you and your child. Her increased suffering as she dove deeper into fixated thinking about transition is quite telling and all too common. How can ‘experts’ not see how much harder they’re making these kids lives?
Thanks, Brie. Yes, what a crazy world when “experts” see children through such a narrow lens, refusing to acknowledge the role of schools, the internet, and media in spreading ideas that vulnerable kids cling to as truth.
It is also strange to me that many psychologists that I have spoken do not see the harm in social affirmation. In fact, when I went to a therapist for myself for emotional support, she kept asking me what the big deal was: So what if your child socially transitions? She can always change back. Even therapeutic help for parents struggling with this is difficult to find. I’ve given up trying.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m a therapist, and when I hear stories like yours I despair for my profession. I’m just astounded by the lack of curiosity, empathy and sensitivity that you and Zoe have been met with from the therapists you’ve encountered. I like the link you gave to Sasha’s advice for finding a therapist (below), and hope that it will help families to track down the kind of therapists they need.
Thank you for your comments, Anna. Yes, I was very surprised myself that there seemed to be no critical thinking or questioning among the therapists I spoke with, both in person and when calling around to try to get help for my daughter. However, I want to emphasize that the therapists I spoke with were all of those who claimed a specialty in transgender issues. I think that if I had had the advice of Sasha Ayad to follow, I would have received different responses to my questions.
I worry about how easy it is for non-questioning professionals to simply defer to what they view as consensus, scientific-based guidance on treating trans-identifying children. For example, the guidelines put forth by the American Academy of Pediatrics and the American College of Osteopathic Physicians were written by the Human Rights Campaign and assorted gender clinicians.https://www.aap.org/en-us/Documents/solgbt_resource_transgenderchildren.pdf
With the exception of the American College of Pediatricians, I have yet to find a psychological or medical association that does not endorse and promote ideology over science. And of course, the ACP is dismissed because of their other socially conservative and religious views.
When you are “just a mom” arguing about this issue, it is very difficult to get others to believe you when it appears the entire medical and psychological community says otherwise. If you could help by spreading stories like mine among your colleagues, I — and struggling parents like me — would be most appreciative.
Thank you for this terrific piece. You are as brave as you are loving — and your personal account of this nightmare inspires many other parents to speak out.
Thank you for your kind feedback, Cat. I appreciate it and really hope other parents will learn from my mistakes.
Thankyou for sharing your story.
Your story breaks my heart. I am so very very sorry and grateful for you sharing your story. I am in the very thick of where you have been, just 6 months since my daughter told me she is a boy. She is also on the spectrum, gifted, and more mentally sophisticated than most of her peers. All the things you saw in Zoe. We thankfully have a supportive psychologist who sees this as ROGD, related to her Aspergers, which our daughter denies she has. I also let her cut her hair, bought her clothes from the boys dept, but refuse to call her by her other name and other pronouns. I’ve talked to her about being gender fluid and ambiguous is enough for now. I’m not going to let her do things that hurt her body. Ironically, I’m in midwifery school and have told her that while I would never pressure her or expect her to have children if she doesn’t want to, I see the damage that hormones do to bodies and I would never be ok with letting her choose to take them. We got her a cell phone for Christmas and I feel that her online activity and acquaintances that she tried to fit in with in school that were LGBTQ is what influenced her statement. We told her we’re fine and supportive of her saying she’s bi-sexual, but her saying she’s a boy is cognative dissonance for us.
It’s so hard to feel like you’re making the wrong decisions. And to feel like you’re not being supportive. It’s is a very very lonely place to be sitting in your room crying about your kid. I’ve told my daughter that my pain is over how hard I have worked over the years to help her feel pretty; not just in a feminine, girly sense, but in a way that she has a good relationship with her body and loves it. This is the hardest part for me. I feel as I’ve failed her in that way.
Welcome to the “club,” ABT. That is wonderful that you found good therapeutic support for your daughter. I assume that means you do not live in a state with laws that ban therapists for questioning kids’ self-declared trans identities.
After my daughter first got the idea at school, she found affirmation on the internet where she assumed a male identity. I think if she hadn’t found so much trans-affirming information and support online, this idea would never have blossomed in her mind. And then of course, the affirmation that she received from professionals — from medical doctors, psychologists, and teachers — makes this all even harder.
Mostly I think about how much my husband and I affirmed her, and I feel tremendous guilt. I can very much relate to your feelings of failing your daughter. But I think we both know we did the best we could.
Underlying my child’s trans identification was body hatred. Girl power messages are not enough anymore. When my kid stopped identifying as trans, she became comfortable with her body. Kids need to learn to love their bodies. To fundamentally reject one’s own body is a huge form of body hatred. I cannot see it any other way. I’ve tried.
It would help if the media were not glorifying double mastectomies as an aesthetic choice and a positive step toward self actualization.
https://gendercriticalactioncenter.wordpress.com/2018/06/10/tell-the-ny-times-to-stop-normalizing-female-body-hatred-by-glorifying-double-mastectomies-of-healthy-breasts/
This person is not even transitioning. They just hated their breasts. In this context it’s just another advance in cosmetic surgery, yeah?
Here’s an underwear company prominently featuring the “top surgery” scars of one of its models. Another example of self-actualization via chopping off your boobs.
https://tomboyx.com/pages/neutrals?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=neutrals
How on earth did we come to hate ourselves so much? How did OUR GIRLS come to hate themselves so much?
Thanks for pointing this out, Puzzled. As if the media’s glorification of unattainable standards of body perfection and impossible thinness weren’t enough, we now have to worry about its celebration of cosmetically motivated body part removal. This is sick.
Agreed, Jenny. I have noticed that the longer my daughter has identified as trans, the more she has come to hate her body. It is so sad to witness and know that I have no magic words that can make her feel otherwise.
Though I’ve been following this blog for a while now, I realized recently that I’ve never commented.
Fighting To Get Her Back, your daughter sounds so much like mine. My bright, fun-loving daughter also has Aspergers. We all began to see the social gap widen dramatically at around junior high school age. She had a thought one day because a friend was transitioning. That thought led her to begin to transform herself to a boy within one week of the idea. One week. I’m not exaggerating.
Our battle ended up being really short compared to other people’s, though, it was a fierce months-long battle. She desisted after about a year and a half and is happier than I’ve ever seen her. She loves herself now – which I did NOT see her doing during this battle. Our relationship is stronger than it’s ever been and I’m thankful beyond words about this.
The reason I decided to finally comment is that I just want you to know that you’re right. We saw the exact same trend with our daughter while she was in the midst of this process. She seemed to become more and more unhappy the further she got into the trans lifestyle. She made terrible decisions and became increasingly depressed, angry and self destructive the more she wanted to become a boy.
The schools, medical, and psychology communities are truly failing our children who struggle through this. They have bought into an idea that will one day have serious repercussions, and I couldn’t be more sorry that the innocent kids are the ones getting caught in the crossfire.
To be clear…I don’t hold prejudice against the trans community. I’m not judgmental in any way about an adult making their decisions, but I do have a healthy skepticism about the teenage quick transition. I also really respect the members of this group for their ability to have civil discourse.
Also, thank you to all the brave souls who share their stories. You’ve helped me and touched me so much with your courage.
Thanks so much for your kind words, Grateful Mom. So glad to hear a story with a happy ending. As I read and talk to other parents, I find the similarities among our children quite striking. I wish the media would begin to connect the dots…
Thanks for sharing your story, FightingToGetHerBack. Many of us have daughters with similar backgrounds. They are bright, sensitive, they overthink things, they are socially immature–these traits make them feel different from their peers. Some have ASD. Actually, the numbers are staggering for teen girls and boys with ASD who have been caught up in transgender dogma and rapidly affirmed as transgender.
Your experience is especially valuable as you have seen & lived on the other side, what some people might call the Kool-Aid parents.
Yes, the Kool-Aids share our concerns and have mostly been emotionally blackmailed by the gender clinic professionals to go along with the program: your daughter is now your son, you must not stand in the way of the irreversible harm done by testosterone, breast-killing binders, and even surgery.
I hope many will read your story and learn from it.
Mainstream press, where are you?
Thanks so much, MissingMom!
Yes, where is the maintream media? I ask myself that question every day as I continue to read one transgender child cheerleading story after another. Truly, what happened to good, brave investigative journalism?
I certainly agree about your point re: Kool-Aid parents. While I did not drink the Kool-Aid myself, I sipped from it while everyone around me was chugging with their eyes closed!
One reason I wanted to share my story was to help people understand the pressure on parents to follow the “experts.” When I was seeking help for my daughter, I ignorantly thought that finding someone who specializes in transgender care was the smart way to go. It is hard to question the authority of someone who professes expertise and experience, while telling you your daughter needs your affirmation or she will likely commit suicide.
I’d like to encourage parents who are trying to find a good therapist to follow the advice of Sasha Ayad: https://inspiredteentherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Support-at-Home-and-Beyond-2018.pdf
I also thank you for your story. Except for the autism, my daughter sounds just like your daughter, who sounds much like many other daughters and more who are convinced they are boys. Or need to medically transition to being a boy.
My daughter won’t even talk to me anymore. Or text. She lives with her dad at the moment. I am beside myself with grief most days. They say that these transgender kids are suicidal. Well how about the parents?? We’re suffering too – and as for me, I can’t be convinced to drink the Kool-Aid.
ROGD is going against all the science, biology, and common sense.
I’m miserable, heartbroken and lost (losing a daughter to the transgender world is really like a death!) – and if it weren’t for the other parents on this and other similar sites, I may have succumbed to ending my own life. So again – Thank you and all the other families, parents, and friends for being here….
I’m so sorry, Sufferjetage. I hope at least you have a support network, or a good mental health professional to guide you through this. This takes such a toll on families, and it is like a death, except there is no healthy way to mourn and no path to accepting what we know is a lie.
I have felt my own mental and physical health decline as a direct result of this. My increasing social isolation does not help much either. After being breezily dismissed by a therapist when I tried to get help for myself, I have given up trying.
I, too, wonder where I would be without sites like 4thwavenow, and the ability to connect online with other parents who are experiencing this unique kind of trauma and grief. We are not alone.
It is very much like death — like suicide, in fact. Our daughters have essentially killed off their old selves — changed their names, their appearances, their identities, their allegiances. The person they used to be is dead, and we are not allowed to even mourn the loss unless we want to be labeled transphobic and bigoted and hateful.
