Waiting

Posted on August 6, 2019 by 4thwavenow

155

Lisa Marchiano is a writer and therapist in private practice.She has been in contact with hundreds of parents of trans-identifying young people.You can find her on Twitter @LisaMarchiano. Lisa creates monthly audio content on Patreon for parents of gender-questioning youth.

by Lisa Marchiano

Say you’re a mom.

Maybe you’re also a lawyer. Or a doctor or nurse. A biochemical engineering professor at a research university. Or maybe you’re just a mom. You never wanted kids, or you always knew you wanted them, but when they got here, your life was turned upside down. They became the thing that mattered above all else. You had a baby girl. You chose her name carefully. Maybe something traditional, with a family connection. Maybe something unusual, to communicate how special you knew she would be. You adored her.

You nursed her on demand, carefully attending to her cues. For two years running, you didn’t sleep eight hours straight. She was colicky, or she wasn’t. Maybe she had inexplicable crying jags after you nursed. No one believed you that anything was wrong. Your pediatrician was dismissive, but somehow you knew. So you researched it. You read articles and asked questions of other moms. And you watched her. You paid close attention to what happened whenever she nursed, the way she pulled off the breast and arched her back and wailed. It turned out that she was allergic to the dairy in your breast milk. There was a test that proved it. So you gave up dairy, and things got better. For the next two years, you ate no milk, no yogurt, no ice cream. You made your own baby food. You bought only organic.

Maybe she had serious medical issues right from the beginning. Maybe she was a preemie, or had a rare disease. Or maybe it all went smoothly. She spoke her first words. She walked. You delighted in her smiles, talked to her, sang to her. You were diligent and attentive, reading research about infant-parent attachment. You wore her in a sling. You co-slept with her. Or you didn’t and she slept in a crib.

As she grew, you learned the intricacies of each cry. You struggled to understand what she needed, and to do your best to provide it. You knew she had a fever before the thermometer registered it. When she vomited for eight hours, you wondered if you should take her to the emergency room. Your husband said you were overreacting but something didn’t feel right. You insisted on taking her. She was admitted for dehydration.

You bought educational toys. You read to her extensively because you knew the research about language development and how important parental interaction is. When it came time to send her to pre-school, you chose carefully. You read the reviews, talked to other moms.

You didn’t care about your daughter being girly. You didn’t paint the nursery pink. You never pierced her ears or put a headband on her when she was a baby so everyone would know she was a girl. You were proud she liked dinosaurs. You made sure she knew that girls could do anything and be anything they wanted.

Maybe your husband was a great dad. She adored him and he adored her. Or maybe he wasn’t in the picture. There had been a divorce. Maybe he was angry, or even violent. Maybe he was just passive. Whatever the case, your top priority was your daughter. You wanted her to have a good relationship with her dad.

By the time she was five, you knew she was a little different from other kids. She was more intense. She would read chapter books at lightning speed. Teachers loved her. They always gushed about how bright she was. Or, they disliked her. She could be difficult, moody. Maybe she had tantrums, or had difficulty reading social cues. She could be disruptive, with her passionate feelings about things.

You taught her to eat well. You wanted her to be healthy, and to take good care of her body. If she was a little heavy, you gently encouraged her to be more active without shaming her or drawing attention to her weight. You knew the dangers of eating disorders. You bought organic meat, or at least the kind raised without hormones. You limited refined carbohydrates and processed sugar. Sodas were not allowed in your house. You were careful about what she put into her body.

She obsessed over bugs. Or ballet. She was tall and lithe – a dancer’s body. She went on pointe a year early. Or she was always heavy. Kids teased her. She was happiest playing at the creek with the boys next door. She was a talented singer. When music played, she saw colors. Or she played ice hockey. You watched her grow and were proud. She was the most important thing.

She was a girly girl who always wanted to wear dresses and loved the “gown” she got to wear at her cousin’s wedding. Or she was a tomboy who wouldn’t wear a dress even at her kindergarten graduation. You didn’t mind at all. You admired her fierce, independent spirit.

When she seemed to struggle with reading in the third grade, you sensed something wasn’t quite right. You did hours of research on the internet. Why was your bright child struggling? Teachers said you were being ridiculous to suspect anything. They implied you were one of those moms. She was just lazy and needed to apply herself. Had you considered putting her on medication for ADHD? She’d always been a classroom management challenge. But you knew. You believed in yourself – that you knew your daughter better than anyone. You weren’t going to shame her or give her unnecessary drugs. You found the top specialists. You got the learning disability diagnosed. You paid thousands of dollars for specialized tutoring to remediate the difficulty, and the struggles ceased. You were relieved and proud of yourself that you listened to your gut.