My daughters ex therapist told me that I have to mourn my daughter but somehow not let her see that grief and be happy for her becoming her true self!! WTF??!! Sometimes when I hear the stupidity that these professionals spout I am truly dumbfounded. My kid came out as trans at 18. Never once in her life did she ever exhibit the signs described as childhood dysphoria. She was non conforming in dress since grade school but never expressed dissatisfaction with her sex. Besides my daughters clothing choices nothing about her was masculine. These experts say she was just hiding it or didn’t understand what she was yet. Yes.. funny it took her friends coming out as trans before she recognized what her “authentic”self was! I have had to stop talking about it with her because she was backing away from our relationship. I “educated” myself by reading the “approved gender identity bullshit but all that accomplished was me doubting these professionals more. It is so crystal clear to me and many others that something is not right about this unquestioning belief that some people can be born in the wrong body and we just need to affirm and support their identity immediately. It is also clear that trans has become synonymous to lesbian or ASD or tomboyish. Pandora’s box has been opened and it’s going to take many more detransitioners to be brace enough to speak out to these experts for some safe guarding to happen. I keep every child,teen, young adult and their families in my thoughts and heart. I pray they are all ok and yet I have so much fear
Yes, it is amazing to me what is happening to this generation of children and yet all of the adults seem oblivious to what seems so obvious.
One (of many!) aspects of this issue that I find very frustrating is the assumption that once children turn 18, they have every right to do what they want with their bodies. While this may be true from a legal standpoint, and while we certainly want 18-year old legal adults to have agency over their lives, this should not mean that therapists and medical professionals ignore that their brains are still developing (frontal lobe executive function not fully established until ~25 years of age, but for those with autism, even longer) and that they do not consider the social milieu in which these kids are living (online fantasy world of trans-cheerleading YouTube videos, college world of trans as a cool and trendy way to fit in, etc.) It is absolutely horrifying the number of kids that I have seen in real life who are medically transitioning in college while their health care practioners think that “informed consent” is all they need before proceeding. Honestly, I wonder if these providers have any idea what they are doing, or they just don’t care.
I read an account of a parent taking her trans kid shopping. Her kid is a young adult. Navigating bathrooms and dressing rooms traumatized the kid. This is a kid who announced without any warning, their new identity, went to a gender therapist and started transitioning right away. Zero gate keeping. Zero therapy to address possible underlying issues or to help guide an informed transition. This kid would have benefited greatly from a year or two of therapy to really address what transitioning entails. Perhaps a shopping experience would not have been so traumatic. It’s akin to medical malpractice, IMO.
I do understand why people would want to be rid of gate keeping. For a 30 or 40 yr old, they’re more likely to know what they are getting themselves into. For young people? They don’t. They don’t have that life experience that comes with age and maturity. Seeing a therapist while you undergo transition is the best a young person can hope to get anymore. I feel incredibly lucky to have randomly gotten the gender therapist we got, who incidentally is studying the trans/autism connection in a university setting.
Thanks for sharing this story, Jenny. That is what happened with my daughter. Very little time had passed before she went straight from the initial appointment with her gender therapist to wearing a binder and male boxers. So many people view social transitioning as “exploratory,” “reversible,” or “no big deal.” It is a very big deal. While it is not as physically harmful as medically transitioning (though binder usage can have very serious medical consequences), the psychological affirmation and identity solidification that results is quite powerful and makes therapeutic exploration even more difficult.
I was told the same and I actually had to choose the mental hospital for a few months. It was heartbreaking to do but I was concerned about suicidal thoughts. We accepted and affirmed but it didn’t matter, the depression got worse. I’m homeschooling now, waiting to see how things play out. I’ll support in adulthood because by that time 4 years will have passed and the kid will be responsible for the choice.
I’m so sorry. I hope it gets better.
You are not alone. This was the approach I took also, to support transitioning in adulthood. We never needed a mental hospital but I was keenly aware of the mental health challenges that came with the trans identity. I checked in many times every day. As a homeschooler, I hope you are getting out and seeing things and exploring what there is to explore where you live. That was a key aspect to helping my child get away from transgender stuff and all the mental health decline that came with it. Don’t hesitate to reach out.
Thank you. We are very active socially too. There’s always neighborhood kids around and we belong to some interest groups. As hard as things can be socially for my daughter there is a good group of childhood friends, and they are supportive. My kid’s doing a lot better, and I think homeschooling is good for now. It’s really more like an online school, there’s a program and we limit the websites!
Can someone explain to me WHY parents believe what gender therapists say although the information about the dangers of puberty blockers – gnrh agonists, is just 1 google search away?
Neither these irresponsible parents nor their children are prepared for what awaits them. It can take a decade until the long term side effects appear. Then there are also the side effects of hrt.
https://khn.org/news/women-fear-drug-they-used-to-halt-puberty-led-to-health-problems/
Hello Stella, I think I have an idea of why parents believe… or that some parents believe, anyway. This idea that gender-variant youth have a 41% suicide attempt rate (or sometimes you’ll even see a 41% “suicide rate” which is unforgivably lazy journalism) is taken as fact, and broadcast widely. If the downside to permitting your child to do something is death, that’s a pretty steep downside. I think that the advocates cast it, and some parents take on board, that medical transition for children and youth is EXACTLY like life-saving cancer treatment, and that with-holding that treatment is EXACTLY like permitting your child to die in service of ideology or misbegotten notions about medicine and free will. Sort of like people who let their kids die of peritonitis because they won’t take them to the hospital for appendicitis, you know?
There are a lot of things wrong with the “transition or suicide” narrative. The “41% rate” is fatally flawed, for starters. The treatment of suicide in this community is diametrically opposed to the way suicidality is treated in every other group. The sparse data available seems to indicate that transition may, after some years, actually increase suicide risk. Finally, not to go into it in detail but, even IF the numbers are as the advocates claim, which they’re not, vast numbers of kids wind up being transitioned to “save” one or two. Like it or not, we shouldn’t prophylactically harm the vast majority of kids to prevent harm to a tiny fraction. We don’t analyze risk this way when thinking about any other problem.
But when you ask why parents would ever countenance this degree of harm to their children, I do think that the suicide aspect is primarily to blame. (Not that there aren’t some parents who seem to do it for social or political reasons, which is pretty egregious.) But, as the article notes, the mark of a “good parent” these days is to take your child for mental health assistance, early and often. I don’t blame parents for believing what the “professionals” have to say, especially when it’s backed up by terrifying threats such as that of suicide.
Thanks for asking this important question, Shelia. I have a couple of thoughts on this since I personally know many parents in real life who have followed this path.
I agree with WorriedMom’s point about the use of faulty suicide statistics. When I started socially affirming, that was the biggest factor for me. At that time, everything that I found online supported this stance – that parental acceptance of their child’s transgender identity was essential.
I did, however, say no to hormone blockers. And in my group of parents, I was the only one who did. These are my observations:
The parents that I knew were not stupid and they cared deeply about their kids. Most had been on very rough journeys with their children for many years. Some had dealt with suicide attempts and other serious mental health issues. So I think part of it is when clinicians that parents trust as experts tell them that the reason for all of this is because their child is transgender and they need to just accept it and follow the recommended protocol, they listen. They are tired. They are emotional. They are desperate. And they are among a group of other parents who are doing exactly the same thing (except for one – me!)
But as you pointed out, simple online searches will reveal serious risks. So why don’t parents question more?
In my opinion, I think part of what happens to parents in this position is they don’t want to question. They want a positive path forward and it is too emotionally and psychologically difficult to question. And so they self-select for what they read, and ignore that which doesn’t conform with what they are being told to do.
It is very difficult to be objective when you believe your child’s life is at stake and your actions are critical to preventing their suicide.
Waiting and waiting and waiting for clarity — which can happen if you support your kid’s gender nonconformity but not medical treatment — can be really hard, esp if you are already worn out with a kid who has prior mental health issues. Believe me, I know. We’d already had more than a decade dealing with the mental health stuff before the “I think I’m trans” idea showed up, and we’ve had four years living with ambiguity since then. Living with ambiguity is hard, on the kid and on the parents. If an “expert” (nay, a bunch of them) tells you that this is the fix, it is very, very tempting to say, “OK, fine, no other choice. Roll the dice and hope for the best.”
Esp if those in authority also tell you that you are a bad person if you do not acquiesce; a person who is unsupportive and bigoted and phobic and unable to properly love and care for your child, and probably putting your kid at risk for suicide, as noted above.
And then there is the fact that parents’ friend groups are liable to give the parents a ton of positive strokes when they make the “supporting our child’s true self” announcement, you know? There is a lot of support for this.
Watch and wait and tread lightly and negotiate with your kid and try to keep the kid safe while the brain matures enough to make such a decision in a truly informed manner — in general, that course of action comes with no positive strokes, whatsoever.
So I can see why people roll the dice, and I am sure it makes their lives much easier for a time. If I’d let my kid start T two years ago I expect our lives would be easier now. But I can’t just be concerned with short term. It’s my job to be concerned with long term, to point out LONG TERM probable/potential consequences. Which I have done with my kid.
I don’t fault those parents at all (well, except for the ones who become activists and vilify parents who make different choices). I do fault the psychs who KNOW about child development and executive function and comorbid conditions and social contagion and … got on the “speedy affirm” train anyway. Now we are mired in this evil movement disguised as the next great human rights / human potential crusade. Either the long-term results are going to bear out our worries, or it’s all going to be fine and our kids will forever be pissed at us for slowing them down. I think the risks of the former are greater than the risks of the latter. Obviously that’s not necessarily the majority parental opinion.
Lots of important observations and insights, Puzzled. Thanks for sharing them.
@puzzled, I understand the ambiguity thing. I have tried to use this time to help educate my child about the medical process of transitioning, in a completely objective way. I only discuss the medical part. So, my husband and I have separated the “treatment” into two phases, right now because of age we’re doing therapy (regular therapy, for anxiety, dysphoria and depression, not a gender specialist) and we said no to blockers because of side effect risk. We are going to reevaluate at 16, if it’s still going on, and I just try not to worry about that yet. It’s possible that I’ll emancipate her for medical treatment, not kick her out or anything like that but I don’t want to be responsible for her decision in case she changes her mind later. We all sat down and wrote up the plan, with doctors, and to my surprise the fighting has almost stopped. I’ve noticed that every time there’s a chink in the ideal, when reality is unavoidable, there’s a surge of defending the trans identity to us and then things go back to almost normal for a while. I’m not bringing up these logical fallacies, they’re being discovered without my opinion. I don’t know how things will turn out, but I do know that my kid will have informed consent even if I disagree. I don’t disagree with it in adulthood but I think it’s something that should be considered carefully in minors!
I recently read this comment in an affirmative support group for parents:
“I do not look at studies or reports, because they do not encompass every single situation. I seek guidance from those living this. It’s why I’m here, so I do not cause long term harm to my 6 year old.”
Never underestimate the power of fear or the power of a group to shush concerns and objections to the dominant narrative.
Wow, Brie. “Don’t confuse me with, like, SCIENCE. Let me just get info from everybody in the same fishbowl as me and my kid.”
Brie, in addition to your point about studies not pertaining to individual circumstances, I think it is important to note that many of these studies were based on the presentation of young children from many years go — which has a different cause, and therefore, trajectory — that the teens and young adults for whom this appears to be an obvious psychologically induced social contagion.
In fact, the studies that show that the majority of young gender dysphoric kids are no longer dysphoric when they reach puberty was used as evidence against me when I was questioning my daughter’s sudden identity. I was told that a child who is dysphoric at puberty or beyond — whether it appears sudden or not — is indeed transgender.
It will take many years before science has caught up to what we parents are currently living. In the meantime, we have only each other to learn from as we try to navigate this impossible mess.
That’s why I am so grateful to 4thWaveNow and other gender critical sites. I can’t imagine how much harder we parents would be struggling. Really. I just can’t even imagine it.
Thank you for telling your story, FightingToGetHerBack. I hope your daughter will see the light before she turns 18. If not, maybe getting a job would be a preferable choice to going to college where she will certainly get whatever she wishes and be supported. Some real life experience may change her mind. My daughter has finished her second year of college and I have recently found out that she has been taking testosterone for much longer than I had thought and has had a double mastectomy. We think that sending our kids to college will be beneficial to them in the long run, but in our situation (all of the parents here) with rampant transgender acceptance and easy access to medical interventions in universities, it may be wiser to hold off for several years and have our kids get some real life experience first.
Oh, Dorothy, I am so sorry. That makes me so sad for you, and so angry about what is happening at many (most?) four-year colleges. But thanks for sharing what happened with your daughter. People have no idea what is happening with college kids these days.
I have an older daughter in college. She has shared with me many chilling and strange observations about what she has experienced.
At her first dorm meeting freshman year, all of the kids went around and introduced themselves with their name and pronouns. She said several were opposite of their biological sex, a few used plural pronouns, and one said it depended on the day. Within one month, a freshman on her floor (a boy with autism) announced he was a girl. In her estimation, 10% of her entire dorm floor identified as trans.
The following year, she noticed more and more kids coming out as trans. She said they all reminded her of her sister, and they looked very similar to each other. She showed me their social media accounts. So disturbing, but very telling. They all seem very proud and open about their “true” identity. I also noticed a lot of hateful postings about “cis” people. It seemed as if they enjoyed being part of a supposedly persecuted group, and yet all I observed was it was they who were doing the persecuting.
She also noticed that this trans identity was prevalent among certain groups, namely the theater, arts, and writing groups. For example, she said that half of the school’s poetry slam group was trans.
Another weird thing she has told me is that many of these girls who are identifying as trans men are heterosexual and date/have sex with heterosexual boys. She showed me pictures of girls in binders who look like boys, and yet she tells me that many heterosexual boys are attracted to them.
She has witnessed the rapidity with which kids have gone from assuming a trans identity to medically transitioning. And when they do, they are met with great applause for their bravery.
In the classroom, professors will modify their language in academic discussions. And if they don’t, students file formal complaints against them.
On Trans Awareness Day, students made all of the campus bathrooms unisex. She said that one of her friends was really disturbed when she walked in on her male professor in the bathroom.. No one says a word. The school newspaper applaud this. And yet, these girls seem to think that they have to accept this or be deemed transphobic
My daughter feels very alone because she senses she is the only one who sees how sick and horrible this is. I am encouraging her to speak up, or at least share her concerns with the admin (even though I doubt it will change a thing). But she is afraid because of what her peers will say and think about her.
I agree with you, Dorothy, that many colleges are breeding grounds for transgender ideology and confusion about sex. For that reason, my husband and I have decided that we will not support our youngest daughter attending a four-year college unless and until she can embrace herself as the woman she is. Until then, her choice will be to continue living at home while working and taking community college classes, or leave home and finance her medical transition on her own.
This was a hard decision for us to make, but we don’t want to make the pathway to medical transition a simple one for her — and certainly not one that we are indirectly financing by sending her to a college that provides easy transition services.
Thanks for raising this important topic about colleges, Dorothy, and thanks for sharing your story. I am so, so sorry for your daughter and your family.
This is absolutely true about the colleges.
If your child is flirting with this identity, do not send them to a four year college.
You are likely to lose your child.
Your child can easily start on testosterone and even have a mastectomy–all courtesy of the college health plan.
So sorry, Dorothy.
FightingToGetHerBack,
When writing about my own experience with a daughter similar to yours, I also noted her stereotypically feminine interests and style choices as a child I think the fact that we look at stereotypical interests, behaviors and styles as signs of gender tells us just how shallow this movement is. I cannot think of a definition of gender that does not involve sex stereotypes. Even if a guy says he just feels female, how can he describe feeling female in a way that does not involve sex stereotypes. I don’t feel female. Females feel all kinds of ways. So it is back to the fifties I guess. You have to have the physical body that matches your interests, behaviors, style choices, etc. This is a really regressive movement. Bring back real feminism, please!
Yes, when my daughter came out to me, I knew so little about this issue — only want mainstream media wanted me to know. My main comparison point was Jazz Jennings, a child who defied stereotypes from a young age. And so that is what I focused on and what puzzled me — that my child DID willingly conform to stereotypes. As I think back, I wonder if she actually did NOT conform and if she had a childhood history of acting/looking like a boy, would I have been less likely to question…?
And yes, this is such a regressive movement, a movement based on stereotypes, conformity, and no questions allowed! There is nothing progressive about it!
My daughter just graduated from high school this week she is 18 and has said she is a boy since age 15. One of her good friends who also said she was a boy at the same time desisted about a year ago. I’m sure she is pursuing testosterone without even telling us and going on her own. Although a bright student she has never been tested for autism. I suspect she may have Asperger’s. Very intelligent but socially immature. She decided to stay at home and go to a community college. I am glad she has decided to hold off on going to a 4-year college at this point because the previous comment says the universities are very supportive of the trans identity. I thought she would grow out of this by now. She graduated from an art focused high school and there are many girls who have claimed to be boys at the school. Excited for her to get out into the real world
The lack of social/emotional maturity is so true! Why is this not taken into account by clinicians?
Yes, it is hard to understand. This is just common sense. You don’t need a single psychology class to tell you this should be standard procedure. And yet, many of these people have PhDs! This whole experience has made me very wary of those with advanced degrees. Many of them seem oblivious to reality and weak in logical thinking.
I am so sorry, Momof3. As I mentioned in a previous comment, it seems that certain groups (like art groups) have a disproportionate number of kids identifying as trans. Community college at home sounds like an excellent choice.
At this point it doesn’t matter one iota if you conform to every single sex stereo type there is. All you have to say is I feel. It is your innate gender identity. This is how ridiculous it has become! And these silly silly “professionals” believe this?! God forbid you are a Tom boy or an even slightly effeminate boy. Ten years ago stupid people might assume they were lesbian or gay but now they are transgender. I think replacing the term transsexual with transgender and than promoting the idea of innate gender identity added with very little to no gate keeping is what blew the roof off of any common sense. I’m also furious that the medical and mental health profession won’t start speaking up in the US. I don’t care anymore if their jobs are in danger! Have some friggin ethics or you don’t deserve to be called doctor! I don’t expect the media to do their jobs. They are hand maidens to whatever gets the ratings. Maybe ten years from now when a lot of these kids are old enough to realize the harms that were done to them will we here from these journalists something other than the cheer leading.
I share your anger, Awakened. And yes, I think the use of the term “gender” has distorted absolutely everything. It astounds me that so many medical forms now ask for my gender instead of my sex. Do they think sex is a dirty word? Do they really want to know whether I fit into a gender stereotype? Do they no longer care what sexual organs I possess, or what unique risk factors I might face as a biological woman? It is absolute insanity.
Yes, medical and psych professionals MUST start speaking up. But they need a collective voice to speak against their professional associations. And they need the media to grow a spine and start covering this issue responsibly so when they are publicly attacked for speaking the truth, perhaps the general public will know which side is speaking the truth.
And yes to all of you doctors and therapists and journalists and activists….keep writing all of us parents stories off. Keep on saying regret is rare and ignoring the detransitioners. Time will tell . I’m pretty damn sure they are going to be ashamed of the harms they helped to promote (at least the ones who have any morals or ethics).
Yes, they should be absolutely ashamed of themselves. This is their damn job — to speak truth to power, to ask hard questions, to reveal medical malpractice, and report the truth, not parrot baseless lies!
I can’t tell you how many journalists I have personally contacted about my story only to be ignored. And in the one case where I was not ignored, my story was distorted and used to promote more transgender mythology: //4thwavenow.com/2017/03/
My daughter told us she was a boy at 18, about 2 years ago now. She has since been diagnosed with ASD. I have read a lot about this. Very many autistic women (and men) struggled with gender in the past, but weathered through it and have come to live comfortably in their birth sex. Or come to realise, as Alis Rowe (autistic writer), put it in her book “she is just a person in a female body”. Now the medical community appears to have closed that route. And seems to be leading to sterilisation of our children. Creepy.
Can I ask how you see the future panning out for Zoe?
Thanks for sharing, ScaredMum. ASD in women is greatly under-identified and misunderstood, even among those who express expertise in autism. I am not familiar with Alis Rose, but will check out her writing. Thank you!
I view what Zoe is going through more like an identity crisis with many similarities to being in a cult. But unlike most cults, this cult is everywhere. I also don’t see her gender dysphoria as the catalyst to her transgender identity. In fact, I see the opposite. It was after she assumed her new identity as a boy that she developed dysphoric feelings. I blame her gender therapist and the internet for that. She is a hypochondriac when it comes to physical ailments and is very suggestible to developing symptoms that match what she thinks is wrong with her. I see the same thing happening with her development of gender dysphoria.