Then puberty hit. She withdrew. You didn’t understand at first. She spent more time in her room. She was moody and distant. You listened outside her door. Was she okay in there? You knew she needed more independence. You gave her some space, but you were vigilant, watchful. You did what you could to know her friends. You talked to her teachers.

You gave her a smartphone for her 12^th birthday. This was how kids communicated, how they stayed in touch. Not having one would make it difficult for her to have friends. She kept her computer in her room, and sometimes you discovered her on it in the middle of the night. You worried about how much time she was spending online, but this was what kids did. And she needed it – all of her homework was done online.

She went to public school. Or private school. A small, progressive school for the gifted. The teachers had face piercings and were called by their first names. Or maybe you homeschooled. You allowed her to follow her own lead, crafted a custom curriculum that reflected her unique gifts and challenges.

She became more withdrawn. She stopped talking to you. Maybe she gained weight. Or lost weight. Or started cutting. You saw the marks on her arm. You didn’t hesitate. You found a therapist. She had depression and anxiety. Maybe talking to someone would help.

Or maybe she just seemed insecure, more anxious. She had just started high school, and her friends were changing. The “alpha” in her friend group cut her hair off and came out as nonbinary. You saw that your daughter worried about not fitting in. Then three more friends came out as something, you found out later. One said she was a demi boy. Another announced she was pansexual. Another said she was really a boy. They all got the same haircut. They were fourteen.

She started spending time on DeviantArt when she was 11. She was always a talented artist. How great that she had a place online to share this interest. Or maybe she opened a Tumblr account. Or Instagram. Her other friends were on there too, and it seemed like such a female-friendly space. Maybe she watched a lot of YouTube videos. She liked ones about cooking and funny reaction videos. All of these platforms were somewhat unfamiliar to you and they seemed harmless enough.

Your daughter comes out to you.

Maybe she said she was gay. Maybe you weren’t surprised. You have kind of always known. You tell her you are glad she told you, and that you love and accept her no matter what.

But a few weeks or months later, she told you she got it wrong. She wasn’t actually a lesbian. She was pansexual. She was gender fluid. She was trans. She told you this one night while you were fighting over her slipping grades. This was the reason, she explained. She’d been depressed because she couldn’t be her authentic self.

You found out that the idea first occurred to her after a school assembly on transgender issues. Or after her guitar teacher came out as trans. Or after spending hours and hours online watching YouTube transition videos. She’d been going to the GSA meetings at school. You were relieved to know she was receiving support while coming to terms with her sexuality, but then you found out that all of the kids in the GSA identified as trans.

Or maybe she wrote you a letter. The style was unlike hers. You suspected she may have copied it from the internet. The letter announced her new male name and asked that you use male pronouns. It mentioned that she wanted to start testosterone right away.

You told her you love her, that her happiness mattered, that you didn’t want her to suffer. Then you started researching. Because that is what you do. It’s what you’ve always done. You paid careful attention to her. You’ve known her as well as one human being can know another. But you also researched.

You looked up the effects of testosterone on female-bodied people and learned that long-term risks are unknown, but that a hysterectomy is indicated after five years on “T” because of the increased risk of cancer. You discovered that there is a growing community of detransitioners who felt that they weren’t helped by transition. You read reports of other parents who also had smart, quirky teen daughters who suddenly decided they were a boy. Their stories were remarkably similar to yours. Some researchers spoke of social contagion.

You learned that there were few therapists who would help your child explore these questions in an open-ended way. You heard stories about children being greenlighted for hormones and even surgery after one, two, or three visits to a gender clinic.

Meanwhile, you could see that she was suffering from anxiety. Or an eating disorder. Maybe she was diagnosed a while ago with ADHD. Or autism spectrum disorder. It’s a complicated picture. The doctors at the gender clinic told you there was only one problem with only one answer, but you knew it wasn’t that simple.

Your child came out at school. She went to the principal and asked that her name and pronouns be changed, and the principal complied without consulting you. It was a small school, maybe 100 kids, but there were at least fifteen who identified as trans. Your daughter’s teachers were eager to support her. Her English teacher chose her essay to be read aloud at the school-wide literary salon. The essay was about being transgender.

You couldn’t speak about this to anyone. Your extended family reacted to her coming out post on Facebook with “likes” and encouragement. When you tried to talk to your cousin about your concerns, she said you were being old-fashioned, that things were different now and you just needed to support “him.” When you called a meeting with the guidance counselor and the principal, they were condescending. It was clear they thought you were a bigot.