I really don’t know what the future has in store for my daughter. Right now, she is planning to medically transition. She plans to start testosterone next year, followed by a mastectomy and then genital surgery. She has no idea what this is really all about as she bases this desire on what she has seen and read online. When I try to discuss this dispassionately and objectively with her, she gets angry and refuses to talk or listen. I have realized these conversations are futile and worry that they result in solidifying her desire to transition even further.
As I mentioned in a previous comment, my husband and I will not financially support her if she chooses medical transition and we will not support her attendance at a four-year college unless and until she accepts her body as a woman.
I believe that one day Zoe will desist, but I don’t know what the catalyst might be. I fear that she may have to experience medical transition before she realizes the truth.
Is denying your child access to post-secondary education something that will make your child think of you and your positions more fondly, do you think? Or do you think that this might be the sort of thing that would convince your child, instead, that they are being persecuted by their parents?
That is so hard, I really feel for you. We have asked our daughter not to do anything irreversible until she is 25. She just says she will take medical advice ( being autistic, she is a stickler for rules). In the meantime her friends are cheerleading, asking her when she gets to go on “hrt”.
I really think if she had been born 5 years earlier or 5 years later none of this would have happened.
Randy, you misread. She’s not denying a post-secondary education. She’s attaching strings. LOTS of parents do that with their college kids. Unless the kid is willing to fund it all herself, that’s how it goes for most. I funded my own college and did what I wanted. I could have lived at home and spent less money and lived with the house rules of my parents. They were nice people, still are, I just didn’t want to have their rules at that age. It’s about choices. Her kid gets to make a choice. She may decide she’s being persecuted, but even that’s a choice.
If this were my kid, I’d assume she was a bit more resilient than that. To assume otherwise doesn’t do kids any favors, especially if they decide to transition. College is a luxury. As such, adult children can choose to pursue it within the conditions they are presented with.
Thanks, Jenny and ScaredMum. I appreciate the comments.
Randy, yours is a fair question and one I have considered very seriously.
First off, I do not believe that monetary support for secondary education should ever be assumed. In fact, students who are financially vested in their education often value it more and make better choices. So I do not consider a lack of financial support a form of persecution.
Second, I also believe that most every potential college student would benefit from some time off between high school and four-year college. Working and community colleges are especially attractive options for kids who are not socially ready, or perhaps do not have the executive function demands to succeed academically. (My daughter falls into this category.)
To address your question more directly as to whether not supporting 4-year college would make her more resolute in her convictions. Yes, it might. It might make things worse. Or it might not. It might harm our relationship. Or it might not. This is debatable and I am sure that many of us parents who have grappled with this have come to different conclusions.
For my personal situation, my daughter plans to medically transition at 18. This is VERY easy and inexpensive to do at most colleges where she will either be on our health plan (which covers hormones and surgery — and because she will be 18, we have no legal rights even though we are paying for the policy). And if we cut her off our medical plan, four year colleges require students to be on the college plan. If you look at their websites, most all provide coverage to students. All she will need then is to give her “informed consent” and she can easily begin the process.
So this leaves us with two options: (1) Do we blindly support her attendance at a four-year college knowing the probability of her medical transition is very high? or (2) Do we tell her she will have to pay for college on her own unless she agrees to our conditions? We have decided the latter option makes the most sense for our personal situation.
Of course, I don’t know for sure. I don’t know how she will respond and if this is the right approach. I second guess myself on pretty much everything I have done and continue to do. I try not to think about this too much because there are no easy answers. So for now, I am trying to focus on nurturing our relationship the best I can, supporting her continued therapy with a (non-gender therapist, of course), and praying for a miracle that she will realize the truth before she turns 18.
Randy, I am curious if you have any personal experience on this topic. I would like to understand where you are coming from on this,
I think this terminology is very interesting and sort of shows where the comment is coming from. If I didn’t give my young children food, that would indeed be “denying access” to nutrition. But if I didn’t give them the toys they wanted, I don’t think that would be “denying access” to toys. As parents, we may indeed feel we “owe” our children college or some form of higher education. But being judicious about how this occurs is not, in my view of the view of most, “denying access” to college.
When our children were evaluating their college options, finances and suitability (both of the child and the school) did play a role. Our children wound up going to college when, and where, it made sense for our family unit, taking everyone’s needs into account. We also asked all of our children to assume at least part (a small part, for some of them) of their college costs, by working and taking out personal loans. Now, if we had said to any specific child, “you are not under any circumstances to attend college,” this would have constituted “denying access” to college (although it’s difficult to know how we could have enforced such a mandate on an adult). Not acceding to a child’s every wish and desire hardly constitutes “denying access” (at least outside of that child’s own worldview, which the comment seems to embody).
Fighting, you speak for so many of us. Our 19-year-old daughter is a 4thwavenow stereotype — high-functioning Aspergers, academically gifted, and now on T for the last four months thanks to her university “health center”. We support every Gender Critical Action that we can and are in a (growing) ROGD support group. Where will this end? When will the questioning in the media start? Thank you for telling our story.
Thanks, DaveK. It doesn’t cease to amaze me how eerily similar so many of our stories are, that they are happening in PLAIN SIGHT across schools and college campuses, trained professionals do nothing but affirm this…. while the media does nothing but report one trans cheerleading story after another, portraying this solely as a human-rights- kids-need-to-be-who-they-are-and-us- the-bathroom-of-their-choice-issue. Incredible, isn’t it?
Thank you for sharing your story. Your story is my story. My daughter diagnosed with severe ADHD and ED decided she was transgender at 14. A girly girl until puberty. She also did not fit in socially and everywhere I turned, no one connected the dots.
I too went to a support group for parents and teens. The teens were all natal girls dressed as boys. And all of them had mental health issues according to the parents. When I questioned why there is such a large number of girls experiencing this, the facilitator said ” men come out later”She also said that we grieve because we like dressing girls. Needless to say I never went back. I know I am not alone in my feelings, but I often feel I am.
So thank you again.
Thanks for sharing, Bonnie. I also received many patronizing responses as to why this was so hard for me to accept that my former girly girl was really my son.
And Isn’t it amazing what happens in these “support” groups? No critical discussion allowed and nonsensical explanations for important questions. I thought I was the ONLY one questioning this narrative until I found online support 18 months ago. It is lonely indeed. I wish I had support in real life.
I think part of the problem is the quiet detransitioners. I mentioned my son’s friend that detransitioned (she was boy from freshman to junior year), but this will never get counted in any statistics. Her parents never supported her transition, never bought her a binder and she simply went back to being a girl. My coworker’s daughter also went through a boy phase in high school, now back to girl. My daughter’s best friend just told my daughter she isn’t trans. Just like that. The same girl I spoke to a few months back about why I was anti-trans. I cried when my daughter told me she detransitioned.
None of these girls will be covered by the media or in any statistics. None of these girls were supported in their transition by their parents. They just quietly went from girl to boy to girl. Only the parents will know the trauma of this phase.
I agree with you, Nicole. There are no scientific surveys or statistics that capture what is going on in the present time. But we parents are seeing a rapid transformation with our own eyes…and surely many teachers are witnessing it as well. More and more of us need to speak out and share our observations.
I wish that a curious journalist would spend time analyzing the current school and social media culture that is promoting this craziness. When I share my personal observations about what was going on at my youngest daughter’s school (and my oldest daughter’s college), people think I am exaggerating.
I am a grandmother who never in my wildest dreams thought that I and my family would be living what to me is a nightmare. My granddaughter in her early teens declared out of the blue that she was my grandson and no longer my granddaughter. I was shocked but tried to maintain my composure as she told me her new name. I remember the first time I was finally able to say it as I dropped her off at school one morning. I told myself many times…..I do not understand this, but I will support and love my grandchild and be the best grandmother I can be. I mistakenly believed at the time, based upon what the “professionals” were telling us, that acceptance was crucial for her mental well-being. I now know that is not true. She was and is a victim of the “professionals” who accepted her self-diagnosis without question and recommended a path leading to social transitioning and eventually medical transitioning. In reading the stories from many of you, the similarities are striking. Today, she presents as a man, but thankfully has done nothing irreversible to her body, though it is her plan to have a mastectomy and start testosterone when she is 18. i grieve the loss of my granddaughter every day and I desperately want her back. I am deeply saddened to see the toll it has taken on her mother, my daughter. Yet, I have hope and I believe it is a matter of time until she realizes the truth. I pray that I will live long enough to witness that day.
Thank you for sharing your experiences as a grandmother, Ann. I am so sorry for your pain. I hope your prayers will come true.
While I am mostly worried about Zoe’s future, I am also very concerned about the toll this has taken on my elderly parents and Zoe’s older sister. I wish they did not have to suffer and that I could bear the pain for all of them.
When a child is caught up in this, it impacts the entire family. It feels like our entire world has turned upside down.
Thank you, FightingToGetHerBack. You are brave and your story powerful! You are also obviously a loving parent and have done nothing wrong. You were coerced into parenting out of fear. This is what cults do. They use fear and manipulation to get what they want. A man by the name of Lifton studied prisoners of the Korean War and wrote a book titled Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism. He establishes 8 criteria of cults. They are here : http://csj.org/studyindex/studymindctr/study_mindctr_lifton.htm. Any one try to tell me that every single one of these items is not being met in gender ideology and they will get an earful. It is no. 8, Dispensing of Existence, that we here at 4thwavenow are in the throes of experiencing to various degrees. You are fortunate that your daughter has a bit of time before she reaches the age of 18. I do hope you can get her to a safe place before then. My own daughter was a beautiful, gender conforming, highly gifted college student who NEVER had gender dysphoria or the inkling that she could be a boy. Her freshman year in college was when disaster struck. We did not affirm and pulled back college funding. Voila. She cut us off, dropped out, is on testosterone and dying to amputate her breasts. It seems this age maybe the worst case scenario from the accounts I have read. Our daughters did not decide this for themselves. An ideology has been planted in their brains and they are being controlled. This is not rapid onset gender dysphoria. This is rapid onset cult indoctrination. I would strongly advise against college for any young woman who has the traits like so many on this website – gifted, autistic, socially awkward, those questioning sexual orientation…unique, into the arts … there are others… it is a broad group. Just have your daughters do anything else. It is not safe.
You mention that the gender dysphoria came later and I whole heartedly agree. That term is doing far more harm than good. My daughter ’caught’ gender dysphoria on campus. Cults and social contagions both operate by controlling behaviors, thoughts, and emotions. Throw in the false information of gender ideology and away you go down the transgender rabbit hole.
And another thing – the media knows, the insurance companies know, high school counselors know that a ‘he’ is not a ‘she’ and a ‘she’ is not a ‘he.’ Seriously, they KNOW. Our own insurance company gave us a lame list of research they looked at when the medical board met to establish their criteria for allowing the use of hormones and surgeries. We have provided much more information. They, too are operating out of manipulation and fear. Every single provider in this country most likely supports the Human Rights Campaign. If you do not know what that is, look it up. They are pushers of this ideology and nothing more. The drug companies KNOW. They too support the Human Rights Campaign. They have insidiously infiltrated American life. They are killing our daughters and they KNOW. They are being played for fools and doing a fabulous job of it.
I would encourage a coming out day for the media and the insurance companies – a day where collectively they gather their strength and together they face this fear and tell the truth that they know and stop aiding and abetting the dispensing of our daughter’s (and ours son’s) existences.
It is mainstream America that does not yet know. It is here we can educate people. The more people we inoculate against the indoctrination, the better chances we have for humanity. If everyone knows they too will know not to accept a ‘he’ for a ’she’ or a ’she’ for he’ in high schools or on college campuses. I am very sorry to those individuals truly suffering with gender dysphoria. You do not deserve what this ideology has done to your legitimate diagnosis. Your diagnosis and care should be of concern moving forward. I am doing what I can in the hopes that my own daughter does not have to fully experience medical transition before desisting.
Beyondmad, wow! You made so many important points, I hardly no where to begin.
First off, as with everyone hear, I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is awful pain that most people can’t begin to understand until they feel it personally. Compound it with a society and powerful institutions that seem to be conspiring against us parents, and it is an enormous burden to carry — which it seems most of us are doing anonymously and with little support.
“This is rapid onset cult indoctrination.” Yes, that is absolutely how I feel. My daughter developed this identity when a seed was planted in school. The seed grew as she spent time on the internet, and it was nurtured when she was affirmed by every single adult she met. I, too, see her as cult member.
TBH, I also struggle with using the descriptor “Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria” because in my daughter’s case, the dysphoria did not precede her decide she was transgender; it followed.
As I talk to more and more parents, it seems to me that there are so many subtypes of what we call “transgender” or “ROGD,” and so many pathways to get there that I do worry that the conversation becomes muddy when we are all looking at such different presentations, yet using the same terminology.
Agree with your fingerpointing at the Human Rights Campaign. As a former liberal, I used to view them as the “good guys.” What I have learned over the past 18 months has been eyeopening. I was absolutely appalled when I discovered that HRC actually wrote the guide for transgender care for the American Academy of Pediatrics….Or when I learned that they give Jeff Bezos, owner of the Washington Post, the National Equality Award. It seems clear they are purchasing the complicity and silence of major institutions with money and meaningless honorary awards.
The role of the insurance companies has perplexed me. Our insurance covers both hormones and “gender affirming” surgery, yet denies coverage to us in other areas of basic care. There must be some kind of financial collusion. We REALLY need a brave journalist to do some extensive investigative work. This is all absolutely appalling.
I was also told by child’s ex therapist that it was not my job to discuss medical side effects and risks with her. That was for the doctor and therapist to do. Did they discuss it with her in detail so that they were confidant she understood the choice she was making? I don’t know. Not allowed to know or discuss. Why is it if I am not supportive of my kid like the therapist stated, that she comes to me for virtually every other decision for my advice? I did email that therapist and let her know that I felt she had overstepped many professional boundaries as a therapist . I requested it be placed in her charts. I’m so tired of everyone just rolling their eyes at me when I bring up valid concerns and questions. Oh! You just don’t get it! You need to educate yourself. How did the human race manage to exist for thousands and thousands of years without this education?
I am so sick, sick, sick of these smug professionals who think they know best and dismiss valid and important concerns of parents, treating us like we are imbeciles.
Yes! Sorry I was an ICU transport medic and I carried 70+ different medications and have had enough pharmacology to understand the process. Plus I’ve had pcos and other hormonal problems for over 20 years, I understand what they’re talking about doing. But nobody has ever asked me if I do, it’s weird. Why don’t they try to help us understand? Bs. I’m going to talk to my kids about all medical decisions, it’s crazy to think we shouldn’t.
Thank you for sharing your experience with the transgender madness.I can relate. Several years ago our autistic son announced that he is “trans” after a school presentation on the topic which was full of faux facts and just plain lies. He was shown a movie “documentary” about a Trans identified male which led him to believe he could be a woman. Our experiences with psychologists and counselors was awful. They were all affirming- except for the psychiatrist that had been treating our son for years. I am so thankful for her, because without her voice of reason, we might have been convinced that the only right course of action would be to affirm and go along with his plans to transition. Our son eventually lost interest in being transgender, but it took years. The professionals are failing these kids and young adults. I felt very betrayed by most of them. Some of the hallmarks of Autism are having difficulty judging the motivations of others, social discomfort, inability to fully understand the consequences of their actions, and all or nothing black and white thinking. But sure, lie to them and tell them that sex can be changed and that transitioning will solve their problems. I hope to see many malpractice lawsuits in the future over this. Medical professionals who abandon science and reality to push a social and ideological agenda need to be held accountable for this train wreck.
Dee — I’m so sorry you have experienced this awfulness as well. But very glad it worked out for your son and you had a good psychiatrist who was not afraid to against the popular narrative. It seems so obvious, doesn’t it, that the traits of autism make these kids so vulnerable to false narratives and pseudo-identities.
The silence of the autism community and their leaders astounds me. I have made every effort to reach out to them, share my story, and beg them to use their platforms to raise awareness. Why do they ignore us? It is well-established and not controversial to accept that girls with autism are more likely to develop eating disorders than non-autistic girls. Why can’t they see the same thing is going on with transgender identification?
And why do medical doctors, in the absence of real science and unbiased good longitudinal studies, err on the side of making serious, irreversible, and risky medical interventions? Unsupported, biased, self-serving claims of gender clinicians should NEVER form the basis of medical protocol…as well as the guidelines put forth by all of the medical and psych associations. It is an absolute disgrace.
I too have a son caught up in this nonsense. As many people on there have stated it is a nightmare. I don’t have the words to express how miserable this situation has been for the last year and a half. Our son has begun this transgender story out of the blue. Although not a girl, he has all the typical characteristics of the high functioning ASD kids presenting with ROGD. He is an academic over achiever, socially a misfit, and not into sports. He is obsessed with a female friend who is also heavily into the Anime cartoons. I have heard theses “cartoons” encourage transgender ideology. I too believe that if we had gone through the teen years with him 10 years ago we would not be dealing with this. I believe that someone (not really sure who “they “is) wants kids who are vulnerable and social outcasts to be sucked into the transgender movement. I am exhausted dealing with this. The medical professionals, teachers, and other adults are all pushing this… It is a sad, sick thing.
I am sorry, Yes, it is exhausting and especially frustrating when this is pushed by adults who should know better. Sometimes I get angry with my daughter and think about how much easier my life would be if she would only accept the reality that she is a girl. I have to frequently remind myself that she is a victim and this is not her fault. We are living in warped society that has filled out children’s minds with lies. This would never have spread as it has without the complicity of schools and professionals who should know better.
Dear Missing my Son – Your story, in outline, is my story too. Trans ideology has made my son desperately unhappy and the personality disorder that has developed as he sunk further and further into trans culture has led to him alienating his three siblings (despite their theoretical support for trans ideology). He has become very sick and is now living alone in an air bnb raging against his abusers (i.e. the family who gave him a safe place to take his hormones, try on his female clothes that he never wore because he was not comfortable in them and play his computer games). I am intensely angry with the gender clinicians and desperately worried for my son. This hits mildly autistic intellectual boys very hard. We fight on for the sake of those love.
So sorry, SunMum. We not only have to deal with our own depression and worry for our children (no matter how old they are), but the awful anger we all harbor toward the professional enablers.
Thanks for sharing, you are not alone. I have a very similar story as you and everyone else who has posted. It makes me sad, angry and sick to see so many of us in the same awful boat yet somehow the professionals can’t connect the dots. I thought it was even more ironic today when I heard a news story reporting on a recent celebrity suicide. The expert psychiatrist on the news program said the media had to be careful in how to report these recent suicides because of the social contagion factor, that can happen not just with teens but with adults. Yet when we parents try to argue that are children have been impacted by social contagion we’re dismissed.
Yes! In fact, I made that very same point earlier today on Twitter in response to a tweet on social contagion and responsible reporting.
Similar to the glamorization of suicide, the media deserves a lot of blame as they blindly applaud these “transgender” kids and splash their faces across major news magazines and papers (and of course, creating an entire television series devoted to a poor child who never stood a chance at a normal life).
Social contagion is so obvious. And yet I have had experts tell me that the reason why so many kids are coming out in groups is because it is safe to do so. Safety in numbers! It makes no sense at all. These trans activists and gender docs bend over backwards to create a ridiculous narrative. And yet people believe them! Amazing.
Thank you for sharing. Your daughter and mine have quite a few similarities although my daughter had many friends in school. We were blindsided when she began to transition at university. It happened so quickly. Gone is the fun, easy going young woman, and in her place is a stranger that wants us to forget that she is a girl. We don’t have much of a relationship any longer. Her father and I cannot pretend that she is anything other than a troubled young woman that was taken advantage of by the medical and psychological communities. She is depressed, and now also has thyroid and anxiety issues. I miss her terribly. I worry about her constantly. Keep fighting. You may get her back.
Heartbreaking, Susan. I am so sorry. Yes, I will keep fighting. And even if I don’t get my daughter back, I will keep fighting for others.
Madmom- you are exactly right! These industries do know! How could they not? My daughters dysphoria came after socially transitioning as well. I believe it was taught to her by the internet and her group of friends who are also now “boys”. My beautiful loving healthy daughter was taught to hate her healthy body and her femaleness. it is heartbreaking to watch someone who you love deeply harm and hate their healthy body. I don’t know what the future holds for my child but I do really believe that eventually society will begin to see how regressive and harmful trans ideology is. I also have hope that more and more of these young people will mature and start to question did they really need to do this to be happy. Hopefully they will find support and their voices will no longer be ignored.
I agree that one day society will see this for what it is, and that our kids will as well. An industry and a belief system built on lies cannot sustain itself forever. I hope that day comes soon!
It can’t come soon enough. I’m about to give up hope.