You were living in a progressive neighborhood that featured Hillary lawn signs in the fall of 2016. There was a small independent bookstore and a food coop. At your Unitarian church, fellow parishioners who’ve known your daughter since she was a baby came up to you and squealed their congratulations. They were so excited your son had found his authentic self!

You couldn’t say what you were really thinking. You couldn’t let them know that this wasn’t your child’s authentic self, that your child was in fact doing this to fit in, to claim an identity. You couldn’t say this because no one would understand. They would think you were one of those parents, the ones who couldn’t accept their trans child. Your loneliness and isolation were crushing.

You had to bear this alone. If you were lucky, your husband saw things the same way you did. You and he were a team. If you were unlucky, he accused you of overreacting, of being hysterical. Maybe he even undermined you. Maybe your marriage ended.

You weren’t close with your daughter anymore. You knew that it was normal for teens to have conflict with parents, but this felt like something more. You walked on eggshells. She seemed unhappy and irritable all the time. Identifying as trans was supposed to be the answer, but she only became more depressed, more difficult to reach. She blamed you for not being supportive. She called you transphobic. If you really cared about her, you would help her transition, she said.

The activists characterized you as an anti-trans hater who didn’t care about her son. But you know your child. You’ve known her since she came out all tiny and perfect. You’ve been there every step of the way, encouraging her, striving to understand her unique challenges. You know that her belief that she was trans came about only after friends declared their trans identity, after hours of watching trans YouTubers. You know your child.

You tried to walk a line of supporting her as a person without supporting her belief that she was a boy, but family and teachers affirmed her, so your efforts to help her keep an open mind were undermined. She became deeply invested in the belief that she was trans. You found out that she had a transition pact with on online friend. They were planning on moving into together when they were 18 and starting “T.” You knew this wasn’t an idle threat, because your daughter would be able to access “T” as soon as she turned 18 without any therapy or assessment at an informed consent clinic.

So you wait. You wait for the mainstream media to start covering the story, so that people realize what is going on and you can speak about this without sounding crazy. You wait for the lawsuits to come, for reports to surface of the rising tide of detransitioners. You wait for therapists and doctors to realize that we are living through another mental health contagion such as we saw with multiple personality disorder in the 90s.

Say you’re a mom. A good mom. A mom who is fighting for her daughter.

You wait.

An inconvenient survey: Activists scheme to squelch research on teen social contagion

Posted on August 14, 2016 by 4thwavenow

One might think that purported pediatric gender experts would have a vested interest in investigating all facets of the current worldwide massive increase in kids wanting to chemically and surgically transition to the opposite sex. After all, in most civilized societies, adults want to protect young people and seriously ponder what’s best for them—all of them. Certainly, when it comes to permanent, lifelong medical interventions, most responsible professionals who work with youth would realize that not everyone who wants a treatment is necessarily a good candidate for it; as one bioethicist memorably put it, “a doctor is not a candy seller.”

But at least one director of a well known pediatric gender center and national trans activist lobbying group in Portland, OR—a full-grown adult who nevertheless takes to Facebook to brand anyone not fully on board with the organization’s mission as a “TERF ” or “anti-trans hate group” —evidently cannot tolerate a researcher even studying the phenomenon of teens who came quite suddenly to the idea of transgender identity. [Note: All screen captures are from Burleton’s publicly accessible Facebook page.]

The survey study, “Rapid onset gender dysphoria, social media, and peer groups” (still actively recruiting participants) seeks to better understand, via parent survey, the phenomenon of teenagers who (after never previously expressing gender dysphoria) suddenly announce they are the opposite sex. Many parents in the 4thWaveNow community have teens who, in many cases, have demanded immediate access to medical transition, with all that entails—cross sex hormones (with concomitant permanent body changes, particularly for biological females), and major surgery, often involving removal of both breasts. Some of these teens changed their minds about transition, while others have not–but all are worth studying in the interests of discovering whether there is (as many of us have observed) a social contagion contributing to the increase in teens (especially teen girls) who express a desire to become the opposite sex.

Wouldn’t any reputable purveyor of a treatment which will change the lives of teenagers forever have even a modicum of intellectual curiosity about what such a survey might reveal? One would think, also, that Jenn Burleton might feel slightly chastened after recently hearing from a detransitioned, former teen client who was unhappy about the fast-track transition that was enabled by TransActive gender counselors. Instead, Burleton (whose Facebook description lists only studying “Resilience at the University of Life“ as professional credentials) would rather cast aspersions on the MD/MPH conducting the “bogus” study, as well as the organizations and websites (including this one) which have publicized the research effort.

Commenters on Burleton’s post (who were obviously approved by Burleton) go even further, with one intending to deliberately “throw off the statistics” on the survey.