This is heartbreaking. I am wondering if any parents of girls who want to be guys have asked their daughters exactly what their definition of “female” is?
To me, the entire transmovement is total misogyny. It basically states that being a woman is all about shallow vanity, make-up, and fashion choices.
I really want to know why today’s youth thinks being a female is all about wearing dresses. How the hell did this happen? I grew up on Free to Be You and Me and thought I could be anything as a woman. If I wanted to wear dresses, great, if not, I didn’t have to.
Now our kids think that being female is about make-up and hairdos. WHAT HAPPENED??
Is this transtrend thanks to reality TV and Kim Kardashian? That if you are female you need to wear slinky clothes and post nudes of rear end on Instagram?
What do these girls think being a woman is anyway? I really want to know.
I know my daughter and her friend think that. It boggles my mind, as a Free to be kid, licensed engineer, barely any makeup, no dress wearing female. I have told her and her friend, they need to stay on the girl team to represent all women. However, I guess Hollywood and their portrayal of women speaks a lot louder than this Mom. Even the badass superheroes wear skimpy, sexually revealing clothing (think Wonder Woman, Game of Thrones, etc….). As “progressive” as Hollywood appears, they are still treating women as objects.
When my daughter was growing up there was so much emphasis on disney princesses, barbi, american girl dolls she was into all of this and i think its backlash
I want to know too, Katya, and agree with you 100%, Nicole. It seems there are so many factors are at play here. Hypersexualization of women that starts at a very young age is one of many. Just walk through the clothing departments in the girls section or watch music videos or Instagram accounts. This stuff is poisoning our daughters’ minds from a very young age. It is so regressive and disempowering.
Yes, the porn culture is very toxic and not the “empowerment” a lot of those 3rd wave lipstick feminists claimed it was going to be in the 90s.
I’m struck by how kids today are so hyperfocused on “expression” via their bodies. They claim they don’t want to be shackled by biology, but ultimately, when they talk about “expressing” their “authentic” selves it’s all about the body.
Today, if you want be “authentic” and “express” yourself, you can’t just do it via writing, or art, or music, or dance, or some sort of creative outlet that would actually perhaps give something back to the world.
Instead, it’s all about modifying your body to fit your supposed “authenticity,” when in reality, it’s just conforming to gender stereotypes as well as fashion trends. If you’re a young “non-binary” (biological female) who thinks you are somehow being authentic with your short haircut, “problem glasses,” septum nose piercing, button down shirt, and gauge earrings, you are not.
You are just another trendy young hipster trying to prove you are a non-comformist with your utter, bland conformity.
I’m specifically speaking about the young “non-binary” woman named “Ash” who thought she was a champion of human rights for writing a letter to her boss to get permission to wear her “non-conforming” non-binary uniform at work, complete with said generic piercings.
Oh, she’s also chopped off her own breasts, how progressive!
Ash, if you’d put on a rainbow colored Star Wars outfit with Princess Leia hair buns and insisted on carrying a lightsaber, I’d have more respect for you, at least you are really being “out there.”
Yes, the trans-identifying girls practically wear a uniform. I can spot them a mile away.
Lots of good points, Katya, including the impact of 3rd wave feminism in providing the basis for much of the problem our kids have today. I, too, have noticed with amusement how so many kids have adopted a conforming “non-conformist” look. Just one of many examples of why this regressive “progressive” movement makes no sense.
It is beginnning to feel like a dystopian nightmare where non-conforming children, autistic children are being engineered out of existence.
An excellent point about desisters not being recorded because they hadn’t come into contact with “the profession”. They are the lucky ones!
Yes, I think that once a trans-identifying child comes in contact with a gender “expert,” the odds of desisting dramatically increase. Therefore, any statistics collected by gender “experts” are already biased by virtue of their influence.
Reblogged this on Expose Sex Ed Now! and commented:
Thank you for this. I hope this helps you and many other parents.
Thank you for spreading the word. I hope it will increase awareness and encourage other parents to speak out against school indoctrination.
And this is why us teachers don’t speak out: http://fox40.com/2018/06/12/teacher-says-he-was-forced-to-resign-after-refusing-to-call-transgender-student-by-preferred-name/
I understand the difficulty in speaking out in a professional capacity. However, I do think it is possible to raise concerns in other ways. For example, if you are a classroom teacher and you notice several kids suddenly thinking they are the opposite sex, you could privately email other teachers/admins and just ask questions. Perhaps a simple email like this:
“I’ve been observing that several students in my class are identifying as the opposite sex and want to be called by a different name. Is anyone observing this? I want to be emotionally support all of my students, but I am concerned that this might be a trend with consequences. Does anyone else share these concerns?”
In other words, teachers don’t have to take a firm stand like the Indiana teacher, but they can simply ask questions to encourage others to think more critically. Perhaps they will learn that other teachers share their concerns and they could create a momentum to speak out collectively and safely.
I would suggest the same approach in other professions — especially MDs and therapists.
I know a number of us have asked repeatedly (indeed in these very comments) where mainstream media (media that is not alt.right) is on covering this story and the magnitude of what is going on. Interestingly, Kaiser Health News (KNH), which is pretty middle of the road, featured some news coverage recently that at least raises the question of whether social/medical transition of children is an appropriate therapeutic response or doing a disservice to children/teens. At least this was something. Worth a glance at their articles and coverage from the May 24, 2018 issue. They do a at least mention research that is otherwise ignored and they speak to the real possibility of desistance. I felt a bit more hopeful after reading these. See: https://www.kqed.org/futureofyou/441784/the-controversial-research-on-desistance-in-transgender-youth And also: https://khn.org/morning-breakout/research-on-children-growing-out-of-gender-dysphoria-adds-layer-of-complexity-to-transgender-care/
Thank you very much for drawing our attention to this coverage.
Yes, thanks for linking to these articles. We need many more!!
Thanks for the epic story and sorry for the anguish, frustration and pain. It is interesting how most everyone here has a story that is a variation on a theme.
My daughter started testosterone a year ago. It has been a challenging road for my wife and I and it is not over. As parents we navigate the world trusting certain professions and institutions – police officers, school principals, swim coaches, doctors and therapists. I think it is safe to say that it is best to not trust anyone, no matter what authority they claim. There are many people interested in abusing or laying claim to having influenced your child especially when your child is precocious.
I have no respect for the mental health profession or the DSM 5. Psychology has become an exercise in confirming and feeling good about your “personal narrative” which is then seen as the only truth. We all have very imaginative children who love having a cool, edgy “personal narrative” – for now. Never let you kid see a shrink alone or at all. Better yet, simply take you kid for a walk and talk about things on a regular basis. I wish I had known that a few years ago.
It is safe to say that this epidemic is the cause of a perfect storm – transgender activists, the smart phone and less real human and family interactions, flawed DSM 5 guidelines, naive schools, the pharmaceutical industry, terrible protocols in the mental health field and lastly social media. Social media has the ability to be extremely toxic and this is but one instance of that toxicity.
Take care everyone.
I would argue that schools are intentionally being deceptive. I’m sure they think they’re correct and doing something good in the long run, but it’s lying in the short term.
I am so sorry for your daughter, Paul, and I certainly share your anger. When our children have been victimized, it is impossible not to be outraged at the professionals that we are supposed to trust.
I also agree serious flaws with the DSM. Here is an interesting read: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/05/the-real-problems-with-psychiatry/275371/
You rightly point out that this a perfect storm of many factors, which is what makes this issue so profoundly difficult to talk about, understand, and responsibly treat.
My kid the other day said that all the people who used to make fun of her in junior high are now saying “oh my god! You are so hot!”. That broke my damn heart! So because she didn’t do girl the way peers and media dictate she should inject something into her healthy body that may cause major health problems? How is that good?? I have always told my kid that she is beautiful and the best kind of girl. Somehow that is non supportive according to professionals. I’m with you Paul! The mental health profession can fall off the face of the earth for all I care! I think the world might be better off if it died as a profession.
Yes, Awakened, how did transitioning become a fashion? How did injecting testosterone become viewed by some teens as no more invasive or dangerous than a body piercing or tattoo? How did teen transitioners become online celebrities? Why did this happen…and how did it happen so quickly?
I see these girls on social media who are, I mean were, cute girls, just normal girls, and then they do the FTM thing and become heartthrob boys attracting the girls.
How messed up is this?
This defies words. I can not understand the appeal and attraction of trying to be the other sex. How sad for everyone involved. My nice looking, well built, extremely bright son is pretending to be a girl. My heart breaks and my mind screams what is going on?? Why can’t we just agree that someone can be the sex they are born biologically any way they want to? Wouldn’t that be easier and healthier for everyone. I keep hearing there is no differences between male and female. Then why the need to change so drastically to be the other? This is a big contradiction.
I think as a profession most therapists and psychiatrists are clueless to what is happening with teens today. The amount of kids (especially girls) that are on psychiatric mess for depression and anxiety is astounding to me. Are they better for it? I don’t really think so. They are told their brains are chemically imbalanced or in the case of trans their body and brain are mismatched. All the answers rely on medication or surgery. None of this teaches coping mechanisms or resilience. The media backed by mental health professionals and pharma have created an epidemic. Time will tell if these kids remain happy with their decision to medically transition. I don’t have much faith because to me it is adding more trauma to already vulnerable young people. It is very frustrating to have to explain over and over to therapists these concerns only to have them completely dismissed or to downright be abusive to me as a loving parent. I care about my child’s health!!! Does that make me stupid or evil?!?
I agree, Awakened. I doubt many therapists understand how pervasive the trans culture is among young people — both in school and online.
And I agree that the common approach to treating young people is not to examine them in a social context, but to assume the source of their discomfort is endogenous. Just as with sudden trans identification, so many psychological issues are often fueled by a child’s environment. This should be common sense. But of course, there’s more money to be made when problems are medicalized.
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Thank you for sharing your story. My 15 year old daughter started trans-identifying at age 14. I NEVER imagined that we would be in this position! This announcement came out of the clear blue after a period of intense social media use. Her best friend and best friend’s sister also trans-identified at the same time. It seems like she is completely brainwashed and thinks hormones/surgery happen with the wave of a magic wand. She has no idea of the reality of it. In her mind, everything in her life will be completely perfect once she transitions. There is absolutely no reasoning with her. And she is an extremely smart kid. Any attempt to reason is met with the response of “why do you hate me?” People need to know that this is serious! This is not a cute little exploratory thing that my daughter is doing! It’s got a hold on her in a way that I can’t put words to. I fear for her future. It’s tragic.
It’s always these 14 and 15 year olds. I mean, not always, but those seem to be big ages for female self-loathing, anxiety/depression, and vulnerability to a way out, an explanation for why they feel weird/wrong.
The truth that virtually ALL young adolescent females feel weird/wrong has apparently disappeared from public discourse completely.
Scaredmom, my story is just like yours, except I have a son who announced his desire to be a girl out of the blue..at age 15.. Like you I also never thought I would be in this position. I raised 2 other kids into adulthood, A daughter and another son. We had usual teen problems but nothing like this. BTW both of these older kids are college grads. So they have been very well indoctrinated by high school and college propaganda regarding gender being a “social construct” and the right to” choose your gender” at any point in your life. I have to avoid discussing this with my older kids because it just adds to my intense pain over what their younger brother is putting me through. My son is Asperger’s I have done a lot of research (including this site) indicating that gender confusion and dysphoria can be common in the teen years for these kids. I believe if we were raising him 10 years ago this transgender problem would not be occurring. His teen years may have been tough. They are for lots of kids..esp if you have trouble fitting in with your peers. But since this trend of changing gender is all over the place now he is choosing this path. As you say it is not a cute little stage. It is very sad. This morning he left for his summer job at school..he’s 17 now. My tall, big boned son was wearing nail polish, a girls scoop neck tee shirt, and girl tight pants. His hair is down his back, It breaks my heart.
Our stories are all so similar: very smart girls that are so brainwashed by the narrative that they were born in the wrong body and that medical transition will take all of their problems away.
I agree with you, scaredmom, that it is very difficult to describe to people have not experienced this with their own children. Many people think our teens are going through a harmless exploratory phase, or a fad like dressing differently and trying to fit in and figure out who they are. People just don’t get that this is like brainwashing with the possible disastrous consequence of medically treating something which we know with our own two eyes is a socially fueled psychological phenomenon.
What is making this even more difficult is the role of the media. Just yesterday, The Atlantic bravely published a story about the topic. Many sides of this controversy were considered. And yet, the backlash from those who want to blindly affirm a child’s sudden transgender identity, without even DISCUSSING underlying issues, is astounding. https://twitter.com/TheAtlantic/status/1008670183345590272
the ranting doesn’t matter; I know the mag was expecting it, given the prior writing history of jesse singal. Fact remains: They ran with it.
We had plenty of ranting on our side when Nat Geo came out with their transkid manifesto article a while back. With good reason. Nevertheless — the fact that a major mainstream media outlet published this in this day/age is a good thing. They’re not going to take it back, and hopefully they are not going to grovel in the manner of “oh forgive us, for we have sinned….”
Thank you for sharing this. Though my daughter does not suffer from ASD, she too abruptly came out with the “I am a really a boy” nonsense right after her 14th birthday and right after puberty set in. Never had she ever showed any signs of leaning that way (if you want to base that on stereotypical male/female behaviors). Her doctor and the nurse pracs we see didn’t buy it, her psychiatrist doesn’t but it (her reason is “I don’t look like other girls”) but once they get that idea in their head it’s awful. She is more stubborn than I was at that age and that is saying something. So we are going on a year now and she has a boyfriend who is gay and treats her as a gay boy. Sometimes I have to second guess myself…am I really in this world? Thank God for this website and the support. Though I hate to say it, we are all in this together.
Yes, we are all in this together. My daughter thinks she is a gay man as well. This stuff is so nuts. Don’t understand why most of the gay community does not see it,
This is a fascinating discussion. I am a lesbian in the SF Bay area and I can tell you that the issue is driving a wedge between many in my so-called community. We are discussing the erasure of the lesbian identity when girls are encouraged to transition in pre-puberty.
The question of what happens to people who are on heavy hormones for their entire lives, what happens to children who have transitioned prior to puberty, what will be the future for post operative FTMs who have no functional penis—these are not answered and cannot be answered by the medical world yet, in many cases. I and many others object to the ‘cis’ term and are concerned that changing a biological certainty to a so-called fluidity will increase the trend toward mental instability. This is chemical neutering. There has been violence from trans-activists toward lesbians questioning their aggressive political stance.
I am truly concerned that the fragmentation of our social system and the loss of structure will result in increased mental illness. The arrogance of the medical establishment combined with the political assertions / social rhetoric of the left leaves parents with nowhere to turn.
There is a social and political ideology that accompanies all of this and it is created using something called ‘third order change.’ When everything seems crazy this is actually the goal. Total disruption of the existing order. There is a goal to create The New Man. If you’d like to know more please take a look at my website blog. I have lectured all across the US and in Europe on the larger picture which is UN Agenda 21, the agenda for the 21st century. This is not a conspiracy theory; it is an actual plan. If you look at wikipedia you’ll be manipulated. Please, you are no stranger to this kind of manipulation—it is the same thing you’ve seen in the trans movement. You’ll have a deeper understanding if you can get a larger view.
Here’s one article https://www.democratsagainstunagenda21.com/the-way-we-see-itour-blog/the-new-man-2015-and-beyond
All the best to you,
Rosa Koire
DemocratsAgainstUNAgenda21.com
Hope you will continue speaking out. Thanks!
I feel like I am living the same story. Super high-functioning autistic daughter, feminine and comfortable in her body throughout her childhood, but never fitted in with other kids, was made to feel “different” and “other” by her peers, decides at 15 that she’s a boy. A boy who, by the way, still wants to wear dresses half the time, but also insists on being called by a male name and wants to be introduced as my “son.” Yesterday she gave me a hard time for not buying her a chest-binder. or putting her on “T” which, she’s been led to believe, has no permanent effects.
I have told her what I believe, which is that she has some psychological conflicts and issues, and that her gender identity (let alone “resolving” it through drugs or surgery) is not central to any of them. She actually even agrees with this. I’ve seen her other “trans” friends go through this, including one whose parents allowed her to have a double mastectomy at 18! S/he seems every bit as depressed as before.
My question is, how much do you give to make your child happy in the short run. Do I introduce her to people by her male name? Buy her a chest binder (are those even safe?)? Or do I just refuse to do any of it and take the position that, against all of these ideological forces and messages, I know who she really is?
Obviously, every parent needs to answer this question based on their own family. Though I suspect we are all in a pretty similar boat in terms of what we accept.
I have chosen to “accept” anything non-permanent. Well, except the name changing and pronouns, because I am holding a firm line on my daughter’s DNA as defining her actual gender. My daughter can buy boy clothes and cut her hair. No chest binders (yes, they do cause damage), but I do buy her sports bras in lieu of traditional bras. My point to my daughter is her outward expression doesn’t need to be narrowly defined by society and their definition of female/male.
I have gone the sports bra route thus far, although it has not been a popular move. I did not know that chest binders caused actual damage and will look into the kind of damage they cause (it does not surprise me) because I would share that information with her. She seems to have no idea that ANY of these things can have permanent effects. I especially like your final point though, because this seems to be part of the whole ideology, doesn’t it? That society should not define how we express our gender.
I would recommend holding firm on the binder. Beyond the possibility of medical damage is the psychological impact of wearing one. My daughter had no problem with her breasts UNTIL she started wearing the binder. Now she thinks she cannot face the world without it. Once they start, how can they learn to accept their bodies? Once they start, it becomes harder to stop. It becomes a part of who they think they are. It makes going to the next step, a double mastectomy, that much easier. Read this blog piece:https://lilymaynard.wordpress.com/2017/10/28/im-feeling-ecstatic-and-scared-and-mums-feeling-sick-young-women-binding/
I agree with allowing any kind of gender non-conforming expression as long as it is not harmful (eg., hair, clothes). For name change, I would encourage the use of a nickname related to the legal name. IMO, a dramatic name change is like rewriting your personal history. Also, if your child (hopefully) desists, this makes going back much, much easier.
I stupidly said yes to a binder 3 years ago. Can’t get my kid out of it to this day. Kid knows they’re bad for you, knows a sports bra would give same aesthetic effect. Kid does not care.
Do not support the binder.
https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/observations/patients-reflect-on-life-with-a-common-brain-malformation/
…and the REAL problem is, some conditions can take YEARS to manifest themselves. This lie. This LGBTQ sponsored trans-cult contagion lie…is using social media’s horrible representation of normalcy, sexuality, and the lie of gender fluidity to destroy any chance of a young man or young lady getting exposed to positive affirmation of who they truly are and/or getting help they may need to develop outside of the normal constructs of learning and society. Quite frankly, it’s derailing them into a useless and dangerous cult of playing games with their identity. It is simply a social media cult. The problem is if you go to these Facebook sites – you’ll find there is truly the greatest support for “escalation”. In other words, if you want to be liked [get your “friend points up”] you’ve got to keep moving forward. There is no alternative. There is no going back. There are derogatory terms for those comfortable in their skin.
It’s a fucking nightmare.
My daughter was just diagnosed with a small ‘corpus callosum’ – which is the connective goo between the left and right hemispheres of the brain. Very high functioning in writing and language, but way below average in function/process understanding. All of the side effects of this could easily explain her problems connecting socially. In addition. people with this condition ‘build new paths in the brain’ and continue to be high-functioning and evolve. What a waste of a life to assault daughters like mine with the idea that just because she isn’t like other girls…she definitely is a boy, or something in between. What a stupid, disgusting, and juvenile concept to be supported by actual people in authority in this county.
I hated Trump. Still kinda do. My plan now is to vote for ANY politician that loathes the LGBTQ movement. Quite frankly, I don’t care if they are the biggest Christian gun loving racist nutbag on the planet. If they are anti-LGBTQ- then that is my candidate. I’ll love who needs to be loved in society and fight for everybody to make up for it, but if it takes an A-bomb loose screw conservative psycho politician at the top to root out this insanity, then so be it.
We know the term transgender is a lie. We know the trans-cult movement is just that – a social media contagion. How many young ladies lives are going to be destroyed by it before the tide turns?
We use a nickname and my daughter just told me she hates it and doesn’t want to live Bc we don’t accept her for the boy that she is. We’ve done all but changed pronouns and nickname. I’m at a loss as to where to go from here.
Oh honey. My heart goes out to you. Have you tried getting her to choose a nickname? We tried with our daughter and all she wanted was “Jason”. She is an artist and as an artist decided (just two days ago) to use nickname which is the name of an animal which is gender neutral, and so I am hoping we can transition into using that nickname for her. Every name I suggested she hated. Then she started talking about self-harm. It is all too much at times. I feel your pain. Sorry, I have no answers and only wanted to say you are not alone (not that that helps much). Try and stay strong.