Burleton obviously approves of the “throw off the statistics” scheme:

If trans activists are so confident that kids as young as 3 or 4 can be legitimately and reliably diagnosed as “transgender” and in dire need of intervention by organizations like TransActive, why would the executive director need to stoop to childish tactics like screaming “TERF” and encouraging Facebook followers to gum up a survey study? What’s the worry? Why wouldn’t someone with such a huge responsibility for the well being of teenagers want to learn more about teens who were simply following a social trend, later changed their minds, or who actually might not be appropriate for treatment?

Burleton’s open hostility and the jeering, sophomoric reaction of the post’s followers lead inexorably to a question: Are some key activists in the forefront of pediatric transition genuinely interested in looking at all the evidence about “trans kids”? Or are they, instead, driven by a desire to shut down any and all inconvenient fact-finding efforts when it comes to promoting drastic medical interventions for other people’s children?

Anyone with a rudimentary understanding of the meaning of a Facebook “like” won’t have much difficulty answering that question.

Tumblr snags another girl, but her therapist-mom knows a thing or two about social contagion

Posted on February 29, 2016 by 4thwavenow

133

Below is a comment recently submitted to 4thWaveNow by (yet another) parent of a girl who discovered the trans-trend on social media. This mom just happens to also be a psychotherapist.

Update: Please see the comments section for a lively and important discussion about the state of psychotherapy for trans-identified kids–including the controversy about what is (and isn’t) “conversion therapy.”

In a time when major professional organizations representing social workers, therapists, and school counselors are fully aboard—hell, they’re steering–the trans-kid bandwagon, it’s refreshing to hear from a therapist who hasn’t drunk the Kool-Aid.

But surely there must be many others who have doubts? Given the stunning disconnect between (on the one hand) the established knowledge about child and adolescent development in both neuroscience and psychology (things like identity formation, executive function, magical thinking, and neuroplasticity, to name only a few important lines of study), and (on the other hand) the simplistic mantra “if you say you’re trans, you are!” touted by “gender specialists,” there has to be some cognitive dissonance churning the minds of thoughtful clinicians.

We’ve heard from a few of them. In Exiles in Their Own Flesh, therapist Lane Anderson wrote that her skepticism about the transgender trend, along with her commitment to professional ethics, eventually drove her to resign her post working with trans-identified adolescents. Psychoanalyst David Schwartz was featured in a post highlighting his insightful critique of the “inflated idea” of transgenderism. And blogger Third Way Trans, a detransitioned man/former trans woman who is a graduate student in psychology, does yeoman’s work presenting a more nuanced view of transgenderism and identity politics.

Perhaps skepticaltherapist’s words will move a few more mental health professionals to speak up on behalf of our kids? We can hope.

by skepticaltherapist

There is an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where the crew is introduced to a mysterious alien video game. It slowly infiltrates the minds of the crew, and Wesley Crusher and another young ensign watch as the adults around them slip into addiction. Wesley begins to sense that something is amiss, and goes to find Captain Picard. He is so relieved to find the Captain and to be able to confide in him. As Wesley leaves, we see the Captain reach into his desk with sinister sangfroid and take out a gaming device. He too has been infected. As we suspected, the game is really an insidious mind-controlling apparatus that will allow an alien race to gain control of the ship.

That is what this trans madness feels like to me. When I first began to hear this emerging in the young people around me, I felt confused. As a dyed-in-the wool liberal, I felt I should be accepting and affirming. As a therapist and long-time student of human nature, it just doesn’t make sense to me that people are “born in wrong body” except for perhaps in extremely rare cases. I believe there are “true” cases of transsexualism, but the number of those affected must be vanishingly small. Why all of a sudden did it seem to be everywhere?

When thoughtful colleagues and friends started talking matter of factly about five- and six-year-olds who were being supported and affirmed in choosing another gender, I was stunned. How could that possibly be anything other than very confusing for a young child? What was I missing? I must, I at last concluded, be getting truly old.

The alien mind control device made its way into my home about two years ago when my then eleven-year-old daughter begged me for a Tumblr account since her friends all had one. Foolishly, I consented without looking into it further. I wish I hadn’t. This trend toward all things pan/bi/non binary/gender fluid/trans, etc. has generated a huge amount of energy among kids my daughter’s age. I had been watching it with some degree of suspicion and concern. But last month the degree of my alarm grew. She started dropping provocative hints, such as asking us if she could get a buzz cut. I found some writing she had left around the house, where she wondered to herself whether she were “really a girl.” She was very excited a few weeks ago when a new friend came out as trans.

It isn’t that I am a hating ogre. I think if I really believed that my kid were profoundly unhappy in her body, that this narrative was coming from her and not from social media and the kids around her, I would be reacting very differently. I would also have a different reaction if I could convince myself that gender identity experimentation were essentially harmless. Girls want to pretend to be boys? Sure! Why not? But it is absolutely chilling to think that, these kids who are just doing what teens do, get support from the adults around them that let them get stuck in the experiment so that many of them wind up permanently changing their bodies.

For the record, this is a kid who has never had any gender nonconforming behavior at all. She has always been a girly girl. As a toddler and young child, she had several “crushes” on boys. She has always been very consistent in having fairly typical “girl” interests, with few to no “boy” interests. She has always been interested in art and dance at school. She is a little socially anxious, and that is about the only thing that makes her susceptible to this, I think. Probing further, she admitted that she has been binding, and has asked her friends at school to call her by a gender-neutral name. She also told us that she had begun researching testosterone. Luckily, her interest in this started just a few weeks ago, as best as I can tell.

After that conversation, I was a wreck. In spite of having taken a sleep aid, I woke up at four am that night, my heart pounding out of my chest. I started googling again, as I had done before, trying to find some place on the internet not infected by either the “trans is terrific” narrative, or hateful speech from the other side. Search term after search term returned similar results. “Trans peer pressure,” for example, returns article after article about how trans kids need support against bullying and peer pressure. Finally, “social contagion trans” brought me to this site.

Such a huge, huge relief. I feel like Wesley Crusher finding the one other person on board the Enterprise whose mind hasn’t been taken over.

Her current school is a wonderfully progressive and nurturing. But the school administrators all seem keen to jump on the “trans is terrific” train. They proudly proclaim to prospective parents that there are several kids transitioning in the upper school. It seems like this fact is sort of exciting to everyone, and establishes without question their all-accepting super liberal cred.

I have decided that the cult indoctrinators have had free access to her beautiful thirteen year-old-brain for two years now, and that it is time that I intervene and fight for my daughter. I am so grateful for the clarity I have found on this site. Because of this blog and the stories shared here, I am feeling cautiously optimistic that we may have been able to pull her back from this brink. We have closed her Tumblr account. My husband and I have been confronting her about thinking she is trans. We haven’t been yelling or ugly or angry. We have just been telling her what we think, how we are seeing things. Partly because of this blog, we have been able to avoid going through the, “Really? Well if you say so. That is great, I guess!” stage. Right when we got wind of this, we have just been very up front that there is something dangerous going on in society and that we will not tolerate her playing around with this. We are going to continue talking to her.

As a mother and a therapist, I have been stunned and saddened to the extent by which I feel silenced, both personally and professionally. I am afraid to discuss my concerns about my daughter with friends for fear of feeling judged and being accused of being a horrible mom who will damage my child. (Certain friends of mine have circulated petitions decrying thoughtful op-ed pieces in major newspapers that were approaching Caitlyn Jenner’s transition with some well-considered feminist questioning.) I am afraid of speaking up in professional circles about the phenomenon more generally for fear of drawing ire and misapprehension. It is so frightening to think that therapy for my daughter doesn’t feel like a safe option, since the process might be so easily hijacked just by the mention of the word “trans.”

As a therapist, I mostly work with adults. A common reason for seeking therapy is being at a place where you are wondering about leaving your marriage. When a woman (or man) comes in, they usually say something like, “I haven’t been happy in my marriage for a long time. My husband isn’t a terrible person, but I just don’t know if I can stay.” What I don’t say at that point is, “Well, if you are wondering that, it must mean that you need to leave the marriage. To stay any longer would be a terrible mistake. Here is the name of a divorce attorney.”

Ending a marriage is a huge deal. There are enormous consequences for several people, even when children aren’t involved. It isn’t a decision to be taken lightly. When a client says to me that they are thinking of leaving, I believe my job is to help create the space for them to explore this as a possibility without judgment in either direction. I want to provide complete acceptance of all of their explorations. It isn’t my job to interpret their feelings or tell them what to do. I listen. I ask questions. I reflect back what I hear. I neither rush them forward nor try to hold them back. It is a slow careful process of discernment, as it should be. There is a marriage in the balance.

I believe that open-ended non-judgmental exploration is the very essence of the therapeutic process. The current prohibition on exploring a patient’s feelings of gender dysphoria seems a perversion of this process. I would feel that I had done someone a terrible disservice by imposing an external yardstick on someone’s private decision as to whether to divorce. The potential for harm is so great! How much greater is the potential for harm when we are talking about impressionable young people electing to undergo permanent sterilization?

This is very lonely, and very frightening.