@perezmomof6 – Mom, sorry to hear of your struggles. Every situation is different, but when my 18 [going on 12 socially] daughter mentioned suicide, I spent the next 2 days going through every piece of writing, and digital correspondence while she was away. Watched every YouTube video she’d watched. Determined the “T” [you’re welcome] cult movement loves the word suicide.
So day 3 I addressed it and forced her into the uncomfortable position of making the decision to escalate to an emergency counseling meeting. Which she did, but you could tell it was uncomfortable for her – not depressing/sad – just anxiety. Once at the counselors she had the choice to be admitted to the hospital for 72 hours as an adult or relent – and she was not able to detail how she’d take her own life – and relented.
Afterwards, in the following weeks I began talking to her. During those talks I told her that I am no doctor, no psychiatrist, so if she really thought her life was so bad she wanted to die – she needed to admit herself to the hospital. I also told her if she was gone…I’d miss her.
We have not relented at this point. There is NO recognition of transgender as being real. She is still actively pursuing the “online friendships” and ‘talking’ about the escalation [face it – friends and escalation to get more LIKES – is the horrifying truth of this cult that sucks in kids who are socially stunted or feeling outcast] – but in reality she is not unhappy – just simply a smart girl with low ’emotional intelligence’ trying to evolve.
It’s tough for kids to evolve in a the Internet age. This evil trans-cult contagion, like other cults before it – needs membership. They are easy to find. They are easy to train. The ‘world’ of media is giving them a representative group of unattached adults and celebrities to tell them it’s the right thing…
It’s a dismal tide.
https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/m/8942981a-f807-37e0-9ecc-6485a9b1edd5/ss_transgenderism-is-just-big.html
Excellent article. Thanks for posting!
Thank you for this story! Althoug I´m from Scandinavia, I see so many similarities with me and my daughter, where health professionals are trying to scare me into submission and silence. At the same time, my daughters health is deteriorating. She has never been so depressed and filled with anxiety as now, when she lives as “his true self”, including testosterone injections. My gut feeling is screaming to me that my child (although 19 years old) is in need of help to get out of her depression, but this help is NOT spelled gender change!
I am so sorry, vettigamorsen. I hope you can find help for both you and your daughter. It is so horrible that health professionals are doing this to our children. Professionals should understand that even legal adults have brains that are not fully developed until 25-30 years of age, and often have underlying issues that must be addressed.
So in the period of 4 days my 12-year old daughter “came out” to us as progressively 1. gay then 2. bi-sexual then 3. pan-sexual then 4. non-binary (had to look that one up) and ultimately 5. trans-gender “needing” to transition.
She has ASD, social confusion and never fitted in with others. No signs of ever “being” a boy trapped in a girl’s body. In fact, she has been very girly (dresses, high heels, make up, jewelry – none of it driven by me as I am more plain and not into that much).
Thank you for this article and your comments. I am alarmed that any parent who does not “affirm” is cast as a villain (by both the child and medical “professionals”). Has anyone had any luck in maintaining their relationship with their child through this nightmare? What do you suggest to be supportive and help them find their true identity, without going through the ridiculous (and obviously inappropriate) “affirming”, which seems to me only re-inforces as social construct and brain-washes them further.
Thank you for comments above about binders! I went to the psychologist with my daughter and was disgusted and alarmed when she mentioned a binder and he said “that sounds really sensible” WTF! NO!
I am going to see the psychologist today with my husband and mum and lay down some ground rules about his interaction with my daughter on this issue, and quizz him on his knowledge of RODG, and whether his process is simply affirmation (and if so, my child will not be seeing that guy again).
I have been struggling with the issue of name, and love the suggestion above about masuclinising her existing name. Calling her “Jason” (her preference right now) seems too drastic and totally nuts to me. But I can see using her given name as a basis for a boyish nickname as something I am comfortable with.
As for pronouns … what are your views? I worry that this will entrench this external construct that she is a boy inside. I have a hunch that, like a binder, it will become so much part of her identity that she won’t be able to let it go
Ironically, she keeps saying that she wants others to see her as male (and has not really said she sees herself as male – I think she thinks that will happen if she transitions with hormonal treatment).
* PLEASE HELP * Please share anything you did / are doing that helped your child understand your love for them even though you had to put your foot down. Where did you draw the line? What was the best (and worst) thing you did in your relationship with your child to get through this. And have any of you got the other side whether they have gone back to their birth gender identity?
Mama Bear – Consider yourself very lucky that you found this site so early after your daughter’s announcement. I wish so much I had information like this when my daughter started this over three years ago. Please learn from my many mistakes.
First, be very careful about the therapist you allow your daughter to see. Even those that are not active gender therapists can do more harm than good. In an earlier comment, I posted a link to some excellent advice by Sasha Ayad on how to select a good therapist when dealing with gender issues. Please read this! You also might wish to set up a session with her InspiredTeenTherapy.com or sign up for her free newsletter. Bad therapy is much worse than no therapy. What you will also learn very quickly is most parents on 4thWaveNow know much more than professional therapists about this topic. So you should be able to find better advice here than if you were to ask an “expert.”
Do not do ANYTHING that supports the idea your daughter is really a boy. Whether clothes and hairstyles are masculine or feminine — who cares! These are fashion choices based on stereotypes. Pronouns are not. Pronouns have meaning. Think about how difficult it will be for your daughter if she changes her mind. So if you agree to a nickname, so much easier to use a variation of her birthname, or an initial. I was convinced by the gender therapist to agree to my daughter’s chosen name. Such a big mistake. Now, when she hears her birth name she freaks out. So my husband and I call her nothing but “sweetie” and “honey.”
My daughter is still in the thick of this, so any advice I can offer is not based on my success. But I will say that as much as you can, eliminate things in her life that reinforce the trans narrative (internet/phone use is a big one) and get her out into nature and the real world as much as possible. Open up her perspective on life. Nurture your relationship in as many ways as you can. Speak the truth to her, but do it in love. Know that her pain and angst is real, but that with proper tools and support, you will both get through this.
There are stories on 4thWaveNow of parents and kids who have desisted. Read them and learn from them. The comments that appear after each story can also be very helpful. Join Twitter if you haven’t done this already. (You can follow me: FightingToGetHerBack). Many of the people I follow there are detransitioners or parents of kids who have desisted. I learn a lot from them…and they continue to give me hope and support.
Thank you, FightingToGetHerBack – I have to much to learn. You have given me a good starting place
As I read your website, I am very much appalled at the sheer ignorance displayed by medical professionals.
The risks of medical procedures are not clearly outlined or discussed. The reversibility of procedures is not given enough thought.
I have come to believe that the prior ‘gatekeeper’-ism (which lead to individuals for which transitioning was really indicated to be rejected) has been switched with an all-encompassing acceptance resulting in horrendous false positives.
Furthermore, consider the motivation of the parties involved. Surgeons advocate for surgery due to its profitability. Gatekeeper-selected trans activists (for whom transition was the correct choice) argue for an opening and better acceptance of trans* people, mostly due to their own path being so fraud with opposition. Consequently, we arrive at today’s lack of filtering, leading to the admission of non-trans individuals.
Especially, I find that not enough care is given to the individual patient’s circumstances. Co-morbidities must be well controlled before you start performing irreversible changes.
Fundamentally, medical procedures can only affect primary and secondary sexual characteristics. Surgical outcomes vary. The question the patient really needs to ask themselves: Ceteris paribus, do I prefer the sexual characteristics opposite to my natal sex?
This is such a fundamental question! On its answer hinges the whole necessity of medical intervention!
And even if you answer ‘yes’ with conviction and stability, you need to consider the potentially disastrous consequences. What are the long term consequences of HRT? What if you die ten years earlier because of this decision? What if the surgeon makes a mistake, or you have other complications — scarring, infection, necrosis, …? In reality, we do not wave a magic wand and your body changes to match your conceptions of self (despite all my wishes to the contrary).
These glaring questions gave me pause for years. At 18, I was sure I am a woman. Yet, I waited till 25 for medical intervention! I did this of my own free decision (monetary / parental / social considerations were never a concern).
I believe my hesitation was well-founded. After all, you are making a life-altering decision! I eventually decided on going through with it. Do I regret my hesitation ex-post? Somewhat. Would I have regretted making the wrong decision (e.g., horrendous surgical outcome)? Immensely. Hence, ex-ante it was the optimal choice to hesitate!
Besides sexual characteristics, a convincing masculine or feminine presentation can be achieved by either sex. Clothing, legal and social recognition should not be a reason for medical intervention. Hormones or surgery cannot solve unrelated social or psychological problems. These must be solved on their own terms. I realize incongruent sexual characteristics can cause much distress. Yet, especially in the case of children, you really need to dig down what the prime motivation for transitioning is. Are they disgusted with their body’s sexual characteristics, or are they seeing transitioning as a solution to a totally unrelated problem (e.g., being a social misfit)?
If you just want to be an effeminate man or a masculine woman, be that. If you want a different name, use it (it’s just a label!).
Having exhausted all of the above, consider very carefully whether medical intervention is necessary. Especially consider what happens post transition! Transition is not a purpose onto itself. Reality is not a fairytale. Each of us only has this one body.
— Stefanie, a transwoman from Germany
Wow, Stefanie. THANK YOU, for your open, honest and well-considered comments. You are an inspiration. I am the mother of a 12-year old with gender confusion. They may or may not be trans-gender. They don’t know and we don’t know. I am at the beginning of this journey and your comments are really helping me with my aim of being a truly open, loving, supporting mother, who ensures that all of her children have the freedom to reach their amazing potential no matter what, and not to be locked or swayed into any particular identity for any reason other than that is truly who they are. You have raised some points that I did not think of before and for that I am very grateful. Thank you.
Thank you, Stefanie, for sharing your personal insightss. I really appreciate your concerns with the medical industry and recommendation to delay medical treatment as long as possible.
What many of us parents are seeing with our kids today is that they do not develop these feelings of discomfort endogenously, but rather, they are acquired through social influences and then internalized. I view this as very different than the personal experiences of adults like you who grew up at a time without the direct and insidious influence of school indoctrination, peer influences, and the internet culture.
In other words, this is a very different presentation than what was seen years ago. This is a socially created psychic phenomenon that makes no sense to treat medically, regardless of age.
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